Maple Leafs' Face The Board Answers

[Antmeister]

Yay! It has finally arrived. So let us take a peek through the window of his life...

General

Do you have any pets? Kids?

I have a cat named Guinness and six-month old daughter named Erica.

Here's Mrs. Leafs with Jr. Leafs.



The baby is on the right. The cat is not pictured. Come to think of it, I'm not sure I've seen the cat since the baby arrived. Damn, better check into that.

How has becoming a father changed your life?

Having a daughter has significantly diminished my appreciation for strip clubs and porn. I was at a bachelor party a few weeks ago, and let's just say I didn't enjoy myself at all. I think I went home and hugged my daughter for about 24 straight hours.

How did you meet your wife?

She picked me up during frosh week. She was looking for a plaything for the week, but I was too dumb to leave when she was done with me and eventually she let me stay.

How long does it actually take you to come up with those one-liners?

They come to me right away. They have to. If I try to think of funny things, it doesn't work. They're either there or they're not. And you're only seeing a fraction of them. At least half the time I get halfway through typing something and decide it's not funny, and I also end up deleting a lot of stuff that I think is funny but seems to be too mean or in poor taste.

For a followup question, how many of those one-liners do you steal from your wife?

None. My wife isn't very funny. Which is a blessing, because I find funny people incredibly annoying. I have a couple of friends who are funnier than me, and I can barely stand them. If I ever meet Subby in person I'll probably sucker punch him in the throat when he goes to shake hands.

Where did you go to college? You said somewhere that you have a background in journalism, is that what you went to school for?

I have a degree in journalism from Carleton University, in Ottawa.

What is your favorite home-cooked meal? Who cooks it?

I can make a really good chili, and a mean spaghetti sauce. Basically if it involves ground beef and a pot, I'm pretty good. But my wife makes a kick-ass nachos which is pretty much the perfect sports-watching food, especially when the guys are over.

What was your favorite FOFC Draft game?

My favorite subject was Comedy because that's what I'm most interested in. But nothing will ever top the Video Game Character draft, with people flipping out and reporting posts to SkyDog left and right. That was fantastic.

Is there one draft in one of those games you felt you really nailed it? (Public opinion be damned?)

I usually feel this way after every draft. I assume most people do, that's the beauty of it. And I don't think I've seen a draft yet where I thought the voters were even close to being right. The vote portion is actually a complete farce and more trouble than it's worth, but I don't think people would put the effort into drafting if they didn't think there was some kind of closure at the end.

What keeps you coming back to this board?

The knowledge that, even though there's probably something better out there, I would prefer to stay with something comfortable rather than actually try something new. The same thing that keeps my wife with me, actually.

Aside from poutine, one of the world's greatest inventions, are Americans missing out on other aspects of Canadian life?

The metric system. Adding the letter "u" into random words for no reason. Bums who say "please" and "thank you" when they beg for change. Mosquitos the size of housecats. Being able to run a twenty-yard pattern from your opponents one-yard line.

What's it like to work in software?

Well, I don't actually do code. I'm a marketing droid. But it's an interesting industry to be in. Ottawa is a strange town, half the people work for the federal government where things move at the pace of a glacier, and half work in high tech which is... um... somewhat more intense. Occasionally we interview people from the government, and it's always fun to hear them answer questions about high-pressure deadlines by saying things like "One time I had to write a report and I only had three months to do the whole thing".

What Canadian politician do you admire?

Jim Watson, Ontario's Minister of Health. Ten years ago I was working on the Carleton school paper's annual joke issue, and this was a few months after the Canadian Prime Minister had choked out a protestor at a rally. We thought it would be funny to stage a cover photo based on that but didn't think we could find any well-known politicians who'd play along. We called Watson, and he agreed immediately on the strict condition that he got to wear badass sunglasses like Chretien had. He spent the afternoon choking random people until we got the right shot.

You really are a funny guy, who are your idols?

I don't think I have an idol, at least in terms of comedy, but it's always been my main interest. When I was a kid there was a Sunday night comedy program on the radio that I would stay up and listen to. It was past my bedtime, so I had to hide the radio under my pillow and pretend to be asleep. Other kids were probably listening to college radio, I was trying to hear some new Carlin.

In no particular order, people who probably most influenced my sense of humor growing up included: David Letterman, George Carlin, Douglas Adams, Emo Phillips, Monty Python, Steven Wright, Bill Cosby, and Berkeley Breathed.

Do you bristle at all of the Canadian and hockey questions (as if that's all you are), or do embrace them?

I don't mind -- when you choose a screen name like this, people are going to think hockey and Canada. These questions are pretty much what I expected, with the exception that I was absolutely sure that Pumpy would ask for a picture of my wife. That's a Buster Douglas-type upset right there. I even had a few all ready to go, just for him. And now I'll never be able to post them because photobucket will delete them soon for violating their terms of service.

