The Concert and the Essay (A Relationship Story)

[ISiddiqui]

This is where I think Autumn's post captures it perfectly (and is where my main aggravation stems):

Originally Posted by Autumn

I think it was definitely inconsiderate not to be clear much earlier that there was going to be a problem. If you think she really wanted to go, and wasn't just putting off telling you so it could be "Oh dang, turns out I can't go". If that's not the case, then yeah it seems rude to me not to be clear a day or two ahead of time "It's looking like I may not be able to go."

The GF and I are just vastly different on this aspect. I consider myself over-considerate - for example I text people if I'm going to be even 5 minutes late and am very apologetic when I arrive (Yes, I am very persnickety when it comes to manners in that way). While one of my GF's fav phrases (until I told her how much it annoyed me) was "It's not like the world ended" when minorly inconveniencing other folks (which to me is fairly scandalous - just because its a minor inconvenience doesn't mean that it doesn't affect that other person). It's a very different mindset and it clashes more than few times.

[Drake]

This is really not unrelated:

I've been married to my wife for 20+ years. I've never thrown away any of my clothes. You know why? Because when I try, she says, "Put them in a bag for Goodwill."

We've never dropped clothes off at Goodwill.

I have a pole barn full of bags of clothes that are one day bound for Goodwill.

[JonInMiddleGA]

Originally Posted by Izulde

4. So Imran may have to go to a concert by himself. So what? Honestly, if somebody can't go to a concert by themselves because they'll be bored waiting around for the set, then they're either not that big of a fan, emotionally high maintenance, or both. I've gone to tons of shit by myself and I've never been bored.

Honestly, this.

The other aspects of the situation aside, there's a 0.0 percent chance this would have ever stopped me from seeing someone I was dead set on seeing.

[molson]

Originally Posted by Danny

The essay is about 100 times more important in general than the concert.

That's only relevant if it could only be one or the other. There was plenty of time of both, and even if the ball is dropped there, plenty of time to give your boyfriend a heads-up before he has to stressfully force it out of you the night before. And of course, after all this, she finishes the whole thing an hour after he leaves for the concert, in time to do an activity that she wants to do. Again, I just imagine that playing out with the genders reversed and I think there's a completely different tone to it. Not unforgivable, but I think it'd be tough to be in a relationship if this was a regular thing.

[DaddyTorgo]

Originally Posted by molson

That's only relevant if it could only be one or the other. There was plenty of time of both, and even if the ball is dropped there, plenty of time to give your boyfriend a heads-up before he has to stressfully force it out of you the night before. And of course, after all this, she finishes the whole thing an hour after he leaves for the concert, in time to do an activity that she wants to do. Again, I just imagine that playing out with the genders reversed and I think there's a completely different tone to it. Not unforgivable, but I think it'd be tough to be in a relationship if this was a regular thing.

Yeah...this.

[Danny]

Originally Posted by molson

That's only relevant if it could only be one or the other. There was plenty of time of both, and even if the ball is dropped there, plenty of time to give your boyfriend a heads-up before he has to stressfully force it out of you the night before. And of course, after all this, she finishes the whole thing an hour after he leaves for the concert, in time to do an activity that she wants to do. Again, I just imagine that playing out with the genders reversed and I think there's a completely different tone to it. Not unforgivable, but I think it'd be tough to be in a relationship if this was a regular thing.

In my case if the genders were reversed my wife would support me and offer to help or even make me dinner or get me some snacks if she thought they would help.

Of course issidiqui should consider if the person he is with is right for him, but I do think some of the viewpoints presented here would make it hard to have a healthy loving long term relationship with someone

[CU Tiger]

Originally Posted by ISiddiqui

So update. I was planning on staying around and helping or rather not going if someone didn't show up at the last second because if I don't know someone at an event, I can get some massive social anxiety (it isn't just "man up" people, really).

Anyway, she kept saying you should go! It's your favorite band and you should at least see them. Her sister was over and helping with the essay as soon as she got off work and I had already missed the opening act (no big deal), so around 8, I decided to go - though almost had a panic attack in the car on the way over (like I said MASSIVE social anxiety). But I got there and it was great!

However, about 9:15, I get a text saying the essay is being sent to a friend of mine for a review and she's going over a friend's birthday party!!! We had told this birthday friend that we may not be able to attend his party or attend it late due to the concert. In her view, she couldn't finish the essay if she went to the concert, but when she was done with the essay, there was no reason not to go to the birthday party. I am just a way different person, I think, because if I was ducking out of my SO's event because I was getting something done, I wouldn't go somewhere else if I finished a bit early (not even out to the bar)! I can understand what she is saying logically, but not emotionally at all!

