The Bill Gates Challenge, Part VIII: Blaze Of Glory

[Kodos]

Jeb “Murph” McMurphy was drunk as a monkey. Yes, technically, it was his job to sell the Bud Light to the fine citizens who had descended upon Texas Stadium to take in the spectacle of the Monster Truck Mega Madness Extravaganza, but, just between you and me, ol’ Murph wasn’t above sampling a can or two himself for quality control purposes during the festivities. Sometimes, the samples were all that could help him get through the day, and today’s shift had been particularly taxing for him. Thanks to the clouds of the sickening exhaust fumes that issued forth from the roaring Monster Trucks, Murph found himself nursing a real doozy of a headache. It felt like Mister Big, today’s top-billed Monster, had been tearing around in his head all afternoon.

Still, the event was winding down, and his shift was mercifully over. It was a good thing, too, because he had drank … errr … sold his last Bud Light about half an hour ago. Now, all he wanted was to turn in his stuff and escape for the day before the crowd headed for the exits.

After settling up with Mr. Wampler, his manager at the distribution office, Murph stepped out into the side hallway and saw that the throngs of fans were already clogging the tunnels that led to the exits. Dang! He was too late. Now, the mens room was certain to have lines, and poor Murph needed to relieve himself in a big way. A man’s bladder can only hold so much recycled beer.

Not wanting to have to wait in line with everyone else, Murph turned back down the narrow side passage that he was in, and walked past the door of the distribution office. Mr. Wampler had been heading into the can with the newspaper when Murph had left him a minute ago, and Murph knew how long Mr. Wampler could be when he was on the crapper.

The passage in front of him was not well lit, but considering his aching head, the dim lighting was a plus. He made his way down the hall, and after he rounded a corner, Murph spotted a door simply marked “Janitor”. He tried the doorknob, but it was locked. Without much hope of success, he fished out his key to the workers’ entrance from his pocket, and jiggled it around in the lock. After a few moments, he felt the lock turn. Bingo! The sound of the door unlocking filled him with a moment of guilt, and he nervously glanced down the hall to make sure that no one was watching him. The coast was clear, so he pulled the dangling chain to turn on the light inside, and stepped into the small room, pulling the door shut behind him. Glancing around, he saw a few brooms and buckets and some shelves with cleaning supplies, but to his disappointment, there was no toilet. The sink to his right would just have to do, seeing as it was an emergency.

Still feeling woozy from the exhaust fumes, Murph placed his right hand on the wall above the sink to brace himself as he stood on his tiptoes and peed. To his surprise, the wall seemed to give way just a little bit, but Murph told himself that it was probably just his imagination at work. That, or maybe the alcohol.

To his left, he heard a heavy scraping noise, and, careful to keep himself aimed at the sink, he slowly turned his head to see what was making the noise. To his surprise, the wall had swung open like a door, revealing a low-ceilinged cement stairway which sloped down steeply from the small room that he was standing in.

“What the heck?” he said, trying to see into the shadows that fell beyond the circle of light from the fixture above his head. His curiosity aroused, he zipped himself up about half way, and took a couple of tentative steps towards the dark corridor. His body now blocking most of his light, Murph strained to see where the stairs went.

“Is that a…?” he muttered to himself as he gingerly stepped down the first couple of stairs, his eyes squinting into the darkness. Behind him, he heard the heavy scraping noise again, and just like that, what little light he'd had was gone.

“Oh no,” he whispered, his voice echoing softly into the unseen depths in front of him.

[Kodos]

There’s something about knowing that you are more likely than not going to be fired that lends you an unusual degree of freedom to do whatever the hell you please. If your job is almost certainly going to be lost, why not just go ahead and fuck things up royally before you go? After all, nothing to lose means that there are no consequences for your actions.

Coming in to the 2017 NFL season, I knew that there was but one way to save my oily hide: My beloved Gatesville Silicon Pirates, who I had built into a powerhouse over the last decade-and-a-half, would have to win the Super Bowl. Thanks to Bill’s financial line in the sand (which the team would inevitably cross by season’s end), anything short of a Super Bowl victory would send me to the unemployment lines sometime in January 2018, maybe earlier. Oh sure, there were some in the press who had suggested that if I purged the roster of expensive players and cut corners financially, I might be able to slow the financial bleeding enough to survive for a few more seasons in Gatesville, but in my mind, I was damned if I was going to dismantle the team that I had poured my heart and soul into just to save my ass. As George Bush, Sr., used to be fond of saying: “Not gonna do it.”

