ZFL Season 2008

[sachmo71]

I'm confused, but congrats to Milwaukee!

[DolphinFan1]

You're welcome Coffee. I think we just handed you the Championship.

Now, I don't want to hear any more talk about which kicker should go into the ZFL Hall Of Fame.

[Coffee Warlord]

Originally Posted by DolphinFan1

You're welcome Coffee. I think we just handed you the Championship.

Now, I don't want to hear any more talk about which kicker should go into the ZFL Hall Of Fame.

I think it can still go to SA if we both win out, and they beat us in our meeting. I still fear SA. Just a little less now.

And we're sending Voodoo Jalisco to Milwaukee to brush up on his kicker skills.

[JAG]

Originally Posted by sachmo71

I'm confused, but congrats to Milwaukee!

As you can tell from the writeup, I was a bit surprised as well, but Milwaukee already had a good defense before they added stud DT No Name Necessary (tied in the running for DROY with S Red Herring) in the draft...with him, they're downright scary. I doubt San Antonio will be the last team shut out by the Muscle Men this year.

But as CW pointed out, San Antonio can still pull off a title this year...if they win out. Every game is vital now. Of course, if Portland stumbles, then that could really open the race up to a multitude of teams.

Good stuff!

[NevStar]

It's the 'topes year!

PT beats SA
AQ beats PT

w00t

[sachmo71]

It's cool that I lost, but it hurts when the bubble breaks.

[Coffee Warlord]

Originally Posted by NevStar

It's the 'topes year!

AQ beats PT

HA!

[NevStar]

Originally Posted by Coffee Warlord

HA!

Don't you mean "Ha Ha!"

That's the sound from Nelson Muntz when he breaks Paddy O's hip.

[JAG]

LOL

...but I wouldn't make Mr. Flamebeard mad if I were you...

[JeeberD]

Originally Posted by sachmo71

I'm confused, but congrats to Milwaukee!

Woohoo! The more San Antonio losses the better for the Busters!

[Coffee Warlord]

Originally Posted by NevStar

Don't you mean "Ha Ha!"

That's the sound from Nelson Muntz when he breaks Paddy O's hip.

Yeah. Break through Paddy O's line. Just try. I dare ya.

[tucker342]

Good game Jeeber

[JAG]

Whew. Today I began hunting down and writing up historical info. for the ZFL. This includes kicker info (just out of curiosity), past trades (could be fun to debate them), draft info for every ZFL player drafted, league champions, end of year awards including All-Pro and Pro Bowl teams, and statistical leaders. Whole lotta stuff there, but it'll be good to have all that info together in one place. I've only completed the first couple of years, and I feel bad now for some of the things I've said about some of the oldtimers this year after what I discovered. For example, OLB Ray Brown of Chicago, an original member of the team that held the ZFL to 7 points on the year, was (at least) a 2 year all-pro...of course now he sucks, but I could have at least given him some historical props. It should be pretty cool when it's all put together...but I should put it down until I finish the next batch of write-ups. I also plan to use the info to determine a starting list of players eligible for the ZFL Hall of Fame, which we'll figure out voting-wise how that'll work after the season, along with a couple of other possible changes for the league.

It's good to have a weekend at home.

[korme]

jag is a pimp

[digamma]

Originally Posted by JAG

Whew. Today I began hunting down and writing up historical info. for the ZFL. This includes kicker info (just out of curiosity), past trades (could be fun to debate them), draft info for every ZFL player drafted, league champions, end of year awards including All-Pro and Pro Bowl teams, and statistical leaders. Whole lotta stuff there, but it'll be good to have all that info together in one place. I've only completed the first couple of years, and I feel bad now for some of the things I've said about some of the oldtimers this year after what I discovered. For example, OLB Ray Brown of Chicago, an original member of the team that held the ZFL to 7 points on the year, was (at least) a 2 year all-pro...of course now he sucks, but I could have at least given him some historical props. It should be pretty cool when it's all put together...but I should put it down until I finish the next batch of write-ups. I also plan to use the info to determine a starting list of players eligible for the ZFL Hall of Fame, which we'll figure out voting-wise how that'll work after the season, along with a couple of other possible changes for the league.

It's good to have a weekend at home.

This sounds awesome. Can't wait for it.

[JAG]

Week 5:

*****

The Chaps were fresh off their first win this season when who should they have to face but the defending champion Margaritas, fresh off their first loss on the year. Still, one couldn’t expect this would be a problem for the champs, right?

Right. This was one of the most dominant performances in the ZFL this year. The Margaritas used their running game as a sledgehammer against the Chaps, sending wave after wave against the overmatched Chap DL and LBs, and then going with play-action passes to WRs Primetime and Finlandia, The Chilly for big chunks of yards. When the carnage was over, the stats all-around were impressive: HB Mutt and FB Teeny combined for 215 yards and 3 TDs, Leaf threw for 270 yards and 2 TDs with no INTs and was sacked only once by DE Strong Mad, and both SA wideouts passed the 100 yard mark on the day.

On defense, the Chaps’ offensive line was abused by the whole defensive line (especially DE All Pro with an incredible 6 sacks on the day) while the aging backfield (67 combined years), with the penetration of the defensive line and the usual contribution from MLB Ray Lewis (fumble recovery for a TD), could manage only 22 yards rushing. Cincinnati goes back to the drawing board after a 42-0 drubbing by the Margaritas.

*****

The Muscle Men arrived in LA fresh off a two-game winning streak, including last week’s down-to-the-wire victory over San Antonio, while the Stars had a narrow loss to Knoxville. How could LA hope to solve the Muscle Men defense?

The Stars went to their most potent offensive weapon to attack the Muscle Men: their offensive line and RB Rodney Dangerfield. OG Howard Stern was able to hold his own against rookie terror DT No Name Necessary while Star rookie OG Mark Goodman had a solid game against DT I Eat RB’s for Lunch (he went hungry today). Even more impressive was the work done by OTs Mathew McConaughey and Freddie Prinze Jr. on the Milwaukee defensive ends. Dangerfield had some trouble eluding OLB Superman in the open field and so didn’t have much in the way of long runs, but the offensive line routinely gave him so much space, all he had to do was fall forward to pick up 4-5 yards a run. Meanwhile, the Muscle Men offense did not bail out their D. The worst ranked offense in the league struggled against the usual suspects in the Star defense. MLB Brad Pitt was a real pit bull against RB Ricky Williams (who, despite press reports to the contrary, retired from the NFL to concentrate on his ZFL career). Even FB Bulldozer, one of the top FBs in the league, couldn’t consistently block him out of plays. When they dropped back to pass, DE Toby McGwire introduced himself frequently to QB Dan Marino Jr. to the call of 4 sacks while S Ray Liotta picked off a pass and put some big hits on the Milwaukee WRs. The Muscle Men went 4 and out so often they kept putting their defense in a bind, and it eventually broke with a couple of short Dangerfield runs for TDs, in addition to a nice catch by WR Ashton Kucher after QB Bernie Mac was given all day to throw it and Kucher ran almost the entire width of the end zone. Only a late Ricky Williams TD prevented the Muscle Men from being shut out. A remarkable performance by the Star offensive line paves the way for a 21-7 LA victory.

*****

Fargo’s season was slip-sliding away but Albuquerque was right in the mix with the top teams in the league. On paper, another seeming mismatch.

However, Fargo’s running attack remained on fire for the second consecutive week. The Ordinary Guys OT Charlie and OG Ray cleared out space for FB Ty Wick to knock the LBs around, giving HB Glutton for Punishment all the room he needed and more. Great day on the ground for him, totaling 144 yards and 3 TDs. If only the Fargo passing game could’ve kept up. Once again, QB El Poopiehead looked like he was in over his head, and the Isotope secondary of rookie CB James L. Brooks and S Troy McClure forced Fargo to remain on the ground.

The great running performance was wasted however, because the ‘Fish defense offered no resistance against the Isotopes. QB Moe Sizzlack took advantage of lackluster coverage in the secondary and almost no pressure as he eclipsed the 400 yard mark and had 3 TDs on the day. RB Guy Incognito ran wild behind blocks by FB Drederick Tatum and OT Ralph Wiggum, and even scored on a rare plunge up the middle behind OG Comic Book Guy. In all, the Isotope offense rang up an incredible 620 yards as they cruised to a 42-21 win.

*****

Chicago’s unstoppable wrecking ball attack faced the immovable object in the Birmingham defense this week. Which unit would blink?

We can begin by saying if you like to see some high passing totals, this game was not for you. The Olympians have struggled throwing the ball this year and Chicago’s secondary is one of the tops in the league…you can predict the outcome. Meanwhile, while CB Hektor is nothing to crow about, he was still easily to handle past-his-prime original Eagle WR Chad Spears and S Odysseus dominated rookie receiver O. DeJuan Gavly. Add to that the pressure from the BH DEs Atlantis and Another Atlantis and the result was likewise easy to determine. The teams combined…combined!…for 260 yards passing.

