Jealousy

[judicial clerk]

So I have been bit by the jealousy bug and I thought I would talk it out here before I react to it. I also think the conversation might be interesting. I consider myself an easy going guy and good-natured 95% of the time and I pride myself on being polite and nice. My wife is the same way. My wife is also more good looking than average and she is actually more "attractive" than she is pretty if you know what I mean.

Last night I went to a school fundraiser with my wife and a bunch of other parents and for the most part everyone at the function was drinking if not drunk. We rode to the function with another couple who I would consider friendly acquaintances. We have kids the same age who have playdates, we have been on a group camping trip once, and we do some of the same kids activities. I say hello to these people whenever I see them. I consider this couple to be nice friendly people. They both get drunk but not sloppy at the fundraiser. My wife and I are drinking but not drunk

So during the evening we are all sitting at a table together and the husband mentions to me how he was dirty dancing with my wife at last year's fundraiser which I did not attend. (My wife had mentioned to me last year that this guy kept dragging her onto the dancefloor). I make a funny comment or something.

Like I said the guy is drunk and having a typical drunk conversation. At one point he tells my wife how, "Smoking hot!" she looks tonight (she did look good.). We all laugh it off and I make a joke of apologizing to his wife for him.

Later, my wife is talking about how she wants me to start hunting again because she wants me to bring home some meat. Husband from the other couple responds," I could give you some meat". Everybody laughs at his crude joke. The night finishes without incident.

So my wife and I are not above crude humor and my wife and I are faithful and happy in our marriage. But i am aggravated by this guys comments. I have not discussed it with my wife yet because I think she will not want me to say anything to this guy. I am guessing this guy is a nice person who gets flirty when he drinks and he has my wife in his spank bank. My brain says let it go and I will soon forget about it. The jealouser part of my brain says the next time I run into the guy to tell him in nice terms that I notice his behavior and I don't like it. A third option is to just tell my wife so she can check this guy. I dont like this option.

My concerns are that I might be overreacting and I will embarass everybody by calling him out and hurt a family friendship. My other concern is that his behavior will continue if unchecked and I will get more frustrated and even angry.

[EagleFan]

Guy sounds like a douchebag if you ask me. I don't even know which is worse, saying something like that to your wife in front of you or in front of his own wife.

[britrock88]

My first reaction would be to ask your wife about it to see whether a) she'll discourage him or b) she'll allow you to level with the guy. The potential problem with that is, in the case that your wife laughs it off/thinks you're being oversensitive, you're left on your own.

[DanGarion]

Is his wife hot?

I need to know this before I make any suggestions...

[judicial clerk]

In my opinion his wife is not ugly and she is attractive enough, if not as attractive as my wife. There is nothing really wrong with her. All of the comments were made right in front of his wife.

I would be happy to talk to my wife although my mindset right now is to ask forgiveness rather than ask permission.

[judicial clerk]

And nobody in this scenario is a super hot model or anything.

[miami_fan]

I think if you are aggravated by his conduct, then the best thing to do is address his conduct to him. Not necessarily in an aggressive manner but one that does show that you "noticed his conduct and you did not like it."

I am not sure where jealousy fits in with this situation. IMO this is more of a case of this guy being rude and disrespectful.

[Suicane75]

Have you ever said anything like that to his wife? Has he ever said anything to you like that in private? I think there are certain boundaries of decorum but I think once you're all drinking that pretty much goes away. Still, it was probably not very polite and yeah, he does sound like a tool. Seeing as you don't really hang out with them socially, I would let it pass this time and just try not to hang out with them in anymore situations where drinking was going on. If it happens again in a normal social situation, then I would say something.

Does your wife dress up on Halloween in sexy outfits? Snow White, Wonder Woman, stuff like that?

[Izulde]

For me this issue here isn't that he said that or whatever - it's that he said it in front of his wife, which is a total douchebag move.

It's one thing for bros to say this shit to each other, or even for him to be flirting with your wife - that's all whatever in my book and no big deal.

But saying that in front of his wife is just going to make her feel like shit. I'm sure she's well aware of the difference in hotness levels between your wife and her, and for her husband to essentially openly acknowledge it in front of her like that is like getting slapped.

[RedKingGold]

Originally Posted by Suicane75

Have you ever said anything like that to his wife? Has he ever said anything to you like that in private? I think there are certain boundaries of decorum but I think once you're all drinking that pretty much goes away. Still, it was probably not very polite and yeah, he does sound like a tool. Seeing as you don't really hang out with them socially, I would let it pass this time and just try not to hang out with them in anymore situations where drinking was going on. If it happens again in a normal social situation, then I would say something.

