Engagement Ring Etiquette?

[wade moore]

I'll try to make this story short...

So, I have been dating the same girl for almost 7 years now. We have been living together for about 4 years no. We have been waiting until she finished school before we got married, and she finishes her Master's Degree in August.

So, within the next 6 months, I will be proposing.

Over the last few years, when we are out and about in the mall, etc, etc she has shown me EXACTLY what engagement ring she wants. It's actually not a bad thing, because she wants something simple (thin band, marquee diamond).

Here is where the sticky part comes in.. about 6 months ago my dad tells me that there is a family heirloom engagement ring (Actually two) that were given to my brother and myself in my grandfather's will. My brother is not married and not nearly as close to the possibility as me. So, this weekend he gave me both of the rings. They are essentially the same style with different sized stones.

So here's the problem. The ring is not the style that she wants. I don't know the exact name of the cut, but it is basically square with small circles in the top? not sure how to explain it..

Anyway... what do I do? Is it bad etiqiquette to not give the family ring? Is it poor form to give a ring that I know she does not like the style?

Help!

[Blackadar]

Give her the family ring. If she doens't like the gesture, she's not the right one to marry.

[Ragone]

I would explain the situation to her and maybe even your family(to see how stuck they are on using the rings.. hell maybe pawn them off on your brother), and try to work out something agreeable to you both. But this isn't a good spot for you to be in

[bosshogg23]

My wife woulda been touched to have a family heirloom ring. Im sure your girlfriend will be as well.

[oliegirl]

Does your girlfriend know that a proposal is coming? If she does, show her the rings and see if she likes them.

Another option would be to propose with one of the rings from your Grandfather, during the proposal tell her about the history of the ring...if she doesn't love the ring, you can go out together and pick another ring for her.

Or, bring one of the rings into a jeweler and have them looked at...it kind of sounds like the "square with small circles in the top" is not one stone, but four stones mounted together to look like one stone, which is very common. If that is the case, maybe you could have the ring melted down and made into a pair of earrings or if it is one stone, into a pendant to give her as a wedding gift...

Good Luck!!!!

[CraigSca]

I'm not sure I agree. A girl has a right to wish for that dream engagement ring. Were you close to your grandfather? How much do the rings mean to YOU? Has it been your dream to give your grandfather's ring to your future wife?

It's a wonderful gesture by your father and a sticky situation - but you both have the right to forge your own relationship.

[CraigSca]

Originally Posted by oliegirl

Does your girlfriend know that a proposal is coming? If she does, show her the rings and see if she likes them.

Another option would be to propose with one of the rings from your Grandfather, during the proposal tell her about the history of the ring...if she doesn't love the ring, you can go out together and pick another ring for her.

Or, bring one of the rings into a jeweler and have them looked at...it kind of sounds like the "square with small circles in the top" is not one stone, but four stones mounted together to look like one stone, which is very common. If that is the case, maybe you could have the ring melted down and made into a pair of earrings or if it is one stone, into a pendant to give her as a wedding gift...

Good Luck!!!!

Ugh, I'm not sure I'd ever have the rings melted down, no matter how much I disliked them.

[hhiipp]

Yeah, don't melt down the rings, that's poor form and likely to piss your dad off if it was his fathers gesture to give the rings to you and your brother.

I would definately get the ring she wants, especially since she has hinted several times at what she wants. She might appreciate the gesture of the heirloom but will still be disappointed because this is the moment every girl dreams of from the time they are little kids. (Or so I've been told)

[Ragone]

yea.. melting down would only cause resentment i imagine.. again, i think a discussion with your fiance/family is in order

[Cringer]

Women are pretty sensative about frickin' rings, thats all I know. But I watch that thar' T.V. and hollywood movies and that is what they always show, gals wantin' the ring they want!

[CraigSca]

It actually comes from the guy as well (or at least for me it did). I took great pride in the fact a) I knew the general ring she wanted and b) that I saved months and month and months for it. When I finally had the ring in my possession I was popping wheelies because I wanted to give it to her the same day.

