After 50 months...I'm single

[kingnebwsu]

Hey guys. It's my turn for a personal-based post on the forum. Me and my girlfriend (of over 4 years) broke up Saturday night. I won't go into too many details out of respect of our relationship, but it was a decision I think we had to make.

So for the last several days I've been drifting between houses of my friends and family along with spending many hours on the phone each day. I worked today and (after a few hours) I actually did okay. It's a real hit & miss situation though. I'll be okay for a while and then I'll think of something and I'll just totally lose it. It's like being manic depressive or something. I'm normally such a balanced person so it's weird knowing that I could break down at any given moment. I'm sure I'll balance out more & more with each passing day.

So we've lived together for a long time and she's going to move out. She's been looking for an apartment so she can hopefully move out soonish. I'm currently sleeping in our...in my bed upstairs and she's sleeping on the couch. It's all definitely been weird, awkward, and sad...but we've been very civil so far. The last thing I wanted was one of those breakups where things get set on fire, clothes end up on the lawn, and we always yell at each other. I want us to always be friendly and to not hate each other. Regardless of what happened, I'll always have a place in my heart for her.

So yeah, I'm single. I never thought I'd be here again. I thought I had found "the one" and we'd be married & live happily ever after. Sadly it was not meant to be. I don't know why I'm posting about it on here. I think I wanted to post it mainly because I wanted to tell everyone to never take your significant other for granted. Show them affection whenever possible and occassionally do something romantic. And, as corny as it sounds, give them an extra hug for me

I've learned so much in the last several days about what I want from my life. I didn't think this kind of learning could take place for someone like me, but I guess I'm proud of myself for evolving past who I was. I know there's a chance that I'll be alone forever...but I hope that someday I'll get a chance to show somebody what kind of person I truly am and how much I've learned about the important things in life.

I'm going to take it one day at a time and just try and make it through each hour. Just surrounding myself with people who care for me and people who listen to me has made a huge difference. I'm so thankful for my friends & family.

I'll keep you guys posted on how things evolve over the upcoming days. It's going to be hard but I need to continue to work and get through it. And to those of you who made it through my post, thank you

-Ben

[DaddyTorgo]

damn dude - sorry to hear that.

shitty situation.

bitches from ohio *growls*

[Lathum]

Sorry for your troubles but it does eventualy get better.

When I was 25 I thought I had met the one and we were in the same situation but our breakup was bad.

I thought my life was over and was unhappy for the most part.

Saldana gave me the best advice anyone could give. He told me I need to learn to live alone before I could live ith someone else. I took stock of my life and where I was at and spent the next several years just dating casualy and having a few girlfriends.

Eventualy I was in a much better place in my life and lucky for me met the right girl and we are now happily married.

The bottom line is it will get bad but eventualy it will get better.

[B & B]

Really nothing else to add here but I remember years ago you got me into the simulated sports cbball thing when you coached wheeling/

Just throwing some levity into this.

Good times.

If you cant live alone (with yourself) who can you live with?

[Groundhog]

I split up with my gf of 26 months about 8 or 9 weeks ago. We were also living together and expected to never be single again (hell, I started some threads here about us looking to move overseas together - in hindsight I'm glad that didn't happen). We were also living together, and for the first couple of nights after the very civil and mutual breakup, we were still sleeping in the same bed and everything, until she moved in with her mum until she found a place.

It's tough and it definately helps to have good friends who will keep you occupied like mine did, and still do. It's an old cliche, but time really does heal all wounds. There are lots of things I miss about my ex, and some times I do regret it given how good she was to me, but I know that we both weren't getting what we needed out of the relationship, as much as we cared and still care about each other.

All I can say is try and take your mind off things and go out and enjoy yourself, and deal with it as best you are able and with the help of friends, knowing that yes, it will get better, and no, you will not be lonely for the rest of your life, even if that's how it may seem now.

[Lorena]

That's a bummer, sorry to hear.

[Dr. Sak]

Originally Posted by Lathum

The bottom line is it will get bad but eventually it will get better.

This is very true. There will be days where the pain is worse...others where it'll be better. Then one day the pain will be gone.

