Wedding Question

MikeVic · 02-09-2010, 10:30 AM

No I'm not getting married, but I'm asking about the etiquette on a situation.

I have a friend that moved to the U.S. a few years ago, and now he's getting married. He asked me to be part of the wedding party and I said yes. However, with financial crap I'm now thinking I don't think I can afford to spend about $1000 to fly and stay there, then another $X for tux rental and gift. So I want to tell him I can't make it out. The wedding is at the end of July.

If that was the whole story, I'd just back out and be OK with it. But, I'm thinking if I can store away money for a vacation for next winter, I'd go to some warm place and probably spend about the same amount. If I go to the wedding, that's completely out of the question. If it adds anything to the thought process, I rarely go on vacation. I went to Vegas this summer, and I went to visit this friend and see a Steelers' game a few years ago... those are the only two airplane vacations I've been on.

What are thoughts on this here, since I've been stuck on this for awhile.

Izulde · 02-09-2010, 10:35 AM

How close is the friend?

DaddyTorgo · 02-09-2010, 10:36 AM

how good a friend? I mean if the guy asked you to be a part of the wedding party I assume he's a pretty good friend right? Are you going to regret not going to the wedding in the future?

Dr. Sak · 02-09-2010, 10:36 AM

Few thoughts:

Is there someone you could share the hotel costs with? A friend to split a room?

How far is the drive? I'm not really sure where you live or where you are going.

Personally, if you are traveling far and spending a lot of money going to someone's wedding and being in it, I don't think you should feel too bad for not getting them a gift.

rowech · 02-09-2010, 10:37 AM

All I can say is this...I've been to every one of my friend's weddings except one. I had just got a new coaching job and didn't feel I could leave and miss practices and a scrimmage. I regret it to this day. Your friends only get married once. (in theory) You can always go on vacation at some other point in the coming years or make a vacation by taking a couple extra days after the wedding at whatever location the wedding is.

Just my opinion from my experience.

cougarfreak · 02-09-2010, 10:39 AM

Any potential with the bridesmaids?

Logan · 02-09-2010, 10:50 AM

If you'd rather use the money for a vacation later one, that tells you that either he's not a close friend, or you're a shitty friend. Sorry about either.

It's fine if it's too expensive to go, but that's in the context of "I need to pay rent" or "I know I have to replace my transmission in the coming months" not "I want to go somewhere warm."

MikeVic · 02-09-2010, 10:50 AM

We became friends in grade 12, we went to the same University but different fields and have the same circle of main friends. I was surprised I was asked to be in the wedding party over a couple of other friends that I (and the other people in the circle of friends) thought to be closer to him.

I don't know if I'd regret not going, I'm more worried about making him feel bad or pissed off or whatever.

Driving is too far, I'd be going from Winnipeg (centre of Canada) to somewhere in Pennsylvania. I visited that area a few years ago, I'd like to go somewhere else before going back to the same area.

molson · 02-09-2010, 10:56 AM

Do you think the wedding could be more fun than the vacation? I mean, it's Pennsylvania, but a lot of your friends will be there. If you spend a week you could visit NYC, D.C., Philly, whatever.

It's totally reasonable for you not to go. But if it's going to fun, then everybody wins.

MikeVic · 02-09-2010, 11:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Logan

If you'd rather use the money for a vacation later one, that tells you that either he's not a close friend, or you're a shitty friend. Sorry about either.

It's fine if it's too expensive to go, but that's in the context of "I need to pay rent" or "I know I have to replace my transmission in the coming months" not "I want to go somewhere warm."

If I could afford to fly to multiple places every year, I would. But with other bills, entertainment money is very tight.

MikeVic · 02-09-2010, 11:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cougarfreak

Any potential with the bridesmaids?

No idea, I barely know anything about the fiancee.

MikeVic · 02-09-2010, 11:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by molson

Do you think the wedding could be more fun than the vacation? I mean, it's Pennsylvania, but a lot of your friends will be there. If you spend a week you could visit NYC, D.C., Philly, whatever.

It's totally reasonable for you not to go. But if it's going to fun, then everybody wins.

No one wants to stay longer than needed, due to vacation time and cost. So I don't think it'll be anything other than the wedding.

