In Eli We Trust - The New York Giants

[yoshistabber]

LET'S GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD!!!!

Having a busy life and all, I want to get back on the dynasty groove again somehow. So here we are. We will witness the stupidity of Eli and the gang as they try to reach the Super Bowl and make Tom Brady cry again. I don't know how this will turn out because this is my first Madden dynasty, but we'll see how it will turn out.

Game: Madden 25 (Starting in the 2014 season)
Platform: Xbox 360
Sliders: Charter04
Draft Class: Imported Draft Classes from NCAA 14

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SEASON RECAPS

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2014 Preview of New York Giants

Oh, it's the New York Giants. Big Blue, G-Men, Brady Killers....yes, the Giants. After going a whopping 4-12 last year, the Giants have drafted Jadeveon Clowney with the fourth pick, signed the likes of Jeremy Maclin, Ben Tate, and Kenny Phillips, and hired new head coach Demetrius Turner. Nobody knows how the Giants will perform this season after not getting even close to their expectations last season. With Eli nearing the end of his career and a new coach, the outcome of this New York team is unpredictable.

But what we do know is that Eli will be playing around with Cruz, Maclin, Rueben Randle, Emmanuel Sanders, and Jerrel Jernigan. Their run game has improved with Ben Tate also. As long as the line can block, the Giants offense will do just fine. On the defensive side, Clowney and Pierre-Paul as the DEs, a deep defensive tackle depth of Linval Joseph, Cullen Jenkins, Johnathan Hankins, and Brandon Deaderick; and others such as Amukamara, Beason, and Rolle.

The Giants must take note that they should play well this season in order to have a higher chance in preventing Pierre-Paul and Amukamara from leaving in free agency this offseason.

[yoshistabber]

2014 ROSTER

CAPTAINS

New York Giants Depth Chart - 2014
Regular Offense
	STARTER	2ND	3RD	4TH
WR	Victor Cruz	Emmanuel Sanders	Jerrel Jernigan
TE	Matt Spaeth	Adrien Robinson
LT	Will Beatty	Zack Martin	Greg Robinson
LG	Richie Incognito	Eric Herman
C	David Baas	Travis Swanson
RG	Brandon Mosley	Justin Pugh	Eric Herman
RT	Eric Britton	Justin Pugh
WR	Jeremy Maclin	Rueben Randle	Jacoby Ford
QB	Eli Manning	Ryan Nassib	Vince Young	Jordan Lynch
FB	Lex Hillard
HB	Ben Tate	David Wilson	Brandon Jackson	Charles Sims
Base 4-3 Defense
	STARTER	2ND	3RD	4TH
LDE	Jadeveon Clowney	Damontre Moore	Everson Griffen
LDT	Linval Joseph	Johnathan Hankins
RDT	Cullen Jenkins	Brandon Deaderick
RDE	Jason Pierre-Paul	Mathias Kiwanuka	Joe Kruger
WLB	Jacquian Williams	Spence Paysinger
MLB	Jon Beason	Mark Herzlich
SLB	Keith Rivers	Spence Paysinger
CB	Prince Amukamara	Jayron Hosley
SS	Antrel Rolle	Jacoby Miles
FS	Kenny Phillips	Craig Steltz
CB	D.J. Moore	Jacoby Miles
Special Teams
	STARTER	2ND	3RD	4TH
K	Shayne Graham
P	Steve Weatherford
H	Vince Young
PR	David WIlson	Jacoby Ford
KR	Jacoby Ford	David Wilson
LS	Richie Icognito

Red = Injured

[yoshistabber]

2014 SCHEDULE

WEEK 1 @
WEEK 2 VS
WEEK 3 VS

WEEK 4 BYE WEEK

WEEK 5 @
WEEK 6 VS
WEEK 7 VS
WEEK 8 @
WEEK 9 @
WEEK 10 VS
WEEK 11 VS
WEEK 12 @
WEEK 13 @
WEEK 14 vs
WEEK 15 @
WEEK 16 vs
WEEK 17 @

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Prologue

Terrence Ross: *on phone with 911* Sir, my friend is talking to himself and I'm getting really scared.