The game would have to be decided on the ground. Most teams have had little trouble with the Chicago run defense this year and this week was no exception, as HB Roman had the speed to the outside to beat former all-pro OLB Ray Brown and the strength to plunge up the middle behind OG Another Troy. MLB El Capone had a good game (14 tackles), but the lackluster play of his teammates put his effort to waste as Roman ended up with 114 yards and 3 TDs. It would all come down to Chicago’s running attack, which hadn’t failed to eclipse 100 yards or 3 TDs in their first four weeks.

But they had some problems to overcome today. All-world OG Tom Sanders can usually cover for the deficiencies of other guard Mark “Plays like” Sheet, but couldn’t take on both DTs Hera and Cyclopes himself. On the edge, the Atlantis brothers had their way with OT John Tate and Fatman Jones, making outside runs difficult to impossible for Chicago. With their only option up the middle, LBs Excaliber and Aristotle were able to combine with whatever DT was unblocked on the play to focus solely on Randy Steele and Josh Hackenstein. The result was, for the first time this year, the wrecking ball was held to a bowling ball-like 90 yards and 1 TD on the day. Birmingham brings the defense and climbs to the plus side of .500 as they win 21-7 over the Eagles.

*****

El Paso and Little Rock met up in a battle of disappointing squads, with each team at 1-3 and trying to turn their year around. Both team’s offensive squads have been able to generate points, but the defenses have been in the bottom half of the league. From that, you would expect a high-scoring game…and you would be right.

Rajah Saleem was unstoppable today for the Slick Willies, picking up 158 rushig yards and 3 TDs, with most of his yards coming off of two long runs where he broke Brian Bosworth tackles and the rest of the defense couldn’t bring him down. QB Johnny “Aint” Rotten was able to isolate Saleem on OLB Mike Croel a couple of times to good effect, with Saleem turning in 70 yards and a TD through the air, and Rotten ended the day with 240 yards passing and 2 TDs.

El Paso had a fine day on the ground as well. FB Rashaan Salaam actually outperformed RB Blair Thomas on the day with some powerful runs behind OT Billy Milner and up the gut, while Thomas picked up most of his yards on sweeps away from DE L.L. JeeberD. The two combined for 140 yards and 2 TDs, with Salaam getting 85 yards and the pair splitting the scores.

The game would hinge on the efforts of rookie QB Dan McGwire. But for the third straight game, El Paso gave McGwire little to work with. WRs Rae “I’m Innocent!” Carruth and Yatil Green could barely get open against rookie sensation S Red Herring, with Herring pulling down an INT and surprisingly getting a sack on the day as well. While the average Buster offensive line held up at times, DT Henry Blitzen was able to get penetration in the middle, while DE L.L. JeeberD was in the backfield so much, McGwire looked like he was going to hand off to him on one play. Lots of strong play from Little Rock when the Busters tried to pass as Little Rock totaled 10 sacks on the day (L.L. JeeberD – 5 sacks, DT Henry Blitzen – 2 sacks, OLB Little Ray – 2 sacks, S Red Herring – 1 sack) and El Paso could manage only a nice McGwire – Salaam hook up for their only score through the air. Little Rock cleans up with a fine triumph over El Paso 35-21 as the Busters fall to 1-4.

*****

The game of the week was played in Knoxville, as Portland trotted in their unbeaten record to take on Thumbless Jackson’s clan. Knoxville’s D has been shaky this year, having given up the third most points in the league, but their offense has compensated enough for their record to climb to 3-1. Portland has looked very tough in shellacking opponents by a combined score of 105-28. San Antonio and Albuquerque watched on, knowing a Redneck win would put them smack dab in the middle of the championship run, while Knoxville came out determined, knowing a loss would severely dampen their chances for a title. There was also the side individual battle featuring two of the most feared receivers in the game in Knoxville’s Jackson Jackson and Portland ‘Manchild’ Manfred von Richthofen, each going against two of the top cover cornerbacks in the league in Portland’s Master Hu Li and Knoxville’s Deion Jackson.

Portland’s first possession was a showcase of their brilliant offensive line. There were enough pancakes going around to open an IHOP, as OTs Leonardo Ruiz Al Elvaro and Lothar von Richthofen put the hurt on the Knoxville DEs and OGs Eric Flamebeard and Tim the Troll similarly opened holes in the middle. RB Lothar Dirtpounder had 45 yards and a TD on the opening drive of the game.

But Knoxville struck back on their first possession. The offensive guards, behind the enormity that is Fort Sumter Jackson, actually were able to stand up to the famed Military Middle. While they didn’t completely neutralize them, they did force the Portland LBs Sectoid Commander and Zoinks McAllister to make some plays. But FB Jarret Jackson did a good job lead blocking for RB Leon Jackson, who was able to use some strength inside to outmuscle McAllister (Zoinks is much tougher on the outside runs with his speed). Leon matched Dirtpounder almost yard for yard with 42 yards and a TD on the opening drive.

Neither team was able to achieve much more leading up to the end of the second quarter, when WR Manfred von Richthofen finally beat Deion Jackson, selling him on an out route, then turning and zooming upfield. QB Paddy O’ had plenty of time to throw a nice ball into the outstretched hands of Richthofen as he gracefully glided into the end zone for a 38 yard TD and a 14-7 Portland lead at the half.

The third quarter was all Portland. They stuck to the ground game and Lothar Dirtpounder was able to grind out some good yards running behind his offensive line stalwarts. In the third quarter alone, Dirtpounder had 62 yards and 2 TDs extending Portland’s lead to a seemingly insurmountable 28-7. With their defense, one would’ve thought the game was done.

But Knoxville fought back. CB Master Hu Li had been able to limit the damage done by WR Jackson Jackson to this point, but, seeing Knoxville's title chances slipping away, JJ turned it up a notch in the 4th. Master Hu Li didn’t give up any big completions, but JJ just worked on the short-to-intermediate routes, moving Knoxville down the field gradually and giving the defense a much needed break. Finally at the Portland 5, Thumbless threw immediately off the snap to the back left corner, where a leaping Luke Jackson pulled down the ball behind S Black Mage to bring Knoxville within 14.

Portland’s offense went back to the ground game, but DT Josiah Jackson slipped inside OG Tim the Troll on third down and forced Portland to pass on fourth. QB Paddy O tried to hit The Manchild, but Deion Jackson’s coverage was there and he swatted the ball away.

With the guards doing a good job on Portland’s Military Middle, it was clear Portland wasn’t going to be able to muster up enough of a pass rush to affect the cagey veteran Thumbless Jackson. Sure enough, Thumbless had enough time on a long crossing play to hit JJ, who had gotten a step on Master Hu Li, with a picture-perfect pass for a 47 yard TD. Knoxville within 7, but not much time left on the clock.

Knoxville refused to be beaten by the run and stuffed the line of scrimmage by throwing a lot of bodies there, but Portland went to the play-action pass to try and keep possession. Rookie MLB Opie Jackson looked the part of an inexperienced rookie as he allowed Lothar Dirtpounder to pick up two first downs through the air. Knoxville gave it a good fight, but in the end, Portland’s offense was able to run out the clock and preserve its second consecutive 7-point victory by winning 28-21, as the Rednecks see their realistic title chances fade away as they tumble to 3-2.

Standings

PT 5-0 (49)
SA 4-1 (45)
AQ 4-1 (91)
BH 3-2 (59)
LA 3-2 (91)
KX 3-2 (140)
MW 2-3 (56)
CH 2-3 (115)
LR 2-3 (129)
EP 1-4 (140)
CN 1-4 (175)
FG 0-5 (182)

[JAG]

Week 6:

*****

The start of the Portland - Chicago match was delayed when a bench-clearing brawl occurred prior to the opening kickoff. Apparently someone on the Portland squad mouthed off to an Eagle saying “You know, Flamebeard really is the best guard in the game. Tom Sanders sucks!” This followed an earlier incident where Chicago rookie DT Donovan Lork, never one to mince words, said to QB Paddy O’ as he ran by him during warm-ups “Wonder how many more yards ya’d throw for with Tom Sanders protecting ya instead of that fat Viking @#$%”.

*****

After Fargo's loss last week, the players looked like they wanted to hang it up and wait till next year. Through five weeks, the Crawfish were on pace to surrender a league record in points allowed. The Stars came to town looking to add to that total and bring their record to 4-2.

Both teams were able to run the ball at will. Fargo had developed a running game these past few weeks and with only Brad Pitt to worry about (and he was nicely contained by Ty Wick today), the Ordinary Guys OG Ray and rookie OT Charlie made gaping holes on the left side of the line for RB Glutton for Punishment to burst through. Rodney Dangerfield, running behind LA’s powerful offensive line had no problem ripping through the ‘Fish defense. The backs ended with similar numbers: Dangerfield with 137 yards and 3 TDs, GFP 129 yards and 3 TDs.

