Should I Explore My Real Heritage?

[Lathum]

this is a serious question.

As some of you know I am adopted and know nothing about my past except my "mother" was a medical student.

Lately I have been wondering about my heritage and especialy my medical history. I know when I have children of my own I will want to know these things.

The answer may seem obvious to some but I am afraid of what I may find out. What if I have a brother or Sister out there? How would that affect my life? Also, what would my parents do if they found out, what would their reaction be?

I am happy and content in my life, I am not "looking for answers" it is more of a curiosity and a safety issue. I just am a little torn what to do.

[M GO BLUE!!!]

Go for it.

A friend of mine did and has been very happy with meeting her real mother and recently one of her two brothers that were also adopted out. They may not be what you would dream of... but at least you would know a bit more about you.

Of course when you find out that you married your sister...

[vex]

Lathum, I'm in the same situation.

[path12]

Ms. Path is adopted also. She decided to try and find out just a couple weeks ago for the exact same reason -- medical history and nationality.

[Lathum]

Originally Posted by M GO BLUE!!!

Of course when you find out that you married your sister...

Not cool...

I guess that's payback for my comment about your duaghter

[Lathum]

Originally Posted by vex

Lathum, I'm in the same situation.

any thoughts?

[M GO BLUE!!!]

Originally Posted by Lathum

Not cool...

I guess that's payback for my comment about your duaghter

Oh yeah... You talk about my daughter, it's on!

[vex]

Originally Posted by Lathum

any thoughts?

Not at all. I want to. But at the same time, like you said, I'm happy with everything. However, I honestly don't know if my parents would ever me doing it. If I did, I'm not sure if I would tell them or not.

[M GO BLUE!!!]

Originally Posted by vex

Not at all. I want to. But at the same time, like you said, I'm happy with everything. However, I honestly don't know if my parents would ever me doing it. If I did, I'm not sure if I would tell them or not.

I'd do it in case I ever needed any spare parts... Need a kidney? "Hi, bio-mom?"

Just kidding! But it would be nice to know a bit about family medical history...

[vex]

Originally Posted by M GO BLUE!!!

I'd do it in case I ever needed any spare parts... Need a kidney? "Hi, bio-mom?"

Just kidding! But it would be nice to know a bit about family medical history...

I agree. I think I would really just like info, with the later possibility of a meeting.

[Mo.Raider]

Lathum and Vex- As a parent of two children adopted from Korea I would personally support my children in anything they wanted to do. Of course I can't speak for you, only you know your situation, but I will not be offended in the least if my children are interested in their biological genealogy. It is a perfectly healthy and quite frankly interesting thing. It sounds like both of you have very healthy relationships with your parents and they might be more supportive of this than you realize if you explained your feelings to them just as you have here. They also might be a great help in the process. We have kept every scrap of information we can for our little miracles in the event that they want to know more.

M Go Blue: I know you don't mean anything by it but the terminology "real" mother is one of the most despised sayings in the adoption circles. Using real as opposed to biological tends to inadvertently demean the miracle of adoption by implying the adopting family is fake or an imitation. Not getting on your case, just pointing out a blunder that many make unknowingly.

[Swaggs]

I think I would want to know, but I would make sure that your emotional expectations are pretty minimal.

[cthomer5000]

Sounds like your mind is made up. I think this decision is a little big for a message board.

[Karlifornia]

In terms of safety, do you mean things like cancer history and such? That wouldn't be a bad thing to know about. If you're curious, then I think you should. That's just my non-expert opinion. I think you being older (read: not a teenager), and having a soon to be wife (or is it wife now?) makes the potential for negative feelings to surface much lower. I mean, you already have your life together, why not find out a little bit more about yourself if you're wondering about it? Good luck, dude.

EDIT: Oy....I left out two important words somewhere that undermined everything I was trying to convey....all fixed

[Brillig]

If you're interested, I don't see why not. But, one thing you might want to introspect about - you called it your "real" heritage. Might want to think about that, and the implication that you have a "fake" heritage.

[JonInMiddleGA]

Put me down for another "me too".

It's a question that I've wrestled with at least a couple of times in my life - once for my own purposes, a second time several years later when we found out there was a child on the way.

As for what you should do, my advice would be simple -- do whatever you feel like is the best thing for you to do. Hopefully you read that with the right inflection, what I'm trying to say is that I'd say it's a personal decision that you have to make after weighing all the pros & cons.

What I ended up doing matters not one whit for the purposes of your own decision AFAIC, but since it would seem kind of odd for me not to address that, the answer is that ultimately I never followed through on it. I've actually filled out the paperwork to attempt to access whatever records were available on two different occasions, filed them with the court once, thought about it several other times without going that far.

The time I actually filed the request, a judge issued the order for the records to be made available ... and through the magic of bureaucracy, it never arrived at the appropriate place. They literally lost the court order. It might sound silly to some people, but I took that as a sign that I didn't need to know whatever, at least not at that point in my life & I let the matter drop.

