FOFC Group Advice - Social Setting

[CU Tiger]

Not really sure I titled this right but couldn't come up with the right words.

Faced with a weird situation, not sure what to do so thought I would turn to the group think experts for opinions, ideas, thoughts or heckles.

I'm going to try to be very brief but I have to go into a bit of detail to make the inner conflict make sense. I apologize in advance for length.

I went to school in 1st-6th grade at this private Catholic school that was part elitest private school, part reform boarding school, and part orphanage community outreach boarding school. Being Catholic in orientation and the relatively few numbers of Catholics in the south coupled with being in a small area meant despite all these avenues very small numbers. One class per grade and basically there were the same 13 or 15 kids in class from 1-6 with maybe 2 or 3 added along the way by the time we finished 6th grade and maybe 1 or 2 dropouts move aways. This school didn't offer any classes past 6th grade and after that everyone assimilated into public schools. I was the only student at the school who wasn't from the town the school was located in and "lived" in a town some 30 miles or so away. {Edit} Meaning that after elementary school I never saw any of these kids again other than chance bump ins while they went on to continue friendships for another 6 years of school.

As you can piece together I fell somewhere into the 2nd or 3rd previous category. Mom had me too young, after some public school kindergarten age BS I was placed into foster care. My maternal grandma the stereotypical Italian Catholic (born in Sicily, grew up in Manhatten, one of 6 kids, a brother Tony allegedly in the mob....no exaggerations totally stereotypical) appealed to the diocese and I was placed in the boarding school portion every school year and then placed into various fosters or family homes every summer.

Enough personal background.

Except to say I was one of only 2 or 3 students in my class that fell into either of the 2nd categories.

Suffice to say I dont have very good memories of that time. It was a weird mix of overly privileged and under privileged kids and well the few of us "Residents" didnt get to go to the cool after school activities didnt get invited to the birthday parties (we didnt have transportation when we did get invited etc.)

Sometime around the 6th grade my mom got her shit together and got custody of me back. I have a sister who is 7 years younger than me (who I am very close with today) and to preserve some kind of illusion she paid to have my sister go to the same school as a commuter. My sis had a very different experience loves the school and my 2 nephews go to school there (well at least in its current state which is much reformed from my time there) today.

So fast forward to Friday. I get a call from a guy who I haven't heard or seen from in 20 years who went to school with me there for all 6 years. Our 2nd grade teacher is retiring and we were her first class. They are trying to get the entire class to come back for a ceremony honoring her this coming Friday, and specifically have asked me to "say a few words" about her as I was the 6th grade class valedictorian (imagine me rolling my eyes as you read that, please) and are asking for a small donation to give her a retirement present.

I am genuinely conflicted on what to do here.

On one hand its easy enough to bite my tongue show up for an hour and then move on.

On the other hand I really have no desire to do so, I dont remember many of these kids at all and sitting here over the weekend I can only come up with 4 or 5 names from that time of my life.

This school is notoriously political and conniving and I genuinely think if I don't go it will reflect poorly on my sister and my nephews.

This teacher who is retiring had a daughter who was one of he few 1-6ers of us and she was in fact one of the people who loved to ridicule us residents the worst, in fact I even remember many snide remarks from her mom in the year where she taught us. I really dont have any positive memories of the mom to talk about.

There are maybe 3 kids I remember honestly being decent to me and not making daily life hell for me and one of those is the one who called me, he has 4 boys in this school, including a son in the last class of this teacher who is retiring and is kind of organizing the whole thing.

I talked to him for maybe 20 minutes and honestly don't think he has any idea that I have anything but white lily happy memories of my time there. I could show up give a 3 minute speech about elementary school laying the foundation for success in life blah blah blah make everyone happy and move on.

I could show up and skewer the school given the platform and the audience to do so (not going to go this route...but damn it would be fun).

I could graciously decline because of prior conflicts, heck 1 week notice during work hours isnt much time to make arrangements.

I realize there is not truly a right or wrong move here, and dont necessarily expect anyone here to "Tell me what to do", but I am always struck by the viewpoints and perspectives here that I would have never considered so thought I would throw this out there and get some thoughts.

So what say ye, oh great Wise Crowd?