MikeVic · 02-09-2010, 11:23 AM

Does it change anyone's thought process if I was in a wedding party for another friend a few months ago in which the Pennsylvania friend in question was the best man... but he didn't plan a bachelor party for the groom and it fell on my shoulders to do a last-second thing? And the Pennsylvania friend in question didn't fly in for it either, but he did fly in two months before it for a cousin's birthday (and which was supposed to be the bachelor party but he dropped the ball on that)?

Mustang · 02-09-2010, 11:28 AM

I view it as a honor to stand up in anyone's wedding.

It seems your wanting to go boils down to one item. You don't want to go to Pennslyvania and would rather save your money to go someplace else.

If you want to go you can take steps to figure out how to save money. You can explain to him that you would really like to come, but money is tight. Is there someone you could stay with for a few days.

Deep down, if you don't want to go, do your friend a favor and tell him now so he can focus his energy on finding friends that actually want to be there as it doesn't sound like you care to be there.

Swaggs · 02-09-2010, 11:31 AM

I agree with Logan's post. If you are flat broke and cannot afford to go, that is different than not wanting to pay to go because you'd rather spend your money on a vacation later on. It also seems like you don't even really want to spend the time on it, which is almost as bad. I think it would be a pretty d-bag move to drop out of the wedding party after agreeing to be in it.

I'd say that, if you care about keeping the friendship with this guy (and potentially the group of friends), you should suck it up and go. If you don't care if you ever see the guy again, drop out. I guess it comes down to whether or not the friendship is expendable to you. I just think that you shouldn't have told them that you would be in the wedding party if you feel that way.

Mustang · 02-09-2010, 11:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MikeVic

Does it change anyone's thought process if I was in a wedding party for another friend a few months ago in which the Pennsylvania friend in question was the best man... but he didn't plan a bachelor party for the groom and it fell on my shoulders to do a last-second thing? And the Pennsylvania friend in question didn't fly in for it either, but he did fly in two months before it for a cousin's birthday (and which was supposed to be the bachelor party but he dropped the ball on that)?

Ok... information I wish I would have seen BEFORE my post as this information makes you seem less like a selfish dillhole.

Sounds as though the Pennslyvania person is more of a casual friend period so, I could see your reservations for not being too geeked up to go. Need to tell him ASAP though.

Rizon · 02-09-2010, 11:36 AM

Vacation > Coke+hookers > online gambling > video games > wedding

johnnyshaka · 02-09-2010, 11:41 AM

I was in a wedding this past summer and like you I was a little surprised to be asked and I couldn't really afford to be there.

We did grow up together but I moved away 10 years ago and we only see each other when I'm home...maybe once a year, if I'm lucky. We do talk via email regularly and he stood up for me 5 years ago and did have to fly across the country to do so and pay for a hotel. So, I couldn't say no and figured I owed it to him as he obviously thought I was a good enough friend to ask in the first place.

So my wife and I decided to make a vacation of it...left the kids at home and everything!! We couldn't really afford it but, like you, we haven't vacationed much at all so we bit the bullet and just did it. We just finished paying off the trip last month and we don't regret it one bit.

Now, had I not gone, and because of the money...well, I would've probably regretted it.

Lathum · 02-09-2010, 11:45 AM

How many people are in the wedding party on each side?

If it is 3 I would say it is important to him that you are there ,if he has a crazy fiancee that wants 8 people on each side then it would seem like he just needs people to put in spots and I wouldn't feel bad.

Young Drachma · 02-09-2010, 11:52 AM

I've been on both sides of this. I think I'd tell you it's completely up to you and in either case, it doesn't make you a shitty friend. People tend to have their own perspectives on these "responsibilities" and expect other people to stand on the ground as they walk on them, all because they're the ones getting married.

Not everyone has a financial wellspring from which they can draw from for occasions like these. Another thing is, once one friend asks and you do it, then other friends start to expect the same thing and if you don't accommodate them, then it's often the cause of bad feelings too.

So I'd suggest you do what you think is best for your individual situation. A real friend will understand the circumstances and usually, if it's a friend that you're close enough to, these questions will never come up, you'd just go.

But for me, there are only like four people in my life where that's the case...and the rest, it'd be an honour and yet, still on a case by case basis depending on my circumstances.

Just offering a differing bit of perspective.

QuikSand · 02-09-2010, 11:54 AM

This is not hard. Suck it the fuck up, go to the damned wedding, and just be the person that your mother hoped you would be.

