The Ultimate Complaint Letter

[Blackadar]

Below is a copy of a letter that won some sort of competition in UK as complaint letter of the year.

The letter was sent to NTL (to their complaints dept....).


Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for
your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this
three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had
not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity
of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details,
so that you can either pursue your professional perogative, and seek to
rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can
have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working
day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:
My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my
spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your
technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57
minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more
annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful
website....HOW?

I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes
- an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.
The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later,
although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -
such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem
had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem
arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.
I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours
between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am
still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my
mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a
variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly
skilled bollock jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows
whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off);
that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an
answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be
transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating
Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a
thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of
those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't
care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's
in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me,
therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were ****, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of godawful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more
disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to
their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't
anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered
to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless
shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of
distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.

British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons
of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless
inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and
foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that
you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for
the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to
deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and
disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused
rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my
cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for
both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not
become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the
time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did
not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them
the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless
employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you
irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.

John

[JonInMiddleGA]

Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you
irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.

By golly, that's almost worth putting on a CafePress t-shirt or something.

[wheels]

I was not aware of this definition (obviously more obscure in the U.S. than in the U.K.):

twat

n 1: a man who is a stupid incompetent fool [syn: fathead, goof, goofball, bozo, jackass, goose, cuckoo, zany]

[Wolfpack]

My wife picked up a misinterpretation of the word from her step-mother where it meant the fanny rather than what it's really come to mean. Therefore, she was rather surprised when she used it in how she thought it was to be used ("Get off of your...") and everyone reacted rather stunned when she did it. She has not been able to live it down from me since. (She still lapses into using it in her original understanding of it from time to time, which draws more needling from yours truly.)

[AlexB]

I was worried I had won a competition without being informed when I started reading this! ntl are the worst company I have ever had the misfortune of having to deal with, while not on the scale of the above letter, edited highlights below (it won't make a hell of a lot of sense as I've clipped the meat of what the problem was, which was basically being offered a service, a change of service, a cancellation, continuing to be charged, following advice on how to settle cancellation, receiving a legal letter as I;d cancelled ( ), not collecting their own equipment (all of which I still have as they still haven;t collected it!, etc..

After two months of apparently complete incompetence amongst your staff, I have received a second bill after I have supposedly terminated your service. While your product is good, your administration set-up appears to be terrible: therefore, after numerous assurances over the telephone that everything would be resolved, I will outline the situation in writing...

I sent an e-mail on Thursday 3rd March (I think) via your website outlining the above, and asking somebody to contact me by Monday 7th March to arrange setting up ntl Freedom, or otherwise I would assume you were not interested in my business and I would look elsewhere.

As nobody contacted me, I did indeed sign up with another company who appeared to be interested in their customers...

Last week I received a letter dated 19th April (also sent to my previous address) querying my direct debit cancellation, and asking me to contact ntl to confirm bank details, and my bill would be £2 a month more if not paid this way.

Obviously I called yet again, on Tuesday 26th April, to explain the situation: the first chap sounded very helpful (as do most of your telephone operatives) but said he would have to transfer me to cancellations. I stated my reluctance as your telephone system seems to cut me off on a regular basis, however he insisted and your system did indeed cut me off...

I am completely unimpressed by your service thus far, and would like to confirm (for the 5th time) the situation and ntl’s complete incompetence. It is a shame that your customer service is so poor, as the products you have are actually good – however I could never recommend the package because the lack of support or assistance outweighs the product benefits...


Edit: this got me thinking & I've just checked my old ntl e-mail account: still active! Depsite cancelling the service 5 months ago - I;ve moved most of my e-mail references, but not footballguys.com apparently, and I've got 116 daily updates to catch up on!