I finally couldn't deal with it anymore (separation/divorce)

[Toddzilla]

You guys have seen my past threads on trying my best to take care of my wife as she battles mental illness. You may remember past hospitalizations, her arrest for domestic battery, and other things.

To be honest, things never really got any better following the first major hospitalization for her back in 2010. Since then she's been all over the map as far as moods go but the prevailing ones have been anger, distance, and a distrust (since she blames me for forcing her to deal with bipolar disorder rather than let her do whatever she wants). Her behavior and attitude just isn't compatible with a happy family and I told her we needed to strongly think about a separation. Predictably she didn't take this well and has gone full throttle towards a divorce. I'm not surprised, I'm trying my best to take care of myself while I try to insulate my kids as much as possible from her anger.

I've gotten a lawyer, documented our current finances, and have been making plans for when the separation begins - which most likely will involve her moving out of the house.

Emotionally, I'm running on empty, and talking with a therapist I seem to have been for a while now. It doesn't help that I was laid-off again last month and am trying to get a job as well. When it rains, right?

Anyway, the FOFC threads have reminded me that you guys and girls have been like another family to me and who better to commiserate with and lean on for some good advice?

[Kodos]

Wow. I wish I had any practical advice for you, but I don't. Maybe try to focus on the job search, because that's something you have more control over? In any case, keep on hanging on. Things can get better. We've had so many situations on this board that have turned out pretty well in the long run. Sometimes it's hard to see that when you stuck in the shit currently.

[heybrad]

I know it might sound hollow on a message board but if there's anything I can do to help I'll sincerely give it my best shot. Stay strong.

[Toddzilla]

Thanks, brother.

I have absolutely no misconceptions whatsoever that this process, while super shitty, is going to result in a much happier Toddzilla, Toddzilla-ville, and my Toddzillians.

But yeah, I'm not looking forward to the next 12 months at all. Ugh.

[MacroGuru]

There will be light at the end of the tunnel and it's not selfish for you to want to be happy at the end.

To me, focus on the kids and yourself. Let them know they are loved because it's going to get crazy for them with someone who is bi-polar involved.

My ex has made it miserable for my kids, their love for me and my love for them is what keeps them going.

[BillJasper]

Good luck going forward.

[Edward64]

Sorry to hear. Good luck and best wishes over the next year.

[Honolulu_Blue]

I'm sorry to hear all of that. Good luck with everything. You're making the right call. It really sounds like you've really gone above and beyond the call of duty trying to deal with it.

Mental illness is an absolute motherfucking bitch. It is known.

[TroyF]

Originally Posted by Toddzilla

You guys have seen my past threads on trying my best to take care of my wife as she battles mental illness. You may remember past hospitalizations, her arrest for domestic battery, and other things.

To be honest, things never really got any better following the first major hospitalization for her back in 2010. Since then she's been all over the map as far as moods go but the prevailing ones have been anger, distance, and a distrust (since she blames me for forcing her to deal with bipolar disorder rather than let her do whatever she wants). Her behavior and attitude just isn't compatible with a happy family and I told her we needed to strongly think about a separation. Predictably she didn't take this well and has gone full throttle towards a divorce. I'm not surprised, I'm trying my best to take care of myself while I try to insulate my kids as much as possible from her anger.

I've gotten a lawyer, documented our current finances, and have been making plans for when the separation begins - which most likely will involve her moving out of the house.

Emotionally, I'm running on empty, and talking with a therapist I seem to have been for a while now. It doesn't help that I was laid-off again last month and am trying to get a job as well. When it rains, right?

Anyway, the FOFC threads have reminded me that you guys and girls have been like another family to me and who better to commiserate with and lean on for some good advice?

I divorced last year, got laid off and am moving to Oklahoma this month. Not saying any of that for sympathy, just letting you know I've been going through the same things.

Some of this might sound ridiculous, but it's what got me through it:

1) Rediscover your happy place. For the last two years of my marriage, I played video games as an escape, not as something I enjoyed doing. All of my best hobbies were the same way. I didn't enjoy doing them as much as I was doing something away from the stress of work and the stress of the failing marriage. I reevaluated every hobby I had. I dumped some of them and dove deeper into some of them. The last two months I've actually "played" video games again and cannot tell you how thrilled I am.

You need stress relief. Make sure you get it.

2) Don't listen to anyone telling you how to deal with your wife/ex wife outside of maybe your lawyer. You want support from friends and family, you don't want a lecture on what you should have done, what you should do now and what you should do in the future. I don't know if they think they are helping by saying "I knew that wasn't going to work out 2 years ago, you should have ended it then" or the other side "Did you really do all you could do to save the marriage"

Learn to tune them out. They think they are helping, they aren't.

3) Whatever you do, do not spend weeks, months or years beating the crap out of yourself. Whatever decisions you made, you made them for a reason. It's easy to start thinking "If i had just done this" or "If I had seen the signs" This ties in with #1 (when you start thinking this way, find something you enjoy doing to get the bad thoughts away) and #2 (You are doing this to yourself already, don't let other people try to help)


Best of luck to you. I hope some of that rambling struck a chord.

[ColtCrazy]

TroyF has some solid words, and I'm sure you've discussed this with your therapist as well. It's important to realize all this isn't your fault. At some point, she has to step up to control her situation. I was in the same situation in 2012, albeit the opposite end of the spectrum. I was the one that had the mental breakdown, mood swings, suicidal behavior. My wife was the rock. But I was the one that had to make the moves to get better, monitor myself, become aware of what set me off, managing myself, and taking my medication. If I don't do that, she doesn't stay. You can't blame yourself here.