Same thing happened to me when I was 25. Now a few years later I look back and and glad that it happened. Even though I am still single, I have a lot going for me in my life, a lot more than if I would've stayed or ended up marrying her. Things have a funny way of working out in the end.

[Marc Vaughan]

Sorry to hear that mate - but try and remember sometimes something that seems sh*t at the time turns out to be a blessing in the long run ...

[Neuqua]

Keep your head up man!

:: Wishes he could follow his own advice ::

[samifan24]

Sorry to hear about the breakup. It must be difficult now but remember that your family and friends are always there for you.

[DaddyTorgo]

Originally Posted by samifan24

Sorry to hear about the breakup. It must be difficult now but remember that your family and friends are always there for you.

as is the bottle and the "Ping: DrunkGuy" thread

[M GO BLUE!!!]

Many of us have been in a similar place... You do get thru it. I remember when I split with my old girl I felt worse than almost any other time. Just being within sight of a woman made me feel like vomiting. I couldn't look at women at all. These things pass...

The key part for you is what I read here:

Originally Posted by kingnebwsu

I've learned so much in the last several days about what I want from my life.

Just keep on man. You'll make it alright.

[DaddyTorgo]

Originally Posted by M GO BLUE!!!

I felt worse than almost any other time. Just being within sight of a woman made me feel like vomiting. I couldn't look at women at all.

+1

Been there, done that. Still don't look nearly as much as I did before. And heaven help me if I see a couple holding-hands or being cutesy, or engaging in PDA...I sneer at them while internally falling apart.

[Subby]

And you thought you would never have another chance to nail a midget stripper!

THE LINING IT BE SILVER!

[sterlingice]

Originally Posted by kingnebwsu

And, as corny as it sounds, give them an extra hug for me

My wife was really confused when I hugged her this morning and said "this was from kingnebwsu"

Seriously, tho, I don't have much to add except what others have said. It sucks but it will get better and you'll be in a better place down the road. If it wasn't meant to be, you can't force it.

SI

[panerd]

Don't know how bad the break-up is either but steer clear of the booty calls. While they may fufill a short term need they will absolutely make the break-up 500 times worse.

[ISiddiqui]

Sorry to hear about that . I'd echo the advice that you need to learn to live by yourself before jumping back in.

[Fidatelo]

Originally Posted by kingnebwsu

... it was a decision I think we had to make.

I think it's good that you recognize this, and shows me that you will be fine in due time. Years ago I had to make the decision to leave my fiance at the time, and move back to my old hometown, and it took a lot of soul-searching and pain to do what in my heart I knew was right. It hurt like hell at the time, but looking back it was the right decision and my life has been much better for making it.

I think you will feel the same way. Maybe not tomorrow, but months or years from now you'll think back to this with relief, not regret.

Chin up!

[Celeval]

Good luck, man. Be glad it happened as it did - amicable breakups - even of long-term relationships - are so much better than the alternative.

Keep your head up.

[terpkristin]

Sorry to hear that, Ben.
I'm beginning to think we should have a separate thread "FOFC Singles Club" or something, where we can all commiserate on recently broken relationships, single life suckage, etc. Or maybe I just need to get my arse onto eHarmony.

/tk

[MikeVic]

Sorry to hear. I hate emotional suckage.

[SilverSurfer]

Originally Posted by kingnebwsu

I've learned so much in the last several days about what I want from my life. I didn't think this kind of learning could take place for someone like me, but I guess I'm proud of myself for evolving past who I was. I know there's a chance that I'll be alone forever...but I hope that someday I'll get a chance to show somebody what kind of person I truly am and how much I've learned about the important things in life.

Ben, good luck to you. I've found the times I've been alone in life to end up being the times I have learned the most about myself and developed the most strength. You have my best wishes as you move forward, it sounds like you're handling this as well as can be expected so far.

[MrBug708]

I broke up with my gf of two years yesterday so I can sympathize. But I dont have nearly the time commitment that you put in. Best of luck man

[Sun Tzu]

There's no kind of joy like the joy the love brings, and unfortuantely there's no kind of hurt either. I think most of the posters here have had somewhat similar experiences, and most of the advice given in this thread I agree with.