Do you honestly like Americans, or do you think we're generally poopy?

I like Americans. I went through my "look down on American" phase, like most Canadians do. But I outgrew it once I moved out of my college dorm and took some time to learn about what the rest of the world is like.

Are you horrifically fearful of anything?

I have a phobia of spiders. I don't mean that I don't like them, I mean I'm genuinely terrified of them. The little ones are OK, but if I see one of those big hairy ones, I'm done. I have to run and get my wife, and she has to kill it. And I mean kill it -- chasing it away or putting it outside is no good, because it will come back and hunt me down. I'm like Tommy Lee Jones in The Fugitive, the case isn't closed until I see a body.

I actually have cans of spider Raid stashed in strategic locations around the house and in my car because it's the only way I can deal with them when I'm alone. I'll empty a whole can on one of those little bastards. I'll probably grow a third arm some day from all the chemicals I've inhaled but it's the only option other than selling my house each time I see one.

One time I left my car in the garage overnight, and as I was pulling out of the driveway the next morning I looked over my shoulder and there was giant spider hanging the middle of a full web he had spun between the seat and the door. There have been Maury Pauvich paternity test recipients who reacted with more grace and composure than I did at that moment.

Do you golf? Can you beat Schmidty?

No, never. And yes, probably.

Is this really you? (Picture of that internet Peter Pan guy with a Leaf logo photoshopped onto his chest)

No, but let me tell you, as a Leaf fan living in another team's city, I can't get enough of that picture. Sometimes I literally go entire hours without somebody sending it to me. Between that and the picture of the skeleton in the Leafs jersey with a sign saying "Waiting for the Cup", the laughs never stop around here. Hey, did you know that "Tie Domi" is an anagram for "Me Idiot"? It's true!

You didn't ask me (Schmidty) questions, so why should I ask you any?

I was looking out for you. These things take forever to answer. JK Rowlings finishes a Harry Potter book in less time than this took me.

Are you physically active?

Other than playing hockey a few times a week, not really. But once my daughter starts crawling/walking/skating, whichever comes first, I'm sure I'll be on the move quite a bit.

Craziest thing you've ever seen.

I think I've told this story before, but here goes. Back in college there was a guy in my circle of friends who was a pathological liar. He was a nice enough guy, but he just could not hold a conversation without embellishing every details to the point where nobody paid any attention to him. So one day he shows up says "Guess what? I'm going to be on Oprah next week." And we all just sort of went "Oh, how nice for you, be sure to let us know how that works out" and went back to whatever we were doing.

Well, it turns out that he had seen an episode where Oprah had interviewed the head of ABC. She'd told a story about when she was first starting out and had written this guy a letter to ask for a break, and he'd given her one. Well, this friend of ours wanted to get into TV, and he was a shameless self-promoter, so he wrote a letter to the ABC guy along the lines of "I saw you on Oprah, how about giving me a break too?" And it had worked, sort of, because he landed a summer intern job at ABC. Now Oprah was doing a followup show on former guests, and this guy was claiming that the show wanted him to be there.

So the day comes, and there's about a dozen people sitting around in my living room watching Oprah to see what happens. We're pretty much split down the middle, with half thinking he's probably in the audience and might even get a few seconds on camera and half thinking the whole thing is a complete fabrication and he's sitting at home thinking up new lies. But we're watching because either way we expect to see a trainwreck.

So they come back from a commercial and Oprah starts in on her "you may remember my story about how I got my first break" and they do a little video recap. And then she starts talking about our liar friend, and how he had been inspired by her story and was following in her footsteps. And then the camera pulls back, and this guy is sitting next to Oprah. Not in the audience or as part of a panel, our scam artist friend is sitting there on the couch with Oprah. And she proceeds to interview him for like ten minutes while we all sit there in silence with our mouths open.

The epilogue to the story is that the guy actually lied about his employment history on the show, which lead to him being blacklisted from an entire industry.

Three things you would like to do before leaving your earthly bonds.

Dance with my daughter on her wedding day. Dance with my wife at our 50th anniversary. See the Leafs win a Cup. After that, I'm ready to go.

Three people (live, dead or fictional) you would like to sit down and have a drink/meal with.

Hannibal Lecter. Jack Bauer. And Kerry Fraser. We'll get the truth out of that bastard yet.

Do you work to live, or live to work?

Work to live, no question. I have a great job -- I really like the people, the work is generally challenging and not overly stressful, the pay is good, etc. But in the grand scheme of things, the work I'm doing is completely meaningless. If I'm going to cash a paycheck from you then I'm going to work hard because that's only right, but my real life is what happens outside of the cubicle.

