Advice?

[WVUFAN]

I'm not starting this thread to get sympathy, I'm just wondering if anyone else has been through this.

My mother died on March 1. She had been ill for some time, and went into septic shock the middle of February. She seemed to recover, but her lungs got an infection and she didn't recover from that. I had travelled to my parents house when she went into critical condition, but when they moved her out of the critical condition ward, I went home. She died the next day, and I wasn't there when she passed.

I can't seem to bounce back from this. I go from horribly sad to angry in a second, and over little things. If I don't stay busy, I fixate on my mom and what I didn't get to say to her, and I feel horribly, horribly guilty all the time.

I've taken to exercise, because as long as I keep busy, I'm fine, but my family evidently is getting worried about me. I'm not a fan of therapists, so I'm not sure if I want to go to one.

Has anyone went through this? If so, what will it take for me to get out of this? I should be past this by now-- at least, that's what my brother says. Just move on, he says, but I can't seem to.

If anyone has been through this sort of thing, what did you do to cope?

[claphamsa]

while ive never dealt with something like that.. have you thought of therapy? it can be helpful... if nothing else to just have someone to vent to!

[Logan]

No advice to offer unfortunately, but you do have my condolences and I hope you start to feel better soon. I would say, however, that your brother's idea of "you should be fine by now" is ridiculous. Everyone deals with things differently, and the death of anyone close to you is something that of course isn't as simple as he's trying to make it out to be. I'm no psychiatrist/psychologist, but it sounds like he's having some of his own issues but is refusing to deal with them.

[JonInMiddleGA]

Originally Posted by WVUFAN

... She died the next day, and I wasn't there when she passed. I can't seem to bounce back from this. I go from horribly sad to angry in a second, and over little things. If I don't stay busy, I fixate on my mom and what I didn't get to say to her, and I feel horribly, horribly guilty all the time. I've taken to exercise, because as long as I keep busy, I'm fine, but my family evidently is getting worried about me. I'm not a fan of therapists, so I'm not sure if I want to go to one. Has anyone went through this? If so, what will it take for me to get out of this? I should be past this by now-- at least, that's what my brother says. Just move on, he says, but I can't seem to. If anyone has been through this sort of thing, what did you do to cope?

I'm lucky, my parents are both still alive, but I've watched my mother go through the loss of her parents and talked with her throughout the various stages of grief and more recently I've gone through the death of my wife's dad with her, so I'll offer what second hand insight I've gained for whatever it might be worth.

Ultimately we all grieve in our own ways & in our own time, I don't put any real stock in anyone saying "you ought to be over it", we all cope in our own fashion.

My mother has often said that it does get better, very slowly but with the passing of time, but nothing is ever quite the same again either and that certainly matches my wife's references to the same situation, in spirit if not in exactly the same words. Depending upon the relationship between the survivors & the departed, depending upon the circumstances of the death, depending upon a lot of different things, there isn't any pat answer as for what it takes to get past it.

I think you're doing one of the more important things just by recognizing what helps you cope (or, frankly, avoid dealing with it in bigger chunks than you're prepared for), in your case you've found that exercise works. My mother probably cleaned & reorganized parts of the house a half dozen times in the months after my grandmother died, same principle, just staying busy.

Intellectually, if you're up for it, I would probably recommend looking into some things like the Kubler-Ross theory on the five stages of grief (although I personally believe it generally applies to a lot of people, there are others who dispute it). Whether you find yourself agreeing or disagreeing with the premises, I believe it might help you gain some insight about some of what you're feeling & experiencing, maybe something there which will help you move forward in the grieving process.

Most importantly, at least as far as advice goes, I'd look you squarely in the eye & tell you there's nothing "wrong" about feeling what you're feeling. I suspect you may be suffering an unfair amount of guilt (for whatever reason) but until you resolve those issues to your own satisfaction then you feel whatever it is you feel. And no one really gets to dictate how you go through that process, you have to deal with it in a way that's right for you.

I wish you peace.

[DrAFTjunkie]

Your mom died less than a month ago. You absolutely shouldn't be past this by now. Grieve, man. I'm sorry for your loss.

[GrantDawg]

I lost my dad 13 years ago, strangely the same way. He went into septic shock (though we never discovered why) and lingered for a month before he died. I still feel the pain at times. I talked with him the day he went in the hospital, but couldn't come down to see him until after work a couple days later. He was only 54, and not in bad health. I really had no idea it would get as bad as it did. He went into a coma the day before I planned to come. It was my birthday.