So...grieve all you want...take as much time as you feel that you need...and then...smell the roses my friend

[Butter]

Thanks for sharing that, and good luck to you. Hope things continue to improve each day.

[CamEdwards]

Originally Posted by sterlingice

My wife was really confused when I hugged her this morning and said "this was from kingnebwsu"

Seriously, tho, I don't have much to add except what others have said. It sucks but it will get better and you'll be in a better place down the road. If it wasn't meant to be, you can't force it.

SI

My wife was strangely nonplussed when I gave her the hug from kingnebwsu. I'm not sure what that means.

Seriously Ben, I've never had a breakup after that long of a relationship, so I can only imagine the amount of suckage you're dealing with right now. This situation, as bad as it may be, is still a tiny bit better than what you'd be dealing with if you had let the relationship fester for any prolonged period of time. I know it doesn't help much to realize it, but better that you've made the break so one day, when you're ready, you can start looking ahead.

[M GO BLUE!!!]

Originally Posted by DaddyTorgo

+1

Been there, done that. Still don't look nearly as much as I did before. And heaven help me if I see a couple holding-hands or being cutesy, or engaging in PDA...I sneer at them while internally falling apart.

I have made natural bodily noises when just happening to walk by a couple making out.

I look as much as I did before... I just now look and think "Be careful what you wish for..."

[Eaglesfan27]

Best of luck, Ben. Like others here, I've been through this before and it does eventually get better.

[M GO BLUE!!!]

Here's a good idea...

Write yourself a note. List all the things that she did that made it not work for you. Then keep it, just in case you do the usual thing after a while and only remember the good times...

[kingnebwsu]

Thank you to everyone for all your kind words I guess having almost 30 replies in less than a day is why I posted my story on here.

I've been looking really hard at the whole "7 steps of grief" thing. I've really been avoiding the anger step...until I had a dream about something this morning and I woke up angry & sad. It's weird because this whole time I haven't really felt much "punch her in the face" anger as opposed to a "why did she do this to me?" sort of anger. I guess that statement may give insight into what happened, but I swear I'm not going to go into it here

I'll remember this time for the rest of my life. It's so hard to think that philosophically but there are portions of the last 5 days that I'll be replaying in my head over & over for months (and maybe years) to come.

I think one of the hardest things to do when breaking up with someone is facing your romantic mortality. What I mean is, when you break up with someone...you need to face the fact that there's a chance that you'll be single for the rest of your life. I'm not fishing for anything with that statement, but it had been 6 years in between serious girlfriends for me before her...and it may be 6 more years (or longer) before my next serious one. Accepting/facing these facts will be a huge part in the "acceptance" part of the grief cycle.

Anyway, any further comments and such are appreciated. I don't want to stop the replies with my reply (like happens in so many threads). But seriously everyone...thank you so much for all of your reponses

-Ben

[DaddyTorgo]

Originally Posted by kingnebwsu

I think one of the hardest things to do when breaking up with someone is facing your romantic mortality. What I mean is, when you break up with someone...you need to face the fact that there's a chance that you'll be single for the rest of your life. I'm not fishing for anything with that statement, but it had been 6 years in between serious girlfriends for me before her...and it may be 6 more years (or longer) before my next serious one. Accepting/facing these facts will be a huge part in the "acceptance" part of the grief cycle.

This feeds back into learning to live with yourself as a single person though. Being comfortable with yourself. And I know that knowing that and actualizing it are two different things, but I think that's essentially the key here.

Not accusing you of being this bad, but I've known some (females) who were serial-relationshipers, moving from one to the other, afraid to be alone. Best advice I ever gave them was "be single for at least a year."

I love that term "romantic mortality" though - that's awesome - I'm totally going to use it. And yes, confronting that is very difficult, and it's probably the piece that will end up taking the longest. It's also the piece that is the most apparent 24 hours a day, and the one that there isn't as much of an easy-fix for.

Be strong, and know that there are plenty of others who have gone through this type of situation (obviously) and that your friends, and FOFC also, are here for you.

[Izulde]

Originally Posted by DaddyTorgo

+1

Been there, done that. Still don't look nearly as much as I did before. And heaven help me if I see a couple holding-hands or being cutesy, or engaging in PDA...I sneer at them while internally falling apart.

