ZFL Season 6

[revrew]

2006 Schedule

Important or interesting matchups in bold

Week 1:
BH - EP
CH - AQ
FG - CN - Some predict CN will get their first ever win right away
SA - MW - The defenses square off
LA - KX - The champs get an early test
PT - LR

Week 2:
LR - EP
PT - KX
LA - MW
SA - CN
FG - AQ
CH - BH

Week 3:
FG - EP
SA - CH
LA - BH
PT - AQ - Sorting out the big dogs
LR - CN
KX - MW - Sorting out the upper middle class

Week 4:
MW - EP
KX - CN
LR - AQ
PT - BH
LA - CH
SA - FG

Week 5:
SA - EP
LA - FG
PT - CH
LR - BH - Sorting out the lower middle class
KX - AQ
MW - CN

Week 6:
KX - EP
LR - MW
PT - CN
LA - AQ
SA - BH
FG - CH - Sorting out the basement?

Week 7:
PT - EP
LR - LA
KX - SA - Now it starts to heat up...
MW - FG
CN - CH
AQ - BH

Week 8:
CH - EP
FG - BH
SA - AQ - The 'topes get a shot to prove themselves
LA - CN
PT - MW
LR - KX

Week 9:
AQ - EP
BH - CN
CH - MW
FG - KX
SA - LR
LA - PT - Is this the championship?

Week 10:
LA - EP
PT - SA - Or this?
LR - FG
KX - CH
MW - BH
CN - AQ

Week 11:
CN - EP
MW - AQ
KX - BH
LR - CH
PT - FG
LA - SA - Or this?

[revrew]

Mark Schlereth's picks

Portland: 10-1"Offensively, they are going to just pound people. By air and turf. Defensively -- you don't run on the Military Middle. And with rookie Master Hu Li (my pick for DROY) added into the secondary and the emergence of young safety Black Mage, the passing D will be good enough to stop teams from keeping up with their 30-point-per-game average. What truly frightens me is that their oldest starter is 31. And they'll probably replace him in the draft next year."
San Antonio: 10-1"If anyone can take down Portland, it's the Margaritas. Their defense will pitch several shutouts (I predict no more than 5 touchdowns scored against all season--combined), and the running game will continue to plow ahead. Passing? We'll see how the rook does. This whole season may come down to a kicker in a 0-0 game."
Los Angeles: 9-2"Still a top-notch defense, and the Stars have built an offense worthy of a championship, but the rest of the league is going to be looking up at Portland and San Antonio for a while. I think it's a good thing L.A. got in their title last year, while they still could."
Albuquerque: 8-3"Albuquerque is doing many things right. Rookie Drederick Tatum coming in will help, Ralph Wiggum may be the best OT in the ZFL, there's youth ascending; and the trade for OG Goliath may be just what Albuquerque needs to put the offensive hurtin' on opposing squads. Offensively, the talent is there to win the whole enchilada, but until the defense picks it up, the Isotopes may have to wait before claiming the crown."
Milwaukee: 7-4"The Muscle Men are loaded with young players that have come out of camp looking better than they did last year. Milwaukee has replaced both DTs, and their back 6--DEs, LBs, and secondary--may be the best unit in football. Not ready to win the championship yet, but a very well-rounded squad."
Knoxville:7-4"The Rednecks have probably the best offense in the ZFL (what's new?). That alone should garner them 7 wins. But they also have the undoubtedly worst defense. Last year's DROY Deion Jackson will be hard-pressed to carry the load himself. The Rednecks may be in for a Chicago-like dive soon if they can't shore up the aging D."
Birmingham: 6-5"Here's a team on the rise again. I change my mind about what I said in Milwaukee. The Olympians may have the best back 6 in football, plus they have DT stud Hera. The Olympian defense will rival San Antonio for tops in the league. On offense, several parts are there, especially the emerging superstar, OG Another Troy. If new starter HB Roman pans out, Birmingham could pull some upsets."
Chicago: 4-7"Never has a team helped themselves so much in a single draft. This is NOT the same team we saw last year. All of a sudden, the defense is crawling back in, and the offense is getting ready. Unfortunately for the Eagles, the complete turnaround won't happen in a single year. But one more draft like that, and the Eagles will be going for a third ring."
El Paso: 4-7"The Busters did not help themselves in the offseason. In fact, I think they're taking some steps backward. There's too much age and too many missing components. GM JeeberD has his work cut out for him."
Little Rock: 3-8"You gotta love Rajah Saleem. His offensive line is going to be better, but he had an off year last year, so I don't know how much that means. The defense is getting better, but with every other player in his thirties, it just isn't getting better fast enough to keep up with the ZFL powerhouses."
Cincinnati: 2-9 "Okay, what I said about 'never has a team helped themself so much in the draft'? Strike that. Cinci's record may not show it, but they are in a whole new world of talent they've never seen before right now. The defense is young and suddenly becoming quite solid. They have an OLB on the bench who would be starting on most teams. If Cinci can build up the offense in future years and do there what they did to the D, the Chaps will rise!"
Fargo: 1-10"Fargo had a good offseason. WR Kaptain Insano and OG Ray will both star in the future. But they have had so much age-purging to do, and right now the bench is filled with young, mediocre guys. If only The Afoci could get a draft pick to break out. If only injuries would stay away. If only...doesn't win many ballgames. Rough year ahead for the 'Fish."

[revrew]

The other "experts" pick:

Dan Patrick:
Champion: "What the hell you wanna ask me for? I picked Chicago last year, for Christ's sake."
Upstart: "Heck, might as well pick Cincinnati. Let you all laugh at me some more."
MVP: "HB Rajah Saleem, LR - With that new blocking machine in front of him, Rajah is going through the roof."
Rookie to watch: "Behind that line? Gotta watch HB Lothar Dirtpounder of the Here and There in Portland."

Ron Jaworski:
Champion: "I called Stars last year; I call Margaritas this year"
Upstart: "Chicago. Their rookies look awesome in camp, and I think last year was a bit of a fluke."
MVP: "MLB Ray Lewis, SA"
Rookie to watch: "After looking at just one practice, you'll see that CH MLB 'Ell Capone' as they call him is going to be special."

