Front Office Football Central - View Single Post

Subby · 07-13-2012, 10:12 AM

DAY THREE

So Starbucks called me last night, sobbing, wondering what they did to make me quit them. It was awkward and creepy and touching all at the same time. I told them it wasn't them, it was me. Then we had break up sex on a bed of iced lemon pound cake, floating on a sea of caramel macchiatto, listening to Various Artists - Let It Snow (now available at the front register for $17.95).

Or maybe that was just some weird withdrawal vision I had at around 9pm because for the first time in a while, I didn't piss away $6 on substandard baked goods and criminally overpriced coffee. Seriously, what a fucking dope I am. How much money have I pissed away in my life on that company? From the time they started putting stores in DC in 1994 to today, I would hazard an ABSOLUTELY HORRIFYING guess of twenty thousand dollars. Fuck me. If I had invested all that money in the company instead of being some overfed, lobotomized lab sloth, I would have enough money to pay someone to come and punch me in the balls for being such an idiot. What?

Anyway, what's done is done. Moving on.

Time for item number 3 in bad habit land. Convenience stores.

Who doesn't love 7-11? Or the Exxon express store? Or WaWa? Or the convenience store right in the lobby of my building that provides ice cold drinks, candy bars, pop tarts, caramel wafers, chex mix, ice cream and everything else that I can eat like a MNDLESS NOM NOM BOT. BIDI BIDI NOM NOM GLORP.

For people like me, people with no planning or organizational skill (or at the very least, desire or motivation or will power to plan and be organized), convenience stores are a fucking HONEYPOT. Mid-day blahs? Run down to the convenience store and grab a Fifth Avenue bar! Gassing up? Don't forget the Hagen-Dazs ice cream bar! Great job swimming kids, let's reward you with slurpees AND I WILL REWARD MYSELF WITH SOME OREO CAKESTERS. MMM YUM CAKESTER CRUSHER LIKE!!!1

Look, if I was running in to grab a banana and a water it would be one thing. Sure, I would basically be placing my $3 on the counter and setting it on fire (since I could get the same from the grocery store for seventy-five cents), but at least I would be making a sensible choice. Since I am not capable of acting like a rational adult, I just need to stay the fuck out of those places. My kids will be pissed, because to a kid, a convenience store is a borderline religious experience (OHMYGOD LOOK AT ALL THAT CANDY), but the $100/month and tens of thousands of calories we'll save will be worth it.

Straight Talk Time. Another issue which is massively embarrassing, is that I don't always just buy one little thing. Oh no. A couple days ago, before I left home from work, I got two candy bars and some pop tarts for the ride home. Not the first time. I've done all kinds of disgusting shit like that too, like getting two ice cream bars, or a pack of cakesters and a caramel waffle AND...well you get the idea. GLUTTONBOT 5000. Obviously, overeating like that is a pretty serious issue and is probably symptomatic of something else, but hopefully knocking this shit off the list one at a time will help.

1. No soda.

2. No Starbucks.

3. No Convenience Stores.

WE ANSWER QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS FROM OUR READERS

"Interesting thread. I am also lazy and overeat, but getting too much sleep is definitely not my problem. I get way too little sleep." - Kodos

My issue with sleep is that I refuse to go to bed, because I am a spoiled fucking child. So not only do I sleep in, but I do it so I can get a robust six hours of sleep per night. No wonder I am going to die young.

"Got to love Jon and his IDGAF attitude : - Shorty

I don't think I have ever written this anywhere, but I genuinely like Jon. I think one of the biggest reasons is that he reminds me of my step dad, a man that passed away a few years ago from lung cancer and someone whom I loved very much. He loved his family, and treated his step kids as his own. Above all else, he was all about his family (nuclear and extended). Other families? Not so much. Much like Jon, my stepfather (who was a cop) was very black and white on issues and was extremely conservative. I remember how pissed I was the time he told me back in '92 that if Clinton was on fire he wouldn't cross the street to piss on him. That was him in a nutshell. He just did not give a fuck what anyone thought about him - he was who he was and if you didn't like it, you could kiss his ass. I admire that trait in people, probably because I don't have it. I try to be like that and then spend days on end wracked with guilt for being that way. So while it probably isn't a mutual admiration society, I admire Jon for who he is and his unapologetic sense of himself.

"I bet tomorrow is masturbation." - Critch

Someone once told me that their Urologist told THEM that one of the ways to stave off prostate trouble is to have lots of sex. So for health reasons I will probably continue to masturbate. IT'S SCIENCE.

"I'm 35-40 pounds from where I want to be, and I yo-yo every couple of years. I'm either totally with the program, or diving into a swimming pool of pizza, fried food, and ice cream." - Ksyrup

I think there is an army of us on this board that could have written that biography. I have rambled enough already today, but I wish I could understand why. Maybe the answer is too complicated for us to comprehend. Or maybe it's too simple to see. Maybe it is as simple as peeling back the layers of your life, one by one.

Maybe I should stop writing today because I am starting to sound like a mewling, philosophical bitch.