Does your wife dress up on Halloween in sexy outfits? Snow White, Wonder Woman, stuff like that?

This.

[RedKingGold]

I also wouldn't let her go to that fundraiser alone again.

[judicial clerk]

To answer some questions:

I have not said anything like this to his wife but then I havent said this kind of thing to anybody's wife but my own. My wife doesnt wear super sexy or slutty outfits but she will dress nice if we go out and she did so this night.

I think avoiding this guy in drinking situations sounds like good advice however I anticipate that we will be seeing these people in social situations in the future including situations where there is drinking.

This discussion has made me realize a factor that may be part of my jealousy. I have seen this guy drinking/ socializng now in three different settings including when my wife wasnt there and I have never seen him do this with any other women. I think it might not bother me as much if this was his M.O. With everybody and not just my wife. I have had friends who are the flirty type but they have been flirty or inappropriate with everybody when drunk. This feels a little different.

To answer if this is jealousy or just not liking his inappropriate behavior, I feel his behavior was rude to everybody who heard it and I dont like rude behavior, but I am confident my feelings come at least in part from jealousy.

If I talk to him about it I would do it privately. I would probably tell him I like him but I dont like his behavior towards my wife and say back to him the things he said to my wife and I so he is sure to understand the things I dont like.

[molson]

Originally Posted by miami_fan

I am not sure where jealousy fits in with this situation. IMO this is more of a case of this guy being rude and disrespectful.

That was my thought reading it - I can certainly see where jealousy comes in, but that seems to put some kind of unfair emphasis on judicial clerk's reaction, because of the way wee see "jealousy" in society as largely being the problem of the person that feels jealous. Here, damn, I say some pretty stupid stuff when drunk but I would never, ever talk to another man's wife like that, and I would be really offended if I saw someone say stuff like that even to someone else's wife. If this is some opportunity for productive self-reflection on jealousy, whatever, I guess, but this is just classic douchebag stuff on the other guy's end.

I probably wouldn't confront him or anything unless it happened again, exactly because this is his douchebag problem, not judicial clerk's problem in term of his emotional reaction. I wouldn't want to risk getting involved in some debate over what's OK for me to feel.

[booradley]

Just pull him aside and tell him to cool it. You can do it nicely. It's clearly bothering you, and will only continue to fester if you don't act.

You are ABSOLUTELY within your rights, and NO you aren't overreacting. I've known a few folks who were in the exact same situation you are in, and felt the exact same way you do now.

[Blackadar]

Someone saying my wife is "smoking hot" is borderline, but I'd probably thank them and then move the discussion to something more appopriate.

Someone telling my wife that they'd like to "give her some meat" is rude, disrespectful and inappropriate. It doesn't matter what the social situation is or how drunk someone is. Jealousy has nothing to do with it - this is about respect and common courtesy. So yeah, I'd say something (I would have said something right then and there) to the guy letting him know not to cross certain boundaries.

[Sun Tzu]

Well...if I were in your shoes, I would confront the guy next time you saw him. I don't care if his wife is there or not. I'd walk up to him, and say something to the tune of:

"Hey man, I appreciate you complimenting my wife now and again. I know you were drinking at this last fundraiser...hey we all were...but, I don't want to ever hear you offering my Wife your 'meat' again. Understand?"

I wouldn't joke around, I wouldn't laugh it off...I'd tell him this man-to-man. I don't have problems with confrontation, and I think a douchebag like this is only going to "get it" if you shock him into reality.

[Swaggs]

I agree with the general tone that it isn't jealousy -- it is a drunk guy acting way out of line.

I think I would talk it over with your wife first. Check and see if she read things the same way that you did and see if she is alright with you telling the guy to tone it down.

My first inclination would be to go confront the guy, but some times it just isn't worth it. The fact that the guy was saying things like that in front of his wife and she wasn't calling him on it or elbowing him in the gut suggests that this is the type of guy that has gone unchecked most of his life, so I would guess that confronting him would not lead to your desired outcome. If your wife is in agreement, I'd just quit hanging around the couple. They'll know why.

[Izulde]

Yeah I'm personally not seeing confronting him as a good idea. This is something you really need to talk to your wife about before you do anything.

[BrianD]

At some point, you should get your wife's take on this situation. There is a very real possibility that she will confirm that she is a bit creeped out by the guy and you can feel even more at east confronting him.

Approaching the guy now and telling him to cool it will probably save a big incident later. Sooner or later, his wife is going to snap and cause a scene, or he'll catch you on a bad night and you may take a swing at him. Much better to take care of it when everyone is calm and sober.

