Tijuana Red Devils Franchise - PlottyDawg's Dynasty

PlottyDawg's Dynasty Blog

Tijuana Red Devils Franchise

Posted on May 20, 2013 at 12:00 PM.

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I have posted this on two other message boards. Looking for additional readers...so here we go.

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Mathias Krause sat begrudgingly in his rocking chair. He took a sip from a bottle. The bottle had a clear black label that said "XXXXX." He knew what he was about to get himself into....a whole world of ****ing trouble, despair and hopelessness.

He was about to take the managerial position of the newly formed Tijuana Red Devils.

Baseball in Mexico has had its share of ups and downs. Hell, they gave the mighty United States all it wanted and then some - damn, we beat those Americans! And that brew-ha against the Canucks, well we knew we were in for something. But when the Houston Astros franchise imploded and left town in a semi-truck, then only to set up shop again across the border...well, as they say, mierda consigui� real. **** got real.

But how real is it going to get? Krause needed players. Many just won't come to him and say, Hey I want to play down in a ****hole for 500 peso and expect to win. He knew he was to build this team from the ground up. The deep ground up. So far down that his coaching legend friend Patti Hemmen only knew the depth. If you all remember, Patti coached football at Trinity Bible State College, and resurrected that program. So Krause did what Krause did best:

Drank the remaining XXXXXX and passed out in a stupor.

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The Red Devil Roster Starts to Come Together...

Mathias Krause continued to sit in his wooden chair. Fortunately, the Tijuana Red Devil Baseball Club was able to afford chairs. They were going to use yoga balls but Mathias found those to be a bit too difficult for him to sit on.

Krause took another swig from his bottle of XXXXX and uttered under his breath, "another rotten *** day in the land that really is down under."

"Under what," a voice cracked in the background.

"Who the damn tarnation are you?" Krause asked.

"I've come to play for the mighty Red Devils, I'm Hank "The Hurricane" Cabrera. You might remember my old man, Francisco Cabrera," said the voice.

Krause had to think for a moment. Francisco Cabrera? THE Francisco Cabrera? The one who had the cup of coffee in the 1992 NLCS. The game winning hit that drove in that slow **** Sid Bream.

"Oh, yeah," Krause said, "1992. Stan Belinda was the pitcher. He roped a single that drove in the game winning run, and sent the Braves to the playoffs."

Krause then paused for a moment.

"Your dad ripped my heart out of my and the city of Pittsburgh that night. I bawled like a baby for the next three days. Never did I think for a second we were going to be denied a World Series berth that year. Then your dad scorched that ball into left field, and that was it."

Another pause, another moment of reflection.

"So CAN you play? Where can you play? If I let you play?" Krause snapped. There definitely was some deep anger behind the voice.

"Anywhere. I've played every position three times in the minors. My coaches play me just to get me in the lineup. Apparently I have ADHD of baseball, really streaky. Kinda goes with my streaky hair. No less than 12 ounces of Brylcream goes into this do very day."

"Well can you play a slick infield? Or be a slick pitcher. And be effective? And maybe help this team win a game?"

"I will do my absolute best, sir."

"Good, I'm glad. Congrats, you're the first ****hook on the team. You'll be my #1. Literally, wearing #1."

A few minutes later, as Cabrera and Krause engage in contract talks (Krause is CEO, GM, manager and president), another voice rang out. "Tijuana Red Devils. I'm home."

Krause and Cabrera stood up and turned towards the voice. The voice came from a beanpole of a man. Maybe 150 pounds at best, 145 of it in what had to be the shaggiest beard this side of the Rio Grande.

"Me Hiram Higgenbotham. Peeltown, Texas native. I lived off of Starbucks, Moon Pies and baseball. And I want to play for the Tijuana Red Devils."

"Can you play?" Krause snapped.

"Play? PLAY," Higgenbotham ripped back, "I live, breath and sleep baseball. Stitches come from my ***. I piss pinetar. I live for this."

"Well," Krause said, "you're my #2. And pissing pinetar? May want to get that checked out. And another thing...we wear shoes around here. Your feet look the part of necrofacillitis all over them."

And so it begins. Krause found an ultimate utility man that could pass as a slick car salesman and another that makes a third world country look clean. But these guys have potential. Or, do they...time will tell.

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The Roster Continues to Come Together...

Spring Training was only a few days away, and Mathias Krause had a piece of paper in his hand. It was his potential lineup for Opening Day. So many horrible baseball players. I've never heard of 99 percent of these ****hooks, Krause thought. Here is what that piece of paper said:

C Armando Santa Rosa
1B Kasey Karsten
2B Mathias Krause
SS Hiram Higgenbotham
3B Hank Cabrera
LF Jimmy Partee
CF Zech Renert
RF Rab Kloog
DH Desmond Peffer
B
B
B

SP Collin Jay
SP Nikoli Krause
SP Rog Patrick
SP Jeremy Padis
SP Liberto Christopher
RP
RP
RP
RP
RP
RP
CL Moriano Ravira

Definitely some weird names on there. The Kloog character was researched. Apparently he is the long lost cousin of Wilbert Kloog, who shined for the Franklin, Tennessee State Championship Legion baseball team. So I guess there's some lineage there. Then Krause's name came to the starting pitching line:

Nikoli Krause.

The somewhat well-not-so-much liked cousin. He always was better than I was at everything, from academics to girlfriends. I had a 4.0 GPA, he had a 4.1. I had a 4-star girlfriend, he had a 5. Made me sick. But I should not let that eat at me, he has to answer to me. You see, I am a manager/player now...I can make that call. Someone had to play second base.