The buying of the engagement ring should be a rewarding experience for both parties. Again, it was an incredibly nice and thoughtful gesture from your Dad, so you need to temper your decision with that. However, I generally think that heirloom rings are probably a bad idea if BOTH parties aren't wholeheartedly for it.

[albionmoonlight]

You are starting a new life together with your soon to be wife. IMO, it is more important to give her what you know she wants than it is to give her the family heirloom.

Realize that if you explain the situation to her, then you are simply shifting the burden of the decision unto her, which does not seem right.

I'd talk to your family about it and explain the situation. You can always keep the ring and give it to your wife to wear as a normal ring. Or give it to your (future) son to propose to his future wife with.

But I would do all of this starting from the understanding that the future Mrs. Moore has made her wishes known, and that gets first priority.

Just my humble opinion. Good luck.

[Drake]

I was in this situation.

Get her the ring she wants. Give her the heirloom ring as a gift on the wedding night and tell her your father wanted her to have it (explaining its heirloominess) as a symbol of your family's great pleasure in having her as a new daughter-in-law.

[Cringer]

Originally Posted by Drake

I was in this situation.

Get her the ring she wants. Give her the heirloom ring as a gift on the wedding night and tell her your father wanted her to have it (explaining its heirloominess) as a symbol of your family's great pleasure in having her as a new daughter-in-law.

I like this one.

[Flasch186]

for drama sake I go with "melt 'er down!"....let us now how that goes

[wade moore]

Alright.. tons of good posts...

Going to try and answer the questions in sweeping order, not to anyone in particular since some same/similar questions were asked...

1) She knows the proposal is coming. We've talked about it for years, but she does not know the exact timing. She is a very practical girl who you will actually probably see an eventual post from me about our 'wedding plan woes' (she wants to save money and just do a J.O.P. with witnesses and go on the honeymoon, or a destination wedding - I want a ceremony.) So I can see her appreciating the heirloom factor due to cost also.

2) I do not know how I feel about the heirloom rings. As I stated, I just found out about it a few months ago. There is an added sticky situation because one was used for my mother, but they got divorced.

3) I worry about discussing it with her because I run the risk of just ruining what little surprise there is about the proposal process.

4) She does not know that the heirloom ring exists either, so I have never gotten her input on the situation in general.


I was actually leaning towards Drake's option. I think my dad would be somewhat offended, but he may just have to cope and understand.. If I had known about these rings 7 years ago.....

[Ksyrup]

I had the opposite situation and it turned out to be the best possible thing for me. My wife had a diamond passed down from her great-great-grandmother, so all I had to do was buy the $100 setting to put it in.

Of course, in exchange for that, I've had to endure about 10 years of listening to how I got off easy and she's expecting something gigantic one of these days...

[gottimd]

To get a general feel for what she wants, you could go to Bluenile.com.

[Cringer]

Originally Posted by Ksyrup

I had the opposite situation and it turned out to be the best possible thing for me. My wife had a diamond passed down from her great-great-grandmother, so all I had to do was buy the $100 setting to put it in.

Of course, in exchange for that, I've had to endure about 10 years of listening to how I got off easy and she's expecting something gigantic one of these days...

Yeah, i guess I got off easy at the time too. We got married with a cheap 'fake' ring for her and a 'fake' ring for me. Later on we went down and picked out our rings. Mine was $250, hers was much much more, and she insists that she will get an even bigger diamond on it down the road.

[Fritz]

Wade,

Give your girl the ring she wants

Originally Posted by wade moore

Alright.. tons of good posts...

Going to try and answer the questions in sweeping order, not to anyone in particular since some same/similar questions were asked...

1) She knows the proposal is coming. We've talked about it for years, but she does not know the exact timing. She is a very practical girl who you will actually probably see an eventual post from me about our 'wedding plan woes' (she wants to save money and just do a J.O.P. with witnesses and go on the honeymoon, or a destination wedding - I want a ceremony.) So I can see her appreciating the heirloom factor due to cost also.

You can get the Wren for $400. You need some lead time though.