Describe your dancing abilities, if you have any.

Embarrassingly bad. When I dance, I become so white that you can't look at me without on of those pinhole cameras you use to view a solar eclipse. When I refuse to dance, girls like to pull me onto the dance floor while saying things like "don't be a jerk, nobody cares how you dance, just have fun". Then they watch me for 15 seconds and say "yeah, my mistake, maybe you should just go back and sit at the table with all the purses".

Which celebrity do you look like?

I look the secret love child of John Cusack and Steve Mariucci, if whichever one of them carried the baby drank and smoked throughout the pregnancy.

How honest are you?

I believe in honesty for the big things, common sense for the little things. Giving somebody an answer that you know is going to be hurtful for no reason other than adhering to some self-imposed zero tolerance honesty policy is just selfish and dumb. I really believe that knowing when to lie about something that's ultimately unimportant is one of the keys to building strong relationships.

If you see a penny on the ground, do you pick it up?

No. And I actually look down on people that do. But if it's a nickel, I'll swerve across three lanes of traffic to get it.


This or that

Taco bell is a staple food....yes or no?

Never really got into Taco Bell. We don't have that many of them up here in Ottawa.

Blue or Keith's?

Keith's.

Dogs or cats?

We have a cat, will probably get a dog when my daughter is older.

Who funnier: Jim Carrey or Mike Myers?

I'll say Mike Myers, only because he hasn't quite hit that inevitable stage where he decides not to be funny anymore so that he can be taken seriously.

Pop or iced tea?

Iced tea. But the Canadian kind, not that swill the Americans drink.

Maple syrup or Aunt Jemima

I don't even understand the question. That's like saying "Coffee or Sanka", or "Fresh-squeezed orange juice or Tang". Aunt Gemima is for people who don't have access to real maple syrup.


Hockey

How old will your children be when the Leafs win the cup?

Why don't you just drive over here and kick me in the balls?

Congratulations, you're the new commissioner of the NHL! What are your plans?

I could write ten pages on this. Some random excerpts from the plan:

- Find a way, any way, to get back on ESPN. Buy the airtime if we have to.
- Increase the size of the nets slightly -- maybe two inches all the way around. Enough to impact scoring without making the change especially noticeable to fans
- Scrap the "puck over the glass" delay of game rule.
- Scrap the automatic ejections/suspensions for the instigator rule, but keep the minor penalty and allow for further discipline at league discretion
- Re-seed the final four to allow for two teams from the same conference to meet in the Finals
- Encourage broadcast partners to be aggressively critical of diving, including multiple replays
- Immediately kill and eat anybody who even suggests expansion.

If you were the GM of the Maple Leafs, what would you do to improve the team?

If I took the job today there's not much I could do, since they're pretty much locked in to the current roster. I'd investigate trading Raycroft but wouldn't give him away -- $2M for an experience backup is not terrible. But other than that, I'm not sure what I could do because most of these guys have virtually zero trade value due to contracts and/or skill level.

So I'd sit tight until the deadline, and if we weren't legitimate contenders (and I mean for the Cup, not a meaningless eighth seed playoff spot) then I'd aggressively look to move veterans for picks and prospects. I don't believe in tanking in the Capitals/Penguins sense where you try to finish last for five years straight just to stockpile draft picks, but at some point you need to cash in your assets before they lose all value. I think a healthy Mats Sundin could be shift the balance of power in the league at the deadline, so I'd use last year's Forsberg deal as a baseline and work hard to drive the price up.

Ultimately none of it matters, though, since the Leafs will never win a championship under the current ownership structure. Board of director meetings and pension funds don't lead to victory parades.

Who is your favorite Maple Leaf of all time?

Right here:



Do you have any certain superstitions while watching the Leafs play?

Not during the regular season, unless being cranky and verbally abusive to everyone around me counts as superstition.

But in the playoffs:

- I tape highlights from every series. The video tape must be purchased within a few hours of the start of game one, and I must keep the receipt.

- I buy a bag of chips before the playoffs start and keep it by the TV for the entire duration of the playoffs. (This one started during on the early 90s playoff runs, when I bought a snack before a game and was too nervous to eat it.) Once the Leafs are eliminated, the bag of chips can be eaten. Usually by my wife, who I think secretly roots against the Leafs when she's hungry.

- I used to insist on watching all playoff games alone, usually in the dark. My wife eventually put an end to this one, but she put up with it for several years, even when we lived in a one bedroom apartment and she had to sit by herself in the bedroom and was afraid to come out to go to the bathroom in case the other team scored and I blamed her.

If Hamilton ever gets an NHL team, what should they be called?

If we're going to factor in fan base and revenue potential, I'll suggest the Hamilton Leaf-Bitches.

