Oh crap.

[M GO BLUE!!!]

My 14 year old daughter's mother now wants her to come spend at least two weeks next summer with me.

This, as the relationship is already deteriorating rapidly between me and the kid due to her freaking out over my "spying" on her and how she needs her privacy.

I don't even know if there is anything to say to her on the phone, much less how we can stand two weeks of staring at each other in a one bedroom apartment in a city where she has no friends.

Additionally I would have to take the two weeks off work, as I can't trust her to run around NYC alone every evening (I work 3-10p)

It's a year away, yet I'm already dreading it... I probably have about 2 or three days worth of crap to do before I flat out run out of ideas... and I'm not going to throw money at trying to keep her entertained.

Someone should come up with some sort of system where parents can drop their kids off at 13 and pick them up at 22.

[NoMyths]

All due respect--she's your daughter. Care about being a good father to her.

[Karlifornia]

You'll be able to manage.Most people have to deal with the responsibility for 18 years, and you're worried about two weeks? Not that I know your family history or anything.....but maybe you'll actually connect and develop a bond that seems to be sorely lacking. Spending time with your daughter will be good for both of you.

[st.cronin]

Sounds like a great opportunity.

[Lathum]

I saw her picture, she can come stay with me.

[Lathum]

dola- I think you'll be surprised how much you can do without spending alot of money.

[gkb]

Originally Posted by Lathum

I saw her picture, she can come stay with me.

Dude...sick and wrong, but still funny. Well played.

[JediKooter]

She's 14, all teenagers are mentally retarded until they get to about 24 or 25. She'll get over the 'privacy' thing.

I have two step daughters 12 and 14 and both of them know that emails, text messages, instant messages and all other forms of electronic communications are monitored by my wife. Until they are 18, there is no such thing as privacy when it comes to that stuff.

That all being said, she is your daughter and as uncomfortable as it may be, it's important to spend time with her.

[Eaglesfan27]

Even though teenagers act like they don't want to be around their parents, most of them crave attention from both parents. I hope you have a good time with your daughter next year.

[JPhillips]

I'd call her and leave a message on her phone that lets her know exactly how you feel about her and her mother.

[Schmidty]

Originally Posted by NoMyths

All due respect--she's your daughter. Care about being a good father to her.

Take off the "All due respect" part.

I have nothing else to say.

[Schmidty]

Dola.

Maybe I'm being too harsh because of my own life experiences, but the fact that this is an issue to you speaks loudly of your character and maturity.

[Lathum]

Originally Posted by Schmidty

Dola.

Maybe I'm being too harsh because of my own life experiences, but the fact that this is an issue to you speaks loudly of your character and maturity.

far less harsh of a statement

[M GO BLUE!!!]

Originally Posted by Schmidty

Dola.

Maybe I'm being too harsh because of my own life experiences, but the fact that this is an issue to you speaks loudly of your character and maturity.

I will ignore comments aimed toward my maturity and character by persons whom I do not actually know and cannot actually determine the value of such comments.

Why would it be an issue? Several years ago I would have done practically anything legal to spend a couple of weeks with my kid. Unfortunately his was not even considered an option by her mother. I was lucky to get an afternoon every couple of weeks when I lived in town, but that would frequently be canceled for anything that would come up. I have always had made it known that anytime she needed me to watch her I would do whatever I could. I was taken up on the offer once. She apologized to me, saying she had asked everybody to watch her including neighbors. So fast forward to a moment in time when even a week ago I would have thought this to be great. I then came across a myspace page set up by my 14 year old daughter where she claimed to be 18 and had a pic up of her on the hood of a car trying to look sexy. Instead of confronting her by phone or email I forward it to her mother for a much better in person confrontation.

My daughter flipped out, storming through the house screaming about how I have been spying on her and she needs privacy, slamming doors and the like. What can I do from 600 miles away? Call her? Email her? Nothing will get thru to her that I have to say... so I post a blog on myspace designed to get her interest and maybe get it into her head that there are people out there who if they get a chance will deposit what remains of her in a remote area unlikely to be found. I figured a blog complaining about her might get her interest more than a call yelling at her.