Merril Hodge:
Champion: "Why talk about Portland if you're not going to put the money down? I say Sea Biscuits win it down the stretch."
Upstart: "Shhhh. Be very, very quiet. There's some building going on in Fargo."
MVP: "Bleeding purple here, I'm going with PT WR Manfred von Richthofen."
Rookie to watch: "I'll tell you who will make the real difference in Portland: Lothar Dirtpounder will shove the Biscuits into title contention, but CB Master Hu Li will determine whether Portland finishes #1 or #2."

Terry Bradshaw:
Champion: "I said it last year, I say it again. LA - Because defense wins championships."
Upstart: "Birmingham. Those young guys coming in should be just what the Olympians need."
MVP: "QB Moe Sizzlack, AQ - Because QBs win MVP."
Rookie to watch: "Chicago safety Shut Down could come in and play like a veteran from day 1."

Howie Long:
Champion: "I was a year early in picking San Antonio last season. I pick them again, but this time, I'll get it right."
Upstart: "Portland will vie for the crown."
MVP: "MLB Ray Lewis, SA"
Rookie to watch: "OG Ray in Fargo might not come to mind right away, but as Glutton for Punishment puts up the yards, he will."

Michael Irvin:
Champion: "Albuquerque - Pass + Run = Victory. They've got the whole scoring package now. Watch out, Redneck scoring record, the 'topes are comin' up!"
Upstart: "Cincinnati. That draft will do a club good."
MVP: "AQ QB Moe Sizzlack. He's setting the record books so high, they might stand for generations!"
Rookie to watch: "Back to sizzle-city, the new man in town is AQ FB Drederick Tatum."

Tony Cornheiser:
Champion: "Sizzlack's squad let me down last year, and I don't know if even a stellar QB is enough. I'll go with the well-rounded Margaritas."
Upstart: "Chicago comes back to make some noise."
MVP: "QB Moe Sizzlack, AQ. You can't argue with the numbers."
Rookie to watch: "San Antonio is hanging their hopes on QB Dip Dipperson. Watch carefully."

Brawny Mike:
Champion: "LA is young and now they've tasted victory. It's like a feeding frenzy. They're going to want some more."
Upstart: "Albuquerque - don't be surprised if some of those trades launch them into title contention."
MVP: "MLB Brad Pitt, LA. He comes back to reassert who the man is in the ZFL."
Rookie to watch: "PT HB Lothar Dirtpounder is a shoe-in for OROY."

Scrawny Mike:
Champion: "Last year was L.A.'s turn. This year I'm calling on Portland to take the crown."
Upstart: "I think Cincinnati might just climb out of the cellar. That's upstart enough for me."
MVP: "PT OG Erik Flamebeard. If ever an O-lineman can win the award, it will be this year as he plows the way for a rookie tailback and a championship."
Rookie to watch: "I agree with the fat man. PT HB Lothar Dirtpounder will gather some hardware at the end of the season."

Denny Green:
Champion: "San Antonio Margaritas are primed, pumped, and in position to procure a pppblltpbpt..."

"A what?"

"Sorry. Tongue-tied my alliteration. A title. A title is what they'll...get."
Upstart: "Milwaukee. Injuries be damned."
MVP: "DE All-Pro, SA"
Rookie to watch: "Chicago safety Shut Down"

11-year-old Cody Turren from Bozeman, Montana:
Champion: "If we can dismiss the duplication of championships by the Eagles in previous seasons as a statistical anomoly and recognize instead the league's penchant for parity and diversified dispersion of achievement as more than mere happenstance, thus giving account to current drafting techniques for more than correlation but indeed causation for the previously stated diversity, then the logical conclusion is the asendancy of a previously undecorated orgarnization. Among current contenders, consensus seems to indicate Portland, San Antonio, and Albuquerque as the primary recipients of superior talent through the causal draft relationships. Furthermore, as Birmingham, Chicago, and Portland have demonstrated, the infusion of uninitiated and largely inexperienced players at quarterback has actually resulted in positive gains for their respective squads, one would look with relative favor opon a participant that relies on the arm of a rookie, and since neither Cincinnati nor Little Rock were listed among the aforementioned recipients of superior talent, the primary indicators would evidence one particular team's likelihood above the others. And thus, the natural choice."

"uh....I'm sorry. And who would that be again?"

"San Antonio. Obviously."

"Thanks. No further questions."

[sachmo71]

Awesome, Rev. Thanks!

[digamma]

Defense is overrated.

[JAG]

Darn, I was really interested in Cody's MVP pick.

[Swaggs]

Let's get it on!

[illinifan999]

Cody from Montana rocks!

[Marmel]

For this season, would you all refer to me as 'Champ' please?

[korme]

Someone get me a goddamn WR.

I'll give someone a goddamn OLB.

Thankyou.

[Coffee Warlord]

Originally posted by Marmel
For this season, would you all refer to me as 'Champ' please?

There's a Sea Biscuit or two who would beg to differ.

[JeeberD]

Bleh. Sound like it's going to be a dismal season in El Paso...

[revrew]

Week 1 Results
"Week One of the ZFL opens with a bang! Huge matchups right off the bat make week 1 perhaps the most exciting and possibly the most important week of the season!

Let's begin in Albuquerque where the wheelin' and dealin' Isotopes bring their renovated lineup to play against Chicago, a team springboarding from a great preseason into a major rebuilding campaign.

And you know what's frightening? I've watched this game 3 times since it was played, and I still can't account for what I saw. Chicago's rookies Shut Down and "Ell Capone" played brilliantly. Shut Down was all over AQ WR Quagmire, and Capone begins his rookie season with an eye-popping 19-tackle game.

And it's not that the rest of the team played bad. But Albuquerque opened up a can of picture perfect precision and tossed Chicago aside like a child's raggedy doll. Good night, if AQ continues playing like they did today, you can put the title away in Albuquerque.

With OT Ralph Wiggum and rookie FB Drederick Tatum leading the off-tackle charge, HB Guy Incognito showed all the elusiveness he was drafted for. If Capone didn't drag him down from behind a dozen times, Incognito might have rushed for a dozen touchdowns. As it was, he only got 3. And 200 yards.

With the entire Chicago D keying up to stop the run, you can guess what Moe Sizzlack did. 'Kid Gruesome' gunned 24-28-328 and 4 scores. 2 of those to rookie FB Drederick Tatum, and 2 to favorite WR target The Cheat.

