Relationship dilemma.........

[Wasabiak]

Here I am, talking to 4,500 people about my life. At 1:45 in the morning, on a work night. There are some people here, on this forum, that I have never met in real life, but feel like I've know for a very long time. I haven;t frequented this forum much for a while, but lately, I've been lurking, and posting when I have a few in me (drinks, that is). Well, don't get me wrong, this isn;t a "feel sorry for Todd" post, I guess I'm just looking to express me thoughts out loud for others to see/read/feel.

My ex wife cheated on me, I left her in March of 04. Divorced in Sep 04. I got hooked up with a great gal I worked with in June 04. we dated for a few months, then I moved in with her in Sep 04, right after my divorce. She explicitly told me she wanted me to move in with her. for whatever reason, help pay the bills, she loved me, whatever. So fine. I move in. Things are good. But, as with any relationship, there are adjustments made. She isn't into computers. So me being on forums and racing Nascar online and playing FOF online is all new to her. So she has her doubts. She thinks maybe, there is a chance that I'm chatting with other gals online, or doing things online behind her back. Fine, I understand those feelings. I try to assure her that these are things I've done for a long time. I've raced online since Nascar 1 came out. Hell, I racked up a $350 phone bill racng on Hawaii in 1995. I've owned every copy of FOF that ever was available. I paint cars in Paint Shop Pro. I have played fantasy football online for years. Yet, she has doubts. Fine. I try to assure her. But she doubts.

We live together for almost a year. I withstand countless accusations. She gets stoned most nights and starts interigating me about why I'm on the laptop and what I'm doing on it. I tell her I'm submitting a stage file, or I'm posting a message on a forum. She doesn't get it. She thinks I'm cheating on her. I snap. I tell her this is one of my interests and that she needs to accept it. She doesn't. I leave her. I move out and move in with a couple guys in a house that were looking for a 3rd roommate. She wonders why I left her. She thinks I left for another gal. But in the meantime, I fix her car for her, I give her money for bills, I pay her vet bills (both of her cats died within 1 month of each other, and I gave her money for each of the vet bills), I help her take her dock out of the lake, I come over to mow her lawn, etc, etc, etc. I have showb her my level of commitment. She has shown me nothing.

So I sit here, in my bedroom of the house I'm renting from, I drink every night. I think about her. My heart is true. There is no one else. She doesn't understand. Then she tells me she got a ride home from a borthday party from a guy she used to work with. And he spends the night, because he was "too tired to drive home". She claims she didn't sleep with him. He slept in the spare bedroom. But she gave him her phoen #, and he gave her a kiss goodbye. She tells me all of this. Why??????? Why are you telling me this????? Who's the one that can't trust now? What am I supposed to think?

But still, I have very strong feelings for this woman. Why? What is it about her? I'm at the point now where I can't think staight about any of this. My emotions are taking over. I thought guys were supposed to be rational. But there is no ration with her. I cry myself to sleep most nights, when I can sleep at all. Christ, here I am, telling 4,500 people this. Am I crazy?

Well, here's what I have.......I have my job, I have FOF, I have fantasy football, and I have brandy and coke. So what do I have? How can I find happiness? Isn't that the ultimate goal in life? With her, I have happiness part time, and frustration the other part of the time. Is that any way to go through life? But I have no desire to be with anyone else. I don't want another woman. So what am I to do? I can;'t make her love me. I can;t make her feel a certain way, or make her like the things I like. Shit, I quit racing online, just so I wouldn';t have to deal with the interrogation. I raced online for 9 years! I've raced with Dale, Jr., for God's sake. "Unical76" was his handle in Nascar 2 and 3. I knew when he was online. I've raced with Truex, and Shane Hmiel. Racing online was very mportant to me. I gave it up, just so she would not think I was doing something bad. That's fucked up. I shouldn't have to do that. But she doesn't get it.

So do I move on? Do I make the decision that she isn't the right on and just go forward? I honestly feel that she has feelings for me. She calls me, she teels me she loves me. But she gets weird once in a while. Is it the weed? Is it me? Confusion is rampant. I know who I am, and I know what I want. But I can't force anyone to feel a certain way about anything.

Well, I've rambled enough. If you read all of this, thanks for caring. I'll see you guys tomorrow.

