Serious Personal Crisis

[Qwikshot]

I know turning to the message board may not be the wisest of choices, but I'm dealing with an issue which I cannot seem to solve on my own, without some insight. There is a vast group here and I hope that maybe I can get some support.

As you may or may not know, I helped raised a beautiful smart girl who is now six. She is not my daughter but the birth father was never involved (not on birth certificate) in any way other than conception. My ex girlfriend and I split up sometime in 2003/4 after she was cheating on me but I still stayed in contact and helped raise my daughter on alternate weekends. During the height of problems, I was raising her alone with assistance from family.

My ex has never really been a responsible person, but she's not outright neglectful. She has her own issues to work with and none would ever result in child rearing issues.

My ex got married about 2 years ago and moved to Allentown, bout 45 minutes away from me. I still maintained the alternate weekend schedule.

Last week or two, my ex informed me she was cheating on her husband and was going to leave him for another man. She was going to move out and live in a town that I was moving to (I am buying a new home) and she was going to let me raise my daughter until the smoke cleared and she could divorce (her new man was also married). I kept my nose out of things only preaching to be safe because stuff like that is liable to make anyone snap.

Fast forward to this past Saturday. My ex-gf mother (who wants her to move to Texas and live with her) told my ex-gf's husband about the trysts. Needless to say, he wasn't amused and called the new guy. The new guy is now working things out with his wife. The husband decided to take a new job in Scranton (about 1.5 hours away). My ex is trying to reconcile now and is going to move and live in Scranton (quitting her 63k job in the process).

Now I've no legal rights to this child. I've had issues with her upbringing (she has 7 cavities, 4 caps, and 2 root canals to be done on her because her mother/step-father don't seem to understand preventive care). He has a 10 year old who is something of a wild child. They really don't seem to put a lot of effort into parenting. My daughter has been great through all of this, and I do think her mother does love her, but man, the issues.

I'd be afraid to call social services since I have no rights and I feel that nothing dangerous is being done (the dentist issues aside, that would be the doctor's call not mine as I have no proof, only what my ex has told me).

But the new job for the husband is the kicker...he'll be managing a swingers club (they're that too). The rent free house they'll be living in is adjacent to the club. I've got issues with this.

Now I feel disappointed in a lot of things, because I felt I've done right, and put up with a lot. I've made it clear my intentions to help raise my daughter no matter what, and was willing to raise her in my new home (good school district and all) and my ex was amenable...but now, I think she's just resigned herself to this situation and I'm worried about my daughter.

Do I just say goodbye to all of this? Does anyone think I have any other recourse?

I know it's Jerry Springerish, I apologize, my taste in women has never been good, but I'm a good man, and I'm proud to be a dad even if it's not recognized in anyone's eyes but my own.

Do I keep pressing the issue in hopes? My ex is resistant to being called a "poor mom" which in her eyes is giving my daughter up to me I guess in guardianship, I've tried to explain that it's not a permanent thing.

I don't know, it's just all coming down on me right now.

[JediKooter]

I don't know you, but, just from reading that, I have to commend you for stepping up and taking care of your daughter like that.

That's one difficult position to be in and unfortunately, I've read and heard time and time again, it never seems to be what's best for the child, but, what satisfies the law in these situations.

I'd seriously considering talking to a lawyer who specializes in family law and see if there is any pre-emptive measures you can take to better your position in continuing you raising your daughter and not someone else.

I really wish you the best of luck and hope that everything will work out.

[SunDevil]

I could answer this in so many ways, and I do not envy your situation. In the end, I commend you for your efforts and actions in being a father regardless of blood. Tell your ex-girlfriend that she can go do want she wants but your daughter's best interest is to stay with you. Your exGF leaving your daughter with you is not about whether she is a bad mother or not (btw she is bad) but what is best for your daughter. In the end let your exGF do whatever she wants, but try to convince her that her actions should not involve her child.

These sound like some really shady people and not a group that you should even want to deal with, but because of your daughter you do. If you abandon or leave your daughter in this situation you will never forgive yourself and she will always look at being abandoned.

Good luck to you and you and your dilemma will be in my prayers.