Definitely was happy for her and was in a celebratory mood, but I am not good at hiding emotion and it was not long after she got home (I got home from the concert before she did from the party) she asked what was wrong...

Anyways, we talked, said we were sorry for hurting the other person even though we have absolutely no clue what in the world they are thinking and that's that.

I know there was no intentional malice, but definitely had a feeling of emotional manipulation or at least unease at that whole turn of events.

I think Drake has got some good questions about whether it is something I can live with in the procrastination aspects.

Suburban Rhythm is also right is this isn't the first time something like this has happened - this is merely the biggest one so far.

Wow...

I'm glad it worked out for you, I suppose.

But the birthday party deal would have been a huge issue for me.

Maybe I am overly sensitive, maybe I am wrong..I dont know. But just reading this made my heart sink and my BP rise. The combination of these two incidents would be a relationship breaker for anything short of already married and would severly damage even that.


I am not in any way suggesting it should be that big of an issue, only saying it would be to me and, I suppose, affirming that your emotional reaction isnt unique

[molson]

Originally Posted by Danny

In my case if the genders were reversed my wife would support me and offer to help or even make me dinner or get me some snacks if she thought they would help.

Of course issidiqui should consider if the person he is with is right for him, but I do think some of the viewpoints presented here would make it hard to have a healthy loving long term relationship with someone

Maybe this is a geography thing, or a type of woman thing, but this continues to fascinate me. If your wife planned a special date for you for 6 months, and you bailed the night before because you didn't do something you could have done a month earlier, and you went out with your buddies that same night - she'd be OK with it? And you'd do that to her? That just sounds like a huge mutual lack of respect and selfishness to me, but if it works for two people, than I'm in no place to judge. (Though in ISiddiqui's case, I'm not sure it works for him, and I completely understand why).

[Danny]

Originally Posted by molson

Maybe this is a geography thing, or a type of woman thing, but this continues to fascinate me. If your wife planned a special date for you for 6 months, and you bailed the night before because you didn't do something you could have done a month earlier, and you went out with your buddies that same night - she'd be OK with it? And you'd do that to her? That just sounds like a huge mutual lack of respect and selfishness to me, but if it works for two people, than I'm in no place to judge. (Though in ISiddiqui's case, I'm not sure it works for him, and I completely understand why).

Well I missed the going out with friends part, so no neither of us would have done that. I would have tried to join my spouse or celebrate with them. but you seem to be placing increased importance on the concert and decreased importance on the essay compared to what I would. I don't know issidiquis girlfriend so I don't know if there is equal give and take, but sure We both have procrastinated something important that changed our plans. It wasn't a big deal for either of us, there's always another dinner, concert, game etc....

[Izulde]

Originally Posted by ISiddiqui

S
However, about 9:15, I get a text saying the essay is being sent to a friend of mine for a review and she's going over a friend's birthday party!!! We had told this birthday friend that we may not be able to attend his party or attend it late due to the concert. In her view, she couldn't finish the essay if she went to the concert, but when she was done with the essay, there was no reason not to go to the birthday party. I am just a way different person, I think, because if I was ducking out of my SO's event because I was getting something done, I wouldn't go somewhere else if I finished a bit early (not even out to the bar)! I can understand what she is saying logically, but not emotionally at all!

No offense dude, the bolded has me thinking even more you're emotionally high maintenance. Granted, that's just who you are, but it's a good thing to be aware of.

Unfortunately, I don't have too much sympathy for the social anxiety bit. I have the same thing to the point where I'm completely silent and tense in 90% of all social situations whether I know people or not (and thus tend to give off a creeper vibe), but I still go to stuff by myself. It's called concentrating on the event and enjoying the people/surroundings observations the pre-event and event itself affords.

That said, I do see an issue with her going to the party - Did she at least check to see if there was a way she could have gotten into the concert late? If she didn't, then yeah, that is completely inconsiderate on her part and something even I would ask about.

[molson]

Originally Posted by Danny

but you seem to be placing increased importance on the concert and decreased importance on the essay compared to what I would.

To me, it has zero to do with the comparative importance of the two things. There was time for both. There's always something more important. If I don't get my work done during the week, I have to do it on the weekend. In those scenarios, work is always more important than whatever I have planned. But if have plans with someone else, especially a girlfriend, then I need to make sure that's one of those weeks where I get my shit done before the weekend. That shows her that I consider those dates and time with her important.