[Desnudo]

A comment like that is 100% clearly over the line. You should tell him privately to stfu in no uncertain terms. This guy will crumble if threatened based on the behavior you're describing. He's clearly pissing on your territory because he doesn't think you have the balls to do anything about it. The longer you wait to establish some boundaries the more it will escalate.

His wife and your wife have nothing to do with the answer. I do think your wife will appreciate it in the long run though.

[Solecismic]

I agree that you should discuss this with your wife, making sure she doesn't feel accused of anything. Attractive women sometimes feel like dressing nicely is a catch-22 within a marriage.

This guy is not your friend, alcohol or otherwise. And saying things like that in front of his wife is beyond disrespectful. Unless she and your wife are very close, the only solution I see here is avoiding them as much as you can in the future.

[Marc Vaughan]

I'd have said something to him, probably fairly forcibly - its a matter of politeness and respect for your wife (and his also tbh).

[boberot]

I'm normally all about checking in with the missus before acting on things, but this definitely seems like something that needs to be handled man-to-man. Regardless of how offended she felt, that guy definitely crossed the line and I would feel compelled -- even obligated -- to tell him to back the #&@$ off in no uncertain terms. It doesn't have to be heated or threatening, but I think you need to make it clear that it was unacceptable and can't happen again.

[M GO BLUE!!!]

Too bad you didn't come back with a quick retort that would have been both joke and a boundary check.

Something like" "Try it and I WILL take up hunting again. This time, the ULTIMATE game."

[Swaggs]

I guess my question for the confrontation and "man to man" crowd is, "what is the motivation?" Is it to make you feel better about drawing a line? Is it to protect your wife's honor? Do you value the "friendly acquaintance" enough that you think the confrontation is going to change his behavior?

It doesn't sound like this is a valued friendship (or someone worth pursuing a friendship with) and the other alternatives are generally not going to lead to a good outcome unless your wife is on board, in my opinion. Grown men typically don't change their behavior (and I'd call it behavior rather than a single incident since it sounds like he acted like an ass the year before, as well) at the request of others. I think the time has passed for curbing his shitty behavior because no one said anything while it was happening (he has probably rationalized or forgotten his actions by this point).

This is why I go back to making sure that you and your wife are on the same page. You can drop this dude from your life relatively painlessly, but you have a relationship with your wife. If she has a different read on what happened (unlikely) or doesn't think it is worth talking to the guy about, I'd drop it. If she thinks they are "couple friends" material, it is worth talking about and figuring out a good solution.

Right now, he is the one that behaved like and looks like an ass. Unless you see some great upside in confronting him (your wife is really hurt by the fact that you didn't "defend" her at the time, you guys value the friendship more than it appears, etc.), I think you only risk looking like an insecure husband and escalating the situation to a really uncomfortable level because he and his wife think it is "normal" to behave like that.

[spleen1015]

I would talk to your wife and see how she feels about the situation before doing anything.

[britrock88]

Originally Posted by Swaggs

I guess my question for the confrontation and "man to man" crowd is, "what is the motivation?" Is it to make you feel better about drawing a line? Is it to protect your wife's honor? Do you value the "friendly acquaintance" enough that you think the confrontation is going to change his behavior?

It doesn't sound like this is a valued friendship (or someone worth pursuing a friendship with) and the other alternatives are generally not going to lead to a good outcome unless your wife is on board, in my opinion. Grown men typically don't change their behavior (and I'd call it behavior rather than a single incident since it sounds like he acted like an ass the year before, as well) at the request of others. I think the time has passed for curbing his shitty behavior because no one said anything while it was happening (he has probably rationalized or forgotten his actions by this point).

This is why I go back to making sure that you and your wife are on the same page. You can drop this dude from your life relatively painlessly, but you have a relationship with your wife. If she has a different read on what happened (unlikely) or doesn't think it is worth talking to the guy about, I'd drop it. If she thinks they are "couple friends" material, it is worth talking about and figuring out a good solution.

Right now, he is the one that behaved like and looks like an ass. Unless you see some great upside in confronting him (your wife is really hurt by the fact that you didn't "defend" her at the time, you guys value the friendship more than it appears, etc.), I think you only risk looking like an insecure husband and escalating the situation to a really uncomfortable level because he and his wife think it is "normal" to behave like that.

QFT

[Marc Vaughan]

Originally Posted by Swaggs

I guess my question for the confrontation and "man to man" crowd is, "what is the motivation?" Is it to make you feel better about drawing a line? Is it to protect your wife's honor? Do you value the "friendly acquaintance" enough that you think the confrontation is going to change his behavior?