DeRozan: T, WHAT THE F*CK YOU DOING?!!! *throws Ross's phone on the floor*

Ross: N*GGA THE F*CK YOU DO THAT FOR???!!!

DeRozan: WHY YOU CALL 911?

Ross: CUZ YOU MOTHERF*CKING GOING CRAZY!

DeRozan: I'M NOT CRAZY I HAVE TO NARRATE!!!

-Screen pauses-

Director: Jack, this is the wrong one.

Assistant: But sir, that clearly says NYG00 on the file. I'm sure it's the correct one.

Director: I'm seeing DeMar DeRozan and Terrence Ross not f*cking Eli Manning and I'm sure that's Toronto not New York.

Assistant: So now what?

Director: OH I DON'T KNOW MAYBE JUST FIND THE RIGHT FILE!!!!!

Assistant: Bu-but....I don't know where to look.

Director: START LOOKING THEN!

Assistant: WHERE THOUGH?

Director: *sigh* Go to the restroom, enter one of the stalls, stick your hand in your sphincter, and see if you got an idea.

Assistant: As long as I get paid. *leaves the room*

Director: That guy is a f*cking ******.

-Random guy starts playing a video on the screen and disappears-

Director: Huh? When did it start playing? Must be the Illuminati.

3.....2.....1.....

New York.

TV: And now we are back to Nicki Minaj and her anaconda.

Eli Manning: *eats cereal* This is some good stuff on television. So much better than when I was a kid.

Ava: Daddy, what are you watching?

Eli: OH NO! *turns off TV* Nothing. Don't worry about it, sweetheart.

Ava: But that lady was doing weird stuff with her-

Eli: FORGET ABOUT IT. JUST FORGET ABOUT IT.

Ava: But-

Eli: FORGET IT.

Ava: Okay, daddy. *walks away*

Eli: Phew....back to eating ce-

-Victor Cruz comes inside the house-

Cruz: WASSUP ELI!!!! WE GOING TO BE PARTYING TONIGHT!!!!!

Eli: Uhhhh.....I still need to finish my cereal.

Cruz: F*ck your cereal. You can eat some p*ssy soon.

Eli: You do know my daughter is listening.

Ava: Daddy, you're going to eat a cat?

Eli: No, I'm not going to eat any cat.

Ava: But Uncle-

Eli: I'm not eating any cats anytime soon. *looks at Cruz* See what you do, Vic? You're making poor Ava here confused with your horrible language.

Cruz: *slaps Eli* You know that I have to speak the n*gga language correctly. It's my culture. CULTURE.

Eli: Okay whatever. So what do you want to do then?

Cruz: Come with me.

Eli: Where?

Cruz: Oh, you'll see. It's amazing.

Eli: Just tell me.

Cruz: Nah, n*gga. It's going to the best surprise of your life since you seen your wife struggle pushing little Ava out of her-

Eli: SHUT UP, VIC!

Ava: Daddy?

Eli: Just go to your room please.

Cruz: *grabs Eli* Let's go. *drags Eli out of the house*

Two hours later...

-Victor Cruz and Eli Manning are on the bus-

Eli: Why aren't we in a car?

Cruz: Because that's polluting our environment.

Eli: But we're still polluting it because the bus is-

Cruz: Don't f*cking correct me. We're helping the world by using the bus instead of driving a car.

Eli: Just wait man, what I'm going to say is-

-SWAT truck crashes into the bus-

Eli: HOLY SH*T!!!! ARE WE GOING TO GET ATTACKED BY TERRORISTS?!!!

Cruz: DON'T KILL ME JUST BECAUSE I'M BLACK!!!!

Phil Jackson: As long as I'm here, everyone will be safe. *takes out a Kobe and Jordan are better than Melo book and starts reading it* By the way, have you ever read this book?

