Now that's an essay...

[rkmsuf]

This was actually an essay written by a college applicant. The author of this essay now attends NYU.

3A. ESSAY
IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW
YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE
FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU
HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE
HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have
been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more
efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for
Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.
Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot
bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute
Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love,
and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly
defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army
ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject
of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges
in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I
repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.
Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I
don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have
been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I
toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat
.400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international
botany circles.
Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy.
I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and
still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the
exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed
several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do
sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully
negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The
laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On
weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years
ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have
made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven.
I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan,
cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin.
I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have
spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

[Ben E Lou]

That one's been around a *long* time. If he really wrote it, I really hope he no longer attends NYU, 'cause if he does, by now he should be around 30.

[rkmsuf]

damn 28K connection...

[Franklinnoble]

I didn't know The Afoci went to NYU...

[Ksyrup]

Yes, that one's been around as long as I've been on the internet.

[Ksyrup]

I might have missed it, but as long as that's been around, I'm shocked that I couldn't find a reference to it on snopes.

[Ben E Lou]

Originally posted by rkmsuf
The laws of physics do not apply to me.

Whenever my wife tells me, "No way that you'll be able to do that," this is my standard response.

[rkmsuf]

I was just checking to make sure you were paying attention...

"People think I'm an idiot or something, because all I do is cut lawns for a living. "

[Ksyrup]

This guy had Cocky and Funny down long before HM ever made an appearance on this board.

[The Afoci]

Originally posted by Franklinnoble
I didn't know The Afoci went to NYU...

It is a little known fact about me that I attended a private Lutheran College on scholarship and studied religion for sometime along with computer science. I also was able to get a Coast Guard Academy Recruiter to dry dishes as I washed them. My ASVAB or whatever score was huge I guess. B and C are the key.