When Do You Treat Your Adult Child Like An Adult !

[Marc Vaughan]

1) The use of "her daughter" was more of an emphasis as to how I think my wife views the relationship. She only our daughter until I say or do something she doesn't agree with. She's our daughter when I pay for her student loans. She's our daughter when I give her a car. She's our daughter when she needs me to help her with the research paper. She's our daughter when she wanted to come home for the weekend and her mother was to tired to go get her. She our daughter when I think you get the point.

I'd just have a quiet and calm talk with your wife - indicate that being a father isn't about shooting sperm all over the place, its about being there when a kid is growing up and doing the best you can by them.

As far as I'm concerned you're dad from the sounds of it ... end of story, biology doesn't come into play at all. This is something my wife and I established very early on in our relationship and if she ever tried to say otherwise she knows I'd hit the roof (abeit she's more likely to say she's MY child when she's rebellious these days ).

(I'm somewhat biased on this because my daughter isn't biologically my child - but damned if she isn't my daughter, heck she's got more of my mannerisms than the boys have )

5) A agree that I am partly the problem because I let it happen. It's not that I haven't tried. I do consider myself a nice guy and this is a fault to a certain degree that I just don't know how not to be that way. I try to avoid conflict when possible because it general results in a pitty-party for the oldest, no communication and the youngest feeling bad. I guess my desire to keep a peaceful house is viewed as a weakness.

I'm also a fairly peace loving guy (my excuse is that I use up all my bossyness at work ) and tend to be fairly mellow at home ... however my wife is aware that there is a line and that it doesn't move with regards to certain things.

The fact that our kids are our kids and that they're all treated the same is one of them (to be honest we'd never have stayed together at the start if she hadn't let me be a parent - it'd have driven me nuts).

My wife's opinion is that I am just anti-everything with the 22 year old and don't act the same with the 14 and 16. She doesn't want to acknowledge that the 14 and 16 do exactly as they are told and respect what I say and don't challenge me. The 22 has challenged me at every chance because she knows Mom has got her back and I will eventually cave, which I did way to much of in my effort to keep peace and not have my youngest around constant contention. That was my fault big time.

To be honest this 'could' be partially down to personalities of the kids though.

My daughter (14) very much has a mind of her own and will challenge authority regularly. The important thing is to try and ensure that you and your wife back each other up - splitting the parents is the oldest trick in the book for kids and can be very damaging to a marriage imho.

One thing you could possibly try is just having a silly word which you say to warn the other person they're stepping on your toes (fiddlesticks for instance) - something this strange can act as a mental prompt and help avoid an arguement by warning the person to back off.

My wife and I do this and if we disagree with the others actions we will afterwards take them aside without the kids present to discuss why we disagreed .... but to the kids we have a united front and if we then change tact its also done using a united front.

7) I came to the forum because I thought I would get an un-biased opinion and possible thoughts from someone else who has been through this. If I talk to my family they say cut them both loose as I have already bent over backwards for both of them.

I don't know how long you've been together - but I'd never personally suggest 'cutting lose' if there's any chance of salvaging a relationship.

Life isn't the movies, marriage can indeed suck at times and indeed there are times when you and your wife might hate the sight of each other - but you got together for a reason and with hard work and commitment its amazing how strong a relationship can be.

The longer you're marriage the less likely its going to be that you have the rose tinted glasses you had when you first met (ie. you'll be aware of all their little flaws) - but also the better you know each other and the more comfortable you should be together, but comfortable doesn't mean complacent.

I really feel for you in your circumstances - it sucks and while obviously no one knows accurately the situation without being closer to it, it does sound like a lot of stuff was beyond your control.

Now your daughter is older its obviously going to be harder going to handle things - but that doesn't mean its impossible .... I'd hang in there myself and try and have a long talk with my wife if I was you.

[Kodos]

HA is always a good role model to follow.


"You stand there while I... errr.. COME ON .... COME ON....ARRRRRRRRGGH UNNNN! STUPID DOOR. WHY WON'T YOU COME OFFFF?!?!11? ARRRRRRRRGH!"

[Eaglesfan27]

Originally Posted by Kodos

HA is always a good role model to follow.


"You stand there while I... errr.. COME ON .... COME ON....ARRRRRRRRGGH UNNNN! STUPID DOOR. WHY WON'T YOU COME OFFFF?!?!11? ARRRRRRRRGH!"

LOL.

Really good post, Marc. I'll also fourth (or whatever) those who have suggested professional marriage counseling (and probably some family therapy as well.)

[Anthony]

Originally Posted by mtolson

Agree and disagree to a point.

She makes more than my wife but no where near what I make. The gas thing didn't happen like you may think. I moved her car out the way of my wife's car as I was going to drive it to save some mileage on mine. While I was warming it up I came back in the house and made a comment to my wife that she purposely parked behind her because she was out of gas. My wife really didn't have much to say. I then went to the store and came back. When I got back my wife asked me if I was going back out. When I stated yes, she hit me with the "could I take her car and put some gas in it." I just gave this look like "you have got to be kidding." Before I could say a word she was rolling her eyes and saying " just forget it, I'll do it myself " which she did as there was no way in hell I was going to put gas in her car.

