So I had a huge bomb dropped on me tonight ( family related)

[Lathum]

my aunt and uncle are in town and they took us out to dinner tonight. My uncle is my dads brother. So my aunt had a bit to drink and she doesnt drink often. She was telling us a story about how before they were married they stayed at my dad and his first wifes house, no biggie, I knew he was previously married, it was a really long time ago, like 50 years. so she then says my dad wouldn't let them stay in the same room because they weren't married. My aunt then tells us that my dads wife stayed in one room WITH THE KIDS!!!! My father has kids from his first marriage that I never knew about!

So what the fuck do I do now? I know my aunt felt bad about telling me and the conversation changed pretty quickly. I don't want to bring it up to my parents and throw her under the bus, but I have a right to know. And my poor father, what he must have gone through his whole life.

What a cluster

[MrBug708]

Wow. No idea how to handle this...

[Radii]

Originally Posted by MrBug708

Wow. No idea how to handle this...

all the views with no replies suggest that is the common reaction.

Definitely wow.

[Neon_Chaos]

Is it really worth knowing?

[Lathum]

Originally Posted by Neon_Chaos

Is it really worth knowing?

that I have siblings out there?

[Neon_Chaos]

Originally Posted by Lathum

that I have siblings out there?

I think the simplest answer is that should sit down with your father and talk to him. There must be a logical reason why he hasn't told you about them. Everything will most likely work itself out after that.

[st.cronin]

I'm confused. Let me see if I have this:

- Your father is still alive.
- He was previously married, which you knew.
- This marriage was fruitful, which you did not know.

If this is correct, I would suggest that what has happened is you have learned something about your father, but ethically I'm not sure you have any right to push him for details. He's your father, but its also his life, and if there are parts of that life he wants to keep secret from you, that's his right.

I mean, certainly you could ask him, but I don't think he is obligated to open up to you about that.

- my $0.02

[Lathum]

hence my dilema.

also, do I tell my sister?

[st.cronin]

Originally Posted by Lathum

hence my dilema.

also, do I tell my sister?

Well, I would think of that in terms of would she make a good ally or not. In other words, will she help you do the right thing, whatever you think that is.

[Lathum]

Originally Posted by st.cronin

Well, I would think of that in terms of would she make a good ally or not. In other words, will she help you do the right thing, whatever you think that is.

well doesn't she have a right to know?

[st.cronin]

Originally Posted by Lathum

well doesn't she have a right to know?

No, at least not in my opinion. If you disagree with me, obviously that makes it imperative to read her in.

[Karlifornia]

I always find these "long lost parents/siblings" things interesting. I couldn't imagine being..oh..30 and caring about meeting a sibling or a parent that you have zero attachment to.

Maybe I'm just weird and cold.

[Lathum]

I don't think its about meeting them per se. But knowing that your whole life there is a sibling of yours out there and the knowledge of that sibling has been kept from you.

[TCY Junkie]

Originally Posted by lighthousekeeper

fwiw, i've got 3 siblings and i go years without speaking to any of them. unless you're 8 and need a partner for hide and go seek, siblings are useless.

I knew I liked you. Maybe I feel this way because my siblings always expect things from me. My sister named her son after me just so I would babysit him more, well that is the feeling I get sometimes.

For your sister Lathum, I would tell her unless you feel she would tell your dad. If your dad wanted it discussed he would have told you. Either that or he wanted to wait until you were grown and then tell you but then thought it might not be a good idea to keep it from you so long and then tell you. Really it isn't worth taking that big of chance it would be the latter.

[Izulde]

Is telling your sister and/or talking to your dad about it worth the possible fallout and drama it'd cause?

Personally, I wouldn't tell your sister and I definitely wouldn't bring it up to your dad. I'm sure he has his reasons for keeping quiet on it.

[Mac Howard]

Originally Posted by Lathum

I don't think its about meeting them per se. But knowing that your whole life there is a sibling of yours out there and the knowledge of that sibling has been kept from you.

It sounds like your real concern is that you feel you've been deceived?

I have a half-sister that I've never met from my father's first marriage (my mother was his second wife). I only know because my mother told me, not my father. He never mentioned it. I doubt he knew my mother had told me. I don't suppose he ever thought it important to me. He was right. It isn't. I can't say knowing has changed my life in any way.