Anyway, there are no magic words or set dates that will make it all better. Your world has changed permanently. Allow yourself to mourn. Give yourself time to think about her, and your regrets. And then maybe you can hear these words. "You didn't do anything wrong. It is not your fault. You will be ok."

Anger with yourself, and even the one you lost, is natural. But they did not purposely abandon you. You did not choose to let them go without talking to them one more time. Death is a part of life, one we rarely see coming.

[Lathum]

Yeah, don't listen to your brother. We all grieve differently, I don't think your Mom would want you to blame yourself for anything. Sorry for your loss.

[Bad-example]

Consider writing about your mom. Just get some paper and write. That helped me deal with a similar situation some years ago.

[Swaggs]

Sorry for your loss. I will second (or third) the concept that "you should be over it by now." For most of us, there are few people in life that we are closer to than our parents. The idea of losing them and then getting over that loss within a month is silly. It is quite possible that your brother is in a different phase of grieving right now and that the loss will "hit him" at some point soon.

As for coping, I would suggest therapy (even if you are skeptical, most therapists routinely deal with skepticism). If not with a therapist, perhaps a pastor or priest? Also, I think staying busy, whether excercising or other safe/healthy means, is not a bad thing.

[Racer]

Sorry for your loss.

My mom passed away in October after battling ALS for two and half years. It took me two or three months to stop feeling sad about it so what your brother says is non sense. Even now, five months later, I still miss her and think about her.

What helped me when I was sad was talking to my siblings and my dad about her and my feelings about losing her.

[RainMaker]

Haven't been through anything like the loss of a parent so I don't know if there is anything I could offer that would help. I do think the exercise thing is good as it's been shown to help with depression by releasing positive endorphines. I know when I've gone through tough times, I make an effort to really exercise a lot.

I would recommend therapy even if you aren't a big fan of it. I have a brother who was going through a rough patch and didn't know how to get over it. He was anti-therapy before but we talked him into giving it a chance and he really felt it helped. Not necessarily going to fix everything, but sometimes getting some emotions of your chest that you may not be willing to discuss with close people is a real help. You seem to be battling a lot of emotions right now and perhaps someone who is trained in grief can help you sort it out and make each day a little better.

I'm sorry for your loss and I wish the best for you.

[DaddyTorgo]

Sorry for your loss WVU. It's your mom...don't let anybody tell you how long is too long to grieve.

[Dodgerchick]

I haven't been in your situation, but I'd say give yourself as much time as you need. Your mom passed less than a month ago, it's hard to "just get over it" in a matter of weeks.

I'm really sorry for your loss WVU

[Marc Vaughan]

Very sorry to hear of your loss.

Apologies for not having any really constructive comments to help you - just hang in there, I think sometimes there isn't a solution and it might just take time.

PS - What you're doing with excercise, staying busy etc. seems sensible enough though - I'd also second the suggestions for talking to people close to you about things.

[AZSpeechCoach]

My mother passed nine years ago last week. She was diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer and died 3 weeks later. I'm still not "over it." While it will eventually stop being the foremost thought in your mind, you will carry it with you always. And that's okay.

I understand what you mean about being guilty. The prior Christmas, we had gotten into a horrible fight, and I had only spoken to her once or twice between then and her diagnosis. After she had lapsed into her final unconsciousness, I learned that our conflict wasn't even really her fault.

Therapy is good...even just to have someone to unburden yourself with. I chose to throw myself into the world of text-sims and played more EHM (the freeware) and FOF than ever. Your exercise regimen is probably much better.

[molson]

Originally Posted by DrAFTjunkie

Your mom died less than a month ago. You absolutely shouldn't be past this by now. Grieve, man. I'm sorry for your loss.

Yup. It's an absolutely normal human experience to grieve. Things will not be same. Grieve, recognize the loss, appreciate the loss - it's kind of a tribute to your mother to recognize this grief. Don't feel guilty about it, or think it's "taking too long".

[JediKooter]

I'm very sorry to hear about your mom. Don't ever feel bad about grieving. There is no set time on how long someone should grieve or get over it. Only you know when that time is and if it's six months from now, then it's six months from now or whenever, not when someone else thinks you should be.

Nothing what you wrote says to me that anything is out of the ordinary for something like this. Just hang in there man, believe it or not, it does get better.

[Mizzou B-ball fan]

I'd echo the other suggestions. Writing a couple of letters to your mom and then putting them at her gravesite or other special place is a great way to say what you need to say and allow yourself to let go of it at some level. Also, going to therapy for several weeks to talk things out works very well. You obviously know what's happening, but sometimes it just takes a neutral person who's removed from the situation to point out what is obvious.

