Have you ever cheated on a spouse/long-term other?

[ThunderingHERD]

Originally Posted by Izulde

Depends on the type of cheating you're talking about.

The act of sleeping with somebody else, not that big a deal.

It's emotional cheating that I won't tolerate.

This sounds like someone whose idea of relationships is primarily informed by Meg Ryan movies.

[RendeR]

Originally Posted by ThunderingHERD

This sounds like someone whose idea of relationships is primarily informed by Meg Ryan movies.

Everyone's view of relationships is different.

Friends
Friends with benefits
fuck-buddies
lovers
girlfriends
wives
sexual tension relievers

What I always had the biggest issue with was the "who do you belong to" concept.until I finally figured out that no one belongs TO anyone. You may belon WITH someone or many someones, who really knows?

I almost always get asked "Well what happens when so and so demands too much of your time or when so and so gets jealous" and no matter how i try to explain it, it remains a connundrm for most people.

Jealousy is a completely wasted emotion. It creates conflict, causes anger and pain and does noting but destroy relationships.

Be done with it I say. Drop kick the jealousy and your life will be a brighter place.

but I babble.

[Eaglesfan27]

Couples therapy isn't my speciality, and never was, but "open relationships" almost never work in the long term in the experience of myself and almost every colleague who I've ever discussed the topic with at various seminars.

[RendeR]

Originally Posted by Eaglesfan27

Couples therapy isn't my speciality, and never was, but "open relationships" almost never work in the long term in the experience of myself and almost every colleague who I've ever discussed the topic with at various seminars.

Perhaps your, and their, definition of "open relatoinships" is entirely too broad a pen to stroke with?

There are thousands of relatoinsip-types out there, whats best for some folks is worst for others, we're human, we can't all conform to any one ideal of what should work.

Everything boils down to monogamy or polygamy (not in the marriage definition, but in the relationship one).

Can we truly 'Love' more than one other person? There is no right answer there. many people say no way. Some will say Maybe and still others will say of course we can, we do it all the time.

What 'works' and what doesn't is entirely up to the individuals involved and anyone sitting back counting beans and trying to juge such things is wasting their time and effort.

hrm, I seemed to lose track of my point there somewhere, sorry for that.

[ThunderingHERD]

Originally Posted by Izulde

Depends on the type of cheating you're talking about.

The act of sleeping with somebody else, not that big a deal.

It's emotional cheating that I won't tolerate.

Also: I picked blackberries with your girlfriend last night.

[Eaglesfan27]

Originally Posted by RendeR

Perhaps your, and their, definition of "open relatoinships" is entirely too broad a pen to stroke with?

There are thousands of relatoinsip-types out there, whats best for some folks is worst for others, we're human, we can't all conform to any one ideal of what should work.

Everything boils down to monogamy or polygamy (not in the marriage definition, but in the relationship one).

Can we truly 'Love' more than one other person? There is no right answer there. many people say no way. Some will say Maybe and still others will say of course we can, we do it all the time.

What 'works' and what doesn't is entirely up to the individuals involved and anyone sitting back counting beans and trying to juge such things is wasting their time and effort.

hrm, I seemed to lose track of my point there somewhere, sorry for that.

I don't want to sidetrack this interesting discussion. But you are fooling yourself if you think anyone can completely eliminate jealousy from their lives. Some can repress it better than others, but it is one of the most basic emotions we have as humans and it enters into the equation for all of us. It's just a matter of how we deal with it.

[RendeR]

DOLA: just to add that I honestly believe if any 'couple' is so far down the unhappiness ladder to really require therapy? Perhaps they souldn't BE a couple anymore.

I do understand that communication is key and perhaps I'm being a bit closed minded on that. But if you can't communicate in your relationship on your own, what good is some therapist gonna be?

[RendeR]

Originally Posted by Eaglesfan27

I don't want to sidetrack this interesting discussion. But you are fooling yourself if you think anyone can completely eliminate jealousy from their lives. Some can repress it better than others, but it is one of the most basic emotions we have as humans and it enters into the equation for all of us. It's just a matter of how we deal with it.

I agree with you almost entirely. I myself have recently been reminded of the fact that we can't eliminate it altogether, but everyone can learn to recognize it in themselves and figure out why its there and work to curtail it.

its still a complete waste of energy. It does nothing but hurt everyone involved.

[RendeR]

my god my typing gets worse and worse by teh post....