And so, even as we celebrated in the locker room following our third Super Bowl victory in four seasons, I had made up my mind that if my days as GM of the Silicon Pirates were coming to an end, I was gonna do my best to go out in a blaze of glory.

[Kodos]

For those of you who might be unfamiliar with The Bill Gates Challenge, it is the story of my quest as GM of Bill Gates’ Gatesville Silicon Pirates to drive the despicable Jerry Jones and his loathsome Dallas Cowboys out of the state of Texas. “America’s Team,” my ass. It was my blinding hatred for the Cowboys that got me to join up with Microsoft’s egomaniac founder in the beginning, and now, as I found my time as GM possibly nearing an end, it was the chance to strike at the Cowboys that kept me by Bill Gates’ side.

Links to the seven previous installments of the saga can be found below.

Part I: In The Beginning...

Part II: Don't Mess With Texas!

Part III: A New Hope

Part IV: The Lords Of The Rings?

Part V: Big Trouble In Little Texas...

Part VI: Flirting With Destiny

Part VII: The Return!

[Fonzie]

WOOHOO!!

[JeeberD]

Jerry Jones is Batman?!?!?

[Godzilla Blitz]

Somehow I think Murph may be in a bit of trouble, but what kind could it be? What could possibly be under Texas Stadium? Humm...

As always, looking forward to this! Pefect timing, too, with training camps up and running!

Go Pirates!

[fantastic flying froggies]

Yes, the Pirates are back !

Go Kodos !

[robbgmaier]

HOLY SHIT - something to read instead of vexroid gloating about beating my poor ears

[tucker342]

YES!!!! IT'S BACK

[Fonzie]

Originally posted by Godzilla Blitz
Somehow I think Murph may be in a bit of trouble, but what kind could it be? What could possibly be under Texas Stadium? Humm...

I'm guessing it's a staircase whose darkened last step plummets one into the unhappy end of a giant meat grinder.

Mmmm....gristly.

[Kodos]

Texas Stadium employee missing; authorities baffled
By R.I. Predmore, A.P.

Thursday, March 19th

Irving, Texas - Local authorities are searching for clues in the mysterious disappearance of Jebidiah McMurphy, a beer vendor contracted to work at entertainment events held in Texas Stadium. McMurphy, 52, was reportedly last seen by his manager, Mr. Wayne Wampler, shortly after his shift ended at the popular Thirteenth Annual Monster Truck Mega Madness Extravaganza, which was held at Texas Stadium on Saturday the 14th.

Mr. Wampler, in a press conference held at Irving P.D. headquarters, told reporters that he attempted to reach Mr. McMurphy at his home phone number on Monday the 16th after McMurphy failed to show up for a staff meeting. Wampler further stated that he alerted Irving P.D. of McMurphy's disappearance after he failed to show up for his scheduled shift on Wednesday for the M.C. Hammer/Boyz II Men concert.

Irving P.D. Chief Leon Lett, a former member of the Dallas Cowboys football team, reported that an investigation of Mr. McMurphy's apartment had yielded no signs of foul play, and that the investigation into McMurphy's disappearance was ongoing. Lett told reporters: "I am baffled by this disappearance. But don't be alarmed; I am frequently baffled." Authorities have also investigated Texas Stadium for clues in the case, but were unable to turn up any evidence of foul play.

When asked to comment about McMurphy's disappearance, Jerry Jones, owner of the Dallas Cowboys and Texas Stadium, stated: "I know Jebidiah personally, and I can tell you that nobody is more concerned about his welfare than I am. Mr. McMurphy unfortunately does have a history of drinking problems, but I join everyone else in praying that his disappearance is only temporary, and that he will return to us healthy and sober in the near future."

[DeToxRox]

See what happens Kodos? You go and mess with the Cowboys, so now Jerry Jones has the Baylor Basketball team on you.