Todd

[Young Drachma]

It seems like it's obvious that you care about her and love her very much, or else you wouldn't be putting up with it. That being said, you have to realize that it's a two-way street. If she knew from the start that you were interested in these things, then she has to either accept it or of course, you could scale back whatever..meet halfway, blah blah whatever.

Honestly, the whole thing seems like a disaster to me and if she can't trust you when you say what you're doing (or heck, just look and try to understand) than you're just wasting good years of your life on this shit and I can tell you as someone who had an ex who also cheated on him (it was 5 years ago though..) that you can't allow yourself to sacrifice your happiness simply for the idea that another person is going to hold up their end of the bargain.

You owe it to yourself to be straight with her. As for your love, dude...I'm sure every person here has all kinds of things they couldn't rationalize. But it's life. You might feel strongly for her, given the potential for beauty that the relationship could blossom into. But it's got to be about more than that, because before you met her...there was still you and you have to take care of that man that is there whether she is there or not.

Good luck with everything. But stay strong.

[ThunderingHERD]

That was a classic "I'll regret this in the morning."

[ThunderingHERD]

But also good luck. I'm either too drunk or too sober to reveal my "relationship dilemma"... so just, good luck...

[Karlifornia]

#1-You moved in with her WAYYYYYYY too soon

#2-If she really cared, loved, or trusted you, she wouldn't have let you move out over a computer. She would have at least been willing to work on a compromise. She should know to pick her battles, and you should already know that if something like this causes a move-out, then there is no hope for this. You've already been through a divorce.

#3-Don't talk to her at all for a week to two weeks. I know game playing is bad, but if she ain't knocking on your door begging for you to come back, then go burn her house down or something.

[stevew]

She is probably a great girl. But you moved in with her way too soon. If she cant respect the fact that you like to do odd stuff like play video games, and chat on message boards, you are always gonna have issues with her, and you probably need to move on.

I fix her car for her, I give her money for bills, I pay her vet bills (both of her cats died within 1 month of each other, and I gave her money for each of the vet bills), I help her take her dock out of the lake, I come over to mow her lawn, etc, etc, etc. I have showb her my level of commitment. She has shown me nothing.

You should stop doing all this stuff. Next time she says her car is broken, recommend her a good garage.

[MrBigglesworth]

She told you about that guy because she wants you to be jealous. She thinks you have someone else, and it is driving her crazy, so she wants you to feel the same way.

From your description, she doesn't sound very trusting. But getting the story from one source is always tricky, so she may have another view, it could be that you are not communicating well enough with her. Maybe in her mind you are acting like you are hiding something. Did you ever let her watch you work on your stage files? Or watch over your shoulder while you read the forum? That may be totally weird for you, but I bet it would ease her mind, and she would probably find it so dull that she would never bother you about it again.

Bottom line is that if she isn't for you, then she isn't for you, but don't have regrets. The biggest thing that kills relationships is a lack of communication. She probably has a totally different view of the situation than you do, and there might be a way for you to ease her untrustiness. If you can figure out the key to unlocking that mystery, you could be golden. But if you talk it out and can't figure out her point of view, she may just be psycho. It's a fine line sometimes.

[Eaglesfan27]

From what you are communicating, it appears she has a fundamental trust issue. Perhaps, some guy screwed her over in the past. Perhaps, she has some other reason for having trust issues. However, unless she is willing to really work on those trust issues, this relationship is doomed. It is one thing for a GF to want a guy to cut down on his hobbies and spend more time with her, but to eliminate them because she can't trust you is ridiculous IMHO. Good luck.

[CraigSca]

As Eagles said - was she screwed over in the past? As Mr. Bigglesworth asked, have you ever let her watch you while you spend the hours online? Sometimes there's a mentality among us that the hours of gaming we spend is embarassing, so we have a tendency to hide it from others. Perhaps you're doing that and she's misconstruing your (slight) embarassment?

Finally - there will be situations in life that will test your trust much more than playing FOF or NASCAR online. What about business trips where you have to be away from each other for days at a time? If she can't handle you being away from her mentally for a few hours, how the heck are you both going to deal with being 100's of miles apart?

Good luck.

