Family Trips

[gottimd]

I have a question, my parents are trying to organize a family trip for a week to a place where we will all rent/share a house on or at least near the beach. It is an 8+ hour drive from where we are at. The catch is, is that they are asking us to pitch in money to help with the cost of the place.

Another family member of mine is mad that my parents aren't paying for the trip, or at least just saying "you guys take care of the flight/transportation down here, we'll take care of the rest". The irate family member says that the normal thing to do would be for the parents to at least pay for the house. I could understand if my parents could easily afford such a trip for a week for all of us, but I have seen the costs for places like these and it doesn't come cheap.

Now I don't have a large family, but I wanted to see what everyone on here thinks is normal Family Trip ettiquete. If your parents invited you on a family trip, do you pitch in some money, or do you just pay transportation costs and thats it?

[BrianD]

This totally depends on the family and the financial situation for the family members. If there are rich parents, it probably wouldn't be out of line for them to pay for the house, but there is nothing that says they have to...or even should. In a situation where the kids are doing OK financially, it seems reasonable for everyone to chip in. It would also seem reasonable for a family member to decide the cost is too much and choose not to attend. I don't think there are any rules about this sort of thing.

[Ksyrup]

My short answer would be that I would have an expectation of chipping in. However, it's likely more complicated than that. I would have to know what the practice has been in the past, how old every one is, what kind of "invitation" it is, etc.

In my situation, being in my 30s with a family, I would expect to chip in. I also know that based on the way we vacation, we try to have a vacation with my parents so they can see the kids. In that case, it's not so much an "invitation" to join them for a vacation they would already be taking, as it is a joint vacation that we would split costs on. So that's the way I would analyze it, given my family.

Having said that, my folks have a couple of Marriott timeshares, so effectively, we never pay for housing. But we do split food, pay for our own transportation, etc.

[gottimd]

Thanks BrianD, I agree, but I think the argument being made is that it is strange that my parents would suggest this trip if they weren't willing to pay for lodging, because "thats what normal parents do".

[Desnudo]

Depends on your parents' financial situation

[Ksyrup]

Originally Posted by gottimd

Thanks BrianD, I agree, but I think the argument being made is that it is strange that my parents would suggest this trip if they weren't willing to pay for lodging, because "thats what normal parents do".

Is this the first family outing of this kind? And what are the ages of the family members who have been invited?

I don't think there's a one-size-fits-all answer to this, is what we're saying. "Normal" parents could very easily describe either side of this, depending on all the other factors.

[gottimd]

Originally Posted by Ksyrup

My short answer would be that I would have an expectation of chipping in. However, it's likely more complicated than that. I would have to know what the practice has been in the past, how old every one is, what kind of "invitation" it is, etc.

In my situation, being in my 30s with a family, I would expect to chip in. I also know that based on the way we vacation, we try to have a vacation with my parents so they can see the kids. In that case, it's not so much an "invitation" to join them for a vacation they would already be taking, as it is a joint vacation that we would split costs on. So that's the way I would analyze it, given my family.

Having said that, my folks have a couple of Marriott timeshares, so effectively, we never pay for housing. But we do split food, pay for our own transportation, etc.

Practice has been lodging has been paid in the past, but we are older now (late 20's and early 30's) and more established. The invitation is open, and was just getting a general feel of who would be interested in the trip given the circumstances. There are no kids involved, its just a trip to spend time with the family. We actually made a similar trip a few years back and didn't pay for lodging. We used to do this trip to the same place on an annual basis when I was younger, but i think as time went along, it has become less affordable for my parents.

[gottimd]

Originally Posted by Ksyrup

Is this the first family outing of this kind? And what are the ages of the family members who have been invited?

I don't think there's a one-size-fits-all answer to this, is what we're saying. "Normal" parents could very easily describe either side of this, depending on all the other factors.

Nope. I have family all up and down the east coast and it is hard to coordinate schedules and get people to a reasonable place that will be fun for all. There is always talk about making trips but over the past year or so, it never panned out.

I wanted to see what the norm was for people here, whether they are the kids being invited by their parents, or the parents doing the inviting.

[Ksyrup]

After reading your initial post again, I guess the easy answer here, since they've come right out and asked for everyone to chip in, is that there should be no expectation that they pay for the housing. What are the circumstances of this particular family member? If this is just a case of "I don't feel like paying for the trip mom and dad used to pay for when we were in college," then I think it's a selfish and unwarranted attitude. If the anger stems from a more personal issue of affordability, then that' something they should take up with your folks to work out.

[BrianD]

Originally Posted by gottimd

Practice has been lodging has been paid in the past, but we are older now (late 20's and early 30's) and more established. The invitation is open, and was just getting a general feel of who would be interested in the trip given the circumstances. There are no kids involved, its just a trip to spend time with the family. We actually made a similar trip a few years back and didn't pay for lodging. We used to do this trip to the same place on an annual basis when I was younger, but i think as time went along, it has become less affordable for my parents.

