I need some advice

[Evan_OS]

So my girlfriend's Dad was found in a diabetic coma on last Wednesday. He was found by my girlfriend and her grand mother (whom she used to live with) in his apartment. They took him to the hospital where they told us he is brain dead, but his body is still function and breathing so he is in a vegetable state.

Some family came down the next day (Thursday) from Columbus, Ohio and are still here to this day. My girlfriend's Dad, his name is Chris, will be passing away in the next day or two.

When I had found out what had happened, I rushed to the hospital and have been there day in and day out with my girlfriend, her name is Tori to make things easier and less awkward of a story. Tori is very upset about her Dad being in this kind of state, his body is still functioning, but there is nobody in his head. Two family members came down from Ohio, Chris' sisters, and Chris' sisters' daughter. The daughter's name is Nicole. I met this part of Tori's family for the first time last Thursday. Everything went well meeting new people and all considering the circumstances of a brain dead family member. About a week has gone by now, and things were fine, until yesterday afternoon.

Normally in the mornings I just met up with Tori and her family at the Hospital where her Dad was at. Everyone at the hospital who is in Tori's family has told me they consider me family and will treat me just like it. I haven't been getting the distant relative treatment if you know what I mean, I have been there for several days for most of the day comforting Tori and the rest of her family. I also tried to make it clear that I wanted to be as appropriate as possible. I didn't want to be that person who is trying to be in there with immediate family when they shouldn't be in there, if you catch my drift. There's always that one person when death is looming that is there who probably doesn't need to be aka getting into the patients rooms before mother and daughter etc. I made it clear that I didn't want to be inappropriate. If her family didn't want me to be in the room with Chris and his family then I would be fine with stay outside or in the lobby.

Now of course there's been plenty of crying and hugging and kissing. It's been a hard time for me, and even worse for Tori's family. But, here comes my problem. So yesterday morning everyone had gone into the room and seen Chris and some of us decided we were going to eat breakfast in the lobby (5 of us.) So we start walking down there and 3 of us stop and the other two keep walking down to the Lobby. I was one of the three, the other two were Tori and Nicole. They said they needed a minute so I just walked down the hallway to the corner and went to use the bathroom and waited for them a few hallways down. Well this Nicole girl walks up to me and tells me the night before I was supposed to leave Tori's house at 10pm and that was the rule and she said that I was told that 10pm I needed to be out of there was the rule. That night, we had just gotten some dinner and took it home to eat late and we ate then I headed home, but it was past 10pm, more like 10:30.

Well, I told Nicole that I had no idea that there was a rule or 'curfew' that they wanted me out of there, which I understand if they wanted one, I just would like to know the rule so I can follow it. She kind of blew me off when I said that, so I told her that if I was trying to be appropriate this whole time, why would I purposely stay 30 minutes past this 'rule'. She fires back with "I don't even know you so I don't know." Now here's some quick back story. Me, Tori, and Nicole have been spending a lot of time together getting food and going out and doing things to kill time so we can get some fresh air out of that hospital. She arrived on Thursday, this is Tuesday. So it wasn't just like I had just met her, I had spent 8+ hours with her every day since she had arrived from Ohio. (I told her multiple times earlier in the week that I didn't want to do anything that made anyone uncomfortable, I wanted to be as appropriate as possible) So we just end the convo, I was a little pissed off and decided to leave her mid sentence when she talked to me because every time I tried to open my mouth to say something I was shushed or hushed by Nicole. They meet up with me in the hallway a minute later and we sit down at the lobby with the other five and Tori whispers to me that she wants me to go out and get some fresh air and come back in a few minutes. She said she doesn't like me being seen like this. I have no idea what that's supposed to mean, so I say I'm fine. She then tells me she needs some space, she just wants some alone time. She asks me to leave a few more times and I finally give in and leave and come back 15 minutes later, like she had asked. I see she is sitting and talking with everyone and the Nicole girl is talking, clearly I can see it from where I was standing (50 feet from where they were at.)

When I started walking toward the table they were at, Nicole's voice got quieter and quieter. To the point to when I finally got to the table, it was silent and someone said something to break the silence as if she had not said a thing. A few minutes later they get up and Tori tells me, I need to go home. I told her I'm fine. She says I need to go home. So I leave again, for a few hours. And come back and tell her this exactly, "I don't know what's wrong, but you're just acting funny, so I'm just going to go home. Call me if you need me" She tells me that she isn't trying to break up with me, she just wants to spend time with family.