In a different kind of relationship where it's not a big deal to break plans like that, do you make plans in advance as much? ISiddiqui says he'll be a little more reluctant to now and I think I understand that. I think I know a few couples that always seem to be not showing up at things at the last minute, I wonder if that's the mindset there. It just doesn't matter to either of them.

I think maybe I was "trained" by my longest relationship, in which the woman was really, really adamant and emotional and sensitive about keeping your plans and demonstrating your priorities. It was tough at first and I fucked up a lot, but once I got used to it, I think I picked up a lot of habits that other women really appreciate. Like, the week to procrastinate at work is the week you're going out drinking with your guy friends at the end of it, not the week you have a date with your girlfriend. That is just ingrained in me. Maybe there's a lot of women that wouldn't care if I reversed that, and cancelled plans with them, but I think a lot of women like that mindset too, and now, it's just second-nature.

[molson]

Dola, it's kind of an interesting split on opinions here. ISiddiqui/molson/DT/CU Tiger/Autumn v. Izulde/Danny/digamma/Marc Vaughan/Logan/MrBug708 (Roughly). No obvious similarities on those "teams". I think this is an area where we're all individually influenced by women in our lives and our relationship history. Or maybe it's just sensitivity. I admit I'm definitely way on the more sensitive side when it comes to this stuff.

[Izulde]

What's even more interesting is that some of this is situation specific. For example, I also do the texting/contacting thing if I think I'm going to be even as much as 5 minutes late, and in general strive to be to places 10-15 minutes early if possible.

[Draft Dodger]

Originally Posted by CU Tiger

Wow...

I'm glad it worked out for you, I suppose.

But the birthday party deal would have been a huge issue for me.

Maybe I am overly sensitive, maybe I am wrong..I dont know. But just reading this made my heart sink and my BP rise. The combination of these two incidents would be a relationship breaker for anything short of already married and would severly damage even that.


I am not in any way suggesting it should be that big of an issue, only saying it would be to me and, I suppose, affirming that your emotional reaction isnt unique

Call my a cynic, but when I read the first post it immediately felt to me like she was playing you - clearly making up an excuse to get out of the concert (can't say I blame her...sheesh, Arcade Fire?). And then to have her bail on the concert and then an hour later go to some party? Feels like she orchestrated this whole thing. Hopefully, not for any reason more sinister than she just didn't want to go to the concert.

[ISiddiqui]

Originally Posted by CU Tiger

Wow...

I'm glad it worked out for you, I suppose.

But the birthday party deal would have been a huge issue for me.

Maybe I am overly sensitive, maybe I am wrong..I dont know. But just reading this made my heart sink and my BP rise. The combination of these two incidents would be a relationship breaker for anything short of already married and would severly damage even that.


I am not in any way suggesting it should be that big of an issue, only saying it would be to me and, I suppose, affirming that your emotional reaction isnt unique

Thanks, I appreciate that. I had to talk on the phone to one of my close female friends (don't worry, she's married and they are both close to the gf as well) to calm down after that. The friend affirmed that she could see it both ways (though she really affirmed that I wasn't wrong for feeling what I was feeling), that perhaps she was so happy to get done, she wanted to blow off steam. Talking to the friend helped me calm down. However, the gf didn't try to get to the concert late, though the reason there makes some sense - she doesn't have a car, and her sister was already going up to that party. I still don't think it is the right thing to do. I tend to follow the avoid even the appearance of evil line of thinking.

When we did talk she looked me straight in the eye and said "I wanted to go to the concert with you more than anything last night" and I don't think she was lying. But she doesn't have very good long term planning and she's very "in the moment" - she basically didn't give it a second thought that the essay is done, I missed the window for the concert, well, I can still go to this birthday party - and didn't see anything wrong with it. Which I don't understand, but she doesn't understand my point (kept saying, I couldn't make the concert, and then I finished... so what is the problem).

Just at completely different understandings. I wonder if its a geographical / raised up with thing. I'm from NJ with immigrant parents - you made plans, you stuck to them, and you didn't do anything that indicated that you were blowing people off. She's from Montana and has even mentioned that Atlanta can be too formal for her (!!). We both enjoyed watching "Seinfeld" but for different reasons I suspect - I totally sympathized with the main cast of New Yorkers who were trying to enforce obvious manners and ran into folks who didn't care a whit about them, while I'm betting that she saw it as crazy New Yorkers trying to enforce strange rules and manners on things. I dunno, this is wild ass speculation and I may just be Britta-ing it (Community reference).