[Kodos]

[DeToxRox]

And I see an MC Hammer/Boyz II Men concert reference in there?!

Forget Baylor, Tupac's killer is still out there!

[Kodos]

The 2017 Offeason

The year 2017 saw the NFL expand to a 36-team format, with six divisions comprised of six teams each. One of those teams, the Nebraska Blizzards, joined our Silicon Pirates in the NFC East after Los Angeles’ bid for a franchise fell through following the death of billionaire Chad Dunswick. Dunswick, the chief financier behind the bid, died in a single-car accident shortly before the announcement of the recipients of the 35th and 36th NFL franchises. The Grand Rapids Wildcats joined the NFC Central as the NFL’s 36th franchise.

Coach/Scout Signing Period:

We entered the coach signing period looking to unload the painfully inept Irv Saxon, whose hiring had been predicated more on his price tag than on his skills as an NFL coach. With the need to save money no longer an issue, I was free to dump him in favor of someone who wasn’t underqualified to coach a peewee football team. While we had won a Super Bowl with Irv at the controls, it had been more in spite of him than because of him.

His replacement came in the form of fifty-year-old Justin McCormick, an offensive-minded coach who had compiled a 38-29 record in Jacksonville, with 3 playoff appearances to his credit. In Week 2 of the coach signing period, McCormick agreed to join us for a 5-year deal worth $15 million. Each season.

Justin McCormick
 
Age:            50
Record:         38-29 (.567)
Playoffs:       3
Bowls:          0
 
QBs:            Excellent
RBs:            Very Good
WRs:            Good
OL:             Very Good
DL:             Very Good
LBs:            Very Good
Secondary:      Fair
Kickers:        Very Good
Young Players:  Fair
Motivation:     Good
Discipline:     Very Good
Offense PC:     Poor
Defense PC:     Very Good
Injuries:       Good

Of course, I never considered replacing our beloved scout, Kyle Diaz.

[Kodos]

2017 Ticket Prices:

The Cowboys, coming off of their mildly successful 2016 season, decided that it was a good time to reward their loyal fans with a generous price hike. Seeing an opportunity to lure away hordes of disillusioned Cowboys fans, I slashed our ticket prices by 20 percent across the board, despite the fact that we were coming off of our third Super Bowl victory in four seasons. Surely, this would bring some angry Cowboys fans into the fold, and send our ticket sales through the roof. Why, it wasn’t at all hard for me to imagine the price cut leading to our first ever sellout in Gatesville! Does an alien dare to dream such a beautiful thing?

         
                Dallas   Gatesville
            2016  2017    2017
Upper Deck  $65   $70     $52
End zone     68    74      54
Mezzanine    87    92      69
Sidelines   131   135     104
Seat Lic.     0     0       0
Club seats    0     0       0
Luxury box    0     0       0

[Kodos]

Retirements

Longtime Cowboy QB Roosevelt Murray hung up his cleats following the end of the 2016 season. Buh-bye.

[Godzilla Blitz]

Watch out for McCormick's playcalling! I've heard he gets a bit baffled, just like Leon!

[Nyarlahotep]

Originally posted by DeToxRoxDVHStyle
Forget Baylor, Tupac's killer is still out there!

Tupac isn't dead.

And its great to have your dynasty going again Kodos

[SuburbanPimp]

OH MY GAWD!! OH MY GAWD!! OH MY GAWD!! OH MY GAWD!! First Redskins training camp starts, and now THE PIRATES ARE BACK!!

CAN LIFE GET ANY BETTER?! I SUBMIT THAT IT CANNOT!!

[Kodos]

Thanks, guys!

More to come tomorrow, including actual football-related entries.

[JeeberD]

Who cares about football, I wanna know what's in Texas Stadium's basement!!!

Wait, I just figured it out. It's Pee Wee Herman's bicycle, isn't it? Damn psychic got the Alamo and Texas Stadium mixed up...

[Kodos]

There's no basement at the Alamo!

[Nyarlahotep]

Originally posted by Kodos
There's no basement at the Alamo!