That's all that was said because they were leaving to go get dresses for the funeral. So I go home and I talk to a friend about it, he says I should send a text (which I sent) saying this, "I just want to apologize for not leaving when you asked me at first. I'm sorry that I did not recognize that I was not welcome, I was just trying to be there for you." About an hour later she responds with this. "Evan, it's not because you aren't welcome honey. I just need to breathe. Everything will be fine, I promise. Don't you remember when I told you I enjoyed your clinginess? I do, but right now is a very hard time for me and everybody deals with grief their own way. I love you Evan, I just need you to be supportive but you can't do that for me if you're upset."

A little more quick back story is that I'm sort of clingy, but she is to, so it all works out. I've asked her before if I was too clingy and she said not at all. Anyways, after that text we said a few other good words and said good night to each other. I have yet to receive anymore texts since then and that was last night.

This is the only time Tori has ever really hurt me. I had been there day in and day out for her and all of a sudden the Nicole girl is whispering, and hiding something from me obviously and next thing I know I'm being told to go home. I asked Tori a day or two earlier if I was intruding on anything, or if I needed to not be in the room with her and everything, she said everything I did was perfectly fine with her. I was in no way making her uncomfortable or anything.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to put more stress on her with her dad dying in the hospital, but at the same time I am very hurt by the way this was done. Tori has NEVER really made me upset or anything. We've been together for over a year and a half and there's never really been an issue, ever. A few people I talked to including my mom said I need to just back off and let her contact me. My dad says that I need to just send that text message that I sent and just cut the phone off for a few days. I'm not going to do that because that's just going to stress her out even more, and I'm not wanting to do that if her dad is dying in the hospital.

I just want to let her know that it really upset me, but at the same time I don't want to stress her out anymore. I want to try to get in contact with her, but that's going against the advice my Dad gave me so I'm just kind of stuck in the wait and see and thinking to much mode. I really feel like this Nicole girl is pushing Tori's buttons with me or something because Tuesday Tori was not acting like the Tori I knew. I'm just not really sure what to do.

I may have forgotten some parts, it's a long story so if there are any questions I can answer them. This girl is the love of my life, I promised I would always be supportive of her no matter what it is and always stand by her side. One little hiccup in the relationship isn't that big of a deal, I just don't want to ruin the relationship because she wanted me to leave and I'm still trying to talk to her and trying to get into contact with her, know what I mean?

[cubsfan203]

That seems like one of those situations where you might just have to let it go.

[AUChase]

Just let her come to you and try not to worry about it. People aren't in their right mind when coping with the loss of a loved one.

Take the advice of your mom. Let her know you're there when she needs you and quit pressing the subject.

[ImTellinTim]

Go out and do something by yourself or with your friends. Something to remove yourself from the situation and clear your mind. Just give her the time she's asking for to be with her family.

This kind of stuff happens a lot in families when there is a situation where a death is the obvious end, especially when it goes on for more than a couple days. Something similar happened with my mom, her siblings, and her brother's new wife when my grandpa passed. Feelings are flowing and all it takes is one family member to plant the seeds of discontent against someone they feel shouldn't be there.

Personally, I'd go walk 18 holes of golf - that always clears my mind.

[kingkilla56]

Yeah you should just give her the space she's asking for.

Hang out with your friends, focus on school/or work, and live your life as best you can and wait till she reaches out to you. Try not to take these things personally.

[Bmore Irish]

Yea, definitely let it settle. The situation is probably stressing everyone out and people get like this with death of a family member. I could tell you some stories that would probably make you feel like this wasn't so bad. I mean I'd be annoyed too, but ultimately you're not blood so you kinda just gotta let it go. Plus, in this situation, of course the women are gonna be actin funny.

[mgoblue]

Quote: Originally Posted by kingkilla56

Yeah you should just give her the space she's asking for. Hang out with your friends, focus on school/or work, and live your life as best you can and wait till she reaches out to you. Try not to take these things personally.

I would do this, and go forward when she comes back to you...Doing anything more now would probably be a bad idea.

[SPTO]

I agree with everyone else this is a highly volatile situation emotionally and you should try to let it not bother you. I understand about the clinginess though as i'm a very clingy guy myself. As others have said you should give her space and perhaps just hang out with friends and once she comes back to you you can be there for her.

Hope it works out for you.