For me he was showing disrespect to both wives involved - as such it'd be tolerating behavior I disagree with, its like racism - if someone is racist in front of me I'll call them on it ...

Sometimes it might make people think twice about their behavior, but at least the people directly affected (in this case the ladies) know that someone thinks its unacceptable.

If she thinks they are "couple friends" material, it is worth talking about and figuring out a good solution.

If my wife thought a couple like that were 'couple friends' material she'd be quite wrong, it works two ways - if someone is abhorrent to me then I won't be friends with them simple as that (I could 'work' with them in a professional environment but thats an entirely different situation).

I think you only risk looking like an insecure husband and escalating the situation to a really uncomfortable level because he and his wife think it is "normal" to behave like that.

Personally couldn't care less about what people think about me - I'm more concerned about what "I" think about my behavior and encouraging a jerk by not standing up for what I believe in is far worse than anything others might think of me imho.

[Julio Riddols]

I can surely understand the jealousy coming up here.. This is something I would have just straight up asked the wife about on the way home, as soon as I got a chance to talk to her about it. My line of questioning would center around what she thought of his behavior and whether he has done this before. Her reaction to that would be something I would closely watch. Depending on that, if she acted like it was no big deal to her and thought he was just being silly or whatever I would ask her why she thought that was appropriate. If she acted like she thought it was rude I would ask her why it was rude, and so on, just trying to get a read on her based on how she usually talks to me.

Now I wouldn't be making any accusations or anything like that, this would just be a little clarification conversation, me getting a good read on her real thoughts about this.

If I thought it was weird how she responded, I would straight up let her know how I felt about the guy, knowing what I know. It's ok to be a little jealous. It's a good sign, women who aren't open to cheating see that as a positive generally, because it means you don't want to lose them and reaffirms your love in a way. Women who are interested in cheating are generally put off by jealousy because it seems like an accusation to them.

Now unless she threw up a ton of red flags in the above conversation, I would just let it go and trust her not to be a truly manipulative bitch who would lie to my face to lead me on. In the future I would certainly pay attention to how she reacts if the situation ever arises again.

If it happened again, I would simply tell the dude right there - "Hey man, I appreciate that you're trying to be funny and I know we've had a few drinks, but can we not make jokes about fucking each others wives?" - Say it in a way that is sort of semi joking to show I'm not gonna be a dick about it yet, but that I do have a slight problem with it. If he isn't respectful of that, then I would take the wife aside and let her know she needs to say something before we end up having to leave. She is also being disrespectful of me and his wife by allowing him to talk like this in front of both of us shamelessly. If she refuses to say something and the behavior continues, then its time for a serious talk, because that's flat out fucked up to disrespect my feelings on this issue, which are fully warranted given the events up to this time.

[Mizzou B-ball fan]

I always get a pretty good chuckle out of some of the responses to emotionally-charged posts such as this one. You get a pretty good feel for a person's general demeanor based on how they say they would handle the situation.

[Arles]

Best way to handle guys like this is to call him out in front of his wife and yours. If he says "I'd love to give your wife some meat" or some other crude comment. I would just reply something like:
(total asshat)
"By the looks of things, I'd say your wife needs more meat right now than mine".
(more tame)
"I bet you would but it's a shame both of you are married."

Either way, if you put him on blast in front of your wife and his when he does it - it will make everyone uncomfortable and probably prompt a (seemingly needed) conversation between him and his wife later. At a minimum, he would know you are not OK with it and even if your wife says she doesn't want a confrontation - I think she would understand your aggravation if it got brought up later.

The end result is the more this guy goes unchecked, the more ballsy he will get. If I were you, I would put a stop to it the next chance you get. Depending upon how important the friendship is (if you call it that), you can err on the tame side. I would talk to your wife about it. When someone makes comments about your wife in a crude manner, telling your wife it bothers you and that you are going to check him next time is an appropriate response.

[miami_fan]

Originally Posted by Swaggs

I guess my question for the confrontation and "man to man" crowd is, "what is the motivation?" Is it to make you feel better about drawing a line? Is it to protect your wife's honor? Do you value the "friendly acquaintance" enough that you think the confrontation is going to change his behavior?

It doesn't sound like this is a valued friendship (or someone worth pursuing a friendship with) and the other alternatives are generally not going to lead to a good outcome unless your wife is on board, in my opinion. Grown men typically don't change their behavior (and I'd call it behavior rather than a single incident since it sounds like he acted like an ass the year before, as well) at the request of others. I think the time has passed for curbing his shitty behavior because no one said anything while it was happening (he has probably rationalized or forgotten his actions by this point).

