Bienvenue à la cuisine de Monsieur Sportz Gamair.

The following is all in a horrible French accent that doesn't sound as cool as Jean Reno's and definitely doesn't sound as hot as Marion Cotillard (just look her up at IMDb.com, trust me on this one), but feel free to use your imagination either way.

Welcome, aujourd’hui (today) in my kitchen we are going to prepare a gastronome masterpieeece. A feast worthy of you, the greatest sports gamers of the world, a delectable, delicious, dining debacle -- no not debacle, pardon moi, I mean, how do you say, extraordinaire experience?

We are preparing sports game pie. In my kitcheeeen, I have Tiger Woods 09 and Head Coach 09, with some Oblivion Elder Scrolls left over from the long summer drought. Oooh la la, eeet was quite unbearable this summer, no?

To begin, as you can see I’ve gathered the main ingredients, but alas, what to do? How do we combine all three games into one delicious weekend pie? Never fear, that eees why I am le chef de cuisine!

First, and the most critical ingredient in our pie is time. No, not thyme, only Simon and Garfunkel have thyme, and parsley, and sage, and rosemary. We need to trim the time from the rest of the week and our other dutieees such as homework, honey-do lists, and part-time jobs so that we can know exactly how much pie to prepare. In my case, I have a piece of U.S. Government essay here that I will need to deal with for the pie. Allors (so), what I will do is cut the essay into quarter-inch strips and carefully place it in le garbage. After all, sometimes you just have to say, “What the…” whatever Tom Cruise says in that Risqué movieeee.

We take the leftover time and smoooosh it all into one large lump. To do theeees, you must take care of all of your biological needs, such as sustenance, waste disposal, and sleep by overstocking le pantry with ingredients such as chips, sodas -- with or without life-threatening amounts of caffeine added -- sunflower seeds, and if available, a catheter. No sports gamer's kitchen should be without a catheter. My preference is the C.I.P. 2000. To continue, we have a large lump of time and we need to knead it so as not to be needy of needing any more time. After kneading for approximately ten seconds, flatten the time out into as large a stretch as possible so that it will be able to hold all of our deliciously yummy main ingredients.

This is usually where I put in some witty caption,  instead I got nothing, so here's a picture of Tiger Woods.

Now we have our time and need, not knead, to stuff it with our main ingredients that I mentioned above. Of course, your main ingredients may differ, but la concept is the same. First, we are going to take the Oblivion and place it at the beginning of our time, and this is very important I must tell you because when cooking Oblivion, its consistency varies greatly so you must always place it first in your pie. That way, if you are lucky and have found an amazing side of Oblivion with supple tenderness, the Oblivion will melt -- like butter -- and expand across a much larger portion of the time than if you are using a lower quality Oblivion, with its icky-sticky monotonous rigidity that will then obviously consume a smaller portion of your pie.

Now, I’m going to take the Tiger Woods 09 and beat it vigorously with an online opponent for an hour before I fold it into the pie. Two things with the Tiger Woods: First, it is very important that when beating vigorously you take a break every 15 minutes to allow for your right arm to relax. Moi, personally, I beat it for hours without resting. Second, you must not let any of the Tiger Woods mix with the Oblivion. It is acceptable to mix Tiger with the Head Coach or if you are using the Show, or Madden, or any other quality ingredient then those can be mixed, but never with the Oblivion. Oblivion does not mix well with other ingredients. It belongs only at the beginning of the pie, the bottom layer. Once you are done putting it in the pie, you can not go back and try to add more because then, bien sûr! (of course!) you would have Oblivion Waldorf, and not sports game pie! Finally, pour in a generous amount of the Head Coach to fill the rest of the pie and you are ready to bake.

So now, how do you feel? Not so inteemidated right? That wasn’t so bad, no? Good. So our pie is now baking, and while the pie is baking I find that you can add additional flavor to the sports game pie by turning all the lights off, moving your favorite leather chair directly in front of the television, and having an abundant supply of the pantry ingredients I mentioned above within arm’s length, all on an adequately stable end-table -- cardboard box if you are a bachelor. Bake for the entire weekend; and if you are fortunate to have a three or four day weekend, then adjust cooking times accordingly.

Voila! 48 hours later you are ready to face the world again thanks to a heaping helping of sports game pie! One final word, I must caution you that sports game pie has certain addictive properties and if consumed on a regular basis may cause thinning of the hair, extension of the mid-section, and invariable loneliness, especially in males. But as we like to say here in France, game on! It’s my show, I can say whatever I want to say that we say in France!

(Editor's note -- We did not edit Joey’s, um, Mnsr. Sportz Gamair’s horrible French accent since in his second year of French studies, he really does sound that bad!)