ZFL Season 5 begins!

[illinifan999]

I personally think that the Cinci/Chicago game should be televised as it will be the fight for the number one pick.

[Swaggs]

Swaggs' hair is starting to turn prematurely grey...

[revrew]

Originally posted by Marmel
I think LA's problem might be we peaked a year too early. The plan was to go undefeated this season, but since we had such a great year last year, we were stuck with a bad draft pick and did not really improve the team while others leapt over us. I was really counting on a middle first round pick this year.

I cannot complain, it is nioce to win more games then you lose. We came from the bottom of the league and do not taking any win for granted.

Astute and interesting observation. The way I've set up the draft, players impact suddenly and seriously. If your pick busts (see: Fargo, Portland) you fall hard, and if it breaks out (see: Birmingham's championship) you can make a sudden jump. Frankly, there is so much parity in the league in several ways (except the QB position. I keep thinking I should arbitrarily step in and overrule the Rook cards on that, but I have refrained thus far), that predicting teams' success (i.e. Schlereth) seems virtually impossible. I had NO IDEA San Antonio's D was going to be so awesome or that Moe Sizzlack was going to be so unstoppable. I had no idea how much aging could tear down a team (see: Chicago, L.A.'s slipping defense) once the ball really started rolling. And watch out, because guys in their late thirties will start plummeting hard, fast. Chicago is in a heap o' hurt for upcoming years.

I really thought L.A. would walk away with it easy this year, but they're staring up at a couple of solid ballclubs right now. We shall see...

[revrew]

Originally posted by Swaggs
Swaggs' hair is starting to turn prematurely grey...

Anybody who plays San Antonio's defense this year is going to go to an early grey. Keep scrapping, Swaggs. Draft busts and injury have hit you hard, but upward mobility is still very possible.

[tucker342]

wow, that game was too close for confort.....

Good game shorty

[revrew]

Week 5 Results:

"Week 5 begins with Portland (1-3) hosting El Paso (2-2) in a game likely to have draft implications, if nothing else.

El Paso began their drive testing Portland's run defense. But FB Rashaan Salaam found PT DT duo Colonel Joseph C. McCormick III and Captain Bipto to be a stone wall in the middle. With MLB Sectoid Commander playing a solid game, El Paso's ground attack sputtered.

For Portland, the young but stellar offensive line opened up huge holes. HBs Antonio De La Tonio and Ron Dayne punched through the line of scrimmage ... but rarely got much further. The Buster bashin' 'backer brothers, Brian Bosworth and Trev Alberts put the brakes on the Biscuit attack, and no Portland runner topped 6 yards on any single carry this afternoon.

While Portland's Ron Dayne did manage a TD score, the end result would be determined in the air. El Paso's QB Ryan Leaf found protection behind outstanding rookie, OT Billy Milner, and spread the ball well to WR Yatil Green (7-84), HB Ki-Jana Carter (6-45-1), and WR Rae 'I'm innocent!' Carruth (9-112-1).

But Portland's QB Paddy O' terrorized young EP CB Bryant Westbrook by hitting his two fantastic wideouts, Manfred von Richthofen and Khan Ogadai. ManChild Richthofen caught 13-159-1 while Ogadai hauled in 9-101-1.

The TD pass to Richthofen in the fourth proved the decisive score as Portland wins, 21-14."

*****
"In Little Rock, the struggling Willies (1-3) faced another of the league's best teams and best defenses in the Los Angeles Stars (3-1).

Unfortunately for the Willies, the Stars played like champions today, dominating in every aspect of the game. Little Rock's Rajah Saleem put up a score, and young DT Henry Blitzen played a fine game, bottling up the middle, but other than that, all the highlights belong to L.A.

No suprise that safety Ray Liotta, CB Paul Sorvino, and DE Toby McGwire put a stranglehold on Little Rock's passing game. And with Brad Pitt to keep Saleem in check, the L.A. defense was in top form.

But the big surprise was the Stars' increased offense, especially as the team learns to rely on their star bookends, OTs Matthew McConaughey and Freddie Prinze, Jr. Rookie HB Rodney Dangerfield found room to run off tackle, totalling an eye-popping 167 and 2 TDs. (The ZFL's more open running game and tendency toward allowing big runs of 15 yards or more is really catching on with football fans. Today's backs, Rajah Saleem and Rodney Dangerfield, are happy to provide that kind of entertainment.) And with the running game in full force, QB Bernie Mac enjoyed a second straight solid outing, tossing TD strikes to both rookie WR Ashton Kucher and WR Joe Pesci.

L.A. puts up another statement game, downing LR, 28-7."

*****
"The Milwaukee (2-2) vs. Fargo (1-3) matchup matched a big runner--Fargo's Glutton for Punishment--against more of the same, MW's Ricky Williams and FB Bulldozer.

Fargo's Glutton looked like a dog on a leash, strainging with the power to run free. But Fargo's aging O-line was not match for Milwaukee's linebacking corps (Zach Thomas and all-star Superman), who burst through any blocking scheme to collar the Crawfish's workhorse. Unfortunately for FG QB Killer, OT Harold "Slim" Stockwell looked like a revolving door against Milwaukee's star DE Rocky, who piled up 4 sacks all by his lonesome.

Milwaukee's game was a fair amount of same-old-same-old. Bulldozer up the middle for 6. Ricky off tackle for 7. Bulldozer for 5, Ricky for 4, Bulldozer for the first down. And good luck stopping them! Rookie QB Dan Marino, Jr. struggled a bit on the day, but still managed 200 yards.

In the end, the Muscle Men lived up to their name (at least in the running game), flexing it against Fargo, winning, 21-7."