+1.

In fact, I'm pretty much reaching the point where I've accepted my romantic mortality (which -is- an awesome term, I agree) as fate.

Not to say that I don't still make the occasional effort to ask girls out on a date or something. I do, every now and then.

But I've stopped caring whether they say yes or no. It's all the same in the end to me.

[sabotai]

Originally Posted by DaddyTorgo

Not accusing you of being this bad, but I've known some (females) who were serial-relationshipers, moving from one to the other, afraid to be alone. Best advice I ever gave them was "be single for at least a year."

I'm about to hit year #3 of 100% singlehood and I still have no real desire to get into a serious relationship. I'm still in a frame of mind where I want total freedom for at least 6 1/2 days of the week.

My last relationship was with a chick who was definitely a "serial-relationshiper". Which meant that she lied to my face and kept me around after she didn't want to still be in a relationship with me until she found someone else. The only thing that really gets to me about that anymore is that if she had just broken up with me when she really wanted to, I could have had 4 or 5 years of enjoying the single life instead of only 3.

[mrsimperless]

There's a LOT to be said for being able to do what you want, when you want, 100% of the time. I've been divorced for coming on six years now and I don't see that changing any time soon. I've had girlfriends in between, serious ones even, but I just can't bring myself to pull the trigger again. There is a lot I want to accomplish in my life, and judging by how much I get done when I'm on my own being in a serious relationship would only make things worse.

Hang in there. Watch swingers and drink some beer. Enjoy your life.

[Rizon]

Well, I broke up my 132 month relationship a couple months ago, so I win. =)

[Brian Swartz]

I've been looking really hard at the whole "7 steps of grief" thing. I've really been avoiding the anger step...until I had a dream about something this morning and I woke up angry & sad. It's weird because this whole time I haven't really felt much "punch her in the face" anger as opposed to a "why did she do this to me?" sort of anger. I guess that statement may give insight into what happened, but I swear I'm not going to go into it here

I'll remember this time for the rest of my life. It's so hard to think that philosophically but there are portions of the last 5 days that I'll be replaying in my head over & over for months (and maybe years) to come.

I'll add my .02 in here. I don't usually comment on these types of topics, but for some background I am one who virulently and passionately opposes serial/casual dating, mostly for the reason that I feel one should not ask for an emotional commitment/fulfillment of perceived romantic needs from someone who you don't care strongly for. I say that not as a speech and don't want to digress into that debate, but just so that my point of view is out there.

I'm 31, single, never married and have loved two women in my life. The first was ten years ago, and was a situation where I knew it wasn't right(she was shallow and self-centered and a serial dater). The most difficult thing to that point in my life I'd ever done was to not pursue a relationship which she was obviously interested in(and many friends said I was an idiot for not pursuing, physically the girl was practically a goddess and far more than I could ever warrant) because I knew it was in the best interests of all concerned to keep things as they were -- to me, a central characteristic of love is a desire to put the other person's need above your own.

Since that time, I've met many women but none of them sparked the same feelings as she did, and so I never really pursued any of them. I've often wondered if I made a mistake, even though I really know it was the correct move. I've thought about the 'romantic mortality' angle and had come to the conclusion that I was to be single for life, which I truly believe is best for a small percentage of people.

Three months ago, all of that changed, as I met someone through work that has totally changed my life. Best way I can describe is that if God asked me to make the perfect woman for me, I'd say start with her because that'd be 90% of the way there. Without doing anything but being the incredible person that she is, she has changed my outlook on life completely, and I am a much more positive, optimistic, productive, and less selfish man for having the priviledge to know her -- there's nobody else I've ever met who deserves to be compared in the same sentence. However, due to circumstances that I'll not divulge here, I know that no romantic relationship is possible now and almost certainly ever. We are friends, but that is where it has to stay.

Because of that, I can fully identify with the seven stages of grief. I've gone through the whole gamut of human emotion several times over about this. Anger, depression, frustration that we didn't meet under different conditions, and on the other side elation, joy etc. that I at least have the good fortune to have met someone as amazing as her and to have the small part in her life that I do. I've cried like an infant on a number of occasions. What I always come back to though is that knowing her is still a fundamentally inspiring thing -- she is a far better person than I am and my admiration for that, and desire to be the best friend to her that I can be because I do love her more than I thought I was capable of loving anybody keeps me going and is the driving force behind my attitude and the way we interact.

