Dealing With Long Illness In Family (Cancer)

Chief Rum · 11-05-2010, 10:38 AM

Hi everyone,

Just wanted to say before I get into this that, although I have only met a few of you face to face, that outside of my family and friends, you all form pretty much my next "family", my online family, as you will, so I feel like I want to (and maybe even should) be open about something going on in my life and seek guidance and advice from the many great posters here.

Yesterday, my Mom was diagnosed with lung cancer and it has already metastisized (spread) and gone to her brain. She had shown no symptoms until she suffered a seizure while driving (no one was hurt, no accident, thank God), and she says she still feels fine/the same. She's 62.

The doctors say if she fights it (and she will), she has about a year and a half. The five-year rate of survival for any diagnosis of lung cancer (metastasized or not) is 14-15%, and I can only assume that since the cancer has spread, the percentages go down very significantly.

So although we're fighting the good fight, I think me and my family are all more or less resigned to the likelihood my Mom's not going to make it.

I know Senator (I think) was just dealing with cancer in a parent, I think, and there are plenty of others I am sure. I just wanted to get some feedback from anyone willing to offer it on how best to deal with fighting cancer specifically (both for my Mom and our family) and also on preparing in the long term for her passing and what needs to be taken care of there.

I feel like I have some handle on the logisitics with respect to handling estates and how to prepare things, such as with respect to my Mom's condo and the use of trusts and what not, since I am in the real estate business, plus my uncle is a former corporate bigwig lawyer and we're all going to have a meeting about this stuff tomorrow. But I am out of element with respect to tax impacts and dealing with a mortgage and what not.

And where I am really uncertain is how best to help my Mom through this, whether it's in fighting it or accepting it, the day to day, as well as what kind of physical symptoms and effects we're going to be seeing as a result of the radiation and eventually chemo.

In any case, I appreciate any thoughts. This has always been a resourceful, giving and caring community, so I'll thank you all in advance.

Matt Kieta (aka Chief Rum)

Mustang · 11-05-2010, 10:48 AM

I'm horrible at giving advice in these regards so, I won't even attempt. All I can offer is best wishes to you and your family in the coming months.

spleen1015 · 11-05-2010, 11:00 AM

Yeah, best wishes Chief. This has to be rough, man. We're all thinking about you.

JediKooter · 11-05-2010, 11:08 AM

I am very sorry to hear about your mom. I have no advice other than, do what you can to help, be there for her and I'm hoping for the best for your mom, you and your family.

Suburban Rhythm · 11-05-2010, 11:15 AM

I'll echo what is above...in situations like these not really sure what to say, other than we'll all be praying and thinking good thoughts for you.

Only thing I can add, as far as how you cope and help your Mom cope, follow her lead. Probably sometimes she/you will want to cry, and nothing wrong with that. Other times, she/you will want to forget about it for a little while, and live "normally"...even if it is for a few hours, and nothing wrong with that. Other times, she/you might be angry about it...nothing wrong with that.

Chief Rum · 11-05-2010, 11:15 AM

Thanks, guys.

This probably goes without saying, but for those of you whom have friended me on Facebook, while this news is probably making the rounds there among my more outflung family and friends, I would like to keep any comment from FOFC friends here instead.

My immediate family and friends know about my "football board", but the outlying reaches, particularly the older folk, will probably be less enlightened about my willingness to bring this subject up in an online forum.

Thanks again.

Swaggs · 11-05-2010, 11:16 AM

Thoughts and prayers are with you, CR.

We just lost a close family member to a long-term illness last night.

This is probably kind of painful for you to discuss now, but one thing that we are/were thankful for was that he had prepared a list of directives (from things like DNR, to leaving the hospital to go home if further treatment is unlikely to help, to feeding directives). It was somewhat comforting to know that we were able to make his decisions based on what he would have wanted to do and the decisions he would have made.

Lathum · 11-05-2010, 11:18 AM

Sorry to hear Matt. As others have said not much to add except we'll be praying and if you ever need to vent or anything we're all here.

Chief Rum · 11-05-2010, 11:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Swaggs

Thoughts and prayers are with you, CR.

We just lost a close family member to a long-term illness last night.

This is probably kind of painful for you to discuss now, but one thing that we are/were thankful for was that he had prepared a list of directives (from things like DNR, to leaving the hospital to go home if further treatment is unlikely to help, to feeding directives). It was somewhat comforting to know that we were able to make his decisions based on what he would have wanted to do and the decisions he would have made.

You know, Charlie, it's weird, because it's not painful just yet. I think we're all more in shock. I am sure the pain will come. Right now, we're all just sort of trying to figure out how to deal with it. Maybe this is just the phase we're all in. Heck, I think even my Mom is in this phase right now. She's mostly annoyed she can't drive for 12 weeks because of the seizure.

I know Mom has already given some thought on the DNR, but we definitely need to think about the logistics of the medical care near the end. I am sure that my Uncle and I and my brothers will be discussing this some tomorrow.

Thanks.