[Farrah Whitworth-Rahn]

I've been trying to find Arlie a girlfriend for years. Does that count?




Edit to add a smiley, lest anyone think I'm remotely serious.

[stevew]

I remember this one time i cheated on the Steelers by rooting for the Bengals. Then Shorty put me in his sig.

[sabotai]

I don't cheat. I just fuck prostitutes.

[stevew]

Originally Posted by Farrah Whitworth-Rahn

I've been trying to find Arlie a girlfriend for years. Does that count?

If your trying to find him a warm vagina in Phoenix, Mike D'Antoni will probably have some free time after the first round of the playoffs.

[CU Tiger]

Originally Posted by Eaglesfan27

Couples therapy isn't my speciality, and never was, but "open relationships" almost never work in the long term in the experience of myself and almost every colleague who I've ever discussed the topic with at various seminars.

Is it possible to get a fair analysis here?
I mean if it is working and they are completely happy they wouldnt seek a therapist input about it. I mean you only see the probleem cases and say it rarely works.

I would imagine you have a pretty off guess at the number of couples who live this lifestyle, I mean its not something one would announce at parties, so what if 1 in 10 marriages is open and 1 in 5 of those have problems and 9 out of those 10 seek help from you or colleagues and 99 out of 100 of those end poorly. In a 10,000 couple sample size 1000 would be open 200 have problems 180 seeek help and 178 fail. By your analysis its a horrible plan when in actualty There are 800 perfectly happy couples out there you dont know about.


All that ssaid I am not in nor havee I ever been in an open relationship and cant imagine it, i jusst wouldnt work for me. I have very strong jealous tendencies and want to be thee center of everything.

To the original poll I have but not in a marriage and never would in a marriage.

[Farrah Whitworth-Rahn]

Originally Posted by stevew

If your trying to find him a warm vagina in Phoenix, Mike D'Antoni will probably have some free time after the first round of the playoffs.

Ouch.

[RendeR]

Originally Posted by CU Tiger

Is it possible to get a fair analysis here?
I mean if it is working and they are completely happy they wouldnt seek a therapist input about it. I mean you only see the probleem cases and say it rarely works.

I would imagine you have a pretty off guess at the number of couples who live this lifestyle, I mean its not something one would announce at parties, so what if 1 in 10 marriages is open and 1 in 5 of those have problems and 9 out of those 10 seek help from you or colleagues and 99 out of 100 of those end poorly. In a 10,000 couple sample size 1000 would be open 200 have problems 180 seeek help and 178 fail. By your analysis its a horrible plan when in actualty There are 800 perfectly happy couples out there you dont know about.


All that ssaid I am not in nor havee I ever been in an open relationship and cant imagine it, i jusst wouldnt work for me. I have very strong jealous tendencies and want to be thee center of everything.

To the original poll I have but not in a marriage and never would in a marriage.

*applauds* nicely said.

[Eaglesfan27]

As a student of human nature, I think that most people are like CU Tiger (maybe not strong jealous tendencies but some level of jealousy) and could not tolerate being in an open relationship. I would be shocked if 1 in 10 marriages were open and only 1 of 5 of those had problems. I stand by my statement that most humans are inherently too jealous too tolerate being in an open relationship. Shrug.

Edit: Although, I do agree that there is selection bias in the clinical population that I've studied. However, my education goes beyond just patients seen.

[Fidatelo]

Originally Posted by RendeR

But if you can't communicate in your relationship on your own, what good is some therapist gonna be?

You've basically just said that Eaglesfan27's career is worthless. Well put.

[Galaxy]

Originally Posted by molson

JimmyWint is in the house

The memories:

http://www.operationsports.com/fofc/...Ashley+Madison

[RendeR]

Originally Posted by Fidatelo

You've basically just said that Eaglesfan27's career is worthless. Well put.

Thats not what I said or implied at all, but you're twisting of the context shows creativity, keep trying.

[Galaxy]

Originally Posted by Eaglesfan27

I've been tempted once or twice, but I've never cheated. I just couldn't face my wife after doing that even if I knew I would never be caught.

http://www.operationsports.com/fofc/...highlight=work

[Galaxy]

What the hell is "Big Love"? Is that a tv show with Pumpy dating big women?

[Fidatelo]

Originally Posted by RendeR

Thats not what I said or implied at all, but you're twisting of the context shows creativity, keep trying.

While I enjoy being creative, I don't really think I did much twisting. Read what you wrote, if I were EF27 (or a therapist in general) I'd have been offended.

