A Crawfish For Every Man, Woman, Child and Dog. And Peanut Butter.

[The Afoci]

Since I have been slacking lately and really want to get back to this, I will start a new thread as a sign of wanting to get back to it. Here is the links to the other parts of the dynasty.

Chapter One: Crawfish Love

The Second Chapter

Enjoy, suggestions welcome along with your pets and peanut butter.

[The Afoci]

May I crush you?

Deep within the The Secret Hide Out not so far from the New Fighting Crawfish Arena a new weapon that had kept The Afoci and Marmel busy for the last few weeks was about to be released.

'Chris Gaines' held the boom box high that played Mr. Big's grand hit, Be with You as the men in the room slowly swayed back and forth.

The Afoci began to speak. "It is with great pleasure I bring to you the creature that will aide our Army of Crawfish with Laser Blasters instead of Claws spread beyond the borders of North Dakota. I bring you, the New, the Improved, the new...umm..."

Everyone looks towards him in anticipation.

"I have ran out of ways to describe it, so I will just say it" says The Afoci and with one great swoop of his hand he removes the cover sheet over the cage that holds the new beast. "I bring you the Rat with Stinky Cheese!

"AHHHHH!!!!" screams Marmel as he jumps up on a chair and then as the mighty beast is released he jumps onto it completely crushing it. Splatter from the beast hits everyone.

Everyone turns towards Marmel and he looks up, tears in his eyes. "Stinky Cheese reminds me of the fat chick I took to prom. She put my head in her lap and I found three year old swiss cheese sandwich with some bologna on it."

With everyone stunned and Marmel whimpering, The Afoci decides it is time to break the ice and speak up for his sidekick. "It was me, on my senior prom night that I too had an incident that too this day will forever scar me. My date was a lady named Manuel...Manuela, I called her for short. She was a fine lady with her full beard and penis. At that point in my life, my knowledge of woman was limited, I will admit that, but Manuela was everything I could have hoped for. She was the first girl that I didn't pay that didn't slap me when I slapped her ass and called her Nancy. Well anyway, after prom, we started getting hot and heavy in my 1979 Renault Encore,[side note--This is a car I actually owned that Renault denies ever making. I had an owners Manual that stated on the cover, 1979 Renault Encore. It was the worst car ever made. Period.] and my teeth were getting full of hair from Manuela's beard when she showed me her penis. It was at that point, I had a choice to make. Accept that the woman I love has a penis, or turn and run. I made the wrong choice. I nearly joined the Navy that night, or at least acted like a Seaman. Luckily Manuela was arrested as my head went towards his lap. I should have known, but was in love. The police told me he was actually a 84 year old ex-sailor. To my surprise, Manuela wasn't a girl!!!!"

They all looked at him in complete disbelief. Everyone slowly filled out saying something to the effect that they had to get to some important game on Sunday. The Afoci told them that they should just play it normal for the game. The season is long.

[Havok]

Welcome Back

[Poli]

I suppose you weren't going to tell me about this. Hater.

[The Afoci]

Crawfish pull a North County Raider

And lose 5-1. As the bus pulls back into Fargo ND, the smell of alcohol and the sweet smell of anti-glaucoma medication. The team gets off the bus to the roar of 8 new supporters carrying signs saying "Great win vs. The Cheesecake!" This is as good of an fight against serving alcohol at stadiums. Hopefully when they sober up, they stay around.

The Rat with Stinky Cheese turned out to be as big of a failure as the heterosexual classes for the North County Raider's squad. But luckily they didn't all wear assless leather chaps. The Afoci stumbles off the bus last, Marmel at his side.

"The Afoci" says Marmel "This was a tough loss. I don't know what we could do differently. We were completely prepared. I feed each of the players 3 pounds of peanut butter everyday for a week prior to the match and then got them drunk off Everclear. I also waxed everyones body hair off and made a special pie I sent to the Cheesecake. You can't go wrong with hair pie!"

"I know" says The Afoci "Sometimes the hair pie goes for you, sometimes it goes against you. Remember last month Marmel, that girl told you she shaved, but I said the My Little Pony doll suggested otherwise. Well luckily the police were nice after you shared the pics with them."