I see you missed the Geraldo Rivera special (turned out to be more of a crawl space than a basement).

[Kodos]

The 2017 Expansion Draft

Exposed Players:

I saw the 2017 expansion draft as an opportunity to unload some of our expensive older players and help out our salary cap, as well as help the Pirates get younger. With that in mind, I exposed the following five players:

First on my list was offensive tackle James Pond. Now entering his 13th season in the league, we had selected Pond with the third overall pick in the draft out of California Poly-SLO back in 2005. While Pond had long been a good player for us, he had never been great, and now he was just too expensive for us to keep. He was scheduled to make $5.5 million in 2017, plus a $1.82 million bonus. 2018 would see his base salary rise to $6.2 million. Clearly this was too much to pay a guy who was not even a starter.

Second on the hit list was linebacker Terrance Fuller, who we had lured away from the Cowboys back in 2014. Now entering his 12th season, Fuller had outlived his usefulness as a player, and his $4.62 million salary-plus-bonus cap hit was just too much for me to justify his continued employment as a Silicon Pirate.

The other guys we exposed to the expansion draft were not high-salary guys, but were players who were notable mostly for their total lack of skill on the football field. Tight end Edwin Burgess, running back Brant Connor, and center Wes Diggs were all young guys who were nice enough fellas, but who, for lack of a better way of putting it, just plain sucked at football. With a little luck, one of the expansion teams would take one of them off of our hands.

Jerry Jones and the Cowboys “braintrust” (I use the term loosely, of course) elected to expose the following five players:

1. Dale Corbett, WR, $4.65 million + $3.26 million bonus. Corbett had been around for 9 seasons, and caught 63 passes for 807 yards and 6 TDs in 2016.

2. Zach Emmons, DE, $720,000 + $200,000 bonus.

3. Bruce Leatherwood, LB, $1.83 million + $370,000 bonus. This is the guy who our scout Kyle Diaz once described as “having no real strengths to speak of”.

4. Daniel Moss, TE, $3.24 million + $470,000 bonus.

5. Walt Reilly, QB, $5.25 million + $4.76 million bonus.

[Kodos]

2017 Expansion Draft Results:

1. James Pond, T, (GTV) Grand Rapids
9. Terrance Fuller, LB, (GTV) Grand Rapids
46. Daniel Moss, TE, (DAL) Nebraska
49. Brant Connor, RB, (GTV) Grand Rapids

The good news was that we unloaded our two main targets, Pond and Fuller, as well as one of the talentless wonders. The better news was that poor, stupid Jerry was still stuck with the expensive-yet-worthless Walt Reilly after the expansion draft. What a shame.

[Kodos]

2017 Free Agency Period:

We began free agency with 45 guys under contract and $19.44 million to play with beneath the $148.9 million salary cap. Players from the 2016 roster who were now free agents included starting running back Herb Matthews, starting right cornerback Mike Eagle, and backup receiver Dale Newman.

Obviously, Herb Matthews was the biggest Pirate without a contract in the offseason. Coming off of a 2016 season in which he had been a second team all pro selection at running back, his salary demands were predictably sky high. By asking for $52.58 million over 4 years with a $10.52 million bonus, Matthews effectively priced himself out of our range. In Week 11, the expansion Nebraska Blizzards signed Matthews to a 4-year, $51.62 million offer. In accepting the Blizzards offer, Matthews had turned down a 5-year, $82 million offer from the Eagles.

Starting right cornerback Mike Eagle, who was fair but by no means better than average as a corner, asked us for $35.93 million over 3 years, with a $5.91 million bonus. We told him good luck and let his 35 tackles and 13 assists with no interceptions from 2016 walk out the door. He eventually signed on with the Seahawks in Week 14 for $26.20 million over 3 years.

Cowboy Huntin’

Once again, there were slim pickings out there as far as former Cowboys to lure away. Tight end Julio Weaver, who caught 27 passes for 208 yards and 1 TD in 2016 was the only mildly interesting guy, but we ultimately decided to pass on him.

Renegotiations:

With no Cowboys out there worth stealing, and with Bill’s rule of only being able to pursue former Cowboys in free agency still in effect, I set about the task of re-signing some of our own guys. Here’s the list of starters who got new deals.