The difference today was the passing game. Fargo just couldn’t get enough play from QB El Poopiehead to counter S Ray Liotta’s top performance (4 passes defensed, 2 INTs) and couldn’t protect Poopiehead from DE Toby “Spiderman II” McGwire (3 sacks). On the other side, the ‘Fish weren’t able to contain WR Ashton Kucher (115 yards, 2 TDs) who was able to get open enough that even QB Bernie Mac could find him (and he had more than enough time to throw it). Fargo continues its downward spiral losing 35-21 to LA.

*****

The battle for Texas was quite an unfair one this year, with the top team from last year facing the worst team from last year. El Paso has at least a piece of the future, with QB Dan McGwire playing well despite little help from his receivers or offensive line. Facing San Antonio’s defense, things weren’t expected to get much better for the rook.

And that’s how it happened. McGwire had perhaps his toughest game of the year, getting battered by DE All Pro, having nowhere to throw the ball, and getting picked off by Ray Lewis and S Godzilla Blitz on his way to compiling only a 40% completion rate. Even with FB Rashaan Salaam giving a good effort, RB Blair Thomas couldn’t get sprung against the tough interior of the Margarita defense, while OLB Pops did a nice job covering the edges with help from the San Antonio DEs. On the other side of the ball, the Margaritas had a field day. The Busters have had trouble with their run defense all year (outside of MLB Brian Bosworth) and that manifested again today. HB Mutt followed OG Lone Star on a couple of TD runs up the middle, while FB Teeny helped clear the way on another. QB Ryan Leaf benefited from great pass protection against his former team and was able to hit his receivers Primetime and Cool Finlandia without much trouble, each eclipsing 80 yards and scoring a TD. Sorry El Paso, the king of Texas is San Antonio this year: Margaritas 35, Busters 0.

*****

It’s been a tough year thus far for Milwaukee and Cincinnati, with the two teams having combined for 3 victories on the year. Cincinnati needs help in numerous places, while Milwaukee’s got the defense, but is lacking on the other side of the ball. But in the Muscle Men's favor was that they were facing a team which had given up more points than any other ZFL team not named Fargo…surely that would be good for a score or two, right?

Milwaukee’s offensive line didn’t offer up much help again, but this week, FB Bulldozer and HB Ricky Williams were able to handle things themselves. Bulldozer rammed Chaps’ defenders with ferocity, giving Ricky Williams room to make moves on the sluggish Chap LBs. Williams used his agility to good measure, garnering a 4.6 ypc average on the day on his way to 115 yards and 3 TDs, 2 rushing and 1 receiving. Milwaukee’s pass attack wasn’t as solid today. The coverage wasn’t there, but DE Strong Mad looked like his old pre-injury self against OT No Sacks Allowed (interesting, another player hurt last year) getting 3 sacks, while DE The Ugly One looked like he could be an up-and-coming player against OT King Kong, getting 2.5 sacks. All in all, the Chaps had their best defensive effort of the season.

But, they allowed the Muscle Men to score 21 points. The Chaps’ offense could hardly hope to match that against the mighty Milwaukee defense. Cincinnati’s guards had their hands full against DT No Name Necessary, which kept them off the always-tough Muscle Men LBs Zach Thomas and Superman. CB Patrick Surtain and Brock Marion had good games against the Chap receivers Senor Cardgage and Population: Tire, while DE Rocky got by Chaps’ OT The King of Town for 1.5 sacks on the day, to go along with 3 from Superman. In the end, the Chaps totaled only 190 yards of offense on the day as Milwaukee picked up its third shutout on the year with a 21-0 triumph over Cincinnati.

*****

Everyone strapped in? It’s time for the annual wild ride featuring the top two offenses over the past few years in Knoxville and Albuquerque. Both teams feature top QBs, but the comparisons really end there. Knoxville has perhaps the best WR tandem in the league with Jackson Jackson and Luke Jackson, a solid middle of the line with OG Fort Sumter Jackson holding down the fort, and Leon Jackson running the ball. The Isotopes feature the great protection of OT Ralph Wiggum and the great tandem of Guy Incognito running and FB Drederick Tatum blocking.

There was no place for defense in this game. We’ll do a quick rundown of the scores:

Thumbless to Jackson Jackson, 7-0 Knoxville.

Guy Incognito on an outside run, 7-7.

Sizzlack to The Cheat, 14-7.

Thumbless to JJ, 14-14.

Leon Jackson up the middle behind a terrific block from OG Fort Sumter Jackson on Isotope star DT Nelson “The Hammer” Muntz, 21-14.

Thumbless to Luke Jackson, 28-14.

Sizzlack to WR Quagmire, 28-21.

Guy Incognito behind Drederick Tatum, 28-28.

Leon Jackson behind a FB Jarret Jackson block, 35-28.

Sizzlack to Quagmire, 35-35.

…

and that was all. After the initial run of fireworks, the fans still had to wait for the grand finale. Bring on the kickers!

Albuquerque’s kicker Sir Gary Coleman, who had seen little action prior to this year, came out for his second appearance on the year after an earlier successful one. Knoxville players groaned as they were forced to watch the only non-Jackson in Eli Manning go out and try to win them the game. Today’s contest would actually involve some kicking…but not footballs. Instead, soccer balls were brought onto the field as football goal posts were set up . The match required the kickers to put the ball through the uprights from increasing distances until one missed. The only twist was the goal posts were not the usual stationary targets used in NFL games. The post that normally sticks into the ground was instead attached to a contraption that moved them from side to side in a steady motion.

The kickers were both able to hit from 10 yards with little problem. From 20 yards, Sir Gary Coleman hit one right down the center, but Eli Manning was fortunate to get his in, getting a favorable bounce off the left upright. The spot was moved back to 30 yards. Coleman looked a bit tentative, but hit a very nice ball that cleared the side of the goal posts by a good 6-12 inches. Manning watched the moving target and looked like he changed his mind a couple of times about when he wanted to hit the ball. Manning finally decided, approached the ball confidently…and hit a wormburner! It would’ve been a great shot in soccer, but it was nowhere near the height needed. Albuquerque wins the battle the offenses 38-35.

*****

After the histrionics to start the game, Chicago and Portland settled in to keep the battling to the field. Portland brought out the Military Middle to put the clamps on the Tom Sanders-led offense and a couple of things were immediately made clear. One, Sanders is really really good. He played a fantastic game considering his opponent, DT Captain Bipto, was one of the top defensive tackles in the game. FB Josh Hackenstein ran behind Sanders’ blocks and went toe-to-toe with the Portland LBs to keep RB Randy Steele clear of tacklers. Just behind Sanders, Steele gained 68 yards and a TD on the day.

The second thing that was immediately clear was OG Mark “Plays like” Sheet is really really bad. DT Colonel Joseph C. McCormick III abused Sheet badly to swoop in and stop many running plays in the backfield, as well as gathering 4 sacks against beleaguered Eagles QB Mike “Air” Marino. Marino didn’t get much help today, as CB Master Hu Li showed rookie WR O. DeJuan Gavly that he had a lot to learn to hang with the Master, and S Black Mage had no trouble covering the ancient Chad Spears.

And by the way, don’t make Eric Flamebeard angry. You wouldn’t like him when he’s angry. A hard lesson learned well today by DT Donovan Lork, as Paddy O was all too pleased to fill in the powerful guard on Lork’s pre-game comments. Flamebeard took Lork to school, pancaking him time after time, as well as just tossing him out of the way like a sack of leaves on some plays. RB Lothar Dirtpounder kept picking up 7-8 yards before MLB El Capone (14 tackles) could bring him down. On the edge, things were no better for Chicago. The Portland OTs Lothar von Richthofen and Leonardo Ruiz Al Elvaro cleared plenty of space against the Chicago’s DEs and Dirtpounder had no problems outrunning the 35-year-old OLB Ray Brown. Chicago’s outstanding secondary put up a good fight against All-Pro receiver Manfred von Richthofen, but with essentially no pass thanks to the Sea Biscuit offensive line, he was eventually able to get open enough to pull in 6 passes for 115 yards and a TD. Dirtpounder finished with his typically strong game of 128 yards and 3 TDs as Portland remained undefeated in winning 28-7 over the Eagles.

*****

The R&R boys of Little Rock got a chance this week to test their mettle against the solid defense of the Birminham Olympians. Both sides put on a worthy show in this one.

As they had done with other teams this year, the Olympian defensive line overwhelmed Little Rock’s average line. This wreaked havoc in Little Rock’s aerial attack, with QB Johnny Rotten’s timing ruined by the constant pressure from DEs Atlantis and Another Atlantis, as well as DTs Hera and Cyclopes. S Odysseus had a terrific game in the secondary, effectively neutralizing Rotten’s favorite target WR Bruce Spinner. Running lanes were constantly jammed with defenders. It appeared the Slick Willies would get nothing from their offense, but in true Barry Sanders’ fashion, RB Rajah Saleem would slip through the arms of defenders and get yards even on plays that weren’t blocked. On one incredible play, he started running to the left, then cut back sharply the other direction, slipping through no less than 5 defenders on the play before reaching paydirt on a 52 yard (vertical yards that is) TD run. He also pulled in a sweet 35 yard TD reception, as he ran a route up the middle of the field, caught the ball between MLB Excaliber and OLB Aristotle, sprinted past them then, before reaching Odysseus, he cut to the outside and burned to the end zone. Ho hum, another brilliant performance for Rajah Saleem against a tough defense. But those 14 points would be all Little Rock could muster.