At those ages, I'm surprised the kids even feel comfortable allowing the parents to pick up the lodging costs. I'm in my early 30s and while my parents will often pay for stuff, I generally try to fight them on it. Some parents are like that and never get used to the feeling of not paying for everything for the kids. Others realize that kids grow up and become successful adults capable to handling their own affairs. Neither side is wrong, the family dynamic just grows and changes. It seems normaly to expect that the parents "might" pay, but I would never expect that they "should".

[Telle]

Originally Posted by gottimd

Practice has been lodging has been paid in the past, but we are older now (late 20's and early 30's) and more established. The invitation is open, and was just getting a general feel of who would be interested in the trip given the circumstances. There are no kids involved, its just a trip to spend time with the family. We actually made a similar trip a few years back and didn't pay for lodging. We used to do this trip to the same place on an annual basis when I was younger, but i think as time went along, it has become less affordable for my parents.

I would think that if your parents paid in the past but are no longer able to afford paying it all by themselves, then they're probably a little bit embarrassed by needing to ask everyone to pitch in.. and I'd say your family member is being quite the ass to be throwing a fit and making it that much worse for them.

[Ksyrup]

Originally Posted by gottimd

Nope. I have family all up and down the east coast and it is hard to coordinate schedules and get people to a reasonable place that will be fun for all. There is always talk about making trips but over the past year or so, it never panned out.

I wanted to see what the norm was for people here, whether they are the kids being invited by their parents, or the parents doing the inviting.

Again, I think the bottom line is that even if everyone responded by saying it is normal for the parents to pay, in your case, they're basically telling you they can't. I don't think that's necessarily the norm given the age group involved, but even if it was, I think the "norm" is out the window. It may be a financial issue for your parents, or it may be a feeling that you're all older and should contribute.

My parents would never let us pay for dinner, but just within the past couple of years I've convinced them that I'm no longer a 20-something barely making ends meet, and they've relented. There could be an element of that change from kid to adult at work here, if the financial considerations aren't the issue. And I don't find that so unreasonable.

[gottimd]

Thanks all for the thoughts as I feel the same way as most here. I wasn't really looking for the typical norm as I know that there, as noted, are a variety of different situations that come into play.

[Mustang]

Are you parents expecting that everyone make it regardless? If so, I could see why someone might be a little upset that they are having to foot the bill for something they might not entirely want to do just so the parents don't get upset and hold it over their heads.

But, if your parents are just planning a vacation and anyone that comes, great.. well, then it is pretty crappy to assume that the parents should pay.

I always hated vacations that revolved around what someone else wants you to do on your vacation and plans everything out. (Common when I was on leave. I'd come home just to find out everything was planned. Didn't seem like a vacation...)

[Lathum]

Every summer for the last 6 years my family has gone on vacation to Nantucket, Me, my sister, her 3 kids and my parents ( and MollyMurphy this last year). My parents paid for the house and travel expenses ( gas, ferry, etc...). I would still have gone if I was asked to chip in but my parents like to take us and are fortunate to have the money to do it.

We really only need spending money, I think it's a way for my folks to still feel like a family with us since we are grown up. However I think it isn't at all out of line to expect adult children to chip in, if they don't want to then don't go.

I would always offer to pay for our dinners while we were traveling the 2 day trip there ( usually at TGI Fridays where it was free , but free for them also)

[Lathum]

[quote]

Originally Posted by Mustang

Are you parents expecting that everyone make it regardless? If so, I could see why someone might be a little upset that they are having to foot the bill for something they might not entirely want to do just so the parents don't get upset and hold it over their heads.

QUOTE]

agree 100%.

We aren't actualy going this year because of my wedding and my sister just bought a house. Lucky for us my parents are cool about it.

[JonInMiddleGA]

Just adding to the general consensus that seems to have formed already.

As long as this isn't something where the miffed family member feels like it's a "command performance", then it's pretty unreasonable for them to expect the parents to pay. That would change the dynamic (and my opinion) to a significant extent. Every situation has different specifics but that sort of thing wouldn't sit particularly well with me either.

Otherwise though, it might be more understandable, if the parents were really loaded well beyond the means of the adult child but it seems pretty clear that's not the case.

Right now, sounds more to me like there's an adult child who isn't completely happy about being a grownup. I believe HA might be able to offer him some sound advice right about now.

[Cringer]

I say pimp slap the protesting family member. And if you are the protesting family member, have your dad pimp slap you. They were upfront with the 'chip in' for the house, I see no problem with it.

[Passacaglia]

Is this family member a sibling, cousin, or in-law of yours?

[gottimd]

Originally Posted by Passacaglia

Is this family member a sibling, cousin, or in-law of yours?

An in-law. Although I am not sure why the true relationship comes into play?

[Ksyrup]

I'm not sure it ultimately matters, but it gives some perspective. I would hope the in-law would let the family member deal with this rather than being so outspoken. At least, that's how my wife and I would handle something like this - she deals directly with her parents, and I with mine. If it's a financial issue for them, I don't see why they wouldn't quietly discuss it with your parents rather than get pissed and openly discuss it with you and others. The intent is for the family to see one another, so if finances are holding them back, I assum your parents would do whatever they could to accomodate their issue.

OTOH, if it's an entitlement issue, I'd probably (but politely) tell them to pound salt.