Gene Flannery, center, 3 years, $16.42 million, $2.5 million bonus.

Rusty Pleasant, left guard, 3 years, $11.67 million, $4.0 million bonus.

Albert Alexander, left tackle, 3 years, $19.56 million, $1.92 million bonus.

Broderick Hidalgo, kicker, 3 years, $5.59 million, $1.44 million bonus.

Joel Harden, left cornerback, 3 years, $17.12 million, $6.0 million bonus.

Dave Sanders, free safety, 3 years, $12.52 million, $1.92 million bonus.

The following guys were entering the final year of their contracts, but I ultimately decided not to extend their current deals.

Al Ingram, SILB, who was entering his 14th season in Gatesville.

Mitchell Horner, our oft-disgruntled second tight end.

Kerry Ondre, our top backup QB.

More Jerry Jones Tom-Foolery

Once again displaying a distinct lack of respect for my basic intelligence level, J.J. offered me safety Shawn Treadway and a third round pick in exchange for local favorite Chuck Farley. Needless to say, I told him in no uncertain terms where he could shove his offer. I can't even imagine the uproar that would have come out from "the compound" had I accepted.

[Kodos]

Can the alien save his job?

Take the poll!

[korme]

is it just me, or can kodos write a helluva dynasty?

kudos to chris "shoulda been kang" (to avoid confusion, yet stirring up new confusion all at the same time)

[cthomer5000]

The greatest dynasty returns. You HAVE to win the super bowl.

[Kodos]

Thanks, Shorty! Sometimes you're pretty nice, for a Bengals fan.

[Kodos]

Gatesville GM Questioned in McMurphy Disappearance
By R.I. Predmore, A.P.

Saturday, March 21st

Gatesville, Texas - Reportedly acting on an anonymous phone call, detectives investigating the recent disappearance of Texas Stadium worker Jebidiah McMurphy questioned Gatesville Silicon Pirates GM Kodos in his office at Microsoft Stadium for over an hour on Friday afternoon.

When asked by reporters if Kodos was a possible suspect in the disappearance, Irving police chief Leon Lett replied "I can verify that the alien... err ... Mister Kodos, was interviewed, but is not at this time considered to be a suspect in the disappearance of Jebidiah McMurphy." Lett declined to answer further questions.

Kodos, an alien from the planet Rigel IV who claims to be 163 Earth years old, is the General Manager of the NFL Gatesville Silicon Pirates. The Pirates, under Kodos' control since he was hired by Microsoft CEO Bill Gates in the spring of 2000, were formerly known as the New York Giants until the year 2007, when Kodos collaborated with Gates to move the team to its current location in the town formerly known as Waco, Texas. Shortly thereafter, Gates paid the citizens of Waco $6.62 billion in exchange for the right to rename the town "Gatesville."

The acrimonious relationship between Gates and Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones has been well documented both in the press and on ESPN. In the spring of 2000, Jones turned down a reported $1 billion offer from Gates to purchase the Cowboys. Soon afterward, Gates hired Kodos, who worked closely with Gates in the purchase of the Giants and their subsequent move to Texas.

When asked late Friday night if he was involved in the disappearance of McMurphy, Kodos replied "Absolutely not," before entering his car.

Phone calls placed to the residence of Kodos were not answered.

[DeToxRox]

Chuck Farley need's a clothing line.

[JAG]

Originally posted by Kodos

Phone calls placed to the residence of Kodos were not answered.

Does 10-10-321 still only cost 99 cents for interplanetary calls?

[WussGawd]

Originally posted by Kodos
Kodos, an alien from the planet Rigel IV who claims to be 163 Earth years old, is the General Manager of the NFL Gatesville Silicon Pirates. The Pirates, under Kodos' control since he was hired by Microsoft CEO Bill Gates in the spring of 2000, were formerly known as the New York Giants until the year 2007, when Kodos collaborated with Gates to move the team to its current location in the town formerly known as Waco, Texas. Shortly thereafter, Gates paid the citizens of Waco $6.62 billion in exchange for the right to rename the town "Gatesville."