[Toddzilla]

I think you need to fight for the little girl. Whether that means talking "sole custody" (not legally speaking, but effectively) or getting her into a responsible household, you need to, because it doesn't seem that she has anyone to stand up for her rights.

It sounds like you have been the closest thing to a father this child has ever had - what you've done so far is admirable and I think you should continue to be her advocate and do what you think is in her best interests.

As for anything legal, make sure you DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. Every phone call, every email, every observation, Every. Frickin. Thing.

[beargrowlz]

I think it's great you want to be there for your daughter, but as I'm sure you've figured out through all this, your ability to do so is directly proportional to her mother's willingness and ability to allow you to be.

One area I can speak to however, as a Child Protective Services Case Manager, is that here in Georgia, if you call Social Services they will make your ex get the child's teeth fixed. That is legally a form of child neglect here. You don't need any "proof", just a good faith belief that she is being neglected and social services will investigate.

Realize though that this varies state by state so you might want to call your local social services agency and just talk to an intake worker and discuss what's going on and then decide whether you truly want to make a report.

Just because you call social services doesn't mean you have to make a report. But in this case, if the lack of dental care is troubling you, you might want to consider it and just discuss the matter with the intake worker.

Hope things work out for you, and most importantly, your little girl.



Cheers.

[lordscarlet]

From a legal standpoint I have no idea what to tell you. I just wanted to say that I hope everything works out. Regardless of whether you are able to have any sort of custody, this does not sound like a good situation for her.

[Lathum]

Is she willing to grant you custody so you could adopt her?

[Lathum]

dola-

I echo everyone's sentiment about you manning up.

( those quakertown people can be crazy )

[MikeVic]

I'll just voice my agreement with others. You really care for the kid, and want the best for her. You're a good man for putting up with all this. I have no idea what to tell you as advice though. But checking with a lawyer might be the best bet.

I'm pretty sure that if you can prove the kid is not being raised in a proper environment, and can prove that you have raised the kid better and can continue to raise the kid better... you'd have a case. But this is all going by what I've seen on TV. So I'm not sure how much help it can be.

[Antmeister]

Ummmmm.....wow!

First of all, I have to commend you for even having the ability/love/heart to take care of a child that is not even your own. That is a ballsy thing to do if you have been doing this off and on alone.

With that said, have you seriously gotten into a discussion with her about seeking some legal action about getting guardianship. I don't know if she considered giving up her child, but from what I am reading, she may be going down that route.

If she isn't, I can't imagine there is much you can do. Although you think there is some neglect, it is not enough for Social Services to do anything. Ugh...I hate to hear stories like this, but at the very least you may want to have some serious talks with her to voice your concern and see if you could come to a comprimise if you are willing to take care of the child.

[JediKooter]

Todzilla hit the nail on the head, document everything! Even if there is something that happens or is said that may seem trivial.

[heybrad]

Just curious... and I don't mean this to come across in an A-holish way, but why didn't you adopt her when things were good? It seems that from a legal standpoint that may be where you screwed the pooch, so to speak.

Either way, it sounds like you're the one stable part of her life, so I hope it works out.

[SunDevil]

Honestly not to sound stupid, but they were only dating. I think the option to adopt is only really available when you are married. The latest kid that Angelina Jolie adopted, Brad Pitt was not on the adoption papers because the two of them are not married.

[Bonegavel]

Breaks the heart to hear this. Good chance that poor little girl is going to be eff'd in the head from this and god forbid that your ex's circle of "friends" would ever lay a hand on her (which is where my big fears would be focused since they sound shady).

I would never suggest somebody do something like this (but since you are asking and seem to be on the verge) but you appear to be this little girl's only hope. If you could find it in your power to adopt her or become her legal guardian you would be man-of-the-year material.

See if you can convince the mother to give her up and that you would take care of her.

Sad thing is if this was a dog, you could have the animal removed from her custody in like 3 seconds.

Good luck Qwik.

[Subby]

Wow. Oodles of respect from one dad to another.

See if there is any earthly way you can adopt her. Make arguments for health care, all that stuff. That seems like the logical first step.

