A Season For Squid - FOFC Baseball 2005

[Coffee Warlord]

New season, new thread, this time dedicated to the Colossal Squid. Current stats (as of the end of the 2004 season) are available at
http://www.officepimps.com/baseball/index.html.

All player locations/ratings are post Spring Training 2005. For anyon who wants to join, post your vitals here (name, height, DOB, etc, and what kinda player you wanna be), and you'll be added in the June draft.

C - Qwikshot Jones, Seattle Mariners
Undrafted Free Agent
4.5* rating
Big Leaguer, Starting C

1B - Kevin Mitchell, New York Yankees
6th round draft pick (176th overall)
4.5* rating
Currently at AAA Columbus Clippers

1B - Bobby Mask, Cleveland Indians
10th round draft pick (300th overall)
4.5* rating
Currently at AAA Buffalo Bisons

2B - Jeeber Mack, Anaheim Angels
10th round draft pick (277th overall)
5* rating (#15 overall prospect)
Big Leaguer, Starting 2B

2B - T.E. Almighty, Florida Marlins
1st round draft pick (3rd overall, 2004 amateur draft)
5* rating
Big Leaguer, Starting 3B

3B - Daniel McCarney, Milwaukee Brewers
10th round draft pick (291st overall)
3* rating
Big Leaguer, Starting 3B

3B - Travis Elkin, Tampa Bay Devil Rays (they still suck!)
7th round draft pick (194th overall)
5* rating
Big Leaguer, Starting 3B

3B - Arthur Fonzerelli, Baltimore Orioles
9th round draft pick (250th overall)
5* rating
Currently at AAA Ottawa Lynx

SS - Bryan 'Pure Havok' Allison, Cincinatti Reds
7th round draft pick (186th overall)
5* rating
Big Leaguer, Reserve Infielder

LF - Danny Wilson, Philadelphia Phillies
6th round draft pick (172 overall)
4.5* rating
Big Leaguer, Starting LF

CF - Larry McGillicuddy, Boston Red Sox
4th round draft pick (103rd overall)
5* rating
Big Leaguer, Starting CF

CF - Kyle Kappe, Chicago White Sox
7th round draft pick (191st overall)
5* rating
Big Leaguer, Starting CF

CF - Daniel Ertmann, Boston Red Sox
1st round draft pick (2nd overall) (2004 amateur draft)
5* rating
Big Leaguer, DH/Reserve Outfielder (Backing up McGillicuddy!)

RF - John Timmons, Oakland A's
12th round draft pick (348th overall)
5* rating
Big Leaguer, Starting RF

RF - Sandman Dormir, Milwaukee Brewers
9th round draft pick (261st overall)
3.5* rating
Big Leaguer, Reserve 1B/Outfielder

SP - Kevin Donnelly, St. Louis Cardnials
1st round draft pick (15th overall)
5* rating (ML - no longer ranked)
Big Leaguer, #1 Starting Pitcher
2004 All Star Pitcher!

SP - Chorro Magistral, Seattle Mariners
6th round draft pick (159th overall)
3* rating
Currently at AAA Tacoma Rainiers

SP - Mike Tokunaga, Chicago White Sox
5th round draft pick (131st overall)
4.5* rating
Big Leaguer, #2 Starting Pitcher

SP - Rob Nielsen, Cincinatti Reds
2nd round draft pick (36th overall)
5* rating
Big Leaguer, #1 Starting Pitcher

CL - Cole Breeze, Anaheim Angels
13th round draft pick (367th overall)
4* rating
Big Leaguer, #1 Middle Reliever

[Coffee Warlord]

Offseason activity for the FOFC'rs.

Very little. Qwikshot Jones was signed to a 1 year extension to avoid arbitration. He agreed to a 1 year deal worth 307,800.
Don't worry, the big bucks for our boys will come in a couple of years.

No trades to speak of, but as you have noticed, almost ALL of the FOFC'rs are in the Bigs now. Will they stay? Who knows. Of special note is Chorro time is still Not Yet, as Seattle realized...Chorro still sucks.

I think we all know who established himself as the Best of the FOFC last season. Hi, Mr. Donnelly. This season, I'm going out on a limb and calling a major breakthrough season for Travis Elkin.
Yes, I know he plays for Tampa Bay, but I sense good things this season from him. We'll see. Don't make me a liar.