This is why I go back to making sure that you and your wife are on the same page. You can drop this dude from your life relatively painlessly, but you have a relationship with your wife. If she has a different read on what happened (unlikely) or doesn't think it is worth talking to the guy about, I'd drop it. If she thinks they are "couple friends" material, it is worth talking about and figuring out a good solution.

Right now, he is the one that behaved like and looks like an ass. Unless you see some great upside in confronting him (your wife is really hurt by the fact that you didn't "defend" her at the time, you guys value the friendship more than it appears, etc.), I think you only risk looking like an insecure husband and escalating the situation to a really uncomfortable level because he and his wife think it is "normal" to behave like that.

I am not understanding how confronting him would make me look insecure.

First, my wife has already made it known to me that this guy "kept dragging" her to the dance floor. This seems to indicate that some unhappiness with the guy and his behavior. Second, he makes the disrespectful comments out of the blue again directed at my wife with me present. Do I wait for the third strike whatever that may be? Especially when I don't see this sort of behavior as being normal behavior from the guy in any other situation? I am not saying that this guy would do something more aggressive towards my wife but I also am not willing to let him not be aware of my disapproval of his actions.

[Arles]

Originally Posted by Swaggs

I guess my question for the confrontation and "man to man" crowd is, "what is the motivation?" Is it to make you feel better about drawing a line? Is it to protect your wife's honor? Do you value the "friendly acquaintance" enough that you think the confrontation is going to change his behavior?

It doesn't sound like this is a valued friendship (or someone worth pursuing a friendship with) and the other alternatives are generally not going to lead to a good outcome unless your wife is on board, in my opinion. Grown men typically don't change their behavior (and I'd call it behavior rather than a single incident since it sounds like he acted like an ass the year before, as well) at the request of others. I think the time has passed for curbing his shitty behavior because no one said anything while it was happening (he has probably rationalized or forgotten his actions by this point).

This is why I go back to making sure that you and your wife are on the same page. You can drop this dude from your life relatively painlessly, but you have a relationship with your wife. If she has a different read on what happened (unlikely) or doesn't think it is worth talking to the guy about, I'd drop it. If she thinks they are "couple friends" material, it is worth talking about and figuring out a good solution.

Right now, he is the one that behaved like and looks like an ass. Unless you see some great upside in confronting him (your wife is really hurt by the fact that you didn't "defend" her at the time, you guys value the friendship more than it appears, etc.), I think you only risk looking like an insecure husband and escalating the situation to a really uncomfortable level because he and his wife think it is "normal" to behave like that.

I think if you say something in jest that checks him (ie, the "It's a shame both of you are married" comment I made above) - you are letting him know it's not cool without appearing too insecure. The only alternative is "letting it go" which will give him more confidence and keep the comments coming until it gets to a point where it really escalates and either causes more issues with you and him or even your wife.

There's this view that "the better man" turns the other cheek to this kind of BS - but that's not always the best solution. You can call out deuschbags talking about your wife in a way that doesn't make you seem super insecure and still get your point across. Again, not to be too judgmental here, but if I was in a group of 3 couples and one husband made a comment about the other's wife and he didn't have some kind of response - I may losing a little respect for him and think he was afraid to say anything. That impression, IMO, is much more damaging than appearing a little insecure - esp if that's the impression the guy making the comments has.

[boberot]

I guess I don't care if it makes me seem insecure or not, I'm not going to tolerate some d-bag whom I don't even consider a friend telling my girl that he wants to give her his meat. Especially in front of me and his wife, and especially considering there is some history to suggest that he's really not just joking.

It's not even a conscious decision, or something I would have to ponder: It is just wrong, and the kind of disrespect I could not tolerate. Probably nobody has called the guy out, so his behavior continues and gets more egregious.

Calling him out won't change him as a person, but I sure the*#&@ would expect that he would take his douchebaggery elsewhere, and not aim it at my girl.

[Chief Rum]

First off, I agree with everyone else's comments that this guy stepped way over the line, and you should not be concerned with jealousy.

Also, there is a distinct line with being complimentary about appearance (your wife is "smiking hot") and being suggestive of actions toward her (meat comment). The first you can put down as also reflective of you (since you "won" your wife's attentions and love), so you should take it as a compliment within reasonable bounds. The second is practically a statement of "I want to fuck your wife", and that goes from complimentary to threatening, one potential mate stomping on another's territory. You have the complete right to defend your territory.