[CU Tiger]

Originally Posted by Draft Dodger

Call my a cynic, but when I read the first post it immediately felt to me like she was playing you - clearly making up an excuse to get out of the concert (can't say I blame her...sheesh, Arcade Fire?). And then to have her bail on the concert and then an hour later go to some party? Feels like she orchestrated this whole thing. Hopefully, not for any reason more sinister than she just didn't want to go to the concert.

If you are a cynic, Im right there with you

************************************
Edit: I walked away and came back and posted this, THEN saw Issi last post.

I think to me this is just about placing value on other's time, feelings, emotions, etc.

She can't say she wanted to go to the concert more than anything. She didnt want it more than she wanted to procrastinate the paper. She didnt want it more than she wanted sleep Thursday night...Hell she didnt want it more than she wanted the scholarship (this one, and only this one I totally get)...and I am enough of an asshole I'd have called her on the more than anything statement with that exact retort as soon as she said it.

Though to be fair, I am the type of guy who always places more value on other people's thoughts, feelings, wants than I do my own. However I am also very out spoken about how I feel and if I am pissed, hurt, wronged, disappointed I will tell the other person damn near immediately nearly always.

It is good that you have other people to talk to that know each of you as that can help ease the mind from jumping down unnecessary rabbit holes.

[Danny]

My opinion has changed a bit with the updates. I probably would have been upset with the updated information.

First thing I would have done after finishing is call my SO and let them know and then see how we could celebrate under the circumstances, especially knowing that the essay caused me to miss our plans. Did she call you to check in with you?

[ISiddiqui]

Originally Posted by CU Tiger

I think to me this is just about placing value on other's time, feelings, emotions, etc.

This is it in a nutshell, IMO. I agree in total with the rest of your post as well[/quote]

Originally Posted by Danny

First thing I would have done after finishing is call my SO and let them know and then see how we could celebrate under the circumstances, especially knowing that the essay caused me to miss our plans. Did she call you to check in with you?

She sent me a text when I was the concert saying she had sent off the paper for review to our friend and she was going to the party to wish the birthday guy good wishes while waiting on the paper to be sent back. I assumed (always bad to do, yes) that she'd go over for like a half hour and then come back to finish. I didn't realize she brought the laptop over with her - something about her sister who was driving her to and fro the party wanted to look at the revisions and revise them before they were submitted, and her sister was leaving for the party. So I came back home and no one was there and I texted her... um, where are you. Still at the party... but she left to come back after I texted her. Though she thought that I wouldn't get back until midnight (I mean, which band actually starts their show on time! Canadians! ) so the fault is shared there for me not telling her I was coming back.

[JonInMiddleGA]

While I was critical of the whole wasn't-gonna-go-to-the-show bit (and I'm genuinely happy that you did, that's emotionally healthy decision making IMO), I will say that the whole b-day party afterwards thing strikes me as a pretty serious boneheaded decision on her part.

[PurdueBrad]

Yeah, I agree with JIMGA here, I will give her the benefit of the double by saying it was a bone-headed move on her part but it certainly rings selfish/self-centered a bit which is the vibe that I got from other parts of the story.

[Galaxy]

Originally Posted by Izulde

You guys are treating this scholarship essay way too cavalierly IMO. It's a full ride, so it's a major deal, considering the average cost of a seminary degree is between $35,000 - $50,000. A half-assed slapdash job like y'all are suggesting is a surefire way to sink her.

Originally Posted by Izulde

I mean, on the one hand you've got people going all "Oh that's nothing - 600 word essay should totally be able to knock out in a couple of hours" and then people are all like "It's such a big deal that she didn't work on it sooner that this is something Imran needs to worry about for the future."
.

But she is going to knock it in a couple of hours...because that's all she has time left. You're arguing that she shouldn't be cavalier about this and it shouldn't be a slapdash job, but then you argue that she's facing a deadline that is just within a few hours, so she needs to take it seriously.

The price of tickets is irrelevant. The fact that he likes the band or not is irrelevant. It's the commitment. Is this an one-time thing? Does she change or bail a lot on other things? If so, this is the underlying issue here, because while this incident sucks, I get the feeling it's not an one-off thing to start a thread with this as an example.

Originally Posted by Izulde

the bolded has me thinking even more you're emotionally high maintenance.

Get off your high horse. I think his reaction is pretty normal for a guy. The birthday party thing would of kind pissed me off, and I'm assuming it would for any person (male or female). Quite honestly, Draft Dodger kind of hit it on the head...it felt strange how it played out. Did she really want to go to the birthday party instead of the concert in the first place?

[CraigSca]

Probably over-valuing this, but for me this story really struck home for me.