[korme]

Originally Posted by stevew

I remember this one time i cheated on the Steelers by rooting for the Bengals. Then Shorty put me in his sig.

It felt good, didn't it. Almost too good.

[CamEdwards]

Originally Posted by Fidatelo

While I enjoy being creative, I don't really think I did much twisting. Read what you wrote, if I were EF27 (or a therapist in general) I'd have been offended.

I think you're easily offended. As someone who's attended couples therapy early on in my marriage, if my wife and I weren't able to communicate effectively on some level, I really DON'T think therapy would have worked. There has to be a base to build on that some people don't have.

Therapists can certainly facilitate BETTER communication, or help you recognize when you start to go off track, but I don't know that a therapist can build good communication skills where none exist.

[CamEdwards]

dola- I'm defending RendeR. What IS this world coming to?

[Racer]

Originally Posted by CU Tiger

Is it possible to get a fair analysis here?
I mean if it is working and they are completely happy they wouldnt seek a therapist input about it. I mean you only see the probleem cases and say it rarely works.

I would imagine you have a pretty off guess at the number of couples who live this lifestyle, I mean its not something one would announce at parties, so what if 1 in 10 marriages is open and 1 in 5 of those have problems and 9 out of those 10 seek help from you or colleagues and 99 out of 100 of those end poorly. In a 10,000 couple sample size 1000 would be open 200 have problems 180 seeek help and 178 fail. By your analysis its a horrible plan when in actualty There are 800 perfectly happy couples out there you dont know about.


All that ssaid I am not in nor havee I ever been in an open relationship and cant imagine it, i jusst wouldnt work for me. I have very strong jealous tendencies and want to be thee center of everything.

To the original poll I have but not in a marriage and never would in a marriage.

Fifty percent of marriages end in divorce, correct? Sorry to nitpick, but I would imagine at least half of "open" marriages end in divorce and maybe more.

[Drake]

Hmm. I was in an open marriage for awhile.

Only problem was that no one told me about it until it wasn't open anymore.

(One of the funny things about infidelity: the first time it happens to you is the last time you ever see any humor in it. Except for the Silverman/Damon/Kimmel/Affleck thing -- that's still funny.)

[Eaglesfan27]

FWiW, I wasn't offended.

[Drake]

Do you wear reading glasses when you're doing therapy, EF? I think all psychiatrists should have to wear reading glasses.

[Eaglesfan27]

Originally Posted by Drake

Do you wear reading glasses when you're doing therapy, EF? I think all psychiatrists should have to wear reading glasses.

I need reading glasses all of the time. When I played sports, I wore sports goggles. Without them, I can't see.

[Ksyrup]

Nope. Not really interested in it, at all, to the point that I've never even been in a situation where I've been tempted or given anyone the impression I was remotely interested.

Basically, I've got my hands full understanding the woman with me now, and I have absolutely no interest in trying to figure out another one.

[BishopMVP]

Originally Posted by Eaglesfan27

I need reading glasses all of the time. When I played sports, I wore sports goggles. Without them, I can't see.

Get contacts. You can get them with night-vision and a zoom lens and be a borderline superhero now.

[Zelig]

I have just enough energy to keep afloat in this cess pool, much less cheat on the side.

[lighthousekeeper]

Originally Posted by Eaglesfan27

I need reading glasses all of the time. When I played sports, I wore sports goggles. Without them, I can't see.

I'm glad I can finally put a face with the name.

[Antmeister]

Oh, so this is why most people don't have wives on the message board.

[Izulde]

Originally Posted by ThunderingHERD

This sounds like someone whose idea of relationships is primarily informed by Meg Ryan movies.

Not really. (In fact, I don't recall ever watching a Meg Ryan movie, though I know who she is).

I just take the viewpoint that sex is a fun activity and doesn't necessarily have to be a closed-circuit affair.

Romantic love, on the other hand, -should- be closed. If I was in a relationship or a marriage and my partner fell in love with somebody else, I would end the relationship or the marriage. I refuse to be second in a person's heart in a relationship.

[path12]

In my early twenties I did. Karma came sweeping in about 12 years later with my second wife leaving me for another guy. I believe in karma, and would never cheat again.

[MikeVic]

Originally Posted by BishopMVP

Get contacts. You can get them with night-vision and a zoom lens and be a borderline superhero now.

I am being serious. Can you get night-vision contacts?

