An Open Letter to the PES Marketing Guy/Gal - kelvinmak's Blog

kelvinmak's Blog

An Open Letter to the PES Marketing Guy/Gal

Posted on February 17, 2012 at 04:26 PM.

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Dear PES Marketing Person,

Hello, big fan of your series here. I am an avid soccer gamer who has played every one of your releases since ISS 98. However, lately there is something that�s been bugging me about your franchise. No, not the graphics, not the audio (I mean, who are we kidding, we�ve long given up hope for that one), and really, not about the game at all. What I�m concerned with is your marketing department, or more specifically, whoever wrote the blurb for your Amazon page. As I was comparing it to that of your competition's it�s hard not to notice that somehow you�ve managed to make the game sound utterly uninspiring while they made it sound like it�s the best thing since, well, FIFA 11. And FIFA 11, if I interpreted that marketing blurb correctly, was the best thing since FIFA 10. And on and on it goes.

Yes, I understand that you�re still selling strong in Japan and parts of Europe. But boy did you get your asses handed to you here in America this year. I understand that, unlike EA, you do not have the money to buy ads for Premier League broadcasts � hell, you probably don�t even have money to buy ads for Europa League broadcasts � I really do understand. But that�s not my point. My point is that in reading your Amazon feature blurb, you�ve managed to put anybody who isn�t a diehard soccer fan to sleep, what with your honesty and modesty.

I believe the problem lies with your cringeworthy humility � �give it to them straight, and the customers will decide.� Now, I understand you�re Japanese, and that may be how things work over there. But listen, around these parts, humility in marketing just doesn�t fly. We like our burgers supersized, our movies 3D and our advertisements brash, loud, and most of the time exaggerated beyond belief. Remember, you�re trying to sell things to people who made the Shamwow guy rich. Humility? That�s for suckers, or people who sell orange towels that can wipe things.

I can�t believe I�m saying this, but you should try to be more like FIFA. Or at least poach FIFA's writer, who most likely holds an MBA in marketing, to write your blurbs. Instead of a dull, geeky, phrase like �improved teammate AI�, why not try for a more action oriented one, like �Battle Improved AI Intelligence�? Okay, maybe not verbatim since I cribbed that right off the FIFA 12 page. But you can see what I�m getting at, can�t you? Battle! So what if nobody really knows how a computer game�s AI can be �battle improved� (and curiously, not battle tested)? Who cares? We get amped up by war references wherever we can find them, even if it�s from a video game with twenty-two guys kicking around a soccer ball. It�s war to us, man.

Remember, it�s all in the name. Instead of telling us what you did, give it a name. The names can be vague, and they can be obtuse, but they must contain words that will increase a gamer's heart rate, tingle his spine and most importantly eradicate any memories of last year's shortcomings � and try to keep them under three words. Like, oh I don�t know, �Precision Dribbling,� �Pro Player Intelligence� or my personal favorite, �Impact Engine.� Again, more proof that whoever thought this up must�ve had an MBA in marketing: he/she used the word impact � for impact. How meta of them.

And speaking as a game reviewer, think of it from my point of view. Would I rather use the phrase �overhauled collision detection� (nine syllables) multiple times in my article than �impact engine� (four syllables)? I think the answer is pretty clear. Especially after I received my seventh memo in a month from our editors emphasizing the importance of brevity, which for this letter I�m conveniently ignoring. Also I get distracted by shiny things and catchy phrases, so there�s another reason why I like Impact Engine a lot better.

I�m not kidding about this honesty thing. Reading over your blurb, I�ve found many instances of �more� � more control, more true to life � and even worse, the dreaded word "improve." You know what those words imply? It implies that your previous version had less control, was less true to life, and needed improving upon. Even if it�s true, you just can�t admit to stuff like this! Now the FIFA marketing team, they�re smart and savvy, and you�ll never catch them using those dreaded terms. Instead they use the word �redesigned�. See? Last year wasn�t necessarily worse, it was just different.

It would also be nice if you took another page out of EA�s marketing playbook and used some absolute terms � like "infinite" variety or �true� injuries. Yes, true injuries in a video game. Who cares if, again, nobody knows what the bloody hell that means? The point is it lets your potential customers know your game is the most realistic one out there, and not, according to the PES page, a �game that truly represents the key attributes of the game and (sic) it�s players.�

Look, you may still think this sort of thing doesn�t matter. You�re saying, �this is just a soccer game, what does it matter how I describe it when people will play it and see for themselves?� I appreciate your tragically misguided idealism. But let�s be honest, years of sitting in front of the TV has conditioned us to get excited about whichever product that screams the loudest. When we play FIFA and two players run into each other, even in a manner which violate all three of Newton�s, and about twenty-seven states' sexual harassment, laws, we think �cool, Impact Engine at work.� Why? Because EA�s marketing department told us so. But when we play PES and two players collide, we sigh and go �Jesus, those damn scripting doo-hickeys again.� Why? Because we don't know how else to explain it.

So let me assure you that words do matter. Haven�t you heard that you have to sell the sizzle and not the steak? Who cares if the sizzle is mostly artificial scents and, in some cases, don�t really have anything to do with the actual steak itself? If you want to gain a foothold here in America, you better do things our way. So please, for the love of God, if PES wants to stage a dramatic fight back, check your humility at the door and start exaggerating your claims to the point of hyperbole, but stopping just short before it becomes a legitimate cause for a class action suit. Because, well, we also love those here too.

Yours truly,

Kelvin Mak

Writer, Operation Sports
Writer, letters to random people