Another relationship thread

[Johnny93g]

Im sitting at work right now....thinking about tonight, as it will effect the rest of my life....
part of this is maybe to vent, but others do it on here, so here i go.

My girlfriend spent the weekend in Ottawa for the Canada day festivities.....She calls me last night after she got home, and wants to come over tonight to "talk".....im suddenly very alarmed....and after pushing her a little to let me in on the secret.....she wants to talk about breaking up with me......thinks its not fair to me if she doesnt feel the same way as i do.....

I admit, i can come on strong, and i feel more for people earlier then they do, but with this girl, omg, i cant let this happen....she is the best thing that ever happend to me, and im scared to death of losing her right now.....

We have been together 5 months...while that isnt too too long, it isnt short either, and it does show that she did at one time have feelings for me.....I also dont believe that she doesnt have feelings for me anymore....that wouldnt make sense....

Im a very private person, and she knows that....Im not a people person....infact, im very comparable to Hayden Fox from coach....you could say "I hate people"....I dont think this is the problem, but it could be.....another problem could be she needds space.....not time apart, but space when were together...let her innitiate the contact, let her kiss me, let her cuddle up to me.......

I dont know.....today, i really dont care about anything else, and i dont really see the point of anything else......I just want to see her to let her know im gonna fight for her....i aint gonna give her up.......I want to work with her.....

Anyway, ya, thanks for listening, like i said, im very private, and im a little surprised id share this with you guys, but again, today, i just dont care....

any advice is welcome......i think she's the love of my life, and Ill do whatever it takes to hold on to her

[wade moore]

This is only half-serious advice and not very helpful..

I learned a lesson to many times that letting younger females off on trips by themselves tends to lead to this kind of trouble..

They tend to get to do the things 'they don't get to do anymore'... and hang out with people who are 'fun'... etc, etc... They fun vacation, trip, etc. atmosphere is very fun compared to serious relationships... Unfortunately for them, they often come to their senses after it is too late...


not that i'm bitter.

[Johnny93g]

im 25, and she's 23......she went with 2 girls, an 1 guy, who is the bf of 1 of the girls who went.....I wasnt invited, but didnt think anything of it sense it seemed like a thing just for their group......im not sure if our talk last night had anything to do with the trip.....i dont think she is the type that would cheat though......

[Cringer]

let her go. but get one last ride from her...

[wade moore]

Originally Posted by Johnny93g

im 25, and she's 23......she went with 2 girls, an 1 guy, who is the bf of 1 of the girls who went.....I wasnt invited, but didnt think anything of it sense it seemed like a thing just for their group......im not sure if our talk last night had anything to do with the trip.....i dont think she is the type that would cheat though......

I'm not necessarily saying anything about cheating directly...

You said it yourself, you're not a people person... I'm guessing she was out partying and having fun with people who are?

[Flasch186]

the fact that you were excluded from the "group" is a problem to begin with. The key, I have found, to relationships (or at least one of them) is to make sure he/she melds well with the "group". If they don't its sayonara.

Anyways, unfortunately in cases like this I have found that the harder you fight for her the more content she'll be that she let you go. the best thing you could do to reach the ending you desire, which is either to have her be gone, if it truly wasn't meant to be or have her want you back, if thats truly what was meant to be is to...move on quickly without her, have a blast in life with yourself and others and then you kill both birds. She'll either see what she's missing, miss you and want you back (which puts the ball in your court) or, worst case scenario, you've had a ball regardless.

[dawgfan]

I've been in your shoes before. I know how much it hurts to think about losing her, but it may turn out that the best thing to do is let her go.

If you do get together to talk about her breaking up with you, the best thing you can do is find out why, and it's in your best interests to get the truth. That will happen only if you can demonstrate that you're willing to hear it and accept it. She'll be very tempted to try not to hurt your feelings and give you cliches.

You need to find out what the real reasons are, and then be honest with yourself - if the things she's citing as problems in your relationship are things that are fundamental to who you are, then you have to accept that it's just not going to work out and let her go.

Whatever you do, avoid the temptation you've already hinted at to try and hang on to her for dear life. It won't do you any good - even if she stays, she'll most likely be doing so out of pity and guilt, which will only work for a little while, and it will make you look less attractive. Be strong.

By the same token, don't go too far in the other direction and get cold and bitter. It may turn out to be a temporary thing for her and she just needs some time to breathe and test herself to figure out if you're the one she really wants to be with. Don't burn your bridges with her unless absolutely necessary.

Let her know you don't want to lose her and if there are reasonable things you can do differently that will help fix the problem, but don't beg, and don't make false promises. If the things she doesn't like about your relationship are things you honestly think you can change, then try and do so, but know yourself well enough to know what that line is between things you can fix and things that are unlikely to change.