Chief Rum · 11-05-2010, 11:22 AM

Oh and sorry for your loss as well. I hope you and your family are holding up well.

JonInMiddleGA · 11-05-2010, 11:39 AM

Chief, first of all please accept my sincere condolences. My prayers for all those affected by this go along with that, that's a package deal.

I can't help much with the finer legal & financial points but there is something I'll offer on the emotional aspect.

As some of the board may recall, I lost my grandmother to liver cancer almost three years ago. One of the things I struggled with throughout that was knowing what to do/say. Loving & supporting her was easy, but learning how to keep my mouth shut when we disagreed over her treatment choices, doctor's decisions, etc., wasn't.

What I finally tried to look for was a sense of acceptance. Not of the disease or what became the inevitable outcome for her but rather of her right to make her own decisions whether I liked it or not. And with that came some sort of understanding that "how to best help" wasn't something I
had complete control of either. That's the understanding I'd offer you today, that what the family members think/want to do isn't necessarily always the best thing.

I imagine every situation is going to have its own unique characteristics & to help most requires reading & reacting to the loved one and the desires that they express or that you recognize. Wishing you could make it go away is the most natural thing in the world but that isn't an option, instead we're left with trying to fulfill whatever role they want us to take.

In my own case, I cherish some of the conversations that I had with her during the final months. We laughed a lot, incredible as that might sound. She told stories all the way back to her childhood, we reminisced about the things & people we'd shared, poked fun at a few absurdities. That was, I believe, some form of comfort for her or at least a distraction and it was something she wanted to do with me so I ran with it.

The other, unexpected, role that fell to me almost exclusively was becoming my mother's outlet. My mother, an only child, was the primary caregiver for her mother during some awful times. The daily care & watching someone go through the final stages was a grinding, draining experience. If she needed to vent, to cry, to laugh at some highly inappropriate stuff, whatever ... I was her go-to person for that. I don't know how much it helped, but again, it was something that I just followed her lead on.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I believe you probably help most by responding to the needs of the loved ones around you as they are revealed.

This is something, as nearly impossible as it is to accept, that is almost completely beyond your control. Letting go of the illusion of control, accepting that what you want most to offer isn't always what the people you love so much need or want, and setting your own desires aside to fulfill the roles they want/need you to play is about as good as my advice is going to get.

My heart goes out to you & your family.

Chief Rum · 11-05-2010, 11:47 AM

Thanks, Jon, very touching. I am sure your insight here will help a lot (as will that of others, not to downplay them, but I can tell you put a lot of thought into that and in drawing from your experience).

JonInMiddleGA · 11-05-2010, 12:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chief Rum

Thanks, Jon, very touching. I am sure your insight here will help a lot (as will that of others, not to downplay them, but I can tell you put a lot of thought into that and in drawing from your experience).

At the risk of obvious understatement, it can be a very hard road for everyone touched by this sort of thing. I struggled throughout with finding my place in it all and looking back at the thread from then, the phrase "do no harm" really rings true in hindsight. You won't be perfect, between the learning curve & the uncertainty there really isn't any perfect in it.

What I believe I learned was that all you can really do is the very best you can & I'm confident you'll meet that challenge, even if you aren't always personally satisfied by it, you'll be committed to the effort.

I just wish I could offer something that was more encouraging or comforting.

Kodos · 11-05-2010, 12:02 PM

Really sorry to hear about this Chief. I don't have a lot of advice for you, except to echo what others have said: be there for her in whatever manner she wants you to be. Your whole family will be in my thoughts.

Swaggs, you have my condolences too.

Fuck cancer.

BYU 14 · 11-05-2010, 12:55 PM

First off I want to extend my thoughts and prayers to you and your family.

My Grandmother battled a form of leukemia for years before eventually succumbing to it and she always felt best when we didn't talk about it. I suppose it boils down to individual choice, but my grandmother always was one to worry more about others than herself. I think Jon's post is spot on.

For my grandmother she lived her normal life as long as she could and though I am sure she had some painful moments accepting her illness she never let on and whenever I wanted to talk about her she would quickly change the subject to how I was doing. The hardest part for me was conforming to what she wanted as I wanted to do all I could to help her and she wanted to do what she had always done, which is take care of others.

Whatever road plays out just enjoy every moment, I found with Grandma it helped to take time over the course of here ordeal to prepare myself, whether it be crying, looking back on fond memories or trying to convince myself I would be strong when the day came (I still fell apart of course)

All I can do is wish you and your family the best and hope that you are able to enjoy your time with her immensely.

JPhillips · 11-05-2010, 02:35 PM

My Dad died at 67 after a long bout with prostate cancer that eventually spread to his bladder and liver. Dad fought up to a point, but somewhere along the line he realized that he wasn't going to survive and decided to stop with some of the more painful and/or unpleasant treatments. The most important thing for Dad was that he die at home. That was tough, especially for Mom in the last couple of weeks, but as Jon said, it's really important to let them have control of the end of their life.

