Why did you have kids?

[lurker]

It seems like the life of a parent is usually pretty difficult and most of the ones I know whine a lot, so I wonder why they did it. It almost seems like an irrational decision to give up a cushy life of sleeping in and relaxing for the responsibility of another life. For those of you that made the conscious decision to have children (not talking a whoops moment), what made you decide to do it and why then?

[path12]

Does Pass know about this?

I only have stepkids, so I will excuse myself from the thread now.

[albionmoonlight]

We thought that having a child would bring joy into our lives through such things as being able to experience the world through their eyes and watching the child grow and learn and develop.

We considered not having children, and we delayed starting for career reasons, but the longer we waited, the more wrong it felt not to have kids. So we did. And, so far, it has been awesome.

[lungs]

Instincts. Mine haven't set in yet.

[gstelmack]

I wasn't all that lit up about it (ambivalent), my wife was very eager to have a family. I don't regret for one moment having done so. Yes, it's a lot of responsibility, you sleep less, you don't get to do as much of the things you used to love to do, and they can be cranky, but there is so much joy as well, from the first moment you hold them, through watching them learn to walk, to zooming around on their first bike and slamming in to the garage door (my almost-4-year-old needs to learn how to stop and steer...), there is just so much joy involved.

Watch Parenthood with Steve Martin. That might help.

We did wait until we were established as a married couple and in decent financial shape to support our children.

[lurker]

Pass is probably more ready for kids than I am, by the way, in case more people think I'm trying to talk him into something.

[PackerFanatic]

My mom has been a daycare provider for almost as long as I can remember, so I grew up around many kids (most of them were my younger cousins and friends of our family) I have always had a passion for kids, and I knew I would eventually have them. My wife was ready for them right away, and while I sometimes wish we would have waited a little bit (just because I enjoy sleep and going out and such), I don't regret it for one minute. I mean - how could you NOT love this face?



Granted, every situation is different, and it totally depends on the kid(s) and the parents alike. But even at 23, I love being a dad and I wouldn't want it any other way.

[M GO BLUE!!!]

She said she was on the pill.

[Mizzou B-ball fan]

If you invest the proper time into raising your child, there's not a more rewarding endeavor than parenting. It's the best.

With that said, I wish more people would think about the consequences of having kids BEFORE they got pregnant. If that happened more often, our society would be much less dysfunctional as a whole.

[KWhit]

Raising a child is the most difficult thing I have ever and will ever do.

But it is by far the most rewarding. I cannot tell you how awesome it is to have a little KWhit and a little Mrs. KWhit running around learning about the world. And seeing yourself and your spouse reflected in their personalities is so freaking cool.







I mean, come on!

[SteveMax58]

We enjoyed most of our 20's kid-free and decided to have kids a couple of years before 30(wife and I are the same age). I think it was the right decision still, as we were able to get financially stable, gained some life experiences and maturity.

The things I did expect like watching them grow, learn, and experience things have all been as good or better than I expected...but the things I did not anticipate are the best. Things like my sons making me laugh because they have their own sense of humor (i.e. not just baby-cute funny), or asking me pointed & challenging questions that make me pause to answer or define for myself.

The best part is that I'll have 2 friends for life once they are adults (assuming I don't embarrass them too much) and I absolutely look forward to watching them grow into being, not just babies to kids to adults, but to people.

[lurker]

albionmoonlight, your comment about experiencing the world through their eyes is pretty much the only pro I can see.

Interesting answers, but it seems like most people are talking about the rewards you get after, and how they couldn't have predicted the feelings. That's pretty much what people IRL said when I asked them, but what I'm mainly curious about is why you originally decided to do it. Did you just trust everyone who said that it's amazing?

This really isn't to convince me or anyone, just thinking that it seems like it takes an incredible leap of faith to know it'll ultimately be rewarding when from the outside it's hard to see that. I wonder if it's instinct, that knowledge that it'll ultimately be worth it, thinking it's what's expected, or the cute factor that compels most.

[flere-imsaho]

Like Greg, I was pretty ambivalent, but my wife wanted kids. It's been hard work, but I'd say that starting at about four months (he's 8 months now) I felt the whole endeavor was, on balance, "worth it."

