Apparent zombie uprising in New Orleans

[Pumpy Tudors]

Chewed and swallowed? You know, I get homesick occasionally, and then something like this happens... I'm not so homesick anymore!


Breaking News from New Orleans - Times-Picayune - NOLA.com

A Metairie resident is recovering after a stranger bit a chunk of flesh out of his arm, and swallowed it, Saturday afternoon.
Joseph Lancellotti, 67, told authorities he did not know the suspect, later identified as Mario Vargas, 48, or why he was attacked in his front yard.
Lancellotti was gardening at his home in the 4400 block of Kawanee Avenue about 2 p.m. when he noticed a man walking toward his house, shouting angrily, the report said. Lancellotti said he couldn't understand the man because he was yelling in Spanish. But when the man got within two feet, he slugged Lancellotti in the head, the report said.
Lancellotti said he tried to defend himself with a garden rake. As the men struggled over the rake, the stranger bent over and bit Lancellotti on his right forearm, the report said. Lancellotti's flesh ripped away as he fell to the ground. The man then got on top of Lancellotti and began choking him, the report said.
It was then that neighbor Chantal Lorio, a podiatrist and director of the Wound Center at East Jefferson General Hospital, came out to check on Lancellotti. Lorio said Monday that she first thought Lancellotti was having a heart attack and the other man was trying to help him.
The stranger was still gripping Lancellotti as Lorio noticed her neighbor was lying in a pool of blood. She didn't learn what happened until she began dressing the wound -- with the stranger still clutching her neighbor's shirt.
"He said, 'He bit my arm, chewed the flesh and swallowed it in front of me,' " Lorio recalled. She said the bite measured almost 3 by 1 1/2 inches, and was less than 1/4-inch deep.
The pair tried to calm the stranger, who never made any attempt to run away. He eventually let go of Lancellotti and walked two blocks to a parking lot, where he hovered near an empty police car, the report said. The suspect was still standing there when deputies arrived and took him into custody.
Vargas, of 724 Camp St., New Orleans, was booked with second-degree battery. He was being held Monday at the Jefferson Parish Correctional Center in Gretna in lieu of $25,000 bail.
Lancellotti's wife, Bonnie, 60, said Monday that her husband was recovering from the bite, physically and mentally. She said his sense of safety in his neighborhood has been shaken.
With all the bacteria involved, Lorio said a bite from a human is worse than an animal bite.
Bonnie Lancellotti also has concerns about the suspect, who apparently had been treated at East Jefferson General Hospital earlier in the day for a finger injury. Vargas was released 45 minutes before the attack, according to the incident report.
Bonnie Lancellotti wondered whether hospital staff noticed anything amiss while treating Vargas. "This person's clearly lost his sense," she said. "I mean, what else can you say, eating people's skin?"
Keith Darcey, spokesman for the hospital, said, "We cannot comment on any individual patient because of privacy laws. But as a matter of general hospital policy, the emergency department has behavioral health nurses available to help diagnose patients who might require mental health assistance."

[DeToxRox]

Pumpy, sit tight, I'm coming.

[Dr. Sak]

Maybe it was a vampire...

[Pumpy Tudors]

Originally Posted by DeToxRox

Pumpy, sit tight, I'm coming.

Funny, I had a male professor in college who used to say that.

[DeToxRox]

I'm bringing some WHITE POWAH!

[Pumpy Tudors]

maybe i can just die

[Swaggs]

Originally Posted by Dr. Sak

Maybe it was a vampire...

Come on, dude. At 2:00 PM?

[Dr. Sak]

Sunblock

[DeToxRox]

Originally Posted by Swaggs

Come on, dude. At 2:00 PM?

Yeah, seriously. Sak, I love you, but that was fucking retarded.

[Pumpy Tudors]

What's the matter, Sak? You don't believe in zombies or something? They're right there in New Orleans. I had suspected it for years, but there was never any proof. Well, now it's obvious!

[DeToxRox]

Originally Posted by Dr. Sak

Sunblock

LULZ Have fun being the first to die in a Zombie attack. n00b.