[MikeVic]

Originally Posted by Shorty3281

It felt good, didn't it. Almost too good.

Quiet Bengal. Don't you have the Bayside Tigers to root for?

[cuervo72]

Originally Posted by Izulde

I just take the viewpoint that sex is a fun activity and doesn't necessarily have to be a closed-circuit affair.

That's why we have webcams now.

[Radii]

Originally Posted by Drake

Do you wear reading glasses when you're doing therapy, EF? I think all psychiatrists should have to wear reading glasses.

I picture EF27 sitting in his office w/ his patients in a McNabb jersey myself.

[Edward64]

The answer is "no, never" and I have had plenty of opportunities in my travels. This is not to say I don't look at attractive women but always have controlled my impulses.

Funny story:

I just came back from a 2 week trip to SE Asia. In Manila there is an overbundance of attractive, young women who would go for a US guy (ex. with the hope for a longer relationship).

On my last night in town, I purposely turned down a partying trip with co-workers so I could buy some pearls (relatively cheap in Manila) for the wife. That evening, I was doing some work on my laptop by the pool (enjoying the weather). It was closed, no one else around but they did not ask me to leave.

I pack up to go back to the room and get a vm beep (in Manila, my AT&T connection don't always work and it is not unusual to miss the call). It was from my wife so I called her back immediately.

She is upset because she called 10 minutes ago and a female answered.

She: Hello, is Edward there?
Her: (with an accent) Hold on.
She: Hangs up.

I tell my wife that I have no idea how this happened, had no alibi because I was working by the pool without any witnesses and I started laughing at the situation.

Here I was being the good boy, staying away from temptations, and a totally random incident made my wife think I was cheating on her. What irony.


* * * *

With that all said, I do not believe it is in Man's nature to be monogamous. I think monogamy is an societal restriction place on Man. Nevertheless, at this stage of our civilization, I do believe monogamy is a good thing (ex. Just because it is in Man's nature to sleep around does not mean Man should act on it).

[korme]

Originally Posted by lighthousekeeper

I'm glad I can finally put a face with the name.

YOUR GOD DAMN RIGHT BASEBALL'S FINEST

[korme]

Originally Posted by Izulde

Not really. (In fact, I don't recall ever watching a Meg Ryan movie, though I know who she is).

I just take the viewpoint that sex is a fun activity and doesn't necessarily have to be a closed-circuit affair.

Romantic love, on the other hand, -should- be closed. If I was in a relationship or a marriage and my partner fell in love with somebody else, I would end the relationship or the marriage. I refuse to be second in a person's heart in a relationship.

So if your girl was in love with you and would drop everything she was doing to make you happy, you'd be ok with that if some guy was balls-deep in her every Sunday morning?

[Rizon]

Is it possible to fudge a bank statement?

[Neon_Chaos]

I've never been put into a situation where I was tempted to cheat, so no, I haven't cheated.

Not sure what'll happen if I'm put in that predicament, though.

[Fidatelo]

Originally Posted by Drake

(One of the funny things about infidelity: the first time it happens to you is the last time you ever see any humor in it. Except for the Silverman/Damon/Kimmel/Affleck thing -- that's still funny.)

*nods*

[lighthousekeeper]

Originally Posted by Edward64

The answer is "no, never" and I have had plenty of opportunities in my travels. This is not to say I don't look at attractive women but always have controlled my impulses.

Funny story:

I just came back from a 2 week trip to SE Asia. In Manila there is an overbundance of attractive, young women who would go for a US guy (ex. with the hope for a longer relationship).

On my last night in town, I purposely turned down a partying trip with co-workers so I could buy some pearls (relatively cheap in Manila) for the wife. That evening, I was doing some work on my laptop by the pool (enjoying the weather). It was closed, no one else around but they did not ask me to leave.

I pack up to go back to the room and get a vm beep (in Manila, my AT&T connection don't always work and it is not unusual to miss the call). It was from my wife so I called her back immediately.

She is upset because she called 10 minutes ago and a female answered.

She: Hello, is Edward there?
Her: (with an accent) Hold on.
She: Hangs up.

I tell my wife that I have no idea how this happened, had no alibi because I was working by the pool without any witnesses and I started laughing at the situation.

Here I was being the good boy, staying away from temptations, and a totally random incident made my wife think I was cheating on her. What irony.

sounds like you're lying...

[Edward64]

Originally Posted by lighthousekeeper

sounds like you're lying...

I swear. True story.