*****
"Could the former champs (2-2 Birmingham) slow down Albuquerque (4-0) and the Sizzlack Express?

BH Safety Odyssues used his unusual speed to blanket the flashy AQ WR Quagmire, but BH CB Hades couldn't keep pace with the shifty WR The Cheat. Fearing Birmingham's fierce defensive ends, Atlantis and Another Atlantis, Sizzlack rifled the ball on short outs, slants, and buttonhooks to his favorite target. The Cheat hauled in 17 catches (a ZFL record), for 164 yards and 2 scores. Sizzlack to Cheat kept the drives alive, and AQ HB Guy Incognito drove for positive yards behind AQ's dominating OT Ralph 'Gig 'em' Wiggum. Wiggum played the best game of his career, manhandling Birmingham's dominant defensive line.

Birmingham took advantage of some weakness in Albuquerque's middle, driving HB Artemis behind OG studs Dionysus and Another Troy, but it wouldn't be enough to stop Sizzlack, The Cheat, and Wiggum. Albuquerque plays championship ball to beat Birmingham, 28-14."

*****
"Cinci (0-4) to take on the champs (the 0-4 Eagles). Somebody has to get a win, leaving the other as the last winless squad.

In the end, it was Cinci's weaknesses that cost them the game. DT Eh, Steve! and MLB Homeschool Winner were pushed aside like tissuepaper by the mighty CH OG Tom Sanders and FB Josh Hackenstein. With a huge hole in the middle, CH HB Randy Steele looked like last year's champ, tearing it open for 179 yards and 4, count 'em, 4 TDs.

Cinci's OGs Stinkoman and rookie So and So, however, dished out some damage themselves against Chicago's ancient defense, allowing HB Bubs and FB Pom Pom to pour in 3 TDs of their own. But Cinci QB James Earl Jones tossed a pair of INTs, and the defensive holes proved too costly. Shore up those holes, and it might have been a different game. But as it is, Chicago takes it, 35-21."

*****
"And speaking of lasts, with Knoxville (4-0) in Margaritaville (4-0), the winner would join Albuquerque as the last of the undefeateds. The loser would get to join L.A. in the hunter's bracket.

The game itself was one for the ages. San Antonio broke out the M&M boys, determined to keep the ball away from the dangerous Redneck offense. The Margarita defense (who had yet to give up a point) played a solid, bend but don't break scheme that relied on MLB Ray Lewis to control the damage.

For Knoxville, the strategy was to attack the rookies and youngsters. DT Aragorn and DE Ray O. Light were subjected to heavy blows from OG Fort Sumter Jackson and FB Samuel Jackson. With an established ground game, Knoxville hoped to fool young SA safety Godzilla Blitz with play action. Would this be the strategy to knock off the Margarita D?

San Antonio's plan worked well as FB Metalhead blew up KX MLB Tucker Jackson, allowing HB Mutt to pick up the yards. Mutt topped 100 on the day and punched in 3 scores.

But Knoxville's DT Josiah Jackson also targeted a youngster, SA OG Pancake. The middle pressure kept QB Handoff King from seeing a clear lane, and an INT by rookie CB Dieon Jackson put the brakes on the Margarita air attack.

In the second quarter, the Margarita defense was finally broken. After pounding on the ground for several first downs, KX WR Jackson Jackson got behind SA CB Deflector and hauled in the TD.

JJ got another TD in the third, and HB Leon Jackson spun free from SA OLB Quick n' Mean's grasp, adding a third TD in the fourth.

At the gun, it was 21-21. Bring on the kickers! San Antonio's Eater of Sandwiches sat down with a transparent green visor to glare at Knoxville's Eli Manning for a game of blackjack. Cameras installed under the table looking up through plated glass gave the audience full view of the cards as a ZFL referee played house-rule, 17-hold, and each kicker was given $100 in a $5 ante, 12-minute overtime game of blackjack. Winner was the one with the most dough, or last to go broke.

Eli Manning has won a pair of overtimes for Knoxville this season, and he started out strong when he split a pair of Kings and came down with one winner and a blackjack. But a couple of busts around the 10-minute mark left him reeling. Eater of Sandwiches, at the 11:15 mark, doubled a $25 bet on a held 12, drew an 8, and made good with 20. On the last hand, with Eater at $115 and Manning at $125, bets were placed. Manning wagered $5, looking to preserve a win. But the crowd gasped as Eater put down the whole $115 in an all-or-nothing move to take the game. Eli drew to a held 20. Eater drew to a held 18. If the dealer drew to a held 17 or busted, Eater would win. Anything else, and it's Eli's game. The dealer had a Queen exposed. He turned over a 4. The crowd first buzzed, then hushed, as the ZFL official drew a card. He turned it over...and the crowd goes nuts! He drew a ..."

[Marmel]

Ha. Suck it Swaggs. I just kicked your ass. Again. Does it ever get tiring for you in the ZFL or the JBL?

[digamma]

Pure evil. I think I'm 1-1 in these revrew string-alongs.
But Eli is 2-0 in OT this season.
My bet is on the bust.

[DolphinFan1]

Three in a row. Woo Woo!!

Revrew, you know people hate it when you leave the game up in the air like that.

[JeeberD]

Thre in a row. Damn....

I guess I was just getting my hopes too high after my fast start. The Busters certainly do need a few more pieces of the puzzle before we become consistanly good...

[revrew]

Originally posted by revrew
If the dealer drew to a held 17 or busted, Eater would win. Anything else, and it's Eli's game. The dealer had a Queen exposed. He turned over a 4. The crowd first buzzed, then hushed, as the ZFL official drew a card. He turned it over...and the crowd goes nuts! He drew a ..."

