Argh! I got played!

[Drake]

dola...

And to get this thread back on track...despite the fact that ISiddiqui's relationship was, in fact, over, I think it was important for him to confront her and catch her in the lie. The most underrated fact about infidelity is that ultimately it isn't the sex that ends most relationships, it's the lies told during and after. Once you know someone is willing to lie to you to protect their own selfish interests -- once the trust is compromised -- the relationship is never the same again.

[Eaglesfan27]

Originally Posted by Drake

I agree completely that it is a terrible plan. Revenge is almost always a terrible plan. If my situation was less complicated (i.e., if my wife wasn't bipolar with schizophrenic tendencies), staying would be less of an option, but she really isn't a fit parent to raise our children by herself...and despite that fact, it's very likely that she would get custody. As grumpy as I sounded last night about staying purely out of revenge, the full truth is that I stay to give my kids a stable launch pad into adulthood and to protect them from her manic rages.

If she has cheated multiple times (I'm assuming you have proof) and is psychiatrically unstable, why do you think she would win custody?

[ISiddiqui]

True... and even if the relationship is over, you know that she was willing to lie to protect her own selfish interests and it makes you feel better about the breakup.

[Karlifornia]

I just have to say to Drake:

You are in a position, while unenviable, still has it's advantages. You are with a woman that has proven herself to be nothing but a two-timing, heartless ho-bag, and though you know the relationship is over, she has no idea.

I think you should take this opportunity to degrade her with some of the best "anger sex" you can possibly have. I mean, really break out the big guns here. I'm talking facials behind Denny's and stuff.

I'm just saying, if I had known with past girlfriends that a breakup was nigh, I would have used the remaining time to really satisfy my carnal desires!

[miked]

Originally Posted by Drake

dola...

And to get this thread back on track...despite the fact that ISiddiqui's relationship was, in fact, over, I think it was important for him to confront her and catch her in the lie. The most underrated fact about infidelity is that ultimately it isn't the sex that ends most relationships, it's the lies told during and after. Once you know someone is willing to lie to you to protect their own selfish interests -- once the trust is compromised -- the relationship is never the same again.

Why is it supposed to make it better to catch her in a lie, especially if the relationship is over. Is that going to make things better? Maybe it will make somebody feel better briefly, but the underlying issue he is apparently not comfortable with will still be there. If it's going to be the end of a romantic relationship, why keep dwelling on what said person is doing?

[Drake]

Originally Posted by Eaglesfan27

If she has cheated multiple times (I'm assuming you have proof) and is psychiatrically unstable, why do you think she would win custody?

I live in a no-fault state. The fact that she was unfaithful multiple times (with more than just my best friend, but I won't get into that here) doesn't have any bearing on asset distribution or custody.

We found out that she was bipolar/schizophrenic as a result of individual counseling after her affair. She's been on medication for the last 18 months which has largely controlled her symptoms. (Since you're a psychiatrist, you're probably interested: she's taking Lamictal at well over the recommended dosage, and it's working. Of course, that doesn't stop her from obsessive behaviors, like her current 20+ hour a day fixation with Buffy the Vampire Slayer fan fiction, but it does keep her from raging.) Bottom line is that she is currently on meds and "stable". How long she would remain stable without me there to keep her med compliant (which is an issue for bipolars) is anyone's guess.

Of course, you've also got to factor in that I had encephalitic meningitis in the last five years, and while I'm healthy now and have been for the last few years, it's safe to say that my health could be classified as "at-risk". So that would weigh into a custody decision from a judge's perspective just as heavily as "treated mental illness". There are, in short, plenty of complications to go around that make this less than a clear cut "she cheated, so I'm out of here" situation

Ultimately, the chance that she would get custody and end up being the one raising the kids is a risk I'm not willing to take.

ETA: So I re-read my comments from last night, and I'm realizing this morning that I painted a much grimmer picture of my emotional state than I normally feel. Rest assured that it was the grumpy, angry me posting last night, and I don't live in that head space most of the time. Sometimes you just need to spew the poison to get it out of your system.