Do you have kids? We adopted after my Dad died and one thing I wish I had done was bought together a video of Dad when he was vibrant. I have lots of pictures, but I wish I could show my daughter what her grandpa was like. I also wish I would have recorded some of his stories about his childhood and early adulthood. Of course I don't know if he would have agreed to that as it's obviously a bit morbid.

I don't know how to avoid this, but one of the most difficult aspects of Dad's death is that the image of him in those last weeks sticks with me in a way I wish it didn't. I won't sugarcoat, and I sure as hell hope your mother doesn't go through what Dad did, but the end was brutal. I catch myself seeing images of Dad in those last weeks when someone mentions him and I really wish those memories weren't imprinted.

Good luck and God bless.

dwardzala · 11-05-2010, 04:42 PM

Sorry to hear about this. My best advice is take it one day at a time and don't anticipate the future. When my dad was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer (in his 70s), I was never told the prognosis, but I am fairly certain it was a similar timeframe to your expectation, maybe even less. He lived for almost 6 years after his diagnosis and 4 of those were "almost normal" (played golf, fished, etc).

I don't mean to give you hope or unrealistic expectations, but nobody knows what is going to happen. Be happy for each day you have with her, celebrate the victories and don't let the set backs get you down.

I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

Bad-example · 11-05-2010, 08:23 PM

I wish you strength during this messed up time. Damn.

Eaglesfan27 · 11-05-2010, 08:37 PM

No advice, but I wish you and your family the best, Matt.

stevew · 11-05-2010, 08:55 PM

Sorry to hear Matt.

I'd probably try to get an accurate picture of her finances, etc.
Some people elect to purchase a funeral package when they have a clearer mind...basically that and many other things are best done devoid of strong emotions

Also it might not be bad to familiarize yourself with her health insurance. With various hospice and home care options.

Chief Rum · 01-23-2011, 12:38 PM

Hey everyone,

Not all of you are friends with me on Facebook, so I thought I better pass this along here, too.

My mom passed away yesterday, due to complications from her treatment for cancer. She went peacefully and without pain.

It has been a rollercoaster three months since she was diagnosed with lung cancer that metastasized to her brain. I haven't said much about it, because, you know, when you're in the middle of it all and you don't know the end of the story, you don't really know how to tell it to others.

My mom had radiation for her brain cancer in November, and was taking Dilantin because she had a seizure at the start of all this (a seizure caused by the tumors in her brain). She also started to take Decadron, a steroid, becuase the tumors were causing swelling in her brain that was making it hard for her to think clearly and communicate.

The first week of December, she got a horrible rash that progressed quickly to blister levels. It turns out she is one of the 2-6 out of a million people who are susceptible to a very rare skin condition called Stevens-Johnson Syndrome, which essentially kills off the underlying layer of skin. This condition is an allergic reaction to Dilantin and radiation can be a contributing factor. There's no real way to test for it until it happens.

The rash and blistering came to encompass much of her body, and is akin to second degree burns. Because of how rare the condition is, there are few known treatments. They started her on one they thought had the best prognosis, but the doctors essentially told us it was unlikely she would make it through that weekend in December.

So it almost felt like a miracle when the treatments actually worked, and she started getting better. But she had a long way to go. Her body was know healing her skin, growing her a new skin and allowing her old skin to die. She had to remain in the hospital for two weeks, and then in a nursing facility for three weeks, including Christmas.

On New Year's Day, she was allowed to leave nursing facility to stay with her friend, a retired oncology nurse. This whole time, she wasn't getting her chemo for her cancer, because chemo pretty much eliminates your immune system, and without her protective skin, she was even more susceptible to infection than usual. So we thought the cancer in her lungs would have spread. Well, not only had the cancer not spread as it appeared, it even appeared to shrink in size, without treatment. And a CT scan of her brain indicated all of the tumors there were either shrunk or gone from the radiation. We truly felt we had a miracle on our hands. The doctors were amazed.

She had her first chemo treatment a week ago. It was soon after that that her nurse friend saw how much weaker my mom's legs were. She had been on this Decadron steroid the whole time, and because of the long term use, she was losing muscle tone and strength as a side effect. She couldn't walk or do much with her legs and was generally weak. This past Tuesday, she started to fall (her friend was there to help her to the ground) and she had to be transported to the hospital.

It was while she was at the hospital that they discovered that she had a staph infection. They started her on antibiotics, but it turns out this was a tougher drug-resistant staph. It spread very quickly. We still don't (and won't ever) know where the infection started, but it could have begun as early as her fight with SJS and lied dormant, slowly growing while she was being nursed to health.

And in the end, that is how Mom lost the fight. This infection almost from out of nowhere, despite how well she was doing with the cancer. Funny, the twists life takes, huh?

She went peacefully and without pain yesterday afternoon. She just turned 63 years of age two weeks ago.

We are calling the extra six weeks she lived a miracle six weeks, and are wondering why God gave them to her. He must have had some purpose to it. Maybe for us all to say goodbye. Or to hear her infinite laughter and joy. I don't know. But I am glad we had that time. She had some special moments in that time, to let her know without question how much she was loved.