Chicago, meanwhile, managed to move the ball fairly well, but 3 ground scores just wouldn't cut it as Albuquerque rolled away in the third quarter and never looked back. AQ, 49-21."

*****
"Another ubercontender for this year's title made a statement game as Portland traveled to Little Rock and took out an offseason-long amount of pent up hostility on the Slick Willies.

Little Rock attempted to go after Portland's rookie CB and first-year starting Safety. It was a good strategy to begin with, for keeping a passing game alive opened up a few holes for HB Rajah Saleem to follow new FB Johnny 'Kid' Rock to big gains. Rajah put up a good game early, busting off a 45-yard weaving TD run and a 39-yard TD sprint.

But, ohhhhh, you don't want to get Portland angry. You won't like Portland when it gets angry.

The Biscuit O-line settled into the trenches, and all hell broke loose behind 'em. What looked like a good game early turned disastrous as Portland scored on 4 straight possessions to end the first half. QB Paddy O'Leary targeted in on Little Rock's very weak secondary and, given his two superstar receivers, lit up the sky. Paddy O' had 300 yards by halftime.

The bruising continued in the second half as PT DT Captain Bipto forced a fumble, rookie CB Master Hu Li picked off a pass, and rookie HB Lothar Dirtpounder pounded in behind his pancake line.

By the time the dust cleared, Portland had screamed out to a 42-14 lead, and that's how it all ended. 420 yards and 3 scores for Paddy O', 2 to Khan Ogadai and one to Manfred von Richthofen. Manfred ran one in as well, and rookie Dirtpounder added 2."

*****
"The excitement has only just begun, however, because even the Queen City was rocking in a home opener against struggling Fargo. Could fate finally smile on the Chaps?

The game began bad for the Chaps as FG HB Glutton for Punishment followed his faithful fullback Ty Wick and new blocking buddy, rookie OG Ray for an opening drive score.

But on Fargo's second drive, CN rookie MLB Fluffy Puff Marshmallow finally caught up with game speed. He made a key fourth-down tackle, and his confidence began to grow.

Cinci tied it up on a HB Bubs 3-yard TD run behind OT anchor, The King of Town.

On Fargo's third drive, again it was Fluffy Puff who put an end to it, and the Cinci crowd began getting into it. Were they smelling a turnaround?

A FG CB F.Swaggs INT off rookie CN QB Mr. Shmallow almost silenced the crowd, but after a quick 4 and out, Shmallow hit WR Homestar Runner for a 39-yard gain, and the Chaps were back in action. Bubs knocked in his second TD of the game, and CN had the lead at the half, 14-7.

In the second half, Cinci did some key damage with timely sacks from DEs The Ugly One and Strong Mad, driving Fargo back. Rookie QB Mr. Shmallow capitalized on it by hitting Homestar Runner for Shmallow's first career TD...and Cinci never looked back.

Fargo got a late TD when Glutton followed OT Stud to paydirt, but by then Cinci had this one wrapped up. The Chaps take it, 28-14.

CN's rookie QB hit 14-26-229-1-1 on the day. Not a bad start for the #1 pick."

*****
"Down in Birmingham, the El Paso Busters ran into a terror of a buzzsaw in the Olympian defense. If it weren't for a Brian Bosworth fumble recovery that set up a Rashaan Salaam TD plunge, the Busters might never have gotten on the board.

You can't say enough for how this Olympian team shut down the Busters, one of last year's up-and-coming offensive squads. Safety Odyssues grabbed a pair of INTs on the day, and comeback player He's Not JeeberD got one himself. Credit some of those to pressure put on by Atlantis and Another Atlantis, who kept EP QB Ryan Leaf off balance all game. With DT Hera and young Cyclopes stuffing up the middle, and rookie OLB Aristotle cleaning up the trash, the Busters couldn't manage 50 yards on the ground all day.

Offensively, the Olympians spread it out well, giving HB successor Roman a chance to test his legs, especially behind dominating OG Another Troy. And while the Buster Bash Backers, Brian Bosworth and Trev Alberts kept Roman somewhat in check, rookie CB Tommy Knight was abused by BH QB Zeus Reloaded. The Olympians kept switching formations to keep EP safety star Patrick Bates out of the action, and ZR found first-rounder Hercules for 9-127 and newly acquired WR Arnold Schwartzeneggar for 8-116-1.

The Olympians score just enough and let the defense do the rest, BH 14-7."

*****
"The defenses came out in San Antonio, too, where the mighty Margarita D faced a Mighty Man D that matched it toe-to-toe, blow to blow.

In fact, the defenses were SO dominating in today's matchup, that the offenses looked utterly inept.

Last season, no one could stop the Muscle Man running game. But Milwuakee's young guards were no match for San Anton's DTs Aragorn and Sack U. With the line all bottled up, SA MLB Ray Lewis turned off the lights, accumulating 13 tackles and stopping the Muscle Men in their tracks.

But if San Antonio hoped to grind out another winning run game, they were in for a rude awakening. M&M got some room in the middle, but it never loosened up as MW MLB Zach Thomas and OLB Superman were on patrol. In the air? Please. Milwaukee's Brock Marion and Patrick Surtain swatted away passes like flies and OLB Superman blitzed in to garner 4.5 sacks, virtually eliminating the Muscle Man air attack. Rookie SA QB Dip Dipperson was sacked 7 times total. And the Margaritas have a pretty strong line. The rest of the league better have insurance on their QBs, becuase Milwaukee is bringin' it.

Two incredible defenses + two iffy offenses resulted in a predictable score. 0-0. Bring on the kickers!

Rumors surrounded San Antonio in the offseason that GM sachmo wanted to pull a trade to replace 37-year-old kicker Eater of Sandwiches. Those propagating the rumors were only given more credence as Eater faced the Kicker king, Milwaukee's Bruce Handily. Handily lived up to his name in a wicked table tennis match that saw Handily win the best of 3 in two sets, 15-4, 15-5. Milwaukee flexes some big muscle by taking down a preseason favorite of many, 3-0."

*****
"Finally, the big matchup between last year's champ, the LA Stars, and former champ, the Knoxville Rednecks. Many said, 'Best offense against one of the best defenses'. But only half the equation lived up to its billing.