It's hard to explain why, though. In spite of all the sleep deprivation, frustration, loss of free time, etc... the little guy does bring a lot of joy into our lives. I love him with all my heart and couldn't imagine being without him (like I couldn't imagine being without my wife).


Oh, and it's only a matter of time before I can make him mow the lawn for me.

[flere-imsaho]

dola - I generally don't find babies cute, but I definitely find my baby cute. I've heard this is fairly common, especially among guys.

[King of New York]

To echo what others have said: having kids is the most rewarding experience that I have had. A relationship with your child is like no other relationship that you will ever have, because your child is the only person whom you will have known during every minute of his or her life.

There's a trade-off, though. With kids, you will have more satisfaction, less enjoyment; without kids, you will have more enjoyment, less satisfaction. Sure, one has fun moments with kids, but let's face it--you spend much more time attending to their needs than to your own. Everyone has to decide whether to make that trade-off.

[King of New York]

Oh, and as for what I was thinking beforehand--I honestly cannot remember. Parenthood destroys your brain cells, and I remember very little of my previous life.

[albionmoonlight]

lurker--one thing that I thought about before was that most people have more than one kid, so they must have thought that it was worth doing again after having the one.

I also think that more people have kids than should. I think that a lot of people just do it because you are supposed to do it, and that is not good for the parents or the kids.

[chesapeake]

Some tiny amount of intellectual reasoning went into the process, but mostly it was a visceral decision. When I hit my mid-30s, I simply knew that it was something I wanted to do. My wife came along more slowly.

That isn't to say that the decision wasn't scary. It was.

Deciding to have the second one was scarier. I know what I'm in for now.

[chesapeake]

Originally Posted by flere-imsaho

dola - I generally don't find babies cute, but I definitely find my baby cute. I've heard this is fairly common, especially among guys.

Babies tend to look more like their fathers at first. So, really, it is only your own intrinsic narcissism at work.

[JediKooter]

They are good for landscaping and other manual labor type jobs around the house.

[lighthousekeeper]

Originally Posted by lurker

Interesting answers, but it seems like most people are talking about the rewards you get after, and how they couldn't have predicted the feelings. That's pretty much what people IRL said when I asked them, but what I'm mainly curious about is why you originally decided to do it.

Despite what people like to think, isn't it probably because of these 2 reasons?

1. biological (assuming you have a libido/sex drive) - isn't it basically hardwired into us to have the drive to reproduce?
2. cultural

[Telle]

I always knew that I would someday be a mother. It was never a question for me. I actually had a very strong instinctual drive to procreate.. something that I had to steadfastly control once I became sexually active.

[lurker]

Originally Posted by lighthousekeeper

Despite what people like to think, isn't it probably because of these 2 reasons?

1. biological (assuming you have a libido/sex drive) - isn't it basically hardwired into us to have the drive to reproduce?
2. cultural

Yeah, I mentioned those as the first and third reason here:

I wonder if it's instinct, that knowledge that it'll ultimately be worth it, thinking it's what's expected, or the cute factor that compels most.

[Lorena]

What's the definition of family, really? A married couple? Married couple w/ kids? Married couple with pets? IMO, it makes the family unit complete which is why we did it.

[molson]

Originally Posted by lighthousekeeper

Despite what people like to think, isn't it probably because of these 2 reasons?

1. biological (assuming you have a libido/sex drive) - isn't it basically hardwired into us to have the drive to reproduce?
2. cultural

I'd guess that's what it comes down to - with #1 being the most important. It's interesting that the cultural reasons change through history to fit what's going on in the society at the time.

JediKooter made a joke about kids being useful as manual labor - when of course, that was a very compelling reason to have kids back in the day. Now, with that reason off the table, our culture has come up with other, more intangible stuff. Those kinds of reasons are secondary to the #1 reason that's been consistent throughout human history - we need to (except people like me for some reason - I'm a evolutionary mistake in that way)

[Ronnie Dobbs2]

Originally Posted by lurker

Yeah, I mentioned those as the first and third reason here: I wonder if it's instinct, that knowledge that it'll ultimately be worth it, thinking it's what's expected, or the cute factor that compels most.

I would say that reasons 2, 3, and 4 are just manifestations of reason 1.