Cruz: N*gga, you do know black people don't read books. The only things we need to know how to read are "f*ck" and "p*ssy."

Phil Jackson: Hmmm....that sounds like something that Shaq would tell me. *continues reading*

-A SWAT officer comes inside-

Officer: Don't fret, citizens of New York! Because- *takes off mask* THE MASTER OF SUCKING D*CKS, GENO SMITH, IS HERE TO SAVE YOU!!!!

Eli: Maybe we should relocate to Ireland.

Cruz: I'm thinking of the same exact thing. New York is just about sex recently. It's going to get tired very quickly. This is only the prologue and all I've heard is about p*ssys, d*cks, and chicks moaning.

Eli: Moaning?

Cruz: Yeah, in your house?

Eli: .....No it can't be.

Cruz: It could be happening still as we speak.

Eli: I think we should just start talking about only football.

Geno Smith: F*CK THAT MAN! JUST BECAUSE THIS IS A FOOTBALL DYNASTY DOESN'T MEAN SH*T! I'LL BEAR CRAWL UP YOUR A** TO SHOW HOW MUCH THE GIANTS F*CKING SUCK!!!!

Eli: Says the guy who likes sucking d*cks.

Geno Smith: YO THEY'RE GOOD YOU SHOULD TRY THEM!

Eli: Vic, I'm leaving this bus.

Cruz: But what about the party?

Eli: No, forget you. *leaves the bus*

Later...

Pierre-Paul: So you're telling me the Jets are part of the SWAT?

Eli: Yes.

Pierre-Paul: And the McDonald's across the street?

Eli: Bus ran into it and about ten people were injured in the accident.

Pierre-Paul: Damn.

Eli: Yeah I know. *eats cereal*

Pierre-Paul: Do you really eat cereal at night?

Eli: Of course! Don't you?

Pierre-Paul: Uhhh...no.

Eli: Oh.

[KingFry]

First you trust Eli... then you say Geno is SWAT

Geno obviously cannot hit anything, he is totally inaccurate. He'd shoot civilians and mistake the Giants for Jets. *sighs*

But I'm following this. Looks good and that prologue was golden.

[yoshistabber]

Week 1

Bus to Lincoln Financial Field.

-A group of people on the bus are playing Blackjack-

Maclin: Prince, if I win I will take your lady away from you.

Amukamara: You wouldn't dare....

Maclin: Oh yes I do because I'm motherf*cking Jeremy Maclin. F*cking teammates' girls since tearing my ACL.

Beason: To be honest, I just want to play 21 without any trains crashing into tunnels being involved.

Emmanuel Sanders: Correction, the proper term is Blackjack.

Beason: IT'S THE SAME F*CKING THING!!!!

Sanders: No it's not. Saying "21" is for those goddamn plebians who don't know f*cking proper English.

Clowney: And where did you hear that?

Sanders: Reddit.

Clowney: That's not a trustworthy source.

Sanders: *slaps Clowney* HOW DARE YOU F*CKING SAY THAT ABOUT REDDIT?!!!! REDDIT IS THE MOST AMAZING SOURCE SINCE THE INTERNET WAS INVENTED BY MICHAEL JORDAN WHEN HE STRUCK OUT RONALDO IN A DREADED GAME 7 IN THE STANLEY CUP!!!!!

Maclin: Uhhhh......so yeah I'll f*ck your wife now because I.... *puts down an ace and jack* got 21.

Amukamara: But-but-but-but....

Maclin: No excuses. It's over. I get to be with her in bed when we come home.

Amukamara: WHY YOU DO THIS?!!!! LOSING MY VIRIGINITY WAS THE GREATEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME!!!!! WHY?!!!!

Beason: Dude, it's not a big deal.

Amukamara: *grabs Beason* NOT A BIG DEAL?!!!! NOT A BIG DEAL?!!!! WHAT THE HECK ARE TALKING ABOUT THAT IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL?!!!! HE'S GOING TO RAPE MY WIFE!!!!!!