Knoxville's OG Fort Sumter Jackson tossed aging LA vet DT Ed Norton around like a cat with a mouse and HB Leon Jackson found a way to dodge LA MLB Brad Pitt with a cutback. Leon cutback to the tune of 108 yards on the day, and 2 scores.

With the running game opening uncharacteristic holes in the Star Crunch, Thumbless Jackson took to the friendly skies. And Thumbless looked absolutely brilliant today. His accuracy and poise seem to have taken a step up from last year, and it showed as he found a way to get the ball quickly and on time to his two top-flite receivers, Jackson Jackson and Luke Jackson. (He had to get it there quickly, too, for LA DE Toby McGwire was breathing hard down Thumbless's neck) JJ and LJ made the most of their catches, breaking off a few big runs, and young FB Jarret Jackson picked up a few passes, and suddenly, Knoxville racked up a shocking 35 points on the Star Crunch.

Oh, in years past, that would have been the end of LA. But not anymore, baby. The champs got some bite!

Knoxville's DEs had no answer for the twin towers of O-tackle power, Matthew McConaughey and Freddie Prinze, Jr. HB Rodney Dangerfield ran off-tackle for 231 yards and 2 scores, galloping to a whopping 8.5 yards per rush average. QB Bernie Mac took advantage of the situation, tossing in TD scores to young Ashton Kucher and veteran Joe Pesci. Score for score, point for point, LA matched Knoxville's powerful punch, and at the end of regulation, the score was tied up, 35-35. Bring on the kickers!

Eli Manning and Little Val Kilmer are both solid kickers in this league, respected and capable. The battle between them today was just as fierce and nearly as close as the game that preceded it. The assignment: Bronco-bustin and bull-ridin'. Simply, each contender rode first a bucking bronco, and then a mad-as-hell bull. The kicker who held on the cumulative longest would win the contest. Additionally, if either kicker stayed on his animal for a full 8 seconds, he would get an additional .5 seconds added to his time.

LvK drew first up on the horse, and second on the bull. He rode the horse for 5.6 before kissin' mud.

KX kicker Eli Manning managed to hold on for 7.6, just missing the 8-second bonus, before landing in the cheap seats.

But Manning had to get right up again and ride the bull. Disadvantage? Perhaps. But Eli managed to hold on for 6.2 seconds.

Interesting note: 7.6 + 6.2 = 13.8
With a measly 5.6 on his first ride, LvK needed 8.3 seconds for the win. In other words, he needed the whole 8 seconds and the .5 bonus. Could he?

The gates opened, and LvK takes a hard knock, sending him a bit sideways at the 1.3 second mark!
He struggles to get fully upright and correct it...3 seconds goes by

The bull takes a wicked backwards jump, sending LvK right into it's neck...4.8 seconds

But LvK grabs hold of the bull's neck and jerks himself back upright...6.2 seconds

The bull responds with a high kick that sends Kilmer forward awfully far...7 seconds

Kilmer teeters, almost taking the horns in the kisser...

Boom! 8 seconds! The horn goes off....









and Kilmer is still on! He held on! Kilmer gets the 8 seconds and the .5 bonus!

Kilmer must have balls of steel, a hydraulic grip, and an ass of cotton fluff to pull off a stunt like that. LA wins, 38-35."

*****
Commish's recap
"LA gets an important win 'out of the gate' , but San Antonio takes a tough...fall. (Sorry, couldn't help myself).

Congratulations on breaking the streak, Cinci, and welcome to the win column.

Several key things pop out right away. 3 unstoppable forces: Albuquerque's offense, MW OLB Superman, and Portland's wide receivers. One of these might carry its team to a title.

But the San Antonio, Milwaukee, and Birmingham defenses will test any team's meddle, maybe even Albuquerque's.

Next week, Portland can dust Knoxville 2 back with a win, and we'll see Milwaukee try to take it to the champs. Great games early this season; don't miss the action!"

[Coffee Warlord]

Damn, I got a long ways to wait to see San Antonio's defensive line take on my brick wall O-Line.

Erik is already chomping at the bit.

[digamma]

Damn. Time keeper. I swear Eli was on the bull for the full 8 the first time. I demand a recount.

[DolphinFan1]

Take that Schlereth, you had us at 7-4 and SA at 10-1. Unless you had Milwaukee handing SA the one loss, they aren't going to win the title. We are!!!!!

[Marmel]

Little Val has done it again! Can he be the first kicker in the ZFL Hall of Fame?

Great game digamma.

[DolphinFan1]

Originally posted by Marmel
Little Val has done it again! Can he be the first kicker in the ZFL Hall of Fame?

Great game digamma.

No way. Bruce "I'll kick you butt" Handily is the only hall of fame kicker. No one can match up to him.

[digamma]

Good game, Marm. Two years in a row in OT.

[tucker342]

Good game Jeeber!

[JAG]

Interestingly, I heard Mark Schlereth on the radio today. He didn't even mention the ZFL once.

Nice win Milwaukee! A real shocking upset to start off the season.

[sachmo71]

KICKER!!!!!!!!!!

[JeeberD]

Originally posted by sachmo71
KICKER!!!!!!!!!!

So you wanna re-think that trade offer?

[Coffee Warlord]

Originally posted by DolphinFan1
Take that Schlereth, you had us at 7-4 and SA at 10-1. Unless you had Milwaukee handing SA the one loss, they aren't going to win the title. We are!!!!!

In the words of retired CB Kosh.

Incorrect.

[Katon]

Originally posted by sachmo71
KICKER!!!!!!!!!!

When was the last time San Antonio lost that wasn't Eater of Sandwiches' fault?

edited for spelling

[NevStar]

Originally posted by revrew

'Kid Gruesome' gunned 24-28-328 and 4 scores

Whoa. Amazing what a running game will do to your efficiency.

The best defense is a good offense.

[JeeberD]

El paso announces that they have traded 20 year old kicker Steve McLaughlin to San Antonio for their second round pick next year.

Sachmo will hopefully confirm shortly...

[JAG]

I wonder if he'll also announce the firing of his special teams coach.

[sachmo71]

Confirmed. No, the special teams coach isn't fired, but Eater of Sandwiches has been.

[Coffee Warlord]

Badadump.

Edit: By the by, did that good aging OLB ever get traded?