If you really feel this affects the trust between you and your father then talk to him about that. If not, then let sleeping dogs lie.

[Marc Vaughan]

I agree with Mac and think you feel decieved and let down by your father.

However its very possible that there are good reasons for him not having told you (perhaps his ex-wife didn't allow him contact with the kids and would have been far from happy if you'd have met them also?).

I'd also suggest that even if you had met them they would most likely have ended up 'distant relations' rather than the brother/sister you seem to be thinking of them as.

Close family isn't specifically biological imho - its the people who grow up closest to you and are interwoven into your life, these step-brothers wouldn't have been seen regularly in the manner which close family are and so wouldn't have affected your upbringing in a huge manner imho.

[JonInMiddleGA]

Maybe my reading skills aren't so hot but I'm not 100% certain about something here, so I'm going to ask.

From the conversation with your aunt, is it possible that the kids she mentioned weren't your father's but instead belonged to his first wife? I mean, she was tipsy telling the story & you said the subject changed pretty quickly, so was she absolutely definitive about the paternity?

[Alan T]

Lathum,

I can't relate but my mother could probably. My mother never knew her father, and she was actually told a story about what happened to him for a good part of her life (the first 20 years or so) mainly because some things just wern't talked about in the 1940s or 1950s.

When she was in her 30s, she actually ended up finding out the truth about her father, who he was, his name and so on. She found out that there was another entire side of his family that she never knew about. She had all kinds of other Aunts and Uncles and a ton of Half-Sisters and Half-Brothers.

I can ask her the next time I talk to her if she was happier knowing or not, but I always was under the impression that it made her happy to the sense of it gave a new sense of closure for her. She ended up traveling the next few summers all over the country finding and meeting this new family. (most of which didn't know about her either).

Maybe it is a case of different people would take it different ways. Some people would rather know while others are happier being left in the dark if it won't make their life any better.

[hoopsguy]

It is interesting how many people are responding to this that are downplaying the idea of distant family. I'm not suggesting that these siblings are going to fill some kind of void in his life, but it would be nice for Lathum to have the opportunity to find out. And if he has a strong relationship with his father then I think he has every right to be disappointed that this subject has never been broached.

I had a very similar experience a couple of years ago, where my grandmother told me that my mother had given a child up for adoption. She got pregnant early in life, had a daughter that she has never known. She later had me and my brother, but I have to imagine it is tough on her never getting to raise a daughter and wondering what has happened with the daughter she has never known.

I've never talked with my Mom about this, but this is largely due to my relationship with her. It isn't the best. I'm sure that this would be extremely painful for her to talk about, and I don't have an overwhelming need to meet a half-sister.

But, if Lathum feels differently about this - which, I imagine he probably does based on this post - then he absolutely should talk with his father about it and see where it goes from there.

[lordscarlet]

First of all, the idea that siblings are worthless is bullshit. Just because your family isn't close, doesn't mean that siblings aren't the closest friends you can have.

Second, it's a tough situation, Lathum. I think if you talk to your father you should do everything you can to not be hurtful about it. I assume you are not looking to make him feel bad, but simply to learn about these lost siblings (and possibly any other family you don't know about; you could be an uncle). Perhaps you could approach your mom about it? Presumably she knows a little more about the situation and could tell you how your dad might feel about you inquiring. However, if she didn't know, that could make it much worse.

[MJ4H]

My dad has a kid he's never seen, making him a brother I've never seen. I knew the mother and had an ok relationship with her, but at one point, she cheated on my dad and got the heck out of Dodge when he found out. She was pregnant with my half-brother at the time. I've never met them or seen her again.

A few years back, I randomly got a call from her on my cell phone saying they wanted to see me. I was sitting in the stands getting ready watch a DCI show. I told her I had to go because the Cavaliers were about to take the field and I would call her back the next day. I got her number and tried multiple times to call her back but she never answered. No idea what the deal with that was.

Would I like to meet my half-brother? I guess. Would it be alright if I didn't? Yeah, I don't think about it very often.

[Mustang]

Originally Posted by Lathum

also, do I tell my sister?

I'd be more prone to talk to your Dad about it just in case it comes out accidentally again and your sister finds out. She may react completely differently.