[Noop]

Maybe her accusing you was her way of deflecting her personal cheating. I find it strange the guy took her home and just slept in the spare room. I call BS she had sex with him don't be a fool and believe otherwise.

[Mizzou B-ball fan]

#1 You aren't the problem.

#2 Stop doing those things for her immediately. Doing that stuff is a subconscious way for both of you to see each other without addressing the real problem here.

#3 She has a severe trust issue and I guarantee she has been cheated on in the past. Trust me, it's not going to get better if she doesn't do something about it. The catch-22 is that every time you might point out that she has trust issues, it only furthers the thought in her mind that you're trying to distract her from your cheating (which of course doesn't exist).

Wasabiak, you aren't going to like to hear this, but you have to cut ties with this girl. It's not going to get any better. I know you'd like it to work out and you have only the best of reasons on your part, but this girl has some serious issues. This is one of those girls that embraces her knight in shining armor when he rides up to greet her, only to kick him in the nuts moments later for no good reason other than the last knight left her for the stable girl. There are plenty more ladies out there with a much more stable background. To be honest, it's not even her fault to an extent because someone else cheated on her to create these large trust issues. But if she's not able to admit she has trust issues, a relationship with her is a non-starter.

BTW......the point you made regarding her going over to a guy's house only furthers my point. It honestly doesn't matter whether she did anything or not over at that guy's house. The fact that you are now also on 'cheat' alert is not a good sign at all. You're falling into the same pattern. You don't want to get into a relationship where you're trying to one-up the other person's cheat level. It's a lot more fun to wake up every day without worrying about that kind of roller-coaster. Trust me.

[Raiders Army]

Happiness takes many forms. Do what makes you happy or what you think will make you happy. For some people, happiness isn't a wife and family with 2.4 kids and an SUV and 4 bedroom house. For some people, happiness is playing FOF, racing NASCAR online, etc. If she's a part of your happiness, don't let her go. Work it out. If it doesn't seem as if it will, then drop her.

[CraigSca]

Good point, Mizzou. There are a lot of broken people out there and it's not your job to fix them all. One thing's for sure, if there's misery now in your relationship sticking it out isn't going to fix it. People like her will constantly find themselves in relationships like this and then wonder, at the age of 50, why they never found that one that was going to rescue them.

As an aside, it would be interesting to interview people who have been happily married for 20+ years and ask how many of them went through trust issues like this before they were married (but they're gone now). I can guarantee you that number will be insanely small (if it's not ZERO).

[Samdari]

Originally Posted by CraigSca

As an aside, it would be interesting to interview people who have been happily married for 20+ years and ask how many of them went through trust issues like this before they were married (but they're gone now). I can guarantee you that number will be insanely small (if it's not ZERO).

Umm, I don't think so.

It takes time to build up trust. People not trusting each other completely in the first month they date does not doom them to a failed relationship. The idea is ludicrous.

[CraigSca]

dola

Wasabiak, I "love" the part of the story where she accuses you of cheating because you're online a lot. THEN, she gets a ride home from a former co-worker and he stays over and kisses her goodnight?! Tell me, how would SHE react if that was YOUR story?! I love the hypocrisy here - it's okay when I do something that could be suspect but I'll be damned if you upload a stage file, you cheating bastard.

[CraigSca]

Originally Posted by Samdari

Umm, I don't think so.

It takes time to build up trust. People not trusting each other completely in the first month they date does not doom them to a failed relationship. The idea is ludicrous.

Wait a sec. You're putting words in my mouth. I never said "one month" and I never said "trust completely". I said "trust issues", meaning problems with trusting the other person. If you're dating someone and you're seeing behavior like Wasabiak is seeing - that's a trust issue and a red flag.

Sure, you don't trust ANYONE completely early on in a relationship, but trust doesn't start at zero. In my eyes, it starts somewhere in the middle and can either move down or up based on that person's behavior.

[Mizzou B-ball fan]

Originally Posted by Samdari

Umm, I don't think so.

It takes time to build up trust. People not trusting each other completely in the first month they date does not doom them to a failed relationship. The idea is ludicrous.

Anyone else find the ironic nature of this post given Samdari's signature......