However, this isn’t last year’s Slick Willie defense. Picking up rookie pass-rushing DE L.L. AnotherJeeberD, who has been solid if not spectacular, and rookie S Red Herring, who HAS been spectacular, have turned a leaky pass defense into one of the more impressive units in the ZFL. The Olympians haven’t had much success passing the ball this year. You do the math. Red Herring put the clamps on WR Ahhnold Schwartzeneggar while QB Zeus Reloaded was flushed outside by DT Henry Blitzen, putting him in the arms of the original DE L.L. JeeberD 4 times. Blitzen and OLB Little Ray did a nice job bottling up RB Roman, who finished with 71 yards and a TD run up the gut behind OG Another Troy (that familiar refrain). Little Rock’s defense plays like a rock and the spluttering Birmingham offense can only manage 7 points as they come up short. Little Rock’s 14-7 victory moves both teams to .500 on the year.

Standings after week 6

PT 6-0 (56)
SA 5-1 (45)
AQ 5-1 (126)
LA 4-2 (112)
MW 3-3 (56)
KX 3-3 (178) (head to head beat LR and BH)
LR 3-3 (136) (head to head beat BH)
BH 3-3 (73)
CH 2-4 (143)
EP 1-5 (175)
CN 1-5 (196)
FG 0-6 (217)

[digamma]

YOU AIN'T NO JACKSON, ELI!!!

[Swaggs]

This may well be the first time that Little Rock has been .500.

[tucker342]

another close loss...

[JeeberD]

Going for the top pick again...

[NevStar]

Gary Coleman: All-Pro

[tucker342]

bump

[JAG]

Week 7

It was a rough ride for Cincinnati against Birmingham this week. Although the Olympians’ title aspirations had been dashed with a few close losses, they still remain one of the tougher defensive teams in the league. The Chaps, meanwhile, have been one of the most woeful teams in the ZFL this year, nearing the bottom in both offensive and defensive rankings.

QB Mr. Shmallow took a beating this game. OT The King of Town had lost a step…specifically, the one DE Another Atlantis kept using to blow by him (3.5 sacks). OT Marzipan II may have a future in the ZFL, but the future is not now, especially not when matched up against DE Atlantis (2.5 sacks). The Chaps found no room in the running game with DTs Hera and Cyclopes bottling up the middle and LBs Excaliber and Aristotle roaming free. On the other side of the ball, Birmingham found their offense again, as teams seem to do against Cincinnati. WR Arnold Schwartzeneggar enjoyed the weak coverage from CB The Blacksmith and hauled in 7 passes for 99 yards and 2 TDs, while HB Roman added another 2 TDs on the ground with 107 yards rushing. The Olympian hot and cold offense ran hot this week as they knocked off the Chaps 28-7 and moved to the plus side of .500.

*****

Chicago’s wrecking ball came to Milwaukee this week to face the tough defense of the Muscle Men in the battle of the Marino’s (Mike “Air” Marino of Chicago, Dan Marino Jr. of Milwaukee). Milwaukee, like Birmingham, is a team that’s struggled on offense but has been outstanding on defense, while Chicago’s one-sided units excel in one area (running the ball, defending the pass) and fall apart in the other (passing and defending the run).

Little would be different this week. Chicago didn’t have a chance passing the ball. OG Tom Sanders handled rookie DT star No Name Necessary, but DT I Eat RB’s for Lunch found a new delicacy this week facing pathetic guard Mark Sheet: quarterbacks. IERFL was in QB Mike “Air” Marino’s face all day, and although he didn’t record a sack, he was disruptive enough to frustrate Marino into two INTs to kill drives, one to each LB Superman and Zach Thomas. Meanwhile, Milwaukee could do little against Chicago’s pass rush and defense. S Shut Down put the clamps on WR Lightning and rookie DTs Donovan Lork and Timmy Triop recorded the first sacks of their career against the weak pass defending of the interior line. The running game was another story though. The Eagles only had one player, MLB El Capone, who could contain RB Ricky Williams, but FB Bulldozer kept him busy and allowed Williams to go to work. OLB Ray Brown was too slow and the rest of the line run blocked well enough to give Williams a big day (112 yards) and allowed the Milwaukee offense to actually get 21 points on the day with his three TDs.

All that was left is to find out how the wrecking ball did. Well, to paraphrase a saying: some days you’re the wrecking ball, some days you get wrecked. It was a true battle of titans, with OG Sanders clearing out DT No Name Necessary, but LB Zach Thomas and OLB Superman swept in to contain Randy Steele. Even when FB Josh Hackenstein would take out Thomas and leave Steele one-on-one with Superman, Steele could not get away from the ferocious tackler. Play after play, drive after drive, Steele, who is usually so elusive in the open field, could get nothing going and, after factoring his negative running plays, totaled 65 yards on the day…and more importantly, no touchdowns. Milwaukee pitches another shutout as they too climb above .500 with a 21-0 victory over Chicago.

*****

The struggling Fighting Crawfish defense had a monumental task set for it this week: stop the Knoxville offense. A seemingly impossible task, but the ZFL has witnessed a number of unusual performances already this year. Could Fargo slow down the express train that is Knoxville’s offense?

Well, the Fargo running game was once again up to the task. OT Charlie made Knoxville pay for trading him (well, the pick where he was drafted) and OG Ray did a great job inspiring the rest of the line, while FB Ty Wick and RB Glutton for Punishment needed no encouraging. GFP had a great game, as the Knoxville LBs were left grasping for air as he ran for a solid 143 yards and 3 TDs on the day. QB El Poopiehead once again let his team down though, firing a pair of picks to CB Deion Jackson. Aside from the INTs, he struggled with his timing throwing to the ‘Fish receivers. A couple of times, WR Lobsterboy got open on S Pass it Somewhere Else Jackson, the former Fargo safety, but El Poopiehead misfired the ball into the turf and out of bounds.

The Fargo defense tried its best, but was overwhelmed by the well-oiled machine that is the Redneck offense. Essentially every starter had highlight numbers: Thumbless threw for 330 yards and 3 TDs, WR Jackson Jackon had 140 yards and 2 TDs, Luke Jackson hauled in 6 passes for 104 yards and a TD, and finally RB Leon Jackson finished with 121 yards and 3 TDs. Another crushing defeat for Fargo, as Knoxville becomes the third team so far this week to move to 4-3 in winning 42-21.

*****

In the only game this week featuring two teams over .500, the Sea Biscuits squared off against the Stars. Portland has been riding their offensive line and stingy defense to an undefeated record, while LA has been mainly riding their running game and offensive line, as well as a defense with some stars (naturally).

Portland put on a dominant performance today. Their offensive line easily whipped the overmatched Stars. Even DE Toby McGwire was handled well by OT Leonardo Ruiz Al Elvaro. MLB Brad Pitt was forced to shed blockers all day and struggled with it, while RB Lothar Dirtpounder racked up the yards. In the end, he managed 126 yards and 3 TDs, while WR Manfred von Richthofen managed 78 yards and a TD despite great coverage by S Ray Liotta.

Meanwhile, LA’s offense hit the breaks against Portland. QB Bernie Mac struggled against the coverage from the Portland secondary, and was picked off twice, once each by S Black Mage and CB Master Hu Li. Running the ball was tougher going than usual for RB Rodney Dangerfield, as the Military Middle was able to hold their own against the LA guards and forced the Stars to run outside. Dangerfield had what for him was a poor game rushing, finishing with 84 yards and 2 TDs. LA takes a hard loss, but Portland continues their march towards an undefeated season with a 28-14 victory.

*****

A good match-up this week of offensive stars vs. defensive stars, as the R&R boys of Little Rock got a shot at the tough Margarita defense, which has been on fire since their narrow loss in Milwaukee.

It was not a good day to be a Little Rock offensive player. RB Rajah Saleem can usually make something out of nothing, but there wasn’t a single member of his offensive line giving him any space against the Margarita defensive line. Even as he would dodge the numerous defensive linemen who tried to bring him down, behind them all was last year’s MVP Ray Lewis to take him down. Rajah managed a very ordinary 52 yards rushing and with no running game as he usually has to take pressure off him, QB Johnny Rotten wilted. Rotten was beaten back by pressure up the middle as DT Aragorn got 1.5 sacks while DE All Pro (3 sacks) was too strong and quick for OT Keith “Slap” Slapinski. Rotten got little help from his receivers as well, as WR Bruce Spinner got some lessons in hard knocks from S Godzilla Blitz and Carlton Bender turned in his usual sub par performance.