"Yeah!" says Marmel "At least she didn't have a penis!!!"

A small fight ensues and suddenly the lights go out in the Secret Hide out not so far from the New Fighting Crawfish Arena!. But why?

[sterlingice]

Hey, ardent? How's that first place in Div IV going?

SI

[Poli]

Oh, it's going fine. You know, it's hard to manage a first place team while you're defending the freedom of millions, but I make do. It's not like I'm hiding in North Dakota behind a mountain of peanut butter cursing the sky because it's blue or anything.

[The Afoci]

Training!

The Afoci watched as the lights dimmed on the room where midfield stud Dan Woodson stood. Dan had a glass of the finest wine a box could produce in one hand and an air pump in the other. The night would be a special one. He turned on some music that was barely audible over the sounds of his air pump inflating his date for the night. She appeared to be a blonde, with slender, wait, medium, oh lordy, she is a porker. Dan Woodson likes them big. Oddly he isn't a NCRer!. With his bag of flour he was able to locate the "Real wet spot for your pleasure! It was in the third fold from the top. With moves like this, it was obvious that the 19 year old was now excellent at what he did. A minute later he proved that some more stamina wouldn't hurt.

[PilotMan]

You are a very odd individual. Damn funny, but odd, yes, very odd.

[The Afoci]

The 'Light' incident

Now it was but a week ago that the lights went out in the Fighting Crawfish world and no one knew why. The Crawfish had lost in the FOFC Cup 9-0 and won a league match 5-1 in this time and the lights still remained off. Marmel called the power company and they said that power was still on to the place, but a huge draw was taking all the available power. The Afoci and Marmel knew what had to be done. It was something that they didn't look forward to doing. The Youth Pull Torture Facility had to be visited.

Rumors about such a place kept the player training at 100% and made sure they didn't play too bad, but for some odd reason, the Youth Pulls seemed to spend too much time being Misfitz and sucking bad. They were sent to the Youth Pull Torture Facility. It was a dark room with Enya playing constantly in the background. Torture enough for the Youth Pulls, but imagine the man who runs the facility. He faces the music none stop and his only job is to get rid of Misfitz-esque Youth Pulls and think of new ways to do so. Now as Marmel and The Afoci came close to the room, the horrible sound of Enya hit their ears. It sounded like one Elephant raping three baboons. A noise neither wanted to hear after their Romantic African Animal Raping Safari. One the outside of the room was a list. The list contained the names of the Misfitz-esque Youth Pulls and how they met their demise. With his Mickey Mouse Flashlight, Marmel scanned the last name on the list. It read.

Juan Carlos Valero Gonzalez (17012130)

"Ah, the victim" laughs The Afoci.

18 years, passable form, still kicking

"He is legal!" screams Marmel

A popular guy who is temperamental and honest.

"Somebody likes him!" says The Afoci

Has had a disastrous experience here and passable leadership abilities.

"Interesting!" says Marmel as his hand runs over his freshly shaven sack.

Speciality: Head

"I want to be a tester!" they both scream together. Girlish giggles ensue.

Nationality: USA

"USA! USA! USA! USA!..." says The Afoci. Shaking his head he says, "I got nothing."

Assessed value: 5 000 US$

"That head specialty pays more than it did in college!" says Marmel.

Wage: 520 US$/week

"He gets paid for this!?!?" screams Marmel.

The Afoci looks stunned and thinks. "Umm, must be a typo. Next."

Owner: Fighting Crawfish

"That is me." snorts The Afoci

Warnings: 0

"You don't get warnings here." says Marmel

Stamina: inadequate Goaltending: disastrous
Playmaking: wretched Passing: poor
Winger: weak Defending: poor
Scoring: poor Set Pieces: poor

"This guy has nothing!" says The Afoci

Notes!