[Drake]

Originally Posted by Karlifornia

I just have to say to Drake:

You are in a position, while unenviable, still has it's advantages. You are with a woman that has proven herself to be nothing but a two-timing, heartless ho-bag, and though you know the relationship is over, she has no idea.

I think you should take this opportunity to degrade her with some of the best "anger sex" you can possibly have. I mean, really break out the big guns here. I'm talking facials behind Denny's and stuff.

I'm just saying, if I had known with past girlfriends that a breakup was nigh, I would have used the remaining time to really satisfy my carnal desires!

Heh. Obviously, you're one of the few people on the planet who hasn't slept with my wife. There isn't anything I could come up with for "anger sex" that she wouldn't be willing to do normally...well, not anything between the two of us, anyway. Things like threesomes would be straight out, because she doesn't like to share.

She's really big on strict monogamy...for me, anyway.

Originally Posted by miked

Why is it supposed to make it better to catch her in a lie, especially if the relationship is over. Is that going to make things better? Maybe it will make somebody feel better briefly, but the underlying issue he is apparently not comfortable with will still be there. If it's going to be the end of a romantic relationship, why keep dwelling on what said person is doing?

Check out ISiddiqui's post a couple above yours. That sums it up nicely.

[CamEdwards]

Originally Posted by Drake

Heh. Obviously, you're one of the few people on the planet who hasn't slept with my wife. There isn't anything I could come up with for "anger sex" that she wouldn't be willing to do normally...well, not anything between the two of us, anyway. Things like threesomes would be straight out, because she doesn't like to share.

She's really big on strict monogamy...for me, anyway.

Maybe y'all need a family vacation at RendeR's place for a couple of weeks?

[ISiddiqui]

Originally Posted by Drake

Check out ISiddiqui's post a couple above yours. That sums it up nicely.

I figured that if she's willing to lie to protect her selfish interests there, that she probably had no problems doing it during the relationship as well.

[Drake]

Good point, Cam.

That actually gets back to the point about honesty in the relationship that's so crucial. RendeR's situation works because he and his wife are behaving honestly within the context of their relationship. I got over the cheating angle a while ago. What I struggle with is the long stretch of lies, secrecy and betrayals that are necessary for affairs to take place.

My wife has been very up front that she had no plans of leaving the marriage. She wasn't in love. She was stressed and bored and manic and had too much time on her hands. My best friend worked nights, so they hung out together during the day while I was at work. She still claims that she had no emotional attachment to him. He was just there.

*shurg*

I can handle that aspect. It was all the lies, excuses and justifications over two years that I can't wrap my brain around.

[BrianD]

Originally Posted by miked

Why is it supposed to make it better to catch her in a lie, especially if the relationship is over. Is that going to make things better? Maybe it will make somebody feel better briefly, but the underlying issue he is apparently not comfortable with will still be there. If it's going to be the end of a romantic relationship, why keep dwelling on what said person is doing?

I'm going to piggy-back off of this post and suggest that it would actually be worse to catch her in the lie. At this point, your (not you MikeD) trust issues at least contributed to the end of the relationship. Confirming those trust issues will only make you more likely to trust your own future lack of trust in relationships and cause you to believe you are always being lied to. If you leave this as a question, there will be at least some part of you think will think your lack of trust was wrong. This may help you not make automatic judgments in the future.

[Drake]

Hmm. But in this case, his "automatic judgment" was actually correct. He had a girlfriend with inappropriate boundary issues with a friend. That sounds like less of a trust issue than someone seeing the red flags and raising legitimate concerns about potential perils to the relationship.

[Subby]

OH I DIDNT REALIZE THIS THREAD WAS TITLED ARGH! DRAKE GOT PLAYED!?

[Pumpy Tudors]

CALM DOWN STUBBY

[Subby]

I JUST GOT SERVED.

[MikeVic]

Stubby Clapp.

[ISiddiqui]

Well, apparently she freaked out over my comments this morning (I admit it wasn't the smartest thing) and tried to tell my friend to tell me that if I didn't knock it off, she'd call the cops (I'm not intending to make it a habit or anything). A bit of an overreaction seeing as how we are basically on a diagonal from each other.