Thanks again to all of you have followed along. Your prayers have all been appreciated, more than I can say.

PurdueBrad · 01-23-2011, 12:40 PM

Our love and prayers are with you CR, I'm glad that in the end she went peacefully.

terpkristin · 01-23-2011, 12:43 PM

Sorry to hear of your loss, CR. I'm glad that you guys were able to get those "miracle 6 weeks" and that she went without pain.

/tk

Eaglesfan27 · 01-23-2011, 01:03 PM

Sorry for your loss, CR. Glad that you were able to enjoy those 6 weeks with her.

MrBug708 · 01-23-2011, 01:04 PM

Sorry for your loss Matt

MizzouRah · 01-23-2011, 01:15 PM

My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family CR. Like terpkristin said, it was great reading you were able to spend 6 weeks with your mom before she passed and I will be thinking of her and you for a long time to come.

samifan24 · 01-23-2011, 01:33 PM

So sorry for your loss, CR. Your family are in our prayers.

Senator · 01-23-2011, 01:35 PM

Chief, I never saw the original post, as it was during the real tornado of my grief. I am very sorry to hear this. I know exactly how you are feeling, but that will not really make you feel any better. My circumstances were similar, the diagnoses came out of nowhere, he was 65 and had retired just three months before, ready to enjoy life, really for the first time. He was also doing well with the leukemia and other things started to get him due to his immune system being zapped from chemo. Pneumonia eventually got the last attack and he had nothing left to fight with.

The main thing that took me by surprise, was, intellectually, I was prepared for it. I had mentally positioned myself to handle everything that was most likely coming. I was there almost every day the last 4 months, and while those days were precious, those were days I would not wish on anyone. I had to see my proud and noble dad deteriorate in every conceivable way. What I was not prepared for was how emotionally painful it has been, and how my emotions are on a roller coaster.

It has now been 4 months, and I still expect him to call and ask about his grandson. Maybe this goes away, but the only advice I guess I can share is to let yourself go up and down that roller coaster, because they tell me that is normal and healthy in the end.

For now, my heartfelt condolences.

MIJB#19 · 01-23-2011, 01:47 PM

My condolences, Matt.

MacroGuru · 01-23-2011, 01:53 PM

Chief,

Saw your FB post and immediately thought of this thread and had to say my condolences...

Bad-example · 01-23-2011, 01:54 PM

Very sorry for your loss.

stevew · 01-23-2011, 03:36 PM

Sorry to hear Matt.

CleBrownsfan · 01-23-2011, 03:46 PM

My thoughts are with you and your family CR....

Sun Tzu · 01-23-2011, 04:15 PM

Very sorry to hear Matt, but happy that you had those six weeks (and a lifetime, come to think of it) to enjoy her love and laughter.

Suburban Rhythm · 01-23-2011, 04:29 PM

Thoughts and prayers CR

Radii · 01-23-2011, 06:13 PM

Sorry to hear about this CR, stay strong.

Izulde · 01-23-2011, 06:15 PM

Sorry for your loss, CR.

Dr. Sak · 01-23-2011, 06:17 PM

So sorry for your loss Matt.

Lathum · 01-23-2011, 06:37 PM

Not much to say except so, so, sorry for your loss.

DanGarion · 01-23-2011, 09:24 PM

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss Matt. If you need anything please let me know. I'm local to you, so if you need someone to just talk with or whatever I'm here. My wife and I lost her father after successful surgery due to complications after a fall while he was healing, we have been there.

Swaggs · 01-23-2011, 09:41 PM

Really sorry for your loss, Matt.

Will be sending thoughts and prayers to you and your family.

SnDvls · 01-23-2011, 09:47 PM

Sorry for your loss CR

JPhillips · 01-23-2011, 09:58 PM

Sorry to hear. Eventually some of the pain passes, but the memories live on.

JediKooter · 01-24-2011, 11:05 AM

Sorry to hear about your mom Chief. My condolences to you and your family.

digamma · 01-24-2011, 11:35 AM

My best as well.

chesapeake · 01-24-2011, 12:34 PM

Sorry to see this, CR. Best wishes to you and your family.

Honolulu_Blue · 01-24-2011, 12:55 PM

Very sorry to hear this, Chief. All the best to you and your family.

As I have just started down this path with a loved one of my own, I know how hard this can be, how much it sucks and how wonderful whatever time you have with your family really is.

H_B

Karlifornia · 01-24-2011, 01:04 PM

Sorry for your loss. It's never easy, man.

Kodos · 01-24-2011, 05:07 PM

Your post made me tear up, Chief. My sincere condolences for you and your family during this time of loss. Help your Mom live on with happy memories of her.

BYU 14 · 01-24-2011, 05:57 PM

So sorry for your loss CR, my condolences to you and your family. Always keep those memories close that make you smile.