See pretty girl, hump pretty girl

http://nateblumer.freestarthost.com

[Flasch186]

i have it so good. I get play all the video games I want. My girlfirend comes in to kiss me goodnight sometimes. Especially right now considering I cant be intimate, argh!!! She trusts me completely, etc. etc. Why do I mention these things? because theyre out there. No need to try to wait to see if she changes....cuz most of the time, unless some major happens in one's life, people rarely change. Either cut your losses, or be prepared for a long life of this.

[Blackadar]

Eject, pure and simple.

[TroyF]

Originally Posted by Raiders Army

Happiness takes many forms. Do what makes you happy or what you think will make you happy. For some people, happiness isn't a wife and family with 2.4 kids and an SUV and 4 bedroom house. For some people, happiness is playing FOF, racing NASCAR online, etc. If she's a part of your happiness, don't let her go. Work it out. If it doesn't seem as if it will, then drop her.

And for some people it includes ALL OF THE ABOVE.

You should never let another person (mother/father/lover/brother/sister/friend/ANYONE) make you give up something you enjoy for their needs. You can compromise, most certainly. Play the computer less, have more family time, etc. But giving it all up for them? Not having a single night or afternoon where you can play a game for a couple of hours? Because they are worried about you cheating on them? And lets not make any mistake here, it ISN'T the computer that's the problem. Wasabiak could join a gym instead and that'd turn into "what girls did you meet at the gym?"

She's using her mistrust as a way to control him. Thinking NASCAR on the computer is the cause of this is missing the big picture.

Come on. Look Wasabiak, if you love her and want to try to work it out, by all means do it. But you need to set some ground rules for the relationship and if she doesn't hold to them, you need to get the hell out.

I'd say cut bait, but I understand how difficult that is to do. With both of you questioning how much you trust the other, I don't exactly see a strong foundation for happiness together.

Good luck, whatever happens.

[bbor]

Brandy and coke???

[KevinNU7]

Originally Posted by bbor

Brandy and coke???

I thought the same thing!

[Samdari]

Originally Posted by Mizzou B-ball fan

Anyone else find the ironic nature of this post given Samdari's signature......

See pretty girl, hump pretty girl

http://nateblumer.freestarthost.com

Hey now, that's a quote from someone else in the "can a child molester be considered hot" thread, summing up the totality of male human motivation.

[Samdari]

Originally Posted by CraigSca

Wait a sec. You're putting words in my mouth. I never said "one month" and I never said "trust completely". I said "trust issues", meaning problems with trusting the other person. If you're dating someone and you're seeing behavior like Wasabiak is seeing - that's a trust issue and a red flag.

Sure, you don't trust ANYONE completely early on in a relationship, but trust doesn't start at zero. In my eyes, it starts somewhere in the middle and can either move down or up based on that person's behavior.

Yeah, I read "trust issues LIKE THIS" as "trust issues", which, IMO, every relationship - including ones that last 20 years - goes through.

For me, the red flag was, "She gets stoned most nights." Run far, far, away. Try to fall in love with someone more stable.

[stevew]

Originally Posted by Samdari

For me, the red flag was, "She gets stoned most nights." Run far, far, away. Try to fall in love with someone more stable.

That got me too. Something about chronic weed smokers just bothers me, especially girls.

[Wasabiak]

All the input is appreciated. I'm stone sober right now (serious). I have to tell you, some of you hit on points that, I swear, it's like you know all the details. Craig's point, I have said those exact words to her, about being a hypocrite. And the thing about the weed, it bothers me, too. But I don't have any control over her. I can tell her that I think it's a bad thing (which I have), but ultimately, it's her choice to make. But, with all the things clouding this relationship, I STILL feel like she is true to me, and that she has been completely honest with me. Yes, she is insecure. Yes, she was in 2 other serious relationships in the past (engaged to both, never married, no kids), and both guys cheated on her, used her, stole from her (our mutual friends attest to this). Yes, she gets jeolous way too easily. Still.............she has a very gentle, calm side to her that is so addictive to me. And she is beautiful, and she is generally happy, giggly, laid back. There is plenty in her that is worth my feelings. Hell, if there wasn't, we wouldn't be having this conversation.

We moved in too soon, agreed. But I would like to think that even if I would have never moved in with her, that we would still be dating and seeing each other. But damn it, the Jekyll & Hyde shit has to settle down a little. Happy one minute, 20 questions with an attitude the next.