[digamma]

No. Shorty is playing hard ball while he rots away on the Sinsynatty bench.

[Coffee Warlord]

In that case...

Shorty, get your midget ass over here and PM me what you're looking for in a trade for homeboy.

[revrew]

Week 2 Results

"Both Little Rock (0-1) and El Paso (0-1) entered today's contest licking wounds from last week's losses.

Little Rock began last week with some spectacular running by HB Rajah Saleem, and they would get it again today. But the passing game didn't get much going as EP MLB Brian Bosworth dropped back into coverage and OLB Trev Alberts patrolled the flat. The message from JeeberD was simple, 'Throw long, or don't throw at all.' And though LR WR Bruce Spinner caught a couple of deep balls (4-155), none of them made it into the endzone. An EP Patrick Bates INT further reduced the Willie air attack, which generated only 7 first downs all afternoon.

To his credit, however, Rajah Saleem took what he could get, especially with the 'backers playing deep, and Rajah rushed 41 times for 198 yards and 3 scores.

For El Paso, however, last year's standout rookie OT Billy Milner stepped it up, and agaisnt the woeful Willie sencondary, EP QB Ryan Leaf had an outstanding day. WR Yatil Green grabbed 100 yards and a score, while Rae Carruth hauled in 150+ and 2. With punishing FB Rashaan Salaam forcing Little Rock to play honest, there was little the Willies could do to stop the onslaught. Salaam carried 14 times for 74 yards and capped off two back-breaking drives with TD plunges.

El Paso takes out their frustration on the Willies, 35-21."

*****
"An excellent game played today in Birmingham, between the Olympians (1-0) and the Chicago Eagles (0-1).

The game today came down to matchups, as each team quickly established what could and couldn't be accomplished. For Chicago's woeful wide receivers, BH Safety Odysseus and CB He's not JeeberD were nightmares. Atlantis and Another Atlantis further maligned the Eagle passing game, and CH QB Mike Marino had possibly his worst day ever under center.

But CH OG Tom Sanders showed big-time power, even over BH all-star DT Hera, and dominating FB Josh Hackenstein proved way too much for BH MLB Troy. Behind his wrecking ball blockers, Chicago HB Randy Steele dove forward for consistent positive gains. Like Rajah Saleem, Steele was the heart of the offense today, carrying the rock 35 times for nearing 200 yards.

Birmingham, however, has a punishing guard of their own, a man by the name of 'Another Troy' A.T. blew the Eagles' aging DTs out of the water, swept around and pancaked CH OLB Ray Brown, and gave BH HB Roman all the room to roam he wanted. Roman piled up the yards, a pair of scores himself, and even caught one to tie the game at 21 a piece at the end of the third.

In the fourth, a Chicago drive got stuffed on an Another Atlantis sack. Birmingham's answering drive made progress, but stalled when CH MLB 'El Capone' streaked past his fellow linebacker Ray Brown, and hauled down Roman just inches from the first down marker.

The Eagles responded with a long, grinding drive, only to fall just short as young BH DT Cyclopes shed the pansyweight CH OG Mark Sheet and stopped the Steele train again.

Not much time for the Olympians. ZR rolls out behind young OT Cronus, who shuts down CH DE The Answer, enabling ZR to hit WR Arnold Shwartzeneggar for a 27-yard gain. A screen to Roman nets another 13 before he steps out of bounds to stop the clock. A quick toss to Hercules and a timeout brings the Olympians within range, but without much time. (and, awww, shucks. They can't just send in a wimpy little man to to boot the ball and win it for them. Poor babies. They'll have to play REAL football and go for the TD.)

FB Hephaestus goes in motion...at the snap Roman streaks out to the opposite flat and Arnold runs an out and up for the endzone. Hercules is on a fly, but Deniable Cook was looking for it. El Capone obliterated Roman at the line, rather than following him into the flat, and everything short was shut down. Rookie DE Driven streaked around OT Atlas, and ZR has to step up to avoid the rush. The pocket's collapsing...he heaves it deep for Schwartzeneggar! Arnold goes up, rookie Safety Shut Down goes up...the coverage is perfect...they both have their hands on it...

...and Schwartzeneggar outmuscles him for the ball! He comes down in the endzone - touchdown! BH wins it, 28-21."

*****
"One must pity Fargo (0-1) welcoming the rolling Isotopes (1-0) of Albuquerque. Not even the cold of Fargo could cool off the sizzling Sizzlack.

Once again, the Albuquerque defense merely played containment while the offense went on a shooting spree. The highlights for Fargo include another solid game from young OG Ray, a good dat for for OT Stud, a solid game from FB Ty Wick, and a great game from HB Glutton for Punishment. Glutton topped 100 yards again, scored a pair, and Ty Wick added a third.

But 21 points proved a drop in the bucket against Albuquerque. While OG Goliath locked horns with Fargo's DT The Defense, the rest of AQ's line demolished Fargo's otherwise weak front 6. FB Drederick Tatum (hmmm...early OROY candidate?) took in one by ground and one by air. Guy InCognito took in two by ground and one by air. OT Ralph Wiggum gave Moe Sizzlack plenty of time to pick his targets and Sizzlack put up his second-straight 4 TD performance.

Once the Isotopes built their lead, a few big plays--including sacks from DE Strong Bad and OLB Kearney and an INT by Troy McClure--made sure Fargo wasn't comin' back. Albuquerque big, 49-21."

*****
"One might expect a big blowout in Cincinnati, too, as the 1-0 Chaps hosted the 0-1 Margaritas. But apparently, the Chaps are still riding a whole lot of confidence and enthusiasm. And apparently, the fact that they had a better record coming into today's game helped, too.

San Antonio took the first possession, settled in behind their solid line, and went...absolutely nowhere. 3 yards per carry. That's all Mutt could manage. Cinci's DT The Poopsmith and DE The Ugly One held fast. With Fluffy Puff and OLB Homsar filling the lanes, Mutt and Metalhead had nowhere to go. On top of it, CN DE Strong Mad looked both -- strong and mad -- as he terrorized SA rookie QB Dip Dipperson, pasting the rook for 3 sacks and several knockdowns.

There are very few weaknesses in the San Antonio offensive unit. There are also very few weaknesses in the Cinci defensive unit. It was nearly a stalemate.