Your right with the sucker part.

hey, i just read an article in CNN about a guy who kicked his 3 year ol in the head because she wouldn't go to sleep, and neither he nor the mother did anything (they had warrants out for their arrest). the girl wound up dying, so he cut her head off, buried her body in a wooded area and put her head in a dumpster (presumably to prevent her from being identified). as much as i was critical about you - let's put it into perspective here. you aren't a monster and you probably prefer to not make waves when it isn't necessary and things have unfortunately got out of hand because the old saying goes "give 'em an inch and they'll want more" or something like that. i can see where you're coming from. you're obviously trying as a parent, and you at least care cuz if you didn't you would've thrown her out of the house or worse.

i'm firm, but fair when it comes to criticism.

[Anthony]

Originally Posted by Kodos

HA is always a good role model to follow.


"You stand there while I... errr.. COME ON .... COME ON....ARRRRRRRRGGH UNNNN! STUPID DOOR. WHY WON'T YOU COME OFFFF?!?!11? ARRRRRRRRGH!"

i RIPPED it off. bare hands.

then the adrenaline wore off and i was pissed at the inconvenience of having to fix it. i wound up nailing it together (i essentially broke it in half) and putting it back up, to kinda serve as a way of reminding all what happens when David Banner gets angry.

i'm a firm believer that there's nothing wrong with being angry, it's just a problem if you direct that anger at a person. my coping mechanism of displacing my aggression on inanimate objects works for me.

[Anthony]

Originally Posted by Drake

He's not the only male. His son is cute as a button.

just for that i will award you with 2 pics of AJ.




this is the Halloween outfit that the Chad Pennington's wife gave to us (my wife's good friend is the nanny for the Jets) before he was traded.


i'm gonna eat him. i swear i will. i'm gonna rub buffalo wing sauce on him and eat him up.

[Suburban Rhythm]

Originally Posted by Marc Vaughan

indicate that being a father isn't about shooting sperm all over the place, its about being there when a kid is growing up and doing the best you can by them.

We do agree that it is the best part though, right?

[Drake]

...Before I could say a word she was rolling her eyes and saying " just forget it, I'll do it myself "...

Just because I'm morbidly curious, does anyone have a wife who doesn't do this? I get it if my wife asks me to do something like throw around the laundry if I sit for more than five seconds after the request is made.

On the other hand, I've never seen a guy do it.

Edit to add: For the record, I've told my wife on numerous occasions that I find this tremendously disrespectful. It is, in essence, expecting me to "hop to it" just like she does the kids. Her position is that the kids learn how to treat her from my example, and when I don't immediately do what she asks, I'm telling them it's okay to not do what she says. I disagree. It's an impasse we live with.

[lordscarlet]

Originally Posted by Drake

Just because I'm morbidly curious, does anyone have a wife who doesn't do this? I get it if my wife asks me to do something like throw around the laundry if I sit for more than five seconds after the request is made.

On the other hand, I've never seen a guy do it.

Edit to add: For the record, I've told my wife on numerous occasions that I find this tremendously disrespectful. It is, in essence, expecting me to "hop to it" just like she does the kids. Her position is that the kids learn how to treat her from my example, and when I don't immediately do what she asks, I'm telling them it's okay to not do what she says. I disagree. It's an impasse we live with.

I don't think my wife does. I will try to pay attention, though. My wife and I have an unusual ability to get along, though, and I know it is atypical. I told her from the get-go that I'm a lazy son of a bitch, so she would never expect me to just "hop to it." She does know, however, that I will get to it, so mayb ethat helps. If I left it completely undone many times, maybe things would change.

disclaimer: we have only been married for a little over a year and have no kids.

[Drake]

Hmm. My wife is (by her own admission) very much one of those people who, if they don't do it right away, won't ever get to it. She's a serious procrastinator.

Which is why I suspect that it's so important to her that I hop to it.

Aside: I love that halloween costume picture.

[terpkristin]

There's been a lot of good advice given in this thread, and I really have nothing to contribute in that vein. I don't have kids, and I have no idea what it's like being a parent, so who am I to talk, right?

I just thought I'd chime in with asking how the other 2 kids feel about the 22 year old. I'm the oldest of 3 (my brother is 2 years younger than me, my sister 2 years younger than him), and I'm 29 now. It frustrates my sister and I to absolutely no end to see how my "adult" brother acts, and how much it stresses out my parents. I understand that my brother's had some issues in the past (drugs, college dropout, etc), but he's a father now, and my sister and I (and my folks) think he needs to be more responsible, but he acts like a child and makes horrible decisions. He had a steady job with health insurance in Hot Springs, Arkansas, and when he and the wife (and the kid) decided to move back to New Orleans, he quit it. He and his wife currently work as bicycle delivery people and are always needing money, which they ask my parents for (why they don't ask her dad is beyond me). And my folks give it, dipping into their retirement savings to ensure that they (my bro and sis-in-law), and their grandson, don't starve. But even in that situation, my brother hasn't even tried to get a real job that might help (admittedly in this economical climate it might be tough, but he's been this way all year, before the collapse), outright saying he doesn't want a regular job because it'll cramp his freedom. Freaking hippie.

I guess I'm just adding this to ask you to make sure your other 2 kids are OK with what's going on. They may not have a choice, per se, but they may end up helping sway things one way or the other.

/tk