"10! He drew a 10! The dealer busts, so both Eater and Eli win their hands, Eli for a total of $130, but thanks to his gutsy move, Eater of Sandwiches brings home $230! San Antonio remains undefeated, taking the game, 24-21!"

*****
Commish's recap
"Big wins this week for Albuquerque and L.A., but especially big for San Antonio! Personally, I thought Eli Manning was the favorite, but Eater of Sandwiches pulls off the upset. Guts and glory fot the Sandwich man.

Chicago got their first win -- over an expansion team, yeeha. Are the Eagles really that bad? First to nearly worst? We might find out next week when the Eagles face another expansion squad, the upstart El Paso Busters.

And speaking of next week...Portland vs. Milwaukee on FOX - one of the ZFL's original rivalries. But on ESPN, get buckled for what some are calling this year's championship bout in only week 6 of the season! Undefeated San Antonio and the killer D vs. soon-to-be MVP Moe Sizzlack and the red hot Isotopes! Only one undefeated team will be left standing after next week. Which will it be?

The best matchup up the year may be just around the corner!"

[sachmo71]

My...heart...GASP!

I was hoping that I didn't have to rely on Eater of Sandwiches too much this year. He's getting old. Way to go! Great game!

[NevStar]

Originally posted by revrew

and made good with 20. On the last hand, with Eater at $115 and Manning at $125, bets were placed. Manning wagered $5, looking to preserve a win. But the crowd gasped as Eater put down the whole $115 in an all-or-nothing move to take the game.

Apparently, Eli didn't read Quiksand's Jeopardy strategy thread from a few months ago.

San Antonio is going down!

[digamma]

That is what I was thinking, NevStar. We need to send Eli to a gambling or game theory class one, but he's won two for us this season, so I can't complain too much.

[revrew]

Actually, all of those gambling theories in regards to Jeopardy don't apply exactly here. They's still be wise, and Eli probably should have followed them, but the possibility of a "push" and a dealer "blackjack" is different from Jeopardy.

With his betting strategy, he's protected from losing (even with a losing hand) in the cases of: Eater losing, dealer blackjack, or Eater pushing.

The only scenario where he loses out is Eater winning.

IF you figure the odds of Eater losing are 50%, Eli protected himself against better than 50% of the possible outcomes. Unfortunately, Eater beat the odds.

(But either way, I was making all the crap up anyways. The fact is, Eater of Sandwiches needed to draw a number smaller than 5 in the Rook cards, and he drew a 2. Eater wins).

[digamma]

I was just giving you a hard time rev. I know its all in the Rook cards.
And I know I appreciate the added flavor of the overtime descriptions. You've had to work overtime, yourself, this year to come up with the different contests.

[tucker342]

Good game Albuquerque!

you guys are really good this year

[tucker342]

dola-

Marm, is that WR that was on your trade block still available? If he is, what positions do you need?

[revrew]

digamma - Thanks for the affirmation. I've been shocked how much work this ZFL thing is, and it's good to hear a little luv.

Tuck - Trading deadline is past, but keep it in mind for the offseason.

Hopefully, the amazing week 6 up later today.

[JAG]

Take some more love rev. This dynasty is a great read...and nothing is more humorous than the overtime competitions.

[Marmel]

We all luv you rev. If you need some help with this, I would be happy to 'sim' all of LA and Little Rock's games for you.

[revrew]

Week 6 Results:

"Week 6 was exciting where it was supposed to be exciting, and boring where it was supposed to be boring. Let's start with the latter.

Knoxville (4-1), always one of the league's top offenses, got the chance to tee off against Little Rock (1-4), perpetually one of the leagues worst defenses. At the same time, the league's best runningback, LR's Rajah Saleem, got to tee off against Knoxville's less-than-spectacular defense.

Little Rock's stratege was simple - run the ball to keep it away from Knoxville, and mix it up with the occasional playaction. The running worked, to the tune of 145 and 3 for Rajah. But many of those runs were long runs, and Little Rock couldn't hold the ball long enough to give their battered defense a rest. Meanwhile, Knoxville rookie CB Deion Jackson added another INT to his total, and the Little Rock passing game sputtered.

Knoxville's plan was to throw slants, screens, and flats to play to Little Rock's weak linebackers and secondary. They weren't going to give LR DE L.L. JeeberD or DT Henry Blitzen a chance to crush their star QB, 'Thumbless' Jackson.

It worked to perfection. 'Thumbless' completed a ZFL-record 45 passes for 410 yards and 3 scores. The pressure on the outside permitted some running as well, and the Jack-backs (is it okey to still use that term after Robby 'Action' Jackson retired?) punched in 3 more.

Knoxville pummels the outmatched Willies, 42-21."

*****
"Blowout number 2 came in Birmingham, where the former champs (2-3) lit it up against the visiting Fargo Fighting Crawfish (1-4).

Birmingham jumped out to a big lead early as BH QB Zeus 'ZR' Reloaded and his favorite aging target, WR Revrew took advantage of Fargo's young, mediocre secondary. Revrew caught 100 yards and 2 TDs in the first half as Birmingham jumped out to a 28-0 lead at the half.

A pair of fumbled caused on sacks by Atlantis and Another Atlantis kept Fargo in the hole early.

In the second half, Fargo QB Killer found veteran target Shane too much for BH CB Hades, and several deep strikes set up a pair of FB Ty Wick TD plunches. But it proved too little too late as 'ZR' throws for 300 and 3, and the Olympians win, 35-14."