Beason: Calm your balls down.

Amukamara: HOW WILL CALM DOWN?!!!!

-Meanwhile Eli Manning and Victor Cruz are listen to Linkin Park in the back seat of the bus-

Eli: I'VE BECOME SO NUMB, I CAN FEEL YOU THERE!!!!

Cruz: BECOME SO TIRED, SO MUCH MORE AWARE!!!!!!

Nassib: Why the f*ck am I even here? My a** still hurts from getting sacked because SOME PEOPLE *cough* *cough* sucky a** O-line *cough* *cough*

Demetrius Turner: Attention everyone! May I have your attention?

Amukamara: *raises hand* Coach! Coach! Coach! Jeremy is going to rape my wife!

Turner: Does that matter right now?

Amukamara: Ye-

Turner: That's right. It doesn't. So let's get down to business. Did everyone hydrate?

Ben Tate: I hydrated so much that my bladder will explode any second now?

Turner: Then pee in a bottle.

Ben Tate: I don't have one.

Turner: Does anyone have an empty bottle?

Tate: I....can't....hold....it any longer....

Turner: SERIOUSLY DOES ANYONE HAVE A F*CKING BOTTLE THE MAN CAN USE?!!!!

Tate: I TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!! *pees in his pants* Aaaahhhh......much better.

Turner: Uh.....luckily we've arrived so let's go get off now.....yeah and stay away from Ben over there.

Tate: I have never felt so relieved in my life.

Eli: I'VE BECOME SO NUMB, I CAN'T FEEL YOU THERE!!!!!

Cruz: I'm tired of what you want me to be.

Eli: I'VE BECOME SO NUMB, I CAN'T FEEL YOU THERE!!!!!

Cruz: I'm tired of what you want me to be.

Eli: THAT WAS F*CKING AWESOME!!!!! Alright, now let's listen to "In the End."

Turner: Can you get the f*ck off the bus before you continue listening to stupid Linkin Park?

Second Quarter. 3:38 left in the quarter.

Ben McAdoo: Eli, run A24 X Right Slant on one. Okay?

Eli: That's not in our playbook.

McAdoo: Then good luck.

Eli: What do you mean?!!!

McAdoo: Just go out there.

-Eli goes to the huddle-

Eli: Alright we'll just go into I-formation and run the ball right but if I say Honey Nut Cheerios, then it's changed into a play action pass. Got it?

Cruz: What happened to the play, n*gga?

Eli: Just know that our OC is a dumba**.

Cruz: Seems legit.

Maclin: What route do I run?

Eli: Just run whatever route you want. Everyone just get to the line.

-Giants get ready-

Eli: OH MY GOD!!!! RACCOON RACCOON RACCOON!!!!! THERE'S A RACCOON!!!! SIX THREES! ILLUMINATI!!!! BARACK OBAMA!

Patrick Chung: What the f*ck are you saying?

Eli: NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!!! INDIA IS A CONTINENT!!!! INDIA IS A CONTINENT!!!!! I LIKE HONEY NUT CHEERIOS CEREAL! GO!

-Ball gets snapped and Eli fakes the handoff to Tate and pass it to Cruz-

Cruz: *catches the ball* HOLD UP CARY! Before you tackle me, I need to take my n*gga selfie of the day.

Cary Williams: Can't mess with a n*gga's selfie. Make it quick.

Cruz: Alright.....SIKE!!!! *runs past Cary Williams*

Cary: YOU F*CKING A**HOLE!!!! COME BACK HERE SO I CAN GET THOSE CRACKERS AT THE POLICE STATION TO BEAT YOUR A** UP!

Cruz: AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT! *runs to the end zone*

Giants 10 Eagles 3.

Cary: N*gga, I can't believe you.

Cruz: Hey its yo fault that you f*cking fell for it.

Cary: *starts crying* Screw you. *runs to Eagles sideline*

Eli: What did you do?

Cruz: Don't worry about it, Eli. I just got a touchdown.

Eli: Yeah I guess.