The Bill Gates Challenge, Part V: Big Trouble In Little Texas... - Page 3

Kodos · 06-19-2003, 06:35 PM

Awww, there's nothing wrong with a little harmless stun-rod fun!

Kodos · 06-19-2003, 06:36 PM

From: Randall Parra
To: Bill Gates & Kodos
Subject: Dallas Cowboys

Injury Report:
Roosevelt Murray, QB - Out (torn thumb ligament)
Dale Corbett, WR - Questionable
Ethan Thornhill, T - Questionable
Eric Blades, LB - Questionable
Michael Robertson, G - Questionable
Rico Weaver, FB - Doubtful
Everett Weiner, WR - Out
Leo McCullar, FB - Questionable

Offensive Overview:

The Cowboys will be without the services of regular starting QB Roosevelt Murray, and will go with Tracy Mazurek instead at QB.

Starting Quarterback: Tracy Mazurek
86 for 141, 911 yards, 6 TDs, 5 interceptions this season.
Excellent at throwing short passes.

Starting Running Back: Lester Reynolds
294 carries for 1211 yards, 8 touchdowns this season.
Excellent overall runner.

Starting Flanker: Gino Burroughs
53 receptions for 640 yards, 2 touchdowns this season.
Excellent hands.

Starting Split End: Dale Corbett
60 receptions for 729 yards, 3 touchdowns this season.
Very good third down receiver.

Defensive Overview:

Starting Left Defensive End: Herb Page
30 tackles, 9 assists, 3.5 sacks this season.
Good pass-rusher.

Starting Right Defensive End: Marlon Linquist
36 tackles, 13 assists, 5.0 sacks this season.
Very good defender against the run.

Starting Left Defensive Tackle: Sean Ross
34 tackles, 22 assists, 8.0 sacks this season.
Very good pass-rusher.

Starting Right Defensive Tackle: Cory Mallory*
29 tackles, 11 assists, 3.0 sacks this season.
Fair pass-rusher.

Starting Weak-Side Linebacker: Eric Blades
21 tackles, 6 assists, 2.5 sacks this season.
Excellent defender against the run.

Starting Middle Linebacker: Randal Caldwell
91 tackles, 42 assists, 2.0 sacks this season.
Very good zone pass defender.

Starting Strong-Side Linebacker: Timothy Meadows*
57 tackles, 19 assists, 2.0 sacks this season.
Good defender against the run.

Starting Weak-Side Cornerback: Joel Flannery
44 tackles, 12 assists, 3 interceptions this season.
Very good zone pass defender.

Starting Strong-Side Cornerback: Jerome McCarthy
44 tackles, 6 assists, 6 interceptions this season.
Excellent pass intercepter.

Starting Free Safety: Greg Drayson
90 tackles, 29 assists, 4 interceptions this season.
Excellent man-to-man pass defender.

Starting Strong Safety: Shawn Treadway
86 tackles, 27 assists, 3 interceptions this season.
Very good pass intercepter.

* former Silicon Pirates / current treasonous bastards

Kodos · 06-19-2003, 06:36 PM

Injury Report:

The good news is that starting RB Herb Matthews and backup RB Tommy Douglas should be good to go on Sunday. WR Ty Robbins will also play despite his hip injury.

Rusty Pleasant, G - Sprained Back, full strength in 2015
Jonathan Farmer, C - Torn Thumb Ligament, full strength in 0-2 Weeks
Edgar Justus, CB - Dislocated Knee, full strength in 2015
Ty Robbins, WR - Hip Pointer, full strength in 0-2 Weeks
Herb Matthews, RB - Pulled Groin, full strength in 0-2 Weeks
Paul Everett, DT - Broken Foot, full strength in 2015
Kyle McAfee, T - Dislocated Knee, full strength in 0-2 Weeks

Kodos · 06-19-2003, 06:37 PM

2014 NFC Championship Pre-Game Conference:

We join the conference already in progress...

Jerry Jones: ...as I was saying, Bibi, we beat the Pirates at Gatesville back in Week 2, and I see no reason to think that we won't do the same thing this Sunday.

Bibi Gunn: But Jerry, isn't that a pretty strong statement considering that your starting QB, Roosevelt Murray, won't even be playing due to his torn thumb ligament?

Jerry Jones: Yes, yes, I know Bibi. Now I realize that women don't understand sports - I get that - but Tracy Mazurek is more than capable of winning this game for us. No offense to Roosevelt, but Tracy is a special player, akin to a Ryan Leaf or maybe a Quincy Carter, and I believe he will be able to step right in and get the job done against the depleted Pirates secondary.

Bill Gates: Depleted? Sure, starting right cornerman Edward Justice won't be playing, but Ned Ferguson will do just fine with a little extra support from middle safety Dave Sanderson. And forgive me for saying this, but Tracy Mazurek doesn't exactly strike fear our hearts! The Cowboys will be lucky to score at all! The guy's name is "Tracy," for God's sake! That's a girl's name! How could he possibly be a good quarterbacker? And let's face it: You and your Cowboys couldn't beat us tomorrow even if you still had Roger Starbucks at quarterback.

Jerry Jones: Good god, man! You think that you can actually hold us scoreless? Folks - this is ridiculous. I know that Bill Gates isn't a real football guy like I am, but surely even he can see that we are going to beat them. Heck, we beat a Tampa Bay team that is far superior to Gatesville just last weekend.

Bill Gates: Not a "football guy?!?" Look people, yes it's true that I may not have been on a college football team, or a high school team, or a junior var city team... or even a Pee-Wee Herman team, but may I remind you that my company, Microsoft, has been responsible for many excellent football simulations on the computer and on the X-Box 1, 2, and 3, as well as the soon-to-arrive X-Box 4. So for him to stand there and say that I am not a "football guy" is just ludicrous. Next he'll be claiming that I stole all of my good computer ideas from Apple!

Jerry Jones: Give it a rest, why dont'cha, Bill! Why don't you just admit right now that you wouldn't know football if I crammed one up your money-grubbin' ass!

Bill Gates: Not true! Not true! Bill knows football!

Bibi Gunn: Guys, guys! It's not often that I have to be the voice of reason, but please, please calm down!

Bill Gates: Sorry, Bibi, but he started it!

Jerry Jones: I did NOT!!! That jackass started it 15 years ago when we wouldn't take no for an answer!

Bill Gates: Jackass?!? I'm not the one who turned down a billion dollars for a team that wasn't worth half that much, folks!

Jerry Jones: No means NO!!!!

============================================

We must now interrupt this news conference so that we may bring you our featured film, "Heidi," in its entirety...

Kodos · 06-19-2003, 06:37 PM

Bill Gates: Master Of Motivation

Right before the team was ready to head out onto the field, Billy Boy decided to make a surprise appearance to rally the troops.

"Hey guys, I just wanted to come down here and offer you a few words of encouragement. I think that you've come together nicely since that late-season slide. But all that you have accomplished so far this season, last season, or ever, for that matter, will mean nothing if you lose to the Cowboys today. Do you understand what I'm saying here? It will all mean nothing."

"Uhh, Bill, I think the guys understand how big this game is already. You don't have to talk to them like they were little boys."

"Sure, Kodos. You're absolutely right. I apologize, boys, and everything will be fine just as long as you beat the Cowboys today. Losing is not an option."

"I'm just curious, Bill. Is this how you speak to your employees over at Microsoft too?"

"As a matter of fact, no, it isn't, Kodos. Of course, I'm not on the verge of firing any of them. Anyhow, go get 'em, boys. No holds barred."

After Bill had made his exit, Berg and many of the guys came up to me. "Man! What an asshole! Is he always like that?"

"Pretty much, yeah," I told them. "This whole thing with Jerry Jones has him really strung out most of the time..."

"Why do you put up with it? I'm sure lots of other teams would love to have you, Kodos."

"I know, I know. You're probably right, Berg. But at the end of the day, it comes down to two things: First, I've spent too long building this team to let it go just when it has come into its own, and, second, I can't stand the Cowboys any more than Bill can, and, like it or not, this team gives me the best opportunity to strike at them."

Berg's last words before heading out of the locker room were these: "Boss, when we win this game tonight, I just want you to know one thing. We will have won it for you, not for him."

"Thanks, son. It means a lot to me. Let's just forget all about this crap for now. We've got ourselves some Cowboys to skin!!!"

Nyarlahotep · 06-19-2003, 06:37 PM

Kodos, I have wasted the day away reading up to this point. This is an excellent dynasty and I can't wait to find out if the challange was a success.

Kodos · 06-19-2003, 06:38 PM

2014 Playoffs: NFC Championship Game

Dallas (11-7) at Gatesville (14-4)
==================================

Attendance: 48,200 fans were treated to another Gatesville home game, which had been totally unexpected after our victory over St. Louis in the Wild Card Round two weeks earlier.