[Ksyrup]

Lancellotti was gardening at his home in the 4400 block of Kawanee Avenue about 2 p.m. when he noticed a man walking toward his house, shouting angrily, the report said. Lancellotti said he couldn't understand the man because he was yelling in Spanish.

OK, I can see that. Shit happens. He couldn't understand him, but he could tell he was angry.

But when the man got within two feet...

Wait...what? The rest of this story need not ever have happened. Why would you stick around to find out what an angry, yelling man - apparently walking toward you - would do when he got that close? Dude wasn't even speaking English, so it's not like he was going to talk to him.

Some people are idiots.

[Dr. Sak]

I HATE YOU ALL...

HEY SWAGGS....13-9 FUCKER!

[Mustang]

This is all a plot to get us to join the Crescent City Classic

[Honolulu_Blue]

Originally Posted by DeToxRox

LULZ Have fun being the first to die in a Zombie attack. n00b.

No shit. Dr. Sak's role in the zombie apocalypse = bait.

We'll just put some garlic around his neck, give him a wooden stake and send him out there to fight "the vampires".

Poor dumb bastard.

[Noop]

Originally Posted by DeToxRox

I'm bringing some WHITE POWAH!

What is the story to this?

[Swaggs]

Originally Posted by Dr. Sak

I HATE YOU ALL...

HEY SWAGGS....13-9 FUCKER!

At least we scored against the mighty Panthers last time we played, unlike the 12-0 Nits.

[Dr. Sak]

Originally Posted by Swaggs

At least we scored against the mighty Panthers last time we played, unlike the 12-0 Nits.

Yeah but it didn't ruin our National Title hopes...plus at least we lost to Walt...not the Stache!

[DeToxRox]

Originally Posted by Noop

What is the story to this?

It's Pumpy's favorite athlete ever, and a man he wishes to go to Vermont with.

[Honolulu_Blue]

Originally Posted by Noop

What is the story to this?

It's probably the best gift the internets have provided me in the last month or so. It's suprisingly versatile and brings much joy.

Thanks, DeTox!

[Antmeister]

Originally Posted by Ksyrup

Wait...what? The rest of this story need not ever have happened. Why would you stick around to find out what an angry, yelling man - apparently walking toward you - would do when he got that close? Dude wasn't even speaking English, so it's not like he was going to talk to him.

Some people are idiots.

That is why horror movies exist. Watch any horror movie and you have to act like that for any plot to take place.

Why do people stay in a house when some apparition is throwing crap around you and whisper sweet death nothings in your ear?

Why do people press their face on a closed door when a knife-wielding or chainsaw-carrying or crowbar-toting psycho is on the other side of that weak door?

Why do people insist on running in the middle of a road if a car is coming after them when there is plenty of forest or ditches or rugged terrain to the sides of them?

And why do people assume that if they see or hear something unnatural in the middle of the night that it must be investigated and can't wait until the morning?


Now for this story to get good, we will have to wait for Joseph Lancellotti to show similar symptoms and a team of psychiatrists are rolled into to town to medicate them led by Eaglesfan27. Eaglesfan27 would be the lone guy noticing that something is wrong while the rest of his practice ignore the ridiculously obvious signs. Lancelloti, who was supposed to see Eaglesfan27 for his next round of medications, disappears and soon half of his neighborhood is gone. Eaglesfan27, who knows that this zombie threat has spread enlists the help of a self-proclaimed bounty hunter, Pumpy Tudors, who provides some zany one-liners and comedic relief that is much needed for this dark zombie apocalypse. Oh and we all know how it ends up from there.....

[DeToxRox]

Originally Posted by Antmeister

That is why horror movies exist. Watch any horror movie and you have to act like that for any plot to take place.

Why do people stay in a house when some apparition is throwing crap around you and whisper sweet death nothings in your ear?

Why do people press their face on a closed door when a knife-wielding or chainsaw-carrying or crowbar-toting psycho is on the other side of that weak door?

Why do people insist on running in the middle of a road if a car is coming after them when there is plenty of forest or ditches or rugged terrain to the sides of them?

And why do people assume that if they see or hear something unnatural in the middle of the night that it must be investigated and can't wait until the morning?