11-05-2010, 10:48 AM	#2
Mustang Grizzled Veteran Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: Wisconsin	I'm horrible at giving advice in these regards so, I won't even attempt. All I can offer is best wishes to you and your family in the coming months. __________________ You, you will regret what you have done this day. I will make you regret ever being born. Your going to wish you never left your mothers womb, where it was warm and safe... and wet. i am going to show you pain you never knew existed, you are going to see a whole new spectrum of pain, like a Rainboooow. But! This rainbow is not just like any other rainbow, its...

11-05-2010, 11:08 AM	#4
JediKooter Coordinator Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: San Diego via Sausalito via San Jose via San Diego	I am very sorry to hear about your mom. I have no advice other than, do what you can to help, be there for her and I'm hoping for the best for your mom, you and your family. __________________ I'm no longer a Chargers fan, they are dead to me Coming this summer to a movie theater near you: The Adventures of Jedikooter: Part 4

11-05-2010, 11:15 AM	#5
Suburban Rhythm Pro Starter Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: Pittsburgh	I'll echo what is above...in situations like these not really sure what to say, other than we'll all be praying and thinking good thoughts for you. Only thing I can add, as far as how you cope and help your Mom cope, follow her lead. Probably sometimes she/you will want to cry, and nothing wrong with that. Other times, she/you will want to forget about it for a little while, and live "normally"...even if it is for a few hours, and nothing wrong with that. Other times, she/you might be angry about it...nothing wrong with that. __________________ "Do you guys play fast tempos with odd time signatures?" "Yeah" "Cool!!"

11-05-2010, 11:15 AM	#6
Chief Rum Hall Of Famer Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: Where Hip Hop lives	Thanks, guys. This probably goes without saying, but for those of you whom have friended me on Facebook, while this news is probably making the rounds there among my more outflung family and friends, I would like to keep any comment from FOFC friends here instead. My immediate family and friends know about my "football board", but the outlying reaches, particularly the older folk, will probably be less enlightened about my willingness to bring this subject up in an online forum. Thanks again. __________________ . . I would rather be wrong...Than live in the shadows of your song...My mind is open wide...And now I'm ready to start...You're not sure...You open the door...And step out into the dark...Now I'm ready.

11-05-2010, 11:16 AM	#7
Swaggs Coordinator Join Date: Oct 2000	Thoughts and prayers are with you, CR. We just lost a close family member to a long-term illness last night. This is probably kind of painful for you to discuss now, but one thing that we are/were thankful for was that he had prepared a list of directives (from things like DNR, to leaving the hospital to go home if further treatment is unlikely to help, to feeding directives). It was somewhat comforting to know that we were able to make his decisions based on what he would have wanted to do and the decisions he would have made. __________________ DOWN WITH HATTRICK!!! The RWBL Are you reading In The Bleachers?

11-05-2010, 11:00 AM	#3
spleen1015 Coordinator Join Date: Sep 2003	Yeah, best wishes Chief. This has to be rough, man. We're all thinking about you.

11-05-2010, 11:18 AM	#8
Lathum Favored Bitch #1 Join Date: Dec 2001 Location: homeless in NJ	Sorry to hear Matt. As others have said not much to add except we'll be praying and if you ever need to vent or anything we're all here. Last edited by Lathum : 11-05-2010 at 11:31 AM.

11-05-2010, 11:22 AM	#10
Chief Rum Hall Of Famer Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: Where Hip Hop lives	Oh and sorry for your loss as well. I hope you and your family are holding up well. __________________ . . I would rather be wrong...Than live in the shadows of your song...My mind is open wide...And now I'm ready to start...You're not sure...You open the door...And step out into the dark...Now I'm ready.

11-05-2010, 11:39 AM	#11
JonInMiddleGA Hall Of Famer Join Date: Nov 2000 Location: Behind Enemy Lines in Athens, GA	Chief, first of all please accept my sincere condolences. My prayers for all those affected by this go along with that, that's a package deal. I can't help much with the finer legal & financial points but there is something I'll offer on the emotional aspect. As some of the board may recall, I lost my grandmother to liver cancer almost three years ago. One of the things I struggled with throughout that was knowing what to do/say. Loving & supporting her was easy, but learning how to keep my mouth shut when we disagreed over her treatment choices, doctor's decisions, etc., wasn't. What I finally tried to look for was a sense of acceptance. Not of the disease or what became the inevitable outcome for her but rather of her right to make her own decisions whether I liked it or not. And with that came some sort of understanding that "how to best help" wasn't something I had complete control of either. That's the understanding I'd offer you today, that what the family members think/want to do isn't necessarily always the best thing. I imagine every situation is going to have its own unique characteristics & to help most requires reading & reacting to the loved one and the desires that they express or that you recognize. Wishing you could make it go away is the most natural thing in the world but that isn't an option, instead we're left with trying to fulfill whatever role they want us to take. In my own case, I cherish some of the conversations that I had with her during the final months. We laughed a lot, incredible as that might sound. She told stories all the way back to her childhood, we reminisced about the things & people we'd shared, poked fun at a few absurdities. That was, I believe, some form of comfort for her or at least a distraction and it was something she wanted to do with me so I ran with it. The other, unexpected, role that fell to me almost exclusively was becoming my mother's outlet. My mother, an only child, was the primary caregiver for her mother during some awful times. The daily care & watching someone go through the final stages was a grinding, draining experience. If she needed to vent, to cry, to laugh at some highly inappropriate stuff, whatever ... I was her go-to person for that. I don't know how much it helped, but again, it was something that I just followed her lead on. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I believe you probably help most by responding to the needs of the loved ones around you as they are revealed. This is something, as nearly impossible as it is to accept, that is almost completely beyond your control. Letting go of the illusion of control, accepting that what you want most to offer isn't always what the people you love so much need or want, and setting your own desires aside to fulfill the roles they want/need you to play is about as good as my advice is going to get. My heart goes out to you & your family. __________________ "I lit another cigarette. Unless I specifically inform you to the contrary, I am always lighting another cigarette." - from a novel by Martin Amis