07-13-2012, 10:12 AM	#16
Subby lolzcat Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: sans pants	DAY THREE So Starbucks called me last night, sobbing, wondering what they did to make me quit them. It was awkward and creepy and touching all at the same time. I told them it wasn't them, it was me. Then we had break up sex on a bed of iced lemon pound cake, floating on a sea of caramel macchiatto, listening to Various Artists - Let It Snow (now available at the front register for $17.95). Or maybe that was just some weird withdrawal vision I had at around 9pm because for the first time in a while, I didn't piss away $6 on substandard baked goods and criminally overpriced coffee. Seriously, what a fucking dope I am. How much money have I pissed away in my life on that company? From the time they started putting stores in DC in 1994 to today, I would hazard an ABSOLUTELY HORRIFYING guess of twenty thousand dollars. Fuck me. If I had invested all that money in the company instead of being some overfed, lobotomized lab sloth, I would have enough money to pay someone to come and punch me in the balls for being such an idiot. What? Anyway, what's done is done. Moving on. Time for item number 3 in bad habit land. Convenience stores. Who doesn't love 7-11? Or the Exxon express store? Or WaWa? Or the convenience store right in the lobby of my building that provides ice cold drinks, candy bars, pop tarts, caramel wafers, chex mix, ice cream and everything else that I can eat like a MNDLESS NOM NOM BOT. BIDI BIDI NOM NOM GLORP. For people like me, people with no planning or organizational skill (or at the very least, desire or motivation or will power to plan and be organized), convenience stores are a fucking HONEYPOT. Mid-day blahs? Run down to the convenience store and grab a Fifth Avenue bar! Gassing up? Don't forget the Hagen-Dazs ice cream bar! Great job swimming kids, let's reward you with slurpees AND I WILL REWARD MYSELF WITH SOME OREO CAKESTERS. MMM YUM CAKESTER CRUSHER LIKE!!!1 Look, if I was running in to grab a banana and a water it would be one thing. Sure, I would basically be placing my $3 on the counter and setting it on fire (since I could get the same from the grocery store for seventy-five cents), but at least I would be making a sensible choice. Since I am not capable of acting like a rational adult, I just need to stay the fuck out of those places. My kids will be pissed, because to a kid, a convenience store is a borderline religious experience (OHMYGOD LOOK AT ALL THAT CANDY), but the $100/month and tens of thousands of calories we'll save will be worth it. Straight Talk Time. Another issue which is massively embarrassing, is that I don't always just buy one little thing. Oh no. A couple days ago, before I left home from work, I got two candy bars and some pop tarts for the ride home. Not the first time. I've done all kinds of disgusting shit like that too, like getting two ice cream bars, or a pack of cakesters and a caramel waffle AND...well you get the idea. GLUTTONBOT 5000. Obviously, overeating like that is a pretty serious issue and is probably symptomatic of something else, but hopefully knocking this shit off the list one at a time will help. 1. No soda. 2. No Starbucks. 3. No Convenience Stores. WE ANSWER QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS FROM OUR READERS "Interesting thread. I am also lazy and overeat, but getting too much sleep is definitely not my problem. I get way too little sleep." - Kodos My issue with sleep is that I refuse to go to bed, because I am a spoiled fucking child. So not only do I sleep in, but I do it so I can get a robust six hours of sleep per night. No wonder I am going to die young. "Got to love Jon and his IDGAF attitude : - Shorty I don't think I have ever written this anywhere, but I genuinely like Jon. I think one of the biggest reasons is that he reminds me of my step dad, a man that passed away a few years ago from lung cancer and someone whom I loved very much. He loved his family, and treated his step kids as his own. Above all else, he was all about his family (nuclear and extended). Other families? Not so much. Much like Jon, my stepfather (who was a cop) was very black and white on issues and was extremely conservative. I remember how pissed I was the time he told me back in '92 that if Clinton was on fire he wouldn't cross the street to piss on him. That was him in a nutshell. He just did not give a fuck what anyone thought about him - he was who he was and if you didn't like it, you could kiss his ass. I admire that trait in people, probably because I don't have it. I try to be like that and then spend days on end wracked with guilt for being that way. So while it probably isn't a mutual admiration society, I admire Jon for who he is and his unapologetic sense of himself. "I bet tomorrow is masturbation." - Critch Someone once told me that their Urologist told THEM that one of the ways to stave off prostate trouble is to have lots of sex. So for health reasons I will probably continue to masturbate. IT'S SCIENCE. "I'm 35-40 pounds from where I want to be, and I yo-yo every couple of years. I'm either totally with the program, or diving into a swimming pool of pizza, fried food, and ice cream." - Ksyrup I think there is an army of us on this board that could have written that biography. I have rambled enough already today, but I wish I could understand why. Maybe the answer is too complicated for us to comprehend. Or maybe it's too simple to see. Maybe it is as simple as peeling back the layers of your life, one by one. Maybe I should stop writing today because I am starting to sound like a mewling, philosophical bitch. __________________ Superman was flying around and saw Wonder Woman getting a tan in the nude on her balcony. Superman said I going to hit that real fast. So he flys down toward Wonder Woman to hit it and their is a loud scream. The Invincible Man scream what just hit me in the ass!!!!! I do shit, I take pictures, I write about it: chrisshue.com Last edited by Subby : 07-13-2012 at 10:18 AM.