The Game:

After a week of off-the-field shenanigans, the actual game was finally at hand, much to the relief of the players and myself. The Cowboys won the toss and chose to receive.

Showing little confidence in Tracy Mazurek, the Cowboys started by handing the ball off on first and second down, gaining 8 yards in the process. On third-and-2, Mazurek hit wide receiver Deon Knox for 6 yards and the first down. A defensive holding call quickly tacked on another 15 yards. Next, Lester Reynolds got the call again, and picked up 9 yards running off of the right guard. Looking to slow their momentum, Joey Rhoades came up with a big sack on second down to set up third-and-7. Mazurek responded by hitting the flanker Gino Burroughs for 9 yards and another first down. Following two incompletions, Mazurek was only able to gain 6 yards on third down, bringing up fourth-and-4 from our 40. From the press box, Jerry Jones told the Cowboy offense to go for it, but Mazurek's pass to Dale Corbett was broken up by linebacker Allen Whitfield, and we had our first possession of the ball!

Berg immediately picked up a first down with two 6-yard scrambles, and Levon Wallace added 3 yards on the ground on our third straight running play. Having established the run, Berg went to the air and found Ralph Randle for 9-yards and a first down. Another Bergeron scramble and a 14-yard completion to Randle moved us to the Dallas 17. A pass that was batted down at the line, a run that was stuffed at the line of scrimmage, and an 8-yard sack of Bergeron gave us fourth-and-18 from the 25. Worse, Chuck Farley had to leave the game with an injury sustained on the failed run play. Still, Broderick Hidalgo's 42-yard field goal put us on top, 3-0.

Following a Cowboy three-and-out, we took over late in the quarter from our own 35. A 22-yard gain by Earl Thornton and a 9-yard Randle pickup quickly moved us into Cowboy territory. However, a clipping penalty soon set the offense back, and we ended up settling for another Hidalgo field goal, this time from 51 yards out. 6-0, Pirates.

Thanks to an unnecessary roughness call on the offense, the Cowboys were forced into another three-and-out, despite completions of 8 yards to WR Peter Duvall and 5 yards to Dale Corbett.

We took over from our 37, and I was as shocked as anybody when I watched third-string RB Everett Schwarz race around the left end and turn it upfield for a 63-yard touchdown! Trying to move the margin to 14, Berg was unable to find Thornton on the 2-point conversion attempt, and the score stayed at 12-0.

The Cowboys came up 3 yards short of a first down, and had to kick it away again after another three-and-out. Mazurek, despite Jerry Jones' earlier assertions, had not been able to get it done so far.

Following an incompletion on first down, Everett Schwarz ran for gains of 15 and 17 yards on our next two plays to move the ball to the Cowboy 40. Next, a Berg draw and a completion to Earl Thornton kept the chains moving. Two incompletions brought up third-and-10, but Berg converted with a 16-yard strike to Ty Robbins. One play later, Berg hit Herb Matthews out of the backfield for a 4-yard touchdown. Incredibly, Hidalgo's conversion attempt sailed right, and the score remained 18-0.

After a touchback on the kickoff, the Cowboys, appearing to have given up on passing the ball, started trying to move it on the ground. It worked on first and second down, as they gained 5 and 3 yards, but defensive end Peter Hickman stopped Lester Reynolds for a 3-yard loss on third down, and on came the punting unit.

Sean Kaplan's 13-yard return set us up at our 49 with just over 2 minutes left, but backup guard Rob Stanton allowed a sack, and Berg lost the ball. Defensive tackle Britt Andersen recovered it on our 44 to give the Cowboys' offense great field position.

Mazurek went to the air immediately, completing passes of 16 and 15 yards to move the ball to our 13. Following an incompletion, Mazurek found Corbett alone in the back of the end zone, and our 18-point lead had shrunk to 11.

With 1:20 left to go in the half, Berg hit Randle on consecutive plays for 10 and 35 yard gains to move the ball to the Cowboy 35 to set up a 49-yard Hidalgo field goal attempt that missed wide right with 5 seconds to go.

With time for just one play left before the half, Mazurek flung a long pass to Corbett for a 43-yard gain that meant nothing.

Berg and the offense took the field in the second half looking to make a statement. On first down, Schwarz went around the left end for 23 yards, which Berg followed up with a 19-yard strike to Ralph Randle. James Pond sprung Schwarz for another 23-yard gain on the next play, and Berg hit Earl Thornton for 13 yards to finish a 4-play, 78-yard touchdown drive and put us up 25-7.

Following a 10-yard Reynolds run on first down, the defense stiffened, and a 12-yard sack by Joey Rhoades signaled it was time for the Cowboys to punt once again.

Our next drive, while not as impressive as our previous drive, did finish with a 26-yard chip-shot field goal that extended our lead to 28-7 with 5 minutes left in the third quarter.

Cowboy safety Gus Bleeck muffed the catch on the ensuing kick, but WR Oliver Carnahan was able to recover it to keep the ball for the Cowboys. It didn't matter much, as the Cowboys' offense was totally ineffective (as they had been for most of the day), and another punt was shortly forthcoming.

Each of the teams' next drives went three-and-out, but a Schwarz fumble that was forced out by former Pirate Timothy Meadows gave the Cowboys the ball on our 35 late in the quarter after Dallas cornerback Damon Tanner recovered it.

Trailing 28-7 at the beginning of the fourth quarter, Mazurek hit Corbett for a 26-yard gain, but the Cowboys ended up settling for a 20-yard field goal after their offense stalled at our 3. Still, we led 28-10 with less than a quarter to go.

We fed the ball to Schwarz for a 5-yard gain on first down, which he followed up with an 18-yard gain off the left side of the line. Two incompletions and a short gain on third down forced us to punt, but Cowboy cornerback Joel Flannery's fumble after a nice 35-yard return was recovered by Levon Wallace to give us the ball back with a fresh set of downs on our own 49. A quick 21-yarder to Ty Robbins moved us into scoring territory, and two plays later Berg hit Earl Thornton across the middle for a 29-yard touchdown. It was now 35-10, Gatesville, and the fans were beginning to celebrate. Bill and I, with our differences temporarily forgotten, were celebrating too.

The Cowboys managed one first down on a couple of runs, but were forced to punt it away again after defensive end Peter Hickman nailed Lester Reynolds for a 2-yard loss on third-and-1.

Gene Abney's punt pinned us at our 2, so we kept to the ground the next few plays. Alas, we were not able to pick up a first down. However, the Cowboys only moved backward with their next possession, and the ball was soon ours once again with just 4:56 to go.

Looking to eat up what remained of the clock, we started feeding Schwarz the ball. He followed a 33-yard gain on first down with a 3-yard loss. A false start before second down backed us up 5 more yards, and Schwarz managed just 2 yards on his next carry. Facing third-and-16, we handed the ball to Schwarz once again, and he picked up the first down with a pretty 22-yard run behind the blocking of Terrance Read. Schwarz was sent to the sidelines for a breather, so Tommy Douglas came in and promptly tore off another 14-yard gain around the right end of the line. Clearly, the Cowboys' defense had been worn down. The drive continued with Schwarz and Douglas alternating carries, until Douglas ran for a 2-yard touchdown just before the 2 minute warning to make it 42-10, Pirates. That night, ESPN and the networks played and replayed footage of a red-faced Jerry Jones winging his playbook against the wall, and with good reason: It was probably the best throw by a Cowboy all day...

The Cowboys offense got a couple more first downs before time ran out on them, but it really didn't mean anything. A 42-10 thrashing had sent them reeling into the offseason like Darth Vader at the end of Star Wars. Sure, they might be back some day, but on this day, we had just plain crushed them.

When all was said and done, we had held the Cowboys to just 66 rushing yards and 173 passing yards on the day, while gaining 297 rushing yards and 247 passing yards ourselves. If you were to ask me, I'd say that's an ass-kicking, yes.

Key Performers:

Maybe Billy Boy's little speech fired third-string RB Everett Schwarz up, because "the Schwarz" was definitely with him as he ran all over the Cowboys defense for a playoff record 234 yards on 20 carries today.

He also got 1 touchdown and coughed the ball up once, but I think we'll be willing to forgive him for that. Obviously, Schwarz was the Game MVP and the Offensive Player of the Week. Wow!

Berg completed 20 of 30 passes for 266 yards, 3 TDs, and no interceptions. His one fumble did set up the Cowboys' only touchdown of the day though.

Earl Thornton had a super day, as he caught 7 passes for 106 yards and 2 TDs.

Ralph Randle also broke the century mark with 106 receiving yards on 8 catches.

Joey Rhoades recorded 2 tackles and made 2 big sacks.

Linebacker Butch Johnston had himself a good game with 10 tackles and 1 assist.

============================================
AFC Championship Game:

The Jets defeated the Steelers decisively to set up a rematch between last year's Super Bowl contestants. Who knows - maybe the Jets will be able to get their payback against us next Sunday, but until morning comes tomorrow, we Gatesvillains are gonna revel in this landmark victory. What a great day for Gatesville fans around the country!