What would you do if you had a chance to be with the Stanley Cup for a day?

We have a group of guys at the company I work for who go out twice a week at lunch time and play road hockey. We draft up teams and play a seven games series. We take it way too seriously, in that way that only a bunch of older guys clinging to their former glory can.

So if I had the Cup for a day, I'd have us a play an all-day series for it. I'd even have the guys who guard it keep it out of sight until one team was on the verge of clinching, then bring it out and keep it by the side of the court for the final minutes. I'd have them do the full presentation, with the winning team passing the Cup around. And the losers wouldn't be allowed any interaction with the Cup at all.

Also, I would rig this series so my team would win.

If you could talk to one Toronto Maple Leaf, dead or alive, who would it be and why?

Well, Wendel Clark is the obvious answer, but he seems like he'd actually be kind of dull to talk to in that Saskatchewan farmer sort of way. I was always a huge Todd Gill fan, I thought he got a bad rap. Some other guys I'd consider would include Dougie, Tiger Williams, Domi, Bomber, Stumpy, Peter Zezel, Motor City Smitty.

But in the end, if I had to pick one, I'd go with Nikolai Borschevsky, as long as I could be assured that he hadn't learned any english since 1993. I'd love to spend an hour asking him detailed, thought-provoking questions, followed by him staring at me, shaking his head and then saying "un-beleeb-able".

What are your opinions on the Maples Leafs this season?

I think they're good enough to make the playoffs. Which means absolutely nothing... so they sneak in as a seventh or eighth seed and lose in the first round. That's nothing to be proud of. God I'm depressed.

Should the NHL allow teams below the Mason Dixon line?

Go ahead and put the teams there if you think it will work. But when it doesn't work, admit your mistake and move on. There's easy money to be made in Canada right now for the NHL, but they've decided they have to be in the south. It's like they insist on giving themselves a degree of difficulty.

What are your opinions on Nashville being sold to be moved to KC? Do you think Southern Ontario can support another team? Which city do you think should get a team (moved from a current team)?

I don't know enough about the economics and business communities of the various cities to know for sure, but I will say this -- the NHL gets most of it's revenue right now from Canada. That's where all the TV revenue and much of the tickets and merchandising dollars come from. I'm not a business major but it seems to me that if you have one market that loves your product and wants more of it and another that doesn't care, you should consider investing a little in the former, yes?

If you were starting a NHL franchise what five players would you want on your team?

Hm. Well, up front you obviously have to go with Crosby. I guess you go Ovechkin too, even though I'm not as sold on him as some are as far as being an absolute lock. Give me Iginla as the other winger. On defence, I'll take Phaneuf as the building block. Give me Pronger too -- even though he's 33, if I get another four or five years from him I can win some titles right now. And I'll go with Luongo in goal.

You know what's sad? I probably could have made a half dozen teams like this before I named any Leafs.

Who worse, Howard Ballard or Bobby Clarke?

Ballard. Clarke was just stupid, Ballard was actually evil.

Are Sergei Samsonov and Sarah Hughes the same person?

No. Hughes is tougher.

Sittler or Sundin?

I guess I have to go with Sundin, since Sittler was pretty much done in Toronto by the time I was old enough to really know what was going on. But neither guy would be in my personal top ten.

In game six of a seven-game series ... could you kick the best hockey player in the world out of the game for a high stick?

Seriously, just wind up and kick me in the balls. I don't mind at all. Be my guest.

What are your opinions on Kerry Fraser?

OK, here's the cliff notes on the Fraser thing for those who don't know the story: In 1993 the Leafs are playing the Kings in the conference final, and they're ahead three games to two. The winner plays the Habs for the Stanley Cup, so this is the Canadian equivalent of the Red Sox being a game away from playing the Yankees in the World Series. Game six is in Los Angeles, and the Leafs fall behind early before Wendel scores a hattrick, including the tying goal with seconds left in the third.

A few minutes into overtime, Wayne Gretzky high-sticks Doug Gilmour in the face, cutting him. Under the NHL's rules at the time, that's an automatic, no-questions-asked major penalty and game misconduct. So the best player in hockey is about to get kicked out of the biggest game in franchise history, at home, in overtime. Except he's not, because Kerry Fraser chokes on his whistle and can't make the call. The game continues, and less than a minute later, Gretzky scores the OT winner to extend the series. The Kings go on to win game seven, and the Leafs have never been that close again.

There is zero dispute about anything I just wrote, by the way. This isn't a Tuck Rule situation where people are still debating it; it's absolutely clear that Gretzky clips him. It's not even behind the play or anything, Gilmour has the puck when it happens.

