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With four kids ranging from 8 years to 8 months I feel for you. Here are some of my random thoughts although my wife is awesome with our kids and would be much more helpful.
1. We do spank our children, but selectively. that way they know you mean business. Also we do not do it out of pure anger, but when we want our kids attention and to know we mean business. Also, when I do spank it is hard, otherwise will do nothing but anger them more.
2. I really believe in boys will be boys and Dr. James Dobson bringing up boys is a fantastic book we use as our parenting bible. That being said we have had the most problems with our three year old daughter. She is a fighter and throws absloutley terrible tantrums. Our boys have been very laid back, loving, and fairly easy to raise. She also loves to play mom and dad against each other. One thing we have found is that both mom and dad have to be on the same page. Not one punishing and the other protecting or soothing. Hopefully you and your wife take equal share in disciplining your childs behavior.
3. School can be a great help. Many times children with problems behaving at home do very well at school in a different enviroment. Some parents have found it helpful to find out what works for the teachers at school and try to implement variations of the same thing at home. Don't warn your teachers about your son though. That way they will treat him like any other child instead of looking for things which can change how the treat hime, expecting him to be a problem.
4. How often does he interact with his peers. Many times this can help children learn "appropriate" behavior. They see how others act and behave, especially around their (the other children's) parents and can learn what appropriate behavior is in many situations. Sometimes they just don't know any better because they have only been in their own family situation and do not see how other children react in the same situation. Also some times children are better at quelling others misbehavior. "Through a tantrum, I won't play with you. Behave and I will." They can learn that if they misbehave others will not want to be around them and may adjust thier behavior accordingly. They often can let another child know, "That is not nice" or "why are you acting that way" and cause the child to think about it differently rather than a parent telling them they are naughty once again.
5. Lastly, he could very well be seeking attention in the only way he know how. I know this has happened with our daughter. With four children sometimes they can get lost in the shuffle and she would act out just so mom and da would pay attention to her. Is he possibly doing this because he know that when he acts this way he has your full attention and found that this works to get it? Two thing we have done. One is really giving positive attention to positive behavior. At times even overdoing it. Go poopy in the potty, hell let's all go out to dinner. Shared with your brother, lets go to the store and get a treat. Not always, but she at least knows the potential is there. Behave terribly we will correct it, but we do not let it linger. And always the next good thing she does we get very excited over to let her know we are not big meanies and to put the problem behavior behind.
Secondly, we make sure we have one on one time with each of our children at least once a day. It takes a lot of work and planning, but we think it is important. Just dad and John or Jake or Kit time. It has really helped us bond to each of our children more. We get to know each one more personally and it helps them to feel very special for that time. Not just all of us together but me and Kit and nothing else matters. This way they get the individual attention that they crave. They get our full attention. It could be coloring, playing a game, or just running out to get some nails or dropping off some mail.
One thing I thought when I read your post was "been there done that" at various times through our children's lives. Try not to get frustrated, this is a part of raising a child. Just keep fighting the good fight like you have been and trying to solve the problem. I would caution just "giving up" and hoping he grows out of it. The longer things are left to linger, the harder they are to correct in the long run. Deal with it now while he is still finding out who he is and developing the personality he will have for his lifetime.
Each child is different and these are just some thoughts as to what we did. I do think you are doing many of the right things, just hang in there.
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