*****
"Blowout number 3 comes as an expansion team takes several old-timer bully punches. Cincinnati (0-5) couldn't take the suddenly offensive onslaught of the L.A. Stars (4-1), who are battling to be considered the most fearsome squad in the ZFL.

Cinci managed an early TD run as HB Bubs followed rookie behemoth, OG So and So into the endzone. But after that, it would be all L.A.

2 sacks for LA DE Toby McGwire, 2 INTS for LA safety Ray Liotta, 12 tackles by LA MLB Brad Pitt, 2 TD passes caught by veteran WR Joe Pesci, 2 TDs by rookie HB Rodney Dangerfield, and L.A. puts up big numbers for the third week in a row. LA, 35-7."

*****
"Blowout number 4 also came in an expansion team game, but it happened in reverse. How far have the defending champs fallen? The 1-4 Eagles got trounced by a second year expansion franchise, the 2-3 El Paso Busters.

Chicago managed to move the ball some, but turnovers and an unstoppable offensive Buster squad put this game into the books early. Buster DEs Aundray Bruce and Eddie Lee Washington put the hurtin on CH QB Mike Marino, and El Paso safety Patrick Bates continued his outstanding year by pulling down yet another INT.

Meanwhile, rookie OT Billy Milner continued his bid for OROY by protecting Ryan Leaf, who tossed out a trio of TDs and set up a trio on the ground. Behind young, powerful FB Rashaan Salaam, EP HB Ki-Jana Carter put up his first 3 TD game, and the Busters were all over the Eagles. El Paso 42-21."

*****
"Our other games, however, came down to the wire, especially in Portland, where the 2-3 Sea Biscuits hosted old rival, the Milwaukee Muscle Men (3-2).

Milwaukee attempted (as always) to outmuscle the opponents, but Portland's DT duo, Colonel Joseph and Captain Bipto, gummed up the middle. MLB Sectoid Commander played another fine game, and the Milwaukee offense couldn't grind out the overwhelming number of 1st downs that they're accustomed to.

Portland's offense, meanwhile, though they didn't put up many points, put up big numbers driving Milwaukee back into their own territory again and again. Driving up the middle behind OGs Erik Flamebeard and Tim the Troll, Antonio De La Tonio accumulated 85 yards and a score.

PT QB Paddy O'Leary discovered WR ManChild Richthofen even more electric than MW standout rookie CB Patrick Surtain, and the Paddy O to Richthofen combination poured in 156 yards. With Milwaukee leading 14-7 late in the game, Paddy O generated another long drive, and this time capped it off with a TD to WR Khan Ogadai. At the buzzer, 14-14. Bring on the kickers!

PT kicker Bob Sunesson would get his first shot against the seemingly invincible Bruce 'I'll kick your butt' Handily in a classic car drag race best of 3 down the interstate outside of Portland. Each racer was allowed to choose from among 5 classic cars for a hot quarter mile.

In race one, Sunesson chose a GTO and Bruce chose the Mustang. In a photo finish, Bruce picks up the first win, and Bob's behind the 8-ball. In race two, Bruce chooses the 'Vette, but Bob goes out on a limb and takes the unusual TRV. In a shocker, the TRV blows the 'Vette away, and we're down to the final race. In the final, Bruce chooses the '57 Chevy, and Bob continues his unusual choices by taking the old Jaguar. In a dead heat the two streaked toward the line, but the Chevy sputtered a bit at the end, and Jag sailed through the line smooth and clean. Call it beginner's luck, but Bruce Handily loses to young Bob Sunesson and Portland takes the game, 17-14."

*****
"And now, the big game. And you better believe it was close. The last two undefeateds, San Antonio and Albuqerque squared off to determine the frontrunner for the ZFL title.

There was no surprise as AQ HB Guy Incognito found it difficult to run against the Margarita monsters. Young DT Aragorn and DE All Pro put the brakes on almost ever Incognito run.

But since when did Albuquerque ever need to run to win a game? San Antonio does have a few weaknesses, especially at CB and OLB. AQ QB Moe Sizzlack found the weaknesses and exploited them mercilessly. Protected by OT Ralph 'Gig'em' Wiggum, Sizzlack hit WR The Cheat on the mid-routes and HB Guy Incognito in the flat for bigger numbers than San Antonio's given up all year.

But SA MLB Ray Lewis seemed everywhere on the field, pulling down receivers from behind, wrapping up runners in the backfield, and swatting away passes that could have left the game out of control. His presence allowed San Antonio to continue their patient, grueling running game. With only a few minutes remaining, HB Mutt punched in the score that tied things up, 21-21.

On what was sure to be their last possession, Albuqeuerque handed the ball away to Incognito, who picked up 12 behind Ralph Wiggum. On the next play, they tried the play action to Incognito to go to the air. But SA DT Sack U blew past AQ OG Clancy Wiggum, and destroyed Incognito. As Sizzlack turned out of the fake handoff to survey his receivers, he was crushed by a blitzing SA MLB Ray Lewis. The ball popped wildly into the air and Sizzlack crumpled to the ground, only to be snatched from the firmament by SA DE All Pro, who had been pushed to the outside. All Pro turned on the jets, and nobody could catch the speedy end. All Pro shakes a little bacon in the endzone as San Antonio wins, fittingly by a defensive TD, 28-21."

*****
Commish's recap
Hats of to San Antonio! With a win over AQ and a win over KX, the Margaritas are clearly in the driver's seat.

But wait a minute. They do have LA in week 9. I mean, if LA could win there....oh, goody, goody. We got some fun comin' now!