New York    (12-5)  24

Pittsburgh  (14-3)  7

Kodos · 06-19-2003, 06:39 PM

Originally posted by SplitPersonality1:

Go Pirates! Congrats Colonel Kodos on your huge victory against Jerry and the Boys.

As a longtime season ticket holder, do you think Bill can get me one of those X-Box 4's. I can't wait to play Madden 2015.

Kodos · 06-19-2003, 06:39 PM

Originally posted by sterlingice:

'grats on the victory, Kodos.

SI

Kodos · 06-19-2003, 06:40 PM

Thanks, though I think Bill would prefer that you play NFL Fever 2015.

Kodos · 06-19-2003, 06:40 PM

Originally posted by Fonzie:

Congratulations Kodos! A glorious win like this over the hated Cowboys almost makes the Super Bowl anticlimactic.

Kodos · 06-19-2003, 06:41 PM

Originally posted by jfbbis:

Congrats, Kodos! Never tried to find a job writing about real games : you're far better than the guys at Cbs Sportsline !

Kodos · 06-19-2003, 06:41 PM

Originally posted by Godzilla Blitz:

Yahoo!

Bury 'em deep in that Texas soil! Deep, I say, deep down, so that they never rise again.

Fargo Cowboys has a wonderful ring to it. Fairbanks Cowboys would also work. Or maybe even Jakarta Cowboys.

Congrats! Great write-up too!

Kodos · 06-19-2003, 06:42 PM

Thanks, guys!

Hey GB: Maybe if we bury them deep enough, perhaps some day their rotting corpses could turn into oil and become useful once again, much like their dinosaur predecessors from so long ago.

Kodos · 06-19-2003, 06:42 PM

The 2014 Super Bowl

New York Jets (13-5) at Gatesville (15-4)
=============================================

Attendance: 48,200.

The Game:

The Jets came into Gatesville looking to exact some revenge for the 34-7 thrashing that we handed them a year ago in the 2013 Super Bowl, not to mention the 34-21 defeat from Week 1 of this season.

To quote The Rolling Stones: "You can't always get what you want." On the Jets' third play from scrimmage, backup safety Ernest Conner picked off Chad Pennington's first pass of the day and returned it 28-yards for a touchdown. From there, it only got worse for the Jets. In a game that was never close, we took a 21-7 lead in the first quarter and never looked back. Berg had the hot hand and ate their secondary alive with 4 touchdown passes on the day. Sean Kaplan had yet another punt return for a touchdown. Everett Schwarz averaged around 8 yards a pop as he ran for 113 yards. Ralph Randle caught 2 touchdowns. Chuck Farley caught one, as did Earl Thornton. It was all too much for the Jets, who struggled on offense all day, and at the end of the day, we had thoroughly humiliated them by the score of 52-13.

I'd like to think that somewhere over in Dallas, Jerry Jones was watching the game and screaming himself hoarse at what his TV was showing him. Cuz that would just be too beautiful...

Key Performers:

There were no picks in the end zone for Berg today, as he captured his second straight Super Bowl MVP award by completing 19 of 26 passes for 264 yards, and 4 TDs.

Everett Schwarz had a solid performance with 14 carries for 113 yards.

Chuck Farley caught 5 passes for 59 yards and a TD that put us up 28-7 early in the second quarter.

Ralph Randle completed a terrific season by catching 4 balls for 67 yards and 2 TDs.

Earl Thornton finished with 4 catches for 53 yards and 1 score.

Sean Kaplan had 3 returns for 70 yards and 1 TD.

Allen Whitfield made 8 tackles and had 2 assists.

Peter Hickman made 5 tackles and 1.5 sacks.

Ernest Conner had 1 tackle, 1 assist, and 1 touchdown off of 1 interception.

Kodos · 06-19-2003, 06:43 PM

The Super Bowl Winners: 2000-2014

Here is a brief look at how the first 15 Super Bowls of the Bill Gates era have gone. NFC teams have won 11 out of the last 15 Super Bowls. Washington and Gatesville are the only teams to have won the Super Bowl in consecutive seasons. No team has gone undefeated so far, but three teams have gone 17-2 (Arizona, Gatesville, and Washington), with each of those teams claiming victory in the that season's Super Bowl. Gatesville scored the most points in a single Super Bowl (52), while Pittsburgh and Indianapolis have each gotten shut out once.

 

2000

Green Bay (14-6)  19

Baltimore (13-6)  14 

 

2001

Arizona (12-7)      18

New England (14-5)  42

 

2002 

Indianapolis (14-5)  20

Green Bay (14-5)     17

 

2003

Washington (16-4)  27

Oakland (13-6)     24

 

2004

Miami (12-7)       13

Washington (17-2)  48

 

2005

Wichita (12-7)      14

New Orleans (16-3)  19

 

2006

St. Louis (14-5)   34

Pittsburgh (13-6)  18

 

2007

Indianapolis (13-6)  0

Green Bay (16-3)     23

 

2008

Pittsburgh (12-8)     0

San Francisco (15-4)  33   

 

2009

Buffalo (15-4)  38

Chicago (15-4)  13

 

2010

Green Bay (13-5-1)  14

Pittsburgh (15-4)   38

 

2011

Cincinnati (12-6-1)  17

Arizona (17-2)       30

 

2012

Gatesville (13-6)  12

Cincinnati (14-5)  20

 

2013

New York Jets (14-5)  7

Gatesville    (17-2)  34 

 

2014

New York Jets (13-5)  13

Gatesville    (15-4)  52

Kodos · 06-19-2003, 06:43 PM

Super Bowl Win-Loss Records

Here is how every team that has made it to the Big Game has fared up until now. Green Bay has the most appearances (4), but has lost as many Bowls as they have won (2). Three teams (Green Bay, Gatesville, and Washington) have each won 2 Super Bowls, while the Jets are the only team to have lost twice without winning at least once.



               #  Won  Lost   W/L%

Green Bay      4   2    2    .500

*Gatesville    3   2    1    .667

Pittsburgh     3   1    2    .333

Washington     2   2    0   1.000

Arizona        2   1    1    .500

Cincinnati     2   1    1    .500

Indianapolis   2   1    1    .500

New York       2   0    2    .000

Buffalo        1   1    0   1.000

New England    1   1    0   1.000

New Orleans    1   1    0   1.000

San Francisco  1   1    0   1.000

St. Louis      1   1    0   1.000

Baltimore      1   0    1    .000

Chicago        1   0    1    .000

Miami          1   0    1    .000

Oakland        1   0    1    .000

Wichita        1   0    1    .000

Kodos · 06-19-2003, 06:44 PM

Originally posted by stkelly52:

Wahoo!! Another Superbowl victory...but how much did we lose?

Kodos · 06-19-2003, 06:44 PM

Originally posted by Godzilla Blitz:

Congratulations on a season well done!

Kodos · 06-19-2003, 06:45 PM

stkelly: I'll try to fill in that info tomorrow. For now, I can tell you that we cut our losses quite a bit, but will need to do much better soon if I am to be saved as GM...

Kodos · 06-19-2003, 06:45 PM

Originally posted by sterlingice:

Economics tomorrow.

Tonight, looting and vandalism in the streets of Gatesville (...just like any other day ending in "y")

SI

Kodos · 06-19-2003, 06:45 PM

Originally posted by Alf:

Congrats Kodos, everything went smoothly during the playoffs. With Berg at the helm, there was no doubt about that !

Kodos · 06-19-2003, 06:46 PM

Originally posted by revrew:

Adding a SuperBowl touchdown to his storied career, putting the nail in the coffin of the Jets just as they hoped to resurge from falling behind in the first quarter, the legend that is Chuck Farley grows...

Kodos · 06-19-2003, 06:46 PM

2014 Individual Statistics:

QBs

Berg, despite his little interception-in-the-end-zone problem, had another exceptional year, throwing for 36 TDs and over 4400 yards.



Name             GP  GS  Att   Comp  Pct   Yards Avg   Lg

Bergeron, Devin  16  16  517   302   58.4  4425  8.55  80

Birk, Luke       2   0   8     7     87.5  92    11.50 43



Name             TD    Int   Sack  Yards Rate

Bergeron, Devin  36    16    44    264   96.6

Birk, Luke       2     0     3     21    154.1

RBs

It was not a banner year for the ground game, as Berg was our second leading rusher. We didn't pay much attention to rookie Everett Schwarz during the regular season, but he really came through for us bigtime in the playoffs. The competition for the starting position at RB should be pretty fierce next season.