Logan · 02-09-2010, 12:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MikeVic

If I could afford to fly to multiple places every year, I would. But with other bills, entertainment money is very tight.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MikeVic

Does it change anyone's thought process if I was in a wedding party for another friend a few months ago in which the Pennsylvania friend in question was the best man... but he didn't plan a bachelor party for the groom and it fell on my shoulders to do a last-second thing? And the Pennsylvania friend in question didn't fly in for it either, but he did fly in two months before it for a cousin's birthday (and which was supposed to be the bachelor party but he dropped the ball on that)?

So it sounds like you're saying that he falls more under the "he's not a close enough friend to warrant the hassle/cost of the trip" which is fine. Just don't confuse that with "it's too expensive to go however its not too expensive to take a trip later on." You're using a justification when it isn't necessary.

edit: You previously agreeing to do this is a separate issue. If you decide against going, make sure you are honest about why you aren't going anymore...and please god don't do it over email or a text.

MikeVic · 02-09-2010, 01:22 PM

Thanks for the honest answers guys. I'll probably just end up biting the bullet, skipping another vacation, and going since it must mean a lot to my friend and I'd feel really bad if I backed out now. I shouldn't have accepted in the first place, but since I did, I'll man up and join him on this special day.

I really appreciate the responses.

DaddyTorgo · 02-09-2010, 01:25 PM

how long ago did you accept Mike? Are we talking days? Weeks? Months?

Dr. Sak · 02-09-2010, 01:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MikeVic

Thanks for the honest answers guys. I'll probably just end up biting the bullet, skipping another vacation, and going since it must mean a lot to my friend and I'd feel really bad if I backed out now. I shouldn't have accepted in the first place, but since I did, I'll man up and join him on this special day.

I really appreciate the responses.

You never know...maybe you'll get lucky.

Or maybe you won't and wind up waking up with Pumpy in your bed.

johnnyshaka · 02-09-2010, 01:31 PM

MV, for what it's worth...why not try to make a holiday out of it...maybe head somewhere else of interest (either by plane or drive) before or after the wedding?? IIRC, you're still relatively new to golf...head to Myrtle Beach and play a little golf or head down to Florida and check out Disney World??

JS19 · 02-09-2010, 01:35 PM

Sounds like a great episode for Curb Your Enthusiasm.

MikeVic · 02-09-2010, 02:42 PM

I accepted either end of December or around there, which is when he asked. And I can only hope to wake up with Pumpy!

I'd love to turn it into a vacation, if it wasn't just me. It's not as fun. The other friends going already said they just want to go for the wedding and then go back home. Other friends in the circle have been planning a warm get-away for next winter (December 2010), so they're out. I'll see what happens, but if I can get everyone to go on some package flight and hotel thing, I'd go back with them. If not, maybe I'll stick around and site-see by myself for a bit.

Passacaglia · 02-09-2010, 02:49 PM

Makes sense....Pumpy would love to hear that you're going to be in Pittsburgh and want to get together with anyone from FOFC who'll be around then.

Suburban Rhythm · 02-09-2010, 04:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dr. Sak

You never know...maybe you'll get lucky.

Or maybe you won't and wind up waking up with Pumpy in your bed.

I'd think if he woke up with Pumpy, he did get lucky

02-09-2010, 10:35 AM	#2
Izulde Head Coach Join Date: Sep 2004	How close is the friend? __________________ 2006 Golden Scribe Nominee 2006 Golden Scribe Winner Best Non-Sport Dynasty: May Our Reign Be Green and Golden (CK Dynasty) Rookie Writer of the Year Dynasty of the Year: May Our Reign Be Green and Golden (CK Dynasty)

02-09-2010, 10:36 AM	#3
DaddyTorgo Hall Of Famer Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: Massachusetts	how good a friend? I mean if the guy asked you to be a part of the wedding party I assume he's a pretty good friend right? Are you going to regret not going to the wedding in the future? __________________ If I've ever helped you and you'd like to buy me a coffee, or just to say thanks, I have my Bitcoin and Ethereum addressed listed below :) BTC: bc1qykhsfyn9vw4ntqfgr0svj4n9tjdgufryh2pxn5 ETH: 0x2AcdC5cd88EA537063553F5b240073bE067BaCa9

