[revrew]

FINAL WEEK RESULTS!

"The final week begins in Portland, where the 6-4 Portland Sea Biscuits hoped to finish high in the standings with a win over the improved Little Rock Slick Willies (4-6).

Unfortunately for the Willies, who has improved the most was made painfully clear in what turned into a Portland romp.

Rajah Saleem struggled against Portland's 'Military Middle' and its quick rookie OLB Zoinks McAllister, finishing the year with a rare, sub-100-yard game and a mere 2 TDs.

There was nothing subpar about Portland's offense, however. Protected well behind his inpenetrable offensive line, PT QB Paddy O' Leary threw the ball out to his amazin' pair o' wideouts and then stood back and watched. Manfred von Richthofen streaked off with a 42 and 67 yard TD run, bringing his total on the day to over 200 yards and 2 TDs. WR Khan Ogadai didn't catch as many, but his 73-yard crazylegs run that set up an Antonio De La Tonio TD plunge was one of the week's highlights.

In the end, Portland just dominated, 42-14."

*****
"With 1-9 Chicago visiting, the Albuquerque Isotopes (7-3) looked to finish off a solid year.

The Chicago ground game, however, showed solid production numbers yet again. HB Randy Steele and FB Josh Hackenstein ran over the Isotope D. If it weren't for AQ DT Nelson 'The Hammer' Muntz plugging things up and chasing down runners from behind, Chicago might have scored 6 touchdowns on the ground. Instead, the Eagles were held to a mere 234 yards and 3 TDs.

The Eagle passing game, however, went into the toilet. QB Mike Marino had a difficult day, out of sync and off target. He was sacked twice by Nelson Muntz and picked off twice by AQ safety Troy McClure, one of which went back for a TD.

Meanwhile, Albuquerque moved the ball well against Chicago's tired D. HB Guy Incognito ran one in behind OT Ralph 'Gig'em' Wiggum, and Sizzlack tossed in three short TD passes.

The final score: AQ, 35-21."

*****
"The rest of our games were decided by one TD or in overtime. Let's begin at The Gym, where the Muscle Men (7-3) hosted the Margaritas (8-2).

FOX carried the game, hoping the similarly impressive records would produce a good game. They guessed right.

No one has stopped Milwaukee's run game this year. Not until meeting a buzzsaw MLB named Ray Lewis. Lewis played like an animal today, always there, always in on the tackle, never letting MW HB Ricky Williams bust free, never letting MW FB Bulldozer gain too much. Milwaukee was forced to open up a passing game to move the ball. But this, of course, only left the QB open for SA DE All Pro and DT duo Sack U and Aragorn to rush. The three SA D-lineman recorded a total of 5 sacks, and Milwuakee was barely able to scrape 7 points on a brilliant, hardnosed run by Bulldozer.

San Antonio, however, faced a linebacker that equalled or excelled Ray Lewis today--a quiet ZFL superhero named Superman. The OLB shed every block and flew into the the fray, hauling in a ZFL-record 21 tackles and forcing a fumble that was recovered by MLB Zach Thomas. The Muscle Men did a great job today of playing a scheme where Zach Thomas and DEs Rocky and Wolverine forced SA's M&M backs to stick to their lanes. No cutbacks, no cuts the outside. Though M&M found a lane open often, it was never open for long as Superman met them in the gap and introduced them to the turf. San Antonio needed their best drive of the day to pull in 7 points, and at the end of regulation, the score was tied 7-7. Bring on the kickers!

SA kicker Eater of Sandwiches has seen 3 overtimes this season already, this making the fourth. His record isn't so great, accounting for San Antonio's only 2 losses. Unfortunately, against Milwaukee's Bruce Handily, Eater would account for a third.

Each kicker was teamed up with a pair of bikini-clad babes for a 3 on 3 sand volleyball game. Who knew Handily had such a wicked serve? Eater of Sandwiches and Tropicana tan were no match for Bruce and the Swedish team. Milwaukee takes away the win, 10-7."

*****
"Birmingham (4-6) vs. El Paso (4-6) featured another battle of equally matched teams with similar records. For Birmingham, it also represented a contest of pride, as the outcome would determine whether the Olympians finished ahead of, or behind, the former expansion squad in the standings.

Birmingham's HB Artemis had a difficult time running today. Though his offensive line enabled him to get through, El Paso backers Brian Bosworth and Trev Alberts stopped him short. Bench runner Roman showed equally little success, but did manage to punch in a touchdown.

For El Paso, it wasn't the linebackers, but B'ham's d-line that gave the Busters fits. Only on a fake HB toss left, FB toss right behind a sweeping OT Billy Milner did FB Rashaan Salaam manage to crack the goalline.