[qutoe]
2) I do not know how I feel about the heirloom rings. As I stated, I just found out about it a few months ago. There is an added sticky situation because one was used for my mother, but they got divorced.
[/quote]

As I have said, get her the ring she wants. I am one of the most sentimental people on the planet, but this is a time for the future.

Plus, for some reason, the act of investing in the ring is part of the token of commitment. "Gift" rings somehow seem less legitimate to many people, even if they say they are cool with them. Use the ring for something else.

I was actually leaning towards Drake's option. I think my dad would be somewhat offended, but he may just have to cope and understand..

Drake is a wise man.

[KevinNU7]

If your Dad is offended because you decide not to use the ring for an engagement ring then he is a moron.

I'm amazed at some of the threads that pop up on the boards, it's like people forgot how to communicate with their loved ones and need advice from total strangers. Jsut lay it all out with your Dad.

[Suicane75]

Sit her down, have both rings in your pocket, explain to her about the ring your father gave you and tell her that it isn't an engagement ring but rather a ring you really want her to have, then after she tries it on, gives you thanks, yadda yadda, break out the real ring and then propose.

[sportsfan13]

Enter girl's opinion: If my BF was in your situation, this is hopefully how I would hope he would handle it. I would hope that he would first off buy me my dream ring. After all, I'm sure she's planned the exact proposal thing out in her head plenty of times and if you open that ring box and it's not "her ring", I'm sure she'll say yes, but it's like getting a blue shirt when you wanted red (straining for a good comparison but could only think of shirts!). Then, if you are planning on having a rehearsal dinner the day before your wedding, while you guys are going through the whole role play of walking down the aisle and stuff, give it to her during the rehearsal of the part where you two exchange rings. She would be so shocked and excited! And once you inform her of the actual importance of the ring, she'll cry from excitement. As for the second ring, I think your brother should be given that ring. Even though he isn't getting married any time soon, I'm sure he would like the opportunity to give his future bride something like that, too. Congratulations on her graduating and you guys finally making the step!

[wade moore]

Good advice sf... seems logical..

Oh.. and the intention all along is for my brother to get one of the rings.

[sportsfan13]

Originally Posted by wade moore

Good advice sf... seems logical..

Oh.. and the intention all along is for my brother to get one of the rings.

Thanks. Make sure you keep us posted on the outcome!

[wade moore]

Originally Posted by sportsfan13

Thanks. Make sure you keep us posted on the outcome!

Will do.. but like I said, could be months from now.. part of why I bring this up now is so that I can start the search for the 'perfect' ring...

[VPI97]

Originally Posted by wade moore

So, I have been dating the same girl for almost 7 years now. We have been living together for about 4 years

Damn...I proposed after six weeks of dating.


Edit - Give her the family ring and make a promise that at 5 or 10 years, you'll retire the family ring and get her a new one.

[wade moore]

Originally Posted by VPI97

Damn...I proposed after six weeks of dating.

Well then... talk about opposite ends of the spectrum..

but.. to be honest.. it's all her.. she wanted to be done with school first...

[VPI97]

Originally Posted by wade moore

Well then... talk about opposite ends of the spectrum...

Mine was a special case. I outpunted my coverage and figured that eventually I'd screw it up. I had to reel her in before she knew what she was getting into.

[Eaglesfan27]

Originally Posted by Blackadar

Give her the family ring. If she doens't like the gesture, she's not the right one to marry.

I totally agree. Mrs. Eaglesfan had shown me several rings that she liked. However, once my grandmother passed, my grandfather really wanted me to have her engagement ring to give to the future Mrs. Eaglesfan. This ring had a totally different cut than what she wanted, but she loved it and was very touched that my grandfather had wanted to keep it in the family.

[JeeberD]

Originally Posted by VPI97

Damn...I proposed after six weeks of dating.

wade actually makes me feel a bit better about my situation...dating for five and a half years and no ring yet. Not that I'm not planning something, she just doesn't have it yet...

[LoneStarGirl]

I am kind of in the same situation, except i'm the female and the ring is from my side of the family. My mom suggested, since its a different style then what i want, that we just add more diamonds to the top or melt the band down and just use the diamonds, just as long as we keep the ring in the family.