Her impending situation seems to be absolutely horrid in every conceivable way...

[Eaglesfan27]

You of course should talk to a lawyer specializing in family law, but if that state is anything like Louisiana and NJ, you have very little chance of getting custody unless the biological mother legally signs it over to you. The rights of a non-biological parent are very poor in most states.

There is already plenty of good advice in here, but I'd like to add my commendation for being there for your daughter. Also, if your concern is not motivated by any ill-will (and you can't get the biological mother to give you custody) towards the mother or other adults in this child's life, I would recommend you report the issues with the lack of dentistry care. That would meet the criteria of neglect in most states. However, you should realize that most states have woefully understaffed Child Protective Services that are completely overwhelmed, and you may be frustrated by their response. At least, you will know that you have done what you can to try to help your daughter.

[Leonidas]

Legally, I have no clue what recourse you may have. I'm a techie.

Morally, I can throw some of my pseudo=Buddhist crap out there and you can take it for what you will. First, no one will think any less of you for washing you hands of this whole deal. It's what most folks would do. However, if you really love this girl (and I take it you do), then I presume you'll never sleep a comfortable night again if you walk away. If that's the case, then your personal moral code will compel you to do everything you humanly can do to do what in your judgement will be best for this girl. That's it. I'm done now, take it for what you will. My heart has a pretty fair idea which way you'll go.

[terpkristin]

Qwik,
I have no advice to offer, other than maybe talk to someone in family law and see if there's any recourse. The love that you have for this girl who is not your biological daughter is the love that every parent should give to their children, and it's downright depressing that not every parent has this love. I guess in the end I can only offer up good vibes/good thoughts, but know that I'll be thinking of you and your daughter for a good outcome.

/tk

[WSUCougar]

I think your best shot is to get your ex understanding what's best for your daughter is win-win for everyone. Don't play up the negatives in her life -she's got some huge maturity and/or psychological things going on - but rather play up the things you can give your daughter. Offer your ex plenty of "visitation" or whatever you want to call it. Talk about the monetary responsibility/burden you are willing to take on, if you think it'll help. Don't say, "Your situation will be terrible" (even though it sounds like it), but say, "Look at how great a set-up I can offer."

Good luck, you have my respect and admiration for the dedication you are showing. There may yet be hope for humanity with people like you around. And I mean that sincerely.

[DaddyTorgo]

wow QS. Oodles of respect.

[M GO BLUE!!!]

1. See a lawyer and find out your (possible) rights.

2. Protect yourself. With a mother this unstable, you don't know what she is capable of. It's tough to hear, but with the situations that her mother puts her in just by living the life she lives, the likelihood of her being abused is significantly higher than normal. Guess who the finger gets pointed at (especially if you try and take the kid out of that bad situation.)

3. How is the grandmother? Do you get along with her? When it comes down to it, maybe the best thing for the kid is to be as far away as possible from the timebomb that is her mother.

[stevew]

Is there any way you can claim you had a common law marriage, and that the child born during your relationship was yours? I don't know if PA automatically recognizes the paternity that way, however. Just some random thoughts anyways, looks like you were with the mom during the pregnancy and for afew years afterwards.

[molson]

You're a very good guy, no question about that.

I really think letting go of the whole thing might be the best option. As others have said, gaining any kind of custody is pretty much impossible without the mother's consent. An ongoing battle for the next 12 years to gain as much influence as possible might not do anyone any good.

Keep an eye on your daughter. Know where she is. Eventually, she'll seek you out.

Just my 2 cents.

[Qwikshot]

I appreciate all the help and support.

I've talked with a lawyer and the possibility is nil. In fact, I think like the social services thing, it would only cause a diminishing window of seeing her.

My ex has decided to allow me to see her alternate weekends, amazingly she is willing to drive my daughter to and from my home (that's about 1.5 hours down and back, without any expectation of money or me driving. I thanked her for that, and we'll see how it progresses.)

I'm still not sure my ex really wants to do this move, but her alternatives are moving to Texas and being under her mother's thumb (mom isn't so wise either, I mean how do you rat out to her son in law what your daughter has been doing without wondering what the alternatives could be - like him snapping and becoming violent - just for the sake of having your daughter and granddaughter move down to Texas cause you are alone and bored).