Keep this in mind - you are both still young, and that may be playing a role. It might just be that she's not ready to settle down, that she wants to still have the opportunity to see what else is out there without feeling constrained. If she comes back, then you can feel more secure in the strength of your connection with her; if she doesn't, then it wasn't the right situation, and it never would've worked no matter how much you tried. If you do break up, don't close yourself off either - be available for the next potential relationship to happen. It will both help ease the sting of this breakup, and it might turn out to be a relationship that is better for you anyway.

Good luck and stay strong.

[Johnny93g]

Originally Posted by wade moore

I'm not necessarily saying anything about cheating directly...

You said it yourself, you're not a people person... I'm guessing she was out partying and having fun with people who are?

maybe, i admit her friends are bigger partiers then me, but that cant be enough to break us up

[dawgfan]

Originally Posted by Johnny93g

maybe, i admit her friends are bigger partiers then me, but that cant be enough to break us up

Sure it can. How well do you get along with most of her friends? Do you socialize a lot with them?

If she feels like you don't mix well with her friends, she may well feel like she has to choose between the two of you which is something most people don't want to have to do.

[Johnny93g]

Originally Posted by Flasch186

the fact that you were excluded from the "group" is a problem to begin with. The key, I have found, to relationships (or at least one of them) is to make sure he/she melds well with the "group". If they don't its sayonara.

Anyways, unfortunately in cases like this I have found that the harder you fight for her the more content she'll be that she let you go. the best thing you could do to reach the ending you desire, which is either to have her be gone, if it truly wasn't meant to be or have her want you back, if thats truly what was meant to be is to...move on quickly without her, have a blast in life with yourself and others and then you kill both birds. She'll either see what she's missing, miss you and want you back (which puts the ball in your court) or, worst case scenario, you've had a ball regardless.

yes, i was excluded this time, but i have gone out with them before, and i got along best with these 3 people....here closest 3 friends.......as for letting her go and hoping she wants me back.....i thought about it, but its not something i can do.......she's pretty much my best friend.....im confidant.....i cant picture her with another guy....im also not the type that plays games....and neither is she.......so im not sure if that would work, but if it wasnt truly meant to be, then whoever's plan that is will have to deal with me, cuz i wont accept that

[MrBug708]

You would be surprised. A lot of girls like the social scene waaay too much. 5 months out of it might bring a yearning for it once again

[Johnny93g]

Originally Posted by dawgfan

Sure it can. How well do you get along with most of her friends? Do you socialize a lot with them?

If she feels like you don't mix well with her friends, she may well feel like she has to choose between the two of you which is something most people don't want to have to do.

I dont know them well enough to call them my friends....but i have no problem hanging out with them, and as far as i know, they have no problem with me.....she is a family person, so her family would have more influence i think, and they get along great with me.......so i dont think this is it.....infact, if it is, im estatic right now, cuz that is something i can work to fix

[dawgfan]

Originally Posted by Johnny93g

yes, i was excluded this time, but i have gone out with them before, and i got along best with these 3 people....here closest 3 friends...

That doesn't mean that they might not have issues with you, justified or not.

Originally Posted by Johnny93g

....as for letting her go and hoping she wants me back.....i thought about it, but its not something i can do.......she's pretty much my best friend.....im confidant.....i cant picture her with another guy..

If she wants to break up with you, you really don't have any choice in the matter unless you go psycho-stalker on her, and that story never has a good ending. You might not be able to picture her with another guy, but she probably can, and the only way you can change her mind is to prove you can be the person she wants to be with. You have to face the possibility that you can't prove that to her.

Originally Posted by Johnny93g

..im also not the type that plays games....and neither is she.......so im not sure if that would work, but if it wasnt truly meant to be, then whoever's plan that is will have to deal with me, cuz i wont accept that

Maybe she's not playing a game - maybe she really doesn't see you as the right guy for her long-term.

And you need to get a grip on yourself - even if she is being influenced by others to split with you, it won't do you any good to try and retaliate. If others are trying to split you two up, and she accepts that influence, then either a) they have legitimate reasons why you two shouldn't be together, or b) your girlfriend isn't someone you should be with anyway if she's willing to be influenced by her friends into doing stupid things.

From the tone of your posts, I'm afraid you're already headed down a bad path that will only make the situation worse. Get a grip on yourself before it's too late and you do things you'll end up regretting later.

[Pumpy Tudors]

Johnny, I'm not trying to be mean, but it sounds like you're not really going to accept any possible explanations that we can provide. It's as if you want to believe that none of those things are the reason for this. Maybe they're not, but please seriously consider what people here are saying and maybe ask her about it.