I can fully identify with the OP and others who have posted here, and while there is a lot of pain when going through these types of things. What encourages me is to look back on the first situation, because it makes me truly thankful I did the right thing there, and gives me hope that doing the right thing now will not result me being miserable the rest of my life, though there is still a lot of emotional pain that I have to fight through constantly, particularly since it's someone I work with regularly which has tremendous benefits and downsides with the extreme emotions that come with it. For me it is perhaps even more intense than the average person, since I tend to be relatively solitary and live somewhat of a stoic life -- I'm far from being overly emotional, and for almost my entire life have succeeded in never getting too high and too low. This woman has thrown all of that carefully cultivated emotional control out the window, but so help me I am determined to honor who she is -- whatever it takes.

The part about remembering this the rest of your life is particularly appropriate. I have a very strong sense of being at a crossroads, with major, unknown consequences no matter how I play the next period of time in my life. I focus on living moment to moment, because if I worry about the next week or two or more I'll curl into a bawl in the corner. I just concentrate on getting through what I've got to get through right now, tomorrow has enough of it's own worries, etc. I am also motivated by the desire to look back on this in 5 years and know that I fully lived this period of time and this relationship, no matter how it turns out, with courage and strength of conviction, because if I do that at least I'll be able to live with myself.

[kingnebwsu]

Hey guys. Just an update. It's been a tumultuous 10 days now. I've spent the last 4 nights away from home. I don't know if I'm going to see her again. I seriously want to say so many things to her...but honestly they won't make a difference. I will NEVER get the answers that I want. Ever. And I have to accept that.

I think the hardest thing to accept is the thought of her with another guy. I'm normally a pretty even-keeled person, but I've almost had 2 anxiety attacks/complete emotional breakdowns in the last week. Not good. Again, part of the healing process (at least for me) is to accept the fact that in a few weeks she's probably going to have sex with some guy. I need to deal with that in my own way.

It's really up & down. Thursday night (after our "final" talk) I felt great and slept more than I had in a week. Then Fri. night and all day Sat. I was a complete wreck. But I had a breakdown last night and for the last 14 hours or so I've felt better. It's going to go in waves and I just have to be ready to deal with it.

I'm in Columbus now visiting a friend. I plan on spending every night away from the house (until she's gone). I don't think I will ever understand why she did what she did. But dealing with that & the other stuff I've listed will be part of the recovery process.

I hate this being in limbo thing. I just want her out so I can try & resume a semi-normal routine. The true "moving on" cannot happen until she's completely out of my house.

One of my friends kept saying "Thank God this happened now" like 6 times in a row. If this had happened later then it would be more messy (possibly with marriage, kids, or a house). Fighting for custody of the cat has not been good & it's a fight I think I'm going to lose. Against my better judgment I'm probably going to stop by home on my way to my dad's tonight. I'll make it a quick stop & focus on getting a check for some stuff and maybe pick up a few more things I'll need this week.

On the plus side, I've lost 10 pounds in the last week I was stagnant on my diet but this has really kicked it into gear. And no, I'm not starving myself. It's just that my appetite is very limited and the stress is not keeping any food inside me for very long. Down 55 pounds since June!

Hopefully today will be a good day. Is it weird that I'm thinking about starting a "dynasty" about my break-up/recovery. That's messed up, right? It would just be an online journal of sorts I guess. I dunno. We'll see how I'm doing next week.

I miss the old me where all that mattered was my sports teams & my video games. I think I've learned a lot about life & what I want from it & all that stuff. I *hope* that I will retain these lessons and that it will make me a better person in the long run. And most of all, I hope I someday get a chance to find my true love with another woman. And I hope that she & I will get to be together forever.

[path12]

Things you already know for certain:

The things you want to say will not make a difference.
You will never get the answers that you want or think you want.
You are going to have wild up and down emotional swings.

Luckily, these are the most important things to realize right now. Hang in there.