This worthless pile of poo refuses too die. He has been hooked up to my latest contraption for over a week and has yet to die. First, I take his balls and shread them in to 1/4 inch slices. I then insert it into the power outlet. Hilarity ensues. ---Tito

"Ummm...I like candle light better..." says Marmel

"Yeah, Yeah! Me too!" says The Afoci as they both run far far away.

[Poli]

I thought we blew up your lights. Time to go beat your mom some more.

[The Afoci]

Rumors of Crawfish/North County Raiders next week have been swirling. Many are suprised the NCR's would dare take on the might Crawfish. Hmm...

[The Afoci]

Looking forward...to torture!

It was a long trip home from The Orcs stadium after a very upsetting 2-2 tie that essential left the Fighing Crawfish in Division V for at least one more season. Perhaps the players were looking forward the the slaughtering they will get to bring to the hated North County Raiders in the next few days. Perhaps the rumors of a Misfitz-esque Youth Pull were true and they would be witness to his torture. Either is a good excuse in my book.

The Youth Pull

As the squad pulled up to The New Fighting Crawfish Arena, Marmel and The Afoci stepped off the bus first. Marmel scanned the area, looking for what he likes to call "fresh meat". No one could be seen, so everyone hurried inside to the brand new observation room for the Youth Pull Torture Facility. Popcorn was passed out along with peanut butter and jelly. Things could get messy. As the curtain opened the small crowd of Crawfish players and Coaches cheered. Inside was this man.

Tim Amos (17395798)
18 years, passable form, healthy
A nasty fellow who is temperamental and honest.
Has disastrous experience and inadequate leadership abilities.

Nationality: USA
Assessed value: 4 000 US$
Wage: 520 US$/week
Owner: Fighting Crawfish
Warnings: 0


Stamina: poor Goaltending: disastrous
Playmaking: disastrous Passing: poor
Winger: weak Defending: poor
Scoring: weak Set Pieces: poor


He was strapped to the table, mostly naked, with the exception of the dog tail Marmel had forgot on him. I guess Marmel didn't spend the entire time at last nights game. As the man in the room as about to release a Crawfish with Laser Blasters instead of Claws on him, the lights went out and when the came on, the man was gone. A note was left on the table. It read:

"I am Jerrome Betttiss. Me play with balls of the North County Butt-Raiders. I have come...wait not yet. I have taken your Youth Pull. His skillz are good enouf for a North County Butt-Raider. He will be our leader. We will all dress in dresses and play dolls until our game. Die scummy poopy heads!

Luv,

Jerrromee Betttiss!"

[Havok]

lol!! The North County Butt-Raiders.... Thats classic!

[The Afoci]

NCR's Lose!

Due to an all-day shower, 1307 paying spectators got to see a match on a pitch-turned-bog at Dave Sumner-Raider Field. Raiders started off with a 3-4-3 lineup. Lineup: Neto - Lyon, Dailey, Hutton - Crawley "I wish I was a Crawfish", Tullblom, Worrall, Wiles - Wagner, Pritchard, Womack.

Fighting had chosen a strategic 3-5-2 formation. They fielded: Denney - Cherry, Kearsey, de Oliveira - Uddstad, Singletary, Wylie, Frahm, Rossi - Popella, Jones.

Counter-attacking seemed to be the preferred strategy of Raiders, and they seem weak at it which is to be expected. Some quick foot work on the left side of the field in the 25:th minute left Fighting´s Elijah Jones completely free to score. 0 - 1 for the visitors. Michael Dailey of Raiders received a yellow card in the 27:th minute for unsportsmanlike behaviour when he was dry humping a ref. After 38 minutes a combination in the middle resulted in a through ball for Taylor Singletary who increased Fighting´s lead to 0 - 2. Raiderss Raymond Womack went wide in the 38:th minute, recieving a brilliant pass slicing through the visiting teams central defense line after letting a wretchedly divine fart, putting the 1 - 2 goal away. The referee showed Raiderss Raymond Womack the yellow card after a particularly nasty smell that many believe may have been "wet". Fighting were forced to a substitution as João Fernando de Oliveira couldn´t continue playing due to the rough treatment from the NCR thugs. The referee showed Fightings Taylor Singletary the yellow card after a particularly nasty challenge that resulted in a Crawfish on the Sack of Ardent! He appeared to like it. After 43 minutes a combination in the middle resulted in a through ball for Albert Frahm who increased Fighting´s lead to 1 - 3. In the to 43rd minute a very unfortunate collision in the home teams penalty area led to Fighting´s Christian Rossi being carried off the pitch and replaced by Mikael Apelerberg. 1 - 3 was the half-time score. Raiders held the ball, with a clear 52 percent possession rate.