[Johnny93g]

Originally Posted by dawgfan

I've been in your shoes before. I know how much it hurts to think about losing her, but it may turn out that the best thing to do is let her go.

If you do get together to talk about her breaking up with you, the best thing you can do is find out why, and it's in your best interests to get the truth. That will happen only if you can demonstrate that you're willing to hear it and accept it. She'll be very tempted to try not to hurt your feelings and give you cliches.

You need to find out what the real reasons are, and then be honest with yourself - if the things she's citing as problems in your relationship are things that are fundamental to who you are, then you have to accept that it's just not going to work out and let her go.

Whatever you do, avoid the temptation you've already hinted at to try and hang on to her for dear life. It won't do you any good - even if she stays, she'll most likely be doing so out of pity and guilt, which will only work for a little while, and it will make you look less attractive. Be strong.

By the same token, don't go too far in the other direction and get cold and bitter. It may turn out to be a temporary thing for her and she just needs some time to breathe and test herself to figure out if you're the one she really wants to be with. Don't burn your bridges with her unless absolutely necessary.

Let her know you don't want to lose her and if there are reasonable things you can do differently that will help fix the problem, but don't beg, and don't make false promises. If the things she doesn't like about your relationship are things you honestly think you can change, then try and do so, but know yourself well enough to know what that line is between things you can fix and things that are unlikely to change.

Keep this in mind - you are both still young, and that may be playing a role. It might just be that she's not ready to settle down, that she wants to still have the opportunity to see what else is out there without feeling constrained. If she comes back, then you can feel more secure in the strength of your connection with her; if she doesn't, then it wasn't the right situation, and it never would've worked no matter how much you tried. If you do break up, don't close yourself off either - be available for the next potential relationship to happen. It will both help ease the sting of this breakup, and it might turn out to be a relationship that is better for you anyway.

Good luck and stay strong.

I really appreciate what your saying....we havent infact broke up.....she wants to talk tonight, so im still thinking theres hope....now i know what were talking about, so thats what is killing me.......I dont really know how strong i can be, cuz right now, im dead inside.....The thing is i dont think there is too much wrong with our relationship......we get along great, never fight......it was going so great until last night......I dont want to seem desperate, or beg, nor should i have to, but the thought of waking up tommorow morning, without her being my gf, is almost bringing tears to my eyes right now....that makes me look like a sap, or a wimp, but i dont give a shit...im an honest guy, i say what im feeling, and i dont know any other way......ive had breakup's before, but ive never felt like this before......i would never burn any bridges with her.....there would be no reason too, i care for her too much to ever want to hurt her......

I really appreciate your words...thanks

[Suicane75]

Find a girl named Dreams, thats the stuff.

[Johnny93g]

Originally Posted by Pumpy Tudors

Johnny, I'm not trying to be mean, but it sounds like you're not really going to accept any possible explanations that we can provide. It's as if you want to believe that none of those things are the reason for this. Maybe they're not, but please seriously consider what people here are saying and maybe ask her about it.

your not being mean.....im considering everything i read, and i will ask her about stuff, im just giving my point of view on some of this stuff....i really appreciate what im reading, its some things i have not thought of yet, and it does help getting these opinions

[Johnny93g]

Originally Posted by dawgfan

That doesn't mean that they might not have issues with you, justified or not.



If she wants to break up with you, you really don't have any choice in the matter unless you go psycho-stalker on her, and that story never has a good ending. You might not be able to picture her with another guy, but she probably can, and the only way you can change her mind is to prove you can be the person she wants to be with. You have to face the possibility that you can't prove that to her.



Maybe she's not playing a game - maybe she really doesn't see you as the right guy for her long-term.

And you need to get a grip on yourself - even if she is being influenced by others to split with you, it won't do you any good to try and retaliate. If others are trying to split you two up, and she accepts that influence, then either a) they have legitimate reasons why you two shouldn't be together, or b) your girlfriend isn't someone you should be with anyway if she's willing to be influenced by her friends into doing stupid things.

From the tone of your posts, I'm afraid you're already headed down a bad path that will only make the situation worse. Get a grip on yourself before it's too late and you do things you'll end up regretting later.

