Scattershots

I’m back! With the life-affirming adventure that was E3 now behind me, I can get back to concentrating on what really matters to me (petty, self-absorbed little man that I am) – wildly ranting about the world of sports…

HOCKEY

• If you’re not watching the Stanley Cup Finals, you’re missing some quality hockey. Entertaining hockey? No, but quality’s better than nothing…
• Speaking of which – when Patrick Roy retires and steals, oh, roughly 95% of the press coverage earmarked for your league’s championship – as it’s being played – that can’t be a good sign…
• I can’t wait for that upcoming NHL labor Armageddon after next season – that’ll boost the league’s flagging ratings, eh? On the bright side: no money = easy split of the pot for you math majors out there…
• However, the Ottawa Senators figured out how to talk the players into playing for nothing this season; so it looks like they’ll be at point for Gary Bettman…
• There is no way on earth Mario Lemieux leaves Pittsburgh for another franchise – assuming he’s sane. One of the best players ever, a Steeltown legend, comes back from Hodgkin’s Disease, plays again, buys the team to save it for the city, then – sells his stake to play a Joe-Namath-with-the-Rams season for the Rangers?! Right…
• Back to Roy one more time – and a hearty hail and farewell to the finest goaltender in history, and one of the greatest competitors any sport has ever seen

BASKETBALL

• The NBA Finals are finally underway, after roughly ten months of playoffs…
• The best point guard in league, Jason Kidd, will lead the Nets against the best player in the league. Tim Duncan. Kidd’s an exhilarating player who makes breathless plays with remarkable regularity. Duncan, in contrast, puts up an incredibly boring 25 and 15 night after night. Make mine Duncan, thank you very much...
• When you’re watching the Finals take a moment to reflect on the greatness of David Robinson’s career... yes, he’s still playing…no, I didn’t notice, either…
• If you’re wondering – while I think Duncan’s the best player in the series, I think Kidd and the Nets are going to pull off the upset. Kenyon Martin and Richard Jefferson could create nightmares for Gregg Popovich and his staff…
• Of course, none of this matters, right? After all, the cameras and talking heads will spend more time on Joumana Kidd than the game, anyway…

BASEBALL

• So Sammy Sosa used a corked bat, eh? I assure you that he’s not the only one… I mean, Rafael Palmeiro says it proudly in advertisements now, for heaven’s sake…
• However, by doing so, Sosa will have a mental asterisk by his career home run total forever – deservedly or undeservedly.
• He’ll join fellow 1990’s slugger Mark McGwire, who has his own mental asterisk – for the “legal-at-the-time” andro use…
• Sosa said he only uses his corked bat for exhibitions. That’s OK? Why didn’t somebody tell me this?
• In that case, I’m using a tennis racquet next time I bat in a beer league softball game…
• Next up on the suspicion/witch hunt express – Barry Bonds. Fair or not, you know it’s coming…
• What would Babe Ruth have done with today’s “advantages”? Ruth’s pre-game routine included two chickens, five cigars and a bottle of scotch…

FOOTBALL

• Just one thing – what happened to Bill Parcells’ hair? Platinum blonde? Most men go gray when they get older – Parcells goes Shakira – go figure…
• Moreoever, wasn’t Parcells the one who called wide receiver Terry Glenn “a woman” when they were both with the Patriots?
• Isn’t Terry Glenn now on the Cowboys?
• If I could just talk Michael Irvin and Deion Sanders into to coming back, and bail out Nate Newton (assuming his apparent-worst-ever-case-of-glaucoma-in-history has cleared up), I’d be set with columns for the next two years…

TENNIS

• What happened to American men’s tennis? Andre Agassi is all that’s left after a nearly 30-year run of dominating the sport.
• On top of that, unless Andy Roddick stops looking like he’s trying to replace Justin Timberlake and starts playing tennis with more consistency, there aren’t any promising American males on the horizon, either. James Blake is good, but good doesn’t cut it if you want ratings on this side of the pond…
• Of course, the men’s game has become less entertaining anyway – with the advent of the new composite racquets, the serve-and-volley game is in danger of becoming extinct. Watching a ball blow by a guy at 130 miles per hour over and over again isn’t nearly as entertaining as it sounds…
• The women’s game, however, is another story.
• Serena Williams is the most dominant player in any sport right now – and that includes Tiger Woods or any other name you can throw out.
• Williams is not only flawless on the court, she’s witty, personable, and charming off of it. Top to bottom, if you’re looking for the perfect professional athlete, you won’t get any closer to it than Serena Williams.
• How Serena and her sister, Venus, managed to become the women they are despite their stage-dad-from-hell father is one of the great mysteries of the universe…

HORSE RACING

• Just seeing if you were still paying attention…
• Seriously, though – Funny Cide runs this weekend in the Belmont Stakes. If the horse wins, he will be the first Triple Crown winner in 25 years.
• This is a sport that exists solely for gambling and breeding purposes. When champion horses go to stud (good work if you can get it), the fees for their offspring can be in the millions.
• Funny Cide, however, is a gelding. No foals are in the offing, potentially costing his trainers’ millions of dollars in sales. Hilarious. This has got to be the craziest sport I’ve ever seen…
• Here’s hoping he wins the stupid thing, and then at least gets a weekend on the farm… Geez - he’s a gelding, he lives his life with a 90-pound guy sitting on top of him with a whip, running his tail off, and doesn’t get to keep a dime… poor guy deserves a little something for all that, right?