And O, how the mighty have fallen! Chicago looks like they may need reservations in the old folks home before this season is over. GM illinifan won the title last year, but it looks like he has mortgaged the team's future to do it.

Beyond halfway now. Who's leading for MVP? Sizzlack? Or how about SA MLB Ray Lewis? DROY? Try SA DT Aragorn. Or perhaps KX CB Deion Jackson?

Next week, Portland vs. Chicago should be a good one. But most of the eyes are on KX/AQ, where the winner will stay in the hunt, and the loser may have to settle for third at best."

[illinifan999]

Number 2! Number 2! Number 2! Number 2! Number 2! Number 2! Number 2! Number 2! Number 2! Number 2! Number 2! Number 2! Number 2! Number 2! Number 2! Number 2! Number 2! Number 2!

Pick! I've always wondered what it would be like to pick early without trading for it. Stupid old, good for nothin......I mean......I said what I said.

[Marmel]

Still.Alive.

[illinifan999]

<---------Dead

[korme]

<--------Been Dead

[NAIWF]

I love seeing Chicago lose badly. Yay Busters

[sachmo71]

Wow. I was expecting to be dead by now.

[JeeberD]

Thanks for breaking my losing streak, illinifan...

[JeeberD]

Originally posted by NAIWF
I love seeing Chicago lose badly. Yay Busters

Dola-



Glad to make the fans happy...

[NevStar]

Bah! Congrats to San Antonio. The Isotopes are the Colts of the ZFL.

[Swaggs]

Good work, Rev...

Poor work, Slick Willies...

[revrew]

Week 7 Results:

"Week 7 begins in Cincinnati, where the 0-6 Chaps are killing time until they can draft again with the #1 spot. Don't be surprised if a couple of years of drafting at the top doesn't send the Chaps up the ladder quickly. But until then...3-3 Milwaukee pulled up the banquet table to feast on the Chaps.

At the start of the game, however, it looked like Cinci was going to put up a fight. Milwaukee's blah DT duo, Godzilla and Sampson were clearly no match for CN OGs Stinkoman and So and So. Thougth Milwaukee's linebackers slowed down the works, Cinci opened the game with an 80-yard drive, topped off with a HB Bubs TD plunge.

Milwaukee then turned the ball over as CN CB The Blacksmith picked off a MW QB Dan Marino, Jr. pass. This time, CN FB Pom Pom followed OG Stinkoman in for the TD, and Cinci built a 14-0 lead.

But that was the end for the chaps. Milwaukee's Ricky 'The Answer' Williams streaked a 64-yard TD run, and the tide turned.

A MW DE Rocky sack slowed down the Chaps, and MW ate up the clock with their usual punishing ground attack. Cinci barely had any time to hold the ball the rest of the game as Bulldozer and Ricky Williams combined for 298 yards rushing and 4 TDs. Milwaukee, 28-14."

*****
"While we're talking expansion clubs, let's move to El Paso, where the 3-3 Busters take on intrastate rivals, the undefeated San Antonio Margaritas. Who's got the D, now?

Give it up to San Antonio, who shut the lights out in El Paso. EP OT Gustav Gustavson had no answer for SA DE Ray O. Light, and WR Yatil Green got completely shut down by SA safety Godzilla Blitz. With half the offense taken away, and the other half playing against men-among-boys like DE All Pro and MLB Ray Lewis, the formerly potent El Paso O looked desperately impotent.

The San Antonio offense, however, showed some struggles of their own as EP DE Aundray Bruce logged a couple of sacks and Safety Patrick Bates took in an INT. San Antonio's M&M boys didn't find the usual cushy middle, as DT Danny Noonan and MLB Brian Bosworth bottled things up inside.

In the end, however, El Paso gave up too much field position as the offense sputtered again and again. Mutt and Metalhead each punched in a score, and it would be all San Antonio needed. SA, 14-0."

*****
"And speaking of shutouts, pity poor Fargo (1-5), who ran into a buzz-saw in the red-hot L.A. Stars (5-1). In the last 3 games, L.A. has outscored their opponents 91-14, and the trend continued.

Fargo often relies on FB Ty Wick to make the hole for HB Glutton for Punishment, but LA MLB Brad Pitt shed Wick like water off a duck's back, and the Pitt-bull showed shades of last year, piling up 18 tackles. Then Fargo went to Glutton off-tackle Stud, but LA DE Toby McGwire kept containment, and Brad Pitt finished things off on the outside, too.

Meanwhile, the LA offense poured on the yards and ate up the clock. QB Bernie Mac had his fourth great showing in a row, completing 72% of his passes and tossing 2 TDs. Rookie HB Rodney Dangerfield knocked in two more scores, and LA rolls easily, 28-0. Thus, in 4 games, LA has outscored their opponents by over 100 points!"

*****
"So far Little Rock (1-5) has struggled, beating only Cinci, even though Rajah Saleem has excelled. It looked like trouble again for the Willies as they faced Birmingham (3-3).

Behind their solid offensive line, Birmingham's Artemis broke through and tore up Little Rock's weak linebacking corps. On the day, Artemis rushed for 101 and 2 TDs. In the first quarter, it appeared that the passing game would open up as well, as BH QB Zeus Reloaded hit WR Revrew on a 5-yard slant turned 24-yard TD.

But in the second, young LR DT Henry Blitzen discovered how to use his speed against ancient BH OG Dionysus. Blitzen recorded 2 sacks and 2 tackled for a loss in the second quarter alone.

When LR DE L.L.JeeerD started to pressure 'ZR' further, Birmingham was limited to the run.

