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Old 08-05-2008, 11:59 AM   #1
Subby
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Charles Haley was feelin' it. No...really.

hxxp://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2008/08/charles-haley-would-like-you-to-watch-him-masturbate.html

Charles Haley Would Like You To Watch Him Masturbate

Jeff Pearlman has a new book coming out in September called Boys Will Be Boys, which chronicles the Cowboys during the Aikman-Smith-Irvin glory years. Tucked inside the book is a chapter called “The Last Naked Warrior,” which is a nickname defensive end Charles Haley used for himself. Haley, if you recall, was a goddamn beast of a pass rusher, and also a legendary asshole. But what you may not know about Haley is that he was:

A) Legitimately insane
B) Hung like Milton Berle
C) Liked jacking off in front of teammates and coaches

And not playful jerking off. We’re talking the real, hardcore, I’m-home-and-my-wife-is-at-the-movies jerking off. I’ll let Pearlman fill you in:

"Haley would stroll up to an unsuspecting (49er) teammate, whip out his phallus, and repeatedly stroke it in his face. Players initially laughed it off…"

Hey look, it’s Charles’ huge erection! And he’s pleasuring himself! Man, that is funny.

"But Haley refused to stop. He would jerk off in the locker room, in the trainer’s room. He’d wrap his hand around his penis, turn toward a Joe Montana or John Taylor, and bellow, ‘You know you wanna suck this!’"

Well, it was San Francisco. I, for one, am glad to see that Haley liked to go native. I’m assuming Montana replied, “Really? I know I wanna suck that? Well, it hadn’t occurred to me before. But now that you’re masturbating right in front of me in a completely unprofessional manner, I can see your point.”

Pearlman also gets this quote from Michael Silver:

”Charles used to beat off in meetings while talking graphically about other players’ wives. It got to the point of ejaculation.”

Well, if you don’t reach the point of ejaculation, there IS no point. Am I right? Think about this quote for just a moment. You go to work. You go sit in a meeting. Then Bob from Accounting decides to take out his Frankencock and starts talking about banging your wife, and then orgasms right in front of you.

That’s… unusual. It won’t surprise you to know that Haley was also a raging homophobe, saying to a new Cowboy teammate once:

“You’re from California? You must be a fucking faggot.”


And he would know! Because he was in California once, jerking off in front of large groups of other men. I haven’t seen a homosexual this insecure since Vin Diesel. Brady Quinn would like him to sign with the Browns ASAP.
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I do shit, I take pictures, I write about it: chrisshue.com


Last edited by Subby : 08-05-2008 at 12:01 PM.
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Old 08-05-2008, 12:01 PM   #2
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Charles Haley named his cat Ceiling Cat
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Last edited by Draft Dodger : 08-05-2008 at 12:05 PM.
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Old 08-05-2008, 12:03 PM   #3
wade moore
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uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh......
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Maybe I am just getting old though, but I am learning to not let perfect be the enemy of the very good...
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Old 08-05-2008, 12:03 PM   #4
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meh, that doesn't sound all that unusual
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Old 08-05-2008, 12:03 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Subby View Post
”Charles used to beat off in meetings while talking graphically about other players’ wives. It got to the point of ejaculation.”

Well, if you don’t reach the point of ejaculation, there IS no point. Am I right? Think about this quote for just a moment. You go to work. You go sit in a meeting. Then Bob from Accounting decides to take out his Frankencock and starts talking about banging your wife, and then orgasms right in front of you.
.
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Old 08-05-2008, 12:07 PM   #6
albionmoonlight
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Awesome story.
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Old 08-05-2008, 12:08 PM   #7
st.cronin
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When I hear stories like that, I am so glad I didn't become a professional athlete.
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Old 08-05-2008, 12:10 PM   #8
albionmoonlight
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Oh, and a note in case any of you guys end up as my co-worker. I don't really recognize this distinction:

Quote:
And not playful jerking off. We’re talking the real, hardcore, I’m-home-and-my-wife-is-at-the-movies jerking off. I’ll let Pearlman fill you in:

If you take out your dick and play with it in front of me, even in a "playful" manner, I'm probably going to HR to file a complaint.

Consider this fair warning.
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Old 08-05-2008, 12:11 PM   #9
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Oh. My. God.
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Old 08-05-2008, 12:12 PM   #10
cartman
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I never realized that Fritz is actually Charles Haley. Wow.
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Old 08-05-2008, 12:13 PM   #11
Mustang
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Originally Posted by st.cronin View Post
When I hear stories like that, I am so glad I didn't become a professional athlete.

I don't know... I'm masturbating around teammates is common then I could possibly give it a whirl with joining a womans soccer team.
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Old 08-05-2008, 12:13 PM   #12
headtrauma
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Didn't Haley also take a dump on someone's car?
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Old 08-05-2008, 12:17 PM   #13
rkmsuf
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Didn't Haley also take a dump on someone's car?