Ah well, we'll figure it out. Thanks again.

[MizzouRah]

This thread immediately make me think of:

Sometimes I feel I've got to
Run away I've got to
Get away
From the pain that you drive into the heart of me
The love we share
Seems to go nowhere
And I've lost my light
For I toss and turn I can't sleep at night

(chorus)
Once I ran to you (I ran)
Now I'll run from you
This tainted love you've given
I give you all a boy could give you
Take my tears and that's not nearly all
Oh...tainted love
Tainted love

Now I know I've got to
Run away I've got to
Get away
You don't really want IT any more from me
To make things right
You need someone to hold you tight
And you'LL think love is to pray
But I'm sorry I don't pray that way

(chorus...)

Don't touch me please
I cannot stand the way you tease
I love you though you hurt me so
Now I'm going to pack my things and go


I do hope things work out for the both of you.

[HomerJSimpson]

Originally Posted by MizzouRah

This thread immediately make me think of:

Sometimes I feel I've got to
Run away I've got to
Get away
From the pain that you drive into the heart of me
The love we share
Seems to go nowhere
And I've lost my light
For I toss and turn I can't sleep at night

(chorus)
Once I ran to you (I ran)
Now I'll run from you
This tainted love you've given
I give you all a boy could give you
Take my tears and that's not nearly all
Oh...tainted love
Tainted love

Now I know I've got to
Run away I've got to
Get away
You don't really want IT any more from me
To make things right
You need someone to hold you tight
And you'LL think love is to pray
But I'm sorry I don't pray that way

(chorus...)

Don't touch me please
I cannot stand the way you tease
I love you though you hurt me so
Now I'm going to pack my things and go


I do hope things work out for the both of you.

Thank you. That is one song I love to get stuck in my head.

[Butter]

MizzouRah forgot the best part....

Baby, baby where did our love go?
Oh, don't you need me?
Don't you need me no more?

[Flasch186]

good luck...

i say lay the ultimatum, sit her ina chair next to you and punish her with hours of FOF, FM, and racing so she can see what it is you do. 2 hours later she'll get up, walk away, and never question it again. (yeah right)

[MizzouRah]

Originally Posted by Butter_of_69

MizzouRah forgot the best part....

Baby, baby where did our love go?
Oh, don't you need me?
Don't you need me no more?

[MacroGuru]

Originally Posted by M GO BLUE!!!

Yeah. They age badly too, just like alcoholics.

I had a neighbor who looked pretty good about 10 years ago. She could go thru a 50 bag in a few days. Every time I would see her she was high. Couldn't keep a job, and had no idea why... (Calling in sick the 1st day is not good.)

Today she is 44, and looks really rough. She thinks she looks good though...

Marijuana is not a drug. I used to suck dick for coke. Now that's an addiction. You ever suck some dick for marijuana

[duckman]

Originally Posted by indoorsoccersim

Marijuana is not a drug. I used to suck dick for coke. Now that's an addiction. You ever suck some dick for marijuana

I saw him do it!

[Tom E]

is this girls young, like 18-19

[Wasabiak]

she's 38, i'm 35

[stevew]

Originally Posted by Wasabiak

she's 38, i'm 35

Yeah, take the cap hit, and invest in younger players.

[sabotai]

Originally Posted by Wasabiak

she's 38, i'm 35

sabotai reads the post and tries to think of what to say. Him telling this guy that he and his girlfriend, both almost a decade older than sabotai, are acting like whiney high school children, might be taken wrongly. He sits back, sighs, and realizes if this drunken idiot and his burnout, pothead girlfriend are acting like this at their ages, there's nothing he can say. He clicks on his browser's Back button and continues to look over the forums.

[mrsimperless]

It sounds as though you are currently just having some bad luck with women. But there are plenty more out there where these two came from.

At least you are a guy. I think it is probably about 10X easier for us to find someone decent than for girls to find a man. I would not let any girl I cared about date more than 1 or 2 guys I know. Hell, I have asshole tendencies myself occasionally. (shocker)

Good luck

[Wasabiak]

Originally Posted by sabotai

sabotai reads the post and tries to think of what to say. Him telling this guy that he and his girlfriend, both almost a decade older than sabotai, are acting like whiney high school children, might be taken wrongly. He sits back, sighs, and realizes if this drunken idiot and his burnout, pothead girlfriend are acting like this at their ages, there's nothing he can say. He clicks on his browser's Back button and continues to look over the forums.