Maybe I could quit my job and move in with my mother to be closer... just to be shut out in person. But then what would pay for the private school she expects to go to?

When you want to go ballistic, but know that anything you try only goes as far as the lies she will tell you to shut you up, then she will continue to do what she wants as soon as she's away from you it is a depressing feeling. Imagine knowing that all you want for your kid is the best, but you know that they will not listen to a damn word you say, and really don't have to.

I will have to talk to her on Saturday. If I bring it up, she'll shut down. If I don't, she'll bullshit me by playing the nice little girl. I don't feel like bullshitting anymore. Frankly, I don't have a damn clue what to say that would do any good. So if you don't have a damn clue what to say to a child for a half hour phone conversation, what do you see two weeks of looking each other in the face as?

The only reason for the two week visit next year is her mother is sick of healing with her. For 14 years I have made a habit of not rocking the boat. When I did watch her the one night her mother unexpectedly asked me to, I was accused of dousing her with gasoline (had been painting with oil base paint in the basement prior to her call, so the house smelled a bit.) When I visit, the only time I get to see her is when she's not busy going to her friends parties. Recently I was there for a week for her 8th grade graduation... I saw her for an hour one day, then at the graduation itself.

The most time we have ever spent together was a shocking week four years ago. It was great! Every summer since then she has been too busy...

At least I have a year to get my place together (if her mother doesn't change her mind.)

[JeeberD]

She's a 14 year old girl...they have the attention span of a gnat. By this time next year this will have all blown over.

[TroyF]

Originally Posted by JeeberD

She's a 14 year old girl...they have the attention span of a gnat. By this time next year this will have all blown over.

By this time next week it will have all blown over.

But if it hasn't, so what? Really, why should you be broken up if a 14 year old girl is upset over something you believe is right?

By the sounds of it, the thing you need to be worried about most is if mom changes her mind and you take two weeks off work for nothing.

She's your daughter. If she comes, it's a great chance for you to try to connect in some way. It may not work, but you damned well should try. She's 14? This may be the last chance you ever have to spend more than a couple of days at a time with her.

I understand your frustration. (probably as well as anyone here, from the other side) At the end of the day, it's your daughter. I think you owe it to yourself to at least try.

Good luck.

[stevew]

Originally Posted by JPhillips

I'd call her and leave a message on her phone that lets her know exactly how you feel about her and her mother.

just don't call her a rude little pig.

[Lathum]

I think you need to relize that at 14 she will probably shut down and yell and scream and tell you she hates you but in the long run when she is older she will realize it was for her own good and appreciate you caring.

It's like Chris Rock said, you don't want her to end up on the pole.

[JediKooter]

So it's ok for her (at 14) to lie about her age, but, it's not ok for you (the parent) that finds a myspace page of her? That's not spying, it's in public view for the entire world to see. Unfortunately a 14 year old doesn't see it that way...

I think you took the right action by calling your ex up and telling her what's going on. I know I would want to know.

[Telle]

My daughter flipped out, storming through the house screaming...

Your daughter is a teenager.. get used to this happening on at least a weekly basis.

[BrianD]

Originally Posted by JediKooter

So it's ok for her (at 14) to lie about her age, but, it's not ok for you (the parent) that finds a myspace page of her? That's not spying, it's in public view for the entire world to see. Unfortunately a 14 year old doesn't see it that way...

I think you took the right action by calling your ex up and telling her what's going on. I know I would want to know.

I triple dog dare you to go at a 14 year old girl with logic as your primary weapon.

[hhiipp]

Maybe you chould show her the public service commericials that are on TV now with the old guys saying "HI" to the teenage girls whose pictures they've seen on the web. Maybe then she'd understand that the internet isn't a happy place, it's full of perverts who are just waiting for her new picture for jerk off materials.

[hhiipp]

Dola - included one of the video links http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hOwpGF1SOQM

[vex]

Just a minor detail. You realize that if you put that you're 14 on myspace, that only your friends can see your profile? Maybe she didn't want that.