[Fidatelo]

When I was 25 my parents got tipsy at a family party and spilled the beans that the dog we thought ran away when I was 2 was actually put to sleep. I was 2 when it happened and I don't remember anything about it, but I was annoyed that my parents felt the need to perpetuate the lie for over 20 years.

So what I'm saying is, I can totally see why Lathum is bothered by his situation. I think if it was me I'd definitely tell my sister, and then I think we'd both go and have a chat with dad. But every family is different.

[MikeVic]

They're your siblings, but you wouldn't have any kind of bond. You didn't grow up with them or anything. Maybe they'd make good friends, but that's about it I'd think.

Telling your sister depends on what kind of person she is, like others have said. As for telling your dad... if this was me that found out, I wouldn't be able to keep it inside of me for a long time and would eventually ask about it. Maybe ask your aunt how she feels if you were to ask your dad?

[Logan]

Originally Posted by lighthousekeeper

fwiw, i've got 3 siblings and i go years without speaking to any of them. unless you're 8 and need a partner for hide and go seek, siblings are useless.

Or they could be great people who make your lives better, look out for you, and are there for support over the years.

But maybe I'm just a pussy.

[chesapeake]

You know your dad and you know your relationship with him. Sure, the question is a little awkward, but my feeling is that it is always better to talk about something that is bothering you than to just let it sit and fester. Honestly, it happened so long ago that it may not involve that much drama for him to talk about it.

[Marc Vaughan]

Originally Posted by lordscarlet

First of all, the idea that siblings are worthless is bullshit. Just because your family isn't close, doesn't mean that siblings aren't the closest friends you can have.

Sibling CAN be the closest friends you ever have if you grow up with them, if however you don't they will just be potential friends who share some DNA with you.

Relatioships aren't granted by DNA, they come from time and shared experiences imho - thats why if you adopt and raise a child you are their parent just as much as if they were biologically their parent.

(just to show why I'm taking the stance I am in this - its not the people you're missing, its the 'potential brother/sister' relationships which you might have formed which you're missing - you haven't formed those relationships because you don't know these people - meeting them won't instantly make you close with them just because you share some DNA imho ...)

[SFL Cat]

Well...

That's all I've got, sorry.

[jeheinz72]

I don't see any harm asking him about it in a non-confrontational, non-pushy manner.

You theoretically don't have a "right" to know anything, but maybe just as much as you want to know, he'd like to get that secret off his chest.

[Telle]

It could very well be something that just never came up. When's a good moment to just suddenly say "Oh, btw, you have other siblings"?

RendeR has two children from a previous marriage that he hasn't seen since that marriage ended and she took the kids off to the west coast. I had wondered how we would go about telling our two little ones about them. At what age do you say something? How do you even bring it up? Turns out RendeR's mother has pictures of them on her wall and has already told our two who they are.. so it's been taken care of for us.

[CamEdwards]

I found out a few years ago that my dad had a daughter from his first marriage who died as an infant. I knew that he had kids from his first marriage, but I didn't know about this particular child until I was in my late 20's.

I think you have every right to talk to your dad about it, but I wouldn't do it in an accusatory fashion. If your dad's getting up in years, maybe you can talk to him generally about his life to try to fill in the gaps in knowledge you have about him. I know I've been asking my father quite a bit over the past couple of years because soon he won't be here. I want to know as much about his life as I can, not because I want to sit in judgement, but because I love him and want to know as much as I can about the life he's led.

Best of luck Lathum... it's a hard situation.

[Subby]

Look on the bright side - your wife is probably totally cool about you getting a metal detector now...

[BrianD]

Originally Posted by Telle

It could very well be something that just never came up. When's a good moment to just suddenly say "Oh, btw, you have other siblings"?

RendeR has two children from a previous marriage that he hasn't seen since that marriage ended and she took the kids off to the west coast. I had wondered how we would go about telling our two little ones about them. At what age do you say something? How do you even bring it up? Turns out RendeR's mother has pictures of them on her wall and has already told our two who they are.. so it's been taken care of for us.

This was basically what I was thinking. There may not have been an attempt to keep them secret, just no real need to add the drama that it may cause. I wouldn't think the act of knowing or not knowing will really change your life, but I can see where knowing something but not everything will gnaw at you for a while. If you have a decent relationship with your father, go ahead and ask but don't push. You at least have the right to open the topic, but that is about as far as that goes.