Name              GP  GS  Att   Yards Avg   Lg    TD

Matthews, Herb    13  13  177   782   4.4   74    6

Bergeron, Devin   16  16  97    495   5.1   10    4   

Douglas, Tommy    16  4   85    283   3.3   40    1    

Wallace, Levon    13  13  49    170   3.4   15    2    

Schwarz, Everett  12  1   26    114   4.3   19    0   

Robbins, Ty       14  0   5     17    3.4   7     0     

Wagner, Cedric    11  1   22    15    0.6   5     0

Receivers

Ralph Randle had himself an outstanding year, gaining nearly 1400 yards receiving and scoring 10 touchdowns during the regular season. Opposing defenses had to pick their poison between split end Randle and flanker Earl Thornton, and it looks like Randle benefitted from seeing a lot of single coverage. Fan favorite Chuck Farley fell just short of his 10 TD projection, while gaining over 500 yards receiving for us. Could 2015 be the year Chuck finally gets double-digit TDs?



Name            GP  GS  Ctch  Yards Avg   Targ  CtPct

Randle, Ralph   16  16  89    1369  15.3  150   59.3    

Thornton, Earl  16  16  54    905   16.7  108   50.0    

Robbins, Ty     14  0   40    710   17.7  64    62.5    

Farley, Chuck   16  16  43    569   13.2  73    58.9    

Matthews, Herb  13  13  39    461   11.8  58    67.2    

Douglas, Tommy  16  4   14    194   13.8  24    58.3    

Diaz, Kyle      13  0   10    107   10.7  18    55.5



Name            Lg    TD    YAC   Drop  PsPly TgPct

Randle, Ralph   50    10    524   6     513   29.2    

Thornton, Earl  58    7     405   7     494   21.8    

Robbins, Ty     49    6     154   3     267   23.9    

Farley, Chuck   80    9     260   7     328   22.2    

Matthews, Herb  42    3     333   2     289   20.0    

Douglas, Tommy  49    0     69    1     184   13.0    

Diaz, Kyle      24    0     25    1     108   16.6

Defenders

Our star middle linebacker, Al Ingram, cracked the 100-tackles mark to lead the defense in that department.



Name              GP  GS  Tckl  Asst  Sack  Blk   Hurr

Ingram, Al        16  16  101   26    3.0   1     0       

Sanders, Dave     14  14  80    18    1.0   0     0       

Fuller, Terrance  16  16  71    26    5.0   0     1       

Whitfield, Allen  16  16  59    16    0.0   0     0       

Harden, Joel      16  16  55    15    0.0   0     0       

Ferguson, Ed      16  6   40    12    1.0   0     0       

Stewart, Percy    13  13  36    17    0.0   0     0       

Justus, Edgar     15  12  33    11    0.0   0     0



Name              RnPly PsPly PRPct TkPct

Ingram, Al        265   428   0.9   18.7    

Sanders, Dave     256   417   0.2   14.7    

Fuller, Terrance  331   532   1.1   11.8    

Whitfield, Allen  231   266   0.0   15.0    

Harden, Joel      289   475   0.0   9.1     

Ferguson, Ed      215   393   0.2   8.7     

Stewart, Percy    195   359   0.0   9.5     

Justus, Edgar     170   327   0.0   8.8

Pass Defenders

Strong safety Percy Stewart led the secondary in interceptions with 5.



Name              GP  GS  Ints  IRYd  TD    Cght  Dfns

Stewart, Percy    13  13  5     61    1     27    3       

Harden, Joel      16  16  3     29    0     43    9       

Sanders, Dave     14  14  3     37    1     35    10      

Justus, Edgar     15  12  2     81    1     26    4       

Fuller, Terrance  16  16  1     16    0     43    11      

Ferguson, Ed      16  6   1     23    0     24    0       

Dorsett, Rodney   6   3   1     4     0     9     1



Name              PsPly PDQ

Stewart, Percy    359   38.3    

Harden, Joel      475   31.7    

Sanders, Dave     417   36.7    

Justus, Edgar     327   28.5    

Fuller, Terrance  532   27.1    

Ferguson, Ed      393   17.8    

Dorsett, Rodney   135   28.8

Sack Leaders

Despite a weak defensive line that was hampered by the loss of its best player, Joey Rhoades, for half of the season, we still got a fair amount of sacks. While there we no real standouts as far as sacks go, lots of guys contributed in the harassment of opposing QBs.



Name              GP  GS  Tckl  Asst  Sack  Blk   Hurr

Hickman, Peter    16  12  14    5     7.0   0     1       

Fuller, Terrance  16  16  71    26    5.0   0     1       

Sanders, Patrick  15  15  27    9     4.0   3     2       

Cash, Eric        16  13  26    10    4.0   2     1       

Everett, Paul     16  1   12    2     4.0   0     1       

Ingram, Al        16  16  101   26    3.0   1     0       

Rhoades, Joey     8   8   23    13    3.0   1     1



Name               RnPly PsPly PRPct TkPct

Hickman, Peter     195   231   3.4   6.1     

Fuller, Terrance   331   532   1.1   11.8    

Sanders, Patrick   239   373   2.4   6.5     

Cash, Eric         261   427   1.6   5.8     

Everett, Paul      149   379   1.3   3.4     

Ingram, Al         265   428   0.9   18.7    

Rhoades, Joey      167   247   2.0   9.4

Kodos · 06-19-2003, 06:47 PM

2014 Player Awards:

Devin Bergeron was beaten out for the NFL MVP and Offensive Player of the Year awards by Jon Adams, who rushed for a league record 2044 yards in 2014. Berg did, however, capture first team honors at QB, as well as his second consecutive Super Bowl MVP. He is also Gatesville’s first home-grown player to be "idolized" by the fans. His 4425 yards passing and 36 TDs led the league, as did his 96.6 QB rating. In addition, his 4425-yard performance ranks sixth best for a single NFL season all-time, while his 36 TDs was the third highest total for a season. Only Chris Chandler (38, 37) and Drew Bledsoe (36) have thrown as many or more.

Ralph Randle garnered second team honors at wide receiver.

Al Ingram, despite having his 101 tackles this season move him to ninth all-time in tackles, received no honors this year.

Jerome McCarthy was the only Cowboy to earn recognition. He won first team honors as a cornerback.

Jon Adams, the 7th man drafted in 2011, gained an astounding 2044 yards and 19 rushing TDs on 396 carries. He also caught 34 passes for 227 yards and 1 TD.