No, he shit on someone's house.
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Old 08-05-2008, 12:25 PM   #14
Kodos
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Hmmmm. Makes you think about J.J.'s hair.
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Old 08-05-2008, 12:26 PM   #15
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He’d wrap his hand around his penis, turn toward a Joe Montana or John Taylor, and bellow, ‘You know you wanna suck this!’"
"If anyone needs me, I'll be upstairs in my room masturbating."
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Old 08-05-2008, 12:26 PM   #16
st.cronin
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I just noticed Subby's new location. I like it.
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Old 08-05-2008, 12:29 PM   #17
Mustang
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No, he shit on someone's house.


Kenneth Wurman's house?
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Old 08-05-2008, 12:30 PM   #18
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Najah Davenport took a shit in some girls laundry basket!
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Old 08-05-2008, 12:32 PM   #19
rkmsuf
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Kenneth Wurman's house?

No, Amanda Peterson's which inspired the scene in the movie.

Najeh Davenport failed horribly years later when all he could muster was a shit in a closet.
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Old 08-05-2008, 12:33 PM   #20
Mustang
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No, Amanda Peterson's


Speaking of masturbating...
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Old 08-05-2008, 12:48 PM   #21
flere-imsaho
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Wow.
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Old 08-05-2008, 01:00 PM   #22
Julio Riddols
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Charles in charge, of our days, and our nights...
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Old 08-05-2008, 01:05 PM   #23
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Haley, if you recall, was a goddamn beast of a pass rusher

The only part that I care about. He made the Cowboys from a very good team to a great team...
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Old 08-05-2008, 01:08 PM   #24
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When I hear stories like that, I so wish I had become a professional athlete.
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Old 08-05-2008, 01:14 PM   #25
ISiddiqui
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Awkward.
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Old 08-05-2008, 01:54 PM   #26
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"If anyone needs me, I'll be upstairs in my room masturbating."

I wonder if Charles Haley was the motivation for that sketch...
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Old 08-05-2008, 02:21 PM   #27
spleen1015
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This is all a plot to keep him out of the HoF.
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Old 08-05-2008, 02:22 PM   #28
Dr. Sak
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This is all a plot to keep him out of the HoF.

Or maybe he wants a different Head Shot in the HoF.
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Old 08-05-2008, 02:23 PM   #29
rkmsuf
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The Charles Haley induction speech should feature a hooker in the podium giving him head.
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Old 08-05-2008, 03:26 PM   #30
Bad-example
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I always wondered why he was such an outcast that he had to be traded away from the 49ers, but fit in so well in Dallas.
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Old 08-05-2008, 04:05 PM   #31
JAG
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But now that you’re masturbating right in front of me in a completely unprofessional manner

I'm really glad they added that qualifier there.

Oddly, not long ago I was trying to find the exact trade details of what Dallas gave to SF to obtain Haley and I found the following article:

hxxp://www.dallasobserver.com/1997-09-25/news/one-angry-man/

Kind of long, but an interesting look into a unique guy.
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Old 08-05-2008, 04:51 PM   #32
Thomkal
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Wow.

I dare you to put this story in your NFL week in Pictures.
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Old 08-05-2008, 05:19 PM   #33
st.cronin
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I dare you to put this story in your NFL week in Pictures.

Please, no.
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Old 08-05-2008, 08:56 PM   #34
Shkspr
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I dare you to put this story in your NFL week in Pictures.


Here's a little preview:
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Old 08-05-2008, 09:03 PM   #35
SFL Cat
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Wow.

This one is definitely begging for a diagram.
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Old 08-05-2008, 09:30 PM   #36
thesloppy
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---snip---

Berle was also famous within show business for the rumored size of his penis. Phil Silvers once told a story about standing next to Berle at a urinal, glancing down, and quipping, "You'd better feed that thing, or it's liable to turn on you!" Saturday Night Live writer Alan Zweibel, who had written many Friars Club jokes about Berle's penis for other comedians, described being treated to a private showing: "He just takes out this— this anaconda. He lays it on the table and I'm looking into this thing, right? I'm looking into the head of Milton Berle's dick. It was enormous. It was like a pepperoni. And he goes, 'What do you think of the boy?' And I'm looking right at it and I go, 'Oh, it's really, really nice.'" At a memorial service for Berle at the New York Friars' Club, Freddie Roman solemnly announced, "On May 1st and May 2nd, his penis will be buried."

---snip---
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Old 08-05-2008, 09:59 PM   #37
Izulde
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Charles Haley is awesome.
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Old 08-05-2008, 10:26 PM   #38
Dr. Sak
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Charles Haley is awesome.

Send him that picture of you on the bed. I'm sure he'll like it.
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Old 08-05-2008, 10:35 PM   #39
JeeberD
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Charles Haley is awesome.

This post is awesome...
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Old 08-05-2008, 10:44 PM   #40
EagleFan
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I ca see his induction speach now. Midway he whips it out and yells to the crowd "You know you want to suck it!!!"

I bet we know the answer Aikman gave him...
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Old 08-05-2008, 10:46 PM   #41
JeeberD
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Hey, your Reggie White is showing, EF...
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Old 08-05-2008, 11:13 PM   #42
EagleFan
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Hey, your Reggie White is showing, EF...

My best DE in history?
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Old 08-06-2008, 12:06 AM   #43
TCY Junkie
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Charles
Haley
Evidently
Enjoyed
To
Openly
Stroke
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