The inability to stretch out big yardage put Rajah Saleem entirely too close to the endzone. Though Birmingham's stellar defensive line put the brakes on Rajah putting up the usually spectacular yardage, they couldn't keep him out of the endzone.

A brilliant block by veteran WR Stuart Rembert freed Rajah to get around the corner one last time, and at the end of 4, the score was tied, 21-21. Bring on the kickers!

Rookie Olympian Uranus got his first taste of action against the league's oldest kicker, Little Rock's Mr. Ed. The competition: tug-of-war. But not just between the kickers. Each kicker was given 10 minutes to run through the stands and select as many as 5 men and 5 women to join them on the line, in a tug-of-war for all the marbles.

Uranus made a good find in pulling out a 300-lb man out of the 3rd row, but his eye for the ladies was a litte more guided by beauty than by brawn. Mr. Ed came to the line with 5 women that looked like they came right out of a steel mill, and the contest was on!

Uranus' anchor made it a tough line to pull, but in the end, Mr. Ed's eye for the big, bad mommas moved the mountain. Uranus got yanked (don't say that too fast), and Little Rock pulls (literally) the upset, 24-21."

*****
"Could the Windy City Eagles (1-5) regain some form in the rainy city? Or would Portland (3-3) make it 3 in a row?

Throughout the game, the ZFL's best pulling guard, Tom Sanders, paved the way for FB Josh Hackenstein and Randy Steele to get outside and get down the field in a quick hurry. PT OLB Zoinks McAllister got caught out of position more often than a boxer's nose as Randy Steele put up 133 yards and 3 scores on the day.

But there were other problems afoot. Not even Tom Sanders could punch a hole in Portland's "Military Middle." DTs Colonel Joseph and Captain Bipto, backed up by Sectoid Commander, put up a brick wall. Chicago was stopped on no fewer than five 4th and shorts, allowing Portland's offense to go to work.

The Sea Biscuits made a mockery of the once-great Chicago D, as WR Manfred von Richtofen caught 2 TDs and ran for a 3rd. The ManChild made Deniable Cook look just silly, and aging Chicago star, safety Ajimba Haad, was no match for young Khan Ogadai. Portland's Paddy O' put up 327 yards as Portland puts away the Eagles, 35-21."

*****
"Knoxville: 5-1
Albuquerque: 5-1
The Winner: Still in it.
The Loser: On the outside looking in.
The defenses in this game: Nonexistent.

A big star in this game was Knoxville's WR Jackson 'JJ' Jackson. The ZFL's all-time leading receiver absolutely lit up AQ CB Herschel 'Hey Hey' Krustofsky, catching 15-201-3. Meanwhile, HB Leon Jackson followed OG Fort Sumter for consistent gains all afternoon.

For Albuquerque, Sizzlack found favorite WR The Cheat fairly well blanketed by young KX CB Deion Jackson, but not so homerun hitter, WR Quagmire. The 'Q' only caught 6 passes, but they were for 182 yards and 2 scores. HB Guy Incognito alos caught a score and ran a score, pushing AQ up to 28.

But while the Isotopes thrived on the big play, Knoxville kept consistent pressure on and nearly doubled Albuquerque's total first downs. Bending, bending, bending the reed finally caused it to break, and in the fourth quarter, with the score tied at 28, Albuquerque couldn't stop Knoxville from marching 83 yards for the winning TD. KX, 35-28."

*****
Commish's recap:
"San Antonio continues to roll, but can anyone slow down the L.A. freight train? L.A. vs. San Antonio in week 9. But first, week 8. Might El Paso catch LA looking ahead to the following week?

We've got 4 teams bunched at the top, 4 in the middle at 3-4 or 4-3, and 4 fighting at the bottom. The ZFL seems to be in a clear caste system this year. Don't look for that to change next week as the top tier takes on the bottom.

Good games next week? Fox is broadcasting Little Rock vs. Fargo, and ESPN has MW vs. BH. Still...I wonder if LA will keep it up against the Busters?"

[tucker342]

wow.... I think I'm going to puke....

Good game LR, you earned the win....

[JeeberD]

I was impotent...

[Swaggs]

Amazing! Mr. Ed finally comes through!

[revrew]

Originally posted by JeeberD
I was impotent...

No, just your offense was.

And now you've got to face L.A. next.

Ring...ring..
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this Rafael Palmeiro?"
"Yes."
"Would you consider playing for the El Paso Busters?"

[digamma]

Big win for the Necks!

We're going to be the biggest anti-Margarita fans the rest of the way, since even we pretty much need them to lose two because we're going to lose any sort of tie-breaker with them head to head and defensive points allowed.

[revrew]

Week 8 Results:

"Los Angeles (6-1) and El Paso (3-4) are two teams known for defense, but whose offenses have snuck up and surprised people this season.

Unfortunately for the Busters, they faced the unquestionably hottest team in the ZFL, and the Star Crunch kept up the heat. Not even OROY candidate EP OT Billy Milner could keep the hounds at bay as EP QB Ryan Leaf was tormented by LA DEs Robert DeNiro and Toby McGwire. With DT Ed Norton and MLB Brad Pitt applying pressure up the middle as well, Leaf got grass-stained 6 times. A safety Ray Liotta INT further buried the Buster passing game.

And though the Buster defense put up a fight, great field position allowed LA to get into the endzone--something El Paso never had the opportunity to accomplish.

LA got a pair of scores from HB Rodney Dangerfield, and one from WR Ashton Kucher. L.A.s rookies put up all the numbers as the Stars blank the Busters, 21-0."