Years later, Fraser admitted that he blew the call. He claimed he was screened out on the play, which would be fine if it was true, which it isn't. He has an absolutely clear view of the play, and he's looking directly at Gilmour when it happens. I know this because I have the game on tape and I still watch it occasionally, in the same way that angry teenagers enjoy cutting themselves.

So basically, Fraser is not just a coward who didn't have the guts to make the biggest call of his career, he's also a liar. Other than that, he's wonderful.

So anyways, thanks for bringing this up. I'm going to go home and throw rocks at my neighbour's dog.

What was the most heartbreaking loss your favorite sports team ever endured?

It would have to be the game seven loss to the Kings (the game after the Fraser game). The Leafs had been on such a run, and they had the Habs waiting in the Finals, so you just knew they were going to win. Even when they were down two goals early, you knew they'd come back and they did. Then they fell behind again, and you knew they'd come back and they did. Even when they were down two goals with a minute left, they scored to pull within one and you knew they were going to tie it. And they didn't. And it was like "What? It's over? How?" It was heart-breaking at the time, and it's even worse with every year that goes by because they may never get that close again.

The only saving grace to that loss is that I was 17 at the time. I was only nine when the Blue Jays lost to the Royals in game seven of the 1985 ALCS, and I think I cried for three days.

Michael Nylander ... what should happen to him?

He should be sent a desolate, uninhabitable world of enduring darkness and soul-crushing despair. But since his wife already vetoed the move to Edmonton, I'm out of ideas.

What is the ultimate legacy of Tom Kurvers with the Leafs?

No, I really mean it, kick me in the balls. I'll even hold my junk up a little so you have a clear shot.

Do you acknowledge the supremacy of the Habs?

Well, let's see. They've won more Cups. They've had more playoff success. They've had better players. So they have all that going for them.

However, I live in Ottawa. And if I've learned one thing from Ottawa hockey fans, it's this: as long as you had more points during the last regular season and/or won the last regular season game, you can claim with absolute, unwavering certainty that your team is better. So I guess that means the Leafs win. Sorry Montreal, maybe next year.


Other sports

Who are your current and all-time favourite Blue Jay players?

As a kid I loved just about every Blue Jay. I thought the Moseby/Bell/Barfield outfield was going into the hall of fame as a unit. I loved Ernie Whitt. Tony Fernandez basically ruined by baseball career because I insisted on fielding every ground ball on my backhand and doing a looping sidearm throw to first, which didn't work very well considering I played second base and had to turn 180 degrees. I also wanted hair like Kelly Gruber when I grew up. But I think my all-time favorite is Dave Stieb, the best AL pitcher of the 80s. Suck it, Jack Morris.

The current team is so vanilla that I can't say I have any favorites. I guess I could say Halladay or Wells, but both of those guys will be in Boston or New York in a few years, so what's the point?

Where were you when Joe Carter hit the World Series winning home run?

I was at a friend's house. We were flipping back and forth between the baseball game and the Leafs game, believe it or not, because that was the night the Leafs set the record for a winning streak at the start of the season. When he hit the home run we picked up a few friends and headed downtown for the impromptu street party. So it's technically true that the night the Leafs set the win streak record, Toronto sports fans partied on Yonge Street until dawn.

Favorite sports name?

Stubby Clapp.

Should Canada ever get a second MLB team again?

Probably not. I can't image any Canadian city being able to support one. Even the Blue Jays may be in trouble in a few years, since eventually fans will realize that the only purpose served by the rest of the AL East is to give the Yankees and Red Sox somebody to beat when they're not playing each other every weekend of the season.

Should the Jays fire J.P. Riccardi?

Have some patience. He came in here with a five-year plan, and those things take time. In his case, eight years.

Who is your all-time favorite pro wrestler?

I'm a huge Bret Hart mark. Always have been, probably always will be. I've never enjoyed wrestling as much as I did during the summer of 1997 when they ran the Hart Foundation angle. I pretend that I lost interest in wrestling the past few years because I smartened up and outgrew it, but really it's just because the Hitman retired.

Who are the top Fantasy Football RB, QB, and WR this year?

Tomlinson is the obvious choice at RB. That guy has won me so much money over the past few years that I should probably send him a check. I guess I'd say Manning at QB, although watch out for Carson Palmer. And I like Chad Johnson at WR, although the top tier is so close that I'd rather pick the fourth or fifth guy a round later.

Was Eddie Zosky really that bad, or did he just not get a fair shake?

He was worse than Syl Campusano, but not as bad as Marty Janzen.

What's your favorite football team?

In the CFL, the Argos. In the NFL, the 49ers.

Should Jim make Front Office CFL?

Only if there was an option to ignore the salary cap with no repercussions.

Have you ever gone on any rage fits after your team has lost an important game?