Yes, a lot of what you do has to be for you and to get some sense of yourself back. My wife used the time to branch out into new hobbies and rediscovered old ones.

It's weird to just say hang in there, things will improve...but you have to and it will.
Best of luck to you.

[SegRat]

I went through divorce 2 years ago. If you want or need to talk off line let me know. I can tell you life gets much better.

[Dutch]

Sorry to hear it, man, but good news awaits. I am already looking forward to posts years from now on how well things are going for you. I was/am going through the exact same thing here (I followed SegRat, not too long after his ordeal into the end of relationship Purgatory about a year ago). So, I went into that dark and scary tunnel and after a looooong few months. My first emotions were fear, anger, sadness....but it was nice to feel something other than apathy....then came internal strength and independence....and finally, joy and happiness when I finally started to see the light at the end. It's amazing how awesome life can be once you scrape the bottom (for those of us unlucky enough to have to hit that point) and then pick yourself back up on your own (with as much family and friend support as possible, in my case...not much). It's not supposed to be easy. It will be painful, accept it, deal with it, and then rebuild yourself on your own before you do anything else. Once you are standing on your own two feet and can operate in the world without anybody else, then you can complete the rest of the puzzle (new relationship). At least, I think that's how it's supposed to work. And this time, know that you'll be armed to the teeth with knowledge and wisdom. Good luck! It truly, truly sucks, but it only gets better. Believe in yourself and all will be good.

[Eaglesfan27]

My divorce back in 08/09 was the best thing that has ever happened in my life. I'm in a much better marriage now in every way possible. Still, it was difficult to go through at the time. Best of luck going through everything and don't hesitate to reach out if you need to chat or anything.

[BYU 14]

So sorry to hear and a lot of good words already in this thread and I can only echo what others are saying.

You are going to go through some crappy times and some real lows, but time will eventually be your friend in this, be patient and stay focused on the end result, which is a better life for you and your kids.

To me, most important is handle this with your head and not emotions. It sounds cold, but it almost has to be a business deal. Use those you trust in your circle, or seek a professional to work through the emotional piece so it doesn't creep into your dealings with your wife.

[Fidatelo]

Sorry to hear about this news. I wish you all the best as you go forward.

[CrimsonFox]

That's really tough Todd. Keep your spirits up. Good you've gotten a lawyer. Did she ever get treatment/counseling?


Anyway sounds like what you're doing is indeed the best. Hope the kids make it through okay.

[Marc Vaughan]

I'm sorry to hear of what you're going through - I went through something very similar with my ex-wife.

I can't really offer much advice - but from my own experience its horribly painful at the time, but a year and a little onward from it I am SO happy that I did it, I have a predictable life, a loving girlfriend and am so much happier now.

I would HEAVILY suggest you get into counseling if you haven't already - I'd also suggest joining a divorce group as a means of meeting people and making friends with others going through similar experiences ... you'll probably find you are far from alone in what you're going through and knowing that helped me a lot.

[Dodgerchick]

Ugh my God, I'm so sorry Toddzilla. I remember those threads and posts from a few years ago. I can't begin to imagine what you're going through. Some really good advice in this thread. I can't think of anything else to add. But I do want to reiterate:

- Focus on you: I can't begin to stress how important this is. TroyF said it perfectly. Lose yourself in what makes you happy. It's such a stress reliever. Is there something you've always wanted to do, but haven't? Now might be a perfect time to start.

- Support system: whether online, friends or family. They'll give you strength, support and help you heal.

You're in my thoughts, Toddzilla. Hugs <3

[Toddzilla]

A ray of sunshine - I took a job with Capital One today, starting in a week. VERY VERY happy development.

[claphamsa]

[TroyF]

Congrats!!!

Now that my move to OK is done, that's on my agenda.

[Arles]

Congrats Todd!

[JPhillips]

Congrats!

[jaygr]

Congrats. Great to hear some good news.

[Young Drachma]

Congrats man.

[Ramzavail]

nice!

[Dodgerchick]

Yay, CONGRATS!!

[Eaglesfan27]

Congratulations!

[cartman]

Congrats! Are you gonna be on the project to finally find out "What's in your wallet?"

[Kodos]

Awesome! Glad to hear this!

[Toddzilla]

Thanks, brothers and sisters, you made my day. I love all of you like you were family.

and yes, If I don't get to meet Sam the first week, I'll be salty

[Comey]

Congratulations Zilla...that's fantastic news. I hope this paves the road to sunnier days ahead.

[Subby]

That's really great news. Congratulations!

[Marc Vaughan]

Congrats - that's awesome news

[Logan]

Missed this that the first time around and just catching the update now. Congrats Todd! Are you working in McLean? I started with Capital One in December up here in NYC. It's been a good company to be with so far.

[Dutch]

Congrats!

[dolfin]

Congrats!!

[law90026]

Congrats!

[Karlifornia]

Congrats, Todd. Hanging in there usually seems to lead to good things. I'm sure the decision to split was just as gut wrenching as the last part of the relationship. It sucks that she's unhealthy, but this life doesn't last very long, and you need to make it joyous for you at some point. Getting what sounds like a sweet job will make this transition smoother. Sorry about the turmoil. Life can be a real crazy ride.