[JediKooter]

Originally Posted by molson

I'd guess that's what it comes down to - with #1 being the most important. It's interesting that the cultural reasons change through history to fit what's going on in the society at the time.

JediKooter made a joke about kids being useful as manual labor - when of course, that was a very compelling reason to have kids back in the day. Now, with that reason off the table, our culture has come up with other, more intangible stuff. Those kinds of reasons are secondary to the #1 reason that's been consistent throughout human history - we need to (except people like me for some reason - I'm a evolutionary mistake in that way)

All joking aside...I don't know why other than it feels right and that a little bit of me will live on into the future after I am gone.

[flere-imsaho]

Originally Posted by chesapeake

Babies tend to look more like their fathers at first. So, really, it is only your own intrinsic narcissism at work.

I can live with that.

Originally Posted by JediKooter

They are good for landscaping and other manual labor type jobs around the house.

The key is to set the bar low with regard to remuneration. Make them believe that a nickel for 8 hours of weeding is fair recompense so that when you offer them a quarter for taking out the trash, mowing and weeding (all weekly) they think OMG AWESOME!!!

By the way, it would be really great if no one told my wife I said that.

[Galaril]

Originally Posted by JediKooter

All joking aside...I don't know why other than it feels right and that a little bit of me will live on into the future after I am gone.

I think for me personally it was always a driving force and the fact we can pass along alot of the wisdom we hopefully have learned through our own fuck ups. Yet, we all know kids often sadly repeat many parents mistakes. But still, being able to teach our kids as we feel is appropriate to make them as they say well rounded citizens of this planet we all live and in the end maybe some of them can make it a better place in the next generation or so.........Or maybe just because of Tequilla

[flere-imsaho]

I look at it this way: if they don't take my hard-earned advice, then at least I'll get some entertainment out of mocking them for their own mistakes. Basically it's a win-win.

[Subby]

All of the childless people I know are completely self-absorbed and irritating as shit and I didn't want to end up like that.

[Maple Leafs]

I wanted to be able to play with toys and build shit with lego and lay on the floor and sing songs during my spare time and still have people think I was contributing something to society. This was pretty much the only workaround I could come up with.

[molson]

Originally Posted by Subby

All of the childless people I know are completely self-absorbed and irritating as shit and I didn't want to end up like that.

It wouldn't be self-absorbed to bring a life into the world to promote one's own happiness?

There was an interesting thread on this a while ago, about whether the decision to have children is selfish - it was an interesting discussion, but I couldn't find it just now.

[Subby]

Originally Posted by molson

It wouldn't be self-absorbed to bring a life into the world to promote one's own happiness?

No that's biological instinct. Self-absorbed is being able to have kids and choosing the easy way out.

[sterlingice]

Originally Posted by Subby

All of the childless people I know are completely self-absorbed and irritating as shit and I didn't want to end up like that.

Yeah, see I was going to say that a lot of the parents I knew were also self-absorbed, irritating-as-shit people who used won't somebody please thing of (MY!) children to justify stupid, selfish things.

SI

[SteveMax58]

Originally Posted by molson

It wouldn't be self-absorbed to bring a life into the world to promote one's own happiness?

There was an interesting thread on this a while ago, about whether the decision to have children is selfish - it was an interesting discussion, but I couldn't find it just now.

[Slight threadjack]
That sounds like an interesting discussion to read. My inclination is to believe that everything we do can be technically viewed as selfish. Even sacrificing one's own health for another could be viewed as selfishly feeding one's ego or self-importance. Hmm...
[/Slight threadjack]

[Subby]

Originally Posted by sterlingice

Yeah, see I was going to say that a lot of the parents I knew were also self-absorbed, irritating-as-shit people who used won't somebody please thing of (MY!) children to justify stupid, selfish things.

SI

Yes, this is a great point.

[spleen1015]

My parents suck. I wanted to see if I do.

[KWhit]

Originally Posted by Subby

All of the childless people I know are completely self-absorbed and irritating as shit and I didn't want to end up like that.

True dat.

We've had a few disagreements with my sister-in-law about stuff like this. She seems to think that it's okay to miss her niece and nephew's birthday party while complaining to us that we only came to one night of her two night grand opening of her hair salon. Ergo, I seem to think it's okay to tell her to go fuck herself.