Or she would have to live on her own and be responsible, which I knew was impossible (prior to all of this she actually did ask to be my roommate in my new house! - I politely declined on the grounds that my current girlfriend would have problems with this, and that my daughter could potentially be confused by the idea of us living together again, and be further traumatized when she would move out again).

This is a game about battles, I'm losing ground, but I hope to continue long enough for my daughter to realize she has an alternative to living with her mom (I figure if I hold out long enough she'll force the issue on her mom).

This of course leads to the fact that at some point I'll have to tell her that I'm not her birth father -- but right now is not the right time -- I can't think of a good time, but at 6, she's getting close to the point that we'll have to explain this -- and I don't want to do it on my own without my ex's consent (I know I know, but it's important for us both to be on the same page with this).

In the end, I had to vent frustration, because I was so close to having her in my house and being raised by me only to have this pull back (thanks to grandmom in Texas and her own agenda - I don't think my daughter would have been safe there either).

Still this is a battle of patience, I keep playing the reserved and stable guy. And my daughter has been pretty adamant in living with me, I gently explain that it's up to her step-dad and mom but that she'll always have a place at my house.

Again, the support has been great. My life is finally back on track, a new job, and a new girlfriend (who is very supportive of my situation) and in the summer a new home, but I'll always feel incomplete. I can only hope to continue to be a source of stability for my daughter and hopefully combat any deterioration in her upbringing until she is strong enough to call her own shots in life.

I'm proud of her and I love her much and I'm not giving up.

I know there was a question as to why I didn't adopt her before, my ex was still married (she was in an abusive relationship) and we had to wait on the divorce proceedings (she was living with me because she was living in Hershey about 1.5 hours away prior). Once that was resolved there were always other issues that prevented this discussion and movement...in the end, it may have helped because then I wasn't hit up for child support (which I knew would not go to my daughter, and the tons of legal issues that would follow). In the end, while this is a frustrating series of events, I'm insulated from being further under the control of my ex (who is troubled person who I believe was a victim of many bad things - it's not excusable for her actions, but I understand moreso her reluctance to "give up" her child). I never complain or point out the bad things or decisions my ex is making and I downplay my benefits (my ex is very competitve, and I believe ultimately when she knew I was getting a house, this was her way to counter that).

The one thing I learned after all of this, was to not get mired in it, you have to move forward with what you can control. And try to be the stabilizing force for what you can't...my ex doesn't ask me for money, and I'm not obligated to do what I do, I do it because I feel it is the right thing to do...I've been there for her birth, and I'll be there as long as I can for all the events present and future.

It does cause stress (I had a terrible migraine last night slept from 8pm till 6 this morning), but I have outlets, I have friends and I have a life (I'm looking to school again soon - night school). This hasn't shutdown my life, but I was ready to be a full time parent. I guess I'll just have to keep waiting on that aspect without letting it control me.

[CU Tiger]

#1 Major respect for the way you are handling your daughter. Rest assured that in time she will come to respect and appreciate everything you have done for her. I come from essentially the same situation you just described (minus the swingers) and I can telll ya, me and my "Dad" have a great relationship and talk almost daily. I met my sperm donor a few times and have no relationship there. My mom I love and wish the best for, her string of husbands (many of whom I never met) I really dont give a shit about. BTW they divorced when I was 8 and I kept in touch with my Dad much like you are now.

Keep it up. Keep your head up. Dont try to make her (mom) look bad, she will do that on her own.

Damn this sucks. There are soo many wild crazy ideas, but in real life I am afraid your hands may be tied.

[BYU 14]

I want to echo the comments of many others in regards to your involvement in this little Girls life. Much respect to you!

You are definitely the best thing in her life, and though it may be of little consolation now, there will be a time when she recognizes all you have done and it will undoubtedly bring dividends to you both.

It's a tough call to try and push the issue of getting more time, as you don't want to piss the Ex off and have her sever ties.....Having her daughter the little time you do still allows you to be the one positive influence in her life, and it will make a difference for her.