The game would be decided in the air. For Birmingham, WR Apollo was completely shut down by EP safety Patrick Bates, who wrapped up the INT crown with an INT in the third. But rookie EP CB Bryant Westbrook had a dickens of a time slowing crafty veteran, WR Revrew. The vet put up solid numbers in a game some speculate will be his last.

For El Paso, the passing game was slowed down by a killer pass rush (Atlantis and Another Atlantis) and a ballswatting safety named Odysseus. The Busters only managed to score once by air, bringing their total up to 14.

For B'ham, however, WR Revrew's second TD of the night proved the decisive score, and Birmingham takes it, 21-14."

*****
"The battle for the bottom proved quite heated as Fargo (1-9) faced off against Cincinnati (0-10).

As expected, Cinci's running game was in full force against Fargo's poor D. HB Bubs and FB Pom Pom combined for 184 yards and 3 scores. The passing game, meanwhile, struggled, especially with FG DT The Defense pressuring CN QB James Earl Jones up the middle. Is there a reason Jones still has a job? He stunk for LA; he stinks for CN.

Fargo's offense, meanwhile, cranked it up against Cinci's equally poor defense. HB Glutton for Punishment behind powerful blocker, FB Ty Wick was too much for even CN captain, DT The Poopsmith.

But in the air, Fargo also struggled. Young, speedy CN DEs Strong Mad and The Ugly One breathed some serious heat down FG QB Killer's neck. CB The Blacksmith benefited from the pressure, picking off a pair of Killer passes.

The lone Fargo TD pass came in the second, when Killer hit veteran WR Shane. Yet, when Glutton knocked in his third TD in the fourth, it proved decisive. FG wins, ensuring Chicago will finish second-to-last, FG, 28-21."

*****
"And now....For the big game!

ESPN and fellow network ABC (a first for the ZFL!) simulcast this all-or-nothing championship bonanza!

9-1 Los Angeles Stars vs. 9-1 Knoxville Rednecks. The amazing D versus the awesome O.

I just thank God ABC decided not to use John Madden for the broadcast. Instead, former ZFL star Robby 'Action' Jackson and former Isotope halfback I.M. Stopgap joined Al Michaels in the booth.

Robby: "The Key for Knoxville will be guard Fort Sumter Jackson. If he can move the middle and allow Knoxville to pick up first downs and hang on to the ball long enough, the Rednecks will find a way to win."

Stopgap: "For L.A., the key has to be getting a solid offensive game. They won't shutout the Rednecks, so they need to gain confidence by getting on the board. Knoxville is a bit weak at defensive end and linebacker, so look for LA QB Bernie Mac to try to put the Stars on the board early."

Michaels: "We're just about ready to begin. Now, remember, in the ZFL there is no kicking game. The Rednecks have won the coin toss, so they will force the Stars to begin with the ball on their own 20-yard-line. There's no punting, so if the Stars fail to produce a first-down, Knoxville will take over. It's common to see teams give away the first possession to try to get good field position. We'll see if it's the right move as the ZFL championship game gets underway!"

For Knoxville, it proved a smart move as KX DT Josiah Jackson plowed into the middle and prevented LA from getting even 1 first down on their first possession. It gave Knoxville 1st and 10 on the LA 29. A few plays later, Knoxville looking efficient even against the Star Crunch, the Rednecks took the lead on a HB Leon Jackson 2-yard TD run that was set up by a pass to the amazing JJ.

L.A.'s second drive (they are allowed to begin on the 40 with their second possession) proved more successful as LA rookie HB Rodney Dangerfield answered by running off tackle Freddie Prinze, Jr. for a 6-yard TD plunge.

LA took the lead on their very next drive with a Bernie Mac to Joe Pesci TD toss.

After that, the defenses stepped up. KX QB Thumbless Jackson was sacked 3 times in the first half, as the KX tackles had no answer for season sack-leader, LA DE Toby McGwire.

L.A., likewise suffered as KX DT Josiah Jackson dominated in the middle, disrupting running and passing alike.

At the start of the second half, KX tied it up on their first possession as a WR screen allowed JJ to weave 24 yards for a TD.

Throughout the game, as the two teams slugged it out, exchanging the occasional scores, great defensive plays, and the lead, the knawing question was...when will a turnover turn the tide?

Knoxville's Leon Jackson ran well as OGs Fort Sumter and Lee Davis Jackson paved a hole in the middle and FB Samuel Jackson messed with LA MLB Brad Pitt. Thanks to Leon and the occasional big pass to JJ, Knoxville stuck in there.