This paragraph in particular, and your dynasty in general makes me laugh out loud.

[Grid Iron]

The Cowboy

And the Cowboy, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
On the pallid bust of Jerry Jones just above the secret chamber door;
And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is dreaming
And the lamp-light o'er him streaming throws his shadows on the floor;
And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor
Shall be lifted--nevermore!

RIP, Jeb "Murph" McMurphy

[Kodos]

Nice Simpsons/Poe reference, Grid Iron!

[Kodos]

I have to admit that I was more than a little aggravated when the detectives from Irving P.D. showed up for a surprise visit at the office. While I, just like everyone else in Texas, had been following the story, and was hoping that the McMurphy fella would turn up unharmed, it pissed me off that they seemed to think that I was somehow involved. First, I certainly have better things to do than go to monster truck events, and second, I wasn't anywhere near Irving on the night that the guy disappeared. As I told the detectives, I was with head scout Kyle Diaz preparing for the upcoming draft on the night in question. When I asked them why they thought I might have any information or insight into the matter at all, they just said that somebody had phoned in a tip, and that they were just trying to check out any possible leads. Eventually, after an hour or so, they must have gotten tired of questioning a witness who clearly knew nothing, and they left.

Annoyed and tired, I went back to preparing for draft day after they left.

[Kodos]

2017 Draft

During the next few weeks, the whole McMurphy story died down a bit. Irving P.D. had exhausted what little they had in the way of leads, and without new information to report, the press had slowly moved on to other stories.

March soon gave way to April, and with April came the draft. In preparing for the 2017 draft, Kyle Diaz and I found ourselves with some important holes to fill. With the departure of Herb Matthews at RB, we needed to bring in somebody to compete with Lonnie Ruiter for the starting running back job. Also, we needed to find a replacement at right cornerback for the departed Mike Eagle. Our third most pressing need was to find a linebacker to replace Terrance Fuller.

We came in with the following picks: 1(36), 2(36), 3(36), 4(36), 5(36), 6(19, 36), & 7(36).

Our first pick was cornerback Ralph Scurlock out of Texas Tech. While not outstanding in any one area, Scurlock had solid hands, good endurance, and was decent against the run.

Next, we chose running back Dominic Hernandez out of San Jose State. A 5’10”, 211-pound back, Hernandez looked to be good on third down, had decent hands, and was in good shape endurance-wise.

There were no linebackers who represented a good value in the third round, so we opted instead for Sammie Atwood, a 6’2”, 279-pound defensive tackle who had been a teammate of first-rounder Ralph Scurlock at Texas Tech.

Here’s how the rest of our draft class looked:

Rnd 1 - Ralph Scurlock, CB, Texas Tech
Rnd 2 - Dominic Hernandez, RB, San Jose State
Rnd 3 - Sammie Atwood, DT, Texas Tech
Rnd 4 - Buddy Perron, RB, Washington
Rnd 5 - Jake Ingram, RB, Prairie View A&M
Rnd 6 - K.C. Hilliard, WR, Southern Methodist
Rnd 6 - Toby Graham, WR, Auburn
Rnd 7 - Oliver Szporluk, QB, Southern Illinois

[DataKing]

Originally posted by Kodos
Once again displaying a distinct lack of respect for my basic intelligence level, J.J. offered me safety Shawn Treadway and a third round pick in exchange for local favorite Chuck Farley. Needless to say, I told him in no uncertain terms where he could shove his offer. I can't even imagine the uproar that would have come out from "the compound" had I accepted.

I think it's safe to assume that Kodos would have found himself slowly roasting at some sort of Texas BBQ event, or worse...

At any rate, I'm glad to see that Chuck U. and the others are back, if only for one last, glorious season.

[Kodos]

Thanks, DK! But we're planning for more than just 1 year. You just gotta believe, baby!

[Kodos]

Hey Leon - Arrest the Alien Already!

By Bibi Gunn, Weekly World News

Hey, Idiot! Yes, I’m talking to you, Chief Lett-‘Em-Get-Away-With-It! Ya know, we all thought you were pretty stupid when you were a football player, but your on-field stupidity is proving to be no match for your off-field imbecility! Confused? I thought so. Here, I’ll go real slow and use small words so you can follow me.

