How are you folks able to live far away from where you work?

Abe Sargent · 12-10-2009, 01:17 PM

Okay, I thought about whether or not to tell the following story. It's rather disgusting, but I'm going to tell it anyway, cause's it's funny, and I also need some help with it. Be warned, not for the weak.

Okay

Today I got back from lunch and everything was working properly with my bowels. While checking messages on my work phone in my office, here in a residence hall, I let out what I thought was a minor normal everyday fart. it was not. It was, instead, the first warning sign of a strong case of diarrhea. I basically shit a bit in my underwear. Calmly, I walk up and head to my apartment, a few minutes away. I take off my khakis and see that it went through them, and I clean up, take a shit, and shower quickly, then put on a new pair of underwear and pants that were also khaki.

Alright, so I came back to my office 20 minutes later cool and calm and collected That's the first time that's happened to me in probably ten years, but okay. Uh-oh. Some of the liquid shit was in a butt-crack shaped line going down the center of my work chair.

So I grabbed a tablecloth in my office folded plastic side out and I am sitting on that. On top of that is me and I took off my jacket around me so that you can;t see the tablecloth at all. However, at the end of the day, how do I clean this up? Anybody know how to clean up shit from an office chair? What product would work on that?

Oh, and what do you do when this happens to you at work normally? Immediately head for the car, drive away, and call off sick from the car? Boy am I glad that I live less than a 3 minute walk from my office.

RomaGoth · 12-10-2009, 01:19 PM

Only on the interwebs.......

Dr. Sak · 12-10-2009, 01:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Abe Sargent

I let out what I thought was a minor normal everyday fart. it was not. It was, instead, the first warning sign of a strong case of diarrhea. I basically shit a bit in my underwear. Calmly, I walk up and head to my apartment, a few minutes away. I take off my khakis and see that it went through them, and I clean up, take a shit, and shower quickly, then put on a new pair of underwear and pants that were also khaki

The term for that is SHART

Lathum · 12-10-2009, 01:22 PM

Mustang · 12-10-2009, 01:24 PM

Since you shit your pants every ten years, you should be safe until 2019 at least.

cuervo72 · 12-10-2009, 01:24 PM

The discarded thread ideas thread - Front Office Football Central

Mizzou B-ball fan · 12-10-2009, 01:49 PM

Am I the only one thinking Abe should have already swapped office chairs with someone else and let them deal with it?

Abe Sargent · 12-10-2009, 01:52 PM

Today's my birthday too. that's a birthday present I'll not forget..

DanGarion · 12-10-2009, 03:04 PM

SHIT!

Abe Sargent · 12-10-2009, 03:05 PM

Seriously though, teh cleaning. I don't think Febreeze is gonna do it this time, so what do we have for suggestions? I don;t remember a commercial ever saying - "Gets shit out of your office chair."

Dr. Sak · 12-10-2009, 03:08 PM

Pet stain remover. One Shart...i mean Shot

RomaGoth · 12-10-2009, 03:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mizzou B-ball fan

Am I the only one thinking Abe should have already swapped office chairs with someone else and let them deal with it?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Abe Sargent

Seriously though, teh cleaning. I don't think Febreeze is gonna do it this time, so what do we have for suggestions? I don;t remember a commercial ever saying - "Gets shit out of your office chair."

^ See above

Honolulu_Blue · 12-10-2009, 03:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cuervo72

The discarded thread ideas thread - Front Office Football Central

Between this and the "Tell Tiger to get his own place" post in Dr. Sak's thread, you, sir, are on a roll.

GoldenEagle · 12-10-2009, 03:21 PM

Why can't you just swap the chair out with another one?

Rizon · 12-10-2009, 03:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cuervo72

The discarded thread ideas thread - Front Office Football Central

path12 · 12-10-2009, 03:25 PM

Second the pet stain remover idea.

I just cannot comment on anything else in this story.

TCY Junkie · 12-10-2009, 03:26 PM

You might want to go to he pound and get a puppy and bring him into work. Say you saw him in the traffic outside of work, then the next day tell everyone he shit in your chair. If the girl at the pound says you have soft skin when you hand her the puppy back for shitting in your chair, walk away.