But Cinci's offense got a whole lot of nowhere themselves, facing a Margarita Monster unit ready to do some damage. Though CN OT King O Town did a decent job on SA DE All Pro, the rest of the unit couldn't stop playmakers coming from every direction. No passing for the Chaps as DE Ray O. Light got a sack, and MLB Ray Lewis and DT Sack U each got 2. As for running...I don't think so. Bubs and Pom Pom ran into a brick wall.

The game progressed 0-0 until the fourth quarter. Ever so slowly throughout the third, San Antonio began to win field position. The Chap offense couldn't generate against that defense, and the Margarita offense chipped away slowly. A key pass completion came when wiley veteran WR Revrew out-maneuvered rookie safety It's Dot Com!, and shortly thereafter, HB Mutt was able to follow offensive guard Lone Star in for the score. It was the only score. San Antonio wins a surprisingly close one, 7-0."

*****
"After Milwaukee (1-0) knocked off San Antonio last week, the question is, could they take out LA (1-0) too? It's a brutal start of the schedule for the Muscle Men, but if they could win here, the next 4 weeks should be a cakewalk to 6-0. Then again, that's a big 'if'.

HB Ricky 'The Answer' Williams enjoyed a bit of softening in the LA defense as DT Ed Norton is getting older and the Stars are starting a rookie (Ron Howard) at the other DT spot. Behind a bruising FB Bulldozer, Ricky got some room to run.

But not much. LA MLB Brad Pitt quickly silenced anything that came up the middle, and DEs Robert DeNiro and Toby McGwire shut down the outside. Whatever went wrong in last week's Redneck thrashing, the Star Crunch corrected it. Perhaps it was because the Stars implemented several disguised loops, sending DeNiro and McGwire up the middle, past Milwaukee's weaker OGs and hammering MW QB Dan Marino, Jr. Marino took 5 sacks, several beatings, and 2 INTs as his receivers had no luck getting open against the suffocating LA secondarymen, Ray Liotta and Paul Sorvino.

But MW put up a defensive fight of their own. The increasingly frightening OLB Superman lurked in every dark shadow, tossing HB Rodney Dangerfield down and hauling down receivers from behind. The tackling machine garnered 16 drag-downs total on the day.

It was a big day of defense, but three big offensive plays decided the contest. In the second quarter, after a long drive, LA HB Rodney Dangerfield followed OT Freddie Prinze Jr. in for a 6-yard TD run. In the third quarter, Milwaukee's OT No Sacks Allowed sealed off Robert DeNiro, Bulldozer slammed into Brad Pitt, and Ricky Williams eluded LA OLB The Real Gus, scampering up the sideline 19 yards to the endzone. Also in the third, LA QB Bernie Mac found young WR Ashton Kucher on the game's only deep pass, 44 yards in the air for the TD as Kucher outraced safety Brock Marion.

In the fourth, it was back to defense. Brad Pitt forced a fumble on Milwaukee's final drive, Toby McGwire recovered it, and LA ran out the clock. Stars win, 14-7."

*****
"Portland (1-0) walked into Knoxville (0-1) after putting up huge numbers last week. They would need the same to do battle with the Rednecks.

From the early gun it was obvious that both defenses were outclassed in this contest. Knoxville's Deion Jackson and Portland's Master Hu Li are both outstanding young cornerbacks, but in this league, if the cornerback doesn't get help from a big pass rush and he has to play all alone against top flight receivers...Ya think Jackson Jackson and Manfred von Richthofen qualify as top flight?

Blood bath galore.

Portland's hope in this game rested in the hands of their dominating offense and the "Military Middle". Colonel McCormick and Captain Bipto fought World War I in the trenches against a pair of tanks - KX OGs Fort Sumter Jackson and Lee Davis Jackson. For the most part it was a wash. The middle of the field got torn up early as some of the best offensive lineman in football and some of the best DTs in football hammered each other. But a bit of sloppy play, especially in the linebacking corps, allowed today's runners to break off some big plays. If it weren't for the occasional turnover, the score of this one might have been 70-77.

Back and forth the battle raged. Leon Jackson sprints for a touchdown. Manfred von Richthofen's toes were in at the back of the endzone. JJ weaves for 7. Flamebeard springs Dirtpounder for 12 yards and a score.

Portland's Paddy O' put up 311 yards and 3 scores.
Thumbless put up 380 yards and 3.
Jackson Jackson had 172 and 1.
Manfred hauled in 123 and 2.
Luke Jackson caught 181 and 2.
Khan Ogadai caught 129 and 1.

You addin' it up?

Deion Jackson pulled down 2 INTs.
Master Hu Li pulled down 1.
Sectoid Commander recovered a fumble.

The difference came down to this:
Leon Jackson: 25 carries for 104 yards, a 4.16 ave, and 2 TDs.

Lothar Dirtpounder: 29 carries for 138 yards, a 4.76 ave, and 3 TDs.

That extra TD did it. Portland took the lead on that TD with 1:43 left to play, and the clock simply wound down on Knoxville. Portland wins, 42-35."

*****
Commish's recap
"Looking at preseason favorites, the Stars have knocked off Milwaukee and Knoxville. They're looking strong, especially if the defense doesn't lapse again into whatever happened in Tennessee.

Albuquerque is still on fire, and there may be a heckuva shootout next week in Portland. AQ is averaging 49 a game, Portland 42. Yowsa.

San Antonio, however, is looking vulnerable. Where's the offense? But don't get discouraged too quickly, Margarita fans. You've faced two very solid defenses, with only two more (Birmingham and LA) to go. After that, all you have to do is stop the oppontents' offenses - San Antonio's specialty -- and the Margarita offense should manage to score enough. The Margaritas are still very capable of going 10-1.

Next week? Big D again as LA visits Birmingham. Big O as Portland faces Albuquerque. And a big game as Knoxville faces Milwaukee. Could the Rednecks fall to 0-3? Yikes, brutal scheduling. On top of that, Cinci is playing at peak form right now, and Little Rock limps in, a prime candidate for the Chaps second ever win. Look for the Margaritas to recover the fire against old nemesis, Chicago, and Fargo needs to get back its season before its too late with a win over El Paso."

[The Afoci]

I thought I could turn Fargo around faster than I could. It seems like everytime I think something is going good, one of the old players retires or has his skill go way down or one of the up and comers gets injured.