Most importantly, don't hold it against yourself what you didn't say. If your mom was able to talk to you still, she'd do nothing but talk about the good times. Find a way in your own good time to do the same thing. Accentuate what you did have, not what you didn't have.

Best of luck.

[Eaglesfan27]

Originally Posted by DrAFTjunkie

Your mom died less than a month ago. You absolutely shouldn't be past this by now. Grieve, man. I'm sorry for your loss.

Big plus 1. If you start feeling suicidal or aren't feeling better in a few months, than I would strongly consider therapy. Otherwise, just take your time dealing with this difficult time.

[flere-imsaho]

Very sorry to hear about your loss.

I think what you're feeling is perfectly normal, and will echo the other thoughts here that there's no "right length of time" in which to grieve.

Also don't rule out talking to a counselor. There is nothing wrong with working with a professional (in this case a psychiatrist) who has the training, skill and experience to help you get from Point A (feeling how you feel now) to Point B (feeling normal again, in spite of what you've experienced).

[BYU 14]

Very sorry for you loss WVUFAN and I echo what a lot of others say about therapy, as well as putting thoughts in writing.

I lost my Grandmother a little over 5 years ago and she was everything to me. One thing I picked up in the grieving process that helped me a lot was to "schedule" times to grieve.

I know that may sound odd, but I found myself constantly flashing back to thoughts of my Grandmother, becoming emotional, and finding it hard to focus. I colleague of mine, who had a background in mental health suggested I set aside 30 minutes a day at the same time for nothing but my grandmother. She said use it for whatever came to mind first that day. Think of good times, thank her for all she had done for me or just sit and cry.

I grew to look forward to this time each day and was able to focus on work, family and whatever else was going on because I knew I had time set aside for my Grandmother later, which basically helped me get through those rough first months. As time wore on I needed it less and less and it was a great tool.

I have a picture of her in my office at home and about once every month or so I still take a few moments, usually early in the morning when it's quiet to have that time with her and even though I miss here dearly, that time is never sad anymore.

Again, I wish you the best in working through this extremely difficult time.

[Rizon]

Time. Lots of it.

[ISiddiqui]

I'm sorry to hear about your loss

And it has only been a few weeks. To say that you should get over it is a bit harsh. After all, it's your mother! We all grieve in our own ways and need time to get over tragedy. You are most definitely not strange for it still hurting you a month after it happened!

[k0ruptr]

I lost my mom to something eerily similar (as far as not being able to say goodbye i mean), and just grieve, remember its ok to break down. sometimes it takes a long long time. Try to keep something close that is a positive memory of her, I felt that helped me. And your family just needs to support you regardless how long it takes, and also it sounds like your brother maybe in denial, and also need help.

dola when my mom passed (5 years ago this year)it was completely unexpected she had an allergic reaction to an antibiotic and the swelling caused her to stop breathing so fast nothing could be done.

I also never got to say good bye to dad. He went missing when I was 12 (13 years now) and nothing ever came of it, no one found anything.

its always rough, just pray and believe they are in a better place. Try to stay at peace and not blame your self or be upset at your self too much. I wish you all the best and stay strong!

[WVUFAN]

I know it's been awhile since this thread was used, but I wanted to say a big "THANK YOU!!" to everyone who posted here and all the kind words and suggestions given.

I took many of your suggestions and talked to a therapist, and it helped. Alot. I also decided to keep myself busy but still gave myself time to think.

I talk to her often. Yeah, I know that's campy and cheesy, but it helps. I also took the suggestion to write a letter to her, and that lifted so much weight off my shoulders.

Again, thank everyone who posted. I greatly appreciate it.

[JonInMiddleGA]

Glad for the positive update WVU, sounds like it's headed in the right direction. May every day bring you more peace with this.

[Chief Rum]

I didn't see this thread the first time, WVUFAN, but I am glad you took much from it and have done well.

I never really felt like I told my dad how much I loved him before he passed (and even worse, I had some opportunities, but kept putting it off, thinking I would have time). He ended up passing much quicker than we all had expected.

I still think of him every now and then (he passed away in 2002), but I don't spend much time worrying about whether he knew how much I loved him now. And I don't recall it being much of a concern too long after he died either. And I think two of the main reasons were an obituary of sorts that I wrote, here at FOFC, the morning that he died, and the impromptu speech I gave at his funeral, relaying a couple fun stories that also conveyed the love we had for each other. Those simple acts worked as a goodbye for me, even if I didn't do the face to face I had wanted, and I never again doubted he knew how I felt.