  Award                                 Player                  Team  

NFL MVP                                 Jon Adams               TBY     

Offensive Player of the Year            Jon Adams               TBY     

Defensive Player of the Year            Nick Pravato            CLE     

Offensive Rookie of the Year            Reuben Linquist         CHI     

Defensive Rookie of the Year            Van Becker              MIA     

**Super Bowl MVP                        Devin Bergeron          GTV     

**All-Pro 1st Team Quarterback          Devin Bergeron          GTV     

All-Pro 1st Team Running Back           Jon Adams               TBY     

All-Pro 1st Team Fullback               Riddick Woodson         DET     

All-Pro 1st Team Tight End              Sam Washington          RIC     

All-Pro 1st Team Wide Receiver          Cornelius Terry         PIT     

All-Pro 1st Team Wide Receiver          Oliver Delcorio         OAK     

All-Pro 1st Team Center                 Sam Blades              ARI     

All-Pro 1st Team Guard                  Winfred Clark           TBY     

All-Pro 1st Team Guard                  Burt Booker             SFO     

All-Pro 1st Team Tackle                 Brock Platt             TBY     

All-Pro 1st Team Tackle                 Jim Stapleton           SFO     

All-Pro 1st Team Punter                 Jessie Hicks            NYJ     

All-Pro 1st Team Kicker                 Mike Vanderjagt         BUF     

All-Pro 1st Team Defensive End          Courtney Brown          NED     

All-Pro 1st Team Defensive End          Isaac Osborne           ATL     

All-Pro 1st Team Defensive Tackle       Bernard Maxwell         OAK     

All-Pro 1st Team Defensive Tackle       Edward Bray             DSM     

All-Pro 1st Team Linebacker             Nick Pravato            CLE     

All-Pro 1st Team Linebacker             Ricky Hutson            DET     

All-Pro 1st Team Linebacker             Albert Harvey           DSM     

All-Pro 1st Team Linebacker             Kurt Santos             ARI     

All-Pro 1st Team Cornerback             Myron Avant             CHI     

All-Pro 1st Team Cornerback             Jerome McCarthy         DAL     

All-Pro 1st Team Safety                 Neil Starks             MIA     

All-Pro 1st Team Safety                 Adrian Strong           TBY     

All-Pro 2nd Team Quarterback            Buddy Mattingly         PIT     

All-Pro 2nd Team Running Back           Bob Macias              SFO     

All-Pro 2nd Team Fullback               Arnie Harper            DEN     

All-Pro 2nd Team Tight End              Leroy Luker             BUF     

**All-Pro 2nd Team Wide Receiver        Ralph Randle            GTV     

All-Pro 2nd Team Wide Receiver          Kelvin Gonzalez         KCY     

All-Pro 2nd Team Center                 Tracy Long              STL     

All-Pro 2nd Team Guard                  Cosey Coleman           TBY     

All-Pro 2nd Team Guard                  Jerome Hodges           TEN     

All-Pro 2nd Team Tackle                 Jamal Brewer            MIA     

All-Pro 2nd Team Tackle                 Earl Talley             CAR     

All-Pro 2nd Team Punter                 Kevin Rouen             CAR     

All-Pro 2nd Team Kicker                 Wayne Joyner            IND     

All-Pro 2nd Team Defensive End          Cory Tubbs              CAR     

All-Pro 2nd Team Defensive End          Jared Russell           IND     

All-Pro 2nd Team Defensive Tackle       Leonard McAlister       SEA     

All-Pro 2nd Team Defensive Tackle       Roosevelt Bollinger     SDO     

All-Pro 2nd Team Linebacker             Mo Reeves               CIN     

All-Pro 2nd Team Linebacker             Sammy Kiesling          CIN     

All-Pro 2nd Team Linebacker             Winston Larose          NED     

All-Pro 2nd Team Linebacker             Doug Rose               WIC     

All-Pro 2nd Team Cornerback             T.J. Dove               CLE     

All-Pro 2nd Team Cornerback             Brian Shinkle           ARI     

All-Pro 2nd Team Safety                 Chester Woodson         DEN     

All-Pro 2nd Team Safety                 Vincent McElroy         SEA

Kodos · 06-19-2003, 06:48 PM

Originally posted by Alf:

Yep, Kodos, how about that finances, now ?

Kodos · 06-19-2003, 06:50 PM

Originally posted by Craptacular:

Originally posted by Kodos:

Quote:

Award Player Team
All-Pro 1st Team Kicker Mike Vanderjagt BUF
All-Pro 1st Team Defensive End Courtney Brown NED
All-Pro 2nd Team Guard Cosey Coleman TBY

Good to see these "old geezers" are still going strong. Go Gatesville and Green Bay!

Kodos · 06-19-2003, 06:52 PM

Hoping to get to the finances tonight. Ran out of time last night. I'm still employed for next season, if that helps.

Kodos · 06-19-2003, 06:52 PM

2014 Season Final Team Ratings:

Season Ending Power Ratings:

Ours slipped a bit from last year, as did the Cowboys. But we still won the Super Bowl and kicked Dallas' pasty white behinds.



Gatesville: 75

Dallas:     36

Team Rankings for 2014 Season:

Don't be fooled by our third-ranked rush defense. Opposing teams obviously felt no need to run when the passing game was working so well.



Rushing offense   12th  1887 yds

Passing offense   1st   4517 yds

Rushing defense   3rd   1422 yds

Passing defense   32nd  3851 yds

In general, our defense was unimpressive, and our offense wasn't nearly as explosive as it was back in 2013. I will look to address any problems with the offense in the offseason. The defense won't matter if the offense is where I want it to be.



Sacks             4th      47

Interceptions     18th     16

Turnover margin   28th     -6 

Points scored     1st     452*

Points allowed    14th    300

* down from 538 in 2013

Kodos · 06-19-2003, 06:53 PM

2014 Franchise Info:

Average Yearly Attendance Through 2014:

We finally eclipsed the 75%-full mark for attendance at home games, as our average attendance jumped by 1,500 a game, while 4,300 fewer people showed up at the average Cowboys' game this season when compared with 2013. Hopefully, our second consecutive Super Bowl victory will give us a much bigger boost in attendance in 2015.



          Gatesville           Dallas

       Attend.  %Attend.  Attend.  %Attend. 

2007   35,400     59.7    55,400     84.3*

2008   36,200     61.1    55,500     84.4

2009   38,200     64.5    59,300     83.7**

2010   35,400     59.7    61,800     87.2

2011   39,600     66.8    58,700     82.9

2012   42,300     71.4    50,300     71.0

2013   43,200     72.9    55,900     78.9

2014   44,700     75.5    51,600     72.8

* Our first year in Gatesville
** Dallas' first year with their renovated stadium.

Fan Support Through 2014:

We're looking pretty good for getting a new stadium approved when 2022 rolls around, and our fan loyalty jumped by over 10 percent. Unfortunately, the Cowboys' playoff run boosted their fan loyalty too.



            Gatesville                   Dallas

     Fan loyalty  New stadium   Fan loyalty  New stadium 

2007       0            0            69          0 

2008       0            0            63          0     

2009       0            8            56          0

2010       0            16           45          0

2011       0            26           36          0

2012       6            46           25          0

2013       20           70           18          0

2014       31           87           28          12

Franchise Values Through 2014:

We made really good progress in the franchise value area, as we climbed into the top half of the league with a value of just over $726 million. The Cowboys moved up one notch, but are still ranked 30th overall.



       Gatesville              Dallas

2007  $515,700,000  (28th)  $614,790,000  (9th)

2008  $537,350,000  (29th)  $576,170,000  (22nd)

2009  $546,000,000  (29th)  $539,500,000  (31st)

2010  $590,860,000  (29th)  $654,660,000  (17th)

2011  $616,350,000  (20th)  $595,290,000  (26th)

2012  $647,970,000  (24th)  $557,030,000  (32nd)

2013  $652,850,000  (27th)  $547,870,000  (31st)

2014  $726,040,000  (14th)  $587,820,000  (30th)

Yearly Profits/Losses Through 2014:

Our now-critical financial losses fell by $66.63 million when compared to last season, as we only lost $64,880,000 this year.



        Gatesville      Dallas

2007  -$158,340,000   +$1,270,000

2008  -$156,020,000  -$14,750,000

2009  -$175,240,000  +$64,470,000

2010  -$216,300,000  +$52,820,000

2011  -$174,590,000   -$5,030,000

2012  -$157,570,000   -$8,200,000

2013  -$131,510,000   -$5,090,000

2014   -$64,880,000   +$1,940,000

Cumulative Table Of Losses Through 2014:

Hmm. Maybe I should stop rounding up when I do this chart...



Season  Team Losses

=====================

2000     $620,000,000

2001       18,000,000

2002       14,000,000

2003      134,600,000

2004      169,300,000

2005      122,100,000

2006    6,731,700,000*

2007      158,300,000

2008      156,000,000

2009      175,200,000                    

2010      216,300,000

2011      174,600,000

2012      157,600,000

2013      131,500,000

2014       64,900,000

===================== 

Total  $9,044,100,000

* Bill Gates bought the right to rename Waco to "Gatesville" in 2006 for $6.6 billion dollars.

Kodos Feels The Squeeze...

As my pal Billy so pleasantly outlined to me before the beginning of this season, I have been given 5 years to start turning a profit with this team. However, if our cumulative losses exceed $9.2 billion before those five years are up, I will be fired immediately; The only caveat being that he will not fire me after any season the ends with a Super Bowl victory for Gatesville. My margin for error is now only $155.9 million.



$9,200,000,000

-9,044,100,000

==============

  $155,900,000

2013 vs. 2014 Financial Performances: A Closer Look

While our revenues did rise 7% in 2014, the vast majority the improvement in our bottom line came from cutting our coaching/scouting expenses. Still, we will need to continue improving rapidly to become profitable in the next 4 seasons... It's not gonna be easy. One dilemma facing me this offseason is whether or not to leave ticket prices as they are so that we don't discourage new fans from attending with a price hike.

What's a GM with his butt on the line to do?



                           2013          2014     %chg

======================================================

Television contract    $56,840,000   $57,520,000   +1%

Ticket revenue         $45,830,000   $50,380,000   +9%

Suite revenue                   $0            $0    --

Concessions             $4,240,000    $4,760,000  +12%

Parking                 $2,240,000    $2,520,000  +12%

Advertising            $10,700,000   $13,290,000  +24%

======================================================

Revenues              $119,850,000  $128,470,000   +7%

======================================================

Player contracts       $95,840,000   $96,960,000   +1%

Player bonuses         $23,680,000   $46,600,000  +97%

Training               $12,070,000    $7,270,000  -39%

Coaching               $70,000,000   $22,400,000  -68% 

Scouting               $45,000,000   $14,850,000  -67%

Stadium maintenance     $4,770,000    $5,210,000   +9%

Stadium payment                 $0            $0    --

======================================================

Costs                 $251,360,000  $193,350,000  -23%

======================================================

Profits/Losses       -$131,510,000  -$64,880,000  +50%

Kodos · 06-19-2003, 06:53 PM

Well, for better or for worse, that pretty much wraps things up for Part V of the Challenge. I go into the 2015 offseason facing a very uncertain future. Frankly, I'm not sure we can become profitable until we get a new stadium, which can't come until 2022 - long after I would be gone. I just consulted with my lucky 8-ball, and here's what it told me:

"Outlook not so good..."

See ya in 2015, folks. Gulp.

Kodos · 06-19-2003, 06:54 PM

Originally posted by Chuck U Farley:

Thanks Kodos for another great year. See you 2015.