[Lathum]

I would say if it is going to harm your sister and nephews then you bite the bullet an go. A byproduct is it may sting for some of these people to see how successful you have become.

[Julio Riddols]

I'd graciously decline. If the school starts some shit because you couldn't make time for them, then maybe your sister will change her perception. I really doubt they would be dicks about it if you just couldn't get the time off in order to do it. Maybe you could send a card or small gift or something instead.

[EagleFan]

What was your relationship with the teacher? I went to a small school all the way from K through 12 and worked at the school during high school years. Even with that I can't see going to speak for many, if any, situations like this. Only if this teacher had some profound impact on your life.

Just my take on it.

[Edward64]

Originally Posted by EagleFan

What was your relationship with the teacher? I went to a small school all the way from K through 12 and worked at the school during high school years. Even with that I can't see going to speak for many, if any, situations like this. Only if this teacher had some profound impact on your life.

Just my take on it.

I would agree. If the teacher did impact you positively then do it. If not, decline. Because your nephews are there, decline graciously otherwise I would just be frank with the guy and tell him you really did not have a lot of happy memories.

[sterlingice]

I think the "skewer the school" option is probably a bad one. But beyond that, it's fair game.

Hard as it is, forget about the jerks at the school for the moment. Do you have good memories of the teacher? This is about their day, a-holes be damned. Was the teacher a good person and do they deserve this for their day? If you think yes, you do the nominal donation and 3 minute speech. You then connect back up with those couple of people who you have good memories of and it's a minor win for the evening for all involved.

If you really wanted to, you can spend a few more minutes touching on how difficult it was and how this teacher helped (if she did) but that's a really tough needle to thread. It'd be really hard to do that and not come off as bitter to other people on this teacher's day. That may appeal to some of those former students who see you there now but they also may just be fairly heartless and oblivious jerks if they grew up with privilege and continue to live that life. I think this is a really tough one where you have to stay positive while abstracting out the negative but I'm not sure how well it can be done. It would have to be genuine and if that teacher didn't really help much, then it's probably not possible. It would be cathartic, might win some kudos from those other students if they're willing, and reflect even more meaningfully and heartfelt on that teacher.

And if all of this is just too messy, the "one week; prior commitment" thing gets you out easy.

SI

[Suburban Rhythm]

Put me in the "what was your relationship with the teacher?" camp.

Good relationship, would like to see her again, wish her well? Do it.

No relationship? Politely decline, move on.

[Radii]

Originally Posted by Lathum

I would say if it is going to harm your sister and nephews then you bite the bullet an go.

This was my first thought, though I wouldn't fault you for a second if you chose to decline instead. Honestly in your shoes I don't think I'd be able to overlook everything else and bite the bullet and do it, but then I'd end up feeling bad about it later if it did have a negative impact on family due to political BS.

Originally Posted by sterlingice

I think the "skewer the school" option is probably a bad one. But beyond that, it's fair game.

Also agree with this.

[stevew]

Just don't go. There's no upside.

[JonInMiddleGA]

I really dont have any positive memories of the mom to talk about.

This settled the primary question for me, that just leaves a matter of how to accomplish avoiding the situation.

I'd go with short notice/work and leave it at that.

As for the possibility of blowback, I think a fair argument could be made for any short-term pain being worth the long-term gain of being rid of people who victimize your relative's kids for a perfectly reasonable absence.

[britrock88]

Take the high road and do it. It'll be over before long, and you may even find something to enjoy about the experience.

[PilotMan]

I'm in the decline camp. There isn't enough upside to compel you with too many feelings there going the other way. Say no, move on, and think on it no more. You don't owe anyone a reason for why you don't participate.

[Chief Rum]

I say go, give the small donation (or smaller if you're able), and decline to give the speech, although you will be there.

[Izulde]

Your sister and nephews' reflection is what would ultimately make me say just go, pay the small donation, and give a very short speech to get it over with.

There will be at least one person who wasn't an assclown to you there (the organizer), and my guess is you'll feel better about having done the noble thing once it's over.