11-05-2010, 11:47 AM	#12
Chief Rum Hall Of Famer Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: Where Hip Hop lives	Thanks, Jon, very touching. I am sure your insight here will help a lot (as will that of others, not to downplay them, but I can tell you put a lot of thought into that and in drawing from your experience). __________________ . . I would rather be wrong...Than live in the shadows of your song...My mind is open wide...And now I'm ready to start...You're not sure...You open the door...And step out into the dark...Now I'm ready.

11-05-2010, 12:02 PM	#14
Kodos Resident Alien Join Date: Jun 2001	Really sorry to hear about this Chief. I don't have a lot of advice for you, except to echo what others have said: be there for her in whatever manner she wants you to be. Your whole family will be in my thoughts. Swaggs, you have my condolences too. Fuck cancer. __________________ Author of The Bill Gates Challenge, as well as other groundbreaking dynasties.

11-05-2010, 12:55 PM	#15
BYU 14 Coordinator Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: The scorched Desert	First off I want to extend my thoughts and prayers to you and your family. My Grandmother battled a form of leukemia for years before eventually succumbing to it and she always felt best when we didn't talk about it. I suppose it boils down to individual choice, but my grandmother always was one to worry more about others than herself. I think Jon's post is spot on. For my grandmother she lived her normal life as long as she could and though I am sure she had some painful moments accepting her illness she never let on and whenever I wanted to talk about her she would quickly change the subject to how I was doing. The hardest part for me was conforming to what she wanted as I wanted to do all I could to help her and she wanted to do what she had always done, which is take care of others. Whatever road plays out just enjoy every moment, I found with Grandma it helped to take time over the course of here ordeal to prepare myself, whether it be crying, looking back on fond memories or trying to convince myself I would be strong when the day came (I still fell apart of course) All I can do is wish you and your family the best and hope that you are able to enjoy your time with her immensely.

11-05-2010, 02:35 PM	#16
JPhillips Hall Of Famer Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Newburgh, NY	My Dad died at 67 after a long bout with prostate cancer that eventually spread to his bladder and liver. Dad fought up to a point, but somewhere along the line he realized that he wasn't going to survive and decided to stop with some of the more painful and/or unpleasant treatments. The most important thing for Dad was that he die at home. That was tough, especially for Mom in the last couple of weeks, but as Jon said, it's really important to let them have control of the end of their life. Do you have kids? We adopted after my Dad died and one thing I wish I had done was bought together a video of Dad when he was vibrant. I have lots of pictures, but I wish I could show my daughter what her grandpa was like. I also wish I would have recorded some of his stories about his childhood and early adulthood. Of course I don't know if he would have agreed to that as it's obviously a bit morbid. I don't know how to avoid this, but one of the most difficult aspects of Dad's death is that the image of him in those last weeks sticks with me in a way I wish it didn't. I won't sugarcoat, and I sure as hell hope your mother doesn't go through what Dad did, but the end was brutal. I catch myself seeing images of Dad in those last weeks when someone mentions him and I really wish those memories weren't imprinted. Good luck and God bless. __________________ To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.. - Mr. Rogers

11-05-2010, 04:42 PM	#17
dwardzala H.S. Freshman Team Join Date: Nov 2004	Sorry to hear about this. My best advice is take it one day at a time and don't anticipate the future. When my dad was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer (in his 70s), I was never told the prognosis, but I am fairly certain it was a similar timeframe to your expectation, maybe even less. He lived for almost 6 years after his diagnosis and 4 of those were "almost normal" (played golf, fished, etc). I don't mean to give you hope or unrealistic expectations, but nobody knows what is going to happen. Be happy for each day you have with her, celebrate the victories and don't let the set backs get you down. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

11-05-2010, 08:23 PM	#18
Bad-example College Starter Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: san jose CA	I wish you strength during this messed up time. Damn.