I remember one time during the 2003 season, the Leafs blew a third period lead against the Devils and had to settle for a tie. It was a pretty meaningless game, only a week into the season, but for some reason I just snapped. It was like years of pent-up frustration finally boiled over. I jumped in my car and just drove and drove. I crossed the border and kept driving. I didn't know where I was going or what I wanted to do when I got there, but I had to let the anger out somehow. Finally I wound up driving by a forest in Massachusetts and I saw this big tree, and for some reason I just bolted from my car and charged it. I really think I wanted to dive headfirst into it at full speed and end it all. But just as I got there, some other guy cut in front of me and started pummelling it. I waited around for a bit, but he looked like he might be there for a while, so I left and went home.

If you were the owner and/or GM of the Toronto Blue Jays, what would you do bridge the gap between the Red Sox and/or Yankees (or can it be done?)?

I honestly don't think it can be done. The only chance you have is to stockpile young talent, catch lightning in a bottle and have a season or two where it all comes together. But even then, the Yankees or Red Sox would just buy more players at the deadline to keep up with you.

Sorry Red Sox and Yankee fans, I know you think the entire game revolves around your rivalry and you can't imagine anyone not being intensely fascinated with it. But baseball sucks for the rest of us.

Whatever happened to Cito Gaston?

He wound up back with the Blue Jays a few years ago as hitting instructor. I think he was also a finalist for the White Sox manger job when they hired Guillen. I have no idea why he doesn't get considered for jobs. He's far from a great strategic manager and he can destroy young players, but if you have a team that's already built to win then he's perfect.


RWBL

Is the RWBL dying, or is it just me being nostalgic?

It's definitely changing. It's a different group of guys now, and it's not the same league it used to be. That's nobody's fault, because you can't force people to stick around and when you're working with a legacy version of a game you can't be too choosy about new owners. I guess it's cool for the new guys that they all know each other and they have every right to push the league in whatever direction they want to go. Once we lost guys like Neuq, Sak, kcchief, Smoot, Koji, vtbub, Alan T, etc., it was pretty much a given that the original flavor of the league would be gone. That's not good or bad, in general, it just is.

So no, it's not dying. But for you and me, yes, it probably is.

In the RWBL, who was your favorite Blue Jay? Dylan Kelly, Kelly Johnson, Xavier Nady, Vernon Wells, Gabe Gross, Hank Blalock, Javier Vazquez? Why?

It's a tie between Nady and Vazquez. Mostly because they have first names that are spelled the same but don't rhyme.

What better - Xavier Nady or Dave Kelton?

Nady = Maple Syrup, Kelton = Aunt Jemima.

Which method do you have more respect for in online OOTP, all-out tanking followed by World Series wins or consistently trying to put your best team on the field each year?

Tanking is a fantastic strategy. It demonstrates a tremendous amount of skill, and certainly adds significantly to the enjoyment factor for your fellow owners.

How interesting did you find Dave Krynzel's tidbit?

I'll confess, I thought it really was interesting. That's the sort of thing that made the league great back in the day -- you actually knew things about the other teams in the league. These days it's "sim up" and "HTML done" and that's pretty much it, unless ScottVib posts something. I still go through Dan's reference site a few times a season, but in general I couldn't name a player on most teams in the league. We need more interesting tidbits, and fewer inside jokes and rules arguments.

When was the moment you realized that OOTP hated you?

The player development algorithm definitely hates me, no question. I know it's supposed to be random, but a 30-year death spiral isn't bad luck, it's voodoo. But on the other hand, I've had it really good with some of the other luck-based stuff, like injuries and contract negotiations, so I'm not as bad off as I pretend to be.

Does it freak you out when you see Xavier Nady playing for the Pirates?

A little bit. Not so much that plays for Pittsburgh, but that he's not very good. And also, he plays every position except the ones he played in OOTP. However I'm still not as freaked out as I was when I found out Gabe Gross was white.


Oh Canada

Why is Tim Horton's coffee the best in the world?

It's cheap, they use real cream, and it's not ridiculously strong like Starbucks. Also, there's nicotine in it.

Why is everybody up north in love with Tim Horton's? Because really, I tried it while I was in Michigan, and I'll still take Dunkin Donuts coffee (from a store in New England) over anything else if I can.

Did you lose your taste buds in some sort of industrial accident, or was it elective surgery?

Bob and Doug Mackenzie...Canadian heroes or scorn of the nation?

I'll be honest, I was never a big SCTV guy. They're OK.

Don Cherry; God or Old Goofball?

A bit of both. But I'm a huge Cherry guy. I hope he stays on the air forever.

How good of an ice skater are you?

I'm decent. I actually never played organized hockey -- my sport was baseball as a kid. So I can definitely move pretty well out there, although a childhood full of public skating means I can only turn left.