Let me connect the dots. A good, honest, hard-working American turns up missing. Your flunky detectives search for days, but can’t locate even a single fingerprint at McMurphy’s home, or at Texas Stadium. You wanna know why? IT’S BECAUSE THE FRIGGIN’ ALIEN DID IT! Comprendo, ya moron?!? ALIENS DON’T HAVE FINGERS!! THAT’S WHY THEY DON’T LEAVE FINGERPRINTS!!! Why don’t ya grow a brain and start looking for some tentacle prints, or maybe a trail of slime, or **shudder** a pool of drool.

Can somebody please explain to me where exactly the great mystery is here? Why haven’t they arrested this interstellar perpetrator? This hideous, one-eyed, drooling abomination with nightmarish green skin comes flying to Earth from some god-forsaken planet way out in B.F.E., starts oozing vile fluids all over God’s Great Earth, makes a general menace of himself (oops, I’m sorry, herself, as if anyone can tell), joins forces with America’s slimiest Bill-ionaire, and devotes his entire blasphemous existence to harassing one of our finest citizens, the kind and generous Jerry Jones.

Why hasn’t somebody put an end to this?! Why hasn’t this thing been arrested, or better yet, shot?!? Hey Leon, don’t fumble the ball this time! Arrest Kodos before we ALL turn up missing!

[Kodos]

My old pal Bibi’s nasty little column in The Weekly World News didn’t alter the fact that there was absolutely no evidence that I had been involved in McMurphy’s disappearance, but the dearth of evidence against me did little to quell the firestorm of fear and anger that was directed at me after it was published. Suddenly, hysterically sobbing mothers could be seen on every news channel wringing their hands and begging for me to be put away ”for the sake of the children”, and toothless old men could be heard in every smoke-filled diner vigorously debating about what would be the most fitting way to execute me. After a decade of being a basically decent, well-liked citizen in the Gatesville area, I found myself transformed overnight into the object of an outpouring of hatred which reached levels that had heretofore been reserved for people who clubbed cute little seal pups for a living.

As soon as they opened up for business, employees working in our ticketing office found themselves besieged with calls from outraged season-ticket holders who demanded their money back. What had been a very promising offseason as far as ticket sales were concerned quickly spiraled into total disaster. Looking back, I’m amazed that Bill didn’t cut me loose right then and there. Instead, Bill, along with many others in our organization, including Chuck Farley, Berg, and Kyle Diaz, publicly professed his belief in my innocence. At the time, I thought that maybe Bill had defended me only because Bibi had called him slimy, but looking back now, I’m not so sure. Maybe, somewhere deep inside, Bill might have been an okay guy after all…

[Godzilla Blitz]

Man, that Bibi is such a smart-ass, know-it-all Bitch. With a capital B. Watch out for that one, Kodos! Her pen draws blood.

[Kodos]

Weeks passed, and slowly the whole controversy died down to an awkward but bearable public mistrust that was directed toward me. I did my best to lay low, and for the most part, I was left alone after a while. Sure, there were still some who insisted that I should be arrested, but for the most part, cooler heads eventually prevailed in light of the lack of evidence against me. At one point, an “anonymous worker” had leaked to the Weekly World News that he had seen me in and around Texas Stadium before and after McMurphy’s disappearance, but Irving P.D. Chief Lett said he couldn’t consider evidence from a witness that hadn’t spoken directly to him, and the “anonymous worker” refused to come forward.


2017 Training Camp


Training camp presented a welcome distraction for me. For his first time around leading a training camp in Gatesville, Coach McCormick devoted a good deal of time to working on our special skills, such as the two minute drill, red zone efficiency, third-and-short situations, and the kicking game. On offense, he elected not to deviate from what we were already good at, so he split time equally between the I, Strong, and Singleback formations. On defense, we kept the 3-4 and the nickel as our main sets, while we focused a good bit of effort on both man and zone coverage schemes as well. As in years passed, we left out the dime and 4-3 formations.