The Groinless One watch? Well, team officials are not pleased with his attitude while injured last season, but his talent cannot be ignored. They are considering using him as trade bait, but have decided to see if he can produce in AAA, to up his value.

2005 Opening Day Begins Soon!

[JeeberD]

Hmmm...calamari instead of ham, eh?

Just make sure it's well done, alright? Nothing worse than chewy calamari...

Oh, and Jeeber is looking good! Thanks for the update!

[tucker342]

I would like to join!

Pos: 1B
Name: AJ Tucker
Height: 6'2"
Location: Iowa City, Iowa
DOB: 9/24/85
Other info: Switch Hitter
Type:
- lots of power
- average to above average batting average
- okay speed
- don't care about fielding

Thanks

[Coffee Warlord]

FYI - Have real work to do this weekend, so haven't really had the time for an update. Look for one tomorrow night!

[Coffee Warlord]

2005 Season Draft Results

3 new FOFC'rs enter the fray this year. All 3 were first rounders, and here's how they went.

C - Katon Mortay (1st round, 1st overall) - Philadelphia
1B - AJ Tucker (1st round, 4th overall) - Anaheim
SP - Nyar Lahotep (1st round, 6th overall) - Montreal

[Katon]

First overall? Great! I hope Philadelphia know what they're doing.

[Coffee Warlord]

2005 Season, As of June

Most of the FOFC crew is REALLY showing their potential. Everyone has now seen time in the majors, and we'll give a brief rundown of how everyone has fared.

1B - Kevin Mitchell
Kevin hasn't seen much action in the majors, appearing in only 5 games thus far. In those whopping 18 at bats, however, he is hitting .389, with a staggering 1.042 OPS.

1B - Bobby Mask
You. Suck. .190 in 32 games last year, .176 in 4 games this year. Someone just ain't ready for the Show.

2B - Jeeber Mack
267/7/35 thus far, in 50 games. Pretty damn good for a 22 year old, but amazingly, you are one of the weaker FOFC'rs...

3B - Daniel McCarney
...but not as week as The Groinless One. We're real impressed with your .170 batting average in 47 at bats. Nice.

3B - Travis Elkin
Just a solid player. He's gonna be good for a long time. .275/7/29 thus far this season, at the tender age of 24.

3B - Arthur Fonzerelli
2 games in the bigs thus far. The jury's out on you.

SS - Bryan Allison
Improvement. Unfortunatly, the Reds aren't improving. Hitting .286 on a piss poor team.

LF - Danny Wilson
Rockin' the Phillies, with an OBP of .377, with 18 steals to your name. Nice.

CF - Larry McGillicuddy
Gets my vote for All Star this year. .342 batting average, 26 steals, second to only Daniel Ertmann, in the MLB, and only 18 k's.

CF - Kyle Kappe
Larry's got some competition, notably from this .316 hitter. Weak power numbers, but only 8 k's in 209 at bats is amazing.

RF - John Timmons
FOFC has got the outfielders from hell, I tell you. Hitting .323, with 6 homers and 12 driven in (hi Mr solo home run king).

1B - Sandman Dormir
78 at bats thus far in the bigs. Hitting, believe it or not, .397. Wow.

SP - Kevin Donnely
Need I even bother? He's leading the bigs in K's. Again. 2.53 ERA. Cy Who?

SP - Chorro Time!
Well, you don't suck as bad anymore. 2 starts in the pros, 1-1, with a 4.85 ERA. You still need a lot of work.

SP - Mike Tokunaga
I dub you Shawn Estes. 4-5, 5.64 ERA. Boo.

SP - Rob Nielsen
Apparently, I'm not getting any run support. 3rd in the NL in K's, 3.18 ERA, but only 4-4. Of course, it could be 'cause Cinci is SUCKING this year.

MR - Cole Breeze
You've found your calling. 2.96 ERA in 24 appearances this season. Batters are hitting a microscopic .204 vs you.

CF - Daniel Ertmann
We now return to the FOFC Outfield of Doom. .336 batting average, a league leading 29 steals, 3 home runs, 22 driven in...amazing.

3B - TE Almighty
And you don't suck either. .305/4/30 as a starter.

C - Qwikshot Jones
Well. Considering the success of most everyone else, you are unimpressive. 6 home runs, but only hitting .237, with a .633 OPS. Yawn.

[Nyarlahotep]

Montreal?!?! NOOOOO000000oooooo!!!!

[Coffee Warlord]

Nyah ha!

