BREAKING: Reynolds Accepts Twins GM Job - TheRyanExpress's Blog

TheRyanExpress's Blog

BREAKING: Reynolds Accepts Twins GM Job

Posted on April 4, 2014 at 10:57 AM.

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MINNEAPOLIS, MN---The Minnesota Twins have finally nabbed the GM they think can turn their fortunes around. Billy Heywood presented new GM Ryan Reynolds in front of a packed crowd at Target Field that included fans, District 5/Mighty Ducks legend Gordon Bombay, and members of the Twins that are most likely to get traded by Reynolds.

�This is a landmark day in our franchise�s history. We have won two World Series titles here in Minnesota, yes, but anytime your team has sucked for as long as the Minnesota Twins have, you are required to say any hiring is a landmark,� Heywood said. �But ultimately, this was our guy. He�s a driver, he�s a winner. Things are going to change, I can feel it.�

It was after this that Heywood presented Reynolds with a Twins cap and jersey. As Reynolds slipped it on, the room gave him a standing ovation, because that�s what you do when someone is hired to change a team that has sucked for so long.

Reynolds started, �First of all, let me thank Billy Heywood and the Minnesota Twins for this opportunity. A hat tip goes to Lou Collins, Gary Gaetti�s mullet, the �Trash Bag� in right field at the old Homerdome, and the security guard who helped with the hidden ball trick in �Little Big League� as well. These are luminaries of this Twins franchise and I want to be a part of that.�

The hiring was announced about a month before �MLB: The Show� is released for PS4 and as soon as he receives his copy, Reynolds will go to work.

�I immediately went to Wikipedia and looked up our roster,� Reynolds said. �I had no idea who half the guys were. I mean, I see that they�re here and they exist, but clearly I�ve got my virtual work cut out for me.�

Gordon Bombay, lawyer and legendary hockey coach, was also in attendance. He was brought up to speak about the past and the future of the Twins organization.

�This is a distraction,� Bombay said as he held up a poster of the 2013 Minnesota Twins roster. �This is fire in a barrel. This is a distraction in a fire in a barrel.�

He dropped the poster in the barrel to let it burn, much like he did in the classic 1994 film, �D2: The Mighty Ducks.� These are the sort of things you do when a team has sucked for so long.

�I turned around a ragtag group of 12 year olds on the ice. I drove a limo onto a pond, got into their grills, and turned them into World Champions,� Bombay proclaimed. �I then turned them over to Ted Orion and they couldn�t even beat the Varsity squad at Eden Prairie at fist. Point is, I�m a champion. I�m a legend. And I know one when I see one. And I believe the Twins have hired one.�

Reynolds made sure to temper expectations a bit while not dampening the mood.

�This isn�t going to happen overnight. There�s only one Minnesota Miracle Man and that�s Gordon Bombay. And if you ask him, he�ll say it�s Charlie Conway. I�m not either one of them,� Reynolds said. �But if you give me time, I can probably get into the conversation. At the very least, I can pass Brad Radke on that proverbial pedestal.�

With the announcement over, Reynolds will start plotting trades and maneuvers to get the Twins back into contention. Meanwhile, the teams he turned down are left to look elsewhere. Those teams include the Mariners, Rockies, Padres, and White Sox.

�Really, it came down to the fact that none of those teams had a legendary movie from which to pull a ton of references from,� Reynolds claimed.

After the ceremony, everyone in attendance was invited to strap on some rollerblades and skate through the Mall of America while blowing on duck calls.

Heywood spoke in wonderment of the day. �All these people out here, it�s incredible. We have The Best Fans in Baseball, as long as they show up. Our guys know what it means to be a Twins player, that we play the game the right way. It�s The Twins Way. But ultimately, I want outsiders to be nauseated from our success. We want to get so good that we develop a self-back-patting mentality.�

Those lofty goals from Heywood speak to the high expectations of Reynolds. The countdown is on to May 6.