When I was in a relationship a long, long time ago (1991-1994), things like this started happening. Things like... I would be on a business trip and she and I made plans to get together as soon as I got home. Instead of heading home to unpack, I went directly to her apartment (inconvenience for me, but hey, we made plans!) and she wasn't there (WTF?). Sat around for an hour while her sister called her and tried to get in touch with her. Never did, went home and finally got a call later that night apologizing profusely, blah, blah, blah. I didn't realize it at the time, but this was but one example of the beginning of the end.

Reading your story - all i could think was, does she even LIKE you? Who the heck does this to someone? For me - the birthday party attendance felt like 1994 for me. You make plans with someone, you live up to them. You make plans with your SO, you REALLY live up to them. Sure life gets in the way sometimes (and I would totally understand if she had heard about the essay on Monday of that week or something), and you do your best, but the combination of falling asleep, then getting it done shortly after you leave and then attending a birthday party just reeks of "I'd rather be somewhere else."

Again, hope I'm reading more into this, but this is the only snapshot of the relationship you've shared with us.

[molson]

Originally Posted by Galaxy

Did she really want to go to the birthday party instead of the concert in the first place?

It's hard not to wonder that. I imagine this scenario where her and her sister are actually scheming this and this is the plan to get to the party and not the concert. Maybe that's too cynical, and maybe it's unlikely that's how it went down, but when you go to the birthday party after all this, you can encourage thoughts like that, which can be just as bad. If you genuinely have extra time you didn't expect, get your ass to the concert if it's still possible, or setup a big surprise post-concert party at home with booze and food and such. ("I felt bad about what happened, so I wanted to show you that, and how important you are")

[sabotai]

With each update, and I understand the trap of only getting the story from one side, it seems worse. In the OP, I did think Imran was kinda being a little over sensitive. The second update about managing to get the thing done in time to go to the party which happened to be just an hour after Imran left for the concert sounded kinda fishy.

Now in the last update, it turns out the essay wasn't even done.

she basically didn't give it a second thought that the essay is done, I missed the window for the concert, well, I can still go to this birthday party - and didn't see anything wrong with it. Which I don't understand

I'll be honest, at least in this isolated moment, I do understand that logic. But then you said:

I didn't realize she brought the laptop over with her - something about her sister who was driving her to and fro the party wanted to look at the revisions and revise them before they were submitted, and her sister was leaving for the party.

So it wasn't even done! She sent it to a friend to proofread and then when she got the 'go ahead', was then going to submit it. If her sister wanted to help her so much, she should have told the people at the party that she'd either be late or miss the party because she was helping her sister with something important. Not "dragged" her to the party. (I put dragged in quotes because I somehow doubt there was much coercing on her sister's part).

This might just be me, but if I have something very important to get done, I don't do anything that could jeopardize getting it done until it's done. I understand procrastination, I went through all levels of schooling doing that with just about everything. But if I ever found myself in a similar series of events that led up to having to finish writing something that day, that means my ass is parked in that chair at home until it is completely finished.

I don't get very emotional about things. I'm probably more like his gf, where I just think "well, it's not the end of the world" and move on - at least, when it comes to things happening to me. I definitely go out of my way not to inconvenience others, and I certainly would not say "it's not like the world ended" if anyone objected to something I did or said.

I don't get very "up" for concerts, but if there was a similar type of event that I was excited for and similar events leading up to it played out, I probably would have just thought "oh well, I'll just by myself" or not had gone at all. After all, it's not like it's the end of the world. But say I go by myself, and then an hour after getting there I get texted "Finally got it done, heading out to blow off steam" I would have raised an eyebrow but then have gone back to doing what I was doing. I can understand why the pressure to get it done before the event might have brought about anxiety and writer's block, and when that pressure had lifted, the anxiety was lifted with it.

It's that last piece. This essay was so important, but she wasn't even finished when she left. She takes a laptop to a party where any number of issues could have come up to prevent her from finishing and submitting the essay in time. That part really jumps out at me.

It might sound silly to some people for others to deconstruct this so much, but this is clearly a symptom of a much larger issue. This wasn't "about some concert", this was about Imran's pattern recognition machine called his brain noticing an issue with his girlfriend. Yeah, we're just getting one side of this story, but if the order of events is at least accurate, she seems to completely lack forethought. And he says as much, saying that she's very "in the moment".

But that's not an excuse. I'm far more "in the moment" than I'm not, and living your life like that is perfectly fine when you're single. It doesn't fly so much when you're in a relationship and you need to adjust or you'll frequently run into issues like this.