I dont think she is playing a game either, my gut says she's not sure what she wants, as the relationship isnt new and exciting anymore, its normal everyday life, so that could be it.....as far as relaiating, and all that, dont worry, im not gonna do anything stupid....im not a stalker, i dont fight people, im not looking for a fight.....I also dont think her friends would encourage her to do that....of course, i dont know them well enough to make that assumption......if that were true, i would want to talk to her, and them.......im not gonna do anything stupid though, i appreciate your concern

[dawgfan]

Originally Posted by Johnny93g

I really appreciate what your saying....we havent infact broke up.....she wants to talk tonight, so im still thinking theres hope....now i know what were talking about, so thats what is killing me.......I dont really know how strong i can be, cuz right now, im dead inside.....The thing is i dont think there is too much wrong with our relationship......we get along great, never fight......it was going so great until last night......I dont want to seem desperate, or beg, nor should i have to, but the thought of waking up tommorow morning, without her being my gf, is almost bringing tears to my eyes right now....that makes me look like a sap, or a wimp, but i dont give a shit...im an honest guy, i say what im feeling, and i dont know any other way......ive had breakup's before, but ive never felt like this before......i would never burn any bridges with her.....there would be no reason too, i care for her too much to ever want to hurt her......

I really appreciate your words...thanks

Like I said, I've been in that situation and I know the feeling - that's why I'm trying to help. The only thing that heals those wounds, if it does come to a breakup, is time.

The best way you can approach this talk is listen to her, really listen to what she's saying. It's OK to be emotional - in fact, I'm sure this will be a highly emotional talk. But keep a level head as much as you can. And as much as possible, try not to argue too much with her - let her tell you what her issues with the relationship are, and be willing to sleep on that information and take the time to rationally digest it. You'll be inclined to want to deny and argue all the things she brings up, but avoid that temptation as much as you can unless she says things that are definitely not true.

There is a problem with your relationship whether you see it or not - otherwise you wouldn't be having this talk with her. You need to find out what it is and be honest with yourself about whether those problems can be fixed. And it may well be that she's already made up her mind about splitting up. How you handle that will play a large role in whether or not you have a chance of getting back together with her. And if you take the time to rationally analyze what the issues are, you might realize that she's right about splitting up.

You want desperately to hold on to the relationship, but if you're not careful, in trying to do so you may just push her further away.

[Johnny93g]

Originally Posted by dawgfan

Like I said, I've been in that situation and I know the feeling - that's why I'm trying to help. The only thing that heals those wounds, if it does come to a breakup, is time.

The best way you can approach this talk is listen to her, really listen to what she's saying. It's OK to be emotional - in fact, I'm sure this will be a highly emotional talk. But keep a level head as much as you can. And as much as possible, try not to argue too much with her - let her tell you what her issues with the relationship are, and be willing to sleep on that information and take the time to rationally digest it. You'll be inclined to want to deny and argue all the things she brings up, but avoid that temptation as much as you can unless she says things that are definitely not true.

There is a problem with your relationship whether you see it or not - otherwise you wouldn't be having this talk with her. You need to find out what it is and be honest with yourself about whether those problems can be fixed. And it may well be that she's already made up her mind about splitting up. How you handle that will play a large role in whether or not you have a chance of getting back together with her. And if you take the time to rationally analyze what the issues are, you might realize that she's right about splitting up.

You want desperately to hold on to the relationship, but if you're not careful, in trying to do so you may just push her further away.

that makes alot of sense.....i definatly think i may not actually listen to her tonight, and instead try to defend myself....i cant do that.....the bottom line is if she feels that she will never feel any better about us being together, then my chances are pretty low...and im hoping to god that isnt it.......im going to do my best not to push her away.......i gotta say though, im getting pretty scared and nervous, i go home in 3 hours, and she will be there anytime after 6.......i really feel lost right now......

[wade moore]

I have to agree with dawgfan..

I've been there on this one and I've done the "I won't accept a breakup" thing when I was younger...

It ends bad.... REAL bad... especially if you would like to at minimum keep her as a friend, I would recommend against that solution.

[Johnny93g]

Originally Posted by wade moore

I have to agree with dawgfan..

I've been there on this one and I've done the "I won't accept a breakup" thing when I was younger...

It ends bad.... REAL bad... especially if you would like to at minimum keep her as a friend, I would recommend against that solution.

when i say that, i mean that ill do whatever it takes, if that is indeed possible.....I dont know if i could be friends.....I would want to, but i know myself, and i know it would hurt way to much.....im definatly would not part on bad terms though..

[Desnudo]

Originally Posted by Flasch186

the fact that you were excluded from the "group" is a problem to begin with. The key, I have found, to relationships (or at least one of them) is to make sure he/she melds well with the "group". If they don't its sayonara.

Anyways, unfortunately in cases like this I have found that the harder you fight for her the more content she'll be that she let you go. the best thing you could do to reach the ending you desire, which is either to have her be gone, if it truly wasn't meant to be or have her want you back, if thats truly what was meant to be is to...move on quickly without her, have a blast in life with yourself and others and then you kill both birds. She'll either see what she's missing, miss you and want you back (which puts the ball in your court) or, worst case scenario, you've had a ball regardless.