Perhaps subconsciously I just wanted to tweak her a bit. Not going to even attempt to do that again or really talk to her (I wasn't anyway).

[sabotai]

Originally Posted by ISiddiqui

if I didn't knock it off, she'd call the cops

Now that's funny!

[Synovia]

For the record, "i don't want people at XXXXXX to know" means "I don't want you keeping me from getting some elsewhere"

[CamEdwards]

Originally Posted by ISiddiqui

Well, apparently she freaked out over my comments this morning (I admit it wasn't the smartest thing) and tried to tell my friend to tell me that if I didn't knock it off, she'd call the cops (I'm not intending to make it a habit or anything). A bit of an overreaction seeing as how we are basically on a diagonal from each other.

Perhaps subconsciously I just wanted to tweak her a bit. Not going to even attempt to do that again or really talk to her (I wasn't anyway).

How do you think this will affect your employment if she decides to portray you as "creepy stalker guy"?

[Eaglesfan27]

Originally Posted by Synovia

For the record, "i don't want people at XXXXXX to know" means "I don't want you keeping me from getting some elsewhere"

Yep, everytime, unless there is a work policy that necessitates the secretiveness.

[chesapeake]

Originally Posted by Drake

I live in a no-fault state. The fact that she was unfaithful multiple times (with more than just my best friend, but I won't get into that here) doesn't have any bearing on asset distribution or custody.

You sound like you are talking about no-fault auto insurance, not no-fault divorce. No-fault divorce refers to the ability for the court to grant divorce without a cause, such as adultery or cruelty. Awarding custody of children is a whole different ball of wax, and can be based on a number of pertinent factors, including the mental stability of the individuals in question.

I'm not suggesting that you go one way or another in your marriage, but I do believe it is always important to have accurate information as to what your real options are. A few bucks for a consultation with a competent divorce lawyer in your area may well be worth it. Life is too short to spend years unnecessarily unhappy.

[ISiddiqui]

Originally Posted by CamEdwards

How do you think this will affect your employment if she decides to portray you as "creepy stalker guy"?

Well, I think most people that know me won't actually consider it to be true. Or at least not that true. Furthermore, it's government work . And its fairly independant driven. While we have groups, there isn't really any team work and we really just deal with our immediate managment.

[miked]

The most shocking thing i've learned in this thread is that people around here take MARTA to get to work. Unbelievable.

As an aside, when I first moved here from Boston we only had one car and I took 2 buses to get to work.

[korme]

Isid, you aren't really letting on that it is tough for you right now, and I don't know if that is because it just isn't or that you don't want to seem weak. So I'm going to assume that it is tough for you, but the best thing to do is not 'accidentally' run into her in a parking lot or at work or anything, just pretend like she isn't there, don't even look to see if her car is parked at her apartment. You just have to move forward and while it isn't easy, it will get better and there will finally be a time where you are completely past it.

[ISiddiqui]

No, I don't mean to do that... it is tough for me and I know I have to be pro-active in steps to just get over it. And that means running into her as little as possible, and either pretend she isn't there or give a little nod and move on.

[Danny]

Any vacation time saved up? Maybe go take a trip for a week or two to someplace fun

[thesloppy]

So, just for my own clarification, you live in the same apartment complex as yourrecent ex, AND you work roughly 5 feet away from her AND the yamsack you think she's banging, AND you've got a previous 6 year history of muddying these things up already.

A) That sucks. My ultimate sympathies.
B) You're fucked.

Sorry to be glib, but seriously, I don't think that the most healthy and well-balanced person in the world could handle that situation well...especially with a long previous history blurring the boundaries of all of the people and places involved. Have you considered more drastic changes? I don't know if you'll ever be able to achieve a comfortable separation in your current situation (at least I wouldn't).

[MikeVic]

Yeah I would need complete separation.

[ISiddiqui]

Well, she did apply for a job in Washington D.C. And they haven't gotten back to her yet. So there is chance she could move there. Though the other ass, who probably now thinks even worse of me (if that was possible) will likely stay around in the office. But he's easily avoidable if need be.