***PARODY*** Rex Ryan's F***ing Backbreaker Football - vln13's Blog

vln13's Blog

***PARODY*** Rex Ryan's F***ing Backbreaker Football

Posted on January 10, 2011 at 03:08 PM.

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This year, Backbreaker was an upstart football game that tried to challenge EA's dominance and create a game that, even if it wasn't a blockbuster due to the lack of any NFL license, was a strong enough game that it would catch hold on the hardcore gamers tirelessly waiting for the NFL 2k12 that will never happen and would spread through word of mouth. Despite the valiant three year effort by Natural Motion, the game was neither, both despite and because of its revolutionary real-time physics engine, Euphoria. The physics were certainly the strongest aspect of the game, but because of its terribly complex nature (see: NBA Elite 11) and the strange on-field camera angle, there was not enough development time to turn it into an acceptable package. An unequaled patch fixed the game in tremendous ways, and allowed me to still have a ball with the game, despite the lack of substance.

Euphoria produced some awesome hits, gang tackles, fumbles, and interceptions. The offense was frustrating at best, unplayable at worst, both for the player and the CPU. A good QB rating in the game is a 40, and when a team wracks up 250 total yards, it is surely a miracle. Before the patch, games of 20 sacks and 17 interceptions combined were common. Yet, despite the suffocating defensive twist to the game, there were no injuries, even in a game titled "Backbreaker" with "Here Comes The Boom" playing at every kickoff (many hits looked like they could have resulted in death), and there wasn't even fatigue or defensive hot routes. They expected us to become attached to generic players who looked like mechanical cyborgs from the 26th century and showed little or no difference in response or playing style. The chatter was stale, there was no commentary or coach voice, and the crowd looked like it was one mob of Star-Wars like characters.

I had a lot of fun with Backbreaker, but if they were to ever make a sequel (which I still hopes happens) they need to sure up the issues and make the game both more exciting and brash yet still thought provoking and strategically rewarding. Also, in order to draw more sales, they might need a gimmick or featured figure, like John Madden in the original Madden. So, why not choose a coach who lives and breathes dominating defense, who the only thing bigger than the hype surrounding him is his confidence, and a guy who can turn a Sanchize... I mean franchise, whether decimated by playoff losses or Metacritic ratings, upside down: Rex Ryan!

Rex Ryan's F***cking Backbreaker Football brings a new standard to football simulation games, building on the success of the Euphoria engine with the new "Kill the F***er" AI and injury engine, built in cooperation with the man himself, Rex Ryan.

"This is a f***ing awesome game!" Coach Ryan proclaimed. "I can't believe how many motherf***ers have come up to me and been like, 'Dude, you can't do this to Madden!' But you know what, jerk, this is personal for me, and f*** Madden! S***, I think I coulda out-coached him if we coached in the same era! He thinks he knows what BOOM, is, well I woulda shown him what the heck BOOM really looks like. Gotta give him credit, though, my wife could really use that Tough-Actin Tinactin s***!"

Ryan will be featured in a myriad of ways in the game. He will guide you through the game, and depending how you do on the field, he will give you different treatments when you walk to the sideline.

Some sample dialog:

(After you break a tackle and run for a touchdown.) "Hey, great job, kid! (turns to the defender who missed the tackle) "Hey, looser, this s*** is why my brother got rid of your a**!"

After games, you can also be witness to Rex's locker room speeches.

A new mode in Backbreaker, in addition to Season and RTBB, is Coach Ryan mode. In here, you do not control the action on the field, but you coach your team to a Backbreaker Cup. You have certain season and in-game goals you have to accomplish, such as organizing walls along the sideline to trip players, saying enough words that cannot be written here, designating bounty to the player who can first kill the opposing quarterback in the spirit of his father, and convincing your defensive tackles to bring the victim to the sideline for Rex, not them, to eat because they have to loose weight. Press conferences, HBO and TV Atzeca licences, and player felonies are in.

Injuries can often be fatal. 82 man rosters are allowed because of this. New defensive AI means that teams will blitz 90% of the time. Player models have also been redone. They now actually look human. Turf as been replaced by a concrete-like pavement, which will only increase the pain and strength of the injuries.

In order to collaborate on this game, Ryan visited Oxford, England several times in the off-season. While there, he beta tested the game and played tag football with the crew, teaching them his idea of the rules of American football to the foreigners.

"You know these referees, they're called f***ing zebras, and they have the same amount of intelligence as zebras!" he said.

In addition, he gave pep talks to the crew.

"You know, people might be saying, 'Oh, well, you're the underdogs. You'll fail.' But let me tell you, you can do it! You can get a Metacritic of 95 and sell 5 million copies!"

When asked to comment on his visit, Associate Producer Rob Donald said, "Well you know, he's a great coach, but he is quite strange. He says all these bloody weird curse words that are so improper!"

Rex Ryan's F***ing Backbreaker Football will surely become a revolution in the sports gaming industry. If you're ready for some big hits, foul language, and a lot of smiles, this game is for you!