I never dreamed it would be like this

[PilotMan]

Many of you know that I am the happy father of three wonderful boys. Mrs PM and I had always talked of having a 4th, but we were waiting for the timing to be right. A few years went by and we kept talking about it, but we were getting older too.

January of last year we decided to try again. Our youngest was 5 and we both decided that now was the time, or never. We were older, wiser, and very experienced parents. Things were supposed to be easy, laid back, and we were going to enjoy raising a new baby.

We have never had any trouble getting pregnant, but we have had a couple of miscarriages, but they were very early on. Typically, if we got to the initial appointment we were good.

That wasn't the case last year. The first appointment was abnormal. We ended up at hospital, but they wanted up back in a week. A week of wondering and pain. Next appointment, same, come back in a week. We still don't know. Another week, and finally we got the news that we had been dreading. It wasn't going to be viable. That was July, last year.

It was terrible, brutal, sad, terribly, terribly sad. We were in a funk for a long time. It took months for her body to start cycling again, but we decided to try, just one more time. The chances of it happening again were seriously small.

It took until January of this year for her to get pregnant again. We didn't tell anyone. Not even family members. Not even out kids. We wanted to avoid all of the pain of telling everyone, then having to explain what happened to everyone. It was like opening a fresh wound. We decided to wait extra long before our first appointment. All the signs were there. Everything was going great.

Today was our first appointment. My wife was to be 10 weeks and 5 days today. We were nervous, scared, excited. Thrilled that today had finally come, and ready to celebrate tonight. No. That was not the case. Back to the hospital for another ultrasound, a better look. But we already knew. Tears flowed, a deep hurt welled up, and the fresh pain of realizing what was happening overtook us.

We are done. This is hell. The surgery is scheduled for Monday. It's going to be a long road from here. Thank God, that we have 3 wonderful, beautiful boys to love and hold. But there is always going to be that sadness of the last time we tried.

Sorry for the long post, I just needed a bit of support friends. And please, if you facebook me, do it privately. I would like to keep this off my public page.

[DaddyTorgo]

Man...sorry to hear that PM. I had that happen to an old coworker...it's like hell.

[Eaglesfan27]

Very sorry to hear that PM. My wife and I have also had a few miscarriages.. it is very difficult.

[FrogMan]

you got me crying here with you man, I feel your pain. There are too many kids coming to this world to parents who don't want them or are not prepared to welcome them that it always pains me to see people like you go through what you are going through.

As you said, you already have 3 beautiful children. Cherish them, love them.

I will keep you and your wife in my thoughts. Hang in there my friend.

FM

[miami_fan]

I am so sorry to hear this news PM. I know that pain all too well.

[finkenst]

PM,

My heart feels for you and wife... As a newly married man, i can't imagine what this feels like for you. You'll be in my prayers this weekend.

--tim

[CleBrownsfan]

Sorry Pilot

[terpkristin]

Sorry to hear that, PM.

/tk

[k0ruptr]

I am so so so sorry to hear that PM. As someone who has been through a miscarriage, I semi understand, its not fair and its rough. take it easy alright? Aloha.

[Lathum]

Really sorry to hear. My wife and I spent 4 hours in the hospital today because of complications with our unborn child and it was hell. I can't begin to fathom what you must be going through. Thought are with you and the Mrs.

[wade moore]

I can't imagine what this must be like - my thoughts are with you and your wife.

[Flasch186]

Sorry man, we too had a miscarriage early on so we empathize with you and will say a prayer for you.

[PurdueBrad]

PM, my heart goes out to you as do the prayers of my family.

[JonInMiddleGA]

Very sorry for your loss, I wish I had something to say that would help but I don't believe any words I can find are remotely sufficient.

[sterlingice]

I have no idea what to say to something like this but just wanted to try to add to the well wishes and sympathy from others

SI

[Kodos]

I'll echo the others. Very sad for you, and I wish there was something I could say that might help. Hopefully you can find comfort in your boys.

[Passacaglia]

Really sorry to hear that, PilotMan. You and your wife are definitely in my thoughts.

[Swaggs]

Very sorry for the pain you guys must be feeling right now. We tried for our first last year, had a smooth pregnancy, and then 10-weeks from his due date, went in and were told that he needed to be delivered within 48 hours or my wife's life was in immediate danger (she developed HELLP Syndrome). My wife felt fine, but her liver enzymes and blood pressure had suddenly reached a very, very dangerous level. Wife and child are doing well now (he will turn 7-months old on Monday, but is more at a 4.5 - 5-month level and spent the first 38-days of his life in the hospital).

We had always wanted to have more than one and will probably eventually try, but right now it is really scary to think about. With all the good fortune we have had since, it feels kind of greedy to think about trying again and that we should be happy with what we have, so it is a tough call to keep trying.

[PilotMan]

Thanks everyone. Thank you for your kind words and concern. I am worried about my wife. The last one was so hard, but she looked at me today with a look that I haven't seen in our nearly 10 years of marriage. An innocent look, a look of total devastation. The way a child looks at you when they realize something is gone forever. I need to be strong. Thanks for giving me an outlet.

[Glengoyne]

Come and share what you need to. An outlet is realistically all this place and those of us here can be for you.

My wife and I were there once, and while I found it good to know that many others had shared the experience. That knowledge doesn't dull the pain nor the hurt you feel for your wife and her disappointment.