11-05-2010, 08:37 PM	#19
Eaglesfan27 Hall Of Famer Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: New Jersey	No advice, but I wish you and your family the best, Matt. __________________ Retired GM of the eNFL 2007 Super Bowl Champion Philadelphia Eagles (19-0 record.) GM of the WOOF 2006 Doggie Bowl Champion Atlantic City Gamblers. GM of the IHOF 2019 and 2022 IHOF Bowl Champion Asheville Axemen.

11-05-2010, 08:55 PM	#20
stevew Hall Of Famer Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: the yo'	Sorry to hear Matt. I'd probably try to get an accurate picture of her finances, etc. Some people elect to purchase a funeral package when they have a clearer mind...basically that and many other things are best done devoid of strong emotions Also it might not be bad to familiarize yourself with her health insurance. With various hospice and home care options.

01-23-2011, 12:38 PM	#21
Chief Rum Hall Of Famer Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: Where Hip Hop lives	Hey everyone, Not all of you are friends with me on Facebook, so I thought I better pass this along here, too. My mom passed away yesterday, due to complications from her treatment for cancer. She went peacefully and without pain. It has been a rollercoaster three months since she was diagnosed with lung cancer that metastasized to her brain. I haven't said much about it, because, you know, when you're in the middle of it all and you don't know the end of the story, you don't really know how to tell it to others. My mom had radiation for her brain cancer in November, and was taking Dilantin because she had a seizure at the start of all this (a seizure caused by the tumors in her brain). She also started to take Decadron, a steroid, becuase the tumors were causing swelling in her brain that was making it hard for her to think clearly and communicate. The first week of December, she got a horrible rash that progressed quickly to blister levels. It turns out she is one of the 2-6 out of a million people who are susceptible to a very rare skin condition called Stevens-Johnson Syndrome, which essentially kills off the underlying layer of skin. This condition is an allergic reaction to Dilantin and radiation can be a contributing factor. There's no real way to test for it until it happens. The rash and blistering came to encompass much of her body, and is akin to second degree burns. Because of how rare the condition is, there are few known treatments. They started her on one they thought had the best prognosis, but the doctors essentially told us it was unlikely she would make it through that weekend in December. So it almost felt like a miracle when the treatments actually worked, and she started getting better. But she had a long way to go. Her body was know healing her skin, growing her a new skin and allowing her old skin to die. She had to remain in the hospital for two weeks, and then in a nursing facility for three weeks, including Christmas. On New Year's Day, she was allowed to leave nursing facility to stay with her friend, a retired oncology nurse. This whole time, she wasn't getting her chemo for her cancer, because chemo pretty much eliminates your immune system, and without her protective skin, she was even more susceptible to infection than usual. So we thought the cancer in her lungs would have spread. Well, not only had the cancer not spread as it appeared, it even appeared to shrink in size, without treatment. And a CT scan of her brain indicated all of the tumors there were either shrunk or gone from the radiation. We truly felt we had a miracle on our hands. The doctors were amazed. She had her first chemo treatment a week ago. It was soon after that that her nurse friend saw how much weaker my mom's legs were. She had been on this Decadron steroid the whole time, and because of the long term use, she was losing muscle tone and strength as a side effect. She couldn't walk or do much with her legs and was generally weak. This past Tuesday, she started to fall (her friend was there to help her to the ground) and she had to be transported to the hospital. It was while she was at the hospital that they discovered that she had a staph infection. They started her on antibiotics, but it turns out this was a tougher drug-resistant staph. It spread very quickly. We still don't (and won't ever) know where the infection started, but it could have begun as early as her fight with SJS and lied dormant, slowly growing while she was being nursed to health. And in the end, that is how Mom lost the fight. This infection almost from out of nowhere, despite how well she was doing with the cancer. Funny, the twists life takes, huh? She went peacefully and without pain yesterday afternoon. She just turned 63 years of age two weeks ago. We are calling the extra six weeks she lived a miracle six weeks, and are wondering why God gave them to her. He must have had some purpose to it. Maybe for us all to say goodbye. Or to hear her infinite laughter and joy. I don't know. But I am glad we had that time. She had some special moments in that time, to let her know without question how much she was loved. Thanks again to all of you have followed along. Your prayers have all been appreciated, more than I can say. __________________ . . I would rather be wrong...Than live in the shadows of your song...My mind is open wide...And now I'm ready to start...You're not sure...You open the door...And step out into the dark...Now I'm ready.

01-23-2011, 12:40 PM	#22
PurdueBrad Grizzled Veteran Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: DeKalb, IL	Our love and prayers are with you CR, I'm glad that in the end she went peacefully.

01-23-2011, 12:43 PM	#23
terpkristin Grizzled Veteran Join Date: May 2003 Location: Ashburn, VA	Sorry to hear of your loss, CR. I'm glad that you guys were able to get those "miracle 6 weeks" and that she went without pain. /tk __________________ GO TERPS! https://www.flickr.com/photos/terpkristin https://twitter.com/terpkristin

01-23-2011, 01:03 PM	#24
Eaglesfan27 Hall Of Famer Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: New Jersey	Sorry for your loss, CR. Glad that you were able to enjoy those 6 weeks with her. __________________ Retired GM of the eNFL 2007 Super Bowl Champion Philadelphia Eagles (19-0 record.) GM of the WOOF 2006 Doggie Bowl Champion Atlantic City Gamblers. GM of the IHOF 2019 and 2022 IHOF Bowl Champion Asheville Axemen.

