A friend in need

[Glengoyne]

A former co-worker and close friend has found herself in a dramatically life changing situation. She is a health and fitness fiend. She runs marathons, and both her and her husband are triathletes. Iron man triathletes, to be specific.

A few months back she went on temporary disability because she was experiencing back pain. For her, it was debilitating back pain, which is saying something, because her tolerance for pain is extraordinary. She went through six weeks of Physical Therapy and treatment. In the end, they determined her condition had improved, and her pain had greatly diminished.

A week ago, her husband and her returned early from a vacation abroad primarily because of her discomfort. Upon return she visited her GP who scheduled an MRI and a chiropractor just to hopefully obtain some relief. The next morning she awoke, essentially paralyzed from her waist down. She had multiple ruptured discs and a compressed spinal cord. Two emergency surgeries later, she has improved dramatically, yet still has a complete lack of feeling and motor control below her ankles. I cannot fathom the shock of this experience for anyone, let alone someone who leads an incredibly active lifestyle.

She has been champing at the bit to get to physical therapy. The triathlete drive being held in check by required bed rest for recovery. Her attitude has been one of "When I'm better" or "I scheduled such and such for May, because I will be walking by then".

This morning when I brought her her morning coffee, she was ...changed. When attempting to get out of bed for her first Physical Therapy, she passed out. I guess this isn't an atypical post operative condition. I'm terrible at identifying others' feelings. I may cry like a thirteen year old girl when I read a sappy story, but I have little or no awareness of other people's feelings or motivations. At the time I guessed that she was experiencing disappointment or minor depression, but now I'm thinking it was a real fear that she may not ever improve. All right, now I've started typing my own sappy story with predictable effects, so I'll have to change the subject a bit.

I guess the point of this post, beyond sharing a troubling part of my life (while not actually my life), is to say that I have no real clue how to help her at this point. I'm just visiting her, listening and responding honestly to her while not avoiding the elephant in the room. All right too sappy again. enough is enough.

[terpkristin]

Having been in an eerily similar set of situations as your friend, there isn't much you CAN do, aside from being there to talk to her and listen to her. It's something she's going to have to come to terms with in her own way...at least, that's what I found. The transition from super-active athlete to "person who will never run again" was brutal for me, something I still deal with.

Continue to be there for her and being open and honest...and don't worry about the elephant. If she wants to talk to someone who's been in a very similar situation, I don't mind if you give her my info. Or if you have questions or want to talk in a less public forum, feel free to drop me an email (kpilotte at the ole gee-whiz mail) or a PM.

Seriously, this is something where it's very dependent on the person how they cope with it.

/tk

[Chief Rum]

Sorry if I ask some questions here, because I think I am not understanding something. Let me relay back what just happened and you tell me if I am right...

Her first physical therapy session, which she had been chomping at the bit to get to, ended with her passing out? And essentially she didn't even get to do it--she passed out just trying to get out of bed to do it? And now you're concerned you're not reading her mood right, and you think she's afraid she'll never get better? Also, you're saying the passing out is something does happen at least on occasion to someone in her condition?

If that last is true, then I would think this is nothing to worry about and was expected, unless it was something the doctors told her she needed to watch out for because it means her condition is irreparable or something like that. But you don't have anything like that in there...

In any case, sorry your friend is going through that. I am sure it's terrifying.

[terpkristin]

Without going into a lot of public detail, these were some of the things I dealt with and how I handled them

depression: relied on great friends and also went on Zoloft. I probably should have tried to talk to a professional, but I had issues trying to do that

making slow (or no, or reverse) progress in therapy: set realistic goals. Find ONE good therapist and stick with them (many PT places have multiple therapists and patients may see more than one during treatment), insisting I only get with them. Talking to the physical therapist about realistic goals and how I was feeling and frustrations helped, too.

lifestyle changes/weight gain: I'd been an athlete for so long and when I couldn't be, it changed my emotional state (since I'd been used to working out to relieve stress) and also lead to weight gain (from not working out and also eating more because of depression). This was a viscous cycle that contributed to further depression, etc.

Finding small things I could still do...and setting goals with those things. When I blew up my ankle, I'd been running marathons. Finding out I'd never run again was something I didn't know how to deal with. But I could still swim. So I set goals for that. Goals for rehab (like doing x meters on the arm bike in y time). Setting goals with other patients going through rehab at the same time helped, too.

Finally, finding others who were going through the same problems I was helped. I made connections at physical therapy. It's been 6 years since I lost the ability to run and now I've been having my back issues...and am finding some of the cycle repeating (because the things I finally got "used" to doing to stay active are also out of the question right now). Finding others at therapy who were going though the same things helps. Weirdly, finding people who have it worse also helps me...helps put things in perspective...

/tk

[Glengoyne]

Originally Posted by Chief Rum

Sorry if I ask some questions here, because I think I am not understanding something. Let me relay back what just happened and you tell me if I am right...
...

If that last is true, then I would think this is nothing to worry about and was expected, unless it was something the doctors told her she needed to watch out for because it means her condition is irreparable or something like that. But you don't have anything like that in there...

In any case, sorry your friend is going through that. I am sure it's terrifying.

Pretty much. What I communicated was that this wasn't even a "set back". This is just another hurdle on her way to getting started.

That said, I'm still thinking that for her the passing out triggered something. As for terrifying, I can't even seriously imagine a reality where I'm that impaired. Yes terrifying.

[Glengoyne]

Thanks TK.

I was thinking of you when I posted, actually.

[chesapeake]

Originally Posted by Glengoyne

I'm just visiting her, listening and responding honestly to her while not avoiding the elephant in the room.

Frankly, I'm concluding from this that you have a pretty good clue as to what to do to help as her friend.

[Glengoyne]

Originally Posted by chesapeake

Frankly, I'm concluding from this that you have a pretty good clue as to what to do to help as her friend.

In some ways I think you're right. I'm just not confident of this. It is definitely deeper water than I'm comfortable in.

[Glengoyne]

The actual problem she has has a name, cuada equine syndrome. Essentially our nerves split up to go various directions at the base of our spine. This looks like a horse's tail, thus the equine in the name. Her husband, a physician himself, described it to me. Apparently she has a very serious case, among the worst symptomatically before surgery. That is the bad news. The good news is that there is no visibly irreparable damage, nothing impairing her healing or recovery, and that the second surgery provided significant improvement.

Based on our discussion this morning, she is in for a roller coaster ride. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. Only time will tell what level of recovery she will see.