Now for this story to get good, we will have to wait for Joseph Lancellotti to show similar symptoms and a team of psychiatrists are rolled into to town to medicate them led by Eaglesfan27. Eaglesfan27 would be the lone guy noticing that something is wrong while the rest of his practice ignore the ridiculously obvious signs. Lancelloti, who was supposed to see Eaglesfan27 for his next round of medications, disappears and soon half of his neighborhood is gone. Eaglesfan27, who knows that this zombie threat has spread enlists the help of a self-proclaimed bounty hunter, Pumpy Tudors, who provides some zany one-liners and comedic relief that is much needed for this dark zombie apocalypse. Oh and we all know how it ends up from there.....

Pumpy as comedy relief PLUS being the black guy? I am not sure he'd make it past the opening credits.

[Travis]

Better question is how many appearances the eventual zombie Pumpy would make before finally being put down.

Or, dare I say it, would zombie Pumpy get the win?

[cartman]

Originally Posted by Travis

Better question is how many appearances the eventual zombie Pumpy would make before finally being put down.

Or, dare I say it, would zombie Pumpy get the win?

If there ever became a zombie Pumpy, I don't think even Ash could get us out of that predicament.

[Tigercat]

Damn, I was hungry, get off my back.

[Pumpy Tudors]

¡Tiene hambre! ¡Tiene hambre! Nooooooo...

[JediKooter]

Does the zombie Pumpy have stairs?

[Swaggs]

Originally Posted by DeToxRox

Pumpy as comedy relief PLUS being the black guy? I am not sure he'd make it past the opening credits.

I think the film opens up with a drunk, mardi-gras celebrating (could be a Penn State Sugar Bowl win instead?) Dr. Sak discovering the zombie eating the 67-year old guy in broad daylight and then turning to ask his friends if they think it is a vampire. Then the zombie jumps up, we get a good shot of its bloody mouth, and then the opening credits come up and we are left to wonder whether or not Sak survives (until he is later seen in a group of zombies towards the end of the movie).

[Antmeister]

Originally Posted by DeToxRox

Pumpy as comedy relief PLUS being the black guy? I am not sure he'd make it past the opening credits.

Depends on the director. If Uwe Boll directs it, it will end up being a Left 4 Dead movie and Pumpy would most likely play Louis, but somehow he would get an additional role of being a bounty hunter due to changes in the script. Because we all know Uwe Boll knows how to make a great video game movie.

[Eaglesfan27]

This thread is gold. Glad I didn't post the story earlier as Pumpy's title is much better than what I was planning.

[Pumpy Tudors]

To add to this, I emailed the story to my boss, and he forwarded it to a good friend of his. His friend is sort of obsessed with zombies, and when he (the friend) saw the story, he replied to us with this:

This case is particularly critical because we don’t know if it was caused a by a bizarre water-born virus carried in (and hidden since) Katrina… or whether this zombie was an alleged illegal immigrant who carried the virus from his homeland.

Very likely poor Jesus “Chuy” Ontiveros Martinez was witness to a horrific gangland murder in Ciudad Juarez. In order to escape the drug lords and corrupt cops he swam the Rio Grande and crossed into Texas. Unfortunately something bit his ankle while he was swimming but he was too scared to worry about one more bleeding wound. So he made his way across Texas and Lake Pontchartrain (a hotbed of Zombies, just like the Everglades in Florida) to New Orleans and hid with his cousin’s half-sister’s mother-in-law Adriana Susanna Ramirez Nevarez.

He was probably out looking for work Saturday when he died and was reanimated (his name was Jesus, after all) and then he found this unsuspecting Joseph Lancellotti (fantastic name, by the way). Mr. Lancellotti obviously couldn’t distinguish the sound of an undead groan of craving for living flesh from border Spanish so he must have assumed that the Hispanic man was angry that Mr. Lancellotti was doing his own yard work rather than outsourcing it to local immigrants. Obviously the bite incident further confused the situation.