01-23-2011, 01:04 PM	#25
MrBug708 Head Coach Join Date: Apr 2001 Location: Whittier	Sorry for your loss Matt

01-23-2011, 01:15 PM	#26
MizzouRah Hall Of Famer Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: Troy, Mo	My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family CR. Like terpkristin said, it was great reading you were able to spend 6 weeks with your mom before she passed and I will be thinking of her and you for a long time to come.

01-23-2011, 01:33 PM	#27
samifan24 Pro Starter Join Date: Apr 2001 Location: NC	So sorry for your loss, CR. Your family are in our prayers. __________________ "You spend a good piece of your life gripping a baseball...and in the end it turns out that it was the other way around all the time." -Jim Bouton

01-23-2011, 01:35 PM	#28
Senator FOFC's Elected Representative Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: The stars at night; are big and bright	Chief, I never saw the original post, as it was during the real tornado of my grief. I am very sorry to hear this. I know exactly how you are feeling, but that will not really make you feel any better. My circumstances were similar, the diagnoses came out of nowhere, he was 65 and had retired just three months before, ready to enjoy life, really for the first time. He was also doing well with the leukemia and other things started to get him due to his immune system being zapped from chemo. Pneumonia eventually got the last attack and he had nothing left to fight with. The main thing that took me by surprise, was, intellectually, I was prepared for it. I had mentally positioned myself to handle everything that was most likely coming. I was there almost every day the last 4 months, and while those days were precious, those were days I would not wish on anyone. I had to see my proud and noble dad deteriorate in every conceivable way. What I was not prepared for was how emotionally painful it has been, and how my emotions are on a roller coaster. It has now been 4 months, and I still expect him to call and ask about his grandson. Maybe this goes away, but the only advice I guess I can share is to let yourself go up and down that roller coaster, because they tell me that is normal and healthy in the end. For now, my heartfelt condolences. __________________ "i have seen chris simms play 4-5 times in the pros and he's very clearly got it. he won't make a pro bowl this year, but it'll come. if you don't like me saying that, so be it, but its true. we'll just have to wait until then" imettrentgreen "looking at only ten games, and oddly using a median only, leaves me unmoved generally" - Quiksand

01-23-2011, 01:47 PM	#29
MIJB#19 Coordinator Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: Maassluis, Zuid-Holland, Netherlands	My condolences, Matt. __________________ * 2005 Golden Scribe winner for best FOF Dynasty about IHOF's Maassluis Merchantmen * Former GM of GEFL's Houston Oilers and WOOF's Curacao Cocktail

01-23-2011, 01:53 PM	#30
MacroGuru Coordinator Join Date: May 2003 Location: Utah	Chief, Saw your FB post and immediately thought of this thread and had to say my condolences... __________________ "forgetting what is in the past, I strive for the future"

01-23-2011, 01:54 PM	#31
Bad-example College Starter Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: san jose CA	Very sorry for your loss.

01-23-2011, 03:36 PM	#32
stevew Hall Of Famer Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: the yo'	Sorry to hear Matt.

01-23-2011, 03:46 PM	#33
CleBrownsfan Pro Rookie Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: C-Town	My thoughts are with you and your family CR.... __________________ *XBox Gamertag:* Pronk32 FOOL-X - Cleveland Naps FOOL - Cleveland Cyclones SLOP - Cuyahoga Spiders

01-23-2011, 04:15 PM	#34
Sun Tzu Pro Starter Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: In the thick of it.	Very sorry to hear Matt, but happy that you had those six weeks (and a lifetime, come to think of it) to enjoy her love and laughter. __________________ I'm still here. Don't touch my fucking bacon.

01-23-2011, 04:29 PM	#35
Suburban Rhythm Pro Starter Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: Pittsburgh	Thoughts and prayers CR __________________ "Do you guys play fast tempos with odd time signatures?" "Yeah" "Cool!!"

01-23-2011, 06:13 PM	#36
Radii Head Coach Join Date: Jul 2001	Sorry to hear about this CR, stay strong.

01-23-2011, 06:15 PM	#37
Izulde Head Coach Join Date: Sep 2004	Sorry for your loss, CR. __________________ 2006 Golden Scribe Nominee 2006 Golden Scribe Winner Best Non-Sport Dynasty: May Our Reign Be Green and Golden (CK Dynasty) Rookie Writer of the Year Dynasty of the Year: May Our Reign Be Green and Golden (CK Dynasty)

01-23-2011, 06:17 PM	#38
Dr. Sak Grizzled Veteran Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: Stuck in Yinzerville, PA	So sorry for your loss Matt.