Raiders had a nice free kick routine in the 55:th minute that was very close to paying off, had it not been for a dramatic save by the visitors keeper. The referee showed Fightings Ruud Ranta the yellow card after a particularly nasty challenge. The home crowd was given a certain amount of consolation when Albert Pritchard, after a brilliant midfield combination, put the reducing 2 - 3 goal away for Raiders. Elijah Jones increased the visitors lead by putting a volley shot away on a pass from the right. 2 - 4. He then screamed "This is for the fallen Crawfish!" The boggy pitch disrupted the game, especially for technical players like Franz-Bernd Popella whose skills weren´t made justice at all. Raiders held the ball, with a clear 56 percent possession rate.

The most dominating Raiders player was without a doubt Bob Wiles. Dan Wagner on the other hand, had a terrible day. The most dominating Fighting player was without a doubt Mikael Apelerberg. However, Elijah Jones made a disastrous appearance. The match ends 2 - 4.



That is all.

[The Afoci]

Training, Crawfish Style!

After 18 year old Taylor Singletary proclaimed to now be an Excellent Playmaker, many thought this is a good training update. But what was about to happen, something so odd, that it was a first for the Crawfish Empire, had to be told.

Florian Wylie was born to drunk mother and his father was one of 609 men. On the day of his conception, his mother participated in what was at the time, the world largest gangbang. He and 613 guys full of spunk. Well, only 609 were full of spunk, 4 had were either previously cut or previously men. Either way, they weren't his daddy! Now at the tender age of 16, he was at a birthday party sleep over when the video was found on the internet by one of his buddies. Forever shamed, Florian Wylie, named after the letters most common in 609 mens names, decided to play soccer, a sport that he figured no one would ever find him in. Soon he realized he was getting good. This led to some groupie love.

Well, last night, Florian Wylie met a young lady after practice. They began the act of love in a portapotty near a fair that was in town. Love, along with the stench of diarrea that only fair cheese curds could cause, was in the air. After a few short seconds, the woman proclaimed his formidable loving, but said his stamina was weak. A problem he knew of. But now the big question came. The one he has had to ask himself for a long time now. Was she his sister? After covering all 609 names on his list, he determined it was his sister. As he thought to himself, after 50 times, I swore I would ask before hand. But then he thought I am in Fargo, it can't be that bad, can it?

[Poli]

I celebrate the fact I hurt your players!

[The Afoci]

The Afoci sits crying in the corner of a dimly lit room. It wasn't because they beat a team 10-0. It wasn't because of the tear in his pants. It was because of his run for Canadian National Coach and the outcome. Zero Votes!

Expect him to be around soon.

[Poli]

Undefeated!!

[The Afoci]

Training went okay as I got another excellent. I am running short on time right now, but look for updates early next week again.

[Poli]

Inconceivable!

[The Afoci]

A year in review!

The Crawfish finished second. North Dakota was defeated.

Thank you.

[Poli]

About 6 words too many.

[Poli]

Where's your boy, Marmel, been lately?

[The Afoci]

I don't know. Marmel has been quiet as of late. I think he is having tons of fun with FBCB and no longer cares as much about the Crawfish. My lack of updates probably didn't help either.

[Poli]

That and the fact you don't know what you're talking about.

[The Afoci]

It was a cold night when The Afoci vanished. He had nothing left. Except his soccer team and North Dakota. And that was pretty much all he had to begin with. So why did he vanish? Well that is a question best answered by me. Who am I you may ask? Well... Soon you will all find out why The Afoci vanished. And with that, you will know me.