[JeeberD]

Fargo will never beat El Paso! NEVER!!!!!!!!!!!

I hope...

[illinifan999]

Chicago = bad

[Coffee Warlord]

Run and Shoot lives in the ZFL!

[tucker342]

Good game illinifan! Your team is much improved this year

[sachmo71]

Our offense still won't turn many heads, but at least we have a better shot at coming out on top in a tie...

[revrew]

Week 3 Results

"Struggling Fargo (0-2) rolled into El Paso (1-1), hoping the former expansion team would prove a fallible opponent.

El Paso's poor defensive line seemed all too willing to comply. Behind the powerful young OG Ray, FG HB Glutton for Punishment poured on the yards. FB Ty Wick kept El Paso's "bash 'backers" at bay, springing Glutton for 150+ and 3 TDs on the day.

But El Paso's secondary wasn't as willing to roll over. Safety Patrick Bates hauled in a pair of INTs as he blanketed the aging FG WR Shane.

Meanwhile, the El Paso offense completely dominated, hogging most of the T.o.P. JeeberD's squad targeted Fargo's aging, declining linebackers with slants, screens, sweeps, and runs off tackle Billy Milner. Fargo's linebackers were worn down early and blown out late.

Ryan Leaf had an outstanding day - his highest ever completion percentage - as his speedy receivers Rae Carruth and Yatil Green hauled in a dozen catches each. FB Plowhorse Rashaan Salaam further beat and bruised Fargo's woeful 'backers, springing HB Ki-Jana Carter to grind it out on the ground.

The carnage was heavy, and the day was long for Fargo, who drop a gutbuster, 42-21."

*****
"The battle between old rivals San Antonio (1-1) and Chicago (0-2) saw the Margaritas gain back some of their old form. All run and a dominating defense makes for a bad day for the opposing squad.

Chicago tried to run the ball behind the wrecking crew, OG Tom Sanders and FB Josh Hackenstein, but the fast and powerful SA defense so terrorized the rest of the Chicago offense, that Randy Steele was bottled up.

DTs Aragorn and Sack U destroyed CH OG Mark Sheet, wrapping up Steele before he could bust through. DE All Pro burned everyone on the corner and dragged CH QB Mike 'Air' Marino down for a pair of sacks, caught Steele before he could hit the hole, and otherwise wreaked mayhem. An INT and 10 tackles for MLB Ray Lewis capped off a spectacular defensive day.

For the San Antonio offense, the M&M train got up and rolling as OGs Lone Star and Pancake demolished Chicago's pair of 35-year-old DTs. Mutt and Metalhead combined for 191 yards and 3 scores.

The Margarita passing game, however, struggled again. Eagle DE The Answer got around the end to garner 2.5 sacks, and opposite DE Driven pulled in 1.5. Rookie safety Shut Down showed why he is a man-to-man glove, blanketing the normally elusive Revrew and bringing in an INT. Young "Ell Capone" had his third straight outstanding day, pulling down 9 tackles and an INT of his own.

But Margarita mayhem on defense sealed the deal, as they pitch their third consecutive shutout in regulation. SA wins, 21-0."

*****
"Hopes ran high for Cincinnati (1-1), who faced a Little Rock team (0-2) still trying to get it's wings off the ground.

The Willies failed to get the wings up again. QB David Slinger faced a brutal pass rush as CN DE Strong Mad continues to impress. Strong Mad was so dominant, that the Willies had to send double teams. This freed DT The Poopsmith, other DE The Ugly One, and both linebackers too much room. Slinger will feel today's game, sacked 5 times and knocked down 13 times. The Willie passing game was held to fewer than 150 yards.

Cinci's passing game, however, tasted its first real measure of success as OT The King of Town kept the hounds at bay and CN rookie QB Mr. Shmallow found new favorite target, WR Homestar Runner for 189 yards and 2 scores.

The running game alos plowed ahead as OGs Stinkoman and young So and So plowed ahead, giving HB Bubs and FB Pom Pom room to eat up yardage.

Little Rock's Rajah Saleem busted a long, 52-yard TD scamper off tackle Keith Slapinski, but other than that was relatively quiet. A key sack by LR DE L.L.JeeberD on fourth down set up a short drive to get Saleem a second TD, but that would be all the scoring Little Rock would get.

When Strong Mad hit Slinger and forced the ball loose in the fourth, OLB Homsar picked it up and ran all the way back to the house, sealing the deal as Cinci picks up their second win in a dominant fashion, 35-14."

*****
"And now for some offense, as the 2-0 Portland Sea Biscuits took on the 2-0 Albuquerque Isotopes. As expected, the defenses were overmatched, even Portland's "Military Middle". It was all about scoring. Let the box score begin:

1st Quarter:
Lothar Dirtpounder follows Erik Flamebeard in for a 4-yard TD pass.

Following a PT DE Trodgdor the Burninator sack, Portland takes over on downs and Lothar follows OG Tim the Troll in for a 2-yard TD run.

AQ gets on the board with a 27-yard TD strike from Sizzlack to Quagmire. PT 14-7.

2nd Quarter:
AQ ties it when HB Guy Incognito follows OT Ralph 'Gig 'em' Wiggum off tackle and scores on a 21-yard run.

Portland takes the lead late when Paddy O' finds Manfred von Richthofen for 7 from 8 yards out. PT 21-14 at the half.

3rd Quarter:
AQ caps off a long drive as Wiggum again plows the way for Incognito to plunge in from less than a yard out.

Portland answers quickly when Manfred 'the manchild, the Red Baron' von Richthofen burns AQ CB Herschel 'Hey Hey' Krustofsky for a 61-yard TD streak.

Portland jumps up by two scores as the powerful guards Erik Flamebeard and Tim the Troll prove too much for the Isotope's line, and plow a way for Lothar to grab his third TD of the day.

4th Quarter:
AQ pulls within one as The Cheat puts a glorious move on rookie CB Master Hu Li and hauls in a 24-yard pass from Sizzlack.

Portland ups the ante to two late when Khan Ogadai burns Troy McClure (you don't hear that often) for a 19-yard TD.

AQ gets one last score when Quagmire hauls in the deep bomb and runs the rest of the way for a 59-yard TD.