Kodos · 06-19-2003, 07:03 PM

Thanks, Chuck! Way to go with that Super Bowl TD!

Here's the link to Part VI: Flirting With Destiny.

06-19-2003, 06:38 PM	#107
Kodos Resident Alien Join Date: Jun 2001	2014 Playoffs: NFC Championship Game Dallas (11-7) at Gatesville (14-4) ================================== Attendance: 48,200 fans were treated to another Gatesville home game, which had been totally unexpected after our victory over St. Louis in the Wild Card Round two weeks earlier. The Game: After a week of off-the-field shenanigans, the actual game was finally at hand, much to the relief of the players and myself. The Cowboys won the toss and chose to receive. Showing little confidence in Tracy Mazurek, the Cowboys started by handing the ball off on first and second down, gaining 8 yards in the process. On third-and-2, Mazurek hit wide receiver Deon Knox for 6 yards and the first down. A defensive holding call quickly tacked on another 15 yards. Next, Lester Reynolds got the call again, and picked up 9 yards running off of the right guard. Looking to slow their momentum, Joey Rhoades came up with a big sack on second down to set up third-and-7. Mazurek responded by hitting the flanker Gino Burroughs for 9 yards and another first down. Following two incompletions, Mazurek was only able to gain 6 yards on third down, bringing up fourth-and-4 from our 40. From the press box, Jerry Jones told the Cowboy offense to go for it, but Mazurek's pass to Dale Corbett was broken up by linebacker Allen Whitfield, and we had our first possession of the ball! Berg immediately picked up a first down with two 6-yard scrambles, and Levon Wallace added 3 yards on the ground on our third straight running play. Having established the run, Berg went to the air and found Ralph Randle for 9-yards and a first down. Another Bergeron scramble and a 14-yard completion to Randle moved us to the Dallas 17. A pass that was batted down at the line, a run that was stuffed at the line of scrimmage, and an 8-yard sack of Bergeron gave us fourth-and-18 from the 25. Worse, Chuck Farley had to leave the game with an injury sustained on the failed run play. Still, Broderick Hidalgo's 42-yard field goal put us on top, 3-0. Following a Cowboy three-and-out, we took over late in the quarter from our own 35. A 22-yard gain by Earl Thornton and a 9-yard Randle pickup quickly moved us into Cowboy territory. However, a clipping penalty soon set the offense back, and we ended up settling for another Hidalgo field goal, this time from 51 yards out. 6-0, Pirates. Thanks to an unnecessary roughness call on the offense, the Cowboys were forced into another three-and-out, despite completions of 8 yards to WR Peter Duvall and 5 yards to Dale Corbett. We took over from our 37, and I was as shocked as anybody when I watched third-string RB Everett Schwarz race around the left end and turn it upfield for a 63-yard touchdown! Trying to move the margin to 14, Berg was unable to find Thornton on the 2-point conversion attempt, and the score stayed at 12-0. The Cowboys came up 3 yards short of a first down, and had to kick it away again after another three-and-out. Mazurek, despite Jerry Jones' earlier assertions, had not been able to get it done so far. Following an incompletion on first down, Everett Schwarz ran for gains of 15 and 17 yards on our next two plays to move the ball to the Cowboy 40. Next, a Berg draw and a completion to Earl Thornton kept the chains moving. Two incompletions brought up third-and-10, but Berg converted with a 16-yard strike to Ty Robbins. One play later, Berg hit Herb Matthews out of the backfield for a 4-yard touchdown. Incredibly, Hidalgo's conversion attempt sailed right, and the score remained 18-0. After a touchback on the kickoff, the Cowboys, appearing to have given up on passing the ball, started trying to move it on the ground. It worked on first and second down, as they gained 5 and 3 yards, but defensive end Peter Hickman stopped Lester Reynolds for a 3-yard loss on third down, and on came the punting unit. Sean Kaplan's 13-yard return set us up at our 49 with just over 2 minutes left, but backup guard Rob Stanton allowed a sack, and Berg lost the ball. Defensive tackle Britt Andersen recovered it on our 44 to give the Cowboys' offense great field position. Mazurek went to the air immediately, completing passes of 16 and 15 yards to move the ball to our 13. Following an incompletion, Mazurek found Corbett alone in the back of the end zone, and our 18-point lead had shrunk to 11. With 1:20 left to go in the half, Berg hit Randle on consecutive plays for 10 and 35 yard gains to move the ball to the Cowboy 35 to set up a 49-yard Hidalgo field goal attempt that missed wide right with 5 seconds to go. With time for just one play left before the half, Mazurek flung a long pass to Corbett for a 43-yard gain that meant nothing. Berg and the offense took the field in the second half looking to make a statement. On first down, Schwarz went around the left end for 23 yards, which Berg followed up with a 19-yard strike to Ralph Randle. James Pond sprung Schwarz for another 23-yard gain on the next play, and Berg hit Earl Thornton for 13 yards to finish a 4-play, 78-yard touchdown drive and put us up 25-7. Following a 10-yard Reynolds run on first down, the defense stiffened, and a 12-yard sack by Joey Rhoades signaled it was time for the Cowboys to punt once again. Our next drive, while not as impressive as our previous drive, did finish with a 26-yard chip-shot field goal that extended our lead to 28-7 with 5 minutes left in the third quarter. Cowboy safety Gus Bleeck muffed the catch on the ensuing kick, but WR Oliver Carnahan was able to recover it to keep the ball for the Cowboys. It didn't matter much, as the Cowboys' offense was totally ineffective (as they had been for most of the day), and another punt was shortly forthcoming. Each of the teams' next drives went three-and-out, but a Schwarz fumble that was forced out by former Pirate Timothy Meadows gave the Cowboys the ball on our 35 late in the quarter after Dallas cornerback Damon Tanner recovered it. Trailing 28-7 at the beginning of the fourth quarter, Mazurek hit Corbett for a 26-yard gain, but the Cowboys ended up settling for a 20-yard field goal after their offense stalled at our 3. Still, we led 28-10 with less than a quarter to go. We fed the ball to Schwarz for a 5-yard gain on first down, which he followed up with an 18-yard gain off the left side of the line. Two incompletions and a short gain on third down forced us to punt, but Cowboy cornerback Joel Flannery's fumble after a nice 35-yard return was recovered by Levon Wallace to give us the ball back with a fresh set of downs on our own 49. A quick 21-yarder to Ty Robbins moved us into scoring territory, and two plays later Berg hit Earl Thornton across the middle for a 29-yard touchdown. It was now 35-10, Gatesville, and the fans were beginning to celebrate. Bill and I, with our differences temporarily forgotten, were celebrating too. The Cowboys managed one first down on a couple of runs, but were forced to punt it away again after defensive end Peter Hickman nailed Lester Reynolds for a 2-yard loss on third-and-1. Gene Abney's punt pinned us at our 2, so we kept to the ground the next few plays. Alas, we were not able to pick up a first down. However, the Cowboys only moved backward with their next possession, and the ball was soon ours once again with just 4:56 to go. Looking to eat up what remained of the clock, we started feeding Schwarz the ball. He followed a 33-yard gain on first down with a 3-yard loss. A false start before second down backed us up 5 more yards, and Schwarz managed just 2 yards on his next carry. Facing third-and-16, we handed the ball to Schwarz once again, and he picked up the first down with a pretty 22-yard run behind the blocking of Terrance Read. Schwarz was sent to the sidelines for a breather, so Tommy Douglas came in and promptly tore off another 14-yard gain around the right end of the line. Clearly, the Cowboys' defense had been worn down. The drive continued with Schwarz and Douglas alternating carries, until Douglas ran for a 2-yard touchdown just before the 2 minute warning to make it 42-10, Pirates. That night, ESPN and the networks played and replayed footage of a red-faced Jerry Jones winging his playbook against the wall, and with good reason: It was probably the best throw by a Cowboy all day... The Cowboys offense got a couple more first downs before time ran out on them, but it really didn't mean anything. A 42-10 thrashing had sent them reeling into the offseason like Darth Vader at the end of Star Wars. Sure, they might be back some day, but on this day, we had just plain crushed them. When all was said and done, we had held the Cowboys to just 66 rushing yards and 173 passing yards on the day, while gaining 297 rushing yards and 247 passing yards ourselves. If you were to ask me, I'd say that's an ass-kicking, yes. Key Performers: Maybe Billy Boy's little speech fired third-string RB Everett Schwarz up, because "the Schwarz" was definitely with him as he ran all over the Cowboys defense for a playoff record 234 yards on 20 carries today. He also got 1 touchdown and coughed the ball up once, but I think we'll be willing to forgive him for that. Obviously, Schwarz was the Game MVP and the Offensive Player of the Week. Wow! Berg completed 20 of 30 passes for 266 yards, 3 TDs, and no interceptions. His one fumble did set up the Cowboys' only touchdown of the day though. Earl Thornton had a super day, as he caught 7 passes for 106 yards and 2 TDs. Ralph Randle also broke the century mark with 106 receiving yards on 8 catches. Joey Rhoades recorded 2 tackles and made 2 big sacks. Linebacker Butch Johnston had himself a good game with 10 tackles and 1 assist. ============================================ AFC Championship Game: The Jets defeated the Steelers decisively to set up a rematch between last year's Super Bowl contestants. Who knows - maybe the Jets will be able to get their payback against us next Sunday, but until morning comes tomorrow, we Gatesvillains are gonna revel in this landmark victory. What a great day for Gatesville fans around the country! New York (12-5) 24 Pittsburgh (14-3) 7