****
"And speaking of blanking, the mighty Margaritas (7-0) were completely frustrated in a game for the ages when they visited Portland (4-3), still sizzling on a 3-game winning streak.

The Portland fire came raining down in the form of a dominating offensive line. Behind Erik "Flame"beard, aging HB Antonio De La Tonio picked up first down after first down. San Antonio's MLB Ray Lewis absolutely denied any big runs, but he couldn't stop Antonio from getting the few he needed behind a big push from Flamebeard, Tim the Troll, Lothar Richthofen, and Leonardo Ruiz Al Elvaro. The Portland O-line made a bid to get voted into the ProBowl as a unit, grinding out first down after first down over the vaulted San Antonio defense.

SA CB Deflector struggled with the elusive PT WR Manfred von Richthofen, as ManfChild hauled in his own collection of first downs.

But inside the redzone, when it came time to finish off the drive, San Antonio's killerD put up a brick wall again and again. Yet starting almost every drive from inside their own 20, many inside their own 5, really pinned the Margaritas. Down deep, they tried finding breathing room by plunging ahead, but PT DT duo Colonel Joseph and Captain Bipto put the brakes on. San Antonio spent almost all day on their own side of the 50.

Going into the 4th quarter, the score was knotted at 0-0, as each team failed to push the other across the plane. When Portland rookie OLB Zoinks McAllister streaked in to wrap up HB Mutt on 4th and 2, Portland got one last chance to steal the huge upset win.

A Paddy O' pass to Richthofen gave the Biscuits good field position, but with very little time left. An Antonio plunge got shut down by SA DT Sack U. A pass to Khan Ogadai got swatted away by safety Godzilla Blitz. Paddy O' tried sneaking it in, but MLB Ray Lewis read the play and dove over the pile to blast O'Leary. With time left for only one last play and a chance to put San Antonio away, Antonio De La Tonio ran the counter off-tackle. But SA DE All Pro refused to be fooled, kept containment, and stopped the play inches short. 0-0. Bring on the kickers!

PT rookie Bob Sunesson pulled the giant upset against Milwaukee's Bruce Handily just a couple of weeks ago. Could he help his team pull the upset by knocking off seasoned vet, SA kicker Eater of Sandwiches?

On the Jumbotron, fans watched as Bob and Eater squared off in an X-box, NCAA 2003 overtime matchup! The game was set up so that each team played with...the University of Iowa. Just like college ball overtimews, each kicker was given the ball and the chance to outscore the opponent. How many overtimes would it take??

In the first overtime, Eater started with a TD scramble by Iowa QB Brad Banks, but Bob followed with a TD pass.

In the second overtime, Bob had to settle for a Nate Kaeding field goal, but also showed his prowess on defense by holding Eater to the same.

The third overtime would be decisive. The 36-year-old Eater of Sandwiches showed a bit of age, accidentally pushing the wrong button on 3rd and goal from the 5, and the result was a sack. Another Nate Kaeding field goal for Eater.

On his possession, Bob drove well, but a holding penalty set him back. Still, he managed to drive to the goal line. On 4th and goal from the 2, what do you do? Hit the field goal and go for a 4th overtime? Or risk it all with 2 yards to go?

What do you think, ZFL fans and GMs? What should Bob have done?"

[Marmel]

GO GO GO GO GO GO GO !

[sachmo71]

Play the percentages and go for the FG!

[NAIWF]

FG's are for sissies, go for it!

[Coffee Warlord]

Bob does not go for the field goal. Bob goes for it!

[korme]

Bob goes, and misses.

[JeeberD]

Go for it!!!

[DolphinFan1]

Go for it.

Hi Jeeber. Been really busy. Look for update on FOFC Wrestling tomorrow.

Now back to your regularly scheduled program.

[JeeberD]

Sweet. I'll be looking forward to it...

[revrew]

Originally posted by Coffee Warlord
Bob does not go for the field goal. Bob goes for it!

"Portland GM, Coffee Warlord, says 'Go', so the young rookie, wanting to live up to his boss's spirit, sits #95 down and gives the ball to #8. Electronic Brad Banks, it's up to you now.

The Iowa offense approaches the line in a double tight end, strong side left, I-formation. The Iowa defense (in the white jerseys) crowds the line for a goalline stand.

On the snap, both I-backs run left and the whole line shifts. Brad Banks turns to pitch the ball left on a sweep. The linebackers read it and begin rolling to their right.

But then Banks pulls the ball back! It's a fake sweep, naked bootleg right! Banks turns and runs out into space. But the Hawkeye defensive end in white holds his assignment, fights off the tight end, and races out to hold containment.

Banks runs, but the defensive end is closing in...the endzone is cut off...Banks backpedals...

And #44, tight end star Dallas Clark has cut across the field from the left side! Against the grain, he's left the linebackers in the dust and is wide open on the right side of the endzone! Banks lofts the ball over the charging defensive end's head...TOUCHDOWN! TOUCHDOWN! Brad Banks to Dallas Clark for the win!

Bob Sunesson gets his second upset overtime victory of the year! (Sounds like Capital City Goofball from last season) Portland takes down the frontrunner, beating San Antonio, 3-0."

*****
"Some of the other games weren't nearly as exciting as that one, but let's recap. Knoxville (6-1) added to Chicago's (1-6) humiliation by trashing the Eagles.

The highlights, however, belong to Eagle HB Randy Steele. Randy broke off some giant runs through the gaping holes created by OG Tom Sanders and FB Josh Hackenstein. Steele added up 5 runs of 15 yards or more on way to a 203-yard, 3 TD day.