While Krause continued to digest his roster, a knock came to his managerial door. "Come in," Krause said.

Entered a massive man. 6-2 at least, Bulging biceps. Large Adam's Apple. Only thing standing out was the markerboard in his hand. Seemed odd to Krause, so he asked, "What are you here for. Who or what are you?"

The giant man pulled out a black marker and began to write on the board: "My name is Armando Santa Rosa. I cannot speak the English. I catch ball, block ball but cannot hit ball. I come from Cuba where my father made $4 a year. I swam entire sea to get here."

And with that, Krause found his catcher. He gleamed at the massive Cuban, nodded and smiled. Inside, Krause thought, "Here is the heart, soul and life of this team. Has to be if we think of winning any games this year."

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The 2013 Preseason Pep Rally

The inaugural season for the Tijuana Red Devils was moments away from starting. The spring training period in nearby Mexico City was a grueling test of intestinal fortitude for the entire roster. Temperatures were near 90 degrees everyday. Many players had to take in IVs for fluids to acclimate to the heat and dry air. Nikoli Krause collapsed after a start and was rushed to the hospital because apparently he was bit by a rattlesnake. But that was the least of manager player Mathias Krause's problems.

His biggest problem was installing a will to win. Hell, a matter of scoring a run would be great. In the 32 Spring Training games, the Red Devils hit an immaculate .207 and scored 23 runs. Yeah, less than one run a game. Going 0-32 also did not help matters much because the pitching staff gave up 12 runs per contest. Teams hit .350 and smacked 55 home runs in the thin Mexico City air.

Before the season opener against the proclaimed Rio Grande rival Texas, Krause gathered his team together for a "Coming to Jesus" meeting. Players filed into the cramped Jose deLeon Baseball Facility, fearing the worst.

"Christ, we are all cut," uttered one player.

"My bags are packed and I'm ready to get the hell out of here," said another. Krause, however, was nearby to hear that comment.

"Really. Your bags are already packed. Then take yourself out of this room. Your services are no longer needed."

And with that, a roster of 26 was down to 25. The final cut was made before the teams eyes, a rarity in baseball, especially at the major league level.

Krause cleared his throat, then belted off the speech of a lifetime. One that an afficiando of the movie Major League would be proud of. "Gentlemen, we have been picked to finish dead last in not just the MLB rankings, but statistically we are projected to be the worst in MLB history. The 1963 Mets, the 1929 St Louis Browns apparently are better teams than us. None of our players are draft able for fantasy leagues. As a matter of fact, one so called expert said to avoid us like the plague."

A deep silence crept into the room. A few players began to sob. One player, however, that didn't was Hiram Higgenbotham. Higgenbotham stood up, veins throbbing in anger and intensity.

"Well, there's only one thing for us to do then," he said. Again, silence surrounded the room.

"Win a freaking game. Plain and simple. Find a way to amuse and appease the baseball gods and shut these so called experts up. I didn't come down here to just enjoy life, get a paycheck and bang hot women. I came down here to play the game I love. And by God if I die down here, I'd be in heaven. It'd be worth it to me. That's the kind of attitude we need to have. Kick *** and take names."

Krause agreed. "Hiram is so right. We need to just take it as we versus the world down here. Bad News Bear style. Mean, aggressive baseball. We may not be successful in the beginning, but we can at least instill an attitude that we will not die, we will play to the final out. And hope it carries to future teams."

Opening Day Roster
C Armando Santa Rosa - Speaks zero English. Blocks everything but cant hit dick.
1B Kasey Karsten - Detroit, MI product. Massive power, zero contact. Decent with glove.
2B Mathias Krause - Manager/player. Needs to be manager only but stepping up for team.
SS Hiram Higgenbotham - Heart and soul of team. Will bleed for this team.
3B Hank Cabrera - Still lives in shawow of Dad's 1992 NLCS game winning hit.
LF Jimmy Partee - El Paso, TX native who won State track title in 100, 200.
CF Zech Renert - Former Austrian powerlifter turned baseball player after near death squatting.
RF Rab Kloog - German baseball all star. Dont know if thats saying much.
DH Desmond Peffer - Another massive power hitter that cannot make contact. Plays hitter only.
B Roberto Almedo (C - 1B) - Mexican All Star who led 2012 MexLeague in pass balls.
B Cesar Hurtado (2B - SS) - Slick infielder that will see playing time.
B Jesus Cerrano (CF - RF) - Just a fourth outfielder at best.

SP Collin Jay - Streaky Omaha, NE native with 5 mid quality pitches.
SP Nikoli Krause - Cousin of manager/player Mathias. Fastballs is all he has.
SP Rog Patrick - Lefty with garbage pitches. Fastball is Nixon-era 72.
SP Jeremy Padis - Denison, TX native with three basic pitches.
SP Liberto Christopher - Wild righty that is more interested in trading Pokemon trading cards.
RP Jorge Gallego - Former soccer player with high leg kick.
RP Daniel Veda - Features the infamous V hairdo.
RP Osvaldo Guarado - Older brother Eddie played his best baseball for Minnesota.
RP Francisco Montoya - From the glory of Ingio Montoya of the Princess Bride.
RP Enrique Veras - Electric fast ball but not much else.
RP Antonio Dolores - Often is nicknamed the Girl for his last name.
CL Moriano Ravira - Pitches more like his first name...moronio.