So either one of two things has to happen. Either she changes and starts taking long term commitments more seriously and realizes that she needs to plan things out better (I call this the "wishful thinking" option), or Imran decides that this is just a part of her personality, it's not going to change, and he either stops making long term plans for things he wants to do or he needs to make sure to have a back-up plan for the times when she flakes out.

[JonInMiddleGA]

Originally Posted by sabotai

So either one of two things has to happen. Either she changes and starts taking long term commitments more seriously and realizes that she needs to plan things out better (I call this the "wishful thinking" option), or Imran decides that this is just a part of her personality, it's not going to change, and he either stops making long term plans for things he wants to do or he needs to make sure to have a back-up plan for the times when she flakes out.

Or you do what, ultimately, my wife & I have both done: deal with the reality that what interests one doesn't interest the other & satisfy those needs independent of the s.o.

Aside from things related to/connected to our child, I honestly can't even come close to telling you the last event we both attended with relatively mutual interest (I'm not counting funerals, work related stuff, etc). I can't even tell you the last TV show we had in common aside from some live sports. The number of truly mutual friends that are relatively equally friends to both of us is almost certainly single digits & largely numbers people 20 years our junior who have only ever known us as a couple (and almost see us like quasi-parental figures).

And yet somehow we're still married 20 years later.

[molson]

Originally Posted by JonInMiddleGA

Or you do what, ultimately, my wife & I have both done: deal with the reality that what interests one doesn't interest the other & satisfy those needs independent of the s.o.

Do you your tell your wife what things don't interest you, or do you claim interest and then back out the day before?

[JonInMiddleGA]

Originally Posted by molson

Do you your tell your wife what things don't interest you, or do you claim interest and then back out the day before?

Hey, I said "ultimately" didn't I?

(i.e. we finally figured out that doing stuff the other truly had no interest in accomplished little except making one person fairly miserable and then trading miseries as some sort of bizarro payback scheme)

[Izulde]

Originally Posted by ISiddiqui

This is it in a nutshell, IMO. I agree in total with the rest of your post as well

She sent me a text when I was the concert saying she had sent off the paper for review to our friend and she was going to the party to wish the birthday guy good wishes while waiting on the paper to be sent back. I assumed (always bad to do, yes) that she'd go over for like a half hour and then come back to finish. I didn't realize she brought the laptop over with her - something about her sister who was driving her to and fro the party wanted to look at the revisions and revise them before they were submitted, and her sister was leaving for the party..

Okay, yeah, I can't defend on her that one at all. That's completely inexcusable. One does not go to a party while they wait for revisions on an essay this important and this time-crunchy. They do something at home to relax while they wait for the return email to pop up so they can finish their final draft.

[booradley]

Originally Posted by ISiddiqui

This is where I think Autumn's post captures it perfectly (and is where my main aggravation stems):



The GF and I are just vastly different on this aspect. I consider myself over-considerate - for example I text people if I'm going to be even 5 minutes late and am very apologetic when I arrive (Yes, I am very persnickety when it comes to manners in that way). While one of my GF's fav phrases (until I told her how much it annoyed me) was "It's not like the world ended" when minorly inconveniencing other folks (which to me is fairly scandalous - just because its a minor inconvenience doesn't mean that it doesn't affect that other person). It's a very different mindset and it clashes more than few times.

Your POV is correct and I am heartened to hear it. Courtesy is a lost art. I have friends who will keep me waiting without a word for 20-30 minutes, then show up without the slightest apology. I would be ashamed of myself to act in such a way.

[ISiddiqui]

So, the girlfriend has been adamant that she wanted to see the concert. And when I was confronting her about the birthday party, she looked me in the eye and without any wavering indicated that the thing she most wanted to do was to go the concert with me. Considering she's a horrible liar, I believe her. She honestly has no clue why I'd be upset - by the time it was to go to the concert, she wasn't done with her paper yet. And when she did finish, she went to the party - partially to get her sister to review it, and partially (obv) to say happy birthday to the friend. She seems nothing wrong with this and I don't think we'll ever see eye to eye on it.

I joke that my gf is one of the most oblivious people ever. And yes, it can come across as incredibly self-centered - she just doesn't notice things around her. If she does notice things, she can be very caring and conscientious, but its not easy to get to that point at times.

On the upside, my and some friends, and the gf was included, planned going to the Braves game after church. It's not my gf's thing, but she went anyways and enjoyed herself learning about baseball and hanging out doing what I wanted to do - so that was nice (I wonder if Friday's event made her more willing to go to the game).

Originally Posted by JonInMiddleGA

Or you do what, ultimately, my wife & I have both done: deal with the reality that what interests one doesn't interest the other & satisfy those needs independent of the s.o.