Excellent input. Your intellectual ineptitude is..............Ah, nevermind, asswipe.

[sabotai]

Wasabiak last night:

[WussGawd]

Originally Posted by CraigSca

As an aside, it would be interesting to interview people who have been happily married for 20+ years and ask how many of them went through trust issues like this before they were married (but they're gone now). I can guarantee you that number will be insanely small (if it's not ZERO).

There are no relationships I'm aware of (we're on year 19, so I don't quite fit your cutoff year) where working through issues of trust isn't something a couple has to work through.

Trust is earned. It's fragile. And it's twice as hard to earn a second time if you screw up badly enough to harm it. (I've been in that place, albeit a long, long time ago). It takes time to build up trust. It takes one foolish day to damage or destroy it.

Anybody who tells you something else is either lying to you, or to themselves (probably both).

As for Wasabiak's post, assuming he's being straight with himself about what's going on here, you need to walk away from this woman. She clearly has insecurity issues of one form or another. First, no truly secure person moves in with you after three months. Second, she knew what your hobbies were before you did them. So long as you were straight with her (I'm assuming you were) about it, this is 100% her problem.

Frankly, I think it's time to let her go and write her off as a rebound from the divorce relationship. It's extremely likely that neither one of you was in the best emotional state for a long term relationship after you'd been divorced for a month.

Good luck.

[Wasabiak]

Hey Sab............

[Lorena]

Wasabiak, I hate to say this, but I think you gotta cut her loose. She's saying and doing things as a form of manipulation:

"I slept at a guys house but nothing happened" - now you're wondering if something really did

"My pets died and I need $$" - could she possibly be using you?

"My car doesn't work can you come fix it" - here you come on the rescue

"I don't have $$ for bills" - you lend her money

"Can you come over to mow the lawn" - you help her once again

It takes 2 to make a relationship work and it seems that YOU'RE the only one who's putting any effort into it. I might be assuming that she's asking you for stuff when you might be the one offering, but regardless, you're giving too much of yourself and not getting anything in return.

So another guy gives her a ride and she spends the night at his house? In a "spare" bedroom because he was too tired to drive? I'm sorry, but she could have called a cab, a friend, or anyone!! Something doesn't sound right.

You also mentioned that part of the time you're happy, and the other part, you're frustrated and upset at the insecurity, accusations, interrogations... whatever. That's no way to live a happy life. How can you be happy if half the time you're frustrated? It'll happen again and again... trust me. I've known many, many girls like that and they're always blaming others for their misfortunes and unhapiness. She'll find a way to blame you anytime she feels down.

And most importantly, don't change YOU for her or ANYONE!!!!!! Seriously man, when you stop doing things you enjoy for someone else you're giving up too much. I apologize for the bluntness here, but NO ONE is worth that. I don't care who it is. I never met anyone that played the type of games my husband plays for hours at a time... but I accepted it and hell, I JOINED HIM!! I didn't watch sports but was willing to learn so we can watch them together and I'm happy I did... we spend Sundays watching football and talk about whatever game we're watching. So Wasabiak, there ARE other fish in the sea.

Forgive me for rambling on, but I get frustrated when a female does stuff like that. I hung out with lots of girls like that and it was extremely frustrating. For your sake and sanity, don't do it Wasabiak.

[Craptacular]

I read this whole thread, then read your first post again. Raise the anchor and sail away. I agree that it can take some time to work out trust issues, but if it's been a year, and you're still on the same trust issues, I think it's not a risk worth taking.

"But I can't force anyone to feel a certain way about anything."

If you think you need to "force" her to feel the right way about you, then this not the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.

[Karlifornia]

Call her crying and say softly, but sternly. You stole everything from me. My money. My heart...even some of my HIV. Hang up, and don't pick up when she calls back.

[Galaxy]

Originally Posted by RadioFriendlyUnitShifter

Call her crying and say softly, but sternly. You stole everything from me. My money. My heart...even some of my HIV. Hang up, and don't pick up when she calls back.

Or call Peter Griffin to have him and his group sing her the "You have AIDS" song.