But big plays couldn't keep the Eagles in it, as their defense has completely collapsed. Knoxville chewed up the Eagles and spit them out with 3 TD passes and 3 TD runs. Every Redneck offensive player put on a good show as Knoxville wins, 42-21."

*****
"In Milwaukee, the Muscle Men (4-3) took no heed of Birmingham's (3-4) great defensive line, but instead allowed FB sensation Bulldozer to plow the way for HB Ricky Williams. Though Bulldozer had his hands full and didn't garner his usual great running day, Ricky Williams benefited from the 'Dozer's blocking effort to the tune of 118 yards and 3 TDs.

For Birmingham, though HB Artemis plowed through the line, he got NO further as MW MLB Zach 'Clog the middle' Thomas and OLB Superman ate him alive. Superman totalled 15 tackles on the day. Birmingham's lone score came on a 23-yard TD pass from 'ZR' to WR Apollo in the second.

Milwaukee holds field position and grinds out the clock on the way to a 21-7 victory."

*****
"Cincinnati's (0-7) only possibility of stopping Sizzlack and the Isotopes (5-2) was to keep it away with ball control.

The running game, Cinci's one true strength, did it's job, pouring on the yards and racking up 3 scores.

But CN safety Pan Pan could not contain AQ WR Quagmire, as 'Q' hauled in a pair of deep bombs and in the third, his third TD of the day.

AQ HB Guy Incognito continued to show his versatility, picking up a pair on the ground and one in the air.

Cinci's defense just could not hold back Sizzlack, who put up big numbers en route to a 42-21 victory."

*****
"As some expected, the Little Rock (2-5) vs. Fargo (1-6) matchup did prove a solid matchup. Both teams took advantage of weaker defenses to re-oil their offensive machines.

In the first possession, Little Rock made certain to strike first blood by running Rajah Saleem through every gap in every blocking assignment in the book. You could tell it was a scripted attempt to see what would work. It resulted in a 2-yard TD plunge, LR 7-0.

For the rest of the quarter, Fargo would be slowed by a LR DT Henry Blitzen sack, and the Willies were held back when FG CB F.Swaggs hauled in an INT.

In the second, Fargo tied it up as HB Glutton for Punishment followed a monster block from FB Ty Wick to a 7-yard TD run.

Just before the half, Saleem ran off OT Keith 'Slap' Slapinski for a 21-yard TD scamper, and the Willies were up at the half.

In the third, Fargo tied it up quick as young WR Tarek burned LR safety Beaumont Braxton and ran untouched 57 yards to paydirt.

Another Glutton TD, and then a Little Rock TD pass to WR Bruce Spinner brought us to the waning moments of the 4th with the score tied.

Deep in their own territory, Fargo needed to make a long drive, or run down the clock to overtime. On first down, QB Killer dropped back to try the pass, but pressured by LR DE L.L.JeeberD, he tossed the ball away. On second down, Glutton picked up 4 behind OG Matt. On third, Glutton managed 5 yards behind OT Stud, but got stopped short as LR DE Mark dragged him down from behind. Facing 4th and 1 on their own 29, Fargo let the clock run down. If they could just get the first, they could let the clock go to overtime.

From the I, FB Ty Wick doubled up Little Rock DT Lee Roy Buttersworth, as OG Eric sought to contain LR looping DE L.L.JeeberD. But just as Glutton for Punishment plunged through the hole, LR rookie DT Henry Blitzen slipped out of his block and leaped into the gap. CRASH! A streaking 225-lb halfback met a powerful young lineman packing 290 and a heap o' rage. Pulling the bodies away, the chains came out and rookie Blitzen won the battle. Turnover on downs with 29 yards and 29 seconds to go for the Willies.

On first down, the Willies lined up both receivers on the near side and then rolled the dice with a delayed HB sweep to Rajah. Saleem picked up 8 yards before playing it smart and stepping out of bounds to stop the clock. On the next play, QB David Slinger passed over the middle to WR Bruce Spinner, but Spinner got stopped just short by FG safety Safety Boy. Little Rock called their final timeout.

One play left in regulation...one play too many when Rajah Saleem is on the field. Rajah took the pitch left, but cut off by FG DE Chesty, spun back toward the middle. Saleem planted his foot in Safety Boy's face, then leaped backwards as Safety dove for his legs. Safety Boy landed square on his face with a fistful of nothin', then Rajah leaped over him, plowed into OLB Chris, and carried the 'backer into the endzone for 7 and the win.

Rajah 'Somebody better make me MVP' Saleem wins it for his club on a brilliant play. LR 28-21."

*****
Commish's recap:
"Portland spoils again! They did that to then-undefeated Knoxville a few years back, and now they do it to San Antonio. Suddenly, the title chase is clouded again!

San Antonio: 7-1
Los Angeles: 7-1
Knoxville: 7-1
Albuquerque: 6-2

The hunt for top draft picks is getting tight as well:

Cinci: 0-8
Chicago: 1-7
Fargo: 1-7

Now, if that three-way tie at the top holds out, it may come down to the cumulative defensive prowess of the Margarita Monsters vs. the Star Crunch.

But holding the tie may be tricky. For LA plays SA next week, and LA plays KX in week 11. LA has been the hottest team in the ZFL over the past several weeks. They must keep the fires burning if they want the crown! But it's there for the taking with a couple of key victories.

Next week, the expansion clubs face each other; LR plays CH; but most eyes will be on LA vs SA. Next week might just crown our champion!

[sachmo71]

I fully expect to lose to Marmel. He has defense AND offense.

[Marmel]

My defense has shown a few chinks in the armor sachmo. It is going to be an epic battle! Well, at least a good fake football game.