[Dodgerchick]

Awww, man. My eyes got all watery... so sorry PM You and your lovely wife are in my thoughts.

[Draft Dodger]

sorry for your loss, PM

[SackAttack]

Originally Posted by JonInMiddleGA

Very sorry for your loss, I wish I had something to say that would help but I don't believe any words I can find are remotely sufficient.

+1.

My condolences, PM.

[BYU 14]

Very sorry for your loss PM, I can not even imagine the pain you and your wife are feeling. You are both in my thoughts.....And give those three wonderful children of yours an extra big hug..

[Honolulu_Blue]

Sorry to hear that, PM. Very sorry. All the best to you and the wife.

[MacroGuru]

PM,

Wow....what can I say that hasn't been said before. You have been the shoulder for me to lean on lately. It's my turn now, feel free to lean on my shoulder.

I truly feel for your loss and what you both are going through. If you just need to talk, you know I am here for that.

[Maple Leafs]

Really sorry to hear that... hang in there.

[MIJB#19]

Stay strong, be there for your PilotWoman.
Good luck, if you can speak of that, with the surgery.

After that, I'd like to echo what FrogMan posted, cherish and love the three boys you two brought into the world. It won't take the pain away, but they're also three more loved ones who feel with you and can support you two.

[Logan]

Also adding on to everyone's support here.

And to Lathum and Swaggs...nothing but the best wishes for you guys and your families in your current situations.

[Raiders Army]

I'm sorry for you and your wife.

[JeeberD]

I'm so sorry, PM...

[MizzouRah]

Terrible PM.. I'm sorry.

[Icy]

I'm so sorry PM, sadly i know exactly what you are going through. Keep strong and support your wife, she really needs you now.

Also enjoy the kids you have, i know we always think about what our dreams could have been, and how bad luck we have had, but there is always somebody in a worse situation than you, and while it's doesn't ease your pain, at least helps to be grateful about what you have already and others can only dream about.

[azjoe_02]

Very sorry to hear this PM. Prayers will be put up for you and your wife.

[BigDPW]

Sorry to hear. I will say a prayer for your family.

[JediKooter]

I'm very sorry to about hear this Pilot. Stay strong man.

[Mizzou B-ball fan]

Rough situation. Sorry to hear.

Wife's sister is going through a rough time as well. Couple of miscarriages and she's 37 years old. Unfortunately, she doesn't have any kids yet.

[SnowMan]

Hits pretty close to home, here, too. Horribly story, hold on to the blessings you have.

[cougarfreak]

Stay strong, you are in my prayers.

[PilotMan]

I am exhausted. Today has been a roller coaster of emotion and raw energy. I came completely unglued this morning before I had even gotten out of bed. I was so angry that I was screaming (at nobody in particular), hyperventilating, crying, kicking out, slamming my hands on the floor. It took a while to calm down, and thankfully the kids didn't find me to see what was going on.

Then over breakfast, we had to have a talk with my 15yr old, who threw the cat at his youngest brother, causing a 4 inch scratch from his nose across his forehead. Impulse control is his issue, and we always seem to have this talk. But he was blowing it off like it wasn't an issue, and I ended up giving him the dressing down of his life. My little boys ran and hid under the covers of my bed, and I used some words that I have never spoken to my kids. ever. Not my proudest moment.

We went to church today, but we probably shouldn't have. We are both still so angry, and although I wanted it to be better, the emotion swings continued. I ended up leaving the service and found myself outside crying.

I have yelled more today than ever before I think. I yelled at the kids because my 8-yr old cleaned up the bathroom, but put wet towels under the sink with clean ones instead of hanging them up. Because I found clean clothes stacked up with dirty clothes to be washed. Typically I wouldn't lose it for such minor things.

We head to the hospital tomorrow morning for her surgery. I am scared. The last one was alright, but I was still scared. We can't heal til it's over, but I really would rather just go back to before we knew all of this. I can't walk by the baby section, I can't think about the maybe's, the what might have been.

The good moments come here and there, and I know that time heals all pain, but I know tomorrow is barreling down on me like a freight train. And it's not going to feel any better than today did.

[hoopsguy]

Very sorry to hear this, PilotMan. I can tell you it does get a little easier with time, but I'm not sure that is much consolation in the moment.

My wife still despises Babies 'R Us, and that is after we were able to adopt a beautiful baby girl. I still react far more strongly to news stories about parental neglect than any other five topics combined.

Does your oldest boy understand what is going on with you and your wife?

[sterlingice]

(To be fair, who doesn't despise Babies 'R Us? )

SI

[PilotMan]

Originally Posted by hoopsguy

Does your oldest boy understand what is going on with you and your wife?

No, our kids took the ordeal last year really hard. We didn't tell them that we were even expecting, just in case this happened. He knows something is going on, but I don't think he knows what. I apologized a lot today. To my oldest, and both my youngest kids.

[CrimsonFox]

Awwwwwwwww very sorry. *hugs* hope things get better. LEt it out completely. no shame in that.

[PilotMan]

Mrs. PM is out of the hospital and resting in bed. I am glad that part if finally over. Now perhaps, we can truly begin to heal. I am just grateful that the surgery is over, and there were no complications. Thanks again, for listening and giving me support.

[sterlingice]

Excellent news

SI

[stevew]

sorry to hear about your struggles and wish you the best in the future.

[chesapeake]

I am very sorry to see this, PM, but I am glad that the surgery went well. Hug the ones you have extra hard.