However, all was not rosy for San Antonio. They spent a portion of the offseason trying to boost their passing game by adding QB Ryan Leaf and drafting WR Cool Finlandia, but have only seen moderate success there this year. Today was no different. A great battle in the secondary between two rookies primed for post-season accolades, WR Cool Finlandia and S Red Herring, ended in Herring’s favor as Finlandia was only able to maange 66 yards and no TDs, partially because of the solid coverage and partially due to the pressure DE L.L. JeeberD put on QB Ryan Leaf (3.5 sacks). Leaf finished the game with a poor day of 152 yards passing and no TDs.

The ground game is where San Antonio broke the game open. The Little Rock secondary may be solid, but there are still some weak spots on the defense, especially run defense. DT Henry Blitzen, usually a disruptive force, was handled today beautifully by G Lone Star, blocking him out of the play time after time. Without their star DT in the mix, the Slick Willie defense folded. RB Mutt and FB Teeny both dominated the Slick Willie linebackers, with Teeny actually having the better day rushing 85 to 69 yards, although only getting 1 TD to Mutt’s 2. Either way, any of those scores would’ve been enough to win the game as Little Rock could do nothing on offense with the disruption caused by the Margarita defensive “lime” and Ray Lewis. San Antonio keeps chugging along to stay a game behind Portland, winning 21-0.

*****

Our last chance to see a competitive game this week was when the Albuquerque Isotopes brought their 5-1 record to face the fading El Paso Busters’ 1-5 record. QB Dan McGwire has shown flashes of brilliance this year, but has struggled against tough defenses with the lack of passing game talent and protection. The Isotopes have been excellent all year and would be undefeated, if not for a tough 7 point loss to start the season against the Margaritas.

El Paso’s defense has been ragged this season, but without MLB Brian Bosworth, they would be even worse. Today he was his usual madman self. Look at his line for the game: 18 tackles, a sack, and an INT, plus a great play that didn’t show up in the stats: on a 4th and goal from the 3, the Isotopes tried a run up the gut with FB Drederick Tatum leading, but Bosworth side-stepped Tatum at the one, dove and brought down Guy Incognito at the 2.

That play turned out to be huge for El Paso, because on the next play, the Busters, figuring the defense would look for RB Blair Thomas, ran a play-action fake. CB James L. Brooks made a rookie mistake in reading run on the play, only to see WR Rae “I’m Innocent!” Carruth striding by him. Before he could remedy his mistake, McGwire threw a ball-on-a-rope to Carruth. The safety was nowhere him and Carruth eventually finished his 98-yard catch and run for a TD.

Unfortunately for the Busters, Bosworth was the only El Paso defender to have a good game. QB Moe “Kid Gruesome” Sizzlack picked apart the defense with great protection from OT Ralph Wiggum and the rest of the OL, throwing for 372 yards and 3 TDs, while Guy Incognito was able to chip in 128 yards and 2 TDs.

But today, El Paso finally took a step on offense. The El Paso offensive line is nothing to write home about, but then again, neither is the Albuquerque defensive line, outside DT Nelson “The Hammer” Muntz. Muntz did frequently beat his man to pressure McGwire, but the Busters eventually countered by keeping FB Rashaan Salaam in to chip him. Salaam did a great job keeping Muntz off his QB, as McGwire had one of his better games this year in throwing for 310 yards and 2 TDs. Salaam also had a strong day blocking for RB Blair Thomas, as he routinely flattened the Isotope linebackers, allowing Thomas to pick up big gains inside and outside. El Paso was able to equal the Albuquerque output with Thomas getting 139 yards and 3 TDs, and regulation ended with El Paso shockingly tied with 5-1 Albuquerque at 35 points. Bring on the kickers!

K Scot “Missin’” Sisson looked primed and ready to pull off the upset for the Busters today, but he faced a tough opponent who had already won twice this year in Albuquerque’s Sir Gary Coleman. The match for this week was, as is often typical of the kicking duels, a strange combination. Each kicker was required to spin around in a circle 100 full revolutions, after which they would be thrown clubs they would need to juggle, with every 6 seconds an additional club thrown. The winner would simply be a combination of how long the kicker could go without dropping a club and how fast they completed their spins. Coleman, being shorter than Sisson, had an easier time getting his spins in, and was able to finish his 100 spins ahead of Sisson, giving him a small (no pun intended) advantage heading into the juggling. Coleman had to blink his eyes, as looking out he saw six pins coming towards him but knew he was really only being thrown three. Somehow he chose the correct ones and was able to get himself under control prior to the fourth one being thrown. He was even able to handle that adroitly, but as soon as the fifth pin was thrown, he was sunk, dropping three to the ground.

Sisson looked a little green coming out of his spins as he reached for the pins being thrown to him. He caught the first one, but then the other two pins dropped onto the ground, as Sisson sank to his knees and puked on the field. A nauseating end for a great El Paso effort, but the underdog could not pull off the upset. Coleman picked up his third kicking win of the season and Albuquerque wins by a score of 38-35.

*****

Incidentally, what is it with Isotope kickers? First Capital City Goofball, now Sir Gary Coleman.

Things at the top will either be sorted out somewhat or more muddled than ever next week, as Albuquerque takes on Portland.

(btw, I am not going to try and figure out the 4-team logjam at 4-3 for this week ).

Standings after Week 7:

PT 7-0 (70)
SA 6-1 (45)
AQ 6-1 (161)
MW 4-3 (56)
BH 4-3 (80)
LA 4-3 (140)
KX 4-3 (199)
LR 3-4 (157)
CH 2-5 (164)
EP 1-6 (213)
CN 1-6 (224)
FG 0-7 (259)

[Coffee Warlord]

Keep on smashing, Erik!

[NevStar]

Originally Posted by JAG

Week 7
Incidentally, what is it with Isotope kickers? First Capital City Goofball, now Sir Gary Coleman.

Well, the year of CCG, I think he was rated a D, so every win was a major upset. Sir Gary is probably at least in the top half.

Yeah, they conspire to give us a much poorer draft pick than we deserve, ensuring we'll always be "pretty good," but never on the Portland/San Antonio level. But we're good enough to keep the arena full, so that's good enough for beloved team dictator, C. M. Burns.

Having said that, Go 'Topes, beat Skeeze Biscuits!

[Coffee Warlord]

Voodoo Jalisco, the greatest kicker to never play a game, says, BUMP!

[korme]

ugh

[tucker342]

well, at least I'm tied for 4th (with 3 other teams)...

[JAG]

Sorry for the delay guys, I'll have the games up end of today or tomorrow.

[JeeberD]

Damn... lthisl close...

[JAG]

Week 8

Some competitive match-ups this week, with 3 sets of games featuring both teams above .500.

*****

An interesting game today between Little Rock and Cincinnati. Cincinnati has been established as fairly low on the ZFL pecking order, while Little Rock has hovered between mediocre and average. If it sounds like the making for a close well-fought game, you might want to find another game to read about.

Little Rock came out all guns a-blazing on offense. As has been mentioned throughout the year, Cincinnati lacks elite defensive players, and this was painfully obvious watching RB Rajah Saleem devastate their defense. The Slick Willie offensive line didn’t have a great game, but Rajah did, running through and around Chap defenders, finishing with 185 yards and 3 TDs. Fellow R&R teammate QB Johnny Rotten put on a good show as well, nimbly dodging the Chap DEs and finding numerous holes all over the Chap secondary. WR Bruce Spinner had a good day torching S It’s Dot Com!, pulling in passes for 130 yards and 2 TDs, while Rotten finished over the 300 yard mark with 315 and 3 TDs. On the other side of the ball, the Chaps were completely stymied by the Slick Willies, off the strength of their defensive line and secondary. DT Henry Blitzen was disruptive in the rushing game and passing game (6 tackles, 2 sacks), while OT The King of Town was reduced to a serf after being humbled by DE L.L. JeeberD (7 tackles, 4.5 sacks). The Chap receivers are the strength of their team, but with the pressure from the Little Rock front 4, QB Mr. Shmallow was erratic, throwing 3 INTs (2 to S Red Herring, 1 to OLB Kearney) and generally misfiring most of the day. Statement performance by Little Rock (statement being they are an up-and-coming team) in battering Cincinnati 42-0.

*****

Elsewhere, San Antonio was to meet Chicago in a matchup of brutal ground games and poor passing games. Chicago came into the game a bit tentative after having seen their powerful running attack shut down in recent weeks. Not the best time to face the mighty Margarita defense (if there’s ever a good time for it).

This week was like déjà vu from the Muscle Men – Eagles game last week. Chicago couldn’t make headway in the running game with MLB Ray Lewis roaming around and the Margarita defensive line beating up the Chicago offensive line (outside of OG Tom Sanders). Passing was even worse for Chicago, with hard luck QB Mike “Air” Marino unable to locate his well-covered receivers the few times he was upright. DE All Pro put on an exhibition of pass rush moves that baffled usually solid OT John Tate and managed 2 sacks and constant pressure against Marino. DT Aragorn, matched up with OG Mark Sheet, had an easy time getting pressure up the middle by simply bull-rushing all day and ended with 3.5 sacks. Meanwhile, the Margarita running game was finding the going easy by ground. The rookie DTs Lork and Triop each got their chances against OG Lone Star, only to fail miserably. Lone Star bulldozed them out of the way to give RB Mutt and FB Teeny some clear running lanes as the two combined for 176 yards rushing and 3 TDs. So despite San Antonio’s aerial attack being shut down yet again (kudos to S Shut Down and CB Sean Sharper), the Margaritas have a mostly effortless win against the Eagles 21-0 and went back to their hotel to watch the outcome of the Portland – Albuquerque game.

