I like vending machines cause snacks are better when they fall

[Mustang]

Originally Posted by Suicane75

WHAT ABOUT THE DUFRENES?!!!!!!!!!

You can eat, once you find the Dufrenes.




I was at this casino minding my own business and this guy came up to me and said your gonna have to move you're blocking a fire exit. As if there were a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you are flamable and have legs you are never blocking a fire exit

[Julio Riddols]

Track 5 will not be Chainsaw Juggler..

[Logan]

You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, cause maybe they got shot in the face with a bee-bee gun.

[Groundhog]

Last time I called Shotgun we had rented a limo.... I fucked up.

[mckerney]

I love it when I run into people eating more unhealthy than me. I grew up in Indiana and I was walking around the K-Mart in our town, or as we called it "The Mall". I saw this guy walking around the K-Mart, he was drinking something, and I realized he was drinking a cup of KFC gravy. And you know, I love gravy too, but I've never considered it a beverage. Wouldn't you love to be at the doctor with this guy? Hey, how you doing there Mr. Jones I'm your doctor. I've got your cholesterol here...ok...your bloods not moving. This is kind of a strange question, you haven't been drinking gravy have you? Cause your like 90% meat byproduct, we're gonna have to register you with the government.



What, this isn't a Jim Gaffigan thread?

[Maple Leafs]

Sometimes when I'm walking around I like to wave at strangers. But that's dangerous, because you never know, the guy might not have any hands. And he'll think you're making fun of him. "Hey, look what I got! This thing's fucking useful! I'm going to go pick something up!"

[Dr. Sak]

I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true, what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.

[ThunderingHERD]

Originally Posted by Maple Leafs

Sometimes when I'm walking around I like to wave at strangers. But that's dangerous, because you never know, the guy might not have any hands. And he'll think you're making fun of him. "Hey, look what I got! This thing's fucking useful! I'm going to go pick something up!"

I hate to interrupt, but that joke reminds me of something from four or five years ago when I was in school.

This girl that I was sort of involved with but didn't care for very much, let's call her Brianne, pushes me into having lunch with her and her roommate, whom I had never met. So we're downstairs in the dorm's dining hall eating lunch--I'm on one side of the booth, she and her roommate are on the other. I'm being something of a prick the whole time because I don't really want to be there.

The roommate finishes eating, says she wants to get some ice cream, and asks Brianne if she'lll go help her. I make some snide comment because it seems like a silly request; the roommate proceeds to lift her right arm and reveal one of those gnarled, miniature, birth-defect hands.

I felt kind of bad about that.

[Blackadar]

I don't discriminate. I hate everyone equally.