Passacaglia · 12-10-2009, 03:37 PM

Any kind of carpet cleaner (which Febreze is not) really. If the odor is a problem, then use pet stain remover.

Apathetic Lurker · 12-10-2009, 03:39 PM

I live two minutes away from where I work....the bad thing is I drive a bus so if I drop a load I am screwed.....

RomaGoth · 12-10-2009, 03:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Apathetic Lurker

I live two minutes away from where I work....the bad thing is I drive a bus so if I drop a load I am screwed.....

If you drop a load wouldn't you have an empty bus?

Passacaglia · 12-10-2009, 03:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Apathetic Lurker

I live two minutes away from where I work....the bad thing is I drive a bus so if I drop a load I am screwed.....

Are you trying to say you live in a bus?

Glengoyne · 12-10-2009, 03:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cuervo72

The discarded thread ideas thread - Front Office Football Central

+1

Thank You Cuervo. Damn that was funny.

chesapeake · 12-10-2009, 03:58 PM

Carpet cleaner is the right way to go. We have uses a product called Resolve to clean up after our 3 yo when she was learning how to do her business and it always did a great job with both the stains and the odor.

Happy Birthday, Abe!

Glengoyne · 12-10-2009, 03:59 PM

The suggestion that this was a shart, needs to be investigated further. Come on. He farted and got shit on his underwear...pants...and office chair. I don't think that a shart covers that kind of event. This may be something new.

How the hell does that happen? Did you crap your pants and then finish an email? I mean that can't happen instantly can it?

Oh and by all means...switch that chair. Does your boss have the same kind of chair? I ask because one of the managers that reports to me has pretty well put me on notice that when he does actually get another job he is going to take a leak in my chair. (He says it was a tradition he first saw while working at Lotus) I've already identified a number of executives with the same model chair as mine.

heybrad · 12-10-2009, 05:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Glengoyne

The suggestion that this was a shart, needs to be investigated further. Come on. He farted and got shit on his underwear...pants...and office chair. I don't think that a shart covers that kind of event. This may be something new.

This is what I kept thinking as I read his post. That had to be a much bigger crap than he is letting on.

Rizon · 12-10-2009, 06:51 PM

I have a black executive leather chair at work, and now I'm afraid to fart in it.

PurdueBrad · 12-10-2009, 06:55 PM

Damn, wish I had Abe in Secret Santa:

1 box, adult diapers
1 pair khaki pants
Pet carpet cleaner
A Potty for Me book with lift flaps
SmartScoop electric litter box for emergencies

Sorry Abe, couldn't resist.

saldana · 12-10-2009, 07:03 PM

seriously abe, this is the funniest thing i have heard in ages.

tucker rocky · 12-10-2009, 07:18 PM

Kaboom it baby!

Logan · 12-10-2009, 07:36 PM

Now I know that hxxp'ing links isn't your biggest issue.

Autumn · 12-10-2009, 07:42 PM

Yeah, seriously if it gets through two layers onto the chair, that's a bit weird. What sort of pants were you wearing? Are they mesh?

Abe Sargent · 12-10-2009, 08:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Autumn

Yeah, seriously if it gets through two layers onto the chair, that's a bit weird. What sort of pants were you wearing? Are they mesh?

No, but it was in a fully liquid state. Imagine how much soda you'd have to shit out of your ass before it got your chair wet. I'm imagining not much.

cartman · 12-10-2009, 08:25 PM

This is one of the best "downstairs" stories I've read, approaching "Bob the Anal Fissure" stage.

lungs · 12-10-2009, 09:52 PM

This has happened to me on more than a few occasions. I mean, being a farmer I can fart all I want at work. What's it going to do, stink the place up?

Anyway, most of the time when I shart a good one I duck walk down to the barn and do an initial wipe and then jump in my truck and head home to change my drawers.

That all said, I'm glad I've got a job where I can pretty well let all my bodily functions go with the flow. If I have to take a piss, I pull my pants down and take a piss wherever I happen to be. If I have to fart, I let it fly no matter whether there are people around or not. I'm surrounded by cows for fuck's sake, it's not like I'm going to stink the place up. Of course if it can be smelled over the odor of the cows, I know I've eaten or drank something pretty wicked.

lighthousekeeper · 12-10-2009, 10:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Abe Sargent

Imagine how much soda you'd have to shit out of your ass before it got your chair wet.