I agree with Flasch here. You don't have control over the situation. Trying to establish control by doing what probably turned her off in the relationship, coming on strong, will not help. The only thing you can control about the situation is how you handle yourself. Be a man about it.

[Cringer]

Originally Posted by Johnny93g

when i say that, i mean that ill do whatever it takes, if that is indeed possible.....

Be careful.........

[dawgfan]

Just remember to worry about the things you can control. You can't control whether she decides to break up. What you can control is how you react to it. It may be she just needs some time to figure things out without the pressure of being around you all the time, in which case how you deal with this situation will be critical - be willing to listen, be willing to take reasonable measures to fix things that you can honestly fix, let her know you don't want to split up with her but don't be overly clingy about it and give her the space she needs to think about things.

It may also be that she's made up her mind that things won't work out, and nothing you can do can change that. You can't control that, but you can control how you deal with it - it's OK to be hurt and upset by it, but you have to be able to move on. While the relationships we have in this life make it special, you can't let them rule you, because while various things can cause relationships to fade or suddenly disappear, you'll always have you. You're far too young to tie your life to another person. It may hurt like hell to think about not being with her, but you've got the whole rest of your life to make new relationships. If it doesn't work out with her, then it just means it wasn't the right fit. You may not believe that now, but you will. And it may well be that sometime down the road that the right fit is her, and you both just needed time to grow and reflect on things, so don't burn your bridges.

If she really is your best friend, then after all the hurt subsides you might be able to continue that friendship with her, and that could very well lead to better things for both of you.

I had a similar situation in my early 20's, I was madly in love with this girl and was devastated when she wanted to break-up. Ultimately though it was the best thing - down the road it became clear to me that she really wasn't the best fit for me and it wouldn't have worked out. I'm still friends with her, and that's a nice feeling and a great resource to have, as she's been able to give me great perspectives on things in my life.

Good luck tonight.

[Johnny93g]

Originally Posted by dawgfan

Just remember to worry about the things you can control. You can't control whether she decides to break up. What you can control is how you react to it. It may be she just needs some time to figure things out without the pressure of being around you all the time, in which case how you deal with this situation will be critical - be willing to listen, be willing to take reasonable measures to fix things that you can honestly fix, let her know you don't want to split up with her but don't be overly clingy about it and give her the space she needs to think about things.

It may also be that she's made up her mind that things won't work out, and nothing you can do can change that. You can't control that, but you can control how you deal with it - it's OK to be hurt and upset by it, but you have to be able to move on. While the relationships we have in this life make it special, you can't let them rule you, because while various things can cause relationships to fade or suddenly disappear, you'll always have you. You're far too young to tie your life to another person. It may hurt like hell to think about not being with her, but you've got the whole rest of your life to make new relationships. If it doesn't work out with her, then it just means it wasn't the right fit. You may not believe that now, but you will. And it may well be that sometime down the road that the right fit is her, and you both just needed time to grow and reflect on things, so don't burn your bridges.

If she really is your best friend, then after all the hurt subsides you might be able to continue that friendship with her, and that could very well lead to better things for both of you.

I had a similar situation in my early 20's, I was madly in love with this girl and was devastated when she wanted to break-up. Ultimately though it was the best thing - down the road it became clear to me that she really wasn't the best fit for me and it wouldn't have worked out. I'm still friends with her, and that's a nice feeling and a great resource to have, as she's been able to give me great perspectives on things in my life.

Good luck tonight.

Thanks for the kind words.....i appreciate it.....your right, i dont want to think she isnt the one.....cuz im convinced she is......but if i admit that to myself know, that she might not be, i feel ive already lost her......I definatly think more long term then her, but thats me, i anticipate things working out, and she is more short term, like next week.....

I dont know, its relationships that make life worth living......everything else is time killer.....family and freinds are whats important, and thats why im taking this so hard.....i doint want to lose someone that special to me......part of it is im afraid ill never find someone who gets me the way she does....

I dont want to experience another 1st kiss....I dont want to be nervous about holding someones hand, i dont want to meet someone elses family......i just want my girl, and i want to never let go of her.....

[Karlifornia]

Yeah, I agree with what dawgfan's been posting.

Honestly, you have no control over this situation. Not accepting a break-up, or begging for her to stay is not going to do anything if she really doesn't want to be with, and it may in fact repel her, and make her not want to be around you.

