Mannypalooza - therockstar2005's Blog

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Mannypalooza

Posted on March 4, 2009 at 12:06 AM.

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I know this is kind of quick to get to, but this is such an important issue that I need to address it. I would like to clear something up. There has been much confusion surrounding a one Mr. Manny "Mannypalooza(1)" Ramirez with something concerning contract offers. Apparently, some people in the liberal sports press can't understand why Manny doesn't want to be Manny for Los Angeles for the paltry amount of $25 million for only a year's worth of playing time.

First off, I can understand why he wouldn't want to do it. It's the LA Dodgers. You know. Not the good team in LA. The Dodgers. They were blue for a reason. Now, I'm sure some people are yelling out, "But Dr. CJ, they beat the Cubs in October!" Yeah, the Dodgers beat the Cubs in October. That's such a rare occurrence(2). Please, the Dodgers haven't been good since the Cardinals were beating their asses in the 70s(3). Why would Manny want to play for a team where he would have to be the offense, when he could take it easy and be Manny somewhere else and not have to be the only good player there(4)? Dodgers, clearly a bad choice.

But really, I know why Manny didn't take that $25 million. See, and I'm not supposed to really talk about this, but f*ck it, I'm going to anyway. You know all those offers that Scott Boras is talking about? There's a lot of people claiming that there aren't really any such offers, but I know that there are. Better yet, I know who made all of them. It was me(5). See, I was just working in my mansion the other day on this hanging chandelier(6) and I found a spare $100 million just hanging from it. Bizarre, I know, but completely true(7). So I thought to myself, "Now what could I do with this nice little fortune I found here?" And then it hit me(8). For that $100 million, I could go out and get Manny Ramirez. Imagine all of the things I could do if I had Manny Ramirez under contract. Go on, imagine. Pretty cool, right(9)?

So, all this *****footing around over contract issues and the Dodgers? Really all in vain. Cause any day now, Boras is gonna call a press conference to say what jersey Manny's really gonna be wearing next season. Though, I don't really have a jersey. Maybe I should make one up.

Dr. CJ

(1) I own the copyright to that name, so don't try to use it. I'm looking at you, Chris Berman.
(2) My apologies to Cubs fans. After all, it's not your fault they're cursed. 100 years and going...
(3) Note: My sources are informing me that the Dodgers were actually good in the 70s, and the 80s. Who knew?
(4) Like, say, Boston. That'd be a good place for him.
(5) Shhh! Don't tell anyone!
(6) Now I know you're thinking, "How come you have enough to buy a mansion, but not enough to hire some guy to come out there and fix your chandelier?" To make a long story short, it was one of those deals where I bought the house without having the money to take care of it. I was only a millionaire and mansions aren't as cheap as they used to be. Thanks, housing crisis!
(7) Completely false. The money was in the ceiling tiles.
(8) And by "it," I mean the chandelier.
(9) Please tell me it's cool. I need the boost.