My wife & I talked a lot about it in the early stages of the pregnancy, but I never pulled the trigger on the paperwork. A lot of that was a personal decision, but a good bit of it also came down to the reality that whatever we discovered wouldn't change the risk to the child, nor would it change whatever might happen at some point, all it would do would be to create an additional layer of worry either for us or him or both.

[Thomkal]

I think its only natural for you to wonder about your heritage Lathum. Most if not all adoptees would I would guess. I think most adoptive parents expect their child to search for their natural parents at some point too. Just be sure to tell them that they are your real parents regardless of what you find and any dissatisfaction with them is not the reason you are searching for your biological parents.

Pretty hard to tell you what to expect if you find brothers, sisters et al. Every situation is different. If they know about you already, they may be searching for you as it is. If not, it will probably be very awkward at the start but many strong relationships develop out of these searches. The question perhaps to ask yourself is what type of relationship you want with any family you do find? Are you prepared to find out why you were adopted? It might not be a pleasant answer. You'll need to be clear with them at the start what exactly you want from them.

I'm sure there are "adoption counselors" and books out there that can help you think through the situation before making a decision. Good luck with the search if you go ahead with it.

[Castlerock]

I don't know your situation, but I would strongly consider telling your adoptive parents. I am an adoptive parent myself and I would hope that my son would tell me and we would support him. It is a normal feeling. Your adoptive parents are probably more supportive than you know.

In any case, talk to a psychologist who specializes in adoption. There are lots of them out there.

There is no way to know what you will find at the end of the road. You should be prepared for any outcome and be able to make it a positive. But an adoption specialist can help you prepare and decide much better than I.

[oliegirl]

Wow, I didn't realize there were so many adoptees on this board...add me to the list.

I've wrestled with this a couple times, the first time was in high school, after a lot of soul searching and doing some reading, etc...I realized that I wasn't prepared to deal with the outcome and was at peace with the decision until I got pregnant with my son. I very briefly considered it again, only for medical information, and came to the conclusion that with the technology out there today, they can pretty much test for anything and tell you if you are at risk, and as far as pregnancy and children, again, they can test for everything (and do), so the knowledge wouldn't really mean anything to me. I was already pregnant, and nothing would make me have an abortion, so there was really no point for me.

It's a very personal decision, and I can understand you looking for input here, but don't let our opinions make the decision for you, do what you need to do for you.

I will second Mo. Raider's comment about the "real" mom terminology...I definitely don't like that term...before I read your post I was under the impression that you weren't close with your family because of the use of "real". I always say birth mother/birth father.

Good luck with your decision!

[JonInMiddleGA]

Just to briefly add to Mo.Raider & oliegirl's observation, I personally tend to use "biological" instead of "birth", just personal choice. As for 'real", I'm usually not too disturbed by it when it's used as a quick shorthand form or basically whenever someone just drops it out there without too much thought. However I do start looking for a handy can of whoopass when I hear "real" used with an inflection that somehow implies that the people who raised me were anything less than "parents".

[oliegirl]

Originally Posted by JonInMiddleGA

Just to briefly add to Mo.Raider & oliegirl's observation, I personally tend to use "biological" instead of "birth", just personal choice. As for 'real", I'm usually not too disturbed by it when it's used as a quick shorthand form or basically whenever someone just drops it out there without too much thought. However I do start looking for a handy can of whoopass when I hear "real" used with an inflection that somehow implies that the people who raised me were anything less than "parents".

With me, if someone who isn't adopted says "real" with a questioning voice - like they aren't sure what to call them - I let it go and will just refer to them as birth parents and hope they pick up on it. But like you said, if someone says "real" with that tone, I correct them immediately and tell them my real parents are the people I have called mom and dad for the past 34 years and the only parents I will ever have.

[johnnyshaka]

I've been trying to write this post for about 2 hours now...finally think I got it down to something that isn't TOO long to read.

I think I've told this story before...so, I'll keep it as brief as possible and if you (any adoptee...or I guess anybody who's interested) want to know more...just ask...I'll be glad to share more details.

I'm an adoptee and I have a little brother, not blood related, who is also adopted. My adoptive parents (I'll drop the "adoptive" from here on in) were unable to have kids and that's why I am who I am today.

About 10 years ago, when I was 22 or 23, I received a phone call telling me that my birth mother was looking for me. Between my brother and I, he's always been the one who's been interested in his birth family...me, not so much. So, when this fell into my lap, I was a little overwhelmed because I honestly hadn't thought much about it.

Well, fast forward to the present, I've been living within 15 minutes of most of my birth family (both sides) for the last 8 years or so. My parents are still in Ottawa, so is my little brother, and I still call Ottawa home...that will never change. In fact, I'll be heading there in a couple of weeks to visit...can't wait.

My birth mother and I have a very unique relationship in that we're more like friends than we are mother and son...but we are the best of friends...now. I don't call her mom, but if I'm introducing her to somebody out here, out of convenience, I'll say, "This is my mom, so-and-so." I also have a half brother and half sister who I now consider my brother and sister and wouldn't have it any other way. All in all, her entire family has embraced me and made me feel like I've been a part of it from day one.