If she does break up with you. tell her how much you've enjoyed her company. Don't play the victim. I know you are 'the victim', but if she comes back to you just because she feels bad about hurting your feelings, then the proceeding relationship will be short and ugly. If you really want to be with her, the best thing you can do is just leave all possibilities open. Tell her that if she ever needs anything that you'll be there for her. Most likely, she will repeat this sentiment. Who knows, she might have a bad day in a week, go home by herself and realize that she'd rather be with you.

And, by the way, the partying thing comes and goes. I party pretty hard, but when I burnt out and my girlfriend of 2 years wanted to keep that lifestyle, we clashed, and fell apart. Then we got back together, and I decided I wanted to be more social, and she calmed down. I subsequently dumped her. Now I regret it. Some people are just fickle like that, man. We'll all be dead eventually.

[dawgfan]

Originally Posted by Johnny93g

Thanks for the kind words.....i appreciate it...

No problem. To use a Clintonism, "I feel your pain."

Originally Posted by Johnny93g

I dont know, its relationships that make life worth living......everything else is time killer.....family and freinds are whats important, and thats why im taking this so hard.....i doint want to lose someone that special to me......part of it is im afraid ill never find someone who gets me the way she does....

Yes, relationships are the thing that makes life special, but you can't count on a relationship always being there - people die, feelings change, things can happen. It's hard to lose a valuable friendship, but you have to be able to move on.

And while she gets you, she's not the only person capable of doing so. There could well be someone else who "gets you" better than she does - you just haven't met her yet, or your relationship hasn't progressed to that point yet.

Originally Posted by Johnny93g

I dont want to experience another 1st kiss....I dont want to be nervous about holding someones hand, i dont want to meet someone elses family......i just want my girl, and i want to never let go of her.....

Those are special memories, but trust me - it's still exciting to go through them again with a new person. It's those feelings that tell you you're getting into something important. You can fall in love again, and while it won't be the same as this relationship, it could be better. Happened to me, and happens to people all the time. You're only 25 - if this relationship isn't the right one, you've got the rest of your life to meet someone better. Don't let this be an anchor on your life.

[Flasch186]

ok...the harder you try, the furthe she'll be pushed away. You'll look back on this and say, "yup..shoulda listened."

[Franklinnoble]

Seriously... brush her off. You're too young to be ruined by a 5-month relationship that ended with the girl wanting to screw around with some different guys.

[Johnny93g]

You guys know what....i need to start being positive......We have had a wonderful 5 months.....i know she has too......theres no way she can say she has been unhappy....we have had no major problems......things have been pretty smooth. Theres a good chance that we'll be able to work out what's bugging her......if not, then gonna be gone for a while, not physically, but emotionally......i have a tendency to suffer in quiet.....not let people in, and thats what probably would happen this time.....but thats assuming things cant work out.....Im gonna assume they can.....this may be the hardest thing in my life so far, but by far, its got the biggest payoff......even though im still feeling really down right now, its not over......and i aint giving up

Thanks for everything so far......getting close to home time....

btw, happy 4th of July to all of you

[Johnny93g]

Originally Posted by Franklinnoble

Seriously... brush her off. You're too young to be ruined by a 5-month relationship that ended with the girl wanting to screw around with some different guys.

i dont think brushing her off is the answer here.....I dont want the relationship to end....but you did make me laugh.....thanks

[CraigSca]

I was in a relationship for 3 years all through college. One day we went on vacation and she said, "I don't have feelings for you anymore." Of course, I was completely devastated - the whole, "I'll never find anyone else" routine.

A few things I've learned from this: Anytime you have to "work through some issues" or "I'll do anything to make her change her mind" - the mind is already made up and it's a losing battle. You're just prolonging the misery.

Let her go and try best you can to keep yourself occupied. Don't cripple yourself, because when you DO meet that special someone you don't want to come across as beaten down. If she comes back (which she might, but only if you don't dog her at every opportunity) then go for it.

It's hard to believe, but down the line you WILL meet that special someone. Only then will you realize how you were kidding yourself that this girl was the one for you.

[Rizon]

Originally Posted by Johnny93g

I really appreciate what your saying....we havent infact broke up.....she wants to talk tonight, so im still thinking theres hope....now i know what were talking about, so thats what is killing me.......I dont really know how strong i can be, cuz right now, im dead inside.....The thing is i dont think there is too much wrong with our relationship......we get along great, never fight......it was going so great until last night......I dont want to seem desperate, or beg, nor should i have to, but the thought of waking up tommorow morning, without her being my gf, is almost bringing tears to my eyes right now....that makes me look like a sap, or a wimp, but i dont give a shit...im an honest guy, i say what im feeling, and i dont know any other way......ive had breakup's before, but ive never felt like this before......i would never burn any bridges with her.....there would be no reason too, i care for her too much to ever want to hurt her......