Statistically, Lothar Dirtpounder put on a great show behind his dominating line, averaging 5.6 yards per carry to go with his 3 TDs. MLB Sectoid Commander hauled in a pile of tackles, and Trogdor the Burninator added a pair of sacks.

For Albuquerque...the defense didn't really show up today, but Sizzlack and Wiggum were brilliant.

Portland wins, 42-35."

*****
"We got a chance to see two of the best go head to head as LA (2-0) faced Birmingham (2-0).

Big days today from big-time players. Even though LA's ubertackles, Matthew McConaughey and Freddie Prinze Jr. did a fantastic job holding down BH DE duo Atlantis and Another Atlantis, the OGs couldn't handle DTs Hera and Cyclopes rushing up the middle. LA QB Bernie Mac had big, bad men in his face all day, and with Odysseus and He's not JeeberD patrolling the secondary, Mac struggled through 3 INTs and 4 sacks.

Birmingham's passing game fared little better as the OTs were no match for LA DEs Robert DeNiro and Toby McGwire. 'Spiderman' hammered Zeus Reloaded for 3 sacks of his own today, and DeNiro added 2 more. BH WR Arnold Scwartzeneggar received a brutal homecoming welcome as LA CB Paul Sorvino and safety star Ray Liotta beat up the muscular receiver like a couple of mafia hitmen.

The MVP of the game, however, was the feisty LA MLB Brad Pitt, who keyed in on BH OG monster Another Troy, waiting for Roman to follow him. Good move. Roman got smothered by Pitt, who added 17 tackles and a forced fumble to his yearly totals.

The game's only score came in the second quarter after a Toby McGwire sack on third down left Birmingham with a fourth and long deep in their own territory. The fourth down pass was batted away by Safety Ray Liotta, and LA was left with great field position. A completed pass to Ashton Kucher put the Stars in striking distance, and HB Rodney Dangerfield followed Freddie Prinze's big behind into the endzone. LA wins the battle of undefeated defensive powers, 7-0."

*****
"Finally, a big game in Knoxville as the oddly 0-2 Rednecks try to pull back in it against the defensively dominant Milwaukee Muscle Men (1-1).

The Milwaukee running game, so dominant last year but sputtering against SA and LA, fired up the engines again today. Knoxville's ancient, sad defensive line, anchored only by the young Josiah Jackson, gave up little resistance as MW HB Ricky Williams streaked through to a big game. Williams had 120 yards by halftime, and they were eating up way too much of the clock. Milwaukee led at the half, 14-7.

But in the second semester, the pass-happy Rednecks discovered a chink in Milwaukee's armor. Against the mighty OG Fort Sumter Jackson and his capable sidekick, OG Lee Davis Jackson, Milwuakee's DTs didn't stand a chance. So Knoxville turned to the run to beat up MW on the inside and force the everywhere-man, MW OLB Superman, to stay in the box. HB Leon Jackson began tearing holes in the middle, and consequently, Knoxville at last found a way to set up the pass.

By the fourth, Knoxville had climbed back into it with the run and play-action pass, the score knotted at 21.

Milwaukee's best chance of scoring in the fourth was thwarted when KX DT Josiah Jackson pressured MW QB Dan Marino Jr. into a bad pass and KX CB Deion Jackson made a spectacular, diving play to haul in the INT in the endzone.

A couple more possessions back and forth, and Knoxville stood knocking on the door with time winding down. Who other than Jackson Jackson to bring this one to a close as he put a drop-your-shorts move on MW CB Patrick Surtain and blew by the rangy youngster for the winning score.

Knoxville wins a close one, 28-21."

*****
Commish's recap
"We've had a big-time start to the season. Cinci got the easy part of their schedule and made the most of it. SA, LA, KX, PT, and MW have seen some of the stiffest competition they'll see all year. We're already getting a picture of how this year will pan out.

At 3-0, Portland and L.A. have established themselves as the big boys in the league. L.A. has beaten an offensive squad (KX), and a pair of defensive squads (BH and MW). The only question remains, what will happen when they face a well-balanced squad, like Portland?

The Sea Biscuits have thrown their offensive weight around early, but have yet to face a top-notch defense.

Knoxville has salvaged the season, and has gained an upper hand on Milwuakee. The Rednecks, though at 1-2 a bit of a dark horse for the title, are still big-time contenders for second place.

Meanwhile, San Antonio and Albuquerque sit at 2-1, and both teams are ready to jump on the table if PT or LA stumble. AQ's only loss coming to Portland, the Isotopes still look very strong, though one has to be concerned about the fact that San Antonio's Dip Dipperson has yet to throw a TD pass this season.

In week 4, we get a bit of a break from bigtime action, as most of the top squads face lesser teams. Be on the lookout, however, for El Paso to make a showing against Milwaukee and demonstrate where they belong in this league; and Portland finally gets that test when they face the Olympian D.

The other big news looming on the horizon...the trading deadline is fast approaching. San Antonio and Albuquerque have made some deals...will there be one more that sends a squad over the top? The clock is ticking..."

[Coffee Warlord]

Portland fears no Birmingham defense!

[The Afoci]

Number 1 pick, here I come baby!

[JeeberD]

Originally posted by JeeberD
Fargo will never beat El Paso! NEVER!!!!!!!!!!!

I love it when I'm right...

A matchup against my mentor is next. Should be an interesting game...

[NevStar]

Bah, congrats to CW for winning the "good offense, slightly less inadequate defense" award.

[digamma]

Back on the winning train. Woot. Woot. or is it, W00T?

[Coffee Warlord]

And Portland notes Lothar Dirtpounder of the Here and There now has 8 rushing touchdowns...in 3 games. Muah.

[sachmo71]

Whee!

[Marmel]

Originally posted by Coffee Warlord
And Portland notes Lothar Dirtpounder of the Here and There now has 8 rushing touchdowns...in 3 games. Muah.

That is only because Lothar Dirtpounder of the Here and There has not seen Tyler Durden yet.

See you in week 9.

[illinifan999]

Hahahaha! SA only scored 21 against us!

[Coffee Warlord]

Originally posted by Marmel
That is only because Lothar Dirtpounder of the Here and There has not seen Tyler Durden yet.

See you in week 9.

Tyler Durden is not a beautiful or unique snowflake.

Lothar is.

Lothar shall destroy you.