From a pragmatic standpoint, knowing something about your half-siblings might be worthwhile. If you ever need any medical history information or anything like that, they might be a source of info. It might also be worth knowing that there may someday be a challenge to an inheritance or something like that. You may never deal with that, but it would suck to be completely surprised by it.

[Logan]

Yeah I think prefacing it by saying something along the lines of "it's okay if you don't want to discuss it, but I was curious..." is a good start.

[Lathum]

First off thank you to everyone for responding with alot of great feedback, ideas, etc...

I slept on it last night, kind of, and my wife and I decided the best thing to do for now is wait. I'm not upset emotionaly or anything, it's just strange to find out.

Some of you may think it's odd I posted about this, but I really can't tell anyone in my family because I am afraid it would make it's way back. The only people that know are my wife and my 2 closest friends, bothe of whom are board members here.

Originally Posted by Izulde

Is telling your sister and/or talking to your dad about it worth the possible fallout and drama it'd cause?

Personally, I wouldn't tell your sister and I definitely wouldn't bring it up to your dad. I'm sure he has his reasons for keeping quiet on it.

My thought exactly. My dad is a great guy who has always been open with us so I am certain he has his reasons. My sister is far more volatile then I am so for now I am keeping this to myself.

Originally Posted by Mac Howard

It sounds like your real concern is that you feel you've been deceived?

I'm not sure if deceived is the right word, but it's close. I feel more curious then anything. Curious why he has never told me.

Originally Posted by Marc Vaughan

However its very possible that there are good reasons for him not having told you (perhaps his ex-wife didn't allow him contact with the kids and would have been far from happy if you'd have met them also?).

I'd also suggest that even if you had met them they would most likely have ended up 'distant relations' rather than the brother/sister you seem to be thinking of them as.

I'm almost certain there is a bad situation with the ex wife dynamic and I really don't have much inclination to meet them.

Originally Posted by JonInMiddleGA

From the conversation with your aunt, is it possible that the kids she mentioned weren't your father's but instead belonged to his first wife? I mean, she was tipsy telling the story & you said the subject changed pretty quickly, so was she absolutely definitive about the paternity?

I thought of this but I doubt it. Based on my aunts reactions my father is definantly their father. Plus they were married young and it was during a time when most people didn't have kids, divorece and remarry. Based on my loose timeline this all took place late forties-fifties, my dad just turned 78.

Originally Posted by Alan T

Lathum,

I can't relate but my mother could probably. My mother never knew her father, and she was actually told a story about what happened to him for a good part of her life (the first 20 years or so) mainly because some things just wern't talked about in the 1940s or 1950s.

When she was in her 30s, she actually ended up finding out the truth about her father, who he was, his name and so on. She found out that there was another entire side of his family that she never knew about. She had all kinds of other Aunts and Uncles and a ton of Half-Sisters and Half-Brothers.

I can ask her the next time I talk to her if she was happier knowing or not, but I always was under the impression that it made her happy to the sense of it gave a new sense of closure for her. She ended up traveling the next few summers all over the country finding and meeting this new family. (most of which didn't know about her either).

Maybe it is a case of different people would take it different ways. Some people would rather know while others are happier being left in the dark if it won't make their life any better.

I;m not sure how it could make my life better, but I would be curious to hear her POV.

Originally Posted by hoopsguy

It is interesting how many people are responding to this that are downplaying the idea of distant family. I'm not suggesting that these siblings are going to fill some kind of void in his life, but it would be nice for Lathum to have the opportunity to find out. And if he has a strong relationship with his father then I think he has every right to be disappointed that this subject has never been broached.

I had a very similar experience a couple of years ago, where my grandmother told me that my mother had given a child up for adoption. She got pregnant early in life, had a daughter that she has never known. She later had me and my brother, but I have to imagine it is tough on her never getting to raise a daughter and wondering what has happened with the daughter she has never known.

And this is where it kind of gets me. My father has kids who as far as I know have never known him and that makes me very sad. For the kids and my father. Now I have no idea what happened or what their mother has told them. I know my father as a great man who deserved to know his kids.

Originally Posted by lordscarlet

First of all, the idea that siblings are worthless is bullshit. Just because your family isn't close, doesn't mean that siblings aren't the closest friends you can have.