I really appreciate your words...thanks

Break up with her over the phone, and tell her you want a girl that doesn't play mind games. Don't even discuss it with her, and don't let her talk. Hang up after you tell her that. Never call her again, don't return her calls or messages.

In two weeks she'll show up at your doorstep in lingerie begging to give you a hummer.

[Solecismic]

It's been said before, but if she's decided to break up with you, the more you defend yourself, the more determined she'll be to make the break.

Sounds like a paradox, but that's the way it works.

Try and turn the discussion. Ask her if there's something you've done to upset her enough to think about ending the relationship. At first, she's going to deny it - she's going say "it's me, we're just growing apart."

Press her a tiny amount. Is she sure there's nothing you've done? Because you wouldn't want to hurt her in any way. But be delicate here. Don't whine. Don't make this a big issue.

Now, here's the hard part. What you do at this point is agree with her. Don't put her down in any way whatsoever, just agree. Tell her you've given it some thought, and maybe you need some time apart. I know this is counter to your instincts, but your instincts to defend yourself are destructive in this situation.

Now don't be mean about it. Tell her that maybe you should be apart for a short while. Something along the lines of, "Yes, I've sensed this myself, and maybe we need some time apart. But you know I'll always be there for you if you need me."

At this point, try to say as little as possible. Let her drive any further discussion. If she asks you how you are, just say, "this is difficult, but I'm okay." You absolutely need to appear strong here.

The reason? Women like strength. They like to feel they're missing out on something special. You can't always play your full hand, especially in situations like this where you're holding a Queen-high and she's betting heavily.

There's a line between playing games and not showing your hand, to mix my metaphors here. You want to do the latter, not the former.

A couple of additional points: if she mentions that you have done something wrong, let her talk. Address the accusation directly, without whining. Think about it - it is a valid complaint? Is it something you can correct easily? If it is, tell her exactly how you plan to correct it. If not, just agree with her and go back to the plan.

If she mentions that she's seeing someone else, fold and leave the game. There's nothing you can do and you really need to get out of the situation entirely. Try and forget about her, because you're only wasting time if you don't.

[timmynausea]

Front Office Manipulating Women. Pimpin' ain't easy.

[Desnudo]

To reiterate: be a fucking man about it. That's all what these guys are saying. Forget the wo is me crap. It hurts, and it sucks, and there's no way around it. She'll respect you a lot more in the end if you behave like a man rather than some clingy, whiny sissy.

[Johnny93g]

Originally Posted by Solecismic

It's been said before, but if she's decided to break up with you, the more you defend yourself, the more determined she'll be to make the break.

Sounds like a paradox, but that's the way it works.

Try and turn the discussion. Ask her if there's something you've done to upset her enough to think about ending the relationship. At first, she's going to deny it - she's going say "it's me, we're just growing apart."

Press her a tiny amount. Is she sure there's nothing you've done? Because you wouldn't want to hurt her in any way. But be delicate here. Don't whine. Don't make this a big issue.

Now, here's the hard part. What you do at this point is agree with her. Don't put her down in any way whatsoever, just agree. Tell her you've given it some thought, and maybe you need some time apart. I know this is counter to your instincts, but your instincts to defend yourself are destructive in this situation.

Now don't be mean about it. Tell her that maybe you should be apart for a short while. Something along the lines of, "Yes, I've sensed this myself, and maybe we need some time apart. But you know I'll always be there for you if you need me."

At this point, try to say as little as possible. Let her drive any further discussion. If she asks you how you are, just say, "this is difficult, but I'm okay." You absolutely need to appear strong here.

The reason? Women like strength. They like to feel they're missing out on something special. You can't always play your full hand, especially in situations like this where you're holding a Queen-high and she's betting heavily.

There's a line between playing games and not showing your hand, to mix my metaphors here. You want to do the latter, not the former.

A couple of additional points: if she mentions that you have done something wrong, let her talk. Address the accusation directly, without whining. Think about it - it is a valid complaint? Is it something you can correct easily? If it is, tell her exactly how you plan to correct it. If not, just agree with her and go back to the plan.

If she mentions that she's seeing someone else, fold and leave the game. There's nothing you can do and you really need to get out of the situation entirely. Try and forget about her, because you're only wasting time if you don't.

thanks, some good advice there....ill try and do just about everything you mentioned....with the exception of time apart......while i will concede spending less time together, i dont have it in me to take a "break".....

[timmynausea]

The time apart is key, though.

[Maple Leafs]

Originally Posted by Johnny93g

My girlfriend spent the weekend in Ottawa for the Canada day festivities.....

Oh damn, that was your girlfriend? Sorry about that...

