Any advice gratefully received

[AlexB]

I've notice that there seem to be a lot of supportive people in this forum and I'm opening up to these people now - I'm not looking for the 'we're all with you' type post, but hoping for a little direction. Basically I need a little help and advice...

When I'm out and enjoying myself I know I'm a popular guy - I'm pretty funny, able to listen and offer good advice to people who need it, but feel this has put me in a position that I can't ask people who are close to me for help - I've tried to put out subtle messages to my brother but he doesn't seem to pick up on them, and if truth be known I'm too proud to admit to him the true picture.

I have the image of being a good laugh, not extroverted but funny, enjoying a good time, being a reference for cool (although if I'm honest this is based now on past reputation!), being a true friend - I'm a great listener and have been able to help people through difficult or delicate situations, never the leader of a group but always a valuable member.

When I'm out and enjoying myself, the above is still true, unfortunately I over intellectuallise, analyse and complicate things, especially when I don't go out so often (if I'm not invited by people I refuse to ask to be included - that is beneath me), and have found myself becoming quite a snob in all honesty, thinking that most people outside my small close circle are jerks and/or scum.

Throughout my life people have moved away - at 31 years old this is I'm assuming the case for many people: my two closest friends now live in Canada and Australia, my college girlfriend moved with her family to Spain, my other close friends are now either married or in long term relationships and don't feel the need to be as social as they once were (unfortunately I'm one of those guys who is always a great male friend to girls but not boyfriend material).

I realised that I was sinking into a rut about two or three years ago, quit my job and went travelling through Asia and Australia for 18 months in the hope that I rediscover / find myself - I never did.

When I came back I needed an income and was headhunted by a small company in the specialied industry I found myself in (although I am not sure why, I have always been highly rated - results do bear this out, but I don't know why this is: sometime ignorance is bliss I guess) and moved to a new town. My friends and brother had all found themselves long term partners, and although I see them occasionally on my old stamping ground, I now find myself staying in a lot. I find it hard to trust people and find new friends, girlfriends because of one particular ex, and friends largely I think because everybody I have ever been close to have moved to other parts of the world, not in the UK, but other countries.

As a result of circumstance and my own weaknesses/foibles I now feel very alone, and it's really beginning to get me down.

I apologise as no doubt this sounds like a huge whine about how life is unfair, but it's not meant to sound like that - what I've typed before is meant as background (and has taken me about an hour to type, and many backspaces!).

Nobody, including my family, seems to see any problems, largely because I put on a mask when I am around my friends who are still at home, and I am too proud to admit that I am not happy.

I just need some advice as to who to speak to, where to go: I don't like or trust my GP, and I'm not sure that they're the right person anyway - I want somebody to notice that I am asking for help without me having to spell it out. Music sport and film can only fill so much of the void, and I could do with some constructive advice.

Sorry about the downer thread on a forum for an American football game, but I have noticed some good advice for others on problems, and was hoping for a bit of the same...

[oliegirl]

I am not sure what types of organizations you have in the UK, but in America there are groups like Habitat for Humanity - they build houses for underpriveleged families - and I know from experience that these are great ways to meet people. Everyone is there to work and have fun and basically, meet people...lots of singles participate. Are there any sports you are interested in and could join a team? What about people you work with? Are there any people in your office who are single - men or women? You could try to organize a happy hour after work, just send out an email to the people in your group or to people you know are single and suggest going to a pub after work for a couple of drinks. Hope this helps!!! Good luck!!!

[Johnny93g]

Dude, i really hope someone you know will step up and listen....its tough......im very much the same way, but i pretty much came out and told my friends this week that i need them to listen and support me....and what happend was they did, and still are....they stepped up, all i had to do was ask......dont be to proud to admit your struggling with something....their no different then you...good luck

[Eaglesfan27]

I think oliegirl had some good sugggestions. I'd be looking at trying some new activities that are by their nature social. Pick something you'll enjoy so that even if you don't meet a friend/girlfriend during the activity, you still will have had fun. Over time, I'm sure you'll make some new friends. For example, I had a friend who was going through a similar problem and he decided he always wanted to learn to cook, so he took a night time cooking class at a local community college and met some friends and girl that he has been dating for a few months now.

[bryce]

I was in your situation a few years ago. I graduated college and moved to a new city for a job, not really knowing anybody, and being the introvert that I am, shy, very self-conscious, and having no confidence whatsoever, it was rough. My first two years in said city, I didn't go out at all, didn't know anybody, and didn't do anything - I basically lived like a hermit. It was a miserable existence.

I knew I couldn't go on like that, so I ended up writing a novel in my spare time - it was more therapeutic than anything else I could have done for myself at that time. I never did anything with the book, but finishing it gave me one of the greatest feelings I've ever had. And somewhere along the way, I actually met some people, went out a little bit, and made some friends. Here am I am three years later, and I have a great girlfriend I plan to propose to in the near future, some of the best friends a guy could ask for who would do anything for me (and vice versa), and a feeling of well-being that I've never had previously.

Long story not-so-short, find something to fill that void that you currently feel, and in due time, you'll crawl out of your hole. It may not feel like it now (trust me, I know), but it'll happen.