Poutine. Seriously, why?

Beats me. I've never been a huge fan. Fries with gravy are great, but I could never wrap my head around the cheese curds part. And by the way, they do have to be cheese curds. Pouring nacho cheese on french fries does make it poutine.

Who are your top five favorite Canadian comedians/actors?

Hmm... Mike Myers, Jim Carrey, Jeremy Hotz, Russell Peters, Norm MacDonald. And a posthumous mention for Phil Hartman.

Why does the CBC hate America?

You have to realize that the CBC is a very left-wing news source. So of course they're going to be anti-American. Left wingers in the States are anti-American too, probably way more than the CBC.

If I got sick in Canada and needed medical attention, would it be faster to just stay put or drive to Tijuana?

It depends what you need. If you're looking for gender reassignment surgery, we can get you in on Tuesday. But if it's a heart transplant or chemotherapy then yes, you're pretty much screwed.

Can we give Celine Dion back to you guys?

OK, let's get this straight once and for all. Don't blame us for Celine Dion. When she was in Canada, she was a vaguely successful pop singer. That's it. She had a following in Quebec and had a few hits nationally, but she was never a major celebrity until she got to America and you guys turned her into some sort of international uber-diva. Don't go putting that on us.

Three things you love about Canada and three things you wish you could change.

Good: We have free health care. We have decent hockey coverage. And our political process is just mildly dumb and partisan, instead of ridiculously dumb and partisan like it is in the US.

Bad: We insist on tearing down anyone who's even modestly successful. We've almost completely abdicated any sort of important role we ever held in world affairs. And the rest of the country still does this ridiculous anti-Toronto routine which is just so tired and sad.

Should Quebec be allowed to secede?

I believe everyone has the right to be successful. By the way, get a spell-checker.

Is there such a thing as "Canadian-ness" in either behavior or outlook from which one can distinguish Canadians from other North Americans? In other words, akin to "gay-dar", is there any way (besides accent and grammar cues) you can instantly identify someone who is Canadian?

There's a simple test. If you think somebody might be Canadian, go stand next to them. Nudge them with your elbow, look at them out of the corner of your eye, and then with your arms at your side, very subtlety shake your wrists. If they look at you like you're crazy, they're American. If they nod at you, wait two seconds, then flick their wrists in a downward motion and start throwing punches at you, they're Canadian.

(If they fall whimpering to the ground and curl up in a ball, they're Swedish.)

[Young Drachma]

Good show.

[terpkristin]

Nice read!
Your wife and daughter are beautiful!

I still disagree with you about Tim Horton's though. Dunkin Donuts coffee from a shop in CT or MA is the best there is unless I make it.

/tk

[flere-imsaho]

Funniest FTB yet.

[bbor]

LMAO the whole way through....good job ML.

[Dr. Sak]

Great job Sean!

[vtbub]

LOL

[Crapshoot]

Originally Posted by flere-imsaho

Funniest FTB yet.

"". Good stuff - enjoyable read.

[NoSkillz]

Hilarious stuff!

[Honolulu_Blue]

Finally. My most anticipated FTB Answers.

They certainly lived up to the hype.

[MikeVic]

Good read!

[Subby]

GROUND BEEF AND POT CHILI IS THE FUCKING BOMB, YO!!!

[path12]

Well done.

[Pumpy Tudors]

I must say that I didn't ask for pictures of Mrs. Leafs because I didn't think I'd get any. That's the story of my adult life, I guess. When it comes to Mrs. Leafs, I never get any.

[Swaggs]

Good stuff.

[Vinatieri for Prez]

"See the Leafs win a cup." Ha! That isn't going to happen in your lifetime. You have to make it to the Stanley Cup finals first!

[Johnny93g]

I guess i missed this. I could think of a bunch of good Leaf questions for you.

I had just turned 13 when we lost to the Kings. I was just like you, expecting to come back even when Gretzky made it 5-3. Then, it was over, it broke me, I remember crying that night, it was awful.

IF you don't mind answering another question:
1) What was your reaction upon hearing about the Clark/Sundin trade? I beat up my little brother sense he's the one who told me.....

[Draft Dodger]

great work

[Maple Leafs]

Originally Posted by Johnny93g

1) What was your reaction upon hearing about the Clark/Sundin trade?

I remember that leading up to the draft, Fletcher had told a reporter "keep an eye on us, we're going to do something big". That got all the Leaf fans excited because at that point, Fletcher could do no wrong. We couldn't wait to see who he was going to fleece next.

Now for some reason, I could swear the draft was a Tuesday that year (that can't be right, can it?). I remember I had a hockey game that night, and just before the game somebody ran into the dressing room and said "they traded Wendel". Nobody believed him -- we just couldn't comprehend that happening.