[dawgfan]

Originally Posted by Johnny93g

thanks, some good advice there....ill try and do just about everything you mentioned....with the exception of time apart......while i will concede spending less time together, i dont have it in me to take a "break".....

You may not have a choice, and it might be that the problem is she feels suffocated by you. If she needs space, give it to her - not doing so won't help your situation, it'll make it worse. If she needs some time to herself, insisting on being around her isn't going to be much fun for you either, because she'll resent you not giving her the space she wants and she won't be much fun to be around.

And honestly, being so whipped that you don't think you have it in you to take a break is a bad sign. Be a man and deal with the consequences of what she has to say, even if you don't like the outcome. People will feel sorry for you for a little while if she breaks up with you, but eventually you'll start looking pathetic, and that's not going to help you meet someone new or make her more inclined to come back to you, it'll just make things worse.

[CraigSca]

Johnny - it really sounsd you're hearing a lot of the advice, but you're not listening. If she wants to break up with you, how are you going to demand that you see each other?

Just because you didn't see anything that was wrong doesn't me she doesn't. If she wants to break up with you - she probably doesn't want to see you, whether it's been 5 months or 50 months. I know it's hard, but you REALLY have to turn off clingy wuss mode and show some strength.

[Solecismic]

Right. You're not in a negotiation with her. If she wants a break, she gets a break. Your goal is to make this as easy on her as possible. Make her feel like she's the one missing out.

Guilt trips, whining and wheedling will kill your chances, period.

[Noop]

I am not trying to be mean or nothing but you two are over its just that you haven't been told yet... I compare it to a NBA trade we all know player A wants out(her) but player B(you) thinks he has a no trade clause. Fact is the trade is a done deal and you just have to throw in something so the trade will go thru smoothly(i.e. promises to remain friends; which is bullshit btw; calling on her birthday, etc. etc.) This is the last game try to raise your value before heading out of town.

[Rockstar]

Originally Posted by Johnny93g

Thanks for the kind words.....i appreciate it.....your right, i dont want to think she isnt the one.....cuz im convinced she is......but if i admit that to myself know, that she might not be, i feel ive already lost her......I definatly think more long term then her, but thats me, i anticipate things working out, and she is more short term, like next week.....

I dont know, its relationships that make life worth living......everything else is time killer.....family and freinds are whats important, and thats why im taking this so hard.....i doint want to lose someone that special to me......part of it is im afraid ill never find someone who gets me the way she does....

I dont want to experience another 1st kiss....I dont want to be nervous about holding someones hand, i dont want to meet someone elses family......i just want my girl, and i want to never let go of her.....

I gave up on all of the romantic story book crap a long time ago. Maybe you should just stop answering her calls. Become a party animal for a month, hook up with some hot chicks. Make sure you go to the same club she frequents atleast once, new girl in hand. And to make sure she misses you, bang her best friend (unless they happen to be a guy of course). There is nothing worse in a relationship that is that short then letting the woman have all of the control. There is another "her". Alot of them.

[Joe]

I hope this chick likes stalkers.

[timmynausea]

Originally Posted by George W Bush

I hope this chick likes stalkers.

Presidential Zing!

[Noop]

Originally Posted by Johnny93g

Thanks for the kind words.....i appreciate it.....your right, i dont want to think she isnt the one.....cuz im convinced she is......but if i admit that to myself know, that she might not be, i feel ive already lost her......I definatly think more long term then her, but thats me, i anticipate things working out, and she is more short term, like next week.....

I dont know, its relationships that make life worth living......everything else is time killer.....family and freinds are whats important, and thats why im taking this so hard.....i doint want to lose someone that special to me......part of it is im afraid ill never find someone who gets me the way she does....

I dont want to experience another 1st kiss....I dont want to be nervous about holding someones hand, i dont want to meet someone elses family......i just want my girl, and i want to never let go of her.....

Repeat after me... Nut Check. Because that is some very gay stuff... let me guess you grew up with alot of women in your house?

[Johnny93g]

i agree with you all on the fact that if she wants it to be over, its over....and there isnt anything i can do about it.......but its not easy for me to accept that......call me whipped, call me a wussy, call me anything you want, i dont really care, im much more concerned with how she thinks of me.....last week, at her house, she wasnt being too nice to be, not mean, but not that attentive, towards the end of the night, she apologized to me, gave me a big kiss, and said its not right the way she treated me that day......she said she needs to get used to someone wanting to spend time with her....she liked having her own free time, but just needed to get used to less time.......that may be the main thing, and if it is, i can handle that, it doesnt mean she doesnt want me, it means she is still adjusting....right?....throw me a bone here.....

[Noop]

I am afraid to throw you a bone for fear you might put it in..............