I'm imagining not much.

^
Isn't this the missing verse from John Lennon's Imagine?

DaddyTorgo · 12-10-2009, 10:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Glengoyne

The suggestion that this was a shart, needs to be investigated further. Come on. He farted and got shit on his underwear...pants...and office chair. I don't think that a shart covers that kind of event. This may be something new.

How the hell does that happen? Did you crap your pants and then finish an email? I mean that can't happen instantly can it?

Oh and by all means...switch that chair. Does your boss have the same kind of chair? I ask because one of the managers that reports to me has pretty well put me on notice that when he does actually get another job he is going to take a leak in my chair. (He says it was a tradition he first saw while working at Lotus) I've already identified a number of executives with the same model chair as mine.

never heard of that at Lotus...

Autumn · 12-10-2009, 10:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lighthousekeeper

^
Isn't this the missing verse from John Lennon's Imagine?

FTW

CamEdwards · 12-10-2009, 10:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lighthousekeeper

^
Isn't this the missing verse from John Lennon's Imagine?

well played sir.

flere-imsaho · 12-11-2009, 08:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Abe Sargent

Oh, and what do you do when this happens to you at work normally? Immediately head for the car, drive away, and call off sick from the car? Boy am I glad that I live less than a 3 minute walk from my office.

Spend quality time in the bathroom, pop some immodium immediately and head home if possible.

Quote:

Originally Posted by lungs

That all said, I'm glad I've got a job where I can pretty well let all my bodily functions go with the flow. If I have to take a piss, I pull my pants down and take a piss wherever I happen to be. If I have to fart, I let it fly no matter whether there are people around or not. I'm surrounded by cows for fuck's sake, it's not like I'm going to stink the place up. Of course if it can be smelled over the odor of the cows, I know I've eaten or drank something pretty wicked.

For a moment I was a bit jealous of your freedom, but then I realized I'm about 50 miles south of you and it's currently 9 degrees outside. So I'm OK in this room temperature office, thanks.

CamEdwards · 12-11-2009, 11:35 AM

So what happened, Abe? Are you sitting in the shit-stained chair today?

DaddyTorgo · 12-11-2009, 11:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CamEdwards

So what happened, Abe? Are you sitting in the shit-stained chair today?

Cam's radio audience is eagerly awaiting an update. You're going to be famous Abe!

Glengoyne · 12-11-2009, 12:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DaddyTorgo

never heard of that at Lotus...

This guy was at lotus in the early days in the 80s. The topic came up in discussion of executives we didn't like. He mentioned a guy by name, and then said "Damn I wish I had peed in his chair". After some laughter, he elaborated. After he resigned he told one of his peers of his plan, but the peer told him "No. That's a developer thing. Only the developers.

lungs · 12-11-2009, 01:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by flere-imsaho

For a moment I was a bit jealous of your freedom, but then I realized I'm about 50 miles south of you and it's currently 9 degrees outside. So I'm OK in this room temperature office, thanks.

-16 degrees out this morning here

It's not so bad since I know how to dress up and work in that kind of weather. Plus my full beard helps. The 10:00 AM until 1 PM nap doesn't hurt either since there isn't much to do after all the essentials were taken care of (ie unfreeze everything)

Passacaglia · 12-11-2009, 01:26 PM

Sometimes I drive, sometimes I use CTA. Every once in a while, I'll take the Metra -- pretty much only if I'm going to the Loop instead of home.

CamEdwards · 12-11-2009, 01:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DaddyTorgo

Cam's radio audience is eagerly awaiting an update. You're going to be famous Abe!

While DT will still be toiling (or is that toileting) in anonymity and obscurity. See, sometimes even skidmarks have silver linings!

Abe Sargent · 12-11-2009, 01:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CamEdwards

So what happened, Abe? Are you sitting in the shit-stained chair today?