But, with good news, there always seems to be some bad. When we first starting corresponding I kept asking about my birth father. Well, she finally sent me newspaper clippings from their local paper about a tragic plane crash that took his life along with the life of one of his best friends. So, I never got to meet my birth father...which 10 years ago would never have bothered me but now I feel kind of cheated. I am very close to his parents and his siblings (two younger brothers and a younger sister) and I guess that will have to do.

What about my parents and brother through all of this? Well, at first, my folks were a little leary of everything because they weren't prepared for it. It would've been a different story had I initiated everything but when something like that is sprung on you, even though you know it could happen at some point, it's still a shock. But, we talked about everything as much as possible and I'd let my parents read the letters she sent me but when I told them I was moving out to Edmonton I think that shocked them. I know my mom was a little upset. Later on she told me that she knew the day would come, but it was still hard to deal with. Not to mention, I was moving across the country...that was hard enough to deal with let alone this new family stuff. My little brother was kind of pissed, too...but more in the way that we wouldn't be able to play golf or drink beer in the backyard with dad on the weekends...understandable because I was going to miss it, too.

Well, nobody, including myself, thought I'd still be out here at this point in my life. I thought I'd move back home after a year or two. But, met a girl, bought a house, got married, had a kid and I doubt very much that I'll be moving back home anytime soon...if ever. My parents have been out here several times and have met both of my birth families and everybody gets along swimingly. Unbelievable.

Honestly, you couldn't write it any better than the way it's worked out and I wouldn't change the way things have transpired at all. Of course, I'd still love to have the chance to meet my birth father...but, those are the breaks.

As for advice to those seeking their birth families...well, my advice ten years ago would've been to let it be. Now, even though I've obviously had a positive experience, I'd still heir on the side of caution because there are a lot of factors you need to consider as you are not the only one affected. Keep in mind that your birth parents gave you up for a reason...some of those reasons you might not like. They may not want to be found for one reason or another and upon hearing that they have a child looking for them could upset them and/or their lives. Your own family may not react well to the news that you are looking for your birth family. Make sure you are prepared for anything and everything because once you swallow that pill, there is no going back.

[hoopsguy]

Lathum, having just adopted recently this is a topic of conversation that I've had with people at our adoption agency. I'm guessing that this is a whole lot different for parents who adopted twenty years ago than it is for parents now adopting, with the movement towards open adoption. I've met my daughter's birthmother - it was part of the process we went through with the adoption. I've got medical records for her that I will be passing down, and plan to keep in touch with her over the next few years. Certainly the medical records is part of the process, but I also want my daughter to have the opportunity - if she is so inclined - to meet her mother and her half-sister. I'm guessing that this is pretty different from the circumstances that surrounded the adoptions of the people posting on the board here.

From what I understand, there are very natural questions around identity when you go through the adoption process. Even if you have great parents, it is different than what many of your friends experience in some fundamental way. There is an expectation that you will learn something about yourself by meeting your birth parents. So if this is something that you have been wrestling with, then I hope you are able to find what you are looking for with this search. I do hope that if you have a good relationship with your parents that you let them know where you are coming from prior to starting the process. It just seems like common courtesy, and would likely help prevent potential hurt feelings later in the process.

[Poli]

Good luck, Lathum.

[chesapeake]

FWIW, one of my older sister was adopted and was contacted by her birth family about 15 years ago. She continues to have a very warm relationship with both sides of her biological family. I think our mother had a bit of heartburn at first, but over time she realized their relationship hadn't changed, and she has since gone up to Alaska to meet them.

Should you choose to seek out your biological family, I'd just recommend that you talk to your folks first to reassure them that nothing has changed in your relationship.

[JonInMiddleGA]

Originally Posted by chesapeake

Should you choose to seek out your biological family, I'd just recommend that you talk to your folks first to reassure them that nothing has changed in your relationship.

I should have included that in my original post. Thought it, I guess, just didn't type it out. In my case, my parents were extremely supportive of the idea, to the extent that they actually helped me with the paperwork.

[saldana]

Originally Posted by chesapeake

Should you choose to seek out your biological family, I'd just recommend that you talk to your folks first to reassure them that nothing has changed in your relationship.

i was going to say this, but am a bit late to the party...your folks have done, and continue to do a lot for you..my biggest concern, especially with what is coming up in your near future, would be that ma and pa would see you reaching out for your birth mother as a sign that their presence in your life hasn't or isn't enough for you at this juncture. maybe if you waited until after november, then it wouldnt be able to convey that message..

you know i would be all for your looking up your birth mom, but only so far as it didnt have any impact on M&L.

[Richard Weed]

Do what you want to do. Personally, I've never sought out my birth parents; primarily because I'd have to fly out to Korea and secondarily because I have no interest (which really impacts the primary reason). That being said, I would always encourage someone to follow their brain, not their heart. If you follow your heart, it's bound to get broken.