But LA QB Bernie Mac was efficient. His completion percentage was running at 72 as he used receivers and passes in the flat to HB Rodney Dangerfield to keep Knoxville off balance. The result was points on the board.

With only a few minutes left, Knoxville trailing, 28-21, the Rednecks drove down to the LA 4-yard-line. On 4th and inches, just a breath away from the endzone, KX FB Samuel 'The South Will Rise Again' took the quick handoff and dove into the middle...

But LA MLB Brad Pitt leaped the pile, skying over Redneck offensive linemen, and crushed Samuel Jackson in his tracks. A loss on the play meant a turnover on downs, LA's ball.

LA handed off to Rodney. Little gain, Knoxville timeout. To Rodney, little gain, timeout. To Rodney...

But Knoxville DE Robert E. Jackson stripped the ball! It's loose! The refs stop the clock and try to pry loose the bodies. Who has it?

Knoxville DT Uncle Jesse Jackson comes up with the ball! There's hope yet! (Rodney, with that fumble you can kiss the OROY award good-bye...)

With only a few seconds and one timeout, Knoxville goes back to the bread and butter. Lead the way, fair Fort Sumter! Sumter slams into LA DT Ed Norton...Samuel and Brad Pitt collide again...and Leon Jackson runs 6 yards into the endzone! Touchdown! Touchdown!

But soft...what fate shouldst befall our gladiators?? Harken unto the scoreboard, which reads 28-28. Tis a tie!

BRING ON THE KICKERS!!!

L.A.'s Little Val Kilmer
Knoxville's Eli Manning

The contest: Slap-shot shootout. Though ice doesn't survive in the Knoxville heat, a little field hockey doesn't hurt. But none of those sissy, short curved sticks the ladies use. And forget the typical, slow-moving, field hockey ball.

A local country club rolled their mower out to the fifty yard line and mowed down the grass shorter than a drill-sargeant's flattop. A net was set up, and each player was given three pieces of equipment: a hockey stick, a baseball mit, and a racquetball. 5 shots, or sudden death until it's all over. Bring it on!

Little Val up first. He swings high, let's it fly, and zip! Up over the net, and about 30 rows deep into the endzone. Holy crap, did he rip that one, but too high.

They switch and Eli takes a shot. Pow....pop! It clanks off the left pole and careens into the stands.

Second for Val...and he sails wide!

Second for Eli...and oh, that's gotta hurt! Square into the chest of Val Kilmer in goal. 0-0.

Third for Val...he swings...and misses the ball completely. It's still just lying there. But since it didn't move, he gets another swing. (not like a guy from LA knows how to play hockey, y'know). Pop...ding! He goes stick side high and scores a goal. Or, as they say in Argentina, GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAALLLLLL!

Third for Eli...and boom! He follows suit! Stick side high is good! GOOOOOOOOOOOAAALL! 1-1.

Fourth for Val. The swing....and the miss. Whoa, not even close.

Fourth for Eli. The swing...and doink! Off the pole again, and this time into the crowd on the other side. Hey, nothing like giving the crowd a little something to do besides SCREAM THEIR BLOODY HEADS OFF! The place is thumpin, bumpin, jumpin as each shot now means life or death, champs or chumps for these two squads.

Val takes his next shot. We're as good as sudden death now. Val rips it...and it goes glove-side low, careens off Eli's leg, and it's good! 2-1!

Putting the pressure on. Eli's gotta come through in the clutch.

Eli swings, he rips it....and 20,000 flash bulbs pop all over the stadium! There's a blinding light! Eli stands dazed, the crowd is going bananas, but what happened??? Where's the ball??? In the net?

Eli looks confused. His eyesight is adjusting now, from red, to green, to clear. The stands grow hushed. There's some murmuring...the ball doesn't appear to be in the net...

Just then, Little Val Kilmer walks up to Eli Manning. He has a slight swagger, and a sly, but barely perceptible grin curls the corner of his lip. He holds out his glove and turns it palm side down. Then, Kilmer winks, open the glove, and the racquetball falls to the ground! Kilmer caught it! No goal, and Kilmer wins the overtime! The Los Angeles Stars are the new ZFL champions!!! The final score, LA, 31-28!

*******
Season 5 final standings
Los Angeles: 10-1
Knoxville: 9-2
San Antonio: 8-3
Milwaukee: 8-3
Albuquerque: 8-3
Portland: 7-4
Birmingham: 5-6
El Paso: 4-7
Little Rock: 4-7
Fargo: 2-9
Chicago: 1-10
Cincinnati: 0-11

Thus, this is the reverse order of the draft. Stay tuned for stat leaders, the all-ZFL selections, and voting for the ZFL ProBowl.

Congratulations, Marmel and the LA Stars!