02-09-2010, 11:28 AM	#14
Mustang Grizzled Veteran Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: Wisconsin	I view it as a honor to stand up in anyone's wedding. It seems your wanting to go boils down to one item. You don't want to go to Pennslyvania and would rather save your money to go someplace else. If you want to go you can take steps to figure out how to save money. You can explain to him that you would really like to come, but money is tight. Is there someone you could stay with for a few days. Deep down, if you don't want to go, do your friend a favor and tell him now so he can focus his energy on finding friends that actually want to be there as it doesn't sound like you care to be there. __________________ You, you will regret what you have done this day. I will make you regret ever being born. Your going to wish you never left your mothers womb, where it was warm and safe... and wet. i am going to show you pain you never knew existed, you are going to see a whole new spectrum of pain, like a Rainboooow. But! This rainbow is not just like any other rainbow, its...

02-09-2010, 11:31 AM	#15
Swaggs Coordinator Join Date: Oct 2000	I agree with Logan's post. If you are flat broke and cannot afford to go, that is different than not wanting to pay to go because you'd rather spend your money on a vacation later on. It also seems like you don't even really want to spend the time on it, which is almost as bad. I think it would be a pretty d-bag move to drop out of the wedding party after agreeing to be in it. I'd say that, if you care about keeping the friendship with this guy (and potentially the group of friends), you should suck it up and go. If you don't care if you ever see the guy again, drop out. I guess it comes down to whether or not the friendship is expendable to you. I just think that you shouldn't have told them that you would be in the wedding party if you feel that way. __________________ DOWN WITH HATTRICK!!! The RWBL Are you reading In The Bleachers?

02-09-2010, 01:25 PM	#24
DaddyTorgo Hall Of Famer Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: Massachusetts	how long ago did you accept Mike? Are we talking days? Weeks? Months? __________________ If I've ever helped you and you'd like to buy me a coffee, or just to say thanks, I have my Bitcoin and Ethereum addressed listed below :) BTC: bc1qykhsfyn9vw4ntqfgr0svj4n9tjdgufryh2pxn5 ETH: 0x2AcdC5cd88EA537063553F5b240073bE067BaCa9

02-09-2010, 10:36 AM	#4
Dr. Sak Grizzled Veteran Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: Stuck in Yinzerville, PA	Few thoughts: Is there someone you could share the hotel costs with? A friend to split a room? How far is the drive? I'm not really sure where you live or where you are going. Personally, if you are traveling far and spending a lot of money going to someone's wedding and being in it, I don't think you should feel too bad for not getting them a gift.

02-09-2010, 10:37 AM	#5
rowech Pro Starter Join Date: Feb 2006	All I can say is this...I've been to every one of my friend's weddings except one. I had just got a new coaching job and didn't feel I could leave and miss practices and a scrimmage. I regret it to this day. Your friends only get married once. (in theory) You can always go on vacation at some other point in the coming years or make a vacation by taking a couple extra days after the wedding at whatever location the wedding is. Just my opinion from my experience.

02-09-2010, 10:39 AM	#6
cougarfreak College Starter Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Out of Grad School Hell :)	Any potential with the bridesmaids?

02-09-2010, 10:50 AM	#7
Logan Head Coach Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: NYC	If you'd rather use the money for a vacation later one, that tells you that either he's not a close friend, or you're a shitty friend. Sorry about either. It's fine if it's too expensive to go, but that's in the context of "I need to pay rent" or "I know I have to replace my transmission in the coming months" not "I want to go somewhere warm."

02-09-2010, 10:50 AM	#8
MikeVic Head Coach Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Hometown of Canada	We became friends in grade 12, we went to the same University but different fields and have the same circle of main friends. I was surprised I was asked to be in the wedding party over a couple of other friends that I (and the other people in the circle of friends) thought to be closer to him. I don't know if I'd regret not going, I'm more worried about making him feel bad or pissed off or whatever. Driving is too far, I'd be going from Winnipeg (centre of Canada) to somewhere in Pennsylvania. I visited that area a few years ago, I'd like to go somewhere else before going back to the same area.

02-09-2010, 10:56 AM	#9
molson General Manager Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: The Mountains	Do you think the wedding could be more fun than the vacation? I mean, it's Pennsylvania, but a lot of your friends will be there. If you spend a week you could visit NYC, D.C., Philly, whatever. It's totally reasonable for you not to go. But if it's going to fun, then everybody wins.