06-19-2003, 06:43 PM	#117
Kodos Resident Alien Join Date: Jun 2001	Super Bowl Win-Loss Records Here is how every team that has made it to the Big Game has fared up until now. Green Bay has the most appearances (4), but has lost as many Bowls as they have won (2). Three teams (Green Bay, Gatesville, and Washington) have each won 2 Super Bowls, while the Jets are the only team to have lost twice without winning at least once. # Won Lost W/L% Green Bay 4 2 2 .500 *Gatesville 3 2 1 .667 Pittsburgh 3 1 2 .333 Washington 2 2 0 1.000 Arizona 2 1 1 .500 Cincinnati 2 1 1 .500 Indianapolis 2 1 1 .500 New York 2 0 2 .000 Buffalo 1 1 0 1.000 New England 1 1 0 1.000 New Orleans 1 1 0 1.000 San Francisco 1 1 0 1.000 St. Louis 1 1 0 1.000 Baltimore 1 0 1 .000 Chicago 1 0 1 .000 Miami 1 0 1 .000 Oakland 1 0 1 .000 Wichita 1 0 1 .000

06-19-2003, 06:52 PM	#129
Kodos Resident Alien Join Date: Jun 2001	2014 Season Final Team Ratings: Season Ending Power Ratings: Ours slipped a bit from last year, as did the Cowboys. But we still won the Super Bowl and kicked Dallas' pasty white behinds. Gatesville: 75 Dallas: 36 Team Rankings for 2014 Season: Don't be fooled by our third-ranked rush defense. Opposing teams obviously felt no need to run when the passing game was working so well. Rushing offense 12th 1887 yds Passing offense 1st 4517 yds Rushing defense 3rd 1422 yds Passing defense 32nd 3851 yds In general, our defense was unimpressive, and our offense wasn't nearly as explosive as it was back in 2013. I will look to address any problems with the offense in the offseason. The defense won't matter if the offense is where I want it to be. Sacks 4th 47 Interceptions 18th 16 Turnover margin 28th -6 Points scored 1st 452* Points allowed 14th 300 * down from 538 in 2013

06-19-2003, 06:35 PM	#101
Kodos Resident Alien Join Date: Jun 2001	Awww, there's nothing wrong with a little harmless stun-rod fun!

06-19-2003, 06:36 PM	#102
Kodos Resident Alien Join Date: Jun 2001	From: Randall Parra To: Bill Gates & Kodos Subject: Dallas Cowboys Injury Report: Roosevelt Murray, QB - Out (torn thumb ligament) Dale Corbett, WR - Questionable Ethan Thornhill, T - Questionable Eric Blades, LB - Questionable Michael Robertson, G - Questionable Rico Weaver, FB - Doubtful Everett Weiner, WR - Out Leo McCullar, FB - Questionable Offensive Overview: The Cowboys will be without the services of regular starting QB Roosevelt Murray, and will go with Tracy Mazurek instead at QB. Starting Quarterback: Tracy Mazurek 86 for 141, 911 yards, 6 TDs, 5 interceptions this season. Excellent at throwing short passes. Starting Running Back: Lester Reynolds 294 carries for 1211 yards, 8 touchdowns this season. Excellent overall runner. Starting Flanker: Gino Burroughs 53 receptions for 640 yards, 2 touchdowns this season. Excellent hands. Starting Split End: Dale Corbett 60 receptions for 729 yards, 3 touchdowns this season. Very good third down receiver. Defensive Overview: Starting Left Defensive End: Herb Page 30 tackles, 9 assists, 3.5 sacks this season. Good pass-rusher. Starting Right Defensive End: Marlon Linquist 36 tackles, 13 assists, 5.0 sacks this season. Very good defender against the run. Starting Left Defensive Tackle: Sean Ross 34 tackles, 22 assists, 8.0 sacks this season. Very good pass-rusher. Starting Right Defensive Tackle: Cory Mallory* 29 tackles, 11 assists, 3.0 sacks this season. Fair pass-rusher. Starting Weak-Side Linebacker: Eric Blades 21 tackles, 6 assists, 2.5 sacks this season. Excellent defender against the run. Starting Middle Linebacker: Randal Caldwell 91 tackles, 42 assists, 2.0 sacks this season. Very good zone pass defender. Starting Strong-Side Linebacker: Timothy Meadows* 57 tackles, 19 assists, 2.0 sacks this season. Good defender against the run. Starting Weak-Side Cornerback: Joel Flannery 44 tackles, 12 assists, 3 interceptions this season. Very good zone pass defender. Starting Strong-Side Cornerback: Jerome McCarthy 44 tackles, 6 assists, 6 interceptions this season. Excellent pass intercepter. Starting Free Safety: Greg Drayson 90 tackles, 29 assists, 4 interceptions this season. Excellent man-to-man pass defender. Starting Strong Safety: Shawn Treadway 86 tackles, 27 assists, 3 interceptions this season. Very good pass intercepter. * former Silicon Pirates / current treasonous bastards

06-19-2003, 06:36 PM	#103
Kodos Resident Alien Join Date: Jun 2001	Injury Report: The good news is that starting RB Herb Matthews and backup RB Tommy Douglas should be good to go on Sunday. WR Ty Robbins will also play despite his hip injury. Rusty Pleasant, G - Sprained Back, full strength in 2015 Jonathan Farmer, C - Torn Thumb Ligament, full strength in 0-2 Weeks Edgar Justus, CB - Dislocated Knee, full strength in 2015 Ty Robbins, WR - Hip Pointer, full strength in 0-2 Weeks Herb Matthews, RB - Pulled Groin, full strength in 0-2 Weeks Paul Everett, DT - Broken Foot, full strength in 2015 Kyle McAfee, T - Dislocated Knee, full strength in 0-2 Weeks

06-19-2003, 06:37 PM	#104
Kodos Resident Alien Join Date: Jun 2001	2014 NFC Championship Pre-Game Conference: We join the conference already in progress... Jerry Jones: ...as I was saying, Bibi, we beat the Pirates at Gatesville back in Week 2, and I see no reason to think that we won't do the same thing this Sunday. Bibi Gunn: But Jerry, isn't that a pretty strong statement considering that your starting QB, Roosevelt Murray, won't even be playing due to his torn thumb ligament? Jerry Jones: Yes, yes, I know Bibi. Now I realize that women don't understand sports - I get that - but Tracy Mazurek is more than capable of winning this game for us. No offense to Roosevelt, but Tracy is a special player, akin to a Ryan Leaf or maybe a Quincy Carter, and I believe he will be able to step right in and get the job done against the depleted Pirates secondary. Bill Gates: Depleted? Sure, starting right cornerman Edward Justice won't be playing, but Ned Ferguson will do just fine with a little extra support from middle safety Dave Sanderson. And forgive me for saying this, but Tracy Mazurek doesn't exactly strike fear our hearts! The Cowboys will be lucky to score at all! The guy's name is "Tracy," for God's sake! That's a girl's name! How could he possibly be a good quarterbacker? And let's face it: You and your Cowboys couldn't beat us tomorrow even if you still had Roger Starbucks at quarterback. Jerry Jones: Good god, man! You think that you can actually hold us scoreless? Folks - this is ridiculous. I know that Bill Gates isn't a real football guy like I am, but surely even he can see that we are going to beat them. Heck, we beat a Tampa Bay team that is far superior to Gatesville just last weekend. Bill Gates: Not a "football guy?!?" Look people, yes it's true that I may not have been on a college football team, or a high school team, or a junior var city team... or even a Pee-Wee Herman team, but may I remind you that my company, Microsoft, has been responsible for many excellent football simulations on the computer and on the X-Box 1, 2, and 3, as well as the soon-to-arrive X-Box 4. So for him to stand there and say that I am not a "football guy" is just ludicrous. Next he'll be claiming that I stole all of my good computer ideas from Apple! Jerry Jones: Give it a rest, why dont'cha, Bill! Why don't you just admit right now that you wouldn't know football if I crammed one up your money-grubbin' ass! Bill Gates: Not true! Not true! Bill knows football! Bibi Gunn: Guys, guys! It's not often that I have to be the voice of reason, but please, please calm down! Bill Gates: Sorry, Bibi, but he started it! Jerry Jones: I did NOT!!! That jackass started it 15 years ago when we wouldn't take no for an answer! Bill Gates: Jackass?!? I'm not the one who turned down a billion dollars for a team that wasn't worth half that much, folks! Jerry Jones: No means NO!!!! ============================================ We must now interrupt this news conference so that we may bring you our featured film, "Heidi," in its entirety...