[lurker]

Originally Posted by Subby

No that's biological instinct. Self-absorbed is being able to have kids and choosing the easy way out.

I'd say the easy way out is to just go along with everyone and have kids and do a crappy job raising them.

[KWhit]

Originally Posted by lurker

I'd say the easy way out is to just go along with everyone and have kids and do a crappy job raising them.

The 'easy way out' is not having kids. It's a tough job, even if you do a crappy job of it.

[sterlingice]

Originally Posted by Subby

Yes, this is a great point.

(ok, this might result in a bit of a threadjack, but what the heck)

It's actually my greatest fear to my current self when I eventually become a parent. People change when they become parents, some grow up and learn responsibility that they never had. Some learn about compassion, love, and other feelings they've never experienced. And some become giant selfish people who seem so blinded by the "my child is the most important person in the entire world" that they lose all perspective that there are other people in the world.

A minor tangent from this- my wife and I have had the following conversation before. We had just seen a show or local news story were the mom did something crazy to save some year old kid, something that put the parent's life significantly more at risk to have a small incremental increase for the kid- something like charging into a collapsing burning building where there was a slim chance of success or crossing a freeway (high risk) to save kid who, realistically, was safe and would remain so, provided the mom would have kept her head long enough to wait for the cops to help.

I told her something to the effect of: "Don't you ever do anything like that. It makes no sense. When the kid is 1, I'll have known you something like 15 years to its one of basically being a eating/sleeping/pooping loaf of bread. If I have a choice of only one of you surviving a situation- it's going to be you 100 times out of 100."

And I know the parents will say that you just have no idea and you can't possibly know until you have a kid. But, frankly, from the "outside looking in"- that perspective makes no sense whatsoever to me and that people think that's normal and rational kindof scares me.

SI

[molson]

Originally Posted by Subby

No that's biological instinct. Self-absorbed is being able to have kids and choosing the easy way out.

Really? By not having kids, one's a slacker? The world has plenty of kids, I think it will be fine without mine.

I think (good) parents, who have the resources to take care of their kids, are amazing. Thank god for them, it gives the future of the world a shot. Bad parents, who can barely support themselves, drive me crazy. I've seen so many kids that come through the system that just have NO CHANCE, we should lock 'em up right now.

[sterlingice]

Originally Posted by molson

Really? By not having kids, one's a slacker? The world has plenty of kids, I think it will be fine without mine.

I think (good) parents, who have the resources to take care of their kids, are amazing. Thank god for them, it gives the future of the world a shot. Bad parents, who can barely support themselves, drive me crazy. I've seen so many kids that come through the system that just have NO CHANCE, we should lock 'em up right now.

Lock up whom? Kids, parents, or both?

Reproduction has always seemed so backwards to me. One of the hardest things in the world (i.e. raising a good, productive member of society) is so difficult and yet it's *not* getting pregnant that comes with the proverbial child proof cap.

*Shakes fist at God and nature!*

SI

[Subby]

Originally Posted by lurker

I'd say the easy way out is to just go along with everyone and have kids and do a crappy job raising them.

Most self-absorbed people think this way.

[SunDevil]

Seriously, I just searched this thread the word alcohol is not mentioned once..........

[Subby]

Seriously though - as long as you don't let them eat dinner in front of the tv, you are ahead of the parenting curve.

[molson]

Originally Posted by Subby

Seriously though - as long as you don't let them eat dinner in front of the tv, you are ahead of the parenting curve.

I'd say if they're not born with a substance addiction, you're already doing OK.

[lurker]

Originally Posted by KWhit

The 'easy way out' is not having kids. It's a tough job, even if you do a crappy job of it.

I was disagreeing with Subby's assertion that it's the easy way out to not have kids when you're able to. I really think it's a stronger person who decides not to have kids than the one who just does because it's expected. It may ultimately be more work for them, but it is the lazy way out.

[lurker]

Originally Posted by Subby

Seriously though - as long as you don't let them eat dinner in front of the tv, you are ahead of the parenting curve.

Ooh, clever reference. I guess I would say as long as I'm a parent who doesn't get all riled up about one or two key issues that happen to affect me personally, but am an asshole about everything else, I'm ahead of a lot of people around here.