I read this and it does seem something like this may be a good thing to keep in mind.

[ISiddiqui]

Originally Posted by sabotai

So either one of two things has to happen. Either she changes and starts taking long term commitments more seriously and realizes that she needs to plan things out better (I call this the "wishful thinking" option), or Imran decides that this is just a part of her personality, it's not going to change, and he either stops making long term plans for things he wants to do or he needs to make sure to have a back-up plan for the times when she flakes out.

I think it'll definitely have to be the later - and made more long term plans with friends rather than the S.O.

[DaddyTorgo]

Which is totally cool as long as you're like...fine with it and understand it going in I guess.

[DaddyTorgo]

Originally Posted by JonInMiddleGA

Or you do what, ultimately, my wife & I have both done: deal with the reality that what interests one doesn't interest the other & satisfy those needs independent of the s.o.

Aside from things related to/connected to our child, I honestly can't even come close to telling you the last event we both attended with relatively mutual interest (I'm not counting funerals, work related stuff, etc). I can't even tell you the last TV show we had in common aside from some live sports. The number of truly mutual friends that are relatively equally friends to both of us is almost certainly single digits & largely numbers people 20 years our junior who have only ever known us as a couple (and almost see us like quasi-parental figures).

And yet somehow we're still married 20 years later.

To each their own - no judgement on you (and I mean that with 100% sincerity), but honestly this just sounds really depressing to me, and I can't imagine being in a relationship like that. I wouldn't want to be with someone where I couldn't attend a non child-related event that we didn't have a mutual interest in.

But it works for you two, so good for you.

[JonInMiddleGA]

Originally Posted by DaddyTorgo

I wouldn't want to be with someone where I couldn't attend a non child-related event that we didn't have a mutual interest in.

{shrug} It is what it is.

My point wasn't anything about my life (or at least revealing anything about it) as it was to point out that there's a wide range of ways that relationships work.

[Izulde]

This separate interests thing is actually more common than you think, DT. I know one of my good friends and her husband (before she passed away in 2008) had completely separate interests, but one of the ways they had fun pursuing separate interests but were still able to be together would be to sit in the same room, each doing their own activity (knitting and Internet for her, and I think TV watching and model airplane and boat building for him) and talking to each other.

[DaddyTorgo]

Originally Posted by Izulde

This separate interests thing is actually more common than you think, DT. I know one of my good friends and her husband (before she passed away in 2008) had completely separate interests, but one of the ways they had fun pursuing separate interests but were still able to be together would be to sit in the same room, each doing their own activity (knitting and Internet for her, and I think TV watching and model airplane and boat building for him) and talking to each other.

Not saying it doesn't work for some people (and good for them), just expressing that it seems antithetical to what a relationship means to me. But if it works for some people, great.

I'd be surprised if it's "more common than I think" though, especially based on 2 anecdotes though Izulde. I don't really buy your take on a lot of things lately (in this or the Sterling thread) though, so I'm wondering what that's all about TBH. But that's not really fot his thread.

[JonInMiddleGA]

Originally Posted by DaddyTorgo

I'd be surprised if it's "more common than I think" though

Depends, I guess, upon how common you think it is.

There's also, I would think, a significant difference in the occurrence of it at different stages of the relationship.

[CU Tiger]

Originally Posted by DaddyTorgo

To each their own - no judgement on you (and I mean that with 100% sincerity), but honestly this just sounds really depressing to me, and I can't imagine being in a relationship like that. I wouldn't want to be with someone where I couldn't attend a non child-related event that we didn't have a mutual interest in.

But it works for you two, so good for you.

And this is what makes humans so interesting.
I read the post from Jon and thought..how nice and understanding.


See other than college football my wife and I have exactly 0 hobbies in common.
I am a total outdoor guy. Given a sunny day Id rather sit in a chair in the middle of the yard and do nothing than anything inside and to her a sunny day = hot and sweaty, yuk...

Same goes for her ideal pass times.

BUT she is the type who feels like we "must" do things together....which leads to fishing trips where she sits in the truck or on the boat aand is miserable and I wish I was there alone...OR movie visits where I literally sleep through the flick while drinking red bulls. When I suggest separate activities its a fight and "why dont you want to spend time with me"

So Jon's solution sounded mature and understanding to me...not at all depressing. Though I can see where someone who is "married to their best friend" could feel that way. In my case we are more complimentary pieces than identical matches.

[DaddyTorgo]

And like I said - that's cool. To each their own, ya know?

Glad to hear it works for you guys. And I mean that, 100%.