*****

A "barnburner" of a match-up in El Paso, as the Fargo Fighting Crawfish came to town. The two teams have combined for a total…total!...of one win on the season and last season they tied for the worst record in the ZFL. The tiebreaker ‘won’ by El Paso last year gave them the chance to draft their promising young QB Dan McGwire, while Fargo seems to have missed out for now on El Poopiehead.

Both teams found success running the ball. Fargo’s Ordinary Guys OT Charlie and OG Ray had an easy time against the weak El Paso DTs and opened lanes easily for FB Ty Wick and RB Glutton for Punishment. If not for the ferocious tackling of MLB Brian Bosworth (17 tackles), Fargo might’ve ended the day with over 200 yards rushing. As it was, Glutton for Punishment still managed 149 yards and 3 TDs. El Paso likewise found success with RB Blair Thomas running up the gut except when DT The Defense got a hold of him. For the most part, FB Rashaan Salaam made sure Thomas had a clear path to run. Thomas had a pair of long TD runs (poor tackling by the ‘Fish LBs more than anything) which inflated his numbers somewhat to 166 yards rushing and 3 TDs.

With both teams’ running games on fire, it would come down to the performance of the first and second overall picks in the draft this year as to who would be victorious. Hint: his name doesn’t begin with El Poopiehead. The Poopster actually did manage a TD passing, which was more the brilliance of RB Glutton for Punishment taking a nice sideline run and stiff-arm on OLB Mike Croel off a screen pass, but the rest of the day, he was an inaccurate as he’s been all year. On the other side of the ball, facing no pass rush for the second straight week and poor coverage, QB Dan McGwire thrived. He finished with 366 yards passing and 3 TDs, all to his wideouts. For the second straight week, El Paso’s offense clicked while Fargo’s defense self-destructed. The final tally was El Paso 42, Fargo 28.

*****

The first game between teams on the plus side of .500 ‘Pitt’ed the Brad Pitt-led defense of the LA Stars against the Birmingham Olympians. The Olympians have been excellent defensively but a little low on the offensive firepower, while LA has played overall solid defense but can’t get their passing game out of the doldrums.

An offensive slugfest this was not. QB Bernie Mac had another of his typical performances, as he was often off the mark even when his receivers were open. S Odysseus had a fine game going up against WR Ashton Kucher. On the ground, however, LA’s RB Rodney Dangerfield had himself a very respectable day, especially considering the defense the were facing. For one of the first times this year, the Atlantis DEs were neutralized by the LA OT’s Mathew McConaughey and Freddie Prinze Jr., allowing Dangerfield room to turn the corner on some outside runs. OLB Aristotle gave a good effort to track him down, but Dangerfield won more of the battles and ended with 82 yards and 2 TDs, both TDs behind OT Freddie Prinze Jr. On the flip side, the Olympians had an ineffective passing game, as WR Arnold Schwartzeneggar was repeated shut down by former teammate S Ray Liotta and DE Toby McGwire feasted on OT Cronus by zipping past him for 2.5 sacks. Surprisingly, Birmingham was unable to crack the Star run defense. MLB Brad Pitt was outstanding in tracking down HB Roman, even when G Another Troy opened good holes for the back. He had to settle for outside runs, but Roman is a much better back going north and south, and Pitt’s mobility made it easy for him to shut down the outside runs even more easily than the inside ones. Another tough loss for Birmingham, once expected to make a run at the revrew trophy, as they fell to the now 5-3 Stars 14-0.

*****

Yet another battle of offense vs. defense, as the Knoxville Rednecks battled the Milwaukee Muscle Men. The Muscle Men defense has managed 4 shutouts in 7 games, but interestingly when they’ve failed to shut an opponent out in those other three games, they’ve lost, perhaps a testament to the sad state of their offense. That fact is music to the Knoxville defense, a unit that has been fairly ineffective this season, but covered well by the offense scoring so much.

Milwaukee actually had some offensive success today, as RB Ricky Williams and FB Bulldozer were able to make some headway against Knoxville’s defense. The two didn’t get much help from their offensive line, but with Bulldozer leading the way through the Knoxville LBs, Williams was able to crack the 100-yard mark and score a pair of TDs. But that would be all from Milwaukee, because even though QB Dan Marino moved the ball well through the air (240 yards passing), CB Deion Jackson and S Pass it Somewhere Else Jackson helped shut down the Muscle Men receivers at the goal line.

Knoxville’s great offensive personnel allowed them to attack the Milwaukee defense in a way that it hadn’t been attacked all year long. Knowing they would face an uphill battle running the ball and dealing with OLB Superman, WRs Jackson Jackson and Luke Jackson ran a number of quick sideline routes. With QB Thumbless Jackson’s precision, the plan worked perfectly. CB Patrick Surtain and S Brock “Please don’t throw my way” Marion are normally pretty good defenders, but were disarmed by the Knoxville talent. Thumbless racked up an incredible 268 yards (incredible against Milwaukee, that is) and 3 TDs against the Muscle Men, while RB Leon Jackson was able to score on a draw play running behind OG Fort Sumter Jackson, who did a great job of sealing off DT No Name Necessary on the play. The ‘Necks dismantle the Muscle Men and move to 5-3 on the year with a 28-14 victory.

*****

Finally we come to the spotlight game of the week which could have a major impact on the revrew trophy winner this year, Portland, winners of 7 straight, vs. Albuquerque, winners of 6 straight. For Albuquerque, this was essentially a must-win, as a loss would put them 2.5 games behind Portland. A win on the other hand would draw Portland, Albuquerque, and San Antonio into a 3-way tie for first at 7-1. Albuquerque sports the league’s most potent offensive attack, averaging over 31 points a game, while Portland boasts the third-stingiest defense, giving up an average of 10 points per game.

The Isotopes came out firing on their first drive, with QB Moe “Kid Gruesome” Sizzlack firing perfect passes to WRs Quagmire and Primetime. The drive culminated in an 11-yard corner route with Primetime beating S Black Mage on the play. In contrast, the Sea Biscuits kept to the ground. All pro guard Erik Flamebeard had a couple of powerful blocks on DT Nelson “The Hammer” Muntz to spring RB Lothar Dirtpounder for gains of 14 and 17 yards. The drive finished with a run over tackle, with OT Leonardo Ruiz Al Elvaro shoving DE Kearney 3 yards deep into the end zone and Dirtpounder scoring untouched to tie the game at 7.

But the Isotopes came back with more from Sizzlack’s arm. They hit on a pretty good offensive plan for the day. Since their guards are so poor and Portland’s vaunted Military Middle of Colonel Joseph C. McCormick III and Captain Bipto are so formidable, Albuquerque kept rolling Sizzlack out and running shotgun plays for the first time this year. Overall the plan seemed to work well to keep away from the pocket which collapsed quickly under the force of the two central defensive powers. Around midfield, Sizzlack threw a pump-and-go that fooled S Black Mage. WR Quagmire was hit in stride as he tore down the sideline and scored to bring the score to 14-7 in favor of the Isotopes.

Portland countered with a bomb of their own on their next series. S Troy McClure drew coverage on Portland great WR Manfred von Richthofen for much of the day, but as Portland continued to run more and set up their passing game, McClure kept cheating off the coverage to help out. Sure enough, on the Portland 45 yard line, the Sea Biscuits ran a play-action pass to Richthofen. The Manchild sold the fake well by putting his hands on McClure as if to block, then broke to the outside and upfield. Even though the pass was underthrown a bit, McClure had no chance on the play, as Richthofen’s hands of glue latched onto the ball and he pranced down the sideline for a 55 yard TD.

Albuquerque continued their dismantling of the Portland defense by sprinkling in some runs behind star OT Ralph Wiggum by RB Guy Incognito with their passing game. Sizzlack continued his laser accuracy and eventually, on the 3-yard line, Incognito bounced one outside and cut inside of OLB Zoinks McAllister to score. Isotopes 21, Sea Biscuits 14.

Neither team was able to accomplish anything on their next drives, but midway through the third, Portland was able to score again. OT Lothar von Richthofen bulled DE Disco Stu over, allowing Dirtpounder to break through a hole, put a move on MLB Ranier Wolfcastle and breezed in for his second score of the day, tying the game at 21.

Early in the fourth, Sizzlack did it again, finding WR Primetime on a 27 yard throw over the middle putting the ‘Topes up 28-21, and scoring more points on Portland than had been hung on them in a single game all year.