06-19-2003, 06:37 PM	#105
Kodos Resident Alien Join Date: Jun 2001	Bill Gates: Master Of Motivation Right before the team was ready to head out onto the field, Billy Boy decided to make a surprise appearance to rally the troops. "Hey guys, I just wanted to come down here and offer you a few words of encouragement. I think that you've come together nicely since that late-season slide. But all that you have accomplished so far this season, last season, or ever, for that matter, will mean nothing if you lose to the Cowboys today. Do you understand what I'm saying here? It will all mean nothing." "Uhh, Bill, I think the guys understand how big this game is already. You don't have to talk to them like they were little boys." "Sure, Kodos. You're absolutely right. I apologize, boys, and everything will be fine just as long as you beat the Cowboys today. Losing is not an option." "I'm just curious, Bill. Is this how you speak to your employees over at Microsoft too?" "As a matter of fact, no, it isn't, Kodos. Of course, I'm not on the verge of firing any of them. Anyhow, go get 'em, boys. No holds barred." After Bill had made his exit, Berg and many of the guys came up to me. "Man! What an asshole! Is he always like that?" "Pretty much, yeah," I told them. "This whole thing with Jerry Jones has him really strung out most of the time..." "Why do you put up with it? I'm sure lots of other teams would love to have you, Kodos." "I know, I know. You're probably right, Berg. But at the end of the day, it comes down to two things: First, I've spent too long building this team to let it go just when it has come into its own, and, second, I can't stand the Cowboys any more than Bill can, and, like it or not, this team gives me the best opportunity to strike at them." Berg's last words before heading out of the locker room were these: "Boss, when we win this game tonight, I just want you to know one thing. We will have won it for you, not for him." "Thanks, son. It means a lot to me. Let's just forget all about this crap for now. We've got ourselves some Cowboys to skin!!!"

06-19-2003, 06:37 PM	#106
Nyarlahotep College Benchwarmer Join Date: Mar 2003	Kodos, I have wasted the day away reading up to this point. This is an excellent dynasty and I can't wait to find out if the challange was a success.

06-19-2003, 06:39 PM	#108
Kodos Resident Alien Join Date: Jun 2001	Originally posted by SplitPersonality1: Go Pirates! Congrats Colonel Kodos on your huge victory against Jerry and the Boys. As a longtime season ticket holder, do you think Bill can get me one of those X-Box 4's. I can't wait to play Madden 2015.

06-19-2003, 06:39 PM	#109
Kodos Resident Alien Join Date: Jun 2001	Originally posted by sterlingice: 'grats on the victory, Kodos. SI

06-19-2003, 06:40 PM	#110
Kodos Resident Alien Join Date: Jun 2001	Thanks, though I think Bill would prefer that you play NFL Fever 2015.

06-19-2003, 06:40 PM	#111
Kodos Resident Alien Join Date: Jun 2001	Originally posted by Fonzie: Congratulations Kodos! A glorious win like this over the hated Cowboys almost makes the Super Bowl anticlimactic.

06-19-2003, 06:41 PM	#112
Kodos Resident Alien Join Date: Jun 2001	Originally posted by jfbbis: Congrats, Kodos! Never tried to find a job writing about real games : you're far better than the guys at Cbs Sportsline !

06-19-2003, 06:41 PM	#113
Kodos Resident Alien Join Date: Jun 2001	Originally posted by Godzilla Blitz: Yahoo! Bury 'em deep in that Texas soil! Deep, I say, deep down, so that they never rise again. Fargo Cowboys has a wonderful ring to it. Fairbanks Cowboys would also work. Or maybe even Jakarta Cowboys. Congrats! Great write-up too!

06-19-2003, 06:42 PM	#114
Kodos Resident Alien Join Date: Jun 2001	Thanks, guys! Hey GB: Maybe if we bury them deep enough, perhaps some day their rotting corpses could turn into oil and become useful once again, much like their dinosaur predecessors from so long ago.

06-19-2003, 06:42 PM	#115
Kodos Resident Alien Join Date: Jun 2001	The 2014 Super Bowl New York Jets (13-5) at Gatesville (15-4) ============================================= Attendance: 48,200. The Game: The Jets came into Gatesville looking to exact some revenge for the 34-7 thrashing that we handed them a year ago in the 2013 Super Bowl, not to mention the 34-21 defeat from Week 1 of this season. To quote The Rolling Stones: "You can't always get what you want." On the Jets' third play from scrimmage, backup safety Ernest Conner picked off Chad Pennington's first pass of the day and returned it 28-yards for a touchdown. From there, it only got worse for the Jets. In a game that was never close, we took a 21-7 lead in the first quarter and never looked back. Berg had the hot hand and ate their secondary alive with 4 touchdown passes on the day. Sean Kaplan had yet another punt return for a touchdown. Everett Schwarz averaged around 8 yards a pop as he ran for 113 yards. Ralph Randle caught 2 touchdowns. Chuck Farley caught one, as did Earl Thornton. It was all too much for the Jets, who struggled on offense all day, and at the end of the day, we had thoroughly humiliated them by the score of 52-13. I'd like to think that somewhere over in Dallas, Jerry Jones was watching the game and screaming himself hoarse at what his TV was showing him. Cuz that would just be too beautiful... Key Performers: There were no picks in the end zone for Berg today, as he captured his second straight Super Bowl MVP award by completing 19 of 26 passes for 264 yards, and 4 TDs. Everett Schwarz had a solid performance with 14 carries for 113 yards. Chuck Farley caught 5 passes for 59 yards and a TD that put us up 28-7 early in the second quarter. Ralph Randle completed a terrific season by catching 4 balls for 67 yards and 2 TDs. Earl Thornton finished with 4 catches for 53 yards and 1 score. Sean Kaplan had 3 returns for 70 yards and 1 TD. Allen Whitfield made 8 tackles and had 2 assists. Peter Hickman made 5 tackles and 1.5 sacks. Ernest Conner had 1 tackle, 1 assist, and 1 touchdown off of 1 interception.

06-19-2003, 06:44 PM	#118
Kodos Resident Alien Join Date: Jun 2001	Originally posted by stkelly52: Wahoo!! Another Superbowl victory...but how much did we lose?

06-19-2003, 06:44 PM	#119
Kodos Resident Alien Join Date: Jun 2001	Originally posted by Godzilla Blitz: Congratulations on a season well done!

06-19-2003, 06:45 PM	#120
Kodos Resident Alien Join Date: Jun 2001	stkelly: I'll try to fill in that info tomorrow. For now, I can tell you that we cut our losses quite a bit, but will need to do much better soon if I am to be saved as GM...

06-19-2003, 06:45 PM	#121
Kodos Resident Alien Join Date: Jun 2001	Originally posted by sterlingice: Economics tomorrow. Tonight, looting and vandalism in the streets of Gatesville (...just like any other day ending in "y") SI

06-19-2003, 06:45 PM	#122
Kodos Resident Alien Join Date: Jun 2001	Originally posted by Alf: Congrats Kodos, everything went smoothly during the playoffs. With Berg at the helm, there was no doubt about that !

06-19-2003, 06:46 PM	#123
Kodos Resident Alien Join Date: Jun 2001	Originally posted by revrew: Adding a SuperBowl touchdown to his storied career, putting the nail in the coffin of the Jets just as they hoped to resurge from falling behind in the first quarter, the legend that is Chuck Farley grows...

06-19-2003, 06:48 PM	#126
Kodos Resident Alien Join Date: Jun 2001	Originally posted by Alf: Yep, Kodos, how about that finances, now ?

06-19-2003, 06:52 PM	#128
Kodos Resident Alien Join Date: Jun 2001	Hoping to get to the finances tonight. Ran out of time last night. I'm still employed for next season, if that helps.

06-19-2003, 06:53 PM	#131
Kodos Resident Alien Join Date: Jun 2001	Well, for better or for worse, that pretty much wraps things up for Part V of the Challenge. I go into the 2015 offseason facing a very uncertain future. Frankly, I'm not sure we can become profitable until we get a new stadium, which can't come until 2022 - long after I would be gone. I just consulted with my lucky 8-ball, and here's what it told me: "Outlook not so good..." See ya in 2015, folks. Gulp.

06-19-2003, 06:54 PM	#132
Kodos Resident Alien Join Date: Jun 2001	Originally posted by Chuck U Farley: Thanks Kodos for another great year. See you 2015.

06-19-2003, 07:03 PM	#133
Kodos Resident Alien Join Date: Jun 2001	Thanks, Chuck! Way to go with that Super Bowl TD! Here's the link to Part VI: Flirting With Destiny.

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