[Franklinnoble]

I say hurl. If you blow chunks and she comes back, she's yours. If you spew and she bolts, then it was never meant to be.

[Desnudo]

7 years? Man.

[Fritz]

Originally Posted by Desnudo

7 years? Man.

in 7 years I

met my ex-wife
married same ex-wife
caught ex-wife cheating on me with jesus
divorced ex-wife

[Subby]

I think the most important question is: Did you kiss this girl while you were both standing on the Crim Dell bridge?

[sabotai]

7 Years is about as long as I've known my girl. Well, she's not "my girl" anymore really, but kind of is. Still could be down the road but right now we're....(stupid complicated love life)

I say give her what she wants. Your dad might be offended but you don't wake up to him in the morning and go to bed with him at night. Make the woman happy. When she picked out the one ring that she really wants, I think you passed the point of no return.

[Ksyrup]

My wife and I waited 6 years to get married, but only because I wanted to wait until I graduated from law school. We met during my sophomore year in college, and she lived near my parents, who I only visited during breaks and such, so although we dated for 6 years, I'd guess that in "real time" we were probably together no more than a year and a half.

[SunDevil]

Originally Posted by Drake

I was in this situation.

Get her the ring she wants. Give her the heirloom ring as a gift on the wedding night and tell her your father wanted her to have it (explaining its heirloominess) as a symbol of your family's great pleasure in having her as a new daughter-in-law.

Gold. Thanks for posting this. I am saving this for future reference.

[JeeberD]

Originally Posted by sabotai

7 Years is about as long as I've known my girl. Well, she's not "my girl" anymore really, but kind of is. Still could be down the road but right now we're....(stupid complicated love life)

I thought you met the taffy girl about six months ago?

[sabotai]

Originally Posted by JeeberD

I thought you met the taffy girl about six months ago?

And haven't seen her in six months, despite countless journeys to that Commerce Bank...

[Franklinnoble]

Originally Posted by JeeberD

I thought you met the taffy girl about six months ago?

I can't believe you remembered that.

Maybe its time for you to get some real-life friends or something...

[sabotai]

Originally Posted by Franklinnoble

Maybe its time for you to get some real-life friends or something...

13,730....since Nov 2002....he's passed that point in his life. We're all he has.

[JeeberD]

The truth hurts...

[Phoenix]

minimum of two months salary - don't be cheap - go w/ at least one carat (or her friends will laugh at you) - you can upgrade (bigger center diamond) that bad boy on special occasions - don't go with the family stuff, it's dated (out of style) and makes you look like a putz (go with all platinum setting and stick with traditional cuts like round)

[lighthousekeeper]

Originally Posted by Phoenix

minimum of two months salary - don't be cheap - go w/ at least one carat (or her friends will laugh at you) - you can upgrade (bigger center diamond) that bad boy on special occasions - don't go with the family stuff, it's dated (out of style) and makes you look like a putz (go with all platinum setting and stick with traditional cuts like round)

What, do you work for the diamond industry or something? Don't believe that 2 months salary crap...

My wife would have killed me if I had spent that much on some piece of jewelry.

[wade moore]

Originally Posted by Subby

I think the most important question is: Did you kiss this girl while you were both standing on the Crim Dell bridge?

Actually... no ...

But, if we do have a ceremony, it will be at Wren Chapel...

[HomerJSimpson]

Wade, before you do anything, you can gauge her reaction to the situation. Tell her you were reading a message board and someone asked if he should give his fiancee a family heirloom or the engagement ring she picked out. Only she can tell you which she prefers, because every woman is different. This way you can get her feelings without ruining the surprise.

I'd also advise that if you go with the family heirloom, purchase the engagement ring or one like it to give either as a wedding present, honeymoon surprise, or for your first anniversary.

[Kosta]

Ah the diamond engagement ring... the greatest 'marketing hoax' of all time. De Beers has a lot to answer for.

[Fritz]

Originally Posted by Kosta

Ah the diamond engagement ring... the greatest 'marketing hoax' of all time. De Beers has a lot to answer for.

you turn up in the oddest places