Portland, still with plenty of time, marched methodically down the field, with QB Paddy O doing a nice job of hanging back in the pocket and making good throws to favorite target Manfred von Richthofen in between runs up the middle by Dirtpounder. On the Albuquerque 5, Dirtpounder took a pitch from Paddy O and headed for the pylon. OLB Kearney tracked him well, lowered his shoulder, and threw a crunching tackle that separated Dirtpounder from the ball. Fumble! A couple of Isotope defenders swarmed to the ball, but couldn’t pick it up before savvy vet WR Ogadai could scoop it up and dive into the end zone. Touchdown, Portland! Tie ballgame at 28 all.

Albuquerque got the ball with about 4 minutes left, but went four and out when DT Captain Bipto blew up a 4th and 2 run attempt. Portland would have enough time for one more drive. The Isotope defenders dug in and looked to the clock to bring the game to overtime, the province of 3-0 kicker Sir Gary Coleman. Portland advanced little by little, and it seemed that.the Isotope defensive line looked a bit ragged from the constant pounding from the Sea Biscuit offensive line. With about 30 seconds to go, on the 11 yard line, Manfred von Richthofen ran a skinny post past S Troy McClure and Paddy O hit him for the go-ahead touchdown. Portland 35, Albuquerque 28.

The Isotopes had one last chance with the ball on their own 30. Portland dropped their secondary deep but the linebackers didn’t get much depth. Sizzlack dropped back and threw up a prayer to WR Quagmire. Quagmire ran along the sideline, jumped sky-high for the ball and grabbed it…only to have it knocked free by CB Master Hu Li who had coverage on the play.

Great close game by both squads, but Portland remains undefeated at 8-0 while Albuquerque watches its realistic title hopes fade away. This sets up another rematch from last season’s final game in two weeks when San Antonio and Portland clash again (we’re assuming San Antonio will be able to handle Fargo next week). Final score: Sea Biscuits 35, Isotopes 28.


Standings after Week 8

PT 8-0 (98)
SA 7-1 (45)
AQ 6-2 (196)
KX 5-3 (213) (won head to head vs. LA)
LA 5-3 (140)
MW 4-4 (84)
LR 4-4 (157) (won head to head vs. BH)
BH 4-4 (94)
CH 2-6 (185)
EP 2-6 (241)
CN 1-7 (266)
FG 0-8 (301)

[sachmo71]

Damn.

[Coffee Warlord]

Come on Fargo! Kill San Antionio next week!

[NevStar]

Bleh. Congrats to Portland.

[Coffee Warlord]

I still don't think I'm gonna beat San Antonio, quite frankly.

[sachmo71]

Originally Posted by Coffee Warlord

I still don't think I'm gonna beat San Antonio, quite frankly.

I disagree. For whatever reason, my passing game didn't improve, even though my players did. Haven't quite worked it out, but your D will be good enough to stop my O. My D, as good as it is, won't be able to keep you off the board. It's in the cards, bro!

[Coffee Warlord]

Keep in mind though, you beat me last year, and my team hasn't changed much at all. One huge help to the D-line, one minor upgrade at fullback.

Could this finally be the game where Juan 'Voodoo' Jalisco makes his ZFL debut? Portland's never been known for the kicking game (think we've had 1 game that's made it to kickers, ever), but we've got The Man just waiting to close a game out.

[JAG]

Originally Posted by sachmo71

I disagree. For whatever reason, my passing game didn't improve, even though my players did. Haven't quite worked it out, but your D will be good enough to stop my O. My D, as good as it is, won't be able to keep you off the board. It's in the cards, bro!

Upon further review, it seems QB Ryan Leaf may have been a bit hyped up in the offseason, fooling everyone much as Elvis Grbac was when Baltimore picked him up after their Super Bowl victory. But hey, you might not have won the opener without his key TD pass at the end of the game, so that counts for something.

[JeeberD]

What, you mean that Sach didn't fleece me? Hoorah!

Woot, two wins! I'm da MAN!

[sachmo71]

It was a fair trade...till I found out that my scout was rated POOR in Really Old QB's...

[illinifan999]

bump

[JAG]

Week 9

*****

San Antonio vs. Fargo was the most glaring mismatch of the week. San Antonio needed a win to keep pace with the Sea Biscuits in the race for the title and didn’t have a problem getting it against the most generous team in the league, with the ‘Fish allowing an average of 37 points a game.

The Doormat Defense couldn’t even hold the Margaritas to their average. The offensive line laughed at the attempted pressure (solid day for OG Lone Star, holding talented DT The Defense to 2 tackles and no sacks), the backs blew away the linebackers, and even Ryan Leaf finally had himself a good game (220 yards, 3 TDs, 124 yards and 2 TDs to WR Finlandia The Chilly). HB Mutt and FB Teeny mauled the Farg D on the ground to a combined 154 yards and 3 TDs as San Antonio posted 42 points on the hapless Fargo defense.

As an excuse. the defense may have been tired because the offense didn’t last long on the field. Fargo had found a running game in recent weeks, but that came to a crashing halt once they met up with the Margarita defensive line and MLB Ray Lewis. RB Glutton for Punishment, despite his name, was well-satiated by the end of the first half, much less the game. QB El Poopiehead was under fire most of the day and he looked clearly rattled when he was able to even get a pass off. WR Lobsterboy looked extremely frustrated out there, as he was having his way with Margarita CB Bryant Westbrook but The Poopster couldn’t hit him. In the end, score it as another shutout victory for the Margaritas and watch for next week’s Portland – San Antonio game. No matter how Portland does in the later game, the winner of the match next week will have the advantage heading into the final week (and if Portland wins this week and next, will have clinched the title).

*****

El Paso and rookie QB Dan McGwire have been on fire as of late, with the Busters racking up 77 points in the past two weeks combined. A stiffer challenge awaited them this week facing the Milwaukee Muscle Men. Milwaukee boasts one of the most feared defenses in the league and came into the game intending to teach the rookie quarterback what a real defense looked like.

They did all that and more. The El Paso offensive line has been a trouble spot all season long for them and today was no different, as rookie DT No Name Necessary routinely busted up the middle to disrupt McGwire’s rhythm and OLB Superman came untouched on many of his frequent blitzes. McGwire had nowhere to go with the ball and no time to get it there. Superman finished with 4.5 sacks, No Name Necessary garnered 2.5, and the El Paso offense couldn’t even get a single score against the stingy Muscle Men.

Milwaukee, facing one of the weaker defenses it has seen all year, had a veritable offensive explosion. QB Dan Marino Jr., facing no pressure for one of the first times all year, was able to locate WRs Lightning and Nothing but Touchdowns each for a TD. MLB Brian Bosworth had an outstanding game limiting the Muscle Men’s ground gains, as he continually shed FB Bulldozer’s lead blocks to get good tackles on Ricky Williams. Still, Williams was able to finish with 72 yards and a TD. And frankly, any of those TDs were plenty with El Paso’s offensive shortcomings. Milwaukee gets another shutout and again climbs over .500 on the season as the Busters go down 21-0.

*****

Another troublesome game for Cincinnati as the high-powered offense of the Knoxville Rednecks came to town. Knoxville had had a fine season to date, possibly better than might’ve been expected considering their unspectacular defense. Cincinnati has been just awful on offense and defense and had only a victory over Fargo to crow about on the year.

As was usual, Knoxville's offense was off and running from the opening play. Poor Cincinnati matched up one of the least talented secondaries in the league against the league’s most potent air attack with Thumbless Jackson and the JJ – Luke Jackson tandem. The hugely overmatched secondary gave up the highest yardage total on the year, 431 yards and 3 TDs, with Jackson Jackson pulling in an impressive 203 yards to go along with 2 TDs. In the second half, the wide-open passing attack led to the ground game opening up. OG Fort Sumter Jackson led the way through the soft Chap DTs and the Knoxville offensive line in general dominated the battle. Leon Jackson managed 113 yards and 3 TDs as the Chap defenders provided little resistance.

Offensively, QB Mr. Shmallow had a fairly impressive performance. Although he didn’t complete much on CB Deion Jackson’s side of the field, rookie WR Population: Tire and Senor Cardgage each took turns burning S Pass It Somewhere Else Jackson on a fairly regular basis. Even when the wideouts were fairly well-covered, Mr. Shmallow did a fine job of fitting the ball into tight spaces, giving Cincinnati some hope that they have a QB they can compete with (it also helps he wasn’t running for his life like usual behind his offensive line). Unfortunately for Cincinnati, the Knoxville DT’s John Harvard Jackson and Josiah Jackson were factors in the running game even if they weren’t able to mount much of a pass rush. RB Bubs looked a bit worn down from the season (give him a break, he is 34 after all) and went down a bit too easily at times. Put it all together and it equaled another blowout loss for the Chaps, as they showed some promising signs for the future while getting killed in the present. Knoxville wins 42-14 and moves to 6-3, while Cincinnati falls to 1-8.

*****

Little Rock, still high from their crushing win over Cincinnati last week, was given no time to enjoy their victory with Albuquerque next on their schedule. The Isotopes had lost only two games all year, behind a dominant offense and an improving (although still work-in-progress) defense. But Little Rock could boast an offense of their own with the R&R tandem of Rotten and Rajah at QB and RB as well as some skilled defensive players including S Red Herring, one of the favorites for the DROY award.