Second, it's a tough situation, Lathum. I think if you talk to your father you should do everything you can to not be hurtful about it. I assume you are not looking to make him feel bad, but simply to learn about these lost siblings (and possibly any other family you don't know about; you could be an uncle). Perhaps you could approach your mom about it? Presumably she knows a little more about the situation and could tell you how your dad might feel about you inquiring. However, if she didn't know, that could make it much worse.

I would be shocked if my mother didn't know but I also considered this. I have a really great, open relationship with my mom and could probably get the story from her. I would never do anything hurtfull to my dad. I am sure this is a hard topic for him, otherwise why not tell us?

Originally Posted by Mustang

I'd be more prone to talk to your Dad about it just in case it comes out accidentally again and your sister finds out. She may react completely differently.

Something I am also worried about, but my sister already has alot of emotional problems ( widowed single mom of 3, etc...)

Originally Posted by MikeVic

I wouldn't be able to keep it inside of me for a long time and would eventually ask about it. Maybe ask your aunt how she feels if you were to ask your dad?

Thats a good idea, because it can't be undone now. I am also the type of person who has a hard time keeping things in.

Originally Posted by jeheinz72

I don't see any harm asking him about it in a non-confrontational, non-pushy manner.

You theoretically don't have a "right" to know anything, but maybe just as much as you want to know, he'd like to get that secret off his chest.

One of my best friends made the same point, it may be a relief for him.

Originally Posted by Subby

Look on the bright side - your wife is probably totally cool about you getting a metal detector now...

still no shot at that, she won't relent.

Originally Posted by BrianD

This was basically what I was thinking. There may not have been an attempt to keep them secret, just no real need to add the drama that it may cause. I wouldn't think the act of knowing or not knowing will really change your life, but I can see where knowing something but not everything will gnaw at you for a while. If you have a decent relationship with your father, go ahead and ask but don't push. You at least have the right to open the topic, but that is about as far as that goes.

From a pragmatic standpoint, knowing something about your half-siblings might be worthwhile. If you ever need any medical history information or anything like that, they might be a source of info. It might also be worth knowing that there may someday be a challenge to an inheritance or something like that. You may never deal with that, but it would suck to be completely surprised by it.

You bring up alot of good points. Basicly it is going to gnaw at me. My aunt made it very clear there was a story behind it all, and not a good one. My dad very well may be at fault for all I know.

From a medical history POV I am adopted, which adds another wrinkle to it all. Obviously my Mom can't have kids, or choose not to, and this could be hard for her. Maybe they thought it would make us feel inferior, my sister is also adopted. So even though there is no biological bond, it still feels odd. I guess part of me wants to let his kids know what a great dad he is.

As far as meeting them and having any sort of relationship I doubt it. They are probably in their 50s by now and we would have nothing in common.

Anyway, I appreciate all the replys and look forward to more input. Thanks for letting me get this off my chest.

[spleen1015]

Lathum, I think you are handling this extremely well. I have some history of this in my family with the grand parents on my father's side and it wasn't very pretty.

My stepson's father is claimed to be the father of another boy about 3 years old then my stepson. He says he is not the father, but pretty much everyone believes the kid is his. My wife says if you see the kid, you know.

My stepson has no idea this kid is out there and it disappoints me for him. He is a great big brother his sister (my daughter). It is a shame he doesn't have the same relationship with another sibling that he doesn't know about. I feel like he deserves to know about this, but it is not my place to tell him. He is a very emotional kid, so I am afraid of his reaction when he does find out.

[Mustang]

One other thing to consider too is that (not to be morbid here.. I have no knowledge of your Dad's health or anything even related to this), but if your Dad died is there any chance of something coming up that could really blow up? (Kids come out of nowhere to try to stake a claim?)

Estates/wills can bring out the worst of people so.. hate to see you go through the loss of a parent and then have to deal with some family secret that comes up and turns into a legal mess that your Dad wasn't even thinking about.

[JonInMiddleGA]

You bring up alot of good points. Basicly it is going to gnaw at me. My aunt made it very clear there was a story behind it all, and not a good one. My dad very well may be at fault for all I know.

From a medical history POV I am adopted, which adds another wrinkle to it all. Obviously my Mom can't have kids, or choose not to, and this could be hard for her. Maybe they thought it would make us feel inferior, my sister is also adopted. So even though there is no biological bond, it still feels odd. I guess part of me wants to let his kids know what a great dad he is.

