Dealing With Death

Vince · 03-24-2003, 03:55 PM

A few days ago, I found out that my best friend from high school died a few months ago. Since then, I haven't been able to do much without thinking about him. I get very sad, but I'm still able to go on with my life pretty normally...only those who know me very well, or hang out with me a lot even notice that anything is different. What's strange is although he was my best friend, and we spent nearly every day together for 3 years of high school, we never talked after that. Since the end of '99, I never really hung out with him and hardly ever talked to him. The last time I talked to him was nearly a year and a half ago. He died six months ago. This is still affecting me greatly, though.

What I'm wondering is, how have you all dealt with a death of someone important to you? I have never had to deal with anyone dying (I've got 4 grandparents and 2 great grandparents still kickin'), so this is a totally new experience for me. Is there anything that you have found helps? I know time is probably the only thing, but I don't want to keep getting all sad whenever I remember something that we used to do, or a place we used to go.

03-24-2003, 04:08 PM

Is there anything that you have found helps?

I can relate. My lifelong best friend died when I was 18. Although I was deeply saddened I never shed a tear. I am able to deal with death better than most because of two things I shift my thoughts to. One, we don't choose when we die. Another great power makes that decision for us all. Two, I always make myself remember how much better their new world is.

HornsManiac

Killebrew · 03-24-2003, 04:47 PM

Part of this experience is acceptance that this person is gone forever, and that is a tough pill to swallow at the best of times but especially if you have not allowed yourself a chance to grieve. Since you have found out long after the fact, that might makes things tougher in several ways. For one thing, you likely cannot share the pain of loss with other friends and family of this person. You might feel some kind of guilt for not keeping up with him or other mutual acquaintances. You also might feel hurt that no one thought to let you know earlier. Talking about these feelings with people you trust will probably help a lot, and that's much better than avoiding the issue completely. Do a google search for much more professional suggestions than I could provide, good luck

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sachmo71 · 03-24-2003, 04:59 PM

Vince,

Speaking from my own experience, I will give you what I know. I hope some of it helps.

When I was 18, my mother passed away from cancer. For a number of reasons, I learned how to deal with my problems in a very destructive way...I drank the pain away. I kept doing this until I was 28 years old. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCE SHOULD YOU TAKE THIS ROAD. Please believe me when I tell you that nothing will turn your life to shit faster than becoming a drunk, but it's very very easy to drink to hide pain. Not to mention socially acceptable. Try this instead.

Find someone who doesn't mind you sharing your feelings with them and just talk. Don't make a huge deal about it, just talk. Whether this is a girlfriend, parent, buddy or therapist just make sure it is someone that you trust to not judge you. Sometimes young guys view showing as emotion as a sign of weakness, so be careful with whom you talk to.
Just talking about it will help you work these feelings out and allow you to realize exactly WHAT they are. That may sound strange, but depression can often manifest itself in a number of different emotions, and if you work through them then you aren't holding them inside. I would recommend a therapist, because they are trained to get you to talk about things you may not want to.

Getting these feelings out will allow you to move on with your life without adding another weight to the many burdens that we all inevitably pick up in life. I had to find out the hard way and left a trail of broken relationships and empty beer cans behind me, and getting rid of these feelings once you have carried them for a long time is much harder than dealing with them straight on.

But the good news is that it will get better, and in no time you will find yourself feeling good about the memory of your friend, not feeling bad about unfinished business.

Dr. Phil signing off! Jeez!

Craptacular · 03-24-2003, 05:40 PM

Sachmo hit the nail on the head ... just get it out there! I wouldn't even restrict it to talking to someone. Write it down, type it up, do whatever, even if you never send it to anyone. Just get your feelings out somehow.

I'm "fortunate" that only one person close to me has died, my grandfather. However, there have been plenty of other situations in my life where I just needed to release, including when I witnessed the end of an accident and was the first on the scene when three kids drove under a semi at 80 mph last summer. One of the things that helped me was to collect my thoughts and write an email to friends and family that night, which I subsequently turned into a story I posted on the previous FOFC board. Sharing your thoughts with people close to you, or even people you've never met, can help you get through these times.