Nope, I'm off today, but I procured it for my apartment and I get cleaner this afternoon

flere-imsaho · 12-11-2009, 02:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CamEdwards

While DT will still be toiling (or is that toileting) in anonymity and obscurity. See, sometimes even skidmarks have silver linings!

So clue us in here Cam, how many FOFCers or FOFCers' stories have been fodder for your show?

Be honest, every time you use a phrase like "So, some idiot liberal said..." you're really thinking of me, right?

CamEdwards · 12-11-2009, 03:32 PM

LOL. Actually I'd say FOFC doesn't factor into the radio show much, but Jim Geraghty from NRO is well aware of "the guys from the football message board". I don't really want to get into who gets mentioned and who doesn't, but I typically bring up the posts that make me think, not the average trollpost from the Obama presidency thread.

12-10-2009, 01:24 PM	#5
Mustang Grizzled Veteran Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: Wisconsin	Since you shit your pants every ten years, you should be safe until 2019 at least. __________________ You, you will regret what you have done this day. I will make you regret ever being born. Your going to wish you never left your mothers womb, where it was warm and safe... and wet. i am going to show you pain you never knew existed, you are going to see a whole new spectrum of pain, like a Rainboooow. But! This rainbow is not just like any other rainbow, its...

12-10-2009, 01:24 PM	#6
cuervo72 Head Coach Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Maryland	The discarded thread ideas thread - Front Office Football Central __________________ null

12-10-2009, 01:52 PM	#8
Abe Sargent Hall Of Famer Join Date: Dec 2001 Location: Catonsville, MD	Today's my birthday too. that's a birthday present I'll not forget.. __________________ Check out my two current weekly Magic columns! https://www.coolstuffinc.com/a/?action=search&page=1&author[]=Abe%20Sargent

12-10-2009, 03:04 PM	#9
DanGarion Coordinator Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: The Great Northwest	SHIT! __________________ Los Angeles Dodgers Check out the FOFC Groups on Facebook! and Reddit! DON'T REPORT ME BRO!

12-10-2009, 03:05 PM	#10
Abe Sargent Hall Of Famer Join Date: Dec 2001 Location: Catonsville, MD	Seriously though, teh cleaning. I don't think Febreeze is gonna do it this time, so what do we have for suggestions? I don;t remember a commercial ever saying - "Gets shit out of your office chair." __________________ Check out my two current weekly Magic columns! https://www.coolstuffinc.com/a/?action=search&page=1&author[]=Abe%20Sargent

12-10-2009, 01:19 PM	#2
RomaGoth Favored Bitch #2 Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Here	Only on the interwebs.......

12-10-2009, 01:22 PM	#4
Lathum Favored Bitch #1 Join Date: Dec 2001 Location: homeless in NJ

12-10-2009, 01:49 PM	#7
Mizzou B-ball fan General Manager Join Date: Aug 2001 Location: Kansas City, MO	Am I the only one thinking Abe should have already swapped office chairs with someone else and let them deal with it?

12-10-2009, 03:08 PM	#11
Dr. Sak Grizzled Veteran Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: Stuck in Yinzerville, PA	Pet stain remover. One Shart...i mean Shot

12-10-2009, 03:21 PM	#14
GoldenEagle Grizzled Veteran Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Little Rock, AR	Why can't you just swap the chair out with another one? __________________ Xbox 360 Gamer Tag: GoldenEagle014

12-10-2009, 03:25 PM	#16
path12 Coordinator Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Seattle, WA	Second the pet stain remover idea. I just cannot comment on anything else in this story. __________________ We have always been at war with Eastasia.

12-10-2009, 03:26 PM	#17
TCY Junkie College Prospect Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: TX	You might want to go to he pound and get a puppy and bring him into work. Say you saw him in the traffic outside of work, then the next day tell everyone he shit in your chair. If the girl at the pound says you have soft skin when you hand her the puppy back for shitting in your chair, walk away. __________________ I try to open things I probably have no chance of opening.

12-10-2009, 03:37 PM	#18
Passacaglia Coordinator Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: Big Ten Country	Any kind of carpet cleaner (which Febreze is not) really. If the odor is a problem, then use pet stain remover.

12-10-2009, 03:39 PM	#19
Apathetic Lurker College Prospect Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Buffalo,NY	I live two minutes away from where I work....the bad thing is I drive a bus so if I drop a load I am screwed.....