My GF is very attractive, and she gets a lot of compliments (even when she privately tells me herself she feels overweight or has bad hair or feels like she looks blah, sheesh, women ). These are often made to her with me directly in front of her, but always in a socially acceptable manner. These have never bothered me, because, like I said above, I view it as complementary. I have not seen someone be so aggressive as this guy you're talking about, at least toward my GF with me present, although it's probably because my GF and I are very obvious in our affections for each other (my arm around her waist, she leans against me, etc.). But I have no doubt if someone made that comment, I would take affront to it, and if possible, me and my GF would extricate ourselves from that social group and move somewhere else. In your case, that doesn't sound like it would have been socially possible, so you're stuck with your current situation.

If I were you, I would ask myself what kind of relationship I have with my wife. Am I overtly protective of her? Do I order food for her for instance? Am I clearly the decision-maker? Or is it very much a partnership? Do we seek each other's opinions before making key decisions? Do we go everywhere together or spend a lot of time apart?

If you are the more classic dominant male type (the first type), I think you should not consult your wife, but go to the man in question and have a private, cordial talk with him, and not in front of his wife. After you have done so, I would let my wife know that that conversation happened. In the roles, you would have established, that is what she would expect you to do. She views you as her protector and it is your "job" to protect her from guys like this. To go to her about it before that, would only make you seem weak.

If you are the more common couple nowadays, where you are in a mutually supportive partnership, where neither of you take a dominant role in your relationship, then I would definitely go to her first. I would expalin how I feel and that I want to do something, and what I want to do, and then ask for her opinion and how she feels about the guy's behavior and what you want to do. Then come to a conclusion together about how to handle it. If you were to go to the guy and handle this directly without consulting her when you normally do consult with her, she would view that move as excluding her from what has become your "partnership agreement" as a couple.

Good luck, man, this stuff sucks to deal with. That guy was being a total douche (although we have all said stupid stuff when drunk).

[CraigSca]

What kind of a guy thinks it's a good idea to tell someone that they "dirty danced" with their wife the previous year? Seriously, what thought went into that process?

[BrianD]

Originally Posted by CraigSca

What kind of a guy thinks it's a good idea to tell someone that they "dirty danced" with their wife the previous year? Seriously, what thought went into that process?

The kind of guy who is unhappy with his own life and gets small joy out of making passive-aggressive intrusions into what he views as a happy life.

[Julio Riddols]

Originally Posted by Mizzou B-ball fan

I always get a pretty good chuckle out of some of the responses to emotionally-charged posts such as this one. You get a pretty good feel for a person's general demeanor based on how they say they would handle the situation.

This makes me curious for your assessment, because I feel the same way.

[Dreghorn2]

Ok, have to comment on this one.

Everyone has their own opinions and i do not want anyone to think that i don't respect their views.

There is absolutely no way someone could make that sort of comment to my wife, in front of me, where i would not respond immediately in such a fashion that there would be no uncertainity, going forward, that she will never hear such a comment again.

As to what that response would be i can't say definately because i wasn't there, don't know the full details of the relationships involved, etc.. but it would be 'i'm pissed, that is not cool, and if it happens again there will be consequences' in the mode of the delivery and the substance.

I should add as an edit, that the consequences i'm suggesting would begin at disassociating ourselves with the individual completely if his response wasn't what i wanted to hear, however it would all depend on him... (i'm not advocating going immediately to the mattresses)
,
I work in an industrial environment and jokes and comments are common place, but everyone knows what lines not to cross, and everyone is completely aware that when in the presence of wives, drunk or sober, stuff simply isn't said.

By the way, my wife would be very disappointed if i didn't respond to a comment like that directed her way, and she is no wallflower i assure you.

[MalcPow]

It sounds like you made the joke most are suggesting and tried to defuse things as best you could in the situation. That's about as much as you could have asked of yourself. Nobody normal walks around with their guns up for stuff like this. Feel free and even justified to be more wary and observant in the future, prepared to deflect or deal with things if they get strange. It does sound more like you are fixating on some scattered moments over the course of hours spent with this couple than a persistent tension that needs to be addressed though. And I say that mostly because you aren't telling us that the group was uncomfortable, feel free to correct or reconsider. People try to be funny and playful, often failing pretty miserably. This will color how you approach social stuff with them in the future, but it wouldn't be close to a point where I would contrive a confrontation.

[Arles]

As I think more about this, I would try to look forward and try to diffuse this. Just keep an eye out when you all are together and if he makes another crude comment, I would flat out say:

"We get it, you have the hots for my wife. So, I think it's time you cool it."