Luckily for Mr. Lancellotti Jesus was only recently turned so he was still weak and his stomach was full from eating five of Adriana Susanna Ramirez Nevarez’s juevo and chorizo breakfast burritos that morning prior to his leaving the house and then dying in the French Quarter. Mr. Lancellotti also had a rake (similar to the lance normally carried by people of the Lancelot / Lancellotti line) with which to defend himself.

Interestingly Jesus was drawn away to pursue police officers resulting in his purported incarceration and psychiatric evaluation. This is a good thing since he obviously could have gone after the helpful-natured neighbor. We narrowly missed the (inevitable) zombie apocalypse. One nearly became three. Three would have been nine within 20 minutes. Nine would have been eighty one or more within the hour… and people thought Katrina was bad. We can hope that FEMA, the CDC and other appropriate government agencies have performed their role correctly by properly disposing of the revenant Jesus.

However, we should keep an eye out for stories related to Mr. Lancellotti’s eventual death and reanimation – assuming he hasn’t already been properly “tended to” by same said government agencies. His wife is in grave danger.

It’s important that we keep track of these types of stories. Unlike the happy(?) result of this story, someday they won’t be able to contain the problem and we’ll wake up one normal-seeming morning to find our neighbors eating our neighbors – the gas tank will be on empty, and we won’t have enough 2x4’s to seal the doors and windows.

We’re going to Home Depot this weekend…

Neither one of them has been to New Orleans before, but I think this guy nailed it perfectly.

[terpkristin]

Is it bad that I clicked on this link to make sure that the article referenced DIDN'T mention my brother?

/tk

[Danny]

Originally Posted by Noop

What is the story to this?

I don't know the story, but I'd like for reposting this pic to be a bannable offense in the future.

[Pumpy Tudors]

Let's just pretend that that picture doesn't exist, OK?

[Lorena]

Originally Posted by Pumpy Tudors

¡Tiene hambre! ¡Tiene hambre! Nooooooo...

.

[M GO BLUE!!!]

Thus, it has begun as our forefathers had prophesied...

[DeToxRox]

Originally Posted by Pumpy Tudors

Let's just pretend that that picture doesn't exist, OK?

YOU HATE WHITE PEOPLE AND THAT IS IGNORANT WHAT THE FUCK

[Pumpy Tudors]

Originally Posted by DeToxRox

YOU HATE WHITE PEOPLE AND THAT IS IGNORANT WHAT THE FUCK

YOU ARE IGNORANT FOR THINKING I WANT TO SEE THAT WHITE

[MikeVic]

Lotsa ignorants in this thread.

[DeToxRox]

Originally Posted by Pumpy Tudors

YOU ARE IGNORANT FOR THINKING I WANT TO SEE THAT WHITE

WISH YOU FELT THAT WAY ABOUT MY GIRLFRIEND

[Mizzou B-ball fan]

I blame that voodoo queen. I should have never drawn those X's on her grave.

[Pumpy Tudors]

Originally Posted by DeToxRox

WISH YOU FELT THAT WAY ABOUT MY GIRLFRIEND

Did you know that she calls me Shaft?

[M GO BLUE!!!]

Originally Posted by Pumpy Tudors

Did you know that she calls me Shaft?

Sadly, that's what DeTox calls "her."

[cartman]

Originally Posted by Pumpy Tudors

Did you know that she calls me Shaft?

He's a complicated man, and no one understands him but DeToxRox's woman.

[Sun Tzu]

I need some tissues.

[Crim]

Originally Posted by DeToxRox

Pumpy as comedy relief PLUS being the black guy? I am not sure he'd make it past the opening credits.

waitabanana... Pumpy is BLACK?!?

[Crim]

By the way, Lorena may have just won the thread.

[judicial clerk]

It could be a reverse vampire. There is nothing more dangerous than a reverse vampire about to charge your ass.

[DeToxRox]

Originally Posted by judicial clerk

It could be a reverse vampire. There is nothing more dangerous than a reverse vampire about to charge your ass.

Reverse Vampies? What are you, 12? We're talking about real shit here.

[M GO BLUE!!!]

Originally Posted by DeToxRox

Reverse Vampies? What are you, 12? We're talking about real shit here.

I thought reverse vampires made you suck their blood.