[Poli]

Originally posted by The Afoci
It was a cold night when The Afoci vanished. He had nothing left. Except his soccer team and North Dakota. And that was pretty much all he had to begin with. So why did he vanish? Well that is a question best answered by me. Who am I you may ask? Well... Soon you will all find out why The Afoci vanished. And with that, you will know me.

I hope you don't mean I'll "know" you in a biblical sense.

What the heck's up with this last post, anyway? It's not part of the script you sent me!

[The Afoci]

Originally posted by ardent enthusiast
I hope you don't mean I'll "know" you in a biblical sense.

What the heck's up with this last post, anyway? It's not part of the script you sent me!

Oh, trust me, you will all know.

Hey, ardent, it isn't in the script because I decided I need a week off to reset the Crawfish writing team. Plus I am trying to build some tensions on what is going to happen next.

[Poli]

Originally posted by The Afoci
I need a week off to reset the Crawfish writing team.

Ah, so you're trying to reset me...

[Poli]

Originally Posted by The Afoci

NCR's Lose!

Due to an all-day shower, 1307 paying spectators got to see a match on a pitch-turned-bog at Dave Sumner-Raider Field. Raiders started off with a 3-4-3 lineup. Lineup: Neto - Lyon, Dailey, Hutton - Crawley "I wish I was a Crawfish", Tullblom, Worrall, Wiles - Wagner, Pritchard, Womack.

Fighting had chosen a strategic 3-5-2 formation. They fielded: Denney - Cherry, Kearsey, de Oliveira - Uddstad, Singletary, Wylie, Frahm, Rossi - Popella, Jones.

Counter-attacking seemed to be the preferred strategy of Raiders, and they seem weak at it which is to be expected. Some quick foot work on the left side of the field in the 25:th minute left Fighting´s Elijah Jones completely free to score. 0 - 1 for the visitors. Michael Dailey of Raiders received a yellow card in the 27:th minute for unsportsmanlike behaviour when he was dry humping a ref. After 38 minutes a combination in the middle resulted in a through ball for Taylor Singletary who increased Fighting´s lead to 0 - 2. Raiderss Raymond Womack went wide in the 38:th minute, recieving a brilliant pass slicing through the visiting teams central defense line after letting a wretchedly divine fart, putting the 1 - 2 goal away. The referee showed Raiderss Raymond Womack the yellow card after a particularly nasty smell that many believe may have been "wet". Fighting were forced to a substitution as João Fernando de Oliveira couldn´t continue playing due to the rough treatment from the NCR thugs. The referee showed Fightings Taylor Singletary the yellow card after a particularly nasty challenge that resulted in a Crawfish on the Sack of Ardent! He appeared to like it. After 43 minutes a combination in the middle resulted in a through ball for Albert Frahm who increased Fighting´s lead to 1 - 3. In the to 43rd minute a very unfortunate collision in the home teams penalty area led to Fighting´s Christian Rossi being carried off the pitch and replaced by Mikael Apelerberg. 1 - 3 was the half-time score. Raiders held the ball, with a clear 52 percent possession rate.

Raiders had a nice free kick routine in the 55:th minute that was very close to paying off, had it not been for a dramatic save by the visitors keeper. The referee showed Fightings Ruud Ranta the yellow card after a particularly nasty challenge. The home crowd was given a certain amount of consolation when Albert Pritchard, after a brilliant midfield combination, put the reducing 2 - 3 goal away for Raiders. Elijah Jones increased the visitors lead by putting a volley shot away on a pass from the right. 2 - 4. He then screamed "This is for the fallen Crawfish!" The boggy pitch disrupted the game, especially for technical players like Franz-Bernd Popella whose skills weren´t made justice at all. Raiders held the ball, with a clear 56 percent possession rate.

The most dominating Raiders player was without a doubt Bob Wiles. Dan Wagner on the other hand, had a terrible day. The most dominating Fighting player was without a doubt Mikael Apelerberg. However, Elijah Jones made a disastrous appearance. The match ends 2 - 4.



That is all.

Bump. You're running in Canada. Or is that "to" Canada?