02-09-2010, 11:23 AM	#13
MikeVic Head Coach Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Hometown of Canada	Does it change anyone's thought process if I was in a wedding party for another friend a few months ago in which the Pennsylvania friend in question was the best man... but he didn't plan a bachelor party for the groom and it fell on my shoulders to do a last-second thing? And the Pennsylvania friend in question didn't fly in for it either, but he did fly in two months before it for a cousin's birthday (and which was supposed to be the bachelor party but he dropped the ball on that)?

02-09-2010, 11:41 AM	#18
johnnyshaka College Benchwarmer Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: Edmonton, AB	I was in a wedding this past summer and like you I was a little surprised to be asked and I couldn't really afford to be there. We did grow up together but I moved away 10 years ago and we only see each other when I'm home...maybe once a year, if I'm lucky. We do talk via email regularly and he stood up for me 5 years ago and did have to fly across the country to do so and pay for a hotel. So, I couldn't say no and figured I owed it to him as he obviously thought I was a good enough friend to ask in the first place. So my wife and I decided to make a vacation of it...left the kids at home and everything!! We couldn't really afford it but, like you, we haven't vacationed much at all so we bit the bullet and just did it. We just finished paying off the trip last month and we don't regret it one bit. Now, had I not gone, and because of the money...well, I would've probably regretted it.

02-09-2010, 11:45 AM	#19
Lathum Favored Bitch #1 Join Date: Dec 2001 Location: homeless in NJ	How many people are in the wedding party on each side? If it is 3 I would say it is important to him that you are there ,if he has a crazy fiancee that wants 8 people on each side then it would seem like he just needs people to put in spots and I wouldn't feel bad.

02-09-2010, 11:52 AM	#20
Young Drachma Dark Cloud Join Date: Apr 2001	I've been on both sides of this. I think I'd tell you it's completely up to you and in either case, it doesn't make you a shitty friend. People tend to have their own perspectives on these "responsibilities" and expect other people to stand on the ground as they walk on them, all because they're the ones getting married. Not everyone has a financial wellspring from which they can draw from for occasions like these. Another thing is, once one friend asks and you do it, then other friends start to expect the same thing and if you don't accommodate them, then it's often the cause of bad feelings too. So I'd suggest you do what you think is best for your individual situation. A real friend will understand the circumstances and usually, if it's a friend that you're close enough to, these questions will never come up, you'd just go. But for me, there are only like four people in my life where that's the case...and the rest, it'd be an honour and yet, still on a case by case basis depending on my circumstances. Just offering a differing bit of perspective.

02-09-2010, 11:54 AM	#21
QuikSand lolzcat Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: Annapolis, Md	This is not hard. Suck it the fuck up, go to the damned wedding, and just be the person that your mother hoped you would be.

02-09-2010, 01:22 PM	#23
MikeVic Head Coach Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Hometown of Canada	Thanks for the honest answers guys. I'll probably just end up biting the bullet, skipping another vacation, and going since it must mean a lot to my friend and I'd feel really bad if I backed out now. I shouldn't have accepted in the first place, but since I did, I'll man up and join him on this special day. I really appreciate the responses.

02-09-2010, 01:31 PM	#26
johnnyshaka College Benchwarmer Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: Edmonton, AB	MV, for what it's worth...why not try to make a holiday out of it...maybe head somewhere else of interest (either by plane or drive) before or after the wedding?? IIRC, you're still relatively new to golf...head to Myrtle Beach and play a little golf or head down to Florida and check out Disney World??

02-09-2010, 01:35 PM	#27
JS19 College Prospect Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: NY	Sounds like a great episode for Curb Your Enthusiasm.

02-09-2010, 02:42 PM	#28
MikeVic Head Coach Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Hometown of Canada	I accepted either end of December or around there, which is when he asked. And I can only hope to wake up with Pumpy! I'd love to turn it into a vacation, if it wasn't just me. It's not as fun. The other friends going already said they just want to go for the wedding and then go back home. Other friends in the circle have been planning a warm get-away for next winter (December 2010), so they're out. I'll see what happens, but if I can get everyone to go on some package flight and hotel thing, I'd go back with them. If not, maybe I'll stick around and site-see by myself for a bit.

02-09-2010, 02:49 PM	#29
Passacaglia Coordinator Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: Big Ten Country	Makes sense....Pumpy would love to hear that you're going to be in Pittsburgh and want to get together with anyone from FOFC who'll be around then.

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