[tarcone]

Im thinking 2 routes here. Forgive and do it. Stay an hour, do your quick speech. OR, the 2nd route, leave the past in the past. Work conflicts, send $20 and be done with it.
But, if Im reading that right, the 2nd grade teacher ridiculed you? Is that what I read? If thats the case, there is no reason for you to attend.

[PilotMan]

I think what he is saying is that the daughter of the second grade teacher ridiculed him.

[CU Tiger]

Thanks for the thoughts so far guys!

1- Im definitely going to throw a little money into the kitty for a nice retirement gift. Frankly it wont hurt me and its the easiest part of the choice.

2- Regarding the mom/teacher I dont know that she overtly "ridiculed" me but she certainly never went out of her way to make me comfortable and I felt she favored the other more affluent students. If a 6 year old felt that it had to be pretty overt I would think.

One of my concerns is if I decline will I beat myself up forever for chickening out...

[judicial clerk]

I think you should do it. I think that, generally, people are glad that they went through with something like this.

I think if you give a little speach it should be positive but honest. Don't kiss the teachers butt and pretend she was something she wasn't, but don't seek vengeance either.

As an aside, your story sounds interesting and I am sorry that you were mistreated and excluded as a child . I hate that bullshit.

[timmae]

What are your true thoughts about the teacher? Did she help you in life or was she more of a hindrance? If she helped you, then go and give the speech. It's the right thing to do. If you don't think she did right by you then go, donate the money, but decline giving the speech. I imagine there will be someone else who feels like this teacher helped them that can provide a good speech if you don't feel the same.

[B & B]

I could show up give a 3 minute speech about elementary school laying the foundation for success in life blah blah blah make everyone happy and move on.

This.

It is the one thing that resolves all issues and leaves you no grief. A no brainer.

Im the type of person who is sought after for advice in times of need. I have a level mindset and tend to make rational decisions out of madness.

PM me if you need further assurance, but this is the rational decision.

[nol]

Yeah, I'd just do a super generic short speech and maybe have the guy who contacted you reach out to other classmates asking them for specific memories you could mention to personalize it a little*


*assuming I wasn't able to be noncommittal enough at first to figure out what they were asking so I could say, "Shoot, I already had a vacation planned for that weekend!"

[Karlifornia]

You're going to a place you don't have fond memories of to devote your time to speak to people you don't care about, because you're afraid they'll vindictively punish your relatives there. That's tough, and I could go either way. I would say always err on the side of being true to yourself. You don't like place, stay away. Tell them you're busy. Maybe bullshit them and say "this school did so much for me that it led to a career where I'm in an instrumental position and can't adjourn on such short notice". A few sappy compliments is usually enough to let you sneak out the back door unscathed.

[Julio Riddols]

Go do the speech and just do a roast of the teacher like Norm McDonald did for Bob Saget.

[MacroGuru]

I don't think it would harm you or anyone if you showed up, gave no specifics in your small talk, and I would make it small plus give your donation.

NOW, what would MacroGuru do. I would probably beg out of it due to work because of the negativity associated with the place and people. To me, bringing myself back into a toxic environment would not be beneficial and only upset me to the point, I would open my mouth throughout the night sometime and let some pretty true, raw feelings known.

[flere-imsaho]

I'd do it even if is solely means something for someone you love (your sister).

[Logan]

I'm in the "politely decline" camp.

Unless there's a bunch of 24 year old teachers running around this school. Then go.

[Blackadar]

Originally Posted by PilotMan

I'm in the decline camp. There isn't enough upside to compel you with too many feelings there going the other way. Say no, move on, and think on it no more. You don't owe anyone a reason for why you don't participate.

+1,000,000

Say no, don't provide a reason and don't look back.

[Dodgerchick]

Based on your writeup, there are absolutely no good memories of that place. If that teacher ridiculed you and favored the more affuent students, then that says a lot about her as a person. So what should you do? Well, it depends. If you feel anxious just thinking about that place to where youre stressing out and getting in a bad mood where it could affect your work and those around you then dont go. OR, you can go back and show these asswipes what became of you because of this place. Im sorry you went through all that crap but youre a better person for overcoming . No bigger eff you than showing them what a successful person you are. Up yours motherfuckers!!!

[Kodos]

Put "up yours" on your shirt, but give a warm speech.