IMO, this ends his crazy behavior. If he is just socially inept and didn't realize he was being inappropriate, that comment lets he know he crossed the line. If instead he's simply a garden variety deusch, he will learn not to make the comments in front of you and the problem will also be solved. I think that's the best you can do - but you can't let it continue.

[Suicane75]

Originally Posted by MalcPow

It sounds like you made the joke most are suggesting and tried to defuse things as best you could in the situation. That's about as much as you could have asked of yourself. Nobody normal walks around with their guns up for stuff like this. Feel free and even justified to be more wary and observant in the future, prepared to deflect or deal with things if they get strange. It does sound more like you are fixating on some scattered moments over the course of hours spent with this couple than a persistent tension that needs to be addressed though. And I say that mostly because you aren't telling us that the group was uncomfortable, feel free to correct or reconsider. People try to be funny and playful, often failing pretty miserably. This will color how you approach social stuff with them in the future, but it wouldn't be close to a point where I would contrive a confrontation.

A thousand times this. Ya'll are re imaging this as if the guy walked up cold sober and told him he was gonna fuck his wife. It was a social gathering with drinking going on, it's clear everyone was joking with each other (not to the extreme this guy took it too, granted). There appears to be no need for JC to escalate the situation on his own with bravado. Now, if the calm and rationale approach doesn't work and even sober the guy is a dickhead, well then.........

[corbes]

Don Draper was capable of handling this situation in one sentence if I recall correctly.

[Swaggs]

Originally Posted by miami_fan

I am not understanding how confronting him would make me look insecure.

First, my wife has already made it known to me that this guy "kept dragging" her to the dance floor. This seems to indicate that some unhappiness with the guy and his behavior. Second, he makes the disrespectful comments out of the blue again directed at my wife with me present. Do I wait for the third strike whatever that may be? Especially when I don't see this sort of behavior as being normal behavior from the guy in any other situation? I am not saying that this guy would do something more aggressive towards my wife but I also am not willing to let him not be aware of my disapproval of his actions.

To me, the time has come and past to make him aware that you disapprove of his actions. Something disrespectful appears to have happened last year (the dirty dancing) and it wasn't brought up until now? Something disrespectful happened a few days ago and you are still stewing it over?

If the guy was sorry he would have called and apologized. He wouldn't joke about it a year later. He would have taken the cue when joking disapproval was made. If the wife was sorry or appalled by the her husband, she would have called to smooth things over. That tells me that this is normal behavior from this guy (and accepted by his wife).

So, again -- what is your motivation?

You aren't going to change this guy's behavior if he and his wife find it perfectly acceptable. I think it sounds like this couple appear to be comfortable with this type of behavior and from their perspective, it is their "normal (again, otherwise they would apologize or smooth things over -- most of us have probably done so after drinking too much in the past)." To them, they were probably having a good time and joking around, even though most of us find it wildly inappropriate.

If you are internalizing it and it is bugging you enough that you feel the need to do something at this point (days later), it is for you (or potentially you and your wife), so you talk it over with your wife and see what the pros and cons are. You can go kick his ass caveman style, go demand an insincere apology, go lay down some rules and hope he learns his lesson this time (unless you don't trust your wife or you think he's going to do something criminal, what is the point?), or just let it go and avoid future social outings (particularly when alcohol is involved).

If the guy has done it twice and is unapologetic (and appears to think it is funny), I'd make sure things were good with the person that matters (wife) and avoid anything beyond a superficial relationship.

As a side, one thing that should be looked at is combining a school fundraiser with alcohol. If something uncomfortable has happened two years in a row, I would bring it up to the organizer and let them know that I won't be participating next time.

[Arles]

Originally Posted by Suicane75

A thousand times this. Ya'll are re imaging this as if the guy walked up cold sober and told him he was gonna fuck his wife. It was a social gathering with drinking going on, it's clear everyone was joking with each other (not to the extreme this guy took it too, granted). There appears to be no need for JC to escalate the situation on his own with bravado. Now, if the calm and rationale approach doesn't work and even sober the guy is a dickhead, well then.........

This is the part that makes me think we are in the second case:

Like I said the guy is drunk and having a typical drunk conversation. At one point he tells my wife how, "Smoking hot!" she looks tonight (she did look good.). We all laugh it off and I make a joke of apologizing to his wife for him.

Later, my wife is talking about how she wants me to start hunting again because she wants me to bring home some meat. Husband from the other couple responds," I could give you some meat". Everybody laughs at his crude joke. The night finishes without incident.

Obviously, JC did the correct thing in bringing it to everyone's attention in a socially graceful manner. However, this did nothing to dissuade the guy from making an even worse comment later that night. So, IMO, he needs a clearer (and somewhat confrontational) message.