12-10-2009, 03:58 PM	#23
chesapeake College Starter Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Arlington, VA	Carpet cleaner is the right way to go. We have uses a product called Resolve to clean up after our 3 yo when she was learning how to do her business and it always did a great job with both the stains and the odor. Happy Birthday, Abe!

12-10-2009, 03:59 PM	#24
Glengoyne Grizzled Veteran Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: Fresno, CA	The suggestion that this was a shart, needs to be investigated further. Come on. He farted and got shit on his underwear...pants...and office chair. I don't think that a shart covers that kind of event. This may be something new. How the hell does that happen? Did you crap your pants and then finish an email? I mean that can't happen instantly can it? Oh and by all means...switch that chair. Does your boss have the same kind of chair? I ask because one of the managers that reports to me has pretty well put me on notice that when he does actually get another job he is going to take a leak in my chair. (He says it was a tradition he first saw while working at Lotus) I've already identified a number of executives with the same model chair as mine.

12-10-2009, 06:55 PM	#27
PurdueBrad Grizzled Veteran Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: DeKalb, IL	Damn, wish I had Abe in Secret Santa: 1 box, adult diapers 1 pair khaki pants Pet carpet cleaner A Potty for Me book with lift flaps SmartScoop electric litter box for emergencies Sorry Abe, couldn't resist.

12-10-2009, 07:03 PM	#28
saldana Pro Starter Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Bethlehem, Pa	seriously abe, this is the funniest thing i have heard in ages.

12-10-2009, 07:18 PM	#29
tucker rocky Pro Rookie Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Of no particular interest	Kaboom it baby!

12-10-2009, 07:36 PM	#30
Logan Head Coach Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: NYC	Now I know that hxxp'ing links isn't your biggest issue.

12-10-2009, 07:42 PM	#31
Autumn Head Coach Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Bath, ME	Yeah, seriously if it gets through two layers onto the chair, that's a bit weird. What sort of pants were you wearing? Are they mesh?

12-10-2009, 08:25 PM	#33
cartman Death Herald Join Date: Nov 2000 Location: Le stelle la notte sono grandi e luminose nel cuore profondo del Texas	This is one of the best "downstairs" stories I've read, approaching "Bob the Anal Fissure" stage. __________________ Thinkin' of a master plan 'Cuz ain't nuthin' but sweat inside my hand So I dig into my pocket, all my money is spent So I dig deeper but still comin' up with lint

12-10-2009, 09:52 PM	#34
lungs Pro Rookie Join Date: May 2002 Location: Prairie du Sac, WI	This has happened to me on more than a few occasions. I mean, being a farmer I can fart all I want at work. What's it going to do, stink the place up? Anyway, most of the time when I shart a good one I duck walk down to the barn and do an initial wipe and then jump in my truck and head home to change my drawers. That all said, I'm glad I've got a job where I can pretty well let all my bodily functions go with the flow. If I have to take a piss, I pull my pants down and take a piss wherever I happen to be. If I have to fart, I let it fly no matter whether there are people around or not. I'm surrounded by cows for fuck's sake, it's not like I'm going to stink the place up. Of course if it can be smelled over the odor of the cows, I know I've eaten or drank something pretty wicked.

12-11-2009, 11:35 AM	#40
CamEdwards Stadium Announcer Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: Burke, VA	So what happened, Abe? Are you sitting in the shit-stained chair today? __________________ I don't want the world. I just want your half.

12-11-2009, 01:26 PM	#44
Passacaglia Coordinator Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: Big Ten Country	Sometimes I drive, sometimes I use CTA. Every once in a while, I'll take the Metra -- pretty much only if I'm going to the Loop instead of home.

12-11-2009, 03:32 PM	#48
CamEdwards Stadium Announcer Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: Burke, VA	LOL. Actually I'd say FOFC doesn't factor into the radio show much, but Jim Geraghty from NRO is well aware of "the guys from the football message board". I don't really want to get into who gets mentioned and who doesn't, but I typically bring up the posts that make me think, not the average trollpost from the Obama presidency thread. __________________ I don't want the world. I just want your half.

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