[Synovia]

Just a note..she'll be 15 when she visits. Whats wrong with a 15 year old being alone in the city? I took the train to highschool at 14, and could galavant around boston as I saw fit. I honestly think I'm a more well adjusted person than any of my friends because I had to learn how to navigate the city myself.

[JediKooter]

Originally Posted by BrianD

I triple dog dare you to go at a 14 year old girl with logic as your primary weapon.

Exactly and the way she reacted, no amount of reasoning is going to work with her. In addition to the way she reacted, there's something much deeper going on in my opinion. I can only imagine what else she doesn't want mom and dad finding out about.

[Marc Vaughan]

Originally Posted by Lathum

I think you need to relize that at 14 she will probably shut down and yell and scream and tell you she hates you but in the long run when she is older she will realize it was for her own good and appreciate you caring.

It's like Chris Rock said, you don't want her to end up on the pole.

I agree with this wholeheartedly - my daughter regularly reminds me of how mean and horrible I am; it doesn't phase me at all these days ...

That being said though I think its probably easier for me as I'm lucky enough to be around my kids 24/7 (although much of the time that doesn't feel particularly 'lucky' ).

I know people who aren't in this situation find their role much harder, you still have the pressure from society to be a 'perfect parent' but much less chance to know your kids and how they will react, what they will like etc. - also if you only see them at weekends then the people I know in that situation seem to feel more pressure to ensure that they're 'happy' during that period rather than I do as a full-time parent.

As such I can relate somewhat to what you're saying and to be honest I understand why you're feeling under pressure it much be a hard situation to deal with, its one I'd hate to be in personally.

That being said I think its also an opportunity which you should take and hopefully it'll all work out well, if not then at least you'll know you tried your best ....

(for the people who aren't feeling sympathy - consider this, you get a random friend of your son/daughters to look after for a week with no one else around .... they aren't used to you, your house, your neighbourhood, your rules etc. .... have fun )

[Marc Vaughan]

Originally Posted by Synovia

Just a note..she'll be 15 when she visits. Whats wrong with a 15 year old being alone in the city? I took the train to highschool at 14, and could galavant around boston as I saw fit. I honestly think I'm a more well adjusted person than any of my friends because I had to learn how to navigate the city myself.

A lot depends on where she's from, how easily influenced she is etc. - I've known 13 year olds who could handle that environment and 16 year olds who's maturity and decision making terrified me.

[M GO BLUE!!!]

Originally Posted by Marc Vaughan

A lot depends on where she's from, how easily influenced she is etc. - I've known 13 year olds who could handle that environment and 16 year olds who's maturity and decision making terrified me.

Synovia... This is exactly why I wouldn't leave her alone. She'll be 15, sure. At 15 if I was left alone in NYC for seven hours every evening I would have spent my evenings getting food, walking around looking at the city, girl watching and hitting movies. I would have then lied my ass off to my friends about what I did, embellishing the hell out of it with stories I read in Penthouse Forum. With her history online, lying and modeling I would have to presume that she would meet a friend online in NYC that she wouldn't tell me about that she would go to see. At 15 I was a 6'2", 160 lb boy with a mustache and sideburns. She's a 5'6", 103 lbs and a pretty little girl. I had also been in more fights at that point than I could possibly remember and could handle myself fairly well if I needed to.

...In hoping that she might be spying on me I did post a blog earlier this week where I complained about her (to rope her in) and did outline how easy it would be for some 50 year old pervert like Lathum to get to be her "friend" and find out everything she openly informs people of online such as her high school, and how easy it would be to "meet" her.

I need to post another blog, hoping she comes across it, and talk about "privacy" and mention how some creep tried to give my kid sister and me a ride when I was 7 or 8 and she was 5 or 6. She wanted to take the ride. She didn't get scared until I told her to keep walking, but to run to bang on house doors if he got out of the car (I was going to run to attack him, figuring if he has an 8 year old boy attacking him he can't get to the little girl.)

Unfortunately, as I spent my adolescence protecting my baby sister (and beating the hell out of guys I heard liked her that I didn't approve of) I can't be there like that for my own kid.

Damn it.