But QB Moe Sizzlack had the answer for Red Herring today. His renowned accuracy gave his receivers a chance even against the best coverage from the secondary. With OT Ralph Wiggum doing a great job keeping DE L.L. Jeeber D. away from Kid Gruesome, the passing game clicked perfectly. Against a great secondary, Sizzlack shredded the Slick Willies for 245 yards and 3 TDs. On the ground, the Isotopes didn’t do a great job running up the middle with DT Henry Blitzen frequently mauling the center of the Isotope line, but RB Guy Incognito found room to run outside, and FB Drederick Tatum did a fine job lead blocking for his back. Incognito was able to get a pair of touchdowns to go along with 92 yards rushing.

The Slick Willies knew they’d have to have their offense revved up to keep pace with the Isotope offensive machine and their ground game did that and more. RB Rajah Salaeem was a one-man wrecking crew on offense, busting out 134 yards and 3 TDs with little help from his offensive line or fullback. The problem for Little Rock was the surprising meltdown of their passing game. DT Nelson “The Hammer” Muntz had a part in disrupting Rotten’s timing and S Troy McClure showed some impressive coverage on WR Bruce Spinner, as both were instrumental in limiting Little Rock to only one touchdown in the air by each getting a turnover deep in Isotope territory. The inability to move the ball well in the air limited the Slick Willies to ‘only’ 28 points, giving Albuquerque their 7th win on the season with a 35-28 score.

*****

To understand what watching the LA – Chicago game was like, you’d have to watch highlight reels from the early 1900’s where passing was a complete afterthought. You half-expected the teams to form up the flying wedge and have at each other, so poor was the passing in this game and so good was the running.

To start off, Chicago went to their smashmouth offense early to jumpstart what had been a miserable attack these past couple of weeks. To their credit, they were able to establish something against the Stars. Although Brad Pitt did a great job as usual (16 tackles), the rest of the LA front 6 did a poor job in defending the run (OG Tom Sanders may have had something to do with that as well), while FB Josh Hackenstein was solid on the lead block and Randy Steele had a great day grabbing a trio of touchdowns. As mentioned though, the passing game was abysmal. Although OT John Tate did a good job in holding off DE Toby McGwire for the most part, rookie WR O. DeJuan Gavly was covered like a blanket by S Ray Liotta, while lightly regarded CB Mia Sorvino had no difficulty in handling veteran WR Chad Spears. QB Mike “Air” Marino continued his role as ‘Most frustrated quarterback in the ZFL’ as he was only able to throw for a puny 114 yards against the Star defense.

LA’s Bernie Mac was pleased not to have to carry too much of the offensive load against Chicago. Aiming directly for their weak run defense, the Stars’ offensive line demolished Chicago’s defensive line. Just as his counterpart and as he had been doing all year long, MLB El Capone had a big day statistically (15 tackles), but Chicago could not stop RB Rodney Dangerfield, who ended the day with 177 yards and 3 TDs. But like Chicago, the Star offense was limited to the ground. Despite OTs Mathew MacConaughey and Freddie Prinze Jr. giving Bernie Mac all day to throw, his throws were too often off the mark for the receivers to do much with the ball. Add in the great coverage from the Chicago secondary of S Shut Down (excellent job in limiting WR Ashton Kucher to 3 catches and 41 yards) and CB Sean Sharper and LA came close to equaling Chicago’s output through the air with 108 yards passing.

After the Neanderthal head butting had concluded, the score remained tied at 21. Bring on the kickers!

Battle of the Little kickers! Chicago actually had to wake up K Little Foot to get him out to the middle of the field (apparently the run-fest was a turn-off for him). The LA sideline cheered as hero K Little Val Junior trotted out to face off against his opponent. A couple of giant trucks towed in the prop to be used for today’s contest: a giant maze of mirrors. Each kicker would begin at the opposite end of the maze and race as best they could to complete the maze. If they didn’t meet up, the winner would be whomever completed the maze first. If they did meet up, the winner would be whomever was further along in the maze. Besides 7 years bad luck, breaking a mirror was also grounds for disqualification.

Both kickers began the maze slowly. Little Foot had a hard time in particular, looking like he had a headache from seeing himself reflected in numerous directions and constantly running into the walls of the maze. Little Val adjusted quickly after his initial troubles and began making his way as best he could. Little Foot’s head was spinning a bit as he moved forward and realized he had come to a closed intersection and had to turn around. Little Val eventually ran into the same problem and had to retrace his steps back. The retracing led to a lot of confusion for the kickers as they tried to determine where they had been and where they were going. It was a bit difficult to see who was making more progress, but it seemed like Little Foot was actually started to do better and get the hang of the maze. This continued until some minutes later, when Little Foot saw the exit in a reflection while Little Val was still figuring out where he was. Little Foot tried to follow the reflection and finally figured out what direction it was coming from. He turned left, then right, then right again, and there it was stretching out before him! A stunning upset for Chicago…until he stepped out and realized he exited the same entrance from where he began. His groan of disgust actually helped Little Val get his bearings and find the correct way to his real exit. LA gets the 3 points and the win, 24-21.

*****

Finally, an important game for Portland this week as a prelude to their showdown next week with San Antonio as they squared off against the Olympians. If they were to lose this week, that means that the winner of next week’s Portland – SA match would take the title with a win. If Portland could pull off a win today and next week, only they could clinch a title with a win, with San Antonio having to beat Portland and these same Olympians the final week of the year to take home the revrew trophy.

This was a hard fought close game most of the way. Portland’s dynamic offensive line met its match against Birmingham’s stellar defensive line. Although OG Eric Flamebeard was able to win most of his battles against DT Hera, DT Cyclopes did an impressive job disrupting their inside running game by overpowering Tim the Troll at the point of attack. On the edges, OT Leonardo Ruiz Al Elvaro and DE Another Atlantis fought to a standstill, while OT Lothar Richthofen had a long day against the original Atlantis. Without the offensive line blasting holes open, RB Lothar Dirtpounder looked a little intimidated (it didn’t help that the lead blocking from FB Mr. Bungle was subpar) and the Olympian LBs Excaliber and Aristotle did a good job tracking him down. The Portland passing game was mostly ineffective as well. QB Paddy O looked a bit shaken with DE Atlantis breathing down his throat and missed his share of throws to WR Manfred von Richthofen, who had his hands full against S Odysseus.

For the Olympians, the offensive struggles they had had all year continued under pressure from Portland’s defense. QB Zeus Reloaded was constantly flushed from the pocket by Colonel Joseph C. McCormick III (DT Captain Bipto was actually slowed down some by G Another Troy), and had nary a chance to find an open receiver with CB Master Hu Li draped over favorite target WR Arnold Schwartzeneggar. Meanwhile, the Military Middle did a great job in preventing the Olympians from getting anything going running the ball. HB Roman usually fell right in behind massive G Another Troy as he had in previous weeks, but with Captain Bipto battling him ferociously, MLB Sectoid Commander had a more or less easy time bring Roman down before he could do real damage.

Back and forth the two teams went for the better part of four quarters. K Juan “Voodoo” Valisco started warming up on the Portland sideline as it didn’t appear that there would be a thaw in the offensive action. But when it appeared the game was headed for overtime, S Odysseus finally slipped up against WR Manfred von Richthofen, who made an acrobatic catch along the left sideline at the Olympian 46 and sprinted towards the end zone. CB Hektor was barely able to track him down, but not before The Manchild brought Portland down to the two yard line. With about two minutes remaining, once the Sea Biscuit formation was lined up, Paddy O snapped the ball immediately and handed off to Lothar Dirtpounder. Somewhat surprised, Birmingham didn’t appear to be well set for the play and Dirtpounder followed Erik Flamebeard into the end zone for the first score of the day. Birmingham went four and out on their final series, with DE Dr. Hans Schlotnik getting the game-clinching sack on Zeus Reloaded. Portland wins 7-0 and remains unbeaten with a chance to lock up the first revrew trophy next week against San Antonio.


Standings after Week 9

PT 9-0 (98)
SA 8-1 (45)
AQ 7-2 (224)
KX 6-3 (227) (won head to head vs. LA)
LA 6-3 (161)
MW 5-4 (84)
LR 4-5 (192) (won head to head vs. BH)
BH 4-5 (101)
CH 2-7 (209)
EP 2-7 (262)
CN 1-8 (308)
FG 0-9 (343)

[illinifan999]

I so need a real kicker.

[sachmo71]

PT kicker wins the game for them.
I lost to AQs kicker.
-------------------------

San Antonio loses to Portland 3-0. Bank on it.

[Marmel]

Another notch in the belt of Little Val.

[Coffee Warlord]

Voodoo Jalisco remains the Greatest Kicker to Never Play A Game!

[illinifan999]

bump

[JAG]

Sorry guys, was out for the weekend and busy at the end of last week. I'll get the writeups as soon as I can.

[illinifan999]

Take your time, just making sure it doesnt go to page 2.