So we played the game, and it was only when we were driving home that we heard them talking about it on the radio. We were devastated. Not only had we traded Wendel, but Leaf fans also loved Lefvebre and we hated Garth Butcher. Plus you had the whole debacle with them thinking they'd gret Brett Lindros and being screwed (brilliantly) by the Nords and Islanders. I think the only thing that kept us from driving into a light post was a nagging feeling that if Fletcher did it, it must be a good trade. And it was, although he went into a two year slump immediately afterwards (screw you, Mike Craig).

I also remember exactly where I was when I found out about the second Wendel trade, the one where they brought him back. And by the way, I'm the only hockey fan in the world who thinks that was a good deal. But then again, I also think Courtnal-for-Kordic was a good deal.

[Johnny93g]

Not a week goes by that i don't hear someone ragging on Gord Stellick for the Courtnal/Kordic trade!!!!

[Radii]

Excellent read.

[johnnyshaka]

Great stuff...nice to see a fellow Canuck make an appearance on FTB!!!

[JediKooter]

Good read and thanks for answering my questions. My apologies, I fired my last spell checker and have not had the chance to hire a replacement.

[Lorena]

Great song on the YouTube clip you posted. Oh, and why was that Clark guy so angry?

Lots of LOL moments, especially this one:

Originally Posted by Maple Leafs

Have you ever gone on any rage fits after your team has lost an important game?

I remember one time during the 2003 season, the Leafs blew a third period lead against the Devils and had to settle for a tie. It was a pretty meaningless game, only a week into the season, but for some reason I just snapped. It was like years of pent-up frustration finally boiled over. I jumped in my car and just drove and drove. I crossed the border and kept driving. I didn't know where I was going or what I wanted to do when I got there, but I had to let the anger out somehow. Finally I wound up driving by a forest in Massachusetts and I saw this big tree, and for some reason I just bolted from my car and charged it. I really think I wanted to dive headfirst into it at full speed and end it all. But just as I got there, some other guy cut in front of me and started pummelling it. I waited around for a bit, but he looked like he might be there for a while, so I left and went home.

Oh and one other thing, where's my sandwich answer?

[Maple Leafs]

Originally Posted by Johnny93g

Not a week goes by that i don't hear someone ragging on Gord Stellick for the Courtnal/Kordic trade!!!!

This drives me crazy. They were a soft team that was getting killed in the Norris division. They traded a decent winger who was completely soft and gutless for one of the top tough guys in the league. It's the exact same trade as the Marois for Baumgartner deal, but because Courtnall had a few good games in a major media center everyone remembers him as a superstar. He wasn't. He was OK, but that's about it. Kordic was a ticking timebomb of course, but when the deal was made it was a reasonable risk to take.

[Maple Leafs]

Originally Posted by Dodgerchick

Oh and one other thing, where's my sandwich answer?

Sorry, there were several questions I ended up skipping if I couldn't come up with a decent answer. I'm not really a sandwich guy -- they're too much work for me. When I make a sandwich it's usually bologna with mustard and lettuce, toasted and cut diagonally... the exact same sandwich I've been having since I was five years old.

Originally Posted by Dodgerchick

Great song on the YouTube clip you posted. Oh, and why was that Clark guy so angry?

It's such a great video, I watch it several times a week. I've analyzed it like it's the Zapruder film. The best stretch is the section that starts with 2:45 left:

- The Islander guy who really doesn't want to fight but wants to look tough. Once the linesman moves away, his first instinct is to back into the glass and then turn his body completely sideways. Interesting self-defence move there.

- Next you get the Flyer who makes the classic "oh my god I'm fighting Wendel Clark" face.

- Then you get the best clip in the entire video -- the one-punch KO on the Blackhawk, followed by Wendel falling on him and just beating him to a pulp. The absolute highlight is both the linesmen skaing over and grabbing a player who's not doing anything. You can almost picture the guy who's getting fed saying "hey guys, down here... a little help maybe?" Then another Blackhawk skates over to jump in, then changes his mind at the last minute when he sees who it is. Highest comedy.

[johnnyshaka]

Just watched the video again...love the kidney shots on a couple of guys...you won't see many hockey fights where somebody is working the body...LOL!!! Also, props for dropping with Probert more than once!!!

[Maple Leafs]

The only criticism I have of the video is that they didn't include the brief Neely/Clark fight, which I believe was the only recorded instance of Neely turtling.

[johnnyshaka]

Still amazes me how he managed to play 80 games his second season in the league with as much of a beating as his body must have taken with nearly 300 PMs and as many hits as gave/took. But, I suppose, like Lindros, that physical game ultimately took its toll on him definitely shortened his career.