INDalltheway · 03-24-2003, 05:50 PM

Just Friday the 21st a highschool senior that I go to school with died in an auto accident. This kid wasn't the most popular kid, but everyone liked him and talked to him. As a Freshman I didn't really know him, but because I have a locker in the Senior "section" I always saw him and listened to him talk. It is so horrible to know that he has two sisters and two parents that loved him so much, and that they have to deal with his loss.

Today was the first day of school since the death. It was probably one of the worst and most sad school days ever. One of his sisters (she is in my grade) came to school today. I feel like she is the strongest person I know. I know for a fact that I wouldn't go to school for a week atleast if this happened to me.

When you see these things in the newspaper and television it doesn't seem like a big deal. But when it occurs in your town, and your school it really hits home. The whole weekend I just couldn't imagine what his sisters were going through. I can still see him standing by locker...

BigDPW · 03-24-2003, 06:04 PM

Grief is a process that is difficult to get through and while it is completely normal it is rather unpredictable in its course. I think the best thing to do is to just allow yourself to grieve. Cry when you feel you need to laugh when you need to and allow yourself to do what feels natural as long as it is not destructive or harmful in its nature.

As cheesy as it sounds I would really suggest journaling your thoughts and feelings in as coherent or noncoherent manner as you wish. I often have to force myself to journal about issues in my life in order to deal with them best (or my wife will remind me too) because it allows me to kind of share them while they remain private as well as the fact that it helps me figure out exactly why something is bothering me rather than just feeling the emotion and not putting a "face on it".

I am very sorry for your loss and I will be praying for you in the hopes that you can deal with this the best way possible for you individually.

I am much in your boat as I have lost few people in my life that I am close to. Being a Medical Student working in a hospital I see people dying monthly and some have hit home but I am not really sure how I will deal with it when it happens to someone that I am attached to outside of work.

AgPete · 03-24-2003, 10:22 PM

Sorry but you've already answered your question, it takes time.

That's all you can really do. The closer they are, the longer it takes. When my brother died young, I couldn't even think about it for weeks without feeling like crying. If you're a religious man, it will probably help you heal quicker as most of the major faiths say there is some point to all the pointless deaths that occur in our world. I know what you mean about thinking about things you used to do. Do you live in the same city you did when he was your bud? That's really hard revisiting places full of memories. Don't worry, it sounds like this is your first experience with death. It's sad but you'll get much better at dealing with it as other people close to you start passing away.

03-24-2003, 04:47 PM	#3
Killebrew H.S. Freshman Team Join Date: Feb 2003	Part of this experience is acceptance that this person is gone forever, and that is a tough pill to swallow at the best of times but especially if you have not allowed yourself a chance to grieve. Since you have found out long after the fact, that might makes things tougher in several ways. For one thing, you likely cannot share the pain of loss with other friends and family of this person. You might feel some kind of guilt for not keeping up with him or other mutual acquaintances. You also might feel hurt that no one thought to let you know earlier. Talking about these feelings with people you trust will probably help a lot, and that's much better than avoiding the issue completely. Do a google search for much more professional suggestions than I could provide, good luck.

03-24-2003, 10:22 PM	#8
AgPete College Prospect Join Date: Jan 2001	Sorry but you've already answered your question, it takes time. That's all you can really do. The closer they are, the longer it takes. When my brother died young, I couldn't even think about it for weeks without feeling like crying. If you're a religious man, it will probably help you heal quicker as most of the major faiths say there is some point to all the pointless deaths that occur in our world. I know what you mean about thinking about things you used to do. Do you live in the same city you did when he was your bud? That's really hard revisiting places full of memories. Don't worry, it sounds like this is your first experience with death. It's sad but you'll get much better at dealing with it as other people close to you start passing away. __________________ Click here for the FOF2004 World Football League Dynasty (WFL) - Football Goes Global! OOTP5 Psychology Experiment (Incomplete but fun read for MLB fans.) The FOFC All-Time NFL Team - Voted on by FOFC members.