[sabotai]

Originally Posted by JonInMiddleGA

Or you do what, ultimately, my wife & I have both done: deal with the reality that what interests one doesn't interest the other & satisfy those needs independent of the s.o.

Well that sounds like a different situation. In this case, I was assuming mutual interest in the band and going to concerts in general. If she's flaking out due to trying to get out of something she has no interest in, that's....worse. In that case, they should do those things separately or get used to suffering through things.

[Danny]

Originally Posted by sabotai

Well that sounds like a different situation. In this case, I was assuming mutual interest in the band and going to concerts in general. If she's flaking out due to trying to get out of something she has no interest in, that's....worse. In that case, they should do those things separately or get used to suffering through things.

And at least be honest about it.

[Galaxy]

Originally Posted by DaddyTorgo

Not saying it doesn't work for some people (and good for them), just expressing that it seems antithetical to what a relationship means to me. But if it works for some people, great.

I'd be surprised if it's "more common than I think" though, especially based on 2 anecdotes though Izulde. I don't really buy your take on a lot of things lately (in this or the Sterling thread) though, so I'm wondering what that's all about TBH. But that's not really fot his thread.

Just judging from the small sample size of my inner circle, I think it's rather common. However, it doesn't mean one doesn't express interest in their significant others interest.

[DaddyTorgo]

Originally Posted by Galaxy

Just judging from the small sample size of my inner circle, I think it's rather common. However, it doesn't mean one doesn't express interest in their significant others interest.

This is a larger point than this thread, and I don't mean to drag it off course: Not saying one has to be interested in everything obviously, but I've always been looking for at least...some common interests. Without them...frankly I don't see the point.

[JonInMiddleGA]

Originally Posted by DaddyTorgo

Without them...frankly I don't see the point.

It's the whole "my spouse, my best friend" thing.

I'm not a proponent of that, looking back, I never really have been.

[DaddyTorgo]

Originally Posted by JonInMiddleGA

It's the whole "my spouse, my best friend" thing.

I'm not a proponent of that, looking back, I never really have been.

So what was the reason for getting married then?

Well I mean - there's a difference between "best friend" and "sharing some common interests."

[CraigSca]

I don't think best friend necessarily means you share completely common interests. Sure, we think alike on a number of different issues and enjoy each others company, but my wife is a beach person and I am not (as an example). I can list a number of different ways she would like to spend her time, that I have no interest in and vice versa. Overall, however, we respect that about each other.

Just because you're best friends and married doesn't mean you have to spend each minute of every day together.

[Kodos]

Originally Posted by CraigSca

Just because you're best friends and married doesn't mean you have to spend each minute of every day together.

This is something I think a lot of people don't understand. To me, there needs to be time spent doing things apart from each other.

[molson]

Originally Posted by CraigSca

Just because you're best friends and married doesn't mean you have to spend each minute of every day together.

Definitely not, but I'm kind of intrigued by the other end of the spectrum being expressed here where couples have no common interests. Do they just meet up occasionally for sex and and maybe a meal?

I would think the more common setup would be you have a bunch of stuff you like doing together, a few things that one really likes but the other will tolerate, and a few thing that one really likes but the other completely avoids. That's always been my rough ideal. I definitely want my own solitary pursuits and hobbies, but, there has to be at least some amount of things that we like doing together also.

(Edit: I suppose once there's kids, that's the big thing a lot couples have in common and participate in together, so maybe the lack of common interests is a lot less noticeable).

[DaddyTorgo]

Originally Posted by molson

Definitely not, but I'm kind of intrigued by the other end of the spectrum being expressed here where couples have no common interests. Do they just meet up occasionally for sex and and maybe a meal?

I would think the more common setup would be you have a bunch of stuff you like doing together, a few things that one really likes but the other will tolerate, and a few thing that one really likes but the other completely avoids. That's always been my rough ideal. I definitely want my own solitary pursuits and hobbies, but, there has to be at least some amount of things that we like doing together also.

(Edit: I suppose once there's kids, that's the big thing a lot couples have in common and participate in together, so maybe the lack of common interests is a lot less noticeable).

Yeah - not saying I want to do everything together all the time, but (aside from kids/before kids) if there's no common interests then there's no topics to discuss, which just means there's silence, which means I might as well be alone.

Fully expect someone to have their own interests, want to have my own interests, but we have to share some common interests. But who knows, maybe these are all couples that got together really young when that type of thing is less of an issue, and then had kids?

[Galaxy]

Originally Posted by molson

Do they just meet up occasionally for sex and and maybe a meal?

You make it sound like this is a bad thing.