As another adoptee who know they have half siblings they've never met (or really know anything about) I can relate.

As a rather cyncial SOB myself, with the further detail you added, another possibility comes to mind: Those siblings could have been conceived during his first marriage and been a part of the household ... but that doesn't mean their biologically his children. In simplest terms, wife #1 might have fooled around. That would explain why they've never been mentioned and could still fit into your aunt's take on them being "his" (if he was raising them as such).

On the subject of what to do/not do, I'll offer this thought. You have every right in the world to ask your dad questions about the situation. You have very little right to demand that he answer those questions.

[lordscarlet]

Originally Posted by Marc Vaughan

Sibling CAN be the closest friends you ever have if you grow up with them, if however you don't they will just be potential friends who share some DNA with you.

Relatioships aren't granted by DNA, they come from time and shared experiences imho - thats why if you adopt and raise a child you are their parent just as much as if they were biologically their parent.

(just to show why I'm taking the stance I am in this - its not the people you're missing, its the 'potential brother/sister' relationships which you might have formed which you're missing - you haven't formed those relationships because you don't know these people - meeting them won't instantly make you close with them just because you share some DNA imho ...)

I was referring to:

Originally Posted by lighthousekeeper

fwiw, i've got 3 siblings and i go years without speaking to any of them. unless you're 8 and need a partner for hide and go seek, siblings are useless.

[Glengoyne]

Ask your father.

Ask your father why this had always been kept quiet.

If he opens up...listen.

If he doesn't ...then back off. He has his reasons. If he is reluctant now, he may open up in the future. Your curiosity now shifts the paradigm that has previously existed.

[JediKooter]

Your aunt also forgot to tell you that Darth Vader is really your father.

Seriously though, this is a tuff one. Those siblings may be a disaster waiting to happen or they could be some of the coolest people you've ever met. You won't know until you find out though and that path goes through your dad. It doesn't sound like it's eating at you which I think helps, give it time and see where it goes from there. Or you could just ask your aunt for more information.

I have 3 half sisters and I'm not terribly close with the oldest, but, am closer with the two younger ones even though we did not grow up together.

[Huckleberry]

So they're not really half-siblings?

That ruins my suggested approach.

"Hey, Dad, I need to talk to you. I've been thinking of fooling around and I just wanted to make sure there's nobody out there I might be closely related to that it would be wrong for me to have an affair with for familial reasons."

[Lathum]

Originally Posted by Huckleberry

So they're not really half-siblings?

That ruins my suggested approach.

"Hey, Dad, I need to talk to you. I've been thinking of fooling around and I just wanted to make sure there's nobody out there I might be closely related to that it would be wrong for me to have an affair with for familial reasons."

they are just as much my half siblings in my eyes regardless of biology. I wouldn't expect someone who isn't adopted to understand my POV.

[Flasch186]

Coulda been this guy:

This was a very difficult Thanksgiving - The Something Awful Forums

[JediKooter]

Originally Posted by Flasch186

Coulda been this guy:

This was a very difficult Thanksgiving - The Something Awful Forums

HAHAHAHAHA!!!

[Huckleberry]

Originally Posted by Lathum

they are just as much my half siblings in my eyes regardless of biology. I wouldn't expect someone who isn't adopted to understand my POV.

Lighten up, Francis. I left out the world "biological."

[Passacaglia]

I guess I'm on the opposite side -- my biological father, who I've talked to over the phone once in the last 25 years, has at least a daughter in his second marriage. It never occurred to me to wonder if his kid(s) know about me.

I think you have a right to know, and even moreso, now that you know a little, you have a right to know the whole story. That said, I think you'll get more of the story if you approach with curiosity rather than any feeling like you've been deceived (if you feel that way).

[King of New York]

I'm genuinely puzzled by the argument that anyone would have a "right to know" about half-siblings from a previous marriage. Why is that a "right?" Surely no one expects that people should know all the personal details of their parents' lives, whether their parents want them to know those details or not.

That having been said, if it were me, I would want to know and I would ask as delicately as I could. But if my parent told me that it was none of my business, I would accept that.

[thealmighty]

Originally Posted by King of New York

But if my parent told me that it was none of my business, I would accept that.

If my parent told me it was none of my business I would look for a new parent.