Originally Posted by Swaggs

If the guy has done it twice and is unapologetic (and appears to think it is funny), I'd make sure things were good with the person that matters (wife) and avoid anything beyond a superficial relationship.

Then you make sure he knows it's not funny from you and your wife's perspective. All of us deal with aggravating DBags throughout life. Some you have to suffer (ie, family) others you can call out. From my perspective, if he's going to think it's funny to make these comments around me and my wife, I'm going to make sure he feels very uncomfortable after each comment. Eventually, he will slow down the comments (or even stop) or choose to stop hanging around me. Either way, problem solved.

[Suicane75]

Bringing it to his attention by shooting a joke back and asking him not to do it are two different things. I would treat the whole night as 1 incident.

[Arles]

The point is I think JC has made it clear he doesn't appreciate the comments. If this guy does it again, a more direct comment is needed. If he doesn't, then the joke served its purpose and everyone is happy.

[miami_fan]

Originally Posted by Swaggs

To me, the time has come and past to make him aware that you disapprove of his actions. Something disrespectful appears to have happened last year (the dirty dancing) and it wasn't brought up until now? Something disrespectful happened a few days ago and you are still stewing it over?

If the guy was sorry he would have called and apologized. He wouldn't joke about it a year later. He would have taken the cue when joking disapproval was made. If the wife was sorry or appalled by the her husband, she would have called to smooth things over. That tells me that this is normal behavior from this guy (and accepted by his wife).

So, again -- what is your motivation?

You aren't going to change this guy's behavior if he and his wife find it perfectly acceptable. I think it sounds like this couple appear to be comfortable with this type of behavior and from their perspective, it is their "normal (again, otherwise they would apologize or smooth things over -- most of us have probably done so after drinking too much in the past)." To them, they were probably having a good time and joking around, even though most of us find it wildly inappropriate.

If you are internalizing it and it is bugging you enough that you feel the need to do something at this point (days later), it is for you (or potentially you and your wife), so you talk it over with your wife and see what the pros and cons are. You can go kick his ass caveman style, go demand an insincere apology, go lay down some rules and hope he learns his lesson this time (unless you don't trust your wife or you think he's going to do something criminal, what is the point?), or just let it go and avoid future social outings (particularly when alcohol is involved).

If the guy has done it twice and is unapologetic (and appears to think it is funny), I'd make sure things were good with the person that matters (wife) and avoid anything beyond a superficial relationship.

As a side, one thing that should be looked at is combining a school fundraiser with alcohol. If something uncomfortable has happened two years in a row, I would bring it up to the organizer and let them know that I won't be participating next time.

But based on what JC has said before, this is only normal when it comes to his wife.

I have seen this guy drinking/ socializng now in three different settings including when my wife wasnt there and I have never seen him do this with any other women. I think it might not bother me as much if this was his M.O. With everybody and not just my wife. I have had friends who are the flirty type but they have been flirty or inappropriate with everybody when drunk. This feels a little different.

So without knowing anymore than what has been been presented to us in this thread, this is not just douche behavior but it is douche that is only directed at JC's wife. This "normal" behavior only seems to come out when JC's wife is present. So it is not about changing his normal behavior or his drunk behavior. It would be about changing his behavior as directed towards JC's wife. Why must his wife be the one to be the object of this type of behavior and just let it go? Again, no one is talking about kicking anyone's ass.

[Suicane75]

TBF, 3 times is not a lot. It could also be that he feels more comfortable with JC and his wife. Could just be that he feels it's cool. I dunno.

[SteveMax58]

Originally Posted by Suicane75

TBF, 3 times is not a lot. It could also be that he feels more comfortable with JC and his wife. Could just be that he feels it's cool. I dunno.

This plus social ineptitude could be the case here. You'd have to know if this guy is kind of awkward in a lot of settings to be certain.

I know I've seen guys like this who make comments to wives of husbands they feel comfortable with just to be funny. They have a real bad sense of appropriateness but they don't actually realize it without a side conversation like "Hey man, that comment you made...don't say stupid sh!t like that especially around the wives and other people. It sounds like you're trying to punk me whereas I know you aren't." Thats usually handles those types.

But there are those guys that are willing to "challenge" other guys if they feel like they can. That is likely the mental image most of the "confrontation" crowd is thinking of. And I would agree, I'd make it very clear that the comment is not only unwanted by everybody...but that he is lame for even saying something like that.

Of course...option 3 that I haven't seen anybody bring up...him & his wife could be swingers and simply trying to recruit you guys.