Breakouts/Busts

There were no real surprises in camp, although second year receiver Artie Furman had himself a nice enough showing to move into the starting flanker position in place of the injured Earl Thornton. Thornton, who was still on the mend from a torn rotator cuff suffered in the 2016 campaign, was projected to return around midseason. Berg looked good as always, while Chuck Farley showed no signs of slowing down entering his eleventh season. Young WILB Sam Viola continued to make good progress, even as his mentor Al Ingram was starting to show signs that he was perhaps nearing the end of his great career for the Pirates.

Position/Player         Current Est  Future Est     Exp   Sgnd
  QB  Devin Bergeron               19          19       8   2018   
  QB  Dana Alston                   7          10       5   2019   
  QB  Oliver Szporluk               3           8       1   2019   
  RB  Lonnie Ruiter                 9          11       2   2019   
  RB  Dominic Hernandez             9           9       1   2020   
  RB  Buddy Perron                  9           9       1   2018   
  RB  Jake Ingram                   7           7       1   2019   
  FB  Levon Wallace                12          12       9   2018   
  FB  Hardy O'Neill                 8           8       1   2023   
  TE  Chuck Farley                 17          17      11   2019   
  TE  Mitchell Horner              10          11       3   2017   
  TE  Charlie Bryant                3           8       1   2023   
  WR  Earl Thornton                12          13       6   2019   
  WR  Ralph Randle                 11          11       7   2019   
  WR  Artie Furman                 11          12       2   2019   
  WR  Ty Robbins                   10          12       6   2019   
  WR  Antoine Dugans                7           7       4   2020   
  WR  Scott Cooley                  6           6       2   2022   
  WR  K.C. Hilliard                 6           6       1   2018   
   C  Gene Flannery                15          15       4   2019   
   C  Donnie Langford               9          13       2   2018   
   C  Wes Diggs                     7          10       2   2022   
   G  Rusty Pleasant               18          18      12   2019   
   G  Zack Terrell                 11          11       2   2019   
   G  Darren Cruise                11          11      14   2018   
   G  Ellis McCreary                7          10       2   2022   
   G  Anthony Boone                 5           8       1   2023   
   T  Albert Alexander             15          17       3   2019   
   T  Terrance Read                12          13       9   2018   
   T  Jerry Crawford                4           7       1   2023   
   P  Frankie Branch               15          15       2   2018   
   K  Broderick Hidalgo            17          18      12   2019   
  DE  Frankie Farley                5           7       5   2019   
  DE  Nate Ackerman                 3           4       1   2023   
  DE  Will Rison                    3           7       2   2022   
  DT  Jose Mason                    9           9       3   2021   
  DT  Dusty Szilter                 9           9       3   2021   
  DT  Sammie Atwood                 7           7       1   2019   
  DT  Paul Everett                  6           8       5   2019   
  LB  Sam Viola                    12          16       3   2019   
  LB  Al Ingram                     9          10      14   2017   
  LB  Kurt Robertson                9          13       2   2019   
  LB  Dexter Mincy                  7           9       3   2018   
  LB  Arnold Marshall               5          10       2   2022   
  LB  Norbert Holmes                4           7       3   2021   
  CB  Joel Harden                  14          14      12   2019   
  CB  Ralph Scurlock                8           9       1   2020   
  CB  Ernest Rodgers                5           5       2   2022   
  CB  Matt Douglas                  3           8       2   2018   
   S  Dave Sanders                 16          17       9   2019   
   S  Alan Hines                    8           8       3   2021   
   S  Timothy Whalen                6           9       2   2022   
   S  Isaac Shaye                  5          11       2   2022

[Kodos]

Originally posted by Godzilla Blitz
Man, that Bibi is such a smart-ass, know-it-all Bitch. With a capital B. Watch out for that one, Kodos! Her pen draws blood.

I have to agree with you, Blitz. I don't know why she has it in for me, but she is definitely anti-alienite.

[illinifan999]

So what that your an alien. Do what all Americans do! SUE HER!!!

[Buzzbee]

Hmmm. Saw this story about a body being dug up near Chicago stadium. Hmmm.

Was Kodos ever in Chicago???

[Kodos]

I'm innocent! I swear!!!

[Nyarlahotep]

That's what they all say.