03-24-2003, 04:08 PM	#2
HornsManiac	Is there anything that you have found helps? I can relate. My lifelong best friend died when I was 18. Although I was deeply saddened I never shed a tear. I am able to deal with death better than most because of two things I shift my thoughts to. One, we don't choose when we die. Another great power makes that decision for us all. Two, I always make myself remember how much better their new world is. HornsManiac

03-24-2003, 04:59 PM	#4
sachmo71 The boy who cried Trout Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: TX	Vince, Speaking from my own experience, I will give you what I know. I hope some of it helps. When I was 18, my mother passed away from cancer. For a number of reasons, I learned how to deal with my problems in a very destructive way...I drank the pain away. I kept doing this until I was 28 years old. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCE SHOULD YOU TAKE THIS ROAD. Please believe me when I tell you that nothing will turn your life to shit faster than becoming a drunk, but it's very very easy to drink to hide pain. Not to mention socially acceptable. Try this instead. Find someone who doesn't mind you sharing your feelings with them and just talk. Don't make a huge deal about it, just talk. Whether this is a girlfriend, parent, buddy or therapist just make sure it is someone that you trust to not judge you. Sometimes young guys view showing as emotion as a sign of weakness, so be careful with whom you talk to. Just talking about it will help you work these feelings out and allow you to realize exactly WHAT they are. That may sound strange, but depression can often manifest itself in a number of different emotions, and if you work through them then you aren't holding them inside. I would recommend a therapist, because they are trained to get you to talk about things you may not want to. Getting these feelings out will allow you to move on with your life without adding another weight to the many burdens that we all inevitably pick up in life. I had to find out the hard way and left a trail of broken relationships and empty beer cans behind me, and getting rid of these feelings once you have carried them for a long time is much harder than dealing with them straight on. But the good news is that it will get better, and in no time you will find yourself feeling good about the memory of your friend, not feeling bad about unfinished business. Dr. Phil signing off! Jeez!

03-24-2003, 05:40 PM	#5
Craptacular College Starter Join Date: Oct 2001 Location: The Mad City, WI	Sachmo hit the nail on the head ... just get it out there! I wouldn't even restrict it to talking to someone. Write it down, type it up, do whatever, even if you never send it to anyone. Just get your feelings out somehow. I'm "fortunate" that only one person close to me has died, my grandfather. However, there have been plenty of other situations in my life where I just needed to release, including when I witnessed the end of an accident and was the first on the scene when three kids drove under a semi at 80 mph last summer. One of the things that helped me was to collect my thoughts and write an email to friends and family that night, which I subsequently turned into a story I posted on the previous FOFC board. Sharing your thoughts with people close to you, or even people you've never met, can help you get through these times.

03-24-2003, 05:50 PM	#6
INDalltheway College Benchwarmer Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Chicago	Just Friday the 21st a highschool senior that I go to school with died in an auto accident. This kid wasn't the most popular kid, but everyone liked him and talked to him. As a Freshman I didn't really know him, but because I have a locker in the Senior "section" I always saw him and listened to him talk. It is so horrible to know that he has two sisters and two parents that loved him so much, and that they have to deal with his loss. Today was the first day of school since the death. It was probably one of the worst and most sad school days ever. One of his sisters (she is in my grade) came to school today. I feel like she is the strongest person I know. I know for a fact that I wouldn't go to school for a week atleast if this happened to me. When you see these things in the newspaper and television it doesn't seem like a big deal. But when it occurs in your town, and your school it really hits home. The whole weekend I just couldn't imagine what his sisters were going through. I can still see him standing by locker...

03-24-2003, 06:04 PM	#7
BigDPW College Prospect Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Raleigh, NC	Grief is a process that is difficult to get through and while it is completely normal it is rather unpredictable in its course. I think the best thing to do is to just allow yourself to grieve. Cry when you feel you need to laugh when you need to and allow yourself to do what feels natural as long as it is not destructive or harmful in its nature. As cheesy as it sounds I would really suggest journaling your thoughts and feelings in as coherent or noncoherent manner as you wish. I often have to force myself to journal about issues in my life in order to deal with them best (or my wife will remind me too) because it allows me to kind of share them while they remain private as well as the fact that it helps me figure out exactly why something is bothering me rather than just feeling the emotion and not putting a "face on it". I am very sorry for your loss and I will be praying for you in the hopes that you can deal with this the best way possible for you individually. I am much in your boat as I have lost few people in my life that I am close to. Being a Medical Student working in a hospital I see people dying monthly and some have hit home but I am not really sure how I will deal with it when it happens to someone that I am attached to outside of work.

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