How ya like being an...*laugh*...Expo?

[Nyarlahotep]

About as much as I would like having a crawfish attached to my sack.

[Coffee Warlord]

Did I forget to mention a few...odd things...in your rookie contract?

[Nyarlahotep]

*Looks to the sky and shakes his fist*

Well, do I at least get to keep my groin?

[MrBug708]

I'm a leadoff hitter yet I'm batting third. CHiSox suck

[cmp]

Originally posted by Coffee Warlord
1B - Bobby Mask
You. Suck. .190 in 32 games last year, .176 in 4 games this year. Someone just ain't ready for the Show.

I'm still going to be an All-Star someday. Don't count out Bobby Mask.

[Coffee Warlord]

I've simmed up to the All Star game.

Let it be known that the FOFC Baseball team is sending 3 representatives to this year's game.

One of them should be obvious. The other two...well, it sure isn't Chorro Magistral.

[JeeberD]

Originally posted by Coffee Warlord
2B - Jeeber Mack
267/7/35 thus far, in 50 games. Pretty damn good for a 22 year old, but amazingly, you are one of the weaker FOFC'rs...

Don't worry though, things will get better for me. How do I know this? Because I have...Real Ultimate Power!!!

Damn MC, the Angels will never want to trade for you the way you're hitting right now. Maybe you should offer CW a ham to get your groin back...

[mckerney]

I have a little plan to get out of Milwaukee, though I'm kinda tired now so it should be revealed tomorrow.

[General Mike]

I want in...

Pos: 3B
Name: M.J. Ritschel
Height: 6'1
Weight: 208
Location: Somerset, New Jersey
DOB: 1/2/ whatever year would make me a 22 year old when drafted
Type of player - Wade Boggs, with great speed/stealing ability.

[JeeberD]

Originally posted by mckerney
I have a little plan to get out of Milwaukee, though I'm kinda tired now so it should be revealed tomorrow.

You've been saying that for a week now. You're nearly as bad at updating us as CW, dude...

[Coffee Warlord]

I heard that.

[JeeberD]

Heard what?

I was talking about...errr....Chris Wallace. You know, the dude from ABC news?

Yeah, that's the ticket...

[Aesyrqwe]

Originally posted by Coffee Warlord
RF - John Timmons
FOFC has got the outfielders from hell, I tell you. Hitting .323, with 6 homers and 12 driven in (hi Mr solo home run king).

GO ME!! I gotta be leading off or something.. Or on a team who can never get any baserunners but me..

-Aes-

[Superman=#54]

El Chorro Magistral Ay Ay Ay!

[illinifan999]

CF - Daniel Ertmann
We now return to the FOFC Outfield of Doom. .336 batting average, a league leading 29 steals, 3 home runs, 22 driven in...amazing.

w00t!

I'm Barry Bonds, without the homers, and I'm friendly to the media.

[mckerney]

Originally posted by JeeberD
You've been saying that for a week now. You're nearly as bad at updating us as CW, dude...

Jeez, what do you expect Jeeber. I'm too busy working at a job you could never dream of, dating women you'll never date, and driving cars you'll never be able to afford. I can't be on this board as much as all you losers with your truck driver and selling flowers by the side of the road jobs that let you stay on the internet at all times, which is good because you obviously have no social life. Why are you so uppsessed with me.





STILL UNDEFEATED!!!!!!

[Coffee Warlord]

Alright, new house rule.

No references to BM in my dynasties.

[JeeberD]

Originally posted by mckerney
Why are you so uppsessed with me.

I'm sorry. You're just so damn sexy...

[Neuqua]

I'd love to get into the next draft:

Pos: 3B
Name: Neuq Verma
Height: 6'2"
Location: Naperville, IL
DOB: 21 years old
Other info: Switch Hitter
Type:
- Good eye
- Very good power
- average to above average batting average
- Average speed
- Average defender, with solid range

[Coffee Warlord]

Just so you guys know, I'll be in Chicagoland this weekend, starting in about 2 hours, so we will nay have an update till probably Monday.

I'm going to try and keep a pace of an update every 2-3 days. I don't wanna be updating things every day, for fear of burnout. Want a nice pace so we can keep this up for a long, long time. I leave the amusement during the off days to my beloved players. And my unbeloved ones, too.

[JeeberD]

Lazy punk...

[mckerney]

Alright Jeeber, here it finally is:

Chapter 3: Making Shit Up

Our brave hero MC strolls into the commishioners office, in yet another attempt to get out of Milwaukee. He no longer has his gun, liquor, or Sherpas, and is very low on cash after the Brewers stopped paying him when he stopped showing up to the stadium (therefore making his 8 hits all the more impressive). After forcing his way into the office with many angry, and quite profane words, he is ready to begin:

Commish, I gotta come clean. I signed an illegal secret contract with the Brewers in an attempt to circumvent the salary cap. Therefore, you have no choice but to take away 5 first round draft picks, fine then $3 million, and declare me a free agent, just like what happened to the Timberwolves in the NBA he said, putting a rough and crumpled piece of paper on the desk of the commishioner.

The commish picked it up, looked at it, got a disturbed look on his face before telling MC, "Well, I gotta tell you, I have a few problems with this. First off, there is no salary cap in baseball, therefore it's impossible to try and circumvent a rule we don't have. Second, even though this is frowned upon and might be against some league rules, we would do all these things, we wouldn't even take you off the team. Third, I don't see why Milwaukee wouldn't want to resign you after all you've done since they drafted you, especially to a contract of, uh, $430 million over 6 years. And that's not all I see wrong with this. The 'contract' seems to be written on the back of a paper placemat from a tray at the In-And-Out Burger. As far as I know, there are no In-And-Out Burger franchises in the state of Wisconsin, and this oine happens to be in Anaheim, where you've supposedly been spending an inordinate amount of time. And also, why is this written in crayon?"

Well, I couldn't find any markers...

"Enough," the Commish continued. "If I could use the death penalty in this case, and I really wish could, you'd be dead by next Friday. Unfortionately, the office of commishioner of major league baseball doesn't give me those rights, yet. I can, however, suspend you for a month."

Fuck... Wait, I get paid when I'm suspended, right?

"No. Now get the hell out of my building. And put some fucking pants on."



MC, once again heartbroken, slowly made his way out of the commishioners office. Thoughts of revenge stirred in his head, though being this was the best plan he could possibly think of, so he decided it would be best to find a way back to Anaheim to see if his friend Jeeb's would be willing to spend a little money to reintroduce him to his good friend, Captain Morgan.

[JeeberD]

Well, Jeebs is going to be out of town for the next four days, so don't get to Cali too soon. I'll be kicking back and camping in Oklahoma with my family, sipping on a few Shiner Bock's.

How I love camping...

[JeeberD]

bumpage

[Coffee Warlord]

Update:

I hate everyone and everything. One of our servers at the office got comprimised, so I'm in scramble mode, and worn down to nothing by the time I get home. Have patience, kids, I ain't killing it off.

[JeeberD]

Whoa...

It's OK dude, no pressure. Get it done when you get the chance. We'll be here waiting....

[Coffee Warlord]

Yeah, the last 2 days have been realllllll fun.

Urg. Fucking kids with nothing better to do screwing with my servers. DIE DIE DIE!

[mckerney]

SOONER!

[The Afoci]

I would like to join!

Pos: SP
Name: The Afoci
Height: 6'8"
Location: Fargo, North Dakota
DOB: Whatever will make me 18.

Type: Power Pitcher! Perhaps one with a evil plan as well, if possible.

Thanks

[JeeberD]

Originally posted by mckerney
SOONER!

Hey, I was gonna say that!

[mckerney]

You're tribe won the first too challenges, so being it got said we can call if even.

[Aesyrqwe]

BUMP

-Aes-

[JeeberD]

Originally posted by Coffee Warlord on August 14
Whine whine whine.

(Although I may try and do an update tonight anyway, after a healthy night of bone jarring tackles.)

[Aesyrqwe]

BUMP...

[mckerney]

[JeeberD]

Two weeks and counting since the last update...

[Aesyrqwe]

Originally posted by Coffee Warlord
I'm going to try and keep a pace of an update every 2-3 days. I don't wanna be updating things every day, for fear of burnout. Want a nice pace so we can keep this up for a long, long time. I leave the amusement during the off days to my beloved players. And my unbeloved ones, too.

Set aside time huh? Breakin promises and such.. for shame..



-Aes-

[The Afoci]

I sign up and it goes to hell. Just like my time in heaven.

[JeeberD]

So the other night it was Civ that kept you from updating. What